23 December 2009

Five Golden Hemorrhoids ... and a partridge in a pear tree

Garrison Keillor says that atheists and Jews should "buzz off" at Christmas time and leave the holiday to believers.

But I like Christmas too much to leave it to Mr. Keillor and other mindless bigots.* In fact, I'd like to propose an improvement to one of their carols.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is a fun song, but none of the gifts have much to do with the Bible or Christianity. There are no french hens, leaping lords, or swimming swans in the Bible. And what's with the "Five Golden Rings" thing?

So let's change "Five Golden Rings" to something that has some religious significance. Something that is found in the Bible. Something God would appreciate.

Five Golden Hemorrhoids!
(If you don't know about them, you can read about them here.)

So this Christmas, in honor of Garrison Keillor, whenever you sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas" substitute "Five Golden Hemorrhoids" (or "Five Golden Rhoids") for "Five Golden Rings."

God and Garrison Keillor will love you for it!

Some believers might object by saying that the five golden hemorrhoids were from the Old Testament, so they have nothing to do with Jesus. But if so, they are forgetting that everything in the Old Testament points to Jesus. So the only question is this: How do the five golden hemorrhoids point to Jesus?

And the answer is perfectly obvious: The five golden hemorrhoids represent the five wounds of Christ in the crucifixion. They were fashioned out of gold and given to God as a present in the same way the wise men brought gifts to the baby Jesus at Christmas time.

Like everything else in the Bible, it all makes perfect sense.

Merry Christmas!

*I don't really think Garrison Keillor is a mindless bigot. I think he's just pretending to be one.


Brucker said...

I gotta admit, the "five wounds of Jesus" thing made me chuckle. You should make a fully-revamped carol with Biblical stuff for all twelve days.

Steve Wells said...

"You should make a fully-revamped carol with Biblical stuff for all twelve days."

Yeah, I've thought about doing that, but it would take some work. Maybe next year.

Matthew Blanchette said...

The "four calling birds" one is easy; just change it to "four chopped-up birds", and you've got a verse God'll love.

Heh; five sacred wounds? Were you a Catholic, Steve? Only a former Catholic would've been taught something like that (and I should know)... ;-)

busterggi said...

Well we know the last gift would be twelve body parts of concubines.

Autumn said...

Since Steve is busy this year, why don't you revamp a carol for us?

skanksta said...


Thanks for your reply on the other thread - you are a gentlemen.

Brucker said...

"...you are a gentlemen."

Yes, but I'm getting treatment for my MPD.

Anonymous said...

Of course the 5 Golden Rings are in the Bible! Yahweh gives the Elves 3 Rings, the Dwarves 7, the Humans 9, and the Christians 5. It's right there, after the begatting and before the Sundering of NĂºmenor...or am I mixing up my fiction again?

Unknown said...

Lol - freudian slip @ the multiple personalites required of those with faith in place of reason ?!

Unknown said...

Hope everyone had a happy Saturnalia and thanked Sol Invictus for sending the sun back for another year!

That is the Reason for the Season, right?

skanksta said...

Hi Steve,

My comment come out as if from "david" - bit weird...
was @ brucker from skanksta