What the Bible says about the Republican Primary

It should be easy for Republicans to select a candidate for president.

Just let God do it for them.

The only problem with that is this: God has already endorsed several, if not all, of the candidates.

Fortunately, the Bible has a foolproof procedure guaranteed to work even when God can't make up his own mind. It's called a lottery.

That's how God selected the first king of Israel. Here's how it worked.

God told the people to present themselves to him by tribe and clan ("thousands").

Samuel called the people together unto the LORD ... And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD ... present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands. 1 Samuel 10:17-19

Then a tribe was selected by lot. (Benjamin had the lucky number.)

And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 1 Samuel 10:20

Next, a clan was selected. (Matri)

When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21a

And the king was selected from the clan. (Saul)

And Saul the son of Kish was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21b

But Shucks! When they looked, they couldn't find him.

When they sought him, he could not be found. 1 Samuel 10:21c

So they asked God what to do and God said that Saul was hiding in the stuff.

Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff. 1 Samuel 10:22

And sure enough, they found Saul hiding in the stuff. He was hard to miss since he stood head and shoulders above everyone in Israel. (He was also the best-looking.)

And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 1 Samuel 10:23

It all worked out great in the end. God chose the best (tallest, best-looking) candidate and all the people shouted, "God save the king."

And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king. 1 Samuel 10:24

Well, except for a few "children of Belial" (RINOs) who complained about it a bit.

But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him. 1 Samuel 10:27

So there you have it. No need for expensive campaigns, debates, caucuses, straw polls, primaries, or nominating conventions. God's party should select its candidate God's way: by lottery. (Either that or just choose the tallest, best looking candidate. It should work out the same.)

(By the way, this isn't the only time a lottery was used in the Bible to select an important candidate. Matthias was selected by lottery to replace Judas, who died by spilling his guts out and hanging himself.)

What the Bible says about Liberals (and why Todd Akin should become one)

Congressmen Todd Akin (R-MO) recently said this about liberals:

At the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God.

So I thought I'd check to see what the Bible says about them. Here's what I found.

1. God makes liberals fat.

   The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25

2. And since being fat is is sure sign of righteousness in the eyes of God, liberals are righteous people.

   The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat and flourishing. -- Psalm 92:12-14

3. Liberals are not lying, churlish, vile, villainous hypocrites that steal from the poor and hungry. (Guess who that would be.)

   The vile person shall be no more called liberal ... For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy ... to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail. The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words. -- Isaiah 32:5-7

4. Liberals distribute wealth from the rich to the poor.

   For your liberal distribution ... unto all men ... Thanks be unto God. -- 2 Corinthians 9:13-15

5. And lastly, liberals devise and stand for liberal things.

   The liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. -- Isaiah 32:8

God loves liberals. Todd Akin should become one. Then God would love him, too.

All the Fat is the Lord's: What the Bible says about Fat People

First of all, it is important to understand that God really likes fat. So I suppose he likes fat people, too. (He's probably overweight himself.)

All the fat is the Lord's.-- Leviticus 3:16

Even God's sword is fat (and bloody).

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness. -- Isaiah 34:6

God likes fat animals, too. He plans to feed people to to them to make them even fatter.

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field ... Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth ... And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. -- Ezekiel 39:17-19

God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.)

The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 13:4

God makes liberals fat, too. (I guess religious liberals should be the fattest of all.)

The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25

If you trust God, he will make you fat. (So if you want to lose weight, don't trust him.)

He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 28:25

Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.)

The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat. -- Psalm 92:12-14

How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are fat and get plenty to eat; the wicked are the ones who go hungry.

The righteous eateth to the satisfying of his soul: but the belly of the wicked shall want.-- Proverbs 13:25

So don't bother with the diet. Trust in God and be good, righteous, diligent, an liberal. And fat.