Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

When I was a believer, I was always puzzled by the phrase "He descended into hell" in the Apostles' Creed. It just seemed strange to me. What was a nice guy like Jesus doing in a place like that?

But I guess Jesus did some time in hell; it says so right in the Bible.

He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

Luckily he took some really cool pictures.

Here's a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


And here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


Jesus, in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Another photo of Jesus hanging out with Adam and Eve.


The sermon from hell.


And here's Jesus Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

Forget Easter: Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead!

The Harrowing of Hell

Now that Jesus is dead (they killed him in the Philippines earlier today), we can celebrate what happened after he died.

Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

Most Christians (well, Protestants, anyway) don't know this, but Jesus went directly to hell after he died.

Really, he did. It says so in the Bible.

He [David] seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

The above quote is from the speech that Peter gave on the day of Pentecost -- you know, the day that believers spoke in languages they didn't understand and acted like they were drunk.

So it must be true. (If you can't trust a drunken Pentecostal preacher who was also the first pope, whom can you trust?)

There are a couple of other references to Jesus's day in hell by someone who claimed to be Peter, but wasn't. Here's what the forger of 1 Peter said about it.

Christ ... went and preached unto the spirits in prison. 1 Peter 3:19

For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead. 1 Peter 4:6

So Jesus preached the gospel to the dead people "in prison" -- that is, to the people in hell.

And then there's this from Ephesians (another forgery, this time attributed to Paul).

Christ ... descended first into the lower parts of the earth.  He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things. Ephesians 4:7-9

So Jesus descended "into the lower parts of the earth" -- which, as we all know, is where hell is. 

Of course, Catholics know all this. They are reminded every time they attend mass or say the rosary, because it's right there in The Apostles' Creed.

I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell....

So get out and celebrate Jesus's descent into hell. 

Here are some pictures that Jesus took during his visit to inspire you.

The first is a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


Here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


And here's Jesus in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Here's Jesus delivering the sermon from hell.


And here he is Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

So to hell with Easter. Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead.

A Damnable Doctrine

Hell is the core of Christianity; it is what Jesus came to save us from. We all deserve to go there, and there is only one way to escape: believe the right things. (Just what those things are depends on who you talk to.) And if for whatever (and however good a) reason you should die without that belief, you will be tormented forever in Hell by the God who loves you. It is as simple, cruel and absurd as that.

Here is what Charles Darwin said about it in his autobiography:

I can hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so, the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother, and almost all my best friends, will be everlastingly punished. And this is a damnable doctrine.

It was Hell that did me in as a Christian. I, like Darwin, couldn't believe that my family and friends and billions of other nonbelievers (and religiously incorrect believers) would be tormented forever in Hell for their honest disbelief. It amazes me that anyone could.

Hell is indeed a damnable doctrine. Darwin, as usual, had it exactly right.

Carlton Pearson: No Hell below us

Carlton Pearson is an Evangelical preacher from Tulsa, Oklahoma. He had a large church and a huge following until a few years ago when he publicly renounced his belief in Hell.

The story of his changing views on Hell is the topic of an excellent episode of This American Life. Here's what Bishop Pearson had to say about Hell.

The God we've been preaching is a monster. He's worse than Saddam; he's worse than Osama ben Laden; he's worse than Hitler. Because Hitler just burned 6 million Jews, but God is going to burn at least 6 billion people. And burn them forever. He has this customized torture chamber called Hell were he's going to torment and torture people, not for a few minutes, hours, days, or weeks, but forever.

Here are two of the verses that he uses to justify his belief (or lack of belief) in Hell. (I've added them to Does Hell exist? at the SAB.)

We trust in the living God, who is the Saviour of all men, specially of those that believe. 1 Timothy 4:10

He is the propitiation for our sins: and not for our's only, but also for the sins of the whole world. 1 John 2:2

Where the worms never die

Where are immortal worms mentioned in the Bible?

And they shall go forth, and look upon the carcases of the men that have transgressed against me: for their worm shall not die, neither shall their fire be quenched; and they shall be an abhorring unto all flesh. Isaiah 66:24

And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-44

And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:45-46

And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:47-48

It's not clear (to me at least) what Jesus and Isaiah meant by these verses. Do worms live forever in hell? Is human hell worm heaven? Do nonbelievers suffer and die so that worms may live forever?

Do moderate Muslims believe in hell?

Christians are divided on hell. Some believe in it, some don't. And those that do aren't sure what it's like or who goes there. That's not surprising since the Bible has no clear, consistent teaching about hell (or anything else).

But the Quran has no such problem. If you believe in the Quran, you believe in hell. You know what it's like and who is going there.

I counted 98 passages in the Quran that mention hell. Here's a summary.

Who is going to hell?

1. Those who deny the existence of hell

   This is hell which the guilty deny. They go circling round between it and fierce, boiling water. 55:43-44

2. All non-muslims

   They who disbelieve and deny Our revelations, such are rightful owners of hell. 5:10

   But those who disbelieve and deny Our revelations, they are owners of hell-fire. 5:86

   Those who disbelieve will be gathered unto hell. 8:36

   Lo! hell verily is all around the disbelievers. 9:49

   We have appointed hell a dungeon for the disbelievers. 17:8

   Lo! We have prepared hell as a welcome for the disbelievers. 18:102

   That is their reward: hell, because they disbelieved, and made a jest of Our revelations and Our messengers. 18:106

   Hell verily will encompass the disbelievers 29:54

   But as for those who disbelieve, for them is fire of hell; it taketh not complete effect upon them so that they can die, nor is its torment lightened for them. 35:36

   This is hell which ye were promised (if ye followed him). Burn therein this day for that ye disbelieved. 36:63-64

   Those who disbelieve are driven unto hell in troops. 39:71

   Those who disbelieve and deny Our revelations, they are owners of hell-fire. 57:19

3. Anyone who kills a Muslim

   Whoso slayeth a believer of set purpose, his reward is hell for ever. 4:93

4. Muslims that refuse to serve and fight for Allah

   When ye meet those who disbelieve in battle, turn not your backs to them. Whoso on that day turneth his back to them, unless manoeuvring for battle or intent to join a company, he truly hath incurred wrath from Allah, and his habitation will be hell, a hapless journey's end. 8:15-16

   Those who scorn My service, they will enter hell, disgraced. 40:60

5. Muslims that oppose or disobey Allah, Muhammad, or the Quran

   Whoso opposeth the messenger after the guidance (of Allah) hath been manifested unto him, and followeth other than the believer's way, We appoint for him that unto which he himself hath turned, and expose him unto hell - a hapless journey's end! 4:115

   Know they not that whoso opposeth Allah and His messenger, his verily is fire of hell, to abide therein? 9:63

   Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger, lo! his is fire of hell, wherein such dwell for ever. 72:23

What's it like in hell?

On the day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of hell, and their foreheads and their flanks and their backs will be branded therewith. 9:35

Hell is before him, and he is made to drink a festering water, Which he sippeth but can hardly swallow, and death cometh unto him from every side while yet he cannot die, and before him is a harsh doom. 14:16-17

Hell, where they will burn, an evil resting-place. Here is a boiling and an ice-cold draught, so let them taste it. 38:56-57

Lo! the guilty are immortal in hell's torment. It is not relaxed for them, and they despair therein. 43:74-75

Take him and drag him to the midst of hell, Then pour upon his head the torment of boiling water. 44:47-48

On the day when they are dragged into the Fire upon their faces (it is said unto them): Feel the touch of hell. 54:48

Then the welcome will be boiling water And roasting at hell-fire. 56:92-94

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there are some moderate Muslims (like Cat Stevens?) that don't believe in hell. If so, I'd love to hear about it.

It is easy for Allah

We shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. Quran 4:30

In a previous post, I mentioned the more than 200 times that the Quran threatens unbelievers (non-Muslims) with a painful (shameful, dreadful, etc.) doom. But that didn't count the Quran's references to "the Fire". So I thought I'd better look into that.

The Quran mentions "the Fire" 140 times. Here is just a sampling from the short list.

Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. 4:56

And the dwellers of the Fire cry out unto the dwellers of the Garden: Pour on us some water or some wherewith Allah hath provided you. They say: Lo! Allah hath forbidden both to disbelievers (in His guidance). 7:50

We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. 18:29

If those who disbelieved but knew the time when they will not be able to drive off the fire from their faces and from their backs, and they will not be helped! 21:39

But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads. 22:19

The fire burneth their faces, and they are glum therein. 23:104

Their retreat is the Fire. Whenever they desire to issue forth from thence, they are brought back thither. Unto them it is said: Taste the torment of the Fire which ye used to deny. 32:20

But as for those who disbelieve, for them is fire of hell; it taketh not complete effect upon them so that they can die, nor is its torment lightened for them. 35:36

Those who are immortal in the Fire and are given boiling water to drink so that it teareth their bowels. 47:15

And for the disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom

For those of you who've never read the Quran, let me summarize it for you: And for the disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom.

This idea is so important that Allah (or his prophet) repeats more than 200 times in the Quran. Here are just a few variants.

For disbelievers is a painful doom. 2:104

Those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21

Give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom to those who disbelieve. 9:3

Those who vex the messenger of Allah, for them there is a painful doom. 9:61

Theirs will be a boiling drink and painful doom because they disbelieved. 10:4

And that's just a sample of the 60 verses in the Quran that describe the "painful doom" that unbelevers will endure. There are also 25 "awful doom" verses, 10 "shameful dooms", 4 "dreadful dooms", 4 "dooms of fire", and another 40 or so differently named dooms. Plus 65 verses that mention just a plain old "doom" -- and a couple hundred or so that describe Hell, the Fire, etc.

But my favorite doom verse is this one (If you don't believe in hell, guess where you'll be going):

Those who believe not in the Hereafter, for them We have prepared a painful doom. 17:10

The Christian Hell

In yesterday's post I may have given the impression that the Muslim Hell is worse than the Christian. If so, I apologize. Hell is hell, whether Christian or Muslim.

But hell is, at least for the most part, a Christian invention. The early Christian literature described hell in detail, particularly the Apocalypse of Peter (AP).

The AP was probably written in the first half of the second century and was considered to be scripture by Clement of Alexandria. It consists mostly of visions of heaven and hell, with hell described every bit as vividly as it is in the Quran. (In fact, the Quran's hell may be derived from the traditions stemming from the AP.)

Here's what it's like in hell according to the AP.

• Blasphemers are hung by the tongue over a lake of fire.

• Women who adorned themselves for adultery were hung by their hair over a bubbling mire, with the men who sinned with them hung by their feet with their heads in the mire.

• Women who had abortions were immersed in a lake of gore and forced to watch their aborted children cry.

• Homosexuals, male and female, were thrown off a cliff and forced to climb back up, repeatedly forever.

So I really don't know which is worse, the Muslim or the Christian hell. But here is a famous painting by Hieronymus Bosch to help you decide.

Which hell is worse, the Bible's or the Quran's?

This would be an easy one, if only the Bible were as clearly written as the Quran. But it isn't. In fact, the Bible is so unclear about hell, that Christians disagree about whether or not there is one, and if there is, who goes there, and what it's like. Is it just a place without God (sounds good to me) or a place where you are eternally tortured by the God of Love?

The Quran doesn't have such problems. It spells out exactly what hell is and who goes there. Here a just a sampling of what it has to say.

Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. 4:56

They will wish to come forth from the Fire, but they will not come forth from it. Theirs will be a lasting doom. 5:37

For them is drink of boiling water and a painful doom, because they disbelieved. 6:70

And the dwellers of the Fire cry out unto the dwellers of the Garden: Pour on us some water or some wherewith Allah hath provided you. They say: Lo! Allah hath forbidden both to disbelievers (in His guidance) 7:50

If thou couldst see how the angels receive those who disbelieve, smiting faces and their backs and (saying): Taste the punishment of burning! 8:50

On the day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of hell, and their foreheads and their flanks and their backs will be branded 9:35

Hell is before him, and he is made to drink a festering water, Which he sippeth but can hardly swallow, and death cometh unto him from every side while yet he cannot die, and before him is a harsh doom. 14:16-17

Thou wilt see the guilty on that day linked together in chains, Their raiment of pitch, and the Fire covering their faces. 14:49-50

We shall assemble them on the Day of Resurrection on their faces, blind, dumb and deaf; their habitation will be hell; whenever it abateth, We increase the flame for them. That is their reward because they disbelieved Our revelations. 17:97-98

Lo! We have prepared for disbelievers Fire. Its tent encloseth them. If they ask for showers, they will be showered with water like to molten lead which burneth the faces. Calamitous the drink and ill the resting-place! 18:29

The guilty behold the Fire and know that they are about to fall therein, and they find no way of escape thence. 18:53

If those who disbelieved but knew the time when they will not be able to drive off the fire from their faces and from their backs, and they will not be helped! 21:29

Behold them, staring wide (in terror), the eyes of those who disbelieve! 21:97

But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. Whenever, in their anguish, they would go forth from thence they are driven back therein and (it is said unto them): Taste the doom of burning. 22:19-22

The fire burneth their faces, and they are glum therein. 23:104

For those who deny (the coming of) the Hour We have prepared a flame. When it seeth them from afar, they hear the crackling and the roar thereof. And when they are flung into a narrow place thereof, chained together, they pray for destruction there. 25:11-13

It will be a hard day for disbelievers. On the day when the wrong-doer gnaweth his hands, he will say: Ah, would that I had chosen a way together with the messenger (of Allah)! 25:26-27

But as for those who disbelieve, for them is fire of hell; it taketh not complete effect upon them so that they can die, nor is its torment lightened for them. Thus We punish every ingrate. And they cry for help there, (saying): Our Lord! Release us; we will do right, not (the wrong) that we used to do. ... Now taste (the flavour of your deeds), for evil-doers have no helper. 35:36-37

Those in the Fire say unto the guards of hell: Entreat your Lord that He relieve us of a day of the torment ... although the prayer of disbelievers is in vain. 40:49-50

Those who deny the Scripture and that wherewith We send Our messengers. But they will come to know, When carcans are about their necks and chains. They are dragged Through boiling waters; then they are thrust into the Fire. 40:70-72

Lo! the tree of Zaqqum, The food of the sinner! Like molten brass, it seetheth in their bellies As the seething of boiling water. (And it will be said): Take him and drag him to the midst of hell, Then pour upon his head the torment of boiling water. 44:43-48

Those who are immortal in the Fire and are given boiling water to drink so that it teareth their bowels. 47:15

So which is worse? I'm not sure. I'll leave that for the Christians and Muslims to fight about.