Something Christians, Jews, and Muslims can agree on: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

As you may have heard, Michelle Obama ran into trouble Tuesday while visiting Indonesia. She shook hands with a man (actually several of them) while passing through a receiving line that greeted the president and the first lady after their arrival in Jakarta.

Here's a safe for work (unless you're in Indonesia maybe) but shocking video of the event.

So what's wrong with shaking hands with a woman, you ask?

Well nothing, unless you're a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim man. You see, it is something that all of the Great Abrahamic Faiths agree on: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

Let's start with Christianity. Can a Christian man touch a woman?

Well, here's what the guy that started it all said about it.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Corinthians 7:1

And Paul meant what he said here, though he knew that some men just couldn't control themselves. His advice to such moral weaklings was to go ahead and get married (7:2). Still, Paul would prefer that every man be like he was: unmarried and untouched by women (7:7). And he recommended that even married people abstain from sex. (Jesus is coming soon so there's no time for sex. 7:29)

How about Jews? Is it OK for a Jewish man to touch a woman?

The question is answered in Leviticus 15.

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. .. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30

What God is trying to say here is this: menstruating women are unclean and anyone that touches them is also unclean. They're unclean as soon as they begin to menstruate and for at least seven days after that. The only way they can ever become clean again is to kill two pigeons or "turtles" (the KJV "turtles" are probably turtle doves) as sin and burnt offerings. Without the dead burned birds, though, a women who has once menstruated is unclean forever.

So a man shouldn't touch any woman between puberty and menopause unless he knows for sure that the proper burnt and sin offerings have been made after her last menstrual period. Since so few women sacrifice pigeons on the eighth day of their menstrual cycle anymore, all women of child-bearing age must be treated as unclean and, therefore, untouchable.

And what about Muslims? Can a Muslim man touch a woman?

Well, here is the only verse in the Quran that seems to address this question.

O ye who believe! When ye rise up for prayer, wash you faces, and your hands up to the elbows, and lightly rub your heads and (wash) your feet up to the ankles. And if ye are unclean, purify yourselves. And if ye are sick or on a journey, or one of you cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Allah would not place a burden on you, but He would purify you and would perfect His grace upon you, that ye may give thanks. Quran 5:6

So women are unclean and it's better not to touch them. But if you do touch a woman and you can't find any water to clean up with, just rub some dirt on yourself. That'll do it.

But Muhammad did, according to the hadith, address shaking hands with women. Here's what he supposedly said.

I do not shake hands with women.

It is better for you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle than to touch the hand of a woman who is to permissible to you.

So Christians, Jews, and Muslims agree: It is better for a man not to touch a woman. (And maybe someone should find an iron needle for that smiling Indonesian minister.)

Bryan Fischer: God's Grizzly Curse

Remember Bryan Fischer's last post about grizzly bears where he explained how God was sending bears to punish us for not following the laws of the Bible? Well he's at it again.

This time it was an article in the LA times that got him going. The article reported on the grizzly bear problem in the Yellowstone region, where two people have been killed by grizzlies in 2010. One was a botanist, the other a sleeping camper.

He starts off with this.

One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.

So, according to Bryan, since a couple people have been killed by grizzlies, every grizzly must die.

But that contradicts the Bible, doesn't it?

In 2 Kings 2:23-24, God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head.

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24

So to God, 2 bears are worth more than 42 boys.

Of course Bryan Fischer would say that the boys deserved it. Elisha cursed the little buggers in the name of the Lord and God sent bears to rip their little bodies apart.

But I'm especially confused by Bryan's closing paragraph.

God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.

If that's true, then shouldn't Bryan be on the side of God and the grizzlies? God has cursed the land (for electing Obama, helping poor people, whatever) by letting grizzlies loose on everybody (especially people in the Yellowstone region). God has an orgasm every time a botanist, camper, or "Go up thou bald head" boy is killed by a grizzly. Why doesn’t Mr. Fischer share in God’s pleasure?

1 Nephi 17: The Trip to Bountiful

Up to now, Nephi and company have just been camping out in the wilderness, going on little side trips from time to time. First they traveled from "the land of Jerusalem" to the shore of the Red Sea, a distance of at least 400 km. Then Nephi and his brothers made the return trip Jerusalem twice: first to get Lehi's brass plates and again to get some women. And in the last chapter, God gave Nephi a magic ball that pointed in the direction that God wanted him to go and even told Nephi where to kill wild beasts. All this happened within in single year: 600 BCE.

Now it was time for some serious traveling.

They began by heading east into the wilderness, across the Arabian peninsula.

And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. 1 Nephi 17:1a

They waded through much affliction and their nameless women bore children in the wilderness.

And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 17:1b

God fed them raw meat, their women gave plenty of suck, and the children grew up quickly, becoming as strong as men during the eight year journey.

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. ... And we did sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even eight years in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 17:2-4

After eight years of wading through affliction, eating raw meat, and getting plenty of suck, they arrived at a land they called Bountiful (because of its much fruit and also wild honey). And they saw the sea which they called Irreantum (which being interpreted means nothing at all).

And we did come to the land which we called Bountiful, because of its much fruit and also wild honey; and all these things were prepared of the Lord that we might not perish. And we beheld the sea, which we called Irreantum, which, being interpreted, is many waters. 1 Nephi 17:5

Then it came to pass after a space of many days that he, Nephi, heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Arise, get thee into the mountain." So Nephi got into the mountain and cried unto the Lord.

And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been in the land of Bountiful for the space of many days, the voice of the Lord came unto me, saying: Arise, and get thee into the mountain. And it came to pass that I arose and went up into the mountain, and cried unto the Lord. 1 Nephi 17:7

While Nephi was crying on the mountain top, God told him to build a ship.

And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee, that I may carry thy people across these waters. 1 Nephi 17:8

Nephi asked God where he would find the ore to make the metal to make the tools to make the ship.

And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me? 1 Nephi 17:9

But it was no big deal. God showed Nephi where to find the ore to make the tools.

And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools. 1 Nephi 17:10

Nephi made a bellows from the skin of beasts so he could blow on a fire, which he made by striking two stones together.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make a bellows wherewith to blow the fire, of the skins of beasts; and after I had made a bellows, that I might have wherewith to blow the fire, I did smite two stones together that I might make fire. 1 Nephi 17:11

Up to this time, you see, Nephi et al had no fire as they journeyed through the wilderness. They ate raw meat, which God sweetened for them.

For the Lord had not hitherto suffered that we should make much fire, as we journeyed in the wilderness; for he said: I will make thy food become sweet, that ye cook it not; 1 Nephi 17:12

So Nephi was pretty much all set. God showed Nephi where to mine the ore, from which he made ship-building tools using his trusty beast-skin bellows and striking stones.

And it came to pass that I did make tools of the ore which I did molten out of the rock. 1 Nephi 17:16

But when Nephi's brothers saw what he was doing they began to murmur against him.

And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, they began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship; yea, and he also thinketh that he can cross these great waters. 1 Nephi 17:17

Whereupon Nephi began a long, boring 1000-word sermon. Among many other things (that I'm going to skip) he told his brothers that God straitens murmurers by sending fiery flying serpents to bite and kill them.

The Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them. 1 Nephi 17:41

Then Nephi reminded them about stuff they'd already seen on the trip: talking angels from time to time that sometimes whispered and sometimes screamed so loudly that the earth shook.

Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder. 1 Nephi 17:45

But Nephi's brothers were tired of Nephi and his screaming angels. So they tried to throw him into the sea. It didn't work, though, because Nephi he was filled with the power of God even to the consuming of his flesh and whoever touched him would wither like a dried reed.

And now it came to pass that when I had spoken these words, they were angry with me, and were desirous to throw me into the depths of the sea; and as they came forth to lay their hands upon me I spake unto them, saying: In the name of the Almighty God, I command you that ye touch me not, for I am filled with the power of God, even unto the consuming of my flesh; and whoso shall lay his hands upon me shall wither even as a dried reed; and he shall be as naught before the power of God, for God shall smite him. 1 Nephi 17:48

Nephi kept talking on and on about many things to his brothers. Finally Nephi's brothers gave up and durst not touch Nephi with their fingers for the space of many days.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said many things unto my brethren, insomuch that they were confounded and could not contend against me; neither durst they lay their hands upon me nor touch me with their fingers, even for the space of many days. Now they durst not do this lest they should wither before me, so powerful was the Spirit of God; and thus it had wrought upon them. 1 Nephi 17:52

Still, God wasn't completely satisfied. He decided not to wither Nephi's brothers like dried reeds, but to shock the hell out of them instead. Just to show off a bit.

And it came to pass that the Lord said unto me: Stretch forth thine hand again unto thy brethren, and they shall not wither before thee, but I will shock them, saith the Lord, and this will I do, that they may know that I am the Lord their God. 1 Nephi 17:53

And it came to pass that Nephi stretched forth his hand to his brethren and they didn't wither, but the Lord did shake them, just like he said that he would.

And it came to pass that I stretched forth my hand unto my brethren, and they did not wither before me; but the Lord did shake them, even according to the word which he had spoken. 1 Nephi 17:54

And that did the trick. After God shocked Nephi's brothers they knew of a surety that God was with Nephi. They even wanted to worship Nephi, but Nephi told them not to, saying, "Oh My Heck, you guys, I'm just your younger brother."

And now, they said: We know of a surety that the Lord is with thee, for we know that it is the power of the Lord that has shaken us. And they fell down before me, and were about to worship me, but I would not suffer them, saying: I am thy brother, yea, even thy younger brother. 1 Nephi 17:55

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 1 Nephi 18: Nephi discovers America

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Jeroboam's family

The reason for this killing was the same as the last: God disliked Jeroboam (he was the worst person in the world) so he killed his son.

Now he's back for the rest of the family.

I think God may have gotten a bit carried away with this one, though. Remember how he told Jeroboam's wife that he was going to kill everyone in the house of Jeroboam "that pisseth against the wall"?

Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam   him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14.10

Well, usually "wall pissers" are taken to be males, but apparently God killed the entire family, including females.

God didn't do the killing himself, though, this time. He had Baasha do it for him. First Baasha killed Jeroboam's son Nadab, who became king of Israel after Jeroboam died. (Nadab was completely evil, too, just like his dad.)

Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin … and Baasha smote him ... and reigned in his stead. 15.25-28

Then God had Baasha kill Jeroboam's entire family, wall pissers and non wall pissers, alike. “He smote … any that breathed … according unto the saying of the Lord.”

He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite: Because of the sins of Jeroboam which he sinned, and which he made Israel sin, by his provocation wherewith he provoked the LORD God of Israel to anger. 15.29-30

The Bible doesn't say whether or not the bodies of the dead family were treated like shit, as God said they would be.

Behold, I … will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10

Or whether God fed their remains to the dogs and the birds, as he said he would.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11

But I suppose that's what happened. God wouldn't lie about a thing like that. Would he?

The text doesn't say how many were killed in this killing, so I'll just say 10.

God's next killing: Baasha's family and friends

Surah 2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

If anyone asks you about drinking and gambling, here's what Allah says to say.

They question thee about strong drink and games of chance. Say: In both is great sin, and (some) utility for men; but the sin of them is greater than their usefulness. 2:219a

Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either.

If you're wondering how much is too much, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous.

And they ask thee what they ought to spend. Say: that which is superfluous. 2:219b

Allah makes all his revelations plain so you can happily reflect.

Thus Allah maketh plain to you (His) revelations, that haply ye may reflect. 2:219c

But don't drink and gamble away all your superfluous stuff. Save some for orphans.

And they question thee concerning orphans. Say: To improve their lot is best. 2:220

Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Mormon woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Christian man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway?

Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire. 2:221

And what about menstruation, you ask? Well, Allah has this to say about that.

Menstruation is a filthy disease. All good Muslim men should stay the hell away from menstruating women And for God sakes, don't have sex with them while they're menstruating. It creeps Allah out just to think of it.

But don't worry guys. After they clean up you can have sex with them whenever you want. Allah loves clean men as much as he hates menstruating women.

They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. Truly Allah loveth those who turn unto Him, and loveth those who have a care for cleanness. 2:222

You see, in the mind of Allah, women are like a dirty field for you to plow with your penis. Plow them whenever you like (as long as they're not menstruating, of course.)

Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will. 2:223

Still, if you decide you don't want to have sex with your wives, Allah is OK with that, too. Wait four months, then if you change your mind, go ahead and have sex with them. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Fucking Crazy.

Those who forswear their wives must wait four months; then, if they change their mind, lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:226

Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce. If they skip one of their filthy periods, they must not hide it. In such a case, Allah suggests that their ex-husbands take their pregnant wives back.

Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. 2:228a

Allah says that women have rights similar to the men that rule over them. It's just that men, you see, are better then women. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Misogynistic.

And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:228b

I'm not going to go through all of Allah's rules for Holy Divorce. But here are a few highlights. None of it makes any sense to me.

First of all, you must divorce your wife twice. And she can ransom herself, whatever that might mean.

Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers. 2:229

But if you divorce your wife for the third time, you can't have her again until she marries another guy. Then if the other guy divorces her, it's OK for you to have sex with your thrice-divorced wife. What the hell. These are the limits of Allah.

And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge. 2:230

After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock.

When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing-stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things. 2:231

If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again. It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.

And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not. 2:232

Mothers should breast feed their kids for two years, but they don't have to if they don't want to. And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.

Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do. 2:233

After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.

Such of you as die and leave behind them wives, they (the wives) shall wait, keeping themselves apart, four months and ten days. And when they reach the term (prescribed for them) then there is no sin for you in aught that they may do with themselves in decency. Allah is informed of what ye do. 2:234

Allah is telling you this so you can understand.

Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations so that ye may understand. 2:242

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Bogging the Quran

2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories

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