1 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood

As I mentioned in my last post, Nephi threw in a couple chapters from Isaiah, ending with this verse (Isaiah 49:26):

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26

Now he explains who the "they" are.

And the blood of that great and abominable church, which is the whore of all the earth, shall turn upon their own heads; for they shall war among themselves, and the sword of their own hands shall fall upon their own heads, and they shall be drunken with their own blood. 1 Nephi 22:13

Catholics! Someday they'll all get drunk on their own blood.

And whoever fights against Zion (the Mormons) will be destroyed along with the blood-drunk Catholics.

All that fight against Zion shall be destroyed, and that great whore, who hath perverted the right ways of the Lord, yea, that great and abominable church, shall tumble to the dust and great shall be the fall of it. 1 Nephi 22:14

There will be blood and guts and fire all death over the place.

The day soon cometh that all the proud and they who do wickedly shall be as stubble; and the day cometh that they must be burned. For the time soon cometh that the fulness of the wrath of God shall be poured out upon all the children of men ... that the fulness of his wrath must come, and the righteous be preserved, even unto the destruction of their enemies by fire ... These things must shortly come; yea, even blood, and fire, and vapor of smoke must come ... they who fight against Zion shall be cut off. 1 Nephi 22:16-19

But then God will raise up a great prophet, as great as Isaiah (Joseph Smith).

A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass that all those who will not hear that prophet shall be cut off from among the people. 1 Nephi 22:20

Those that listen to the prophet and believe that "the things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true" (the Mormons) will survive and everyone else (that belong to other churches -- the kingdom of the devil) will be destroyed.

For the time speedily shall come that all churches ... who belong to the kingdom of the devil ... must be brought low in the dust; they are those who must be consumed as stubble. 1 Nephi 22:23

The things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true. 1 Nephi 22:30

It's as simple as that.

And thus it is and so forth forever. Amen.

And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 22:31

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 2 Nephi 1-3:A tale of four Josephs and loads of loin fruit

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Surah 4:35-80 Fresh skins for Allah's fire

This section starts off well enough, with Allah telling us to be kind to our parents, relatives, orphans, the needy, neighbors, strangers, and travelers.

(Show) kindness unto parents, and unto near kindred, and orphans, and the needy, and unto the neighbour who is of kin (unto you) and the neighbour who is not of kin, and the fellow-traveller and the wayfarer. 4:36

And yet, even here, when the Quran is at its very best, its dark side seeps through.

Because the same verse with the good stuff above includes the bad stuff below.

Serve Allah. Ascribe no thing as partner unto Him. (Show) kindness unto ... (the slaves) whom your right hands possess. Lo! Allah loveth not such as are proud and boastful, 4:36

Serve Allah, who has no partners. Be kind to your slaves. Don't be proud and boastful or Allah won't love you.

That's not all that bad, you say. And I agree. But it gets worse from there.

Allah reminds us about his plans for disbelievers and those who have the wrong imaginary friend (Satan instead of Allah).

For disbelievers We prepare a shameful doom; And (also) those who ... believe not in Allah nor the Last Day. Whoso taketh Satan for a comrade, a bad comrade hath he. 4:37-38

Next Allah says that there are times when we shouldn't pray. Like when we are drunk, dirty, after going to the bathroom, or after touching a woman. But if you have soiled yourself by touching a women or some other dirty thing, you can clean up without water by rubbing your hands and face in some dirt. That'll do it.

O ye who believe! Draw not near unto prayer when ye are drunken, till ye know that which ye utter ... nor when ye are polluted, save when journeying upon the road, till ye have bathed. And if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have touched women, and ye find not water, then go to high clean soil and rub your faces and your hands (therewith). Lo! Allah is Benign, Forgiving. 4:43

Now that that's out of the way, Allah tells us about our enemies.

Allah knoweth best (who are) your enemies. 4:45

And who are our enemies? Everyone except Muslims, of course.

1. The Jews, whom Allah has cursed for their disbelief, causing them to disbelieve, "save a few."

   Some of those who are Jews change words from their context and say: "We hear and disobey; hear thou as one who heareth not" and "Listen to us!" distorting with their tongues and slandering religion. If they had said: "We hear and we obey: hear thou, and look at us" it had been better for them, and more upright. But Allah hath cursed them for their disbelief, so they believe not, save a few. 4:46

   But Allah has not only cursed the Jews (causing their disbelief), he turned some of them into apes!

   O ye unto whom the Scripture hath been given! Believe in what We have revealed confirming that which ye possess, before We destroy countenances so as to confound them, or curse them as We cursed the Sabbath-breakers (of old time). 4:47

2. The Christians, who say that Allah has a partner, when, as everyone knows, Allah has no friends or partners.

   Allah forgiveth not that a partner should be ascribed unto Him. He forgiveth (all) save that to whom He will. Whoso ascribeth partners to Allah, he hath indeed invented a tremendous sin. 4:48

3. Those that invent lies about Allah, believe in idols, claim to be more rightly guided, or whatnot. Allah curses them all.

   See, how they invent lies about Allah! That of itself is flagrant sin. Hast thou not seen those unto whom a portion of the Scripture hath been given, how they believe in idols and false deities, and how they say of those (idolaters) who disbelieve: "These are more rightly guided than those who believe"? Those are they whom Allah hath cursed, and he whom Allah hath cursed. 4:50-52

4. And former Muslims. Hell is sufficient for their burning.

   And of them were (some) who believed therein and of them were (some) who turned away from it. Hell is sufficient for (their) burning. 4:55

Allah will burn disbelievers in the Fire. And after there skin burns off, he'll replace their skins and do it again and again. Allah is ever Mighty, Wise, Sadistic.

Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Lo! Allah is ever Mighty, Wise. 4:56

But those that believe and do good works will go to gardens after they die, where they'll have lots of shade and pure companions to mess around with forever.

And as for those who believe and do good works, We shall make them enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow - to dwell therein for ever; there for them are pure companions - and We shall make them enter plenteous shade. 4:57

So obey Allah and his messenger Muhammad.

Obey Allah, and obey the messenger and those of you who are in authority; and if ye have a dispute concerning any matter, refer it to Allah and the messenger 4:59

Oppose those that refuse to obey.

Hast thou not seen those who pretend that they believe in that which is revealed unto thee and that which was revealed before thee, how they would go for judgment (in their disputes) to false deities when they have been ordered to abjure them ? Satan would mislead them far astray. And when it is said unto them: Come unto that which Allah hath revealed and unto the messenger, thou seest the hypocrites turn from thee with aversion ... So oppose them and admonish them. 4:60-63

Hang out with Muslims. "The best of company are they!"

Whoso obeyeth Allah and the messenger, they are with those unto whom Allah hath shown favour, of the prophets and the saints and the martyrs and the righteous. The best of company are they! 4:69

Fight the disbelieving minions of the devil in the cause of Allah.

Fight in the way of Allah ... Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward ... Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil.4:74-76

And don't worry about dying in battle. Remember the shade and the pure companions. Allah wouldn't hurt the down on a date-stone.

Hast thou not seen those ... when fighting was prescribed ... say: Our Lord! Why hast Thou ordained fighting for us? ... Say (unto them, O Muhammad): The comfort of this world is scant; the Hereafter will be better for him who wardeth off (evil); and ye will not be wronged the down upon a date-stone. 4:77

If something good happens to you, it is because of Allah. If something bad happens, it's your own damn fault. Heads, Allah wins; tails, you lose.

If a happy thing befalleth them they say: This is from Allah; and if an evil thing befalleth them they say: This is of thy doing (O Muhammad). Say (unto them): All is from Allah. Whatever of good befalleth thee (O man) it is from Allah, and whatever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself. 4:78-79

Whoever obeys Muhammad, obeys Allah. Whoever doesn't, doesn't.

Whoso obeyeth the messenger hath obeyed Allah, and whoso turneth away: We have not sent thee as a warder over them. 4:80

So which would you prefer? Would you rather mess around in the shade with pure companions after you die or have your skin burned off over and over again by Allah?

Allah is Mighty, Wise, Sadistic.

The Fowls of Heaven: Is God trying to tell us something by killing red-winged blackbirds?

Who teacheth us more than the beasts of the earth, and maketh us wiser than the fowls of heaven? Job 35:11

You’ve probably heard about the thousands of red-winged blackbirds that fell from the sky on New Year’s Eve in Beebe, Arkansas. Well, that’s got Christians thinking. So I thought I’d help them out with that.

Is God trying to send a message by killing thousands of red-winged blackbirds?

It’s hard to say, but he’s done stuff like that before.

During the Exodus, for example, to punish the people for complaining about the lack of food and water, God sent a great wind that caused several trillion quail to fall from the sky. He forced the people to eat quail until it came out their noses. Literally.

Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. … And there went forth a wind from the LORD, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day's journey on this side, and as it were a day's journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. Numbers 11:19-31

So maybe God was just punishing the people of Beebe for complaining about their food. If so, then the Christians of Beebe should eat every last bird that fell from the sky. Eat them until it comes out their noses, or else God might get angry and send a “very great plague.” That’s what he did to the Israelites.

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33

I just hope it's not too late. Because if people don't eat the dead birds, birds will be eating dead people in the last supper of the great God.

Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God. … And all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:17-21

1 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood

Joseph Smith Nephi must have been getting tired of writing. Why else would he copy two chapters nearly verbatim from the King James Version of the Bible?

I suspect that the answer is much like Bill Clinton's answer to the question, "Why did you have sex with Monica Lewinsky?"

Because he could.

Except that in Nephi's case he couldn't, could he? How could Nephi copy from a book that didn't exist at the time and wouldn't exist for another 2200 years or so?

Well, it's complicated, but I think it goes something like this.

Nephi was copying from the plates of Lehi -- the plates that he had to go back to Jerusalem to get by murdering Laban. Lehi's plates were written in Reformed Egyptian (it's a lot like Pig Latin) and these plates contained the writings of the Old Testament prophets, including Isaiah. So Nephi just copied Isaiah 48 and 49 in reformed Egyptian onto his plates, making them chapters 20 and 21 of First Nephi.

I know what you're thinking.

Why are chapters 20 and 21 of 1 Nephi nearly identical to Isaiah 48 and 49 in the King James Version of the Bible? Well, silly, that's because Joseph Smith translated them, along with the rest of the Book of Mormon, into English from the Reformed Egyptian. And the Bible that Joseph Smith was familiar with was the King James Bible, so he naturally modeled his translation after that.

Now some of you smart asses out there are going to say something like this: How could the plates of Lehi include Isaiah 48 and 49 since these chapters are a part of Deutero-Isaiah, which wasn't written until after the Babylonian exile, 70 years or so after 1 Nephi was supposedly written?

And the answer to that is this: the same God who revealed Isaiah to Isaiah (or to whoever wrote Deutero-Isaiah) revealed the same stuff to whoever wrote the plates of Lehi. It's as simple as that.

As you read 1 Nephi 20 and 21, though, you'll notice something strange: If you compare it to the KJV's Isaiah 48 and 49, the text is nearly identical, but some of the words have been changed.

For example, here is 1 Nephi 20:1.

Hearken and hear this, O house of Jacob, who are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, or out of the waters of baptism, who swear by the name of the Lord, and make mention of the God of Israel, yet they swear not in truth nor in righteousness. 1 Nephi 20:1

And here is the corresponding verse from the King James Version of Isaiah 48.

Hear ye this, O house of Jacob, which are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, which swear by the name of the LORD, and make mention of the God of Israel, but not in truth, nor in righteousness. Isaiah 48:1

So now you'll probably want to know why there are differences.

Well, remember how Satan's church (the Catholic church) took away the plain and precious parts of the Bible? Nephi is restoring Isaiah to it's plain and precious state before it was fucked up by the Catholics. (I guess God was being proactive, retroactive, preemptive, or something, since 1 Nephi was written about 600 years before Jesus and/or Satan founded the Catholic church.)

And now some of you will probably ask how Isaiah (or the author of Deutero-Isaiah) could have included "out of the waters of baptism" since baptism was totally unknown in Old Testament times. And the answer, of course, is that God told him about baptism nearly 600 before it existed.

OK, so are we all clear now on how Isaiah 48 and 49 ended up in 1 Nephi 20 and 21, and why it is nearly (but not quite) identical to the King James Version of the Bible?

Good. Let's get on to more important matters -- like why God included these chapters in the Book of Mormon in the first place.

The short answer to that question is this: No one has any idea. Except that, as Joseph Smith Nephi explains later, Nephi's "soul delighteth" in the words of Isaiah.

And when you take a look at the last verse that he quotes from Isaiah, you can get an idea of what Nephi finds so delightful.

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26

But you'll have to wait until the next exciting episode to find out why Nephi is so delighted by this verse.

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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood

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Surah 4: 1-34 Woe to the Women

Surah 4 begins by repeating one of the first lies of Genesis. God created a man first, then a woman from the man, and all humans descended from them.

Your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. 4:1

Then Allah says something nice: don't steal from orphans or exchange the good for the bad.

Give unto orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. Lo! that would be a great sin. 4:2

If you mistreat orphans, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire. Fair is fair.

Those who devour the wealth of orphans wrongfully, they do but swallow fire into their bellies, and they will be exposed to burning flame. 4:10

Of course there are lots of other things that Allah will burn you forever for. Like disobeying him or his messenger Mo.

Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where he will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom. 4:14

Or killing people through injustice or aggression.

Kill not one another ... Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice, we shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:29-30

Or behaving badly without repenting until nearly dead, or dying while disbelieving.

The forgiveness is not for those who do ill-deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. 4:18

Next Allah lays down the law on inheritance.

The first part is clear enough. Females get half as much as males.

Allah chargeth you concerning (the provision for) your children: to the male the equivalent of the portion of two females... 4:11a

But things get confusing after that.

...and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.And to each of his parents a sixth of the inheritance, if he have a son; and if he have no son and his parents are his heirs, then to his mother appertaineth the third; and if he have brethren, then to his mother appertaineth the sixth, after any legacy he may have bequeathed, or debt (hath been paid). Your parents and your children: Ye know not which of them is nearer unto you in usefulness. It is an injunction from Allah. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.

And unto you belongeth a half of that which your wives leave, if they have no child; but if they have a child then unto you the fourth of that which they leave, afte r any legacy they may have bequeathed, or debt (they ma y have contracted, hath been paid). And unto them belon geth the fourth of that which ye leave if ye have no ch ild, but if ye have a child then the eighth of that whi ch ye leave, after any legacy ye may have bequeathed, o r debt (ye may have contracted, hath been paid). And if a man or a woman have a distant heir (having left neit her parent nor child), and he (or she) have a brother o r a sister (only on the mother's side) then to each of them twain (the brother and the sister) the sixth, and if they be more than two, then they shall be sharers in the third, after any legacy that may have been bequeat hed or debt (contracted) not injuring (the heirs by wil ling away more than a third of the heritage) hath been 4:11b-12

None of that makes sense to me, but here's a link that explains it all for you.

But the focus of this Surah is, as its title suggests, on women.

Allah explains that it's OK to have two, three, or four wives, slave or free. Whatever.

Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. 4:3

And if you can't afford to marry free Muslims women, go ahead and marry slaves, as long as they're Muslims.

Whoso is not able to afford to marry free, believing women, let them marry from the believing maids whom your right hands possess. 4:25a

But don't worry too much about it. If you decide you don't like some of your wives you can always exchange them for others.

And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another.... 4:20

Be careful, though, not to marry any women that are already married -- unless they're slaves that you obtained in war. Then it's OK.

All married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. 4:24

If any of your non-slave wives get lewd, cut off their inheritance and confine them to the house until they die.

It is not lawful for you forcibly to ... take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. 4:19

As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness ... confine them to the houses until death take them. 4:15

If your slave wives are guilty of lewdness, punish them half as much as you punish your lewd free wives.

If when they are honourably married they commit lewdness they shall incur the half of the punishment (prescribed) for free women. 4:25b

Always remember that men are better than women because Allah made them that way and men spend lots of money on women.

Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). 4:34a

So good women are obedient to men, guarding the secret that Allah gave to them.

So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. 4:34b

If your wives refuse to obey you, beat them and refuse to have sex with them.

As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. 4:34c

That'll teach them.