Quran 2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories

Allah begins this section by asking Muhammad if he'd heard the story about the resurrected soldiers. You know, the one where back in the day there were thousands of soldiers that Allah told to die and then after they died he raised them from the dead. Yeah that one.

Bethink thee (O Muhammad) of those of old, who went forth from their habitations in their thousands, fearing death, and Allah said unto them: Die; and then He brought them back to life. 2:243

They even made a movie about it.

Next Allah tells us all to fight in the way of Allah.

Fight in the way of Allah. 2:244

And asks us for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.

Who is it that will lend unto Allah a goodly loan, so that He may give it increase manifold? Allah straiteneth and enlargeth. 2:245

Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark.

Their Prophet said unto them: Lo! Allah hath raised up Saul to be a king for you. ... And their Prophet said unto them: Lo! the token of his kingdom is that there shall come unto you the ark ... the angels bearing it. Lo! herein shall be a token for you if (in truth) ye are believers. 2:247-8

And then he confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7.

And when Saul set out with the army, he said: Lo! Allah will try you by (the ordeal of) a river. Whosoever therefore drinketh thereof he is not of me, and whosoever tasteth it not he is of me, save him who taketh (thereof) in the hollow of his hand. But they drank thereof, all save a few of them. And after he had crossed (the river), he and those who believed with him, they said: We have no power this day against Goliath and his hosts. But those who knew that they would meet Allah exclaimed: How many a little company hath overcome a mighty host by Allah's leave! 2:249

And, of course, every twenty verses or so, he throws in something like this.

The disbelievers, they are the wrong-doers. 2:254

Then Allah says something nice for a change.

There is no compulsion in religion. 2:256

But in the next verse he ruins it by saying he'll torture non-Muslims forever after they die. There's no compulsion in religion, but you'll be tortured forever if you don't accept the right religion.

As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:257

Next Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, "God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west." Which totally abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah.

Bethink thee of him who had an argument with Abraham about his Lord, because Allah had given him the kingdom; how, when Abraham said: My Lord is He Who giveth life and causeth death, he answered: I give life and cause death. Abraham said: Lo! Allah causeth the sun to rise in the East, so do thou cause it to come up from the West. Thus was the disbeliever abashed. And Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. 2:258

Then Allah tells us about a guy who had been dead for 100 years that he brought back to life. That's even cooler than the Rip Van Winkle story.

Or (bethink thee of) the like of him who, passing by a township which had fallen into utter ruin, exclaimed: How shall Allah give this township life after its death ? And Allah made him die a hundred years, then brought him back to life. He said: How long hast thou tarried ? (The man) said: I have tarried a day or part of a day. (He) said: Nay, but thou hast tarried for a hundred years. Just look at thy food and drink which have not rotted! Look at thine ass! And, that We may make thee a token unto mankind, look at the bones, how We adjust them and then cover them with flesh! 2:259

But Abraham, even after hearing all of Allah's tall tales, still wasn't sure he believed. So Allah told him to put four birds on a hill and then call to them. (Here birdie, birdie!) Then when the birds come, you'll believe. Allah is mighty, wise, idiotic.

And when Abraham said (unto his Lord): My Lord! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead, He said: Dost thou not believe ? Abraham said: Yea, but (I ask) in order that my heart may be at ease. (His Lord) said: Take four of the birds and cause them to incline unto thee, then place a part of them on each hill, then call them, they will come to thee in haste, and know that Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:260

And now it's time for Allah to say something nasty again about disbelievers.

Allah guideth not the disbelieving folk. 2:264

The next 20 or so verses are too boring to comment on. But in verse 282, Allah tells us how much he thinks a woman is worth -- one half of a man.

And call two witness from among your men, two witnesses. And if two men be not at hand, then a man and two women. 2:282

And we finally come to an end of the longest surah in the Quran, where Allah asks himself (or somebody else) to "give us victory over the disbelieving folk."

Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 2:286

Good luck with that, Allah.

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Bogging the Quran

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Something Christians, Jews, and Muslims can agree on: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

As you may have heard, Michelle Obama ran into trouble Tuesday while visiting Indonesia. She shook hands with a man (actually several of them) while passing through a receiving line that greeted the president and the first lady after their arrival in Jakarta.

Here's a safe for work (unless you're in Indonesia maybe) but shocking video of the event.

So what's wrong with shaking hands with a woman, you ask?

Well nothing, unless you're a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim man. You see, it is something that all of the Great Abrahamic Faiths agree on: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

Let's start with Christianity. Can a Christian man touch a woman?

Well, here's what the guy that started it all said about it.

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Corinthians 7:1

And Paul meant what he said here, though he knew that some men just couldn't control themselves. His advice to such moral weaklings was to go ahead and get married (7:2). Still, Paul would prefer that every man be like he was: unmarried and untouched by women (7:7). And he recommended that even married people abstain from sex. (Jesus is coming soon so there's no time for sex. 7:29)

How about Jews? Is it OK for a Jewish man to touch a woman?

The question is answered in Leviticus 15.

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. .. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30

What God is trying to say here is this: menstruating women are unclean and anyone that touches them is also unclean. They're unclean as soon as they begin to menstruate and for at least seven days after that. The only way they can ever become clean again is to kill two pigeons or "turtles" (the KJV "turtles" are probably turtle doves) as sin and burnt offerings. Without the dead burned birds, though, a women who has once menstruated is unclean forever.

So a man shouldn't touch any woman between puberty and menopause unless he knows for sure that the proper burnt and sin offerings have been made after her last menstrual period. Since so few women sacrifice pigeons on the eighth day of their menstrual cycle anymore, all women of child-bearing age must be treated as unclean and, therefore, untouchable.

And what about Muslims? Can a Muslim man touch a woman?

Well, here is the only verse in the Quran that seems to address this question.

O ye who believe! When ye rise up for prayer, wash you faces, and your hands up to the elbows, and lightly rub your heads and (wash) your feet up to the ankles. And if ye are unclean, purify yourselves. And if ye are sick or on a journey, or one of you cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Allah would not place a burden on you, but He would purify you and would perfect His grace upon you, that ye may give thanks. Quran 5:6

So women are unclean and it's better not to touch them. But if you do touch a woman and you can't find any water to clean up with, just rub some dirt on yourself. That'll do it.

But Muhammad did, according to the hadith, address shaking hands with women. Here's what he supposedly said.

I do not shake hands with women.

It is better for you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle than to touch the hand of a woman who is to permissible to you.

So Christians, Jews, and Muslims agree: It is better for a man not to touch a woman. (And maybe someone should find an iron needle for that smiling Indonesian minister.)

Bryan Fischer: God's Grizzly Curse

Remember Bryan Fischer's last post about grizzly bears where he explained how God was sending bears to punish us for not following the laws of the Bible? Well he's at it again.

This time it was an article in the LA times that got him going. The article reported on the grizzly bear problem in the Yellowstone region, where two people have been killed by grizzlies in 2010. One was a botanist, the other a sleeping camper.

He starts off with this.

One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.

So, according to Bryan, since a couple people have been killed by grizzlies, every grizzly must die.

But that contradicts the Bible, doesn't it?

In 2 Kings 2:23-24, God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head.

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24

So to God, 2 bears are worth more than 42 boys.

Of course Bryan Fischer would say that the boys deserved it. Elisha cursed the little buggers in the name of the Lord and God sent bears to rip their little bodies apart.

But I'm especially confused by Bryan's closing paragraph.

God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.

If that's true, then shouldn't Bryan be on the side of God and the grizzlies? God has cursed the land (for electing Obama, helping poor people, whatever) by letting grizzlies loose on everybody (especially people in the Yellowstone region). God has an orgasm every time a botanist, camper, or "Go up thou bald head" boy is killed by a grizzly. Why doesn’t Mr. Fischer share in God’s pleasure?

1 Nephi 17: The Trip to Bountiful

Up to now, Nephi and company have just been camping out in the wilderness, going on little side trips from time to time. First they traveled from "the land of Jerusalem" to the shore of the Red Sea, a distance of at least 400 km. Then Nephi and his brothers made the return trip Jerusalem twice: first to get Lehi's brass plates and again to get some women. And in the last chapter, God gave Nephi a magic ball that pointed in the direction that God wanted him to go and even told Nephi where to kill wild beasts. All this happened within in single year: 600 BCE.

Now it was time for some serious traveling.

They began by heading east into the wilderness, across the Arabian peninsula.

And it came to pass that we did again take our journey in the wilderness; and we did travel nearly eastward from that time forth. 1 Nephi 17:1a

They waded through much affliction and their nameless women bore children in the wilderness.

And we did travel and wade through much affliction in the wilderness; and our women did bear children in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 17:1b

God fed them raw meat, their women gave plenty of suck, and the children grew up quickly, becoming as strong as men during the eight year journey.

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. ... And we did sojourn for the space of many years, yea, even eight years in the wilderness. 1 Nephi 17:2-4

After eight years of wading through affliction, eating raw meat, and getting plenty of suck, they arrived at a land they called Bountiful (because of its much fruit and also wild honey). And they saw the sea which they called Irreantum (which being interpreted means nothing at all).

And we did come to the land which we called Bountiful, because of its much fruit and also wild honey; and all these things were prepared of the Lord that we might not perish. And we beheld the sea, which we called Irreantum, which, being interpreted, is many waters. 1 Nephi 17:5

Then it came to pass after a space of many days that he, Nephi, heard the voice of the Lord, saying, "Arise, get thee into the mountain." So Nephi got into the mountain and cried unto the Lord.

And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been in the land of Bountiful for the space of many days, the voice of the Lord came unto me, saying: Arise, and get thee into the mountain. And it came to pass that I arose and went up into the mountain, and cried unto the Lord. 1 Nephi 17:7

While Nephi was crying on the mountain top, God told him to build a ship.

And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto me, saying: Thou shalt construct a ship, after the manner which I shall show thee, that I may carry thy people across these waters. 1 Nephi 17:8

Nephi asked God where he would find the ore to make the metal to make the tools to make the ship.

And I said: Lord, whither shall I go that I may find ore to molten, that I may make tools to construct the ship after the manner which thou hast shown unto me? 1 Nephi 17:9

But it was no big deal. God showed Nephi where to find the ore to make the tools.

And it came to pass that the Lord told me whither I should go to find ore, that I might make tools. 1 Nephi 17:10

Nephi made a bellows from the skin of beasts so he could blow on a fire, which he made by striking two stones together.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make a bellows wherewith to blow the fire, of the skins of beasts; and after I had made a bellows, that I might have wherewith to blow the fire, I did smite two stones together that I might make fire. 1 Nephi 17:11

Up to this time, you see, Nephi et al had no fire as they journeyed through the wilderness. They ate raw meat, which God sweetened for them.

For the Lord had not hitherto suffered that we should make much fire, as we journeyed in the wilderness; for he said: I will make thy food become sweet, that ye cook it not; 1 Nephi 17:12

So Nephi was pretty much all set. God showed Nephi where to mine the ore, from which he made ship-building tools using his trusty beast-skin bellows and striking stones.

And it came to pass that I did make tools of the ore which I did molten out of the rock. 1 Nephi 17:16

But when Nephi's brothers saw what he was doing they began to murmur against him.

And when my brethren saw that I was about to build a ship, they began to murmur against me, saying: Our brother is a fool, for he thinketh that he can build a ship; yea, and he also thinketh that he can cross these great waters. 1 Nephi 17:17

Whereupon Nephi began a long, boring 1000-word sermon. Among many other things (that I'm going to skip) he told his brothers that God straitens murmurers by sending fiery flying serpents to bite and kill them.

The Lord straitened them because of their iniquity. He sent fiery flying serpents among them. 1 Nephi 17:41

Then Nephi reminded them about stuff they'd already seen on the trip: talking angels from time to time that sometimes whispered and sometimes screamed so loudly that the earth shook.

Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words; wherefore, he has spoken unto you like unto the voice of thunder, which did cause the earth to shake as if it were to divide asunder. 1 Nephi 17:45

But Nephi's brothers were tired of Nephi and his screaming angels. So they tried to throw him into the sea. It didn't work, though, because Nephi he was filled with the power of God even to the consuming of his flesh and whoever touched him would wither like a dried reed.

And now it came to pass that when I had spoken these words, they were angry with me, and were desirous to throw me into the depths of the sea; and as they came forth to lay their hands upon me I spake unto them, saying: In the name of the Almighty God, I command you that ye touch me not, for I am filled with the power of God, even unto the consuming of my flesh; and whoso shall lay his hands upon me shall wither even as a dried reed; and he shall be as naught before the power of God, for God shall smite him. 1 Nephi 17:48

Nephi kept talking on and on about many things to his brothers. Finally Nephi's brothers gave up and durst not touch Nephi with their fingers for the space of many days.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said many things unto my brethren, insomuch that they were confounded and could not contend against me; neither durst they lay their hands upon me nor touch me with their fingers, even for the space of many days. Now they durst not do this lest they should wither before me, so powerful was the Spirit of God; and thus it had wrought upon them. 1 Nephi 17:52

Still, God wasn't completely satisfied. He decided not to wither Nephi's brothers like dried reeds, but to shock the hell out of them instead. Just to show off a bit.

And it came to pass that the Lord said unto me: Stretch forth thine hand again unto thy brethren, and they shall not wither before thee, but I will shock them, saith the Lord, and this will I do, that they may know that I am the Lord their God. 1 Nephi 17:53

And it came to pass that Nephi stretched forth his hand to his brethren and they didn't wither, but the Lord did shake them, just like he said that he would.

And it came to pass that I stretched forth my hand unto my brethren, and they did not wither before me; but the Lord did shake them, even according to the word which he had spoken. 1 Nephi 17:54

And that did the trick. After God shocked Nephi's brothers they knew of a surety that God was with Nephi. They even wanted to worship Nephi, but Nephi told them not to, saying, "Oh My Heck, you guys, I'm just your younger brother."

And now, they said: We know of a surety that the Lord is with thee, for we know that it is the power of the Lord that has shaken us. And they fell down before me, and were about to worship me, but I would not suffer them, saying: I am thy brother, yea, even thy younger brother. 1 Nephi 17:55

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 1 Nephi 18: Nephi discovers America

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Jeroboam's family

The reason for this killing was the same as the last: God disliked Jeroboam (he was the worst person in the world) so he killed his son.

Now he's back for the rest of the family.

I think God may have gotten a bit carried away with this one, though. Remember how he told Jeroboam's wife that he was going to kill everyone in the house of Jeroboam "that pisseth against the wall"?

Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam   him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14.10

Well, usually "wall pissers" are taken to be males, but apparently God killed the entire family, including females.

God didn't do the killing himself, though, this time. He had Baasha do it for him. First Baasha killed Jeroboam's son Nadab, who became king of Israel after Jeroboam died. (Nadab was completely evil, too, just like his dad.)

Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin … and Baasha smote him ... and reigned in his stead. 15.25-28

Then God had Baasha kill Jeroboam's entire family, wall pissers and non wall pissers, alike. “He smote … any that breathed … according unto the saying of the Lord.”

He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite: Because of the sins of Jeroboam which he sinned, and which he made Israel sin, by his provocation wherewith he provoked the LORD God of Israel to anger. 15.29-30

The Bible doesn't say whether or not the bodies of the dead family were treated like shit, as God said they would be.

Behold, I … will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10

Or whether God fed their remains to the dogs and the birds, as he said he would.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11

But I suppose that's what happened. God wouldn't lie about a thing like that. Would he?

The text doesn't say how many were killed in this killing, so I'll just say 10.

God's next killing: Baasha's family and friends