All the fat is the Lord's: The Bible's guide to Thanksgiving dinner

There are some things that God cares deeply about -- sex, foreskins, menstruation, and animal sacrifice, for example.

And food.

Most Christians forget about that. They prepare and eat food on Thanksgiving that God abhors, while thanking him for it. And it really pisses him off (insofar as an imaginary being can be pissed off, that is).

Don't make that mistake this Thanksgiving.

Here are some suggestions for a biblically correct Thanksgiving dinner.

1. Some things are abominations to God. Don't eat them. This includes:
   
   pork (No Thanksgiving ham),
   

   The swine ... is unclean to you ... their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch. Leviticus 11:7-8

   clams, lobsters, shrimp,
   

   All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: Leviticus 11:10

   four-legged creeping fowls,
   

   All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20

   most four-legged flying creeping things with legs above their feet (grasshoppers, locusts, and beetles are exceptions)
   

   All other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:21-23

   Every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten. Deuteronomy  14:19

   whatever crawls on its belly, goes on all four, or has lots of legs
   

   Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth ... are an abomination. Leviticus 11:42

2. Don't eat anything with blood. (No goddamned Thanksgiving blood sausage)
   

   Ye shall eat no manner of blood, whether it be of fowl or of beast. Leviticus 7:26
   
   Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood. Leviticus 19:26

3. Don't eat anything with fat (God loves fat and he doesn't like to share. So no animal fat or gravy.)
   

   All the fat is the Lord's. Leviticus 3:16
   
   Ye shall eat no manner of fat. Leviticus 7:23

4. Don't eat any uncircumcised fruit.
   

   When ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten Leviticus 19:23

OK, but what can be eaten on Thanksgiving without upsetting God too much?

Here are a few biblically-based suggestions.

1. Invite your family, friends, and neighbors over for Thanksgiving.
   And eat them.
   

   Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
   
   Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53
   
   I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9
   
   The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

2. Eat the flesh of your own arm and get drunk on your own blood (as with sweet wine).
   

   They shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9:19-20
   
   I will feed them ... with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

3. Spice things up a little. Eat your own dung and drinking your own piss.
   

   Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12

4. Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.
   

   Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof. Ezekiel 4:9
   
   And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 12

But what about turkey? Is it OK to eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

Well, that is a disputed topic.
I'll let the Bible believers fight it out.

Mosiah 2-6: The King's Speech

In the last chapter, King Benjamin waxed old, selected his son Mosiah to succeed him, and gathered all of his subjects to hear his speech so he could rid his garments of their blood.

And it came to pass that after Mosiah had done as his father had commanded him, and had made a proclamation throughout all the land, that the people gathered themselves together throughout all the land, that they might go up to the temple to hear the words which king Benjamin should speak unto them. Mosiah 2:1

I say unto you that I have caused that ye should assemble yourselves together that I might rid my garments of your blood. 2:28

But there were just too many of them. They had multiplied exceedingly. There were so many, in fact, that they couldn't be numbered or fit in the temple, so a tower had to be erected so that everyone could hear King Benjamin's exceedingly boring speech.

There were a great number, even so many that they did not number them; for they had multiplied exceedingly and waxed great in the land. 2:2

For the multitude being so great that king Benjamin could not teach them all within the walls of the temple, therefore he caused a tower to be erected, that thereby his people might hear the words which he should speak unto them. 2:7

Mosiah goes on for five chapters, saying all the usual stuff: Jesus is coming and everyone must pre-believe in him or be tortured forever in hell.

If he ... dieth in his sins, the same drinketh damnation to his own soul; for he receiveth for his wages an everlasting punishment. 2:33

Mercy hath no claim on that man; therefore his final doom is to endure a never-ending torment. 2:39

A state of misery and endless torment, from whence they can no more return; therefore they have drunk damnation to their own souls. 3:25

Their torment is as a lake of fire and brimstone, whose flames are unquenchable, and whose smoke ascendeth up forever and ever. 3:27

And Mosiah isn't just making stuff up. An angel of the Lord visited him and told him all about Jesus (who would be born in another 120 years or so). This is the umpteenth time Jesus is prophesied in great detail in the Book of Mormon. It's almost as though the whole thing was written using language that mimicked the King James Version of the Bible by someone living in nineteenth century America.

But we do learn a few new things about Jesus.

He will suffer so much that blood will come out of every pore of his body. And he is not only the Son of God, he is also the Father of heaven and earth.

The things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by an angel from God. And he said unto me: Awake; and I awoke, and behold he stood before me. 3:2

For behold, the time cometh, and is not far distant, that ... the Lord Omnipotent ... shall come down from heaven among the children of men. 3:5

He shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men. 3:6

And lo, he shall suffer ... blood cometh from every pore. 3:7

He shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth ... and his mother shall be called Mary. 3:8

When King Benjamin quit speaking, everyone in Zarahemla fell down.

And now, it came to pass that when king Benjamin had made an end of speaking the words which had been delivered unto him by the angel of the Lord, that he cast his eyes round about on the multitude, and behold they had fallen to the earth, for the fear of the Lord had come upon them. 4:1

And they all spoke in unison the following words:

O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men. 4:2

When the crowd was finished with their speech, the king started speaking again.

And king Benjamin again opened his mouth and began to speak unto them, saying......... 4:4-30

After King Benjamin's speech, he sent his officials out to ask the people if they believed the stuff he told them.

It came to pass that when king Benjamin had thus spoken to his people, he sent among them, desiring to know of his people if they believed the words which he had spoken unto them. 5:1

He didn't need Nate Silver to do the analysis.

Everyone believed everything he said and they all cried out together, "Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken to us...."

And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. 5:2

And we, ourselves, also, through the infinite goodness of God, and the manifestations of his Spirit, have great views of that which is to come; and were it expedient, we could prophesy of all things. 5:3

And it is the faith which we have had on the things which our king has spoken unto us that has brought us to this great knowledge, whereby we do rejoice with such exceedingly great joy. 5:4

And we are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, and to be obedient to his commandments in all things that he shall command us, all the remainder of our days, that we may not bring upon ourselves a never-ending torment, as has been spoken by the angel, that we may not drink out of the cup of the wrath of God. 5:5

And, by golly, those were just the words King Benjamin hoped they'd say!

These are the words which king Benjamin desired of them. 5:6

Then King Benjamin broke into one of his boring speeches again.

And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ........ 5:7-15

After King Benjamin finally finished speaking (God, I hope he's really done this time), he decided to make a list of all the born-again Christians. It turned out that everyone had been saved, except for maybe the little children -- 120 years before Jesus was born!

King Benjamin thought it was expedient, after having finished speaking to the people, that he should take the names of all those who had entered into a covenant with God. 6:1

And it came to pass that there was not one soul, except it were little children, but who had entered into the covenant and had taken upon them the name of Christ. 6:2

Benjamin made his son Mosiah king and appointed priests to instruct the people. Mosiah walked in the ways of the Lord and everything was peachy in Zarahemla, just like it was when his dad was king.

King Benjamin ... consecrated his son Mosiah to be a ruler and a king ... and also had appointed priests to teach the people." 6:3

And it came to pass that king Mosiah did walk in the ways of the Lord, and did observe his judgments and his statutes, and did keep his commandments in all things whatsoever he commanded him. 6:6

And there was no contention among all his people for the space of three years. 6:7

Mosiah 1: King Benjamin teaches his sons Reformed Egyptian

Remember how, back in the Book of Omni, the Nephites discovered the land of Zarahemla while fleeing from the evil Lamanites? Well, that's where the Book of Mosiah takes place between 130 and 92 BCE (except for a flashback to 200 BCE in chapters 9-22, which I'll cover in a later post).

King Benjamin was the son of the Mosiah from the Book of Omni. He was a perfect king and the land of Zarahemla was perfectly peaceful and happy during his entire reign.

And now there was no more contention in all the land of Zarahemla, among all the people who belonged to king Benjamin, so that king Benjamin had continual peace all the remainder of his days. Mosiah 1:1

Benjamin taught his sons Reformed Egyptian so they could read the brass plates. Good thing, too -- otherwise they'd suffer ignorance and dwindle in unbelief.

King Benjamin ... had three sons ... Mosiah, and Helorum, and Helaman. And he caused that they should be taught in all the language of his fathers. 1:1-2

And he also taught them concerning the records which were engraven on the plates of brass, saying: My sons ... were it not for these plates ... we must have suffered in ignorance. 1:3

Lehi ... having been taught in the language of the Egyptians. 1:4

Were it not for these things ... our fathers would have dwindled in unbelief. 1:5

The king told his sons that all the sayings, records, and  plates are true, along with lots of other true stuff that didn't make it into the Book of Mosiah.

These sayings are true, and also that these records are true. And behold, also the plates of Nephi ... are true. ... And many more things did king Benjamin teach his sons, which are not written in this book. 1:6-8

Then it came to pass that the king waxed old, made an end of teaching his sons, and got ready to go the way of all the earth. So he figured he'd better choose one of his sons to succeed him.

And it came to pass that after king Benjamin had made an end of teaching his sons, that he waxed old, and he saw that he must very soon go the way of all the earth; therefore, he thought it expedient that he should confer the kingdom upon one of his sons. 1:9

He chose Mosiah. (Just to confuse you, Mosiah's grandfather was also named Mosiah.)

Therefore, he had Mosiah brought before him. 1:10

And gave him all his special things: the plates of Nephi, the sword of Laban (that Nephi used to decapitate Laban), and the magic ball of curious workmanship that was made by God himself.

And it came to pass that ... king Benjamin gave him ... the plates of Nephi; and also, the sword of Laban, and the ball or director, which led our fathers through the wilderness, which was prepared by the hand of the Lord. 1:15-16

Then the king called everyone in his kingdom to hear his speech, which I'll tell you about in my next post.

A Challenge to Christians

It's been three years since I posted this and there is still no response from Bible believers. So I thought I'd try again. (Thanks for reminding me, Brucker!)

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I have always been amazed with how untroubled believers appear to be with God's killings in the Bible. It's good to know that I am not alone.

Here are Zinnia Jones' thoughts on the subject.

I had expected that everyone would easily recognize that ... all genocides were clearly wrong. But this was not the case. Instead, I was surprised to see that Christians were defending these genocides and claiming that they were justified. One of the reasons they offered was that the victims were so evil that they all deserved to be killed. Others said that the Israelites were in need of land, so God allowed them to conquer neighboring territories. And some even claim that anything God commands is morally right by definition and that we have no standing to question this or disobey his commands.

It was really quite startling that these excuses were so similar to the justifications used by the perpetrators of genocide. The victims were simply unworthy of life, or they needed to acquire more territory for themselves, or they were just following orders. Even more unnerving is how indifferent these people are to the realities of genocide. They apparently have no problem with killing defenseless children and treating even infants as too evil to live. It's like none of this seems real to them.

But perhaps the most disturbing aspect is that of all the Christians I've discussed this with, not one of them has been willing to condemn these genocides. Not a single one. They have all tried to defend this.

So, I'd like to issue a challenge to Christians. Can you acknowledge that genocide is wrong even if God commands it? Can you agree that genocide is never acceptable including the genocides of the Bible? Are you capable as a Christian of condemning genocide without equivocation?

And I'll add another challenge to Zinnia's: If you refuse to condemn God's genocides in the Bible, then defend them. Right here on this blog. Just pick your favorite and tell us why you like it so darned much.

Maybe you think it was especially cool that God burned people to death for complaining. Or that he sent fiery serpents to bite and kill people (again for complaining -- this time about the lack of food and water). Just pick one and tell us why you love God so much for doing it.

You can have a guest post right here and become as famous as Brucker!

The Hanukkah killings

A year after God's slaughter of Georga's army, Lysias attacked Judas with army of 60,000.

The year following Lysias gathered together threescore thousand chosen men, and five thousand horsemen. 1 Machabees 4:28

Judas asked God to deliver the Syrians like he did the mighty and the strangers to David and Jonathan.

Judas met them with ten thousand men ... and he prayed, and said: Blessed art thou, O Saviour of Israel, who didst break the violence of the mighty by the hand of thy servant David, and didst deliver up the camp of the strangers into the hands of Jonathan the son of Saul and of his armourbearer. 4:29-30

He asked God to scare the hell out of them.

Strike them with fear ... and let them quake at their own destruction. 4:32

And kill them with the sword of those that love him.

Cast them down with the sword of them that love thee: and let all that know thy name, praise thee with hymns. 4:33

And it worked. 

God helped Judas kill another 5000.

And there fell of the army of Lysias five thousand men. 4:34

After God "discomfited" the Gentiles, Judas and his brethren went to clean up the Temple.

Then Judas, and his brethren said: Behold our enemies are discomfited: let us go up now to cleanse the holy places and to repair them. 4:36

They found the Temple to be a bit of a mess.

And they saw the sanctuary desolate, and the altar profaned, and the gates burnt, and shrubs growing up in the courts as in a forest, or on the mountains, and the chambers joining to the temple thrown down. 4:38

So they did the usual things that Jews do when they get upset: they rent their garments, put ashes on their heads, and  fell on their faces.

They rent their garments ... and put ashes on their heads ...And they fell ... on their faces. 4:39-40

Then they cleaned things up at the Temple and killed some animals for God.

They made new holy vessels, and brought in the candlestick, and the altar of incense, and the table into the temple. And they put incense upon the altar, and lighted up the lamps ... And they offered sacrifice. 4:49-53

And everyone fell on their faces once again. (You just can't do that too many times.)

And all the people fell upon their faces . 4:55

When the Gentiles found out that the Jews had cleaned up the temple, they were exceedingly angry.

Now it came to pass, when the nations round about heard that the altar and the sanctuary were built up as before, that they were exceeding angry. 1 Machabees 5:1

And began to persecute and kill the Jews.

And they thought to destroy the generation of Jacob that were among them, and they began to kill some of the people, and to persecute them. 5:2

Which got Judas (and God) in a killing mood once again.

He slaughtered the children of Esau.

Judas fought against the children of Esau in Idumea, and them that were in Acrabathane ... and he made a great slaughter of them. 5:3

Burned to death the children of Bean.

He remembered the malice of the children of Bean ... And they were shut up by him in towers, and he ... burnt their towers with fire, and all that were in them. 5:4-5

And smote the children of Ammon.

Then he passed over to the children of Ammon ... and they were discomfited in their sight, and he smote them. 5:6-7

God helped Judas kill the Gentiles because God likes the Jewish people more than other people, likes the Jewish religion more than other religions, and likes Jews to kill sacrifice animals to him in the Temple.

Judas, and his brethren, and all the church of Israel decreed, that the day of the dedication of the altar should be kept in its season from year to year for eight days, from the five and twentieth day of the month of Casleu. 1 Machabees 4:59

That is what Hanukkah is all about, Charlie Brown.

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So how many did God and Judas kill?

Well, there were 5000 soldiers in Lysias' army, maybe 10,000 or so from the "great slaughter" of the children of Esau, 1000 burned children of Bean, and another 1000 of the children of Ammon -- for a grand total of 17,000 Hanukkah victims.