The Best Fathers in the Bible: Examples for Father's Day

Since it's getting close to Father's Day, I'm bumping this post up again.

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1. Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
   For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them, except for Noah (and his family), that is.
   
    What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)
   
   It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.
   

   And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

    So drink up on Father's Day all you dads out there. Pass out and lie around naked in front of God and everybody. If any of your kids happen to see you, curse them in the name of the Lord -- or better yet, curse your unborn grandkids and all of their descendants with slavery. Just follow the example of that just and perfect, godly preacher of righteousness, Noah!
   
   
2. Lot, the just and righteous
   Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family, because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him.
   
   He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:
   

   "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8

   Later he got drunk and impregnated them.

   Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

   So if you are attacked by a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers on Father's Day, follow the just and righteous Lot's example. Offer your virgin daughters to the mob to do whatever they want to do with them and then (if your daughters survive that) get drunk and impregnate them.
   
   
3. Abraham
   Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.
   

   Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14

   He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.

   And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

   So if your wife can't stand one of your kids and tells you to throw him or her out of the house, follow Father Abraham's example and do what she says. Then later, if God asks you to kill one of your other children, do that too. Don't worry about it. God will probably send an angel to protect the abandoned child and provide a goat for you to kill instead of your kid at the last minute. Just be willing to abandon and kill your children for God if he asks you to. That's the important thing.
   
   
4. Isaac
   Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac loved Esau (because he liked to eat his venison), Rebekah loved Jacob (God knows why), and God hated Esau.
   

   Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. -- Genesis 25:28

   Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. -- Romans 9:13

   The Bible doesn't say anything more about Isaac's relationship with his two sons until he is about to die, when Rebekah, Jacob, and God all work together to steal Isaac's blessing of Esau and make it apply to Jacob instead. It's a bit too long to tell here, so I suggest you read the Brick Testament story instead. There is an important message for fathers here. Every father should understand that God will love some of his children and hate others. Don't worry about it. Just try to find out which of you children God hates and then go and do likewise.
   
   
5. Jacob
   Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
   

   Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

   So don't fall for the modern secular lie that a father should love all of children as much and as equally as possible. Follow the example of Jacob and love one of your children more than all of the others.
   
   
6. Aaron
   Aaron watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.
   

   And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

   So if God decides to burn your children to death for burning incense or whatever, just watch quietly. And for God's sake, don't complain about it.
   
   
7. Caleb
   Caleb was one of the twelve scouts that Moses sent out during the Exodus to check out the land of Canaan. Since Caleb told Moses what he wanted to hear (that it would be easy to conquer the Canaanites), he was rewarded, while the ten honest scouts (who filed more discouraging reports) were killed by God in a plague (God's 18th killing).
   
   Forty years later, when the Israelites were busy killing Canaanites, Caleb offered a reward to whomever could smite (kill all the inhabitants of) the city of Kirjathsepher. The reward was his daughter, Achsah.
   

   Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16

   The guy who won the reward happened to be one of Caleb's relatives.
   

   And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:17

   It's hard to tell from that verse whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but whichever it was God approved of the whole thing. Because Caleb was "God's servant."
   

   And the LORD said ... my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it. Numbers 15:20-23

   So to all you dads out there, God says it's OK to give your daughter to someone who commits genocide for you, even if the someone is a close relative, like a uncle or even a brother. What the heck.
   
   
8. Gideon
   Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.
   

   And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30

   He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.
   

   And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

   This one is pretty obvious. Try to have as many wives and sons as possible. And teach your sons what it means to be real men. (Real men are not afraid to kill people.)
   
   
9. Jephthah
   When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.
   

   Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

   So when the spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you promise God to kill whomever you happen to see first when you get home from your latest God-assisted genocide, remember Jephthah and fulfill your promise to God, even if it means you have to kill and burn your daughter as a sacrifice to God.
   
   
10. Saul
    Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.
    

    And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25

    David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).

    Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27

    And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction. So don't settle for just a few foreskins when selling your daughters.
    
    
11. David
    You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.
    David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
    

    Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6

    So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.
    

    It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34

    And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

    Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9

    So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.

    So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46

    The lesson here is this: have a list of people you'd like your children to kill for you after your die.
    
    
12. Job
    Job was a perfect man (and perfect father) with ten children, seven sons and three daughters.
    

    There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect ... There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Job 1:1-2

    As part of a bet, God and Satan killed Job's children. After the killing, Job "blessed God" and didn't "foolishly" blame God for his murderous Satanic bet. (See here for details. Or read all 8 of the Brick Testament stories about Job.)
    
    In the end, God rewarded Job for not complaining by replacing the dead children with a completely a new set of ten kids. And the new daughters were even prettier than before!
    

    So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning ... He had also seven sons and three daughters ... And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:12-13

    So remember dads, if you don't like your children all that much, or have some ugly daughters or whatnot, just ask God and Satan to kill them for you. That way you're sure to get a better set of kids.
      
13. Hosea
    Hosea's family life was prearranged by God, and was, therefore, perfect by definition.
    
    God told him to take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer.
    

    The LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.  So he went and took Gomer. Hosea 1:2-3

    Gomer had a daughter, which God told Hosea to name "unloved."
    

    Gomer ... conceived ... and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah. Hosea 1:3-6

    Hosea tells his unloved daughter that her mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks her to tell her  mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he (Hosea or God?) will "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst."
    

    Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts. Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born ... and slay her with thirst. Hosea 2:

    God (or Hosea, it's hard to tell them apart) says he will not have mercy on Hosea's children, because their mother is a whore.
    

    I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.
    For their mother hath played the harlot. Hosea 2:4-5

    So there you have it: the perfect example for godly fathers.
    
    Marry a whore, give your children nasty names like "unloved," tell them their mother is a whore, and have no mercy on them since they are "the children of whoredoms."
    
    
14. Simon Peter
    We don't know from the gospels whether or not Peter was a father, but he was definitely a married man, since Jesus rebuked Peter's mother-in-law's fever.
    

    He [Jesus] arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon's house. And Simon's wife's mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought him for her. And he stood over her, and rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4:38-39

    Since Peter was married, it's reasonable to suppose that he had children, not that it matters much since Jesus encouraged his disciples to abandon their wives and children. (The first pope abandoned his family for Jesus in Luke 5:11.)
    

    Jesus said ... Every one that hath forsaken ... wife, or children ... for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:28-29 Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

    So to hell with fatherhood. Forsake wife and children for Jesus. (He'll give you a big reward for it!)
    
    
15. God the Father
    Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.
    
    

The Book of Job

Job's Daughters (even prettier than the originals!)

Remember how, in God's 107th killing, a big wind blew down the house that Job's children were partying in? Well, it was all a part of God's plan -- or in this case, his bet with Satan.

In case you were wondering, God won the bet. Job never cursed God, even after he killed his children, slaves and animals, and then tormented Job with all kinds of nasty diseases.

And in the end, everything worked out well for Job. God gave him twice as much stuff as he had before, and even gave him seven new sons and three new daughters to replace the ones that he killed in his bet with Satan.

The new daughters even had names. And, best of all, the they were even prettier than the originals! They were the fairest women in all the land (fairer even than Snow White and the witch).

And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch. And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:14-15

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You've probably heard of the masonic organization, "Job's Daughters," where young girls dress up in sheets and old men decide who is prettiest.

Yeah, well, now you know where the name comes from: the three pretty replacement daughters for the original (not as pretty) daughters of Job.

How sick is that?

God and/or Satan kill Job's children, slaves, and animals

This is the only killing in the Bible that Satan had anything to do with. And he didn't do it alone; God was a co-conspirator.

The story begins by introducing Job.

Job was a perfect man with 7 sons, 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she asses, and lots of slaves. He was the greatest man east of the Mediterranean.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. Job 1:1-3

Job's sons liked to party a lot, and they often invited their sisters over to party with them.

And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Job 1:4

Job worried that his sons (he didn't worry about about his daughters) might sin while they were partying, so Job spent all his time killing animals for God in order to sanctify his sons.

And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. Job 1:5

One day the sons of God came over to to God's place. And Satan was with them.

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Job 1:6

God ignored his other sons, but was especially interested in Satan. He hadn't seen him for a while and wanted to know what he'd been up to lately.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Job 1:7a

Satan said that he'd been down hiking around on earth.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Job 1:7b

God asked Satan if he'd seen Job, you know, the guy that is perfect, upright, God-fearing, and whatnot.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Job 1:8

Satan knew who God was talking about. He told God that Job had a good reason to be good. God made Job the biggest big shot east of Eden, protecting him from everything bad and giving him everything good.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Job 1:9-10

Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he'll curse you to your face, Big Guy.

But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Job 1:11

So God said, "You're on, Satan. Go back down to earth and and do whatever the hell you want with his stuff. But don't do anything to him."

And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Job 1:12a

So Satan left God's place and, presumably, went down to earth to visit Job.

So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. Job 1:12b

When Satan got down to earth, he found Job's children partying, as usual.

And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: Job 1:13

And then all hell broke loose.

A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and asses and killed all his slaves ("servants" in the KJV).

And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:14-15

And then, while he was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that "a fire from God had fallen from heaven" and burned up Job's sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 116:

And then while the second messenger was talking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the house that his children were partying at, killing them all.
(These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.)

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:18-19

After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the God who had just murdered his children.

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. Job 1:20

Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, God gives and takes away, blessed be his name.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. Job 1:21

God burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn't blame God.

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. Job 1:22

But God was to blame, even if Job didn't have the guts to say so.

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We know that God and Satan killed Job's seven sons and three daughters. Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in God's little bet with Satan, but the Bible doesn't say how many. I'll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).

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God's next killing: Hananiah

How many animals has God killed?

And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 1 Samuel 11:6-7

Too many to count, that's for sure.

How many animals did God drown in the flood? How many were sacrificed to him just so he could smell the sweet savor of their burning flesh?

Not even God knows that. He lost count long ago.

So I'll just list the times that God killed or commanded others to kill animals. (I wonder how many of these passages are marked green in the world's most dishonest book: The Green Bible*.)

1. Abel's offering: The first God-approved animal sacrifice

   And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering. (Genesis 4:4)

2. The flood of Noah: God kills every animal except those in the ark (because "The earth was filled with violence.")

   And all flesh died that moved upon the earth ... All in whose nostrils was the breath of life ... they were destroyed from the earth. (Genesis 7:21-23)

3. After God drowns all the animals except for those in the ark, Noah killed and sacrificed to God one of every surviving "clean" animal species. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." (This shows God's concern for endangered species.)

   And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

4. God has Abram kill some animals for him: A cow, goat, ram, dove, and pigeon.

   Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst. (Genesis 15:9)

5. God told Abraham to kill his son, but at the last moment, he changed his mind and told Abe to kill a ram for him instead.

   Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son. (Genesis 22:10-13)

6. To impress the Pharaoh, God turns the Nile into blood, killing all the fish. (It didn't work. The magicians of Egypt knew this trick, too.)

   And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

7. God kills all the cattle, horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep in Egypt.

   the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

8. God kills the (already dead) beasts of Egypt by smashing them with hail.

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

9. God kills all the firstborn (twice-dead) Egyptian cattle. (I don't know how God figured out which were firstborn, but, hey, that's why he's God, right?)

   at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. (Exodus 12:29)

10. God drowns more than 600 horses.

    And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt ... For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them. (Exodus 14:7; 15:1, 19)

11. "And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people."

    [Moses] offered burnt offerings, and sacrificed peace offerings of oxen unto the LORD. And Moses took half of the blood, and put it in basons; and half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar ... And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people. (Exodus 24:5)

12. Moses kills a bullock for God

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the bullock for the sin offering. And he slew it; and Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger. (Leviticus 8:14-15)

13. Aaron kills a ram "and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about."

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he killed it; and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moses burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat. (Leviticus 8:18-21)

14. Aaron kills another ram and "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot."

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he slew it,; and Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot. And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. (Leviticus 8:22-24)

15. Aaron kills a calf for a sin offering "and he dipped his finger in the blood."

    Aaron ... slew the calf of the sin offering ... And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar: (Leviticus 9:8-9)

16. Aaron kills the burnt offering "and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar."

    And he slew the burnt offering; and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar. (Leviticus 9:12-14)

17. Aaron kills a bullock for a wave offering. "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD."

    He slew also the bullock and the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings, which was for the people: and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled upon the altar round about ... And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded. (Leviticus 9:18-21)

18. Killing more animals to satisfy a blood-thirsty god.

    He shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest ... and the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. (Numbers 6:10-20)

19. When Moses set up the tabernacle, each of the twelve tribes kills a bullock, lamb, ram, and a kid, two oxen, and five rams, goats, and lambs for God, for a grand total of 240 animal sacrifices. (Numbers 7:15-88)

20. The Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." (Numbers 8:8-12)

21. God commands Joshua to kill every animal in Jericho (because they are "accursed" to the Lord.)

    And the city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD. ... And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. (Joshua 6:17-21)

22. God tells the Israelites to stone and burn to death Achan's animals (along with Achan and his family, of course).

    And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep ... And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. (Joshua 7:24-25)

23. More burned offerings to the Lord.

    As Moses the servant of the LORD commanded ... they offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. (Joshua 8:31)

24. The spitit of the Lord came on Samson (and he killed a lion).

    Then went Samson down ... and, behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. (Judges14:5-8)

25. The Spirit of God comes on Saul (and he hacks a yoke of oxen to death and sends the pieces throughout Israel).

    And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers.(1 Samuel 11:6-7)

26. God was angry at Saul for not killing all the Amalekite animals. Saul killed all the people (except Agag), but he kept some of their animals. Because he didn't kill everything, God repented of choosing him for king. (So he made David king instead. David liked to kill things.)

    Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... Andand utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword ... But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs ... but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. ... Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. (1 Samuel 15:2-19)

27. When dedicating the temple, Solomon killed so many animals that it was impossible to number them. (Not even God knows how many animals were killed.)

    King Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel, that were assembled unto him, were with him before the ark, sacrificing sheep and oxen, that could not be told nor numbered for multitude.(1 Kings 8:5)

28. Just kidding -- God knows. It was 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep.

    And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. (1 Kings 8:63, 2 Chronicles 7:5)

29. To make God happy, the Israelites killed 700 oxen and 7,000 sheep (and all the non-believers).

    And they offered unto the LORD the same time, of the spoil which they had brought, seven hundred oxen and seven thousand sheep. ... That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.(2 Chronicles 15:11-13)

30. Seven bullocks, seven rams, seven lambs, and seven he-goats were killed, and their blood sprinkled around. Then the carcasses were burned and they sang "the song of the Lord."

    And they brought seven bullocks, and seven rams, and seven lambs, and seven he goats, for a sin offering ... So they killed the bullocks, and the priests received the blood, and sprinkled it on the altar: likewise, when they had killed the rams, they sprinkled the blood upon the altar: they killed also the lambs, and they sprinkled the blood upon the altar. And they brought forth the he goats for the sin offering ... And the priests killed them, and they made reconciliation with their blood upon the altar, to make an atonement for all Israel: for the king commanded that the burnt offering and the sin offering should be made for all Israel. ... And when the burnt offering began, the song of the LORD began.(2 Chronicles 29:21-27)

31. God and Satan not only killed Job's 10 children, they also killed his servants (I need to revise their kill numbers!) and burned to death his sheep.

    While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them (Job 1:16)

32. Jesus drowns a herd of devil-possessed pigs.

    And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

33. Jesus drowns 2000 pigs, after driving them out of a possessed man. (Notice that the other story says there were 2 men. So I guess Jesus must have done this nasty trick twice -- or maybe the stories were just made up.)

    And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit ... And cried with a loud voice, and said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the most high God? ... And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. (Mark 5:2-13)

---

* I went back to the library to check on this. It turns out that 5 of the passages on the list are marked green in the Green Bible. Here they are, along with their comment for each.

1. Green Bible: "The stability of creation"

   (God drowned his creation and Noah sacrificed some of the few animals that survived; this shows how much God values the stability of his creation?)

   And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

2. Green Bible: "Polluted river was a plague of Egypt."

   (Yes, but who sent the plague? This should be marked red, not green.)

   And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

3. Green Bible: "The fifth plague: livestock diseased"

   (God killed all the horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep. What excuse could there be for marking this green?)

   the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

4. Green Bible: "The seventh plague: thunder and lightening"

   (God smashes animals and people with hail. This shows his concern for the environment?)

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

5. Green Bible: "Jesus sends demons into a herd of swine."

   (Yes he did. Kind of nasty, don't you think? I guess it was marked green because it had pigs and water in it.)

   And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

Who has killed more, Satan or God?

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Job 1:1-19

Since I revised the number on God's kill list, I also have to change the God vs. Satan killing contest results. So here it is.

In a previous post, I counted the number of people that were killed by God in the Bible. I came up with 2,476,633, which, of course, greatly underestimates God's total death toll, since it only includes those killings for which specific numbers are given. No attempt was made to include the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, or the many plagues, famines, fiery serpents, etc., with which the good book is filled. Still, 2 million is a respectable number even for world class killers.

But how does this compare with Satan? How many did he kill in the Bible?

Well I can only find ten, and even these he shares with God, since God allowed him to do it as a part of a bet. I'm talking about the seven sons and three daughters of Job.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job ... And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
...
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
...
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house...And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. -- Job 1:1-19

So it seems that both Satan and God share the blame (or the credit) for these killings. If so, then the tally would be:

	killings
God	2,476,633
Satan	10

No contest.

Update
I've tried to assign numbers to the un-numbered killings in the Bible. You can see the detailed list here.

The results were even more lopsided: 25 million (plus or minus a few million) for God; 60 for Satan.

Here is a more complete table.

	numbered killings	estimated total killings
God	2,476,633	25 million
Satan	10	60

The Goon Bible Project - Book of Job

The Book of Job gets way more respect than it deserves.

It is, after all, Howard Dean's favorite New Testament book. (I don't know whether he just misspoke during the interview, or whether he really didn't know which testament Job is in. But it was probably the latter. If he's like most American politicians, he's never read the Bible, but he has to pretend that it's one of his favorite books.)

The Goon Bible Project gives the Book of Job a fair and balanced treatment.