The section begins in the usual way. Allah repeats his threats and curses for non-believers, as he does throughout the Quran. Believe whatever Allah revealed to Muhammad or Allah torture you forever after you die.
Lo! Those who hide the proofs and the guidance which We revealed, after We had made it clear to mankind in the Scripture: such are accursed of Allah and accursed of those who have the power to curse. 2:159
This verse is a bit different than most, though. Allah will curse those who "hide the proofs and the guidance" that he revealed. But how can you hide things that don't exist? There are no proofs anywhere in the Quran and whatever guidance is there is almost always bad.
But it gives me an idea, though. Maybe instead of a "Burn the Quran Day" we should have a "Hide the Quran Day." Put it where the sun doesn't shine.
In any case, since I do my best to expose the Quran for the vicious bullshit that it is, I suppose verse 159 would apply to me. But verses 161-2 apply to everyone who disbelieves in the Quran, for whatever reason. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.
So every good Muslim man must join Allah and the angels in cursing nonbelievers.
Lo! Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They ever dwell therein. The doom will not be lightened for them, neither will they be reprieved. 2:161-2
Whoever hides the Quran will get fire in his belly. (So that's where I got the fire in my belly!) And after they die they will get that painful doom that Allah is always promising in the Quran. "How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire!"
Lo! those who hide aught of the Scripture which Allah hath revealed and purchase a small gain therewith, they eat into their bellies nothing else than fire. ... Theirs will be a painful doom. Those are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, and torment at the price of pardon. How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire! 2:174-5
Yeah, that's right Allah. We unbelievers are just begging to have our skins burned off repeatedly after we die. It's about all we ever think about.
After Allah curses and threatens the unbelievers, he calls them names, like deaf, dumb, blind, and senseless.
The likeness of those who disbelieve (in relation to the messenger) is as the likeness of one who calleth unto that which heareth naught except a shout and cry. Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.2:171
Then Allah gets tired of cursing, threatening, and name-calling, and he gets down to some more practical matters. Don't eat carrion, blood, pork, or animals that have been sacrificed to other gods.
He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. 2:173
And then he says something nice for a change.
Giveth wealth ... to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free ... and payeth the poor-due. 2:177
"Set the slaves free." Does this mean that slavery is forbidden in the Quran? Don't ask me, I'm just one of those deaf, dumb, blind, senseless, and cursed unbelievers.
But I guess not. The next verse answers the question.
O ye who believe! Retaliation is prescribed for you in the matter of the murdered; the freeman for the freeman, and the slave for the slave, and the female for the female. ... He who transgresseth after this will have a painful doom. 2:178
If someone murders your slave, then you get to kill one of his. If it was a male that was killed, you kill one of the killer's male slaves. If a female, you kill a female. Murder for murder. Slave for slave. It all works out swell with Allah's wondrous rules. (Oh, and if you don't follow them, you'll have the usual painful doom.)
And there is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)
And there is life for you in retaliation, O men of understanding, that ye may ward off (evil). 2:179
The Republicans should like the next verse, though. It forbids what Tea Baggers they like to call the "death tax." So when rich Muslims die, they must leave all of their wealth to their families.
It is prescribed for you, when death approacheth one of you, if he leave wealth, that he bequeath unto parents and near relatives in kindness. (This is) a duty for all those who ward off (evil). 2:180
The section ends with rules for fasting and Ramadan, which are too boring to go through. But all Muslims must follow them "to ward off evil."
The good news is that it's OK to have sex with your wives during Ramadan (at least after sunset). In fact you must "hold intercourse with them." All of them. It is your sacred Muslim duty.
It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. ... So hold intercourse with them. 2:87