28 December 2010

1 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood

Joseph Smith Nephi must have been getting tired of writing. Why else would he copy two chapters nearly verbatim from the King James Version of the Bible?

I suspect that the answer is much like Bill Clinton's answer to the question, "Why did you have sex with Monica Lewinsky?"

Because he could.

Except that in Nephi's case he couldn't, could he? How could Nephi copy from a book that didn't exist at the time and wouldn't exist for another 2200 years or so?

Well, it's complicated, but I think it goes something like this.

Nephi was copying from the plates of Lehi -- the plates that he had to go back to Jerusalem to get by murdering Laban. Lehi's plates were written in Reformed Egyptian (it's a lot like Pig Latin) and these plates contained the writings of the Old Testament prophets, including Isaiah. So Nephi just copied Isaiah 48 and 49 in reformed Egyptian onto his plates, making them chapters 20 and 21 of First Nephi.

I know what you're thinking.

Why are chapters 20 and 21 of 1 Nephi nearly identical to Isaiah 48 and 49 in the King James Version of the Bible? Well, silly, that's because Joseph Smith translated them, along with the rest of the Book of Mormon, into English from the Reformed Egyptian. And the Bible that Joseph Smith was familiar with was the King James Bible, so he naturally modeled his translation after that.

Now some of you smart asses out there are going to say something like this: How could the plates of Lehi include Isaiah 48 and 49 since these chapters are a part of Deutero-Isaiah, which wasn't written until after the Babylonian exile, 70 years or so after 1 Nephi was supposedly written?

And the answer to that is this: the same God who revealed Isaiah to Isaiah (or to whoever wrote Deutero-Isaiah) revealed the same stuff to whoever wrote the plates of Lehi. It's as simple as that.

As you read 1 Nephi 20 and 21, though, you'll notice something strange: If you compare it to the KJV's Isaiah 48 and 49, the text is nearly identical, but some of the words have been changed.

For example, here is 1 Nephi 20:1.

Hearken and hear this, O house of Jacob, who are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, or out of the waters of baptism, who swear by the name of the Lord, and make mention of the God of Israel, yet they swear not in truth nor in righteousness. 1 Nephi 20:1

And here is the corresponding verse from the King James Version of Isaiah 48.

Hear ye this, O house of Jacob, which are called by the name of Israel, and are come forth out of the waters of Judah, which swear by the name of the LORD, and make mention of the God of Israel, but not in truth, nor in righteousness. Isaiah 48:1

So now you'll probably want to know why there are differences.

Well, remember how Satan's church (the Catholic church) took away the plain and precious parts of the Bible? Nephi is restoring Isaiah to it's plain and precious state before it was fucked up by the Catholics. (I guess God was being proactive, retroactive, preemptive, or something, since 1 Nephi was written about 600 years before Jesus and/or Satan founded the Catholic church.)

And now some of you will probably ask how Isaiah (or the author of Deutero-Isaiah) could have included "out of the waters of baptism" since baptism was totally unknown in Old Testament times. And the answer, of course, is that God told him about baptism nearly 600 before it existed.

OK, so are we all clear now on how Isaiah 48 and 49 ended up in 1 Nephi 20 and 21, and why it is nearly (but not quite) identical to the King James Version of the Bible?

Good. Let's get on to more important matters -- like why God included these chapters in the Book of Mormon in the first place.

The short answer to that question is this: No one has any idea. Except that, as Joseph Smith Nephi explains later, Nephi's "soul delighteth" in the words of Isaiah.

And when you take a look at the last verse that he quotes from Isaiah, you can get an idea of what Nephi finds so delightful.

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine. 1 Nephi 21:26

But you'll have to wait until the next exciting episode to find out why Nephi is so delighted by this verse.


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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 22: Someday Catholics will get drunk on their own blood

22 December 2010

Surah 4: 1-34 Woe to the Women

Surah 4 begins by repeating one of the first lies of Genesis. God created a man first, then a woman from the man, and all humans descended from them.

Your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. 4:1

Then Allah says something nice: don't steal from orphans or exchange the good for the bad.

Give unto orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. Lo! that would be a great sin. 4:2

If you mistreat orphans, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire. Fair is fair.

Those who devour the wealth of orphans wrongfully, they do but swallow fire into their bellies, and they will be exposed to burning flame. 4:10

Of course there are lots of other things that Allah will burn you forever for. Like disobeying him or his messenger Mo.

Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where he will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom. 4:14

Or killing people through injustice or aggression.

Kill not one another ... Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice, we shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:29-30

Or behaving badly without repenting until nearly dead, or dying while disbelieving.

The forgiveness is not for those who do ill-deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. 4:18

Next Allah lays down the law on inheritance.

The first part is clear enough. Females get half as much as males.

Allah chargeth you concerning (the provision for) your children: to the male the equivalent of the portion of two females... 4:11a

But things get confusing after that.

...and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.And to each of his parents a sixth of the inheritance, if he have a son; and if he have no son and his parents are his heirs, then to his mother appertaineth the third; and if he have brethren, then to his mother appertaineth the sixth, after any legacy he may have bequeathed, or debt (hath been paid). Your parents and your children: Ye know not which of them is nearer unto you in usefulness. It is an injunction from Allah. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.

And unto you belongeth a half of that which your wives leave, if they have no child; but if they have a child then unto you the fourth of that which they leave, afte r any legacy they may have bequeathed, or debt (they ma y have contracted, hath been paid). And unto them belon geth the fourth of that which ye leave if ye have no ch ild, but if ye have a child then the eighth of that whi ch ye leave, after any legacy ye may have bequeathed, o r debt (ye may have contracted, hath been paid). And if a man or a woman have a distant heir (having left neit her parent nor child), and he (or she) have a brother o r a sister (only on the mother's side) then to each of them twain (the brother and the sister) the sixth, and if they be more than two, then they shall be sharers in the third, after any legacy that may have been bequeat hed or debt (contracted) not injuring (the heirs by wil ling away more than a third of the heritage) hath been 4:11b-12

None of that makes sense to me, but here's a link that explains it all for you.

But the focus of this Surah is, as its title suggests, on women.

Allah explains that it's OK to have two, three, or four wives, slave or free. Whatever.

Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. 4:3

And if you can't afford to marry free Muslims women, go ahead and marry slaves, as long as they're Muslims.

Whoso is not able to afford to marry free, believing women, let them marry from the believing maids whom your right hands possess. 4:25a

But don't worry too much about it. If you decide you don't like some of your wives you can always exchange them for others.

And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another.... 4:20

Be careful, though, not to marry any women that are already married -- unless they're slaves that you obtained in war. Then it's OK.

All married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. 4:24

If any of your non-slave wives get lewd, cut off their inheritance and confine them to the house until they die.

It is not lawful for you forcibly to ... take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. 4:19
As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness ... confine them to the houses until death take them. 4:15

If your slave wives are guilty of lewdness, punish them half as much as you punish your lewd free wives.

If when they are honourably married they commit lewdness they shall incur the half of the punishment (prescribed) for free women. 4:25b

Always remember that men are better than women because Allah made them that way and men spend lots of money on women.

Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). 4:34a

So good women are obedient to men, guarding the secret that Allah gave to them.

So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. 4:34b

If your wives refuse to obey you, beat them and refuse to have sex with them.

As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. 4:34c

That'll teach them.

18 December 2010

The LDS church is embarrassed by its own book

The Mormons did it again. They changed the Book of Mormon to make it a bit less embarrassing.

To see this best, though, you need to go get your Book of Mormon. I know you've got one somewhere. I'll wait.

OK, good. You found it.

Now check out the last sentence of the second paragraph of the official "Introduction" (assuming you got yours before November 2007).

After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are the principal ancestors of the Native Americans.

And here it is after the change.

After thousands of years, all were destroyed except the Lamanites, and they are among the ancestors of the Native Americans.

See the difference? The Lamanites went from "the principal ancestors" of the American Indians to being "among the ancestors."

If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, you're not a Mormon. Because until 2007 the LDS church taught and every Mormon believed that the Lamanites were the (principal and only) ancestors of the Native Americans.

But then in 2007, the LDS church demoted the Lamanites to "among" status because it became too embarrassing to claim otherwise.

Now the LDS church is removing the racist language from two of its official introductions to chapters of the Book of Mormon.

Once again, get out your silly blue book and read the introduction to 2 Nephi 5.

The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple -- Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010

And here is the new 2010 cleaned up version.

The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cut off from the presence of the Lord, are cursed, and become a scourge unto the Nephites. About 588–559 B.C. 2 Nephi 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010

In the original, God cursed the Lamanites for their unbelief by turning their skin black; in the new, improved version, God just curses them, with no mention skin color.

And here is the original introduction to Mormon 5:

Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage--The Book of Mormon shall come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ--The Lamanites shall be a dark, filthy, and loathsome people--They shall receive the gospel from the Gentiles in latter days. Mormon 5 Introduction, before December 17, 2010
And here's the new version.
Mormon again leads the Nephite armies in battles of blood and carnage—The Book of Mormon will come forth to convince all Israel that Jesus is the Christ—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites will be scattered, and the Spirit will cease to strive with them—They will receive the gospel from the Gentiles in the latter days. About A.D. 375–84. Mormon 5 Introduction, after December 17, 2010

The new introduction to Mormon 5 deletes the part about the Lamanites being "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people" and instead says that they'll be scattered and "the Spirit will cease to strive with them."

The LDS church made these changes because it's embarrassed by the obvious racism in the Book of Mormon, as well it should be. And yet the original introductions to 2 Nephi 5 and Mormon 5 were completely accurate.

Here's what it says in 2 Nephi 5. (They haven't had the courage to to change it -- yet.)

He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23

And here's a quote from Mormon 5.

This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18

The Book of Mormon is as absurd as it is disgusting. It's good to see that the Mormons are finally recognizing that fact.

I wonder what they'll change next.

14 December 2010

1 Nephi 19: Zenos' Paradox

It's hard to keep track of all the plates in the Book of Mormon.

Remember the the plates of Lehi? You know, the ones that Lehi forgot when he left Jerusalem, so he had to send his sons back get them? Lehi's plates were so important to God that he sent an angel to force Nephi to decapitate an unconscious man so he could steal his plates.

Then came the plates of Nephi: two separate sets of plates, actually, both confusingly named by Nephi "the plates of Nephi." One for "the more part of the ministry" and the other "for the more part of the reign of the kings and the wars and contentions."

And now, in chapter 19, God tells Nephi to make another set. I guess you just can't have too many plates.

And it came to pass that the Lord commanded me, wherefore I did make plates of ore that I might engraven upon them the record of my people. And upon the plates which I made I did engraven the record of my father, and also our journeyings in the wilderness, and the prophecies of my father; and also many of mine own prophecies have I engraven upon them. 1 Nephi 19:1

On his third set of plates, Nephi only included the "more plain and precious" stuff, leaving out any unnecessary words, as you'd expect from someone engraving on plates of ore.

And I knew not at the time when I made them that I should be commanded of the Lord to make these plates; wherefore, the record of my father, and the genealogy of his fathers, and the more part of all our proceedings in the wilderness are engraven upon those first plates of which I have spoken; wherefore, the things which transpired before I made these plates are, of a truth, more particularly made mention upon the first plates. And after I had made these plates by way of commandment, I, Nephi, received a commandment that the ministry and the prophecies, the more plain and precious parts of them, should be written upon these plates; and that the things which were written should be kept for the instruction of my people, who should possess the land, and also for other wise purposes, which purposes are known unto the Lord. Wherefore, I, Nephi, did make a record upon the other plates, which gives an account, or which gives a greater account of the wars and contentions and destructions of my people. And this have I done, and commanded my people what they should do after I was gone; and that these plates should be handed down from one generation to another, or from one prophet to another, until further commandments of the Lord. And an account of my making these plates shall be given hereafter; and then, behold, I proceed according to that which I have spoken; and this I do that the more sacred things may be kept for the knowledge of my people. 1 Nephi 19:2-5

Nephi didn't write anything on the plates unless it was sacred.

Nevertheless, I do not write anything upon plates save it be that I think it be sacred. 1 Nephi 19:6a

But he admits that he might have made some mistakes, like the guys who wrote the Bible did. Not that he's making any excuses, of course.

And now, if I do err, even did they err of old; not that I would excuse myself because of other men, but because of the weakness which is in me, according to the flesh, I would excuse myself. 1 Nephi 19:6b

Then Nephi starts in again with prophecy, repeating the same stuff he's already told us several times before. (1 Nephi 10:4, 11:18, 13:40)

Jesus will be born 600 years after Lehi and his family left Jerusalem (and 592 years after Nephi wrote the prophecy down in his little brass book.)

And behold he cometh, according to the words of the angel, in six hundred years from the time my father left Jerusalem. 1 Nephi 19:8

But at least he does throw in a few new names. Zenock, Neum, and Zenos -- Old Testament prophets whose writings were removed by that great and abominable church founded by the devil. (You know, the Catholics.)

Anyway, Zenock, Neum, and Zenos knew all about Jesus. He'd be crucified, buried in a sepulchre, and after his death, there'd be three days of darkness.

And the God of our fathers, who were led out of Egypt, out of bondage, and also were preserved in the wilderness by him, yea, the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, yieldeth himself, according to the words of the angel, as a man, into the hands of wicked men, to be lifted up, according to the words of Zenock, and to be crucified, according to the words of Neum, and to be buried in a sepulchre, according to the words of Zenos, which he spake concerning the three days of darkness, which should be a sign given of his death unto those who should inhabit the isles of the sea, more especially given unto those who are of the house of Israel. 1 Nephi 19:10

Three days of darkness? Yeah, that's what Zenos prophesied. The entire earth would be completely dark for three days after Jesus' death (See 3 Nephi 8:20-22 and Helaman 14:27 for the exciting details), as a sign to Lehi's descendants in "the isles of the sea" (the Lamanites in America and Polynesia).

Of course that's not what the Bible says. Matthew, Mark, and Luke say it was dark for three hours just before Jesus died. (It's one of the few things those three guys agree on.) But that's because the evil Catholics changed the plain and precious shit in the Bible.

Zenos prophesied further that mountains would be carried away after Jesus died, along with lots of other nutty stuff. (See 3 Nephi 8 where cities sunk, mountains were moved and dumped upon cities, etc.)

For thus spake the prophet: The Lord God surely shall visit ... others with the thunderings and the lightnings of his power, by tempest, by fire, and by smoke, and vapor of darkness, and by the opening of the earth, and by mountains which shall be carried up. And all these things must surely come, saith the prophet Zenos. And the rocks of the earth must rend; and because of the groanings of the earth, many of the kings of the isles of the sea shall be wrought upon by the Spirit of God, to exclaim: The God of nature suffers. 1 Nephi 19:11-12

Then Zenos explains how all kinds of bad stuff would happen to the Jews because they "crucify the God of Israel." They'd be hated by all nations, wander in the flesh, etc.

And as for those who are at Jerusalem, saith the prophet, they shall be scourged by all people, because they crucify the God of Israel, and turn their hearts aside, rejecting signs and wonders, and the power and glory of the God of Israel. And because they turn their hearts aside, saith the prophet, and have despised the Holy One of Israel, they shall wander in the flesh, and perish, and become a hiss and a byword, and be hated among all nations. 1 Nephi 19:13-14

And finally, after blathering on about nothing for a few verses, Nephi says he's going to swipe a couple of chapters from the book of Isaiah as a bit of filler for his plates of brass.

Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, did teach my brethren these things; And it came to pass that I did read many things to them, which were engraven upon the plates of brass ... I did read unto them that which was written by the prophet Isaiah. 1 Nephi 19:22-23

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Next episode -- 1 Nephi 20-21: I will feed them with their own flesh; they shall be drunken with their own blood

12 December 2010

Surah 3 -- Allah is the best of schemers

The last surah (2) took eleven posts over a period of five months. Even considering its length (286 verses), that's just too darned long. At that rate, it'd take me about nine years to finish blogging the Quran. So I'm going to speed things up a bit.

That's not that hard to do, at least with Surah 3. It, too, is long (200 verses), but it doesn't have much to say. And what it does say, it says over and over again.

So I just went through the whole thing and grouped the interesting verses into categories. Here's what I came up with.

Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.

He it is Who hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture wherein are clear revelations - they are the substance of the Book - and others (which are) allegorical. But those in whose hearts is doubt pursue, forsooth, that which is allegorical seeking (to cause) dissension by seeking to explain it. None knoweth its explanation save Allah. 3:7

Take 3:13, for example, an allegorical scripture if there ever was one.

Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly, with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.)

There was a token for you in two hosts which met: one army fighting in the way of Allah, and another disbelieving, whom they saw as twice their number, clearly, with their very eyes. Thus Allah strengtheneth with His succour whom He will. Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes. 3:13

But Allah doesn't use allegory when he tells us how he feels about people. He has a simple rule that he always follows: he likes Muslims and hates everyone else.

Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him.

Ye are the best community that hath been raised up for mankind. Ye enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency; and ye believe in Allah. And if the People of the Scripture had believed it had been better for them. Some of them are believers; but most of them are evil-livers. 3:110

Still, he likes some Muslims more than others.

Allah preferred Adam and Noah and the Family of Abraham and the Family of 'Imran above (all His) creatures. They were descendants one of another. Allah is Hearer, Knower. 3:33-34

And he absolutely hates non-Muslims.

Allah loveth not the disbelievers. 3:32

Some day he'll even color-code the living dead by whitening the faces of Muslims and blackening the faces of non-Muslims.

On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief ? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved. 3:106

While they are alive, Allah will terrorize the non-Muslims.

We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151

And after they die, he'll torment them forever by burning their resurrected bodies.

Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom. 3:4
Those who disbelieve ... will be fuel for Fire. 3:10
Those who disbelieve ... shall be ... gathered unto Hell. 3:12
Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning. 3:19
Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21
They say: The Fire will not touch us save for a certain number of days. That which they used to invent hath deceived them regarding their religion. 3:24
As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers. 3:56
Whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. 3:85
Those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief ... Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers. 3:91
Those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, 3:105
Those who disbelieve ... are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 3:116
And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers. 3:131
Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. 3:177
Those who disbelieve ... We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom. 3:178

But there is one group of people that Allah hates even more than non-Muslims (if such a thing is possible): Muslim apostates. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.

People who disbelieved after their belief ... on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved. 3:86-88

So don't be friends with non-Muslims.

Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. 3:28
O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. 3:118

Don't obey them.

O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers. 3:149

Or believe anything they say.

Believe not save in one who followeth your religion. 3:73

But ask Allah to help you defeat them.

Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 3:147

Because Muslims can beat non-Muslims any day of the week.

Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers. 3:139

And only Muslim chicken-shits are inspired by Satan.

Lo! those of you who turned back on the day when the two hosts met, Satan alone it was who caused them to backslide 3:155

So don't worry about dying in a holy war against non-Muslims.

Though ye be slain in Allah's way or die therein? Surely pardon from Allah and mercy are better than all that they amass. 3:157

Because Muslim holy war soldiers never die, they just hang out in nice gardens with pure companions.

For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. 3:15
Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead. Nay, they are living ... Jubilant (are they) ... rejoicing ... neither shall they grieve. 3:169-170
Those who ... were slain, verily I shall remit their evil deeds from them and verily I shall bring them into Gardens underneath which rivers flow. 3:195

And then there are a few strange stories and tiny tidbits that Allah wants to share with you.

There's the one about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.

Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. 3:49

And this good advice for believers of all religions.

Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge? 3:66

And finally, my favorite verse in Surah 3: "Allah is the best of all schemers."

And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers. 3:54

10 December 2010

07 December 2010

You KNOW it's a Myth

And I think most people really do know that. They just won't admit it.

Or as Stephen Colbert put it:

A myth? What part of three kings following a star through a desert to bring presents to an immaculately conceived baby god they dreamed about seems like a myth to you?
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05 December 2010

Five Golden Hemorrhoids: A Biblically Correct Version of The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

A Goddamned Fruitless Fig Tree

And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. And his disciples heard it. ... And in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. Mark 11:13-20

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Two hundred foreskins

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David. 1 Samuel 18:25-28

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Three naked years

At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder. Isaiah 20:2-3

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Four-footed fowls

All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Five golden hemorrhoids

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land ... And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. 1 Samuel 6:4-11

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Six-winged beasts

And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes. Revelation 4:8

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Seven bloody sprinkles

The priest shall dip his finger in the blood, and sprinkle of the blood seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:6, 4:17
And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times. Leviticus 14:50-51
And he shall take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it with his finger upon the mercy seat ... seven times. Leviticus 16:14
And he shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times. Leviticus 16:19

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Eight bodies burning

But the fearful (1), and unbelieving (2), and the abominable (3), and murderers (4), and whoremongers (5), and sorcerers (6), and idolaters (7), and all liars (8), shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

A nine cubit bed

Only Og king of Bashan remained of the remnant of giants; behold his bedstead ... nine cubits was the length thereof. Deuteronomy 3:11

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

The tenth plague of Egypt

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12:29-30

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Eleven hardened hearts

  1. And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:11

  2. And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt. Exodus 7:3

  3. And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Exodus 7:13

  4. And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh, and he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had spoken unto Moses. Exodus 9:12

  5. And the LORD said unto Moses, Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him: Exodus 10:1

  6. But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go.Exodus 10:20

  7. But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let them go.Exodus 10:27

  8. And Moses and Aaron did all these wonders before Pharaoh: and the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, so that he would not let the children of Israel go out of his land. Exodus 11:10

  9. And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. Exodus 14:4

  10. And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued after the children of Israel Exodus 14:8

  11. I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour.Exodus 14:17

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Twelve concubine pieces

So the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go. Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was ... and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold. And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place. And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:25-29