Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

When I was a believer, I was always puzzled by the phrase "He descended into hell" in the Apostles' Creed. It just seemed strange to me. What was a nice guy like Jesus doing in a place like that?

But I guess Jesus did some time in hell; it says so right in the Bible.

He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

Luckily he took some really cool pictures.

Here's a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


And here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


Jesus, in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Another photo of Jesus hanging out with Adam and Eve.


The sermon from hell.


And here's Jesus Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

That they all may be one: John 17 and the futility of prayer

Jesus didn't pray much in the gospels, but in John 17, he really got carried away.

He goes on and on for 24 verses, asking his father to glorify him with the same glory that he had back before the universe was created.

These words spake Jesus, and lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, Father, the hour is come; glorify thy Son ... And now, O Father, glorify thou me ... with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. John 17:1-5

It's pretty boring stuff, until he says this:

Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word;

That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.  John 17:20-23

From which we can conclude two things:

1. Nothing fails like prayer (even when Jesus does the praying), and
   
2. God didn't send Jesus.

Forget Easter: Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead!

The Harrowing of Hell

Now that Jesus is dead (they killed him in the Philippines earlier today), we can celebrate what happened after he died.

Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

Most Christians (well, Protestants, anyway) don't know this, but Jesus went directly to hell after he died.

Really, he did. It says so in the Bible.

He [David] seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

The above quote is from the speech that Peter gave on the day of Pentecost -- you know, the day that believers spoke in languages they didn't understand and acted like they were drunk.

So it must be true. (If you can't trust a drunken Pentecostal preacher who was also the first pope, whom can you trust?)

There are a couple of other references to Jesus's day in hell by someone who claimed to be Peter, but wasn't. Here's what the forger of 1 Peter said about it.

Christ ... went and preached unto the spirits in prison. 1 Peter 3:19

For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead. 1 Peter 4:6

So Jesus preached the gospel to the dead people "in prison" -- that is, to the people in hell.

And then there's this from Ephesians (another forgery, this time attributed to Paul).

Christ ... descended first into the lower parts of the earth.  He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things. Ephesians 4:7-9

So Jesus descended "into the lower parts of the earth" -- which, as we all know, is where hell is. 

Of course, Catholics know all this. They are reminded every time they attend mass or say the rosary, because it's right there in The Apostles' Creed.

I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell....

So get out and celebrate Jesus's descent into hell. 

Here are some pictures that Jesus took during his visit to inspire you.

The first is a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


Here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


And here's Jesus in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Here's Jesus delivering the sermon from hell.


And here he is Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

So to hell with Easter. Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead.

Jesus H. Christ: Does anyone know his name?

The answer to that question is "No", according to the Bible anyway. 

His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. Revelation 19:12

So although we know what Jesus looks like (he has flaming red eyes and wears many crowns on this head -- you'll know him when you see him), we don't know his name. No one does.

Except for those that do, that is.

Like his foster father, Joseph, who named him Jesus. (An angel told him what to name him in a dream.)

The angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS. Matthew 1:21

And Matthew (misinterpreting Isaiah), who said he'd be named Emmanuel.

A virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel. Matthew 1:23 

Remember how the book of Revelation said that nobody knows Jesus' name? Well, I guess the author didn't include himself. Here are some of his favorite names for Jesus.

I am Alpha and Omega. Revelation 1:8

Behold, the Lion of the tribe of Juda, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof. Revelation 5:5

I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation 19:11

He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. Revelation 9:13

He hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:16 (What does Jesus have written on his testicles?)

I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star. Revelation 22:16 (How are Jesus and Satan alike?)

So Jesus, contrary to Revelation 19:12, has lots of names. And I have another contradiction to add to the SAB. (Here it is.)

(ht Stephen Weeks)

Three more ways that Muhammad is better than Jesus

In a previous post, I discussed the important question: who had the most powerful spit, Jesus or Muhammad?

But what about the other characteristics of Jesus and Mo?

Well, here are three more ways that the founders of the two largest religions can be compared. (Information about Muhammad is from the Ash-Shifa.)

1. Mo had pure women ancestors all the way back to Eve. 
   
   From the time of Prophet Adam … there was neither an adulterer nor fornicator in the lineage of the Prophet, all were officially married. p.13
   
   A line of no less than five hundred female ancestors of the Prophet ... He too verified that none had fornicated. p.13
   
   Jesus didn't. (His 47th or so great grandfather was the son of a prostitute.)
   
   It was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. ... When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he said ... let me come in unto thee ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And  twins were in her womb. ... Pharez and Zarah. Genesis 38.13-28
   
   Jesus ... being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was the son of Heli ... [46 or so generations] ... which was the son of Phares. Luke 3.33
   
   

   

   Judas and Tamar (the mother of Pharez)

   
   
2. Mo was born already circumcised. 
   
   When the Prophet … was born he was already circumcised and his umbilical cord cut. … He was clean when he was born. p.46
   
   Jesus wasn't. 
   
   When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS.  Luke 2:21
   
   

   

   The circumcision of Jesus

   
   
3. Mo was endowed with the sexual power of forty men and had sex with all of his wives every night. 
   
   There is, however, an extra virtue the satisfaction of satisfying a wife's need. The Prophet … was given an abundance of this ability and would visit all of his wives in the same hour. Anas and his companions concluded that he had been given the power of thirty men. p.56
   
   In the matter of sexual intercourse, the Prophet was endowed with the power of forty men. After having visited each wife he would take a purification bath before going to the next and said, "This is better and purer." p.56
   
   Jesus never married (although he plans to get married someday) and had sex with no one. 
   
    The marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. Revelation 19:7
   
   And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb's wife. Revelation 21:9
   
   

   

   Jesus' bride making herself ready

So it was Jesus that sent the serpents to bite people for complaining!

One of the craziest stories in the Bible is found in Numbers 21. It all happens in just two verses:

The people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread.

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:5-6

Christians don't pay much attention to it, though. That was, after all, the Old Testament, and they ignore pretty much everything in it, except for the verses that condemn homosexuality.

Sure, they say, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water, but Jesus had nothing to do with it.

Unless you believe Paul, that is.

Neither let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed of serpents. 1 Corinthians 10:9

The people tempted Christ (by complaining) and he sent snakes to bite them.

So don't tempt Jesus, or he'll send some of his snakes to bite you too.

Bad Friday: Greater evil hath no man than this, that he is willing to kill his own son (for any fucking reason).

The three "great" Abrahamic faiths trace their origin to Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his son to God. Jews and Christians believe the story told in Genesis 22, in which God tells Abraham to kill his son, Isaac, for him.

God ... said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and .. and offer him there for a burnt offering. (Genesis 22:1)

(Actually God was wrong about the "only son" thing, because Abraham, at the time, had two sons, not one. Abraham had already abandoned his first son, Ishmael, and his mother, Hagar -- with God's consent and blessing. So I guess Isaac was Abraham's only son, at least as far as he and God were concerned.)

God didn't make Abraham do the evil deed, though, substituting a ram instead at the last minute. But it was Abraham's willingness to do it that impressed God so much. Abraham passed the test because he was was willing to kill his son for God.

For his willingness to do the greatest evil any father could ever do, God blessed Abraham and made him the father of all believers.

Because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son ... I will bless thee ... And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice. Genesis 22:16

Muslims also honor Abraham for his willingness to slaughter his son, but they believe it was a different son. They believe it was Ishmael, not Isaac, that God told Abraham to kill.




Here's the story from the Quran:

When (his son) was old enough to walk with him, (Abraham) said: O my dear son, I have seen in a dream that I must sacrifice thee. So look, what thinkest thou ? He said: O my father! Do that which thou art commanded. Allah willing, thou shalt find me of the steadfast. Quran 37:102

(Notice, though, that the Quran doesn't actually name the son, so maybe a Muslim could believe that Isaac was the intended victim.)

The important thing, though, is this: Abraham was willing to kill his own son for God, and God rewarded him for it.

And then, of course, there's Jesus.

God supposedly tested himself, just like he did Abraham, only this time he went through with it. He killed his own son for some god-awful reason. I guess it was to keep himself from torturing others for stuff they didn't  do or didn't believe. Or something like that.

Believers call it Good Friday.

Who had the most powerful spit: Jesus or Muhammad?

This is an important question.

Luckily, the gospels and Ash-Shifa can answer it for us. (Ash-Shifa is a 12th century biography of Muhammad that is considered authoritative throughout the Muslim world.)

Let's take Jesus' spit first.

• In Mark's gospel, Jesus cured a deaf man by putting some of his holy spit on the deaf man's tongue.

  And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech ... And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue ... And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain. Mark 7:32-35

• And he cured a blind man by spitting on (or in) his eyes.

  And they bring a blind man unto him ... And ... he ... spit on his eyes [and] asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking. After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly. Mark 8:22-25

• The only other gospel that mentions Jesus' spit is John, which says that another blind man (or was it the same one?) was cured with mud made with Jesus spit followed by a holy water bath.

  And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him .... When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam ... He ... washed, and came seeing. John 9:1-7

Now let's consider the spit of the Prophet Muhammad (PB&J be upon him).
(All quotes are taken from Ash-Shifa.)

• Just like Jesus, Muhammad cured blind and deaf people by spitting in their eyes or ears.

  Habib, either the son of Fudayk or Furayk's said that his father's eyes became so white that he had no vision at all. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva in to his eyes whereupon his vision was immediately restored. He was even seen threading a needle at the age of eighty! (p. 188)

  At the Battle of Khybar, Ali's eyes became very painful. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on them and they were immediately healed. (p. 188)

  A lady from Khuth'am had a child who was mute. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked for some water to be brought with which he rinsed his mouth and washed hands. Then he gave it to the mother and told her to wash the child and wipe him with it. The mother did as the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, had said and the child was no longer mute and had an intellect superior to most people. (p. 189)

• And like Moses, he could make water miraculously appear. But he didn't have to strike a rock with his rod or even speak to the rock. He did it all with his spit.

  At Hudaybiyah, we are told by Al Bara', there were approximately 14,000 men, and the water well they found was insufficient to provide for even fifty sheep. The Companions crowded around the well until not one single drop remained. Then, the Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, came and sat beside it and a pail was brought to him in which he blew some of his saliva and supplicated. Salama reported that he either supplicated or blew some of his salvia in it whereupon water gushed forth and there was sufficient water for themselves and enough to fill their containers. (p. 170)

• Like Jesus, Muhammad cured people with mud made with his own spit. But Muhammad's muddy spit treatment was administered orally rather than topically.

  Mula'ib's son suffered from an edema of water fluid, and sent a messenger to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, to tell him of his condition. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, took some dust from the ground, blew some of his salvia upon it and gave to the Mula'ib's messenger who was amazed and took it fearing that he would be laughed at. He returned to Mulai'b's son who was now on the verge of death and gave it to him. He consumed it and Allah cured him.

• And Muhammad's spit, unlike Jesus', cured more than just blind and deaf people. It also worked on burn and hernia patients.

  There was a lady who brought her possessed son to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon, and Abbas' son tells us that the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked his chest whereupon the child vomited something that resembled a black puppy and was immediately cured. We are also told of the time Muhammad, Hatim's son was a child and a boiling pot overturned on his arm, the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked it, supplicated, then blew some of his salvia on it and it was immediately healed. (p. 189)

  A man came to him suffering from a hernia. He instructed that it be sprinkled with water from a spring into which he had blown some saliva. After this had been carried out the man was cured. (p. 196)

• Bad mannered girls behave much better after eating food from Muhammad's mouth. (There's nothing like this in the gospels.)

  A girl who was in the service of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked him for some food when he was eating and as he never refused anyone anything he gave her what was in front of him. The girl was persistent and said, "I want the food in your mouth." So he gave her what was in his mouth. After she had swallowed it, she became well mannered and the change was apparent for all to see, and she became among the most well mannered girls of Medina. (p. 189)

• Many soldiers were completely healed by rubbing Muhammad spit on their wounds. (Something similar occurred during Jesus' arrest, when a man with a severed ear was restored by Jesus' touch. But since no spit was involved, it doesn't count in the holy spit competition.)

  Abu Sa'id Al Khudri said that the Prophet, praise and peace, be upon him, put some of his saliva on the mark made by the arrow on the Day of Dhu Qarad and Abu Katada told him that it neither throbbed nor yet became infected. (p. 187)

  During the Battle of Uhud, Kulthum Hussain's son was shot in his throat. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it healed immediately. Abdullah, Anies' son was also among those injured during the encounter and sustained a wound to his head, once again the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it did not turn septic. (p. 188)

  Salama, Al Akwa's son sustained a wound to his thigh during the battle and a similar miracle occurred whereby he too was immediately healed. (p. 188)

• And finally, and most impressively, Muhammad cured amputees with his spit. (Not even God can do that!)

  It was during the Battle of Badr that Abu Jahl severed the hand of Mu'awwidh, Afra's son. Mu'awwidh went to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him carrying his severed hand, whereupon the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on it, replaced it was immediately miraculously rejoined to his arm. It was during the same battle Wahb's son tells us that Khubaby, Yasaf's son was severely struck on the neck and half of it was severed. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew his salvia upon it and it was immediately healed. (p. 188-9)

So Muhammad wins the holy spit contest. I guess we should all convert to Islam. (What more evidence could anyone ever ask for?)

Christ on a Dog's Ass

Or it might be Muhammad (pb&jbuh). It's hard to tell those two apart.

Via Why Evolution is True

What Jesus said about 'Job Creators'

As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"

Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.

Verily I say unto you, That a rich man job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25

Woe to you that are rich job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24

There was a certain rich man job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man job creator also died, and was buried;

And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25

Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.

So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.

Jesus Christ: The Former Mighty Warrior of the United States Air Force

The US Air Force has discontinued its Christian-based training class for nuclear missile officers after a report by Truthout. I guess the Air Force no longer points to Jesus as a model for its mighty warriors.

Here is a slide that was used in the program's Power Point presentation.

And here is the full description of Jesus "Mighty Warrior" Christ from Revelation 19 (verses 11-17).

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself.

And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.

And the armies which were in heaven followed him upon white horses, clothed in fine linen, white and clean.

And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.

And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.

And I saw an angel standing in the sun; and he cried with a loud voice, saying to all the fowls that fly in the midst of heaven, Come and gather yourselves together unto the supper of the great God; hat ye may eat the flesh of kings, and the flesh of captains, and the flesh of mighty men, and the flesh of horses, and of them that sit on them, and the flesh of all men.

Yep, that's Just War Jesus for you.

He makes war, has eyes of fire, with many crowns on his head, a name that nobody knows but himself, has clothes dripping with blood, has another name called "the Word of God," leads an army of heavenly soldiers with a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth and an iron rod in his hand with a third set of names ("King of Kings and Lord of Lords") tattooed on his thigh (or scrotum), smiting nations and feeding the flesh of all the resulting dead human bodies to the birds.

Now that's a guy who'd enjoy launching a nuclear-armed Intercontinental Ballistic Missile!

Forget Camping: What Jesus said about the end of the world

Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.

He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.

Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)

Before the end comes the following things must happen:

1. Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5

   Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11

   If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8

   (I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.)

2. There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7

   When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9

   (There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.)

3. There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)

   There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8

   There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8

   Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11

   (This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?)

4. Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.

   Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9

   They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9

   They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12

   (This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.)

5. But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)

   But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18

   (Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.)

6. Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).

   Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17

   (The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.)

7. Believers will hate one another.

   Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10

   (Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)

8. Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.

   Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12

   Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16

   (Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?)

9. Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)

   Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13

   He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13

   (Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.)

10. The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).

    This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14

    The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10

    (This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!)

11. The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this, it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)

    When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16

    When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14

    (Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.)

12. Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19

    Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23

    (I suppose this one has always been true.)

13. Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).

    Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24

    (I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?)

14. It will be bloody hell out there.

    Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21

    In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19

    (I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.)

15. Everyone will be afraid of everything.

    Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26

    (There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.)

16. The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.

    The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29

    The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25

    And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25

    (Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.)

17. Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.

    As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27

    Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26

    (Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.)

18. And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34

    Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32

    (Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)

So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.

Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).

Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32

So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.

What really happened to Jesus

There are many beliefs in the great vat of stupidity.

Surah 4:136-176 -- Jesus wasn't really crucified, it just looked that way

The end of Surah 4 contains a bit of news about Jesus, something you may not have heard about before.

Here it is: Allah and Jesus worked together to make his death appear to be a bloody crucifixion, but it was all just a fancy magic trick. Jesus didn't really die, it just looked that way.

Oh sure, the Jews like to brag about killing the Messiah (we've all heard them do that), but they didn't really. Allah tricked them, just for the heck of it.

And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger - they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them. 4:157a

Allah and Jesus faked the whole bloody mess. Jesus beamed up to heaven and had some stand-in^* do the crucifixion for him.

And lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. But Allah took him up unto Himself. 4:157b-8

The rest of the section repeats the same old stuff that we've already heard and have grown tired of. Allah will neither help nor forgive disbelievers or apostates (4:137-143), but purposefully misleads them so that he can burn them in hell after they die (4:167-170). Muslims should not have them for friends (4:144). Oh, and women are worth half a much as men (4:176).

There is one other verse that I should mention, though. Here it is.

Do not exaggerate in your religion. 4:171

There's a name for people who don't exaggerate in their religion. They're called atheists.

---

* The gospel of Barnabas (a 16th century forgery) claims it was Judas.

50 reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus

There's a group in the United States called Not a Fan that encourage Christians to show that they aren't ashamed of Jesus (no matter how badly he behaved in the gospels) by being not just fans, but fanatics.

But every believer should be ashamed of Jesus and no one should be his fan. It's time for us all to defriend him.

Here are some reasons to be ashamed (and not a fan) of Jesus.

1. He told his followers to hate their families.

   If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

2. He came to break apart families.

   I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. Matthew 10:35-36

   The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. Luke 12:51-53

3. He insisted that his followers love him more than anyone else (including their families).

   He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37

4. He encouraged people to abandon their home and family for his name's sake.

   And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:29, Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

5. He was rude to his own family.

   Then one said unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren stand without, desiring to speak with thee. But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! Matthew 12: 47-49, Mark 3:31-34, Luke 8:20-21

6. He was dismissive of other people's feelings toward their families.

   And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him, Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead. Matthew 8:21-22, Luke 9:59-62

7. He discouraged marriage.

   They which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage. Luke 20:35

8. He was a hypocrite. He told his followers not to call anyone a fool.
   

   Whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. Matthew 5:22

   Yet he often called his critics and disciples fools.
   

   Ye fools and blind. Matthew 23:17, 19

   Ye fools. Luke 11:40

   O fools, and slow of heart to believe. Luke 24:25

9. He encouraged his followers to mutilate themselves to avoid hell.

   Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30

   If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9

   And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-48

10. He encouraged men to castrate themselves.

    There are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. Matthew 19:12

11. He approved of God's killings in the Bible.

    And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words ... It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Matthew 10:14-15

    But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:37

    As it was in the days of Noe, so shall it be also in the days of the Son of man ... the flood came, and destroyed them all. Likewise also as it was in the days of Lot ... the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all ... Remember Lot's wife. Luke 17:26-32

    As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: John 3:14

12. He believed in the Old Testament's stories.

    But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:37, Luke 17:27

    But the same day that Lot went out of Sodom it rained fire and brimstone from heaven, and destroyed them all. ... Remember Lot's wife. Luke 17:29-32

    For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. Matthew 12:40

13. He accepted Old Testament laws.

    Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. Matthew 5:17

14. He criticized the Pharisees for not killing parent-cursing children.

    God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

    Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Mark 7:10

15. He and his dad plan to torture billions of people forever after they die.

    Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Matthew 7:19

    Fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Matthew 10:28

    The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:41-42

    So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:49-50

    Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. Matthew 25:41

    And these shall go away into everlasting punishment. Matthew 25:46

    He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. Mark 16:16

    Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him. Luke 12: 5

16. He implied that all Jews are going to hell.

    But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 8:12

17. He was a false prophet.

    Verily I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel, till the Son of man be come. Matthew 10:23

    Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom. Matthew 16:28, Mark 9:1, Luke 9:27

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34, Mark 13:30, Luke 21:32

    Behold, I come quickly. Revelation 3:11, 22:7, 22:11, 22:20

18. He was a warmonger.

    Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. Matthew 10:34, Luke 12:51-53

    And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. Revelation 19:11

19. He was a megalomaniac.

    Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed. Mark 8:38

    He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God ... he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him. John 3:18, 36

    If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned. John 15:16

20. He condemned cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for his preaching.

    Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! ... And thou, Capernaum ... shalt be brought down to hell ... it shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom in the day of judgment, than for thee. Matthew 11:21-24

    Whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear you, when ye depart thence, shake off the dust under your feet for a testimony against them. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment, than for that city. Mark 6:11

    But into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you not ... it shall be more tolerable in that day for Sodom, than for that city. Woe unto thee, Chorazin! woe unto thee, Bethsaida! ... And thou, Capernaum, which art exalted to heaven, shalt be thrust down to hell. Luke 10:10-15

21. He called an entire generation perverse, evil, adulterous vipers.

    O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? ... Then certain of the scribes and of the Pharisees answered, saying, Master, we would see a sign from thee. But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign. Matthew 12:34-39, 16:4

    Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation.... 17:17

22. He invented George W. Bush's false dichotomy.

    He that is not with me is against me. Matthew 12:30, Luke 11:230

23. He approved of torture.

    And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses. Matthew 18:34-35

24. He inspired the Republican Tea Party.

    Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12, Mark 4:25

    Unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Matthew 25:29

25. He believed in an unforgivable sin.

    Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32, Mark 3:29, Luke 12:10

26. He spoke in parables to confuse people so he could send them to hell.

    And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them. Mark 4:11, Matthew 13:10-15

27. He believed in a God (himself?) who had his enemies slaughtered in front of him.

    But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me. Luke 19:27

28. He believed in devils, evil eyes, and unclean spirits.
    

    Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying ... cast out devils. Matthew 10:5-8

    Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he healed him. Matthew 12:22

    And Jesus rebuked the devil. Matthew 17:18

    And he ... cast out many devils; and suffered not the devils to speak, because they knew him. Mark 1:34

    Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils. Luke 9:1

    And unclean spirits, when they saw him, fell down before him, and cried, saying, Thou art the Son of God. And he straitly charged them that they should not make him known. Mark 3:11-12

    An evil eye ... defile the man. Mark 7:22-23

    But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. Matthew 6:23, Luke 11:34

    There was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit ... And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him. Mark 1:23-25

    He gave them power against unclean spirits. Matthew 10:1

    When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation. Matthew 12:43-45, Luke 11:24-26

29. He was a bit of a racist.

    The woman was a Greek, a Syrophenician by nation; and she besought him that he would cast forth the devil out of her daughter. But Jesus said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it unto the dogs. Mark 7:26-27, Matthew 15:22-26

30. He condemned people to hell for things that their ancestors supposedly did.

    Ye are the children of them which killed the prophets. ... Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell? ... Upon you may come all the righteous blood shed upon the earth, from the blood of righteous Abel unto the blood of Zacharias son of Barachias, whom ye slew between the temple and the altar. Matthew 23:31-35

31. He got kind of gross sometimes.

    And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue. Mark 7:33

    He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought. Mark 8: 23

    He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay. John 9:6

    Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life ... For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him ... He that eateth me, even he shall live by me. John 6:53-57

32. He approved of slavery (or at least didn't object to it) and said that God is like a slave owner who beats his slaves and sells families to pay for debts.

    And a certain centurion's servant [slave], who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die. And when he heard of Jesus, he sent unto him the elders of the Jews, beseeching him that he would come and heal his servant. ... When Jesus heard these things, he marvelled at him, and turned him about, and said unto the people that followed him, I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. And they that were sent, returning to the house, found the servant whole that had been sick. Luke 7:2-10

    And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. Luke 12:47

    The kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. Matthew 18:23-25

33. Someday he'll fight against people with a sword sticking out of his mouth.

    Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth. Revelation 2:16

    And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. ... And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:15, 21

34. He threatens to kill children (with death).

    I will kill her children with death. Revelation 2:23

35. He's going to kill billions of people with his sickle.

    Upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. ,,, And he that sat on the cloud thrust in his sickle on the earth; and the earth was reaped. ... And the winepress was trodden without the city, and blood came out of the winepress, even unto the horse bridles, by the space of a thousand and six hundred furlongs. Revelation 14:14-20

36. He unnecessarily killed 2000 pigs.

    And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. Matthew 8:30-32

    And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. Mark 5:12-13

    Then went the devils out of the man, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the lake, and were choked. Luke 8:33

37. He killed a fig tree by cursing it. (Because it didn't have any fruit that he could eat.)

    When he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. Matthew 21:19

    And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. Mark 11:13-14

38. He didn't know much about Biology.

    It is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown in the earth, is less than all the seeds that be in the earth: But when it is sown, it groweth up, and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out great branches; so that the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it. Mark 4:31-32

39. He lied about prayer.

    Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20

    That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Mark 11:23-24

    Whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do. John 14:13-14, 15:7, 15:16, 16:23

    If ye have faith, and doubt not ... if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:21-22

    If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:6

40. He said some stupid things.

    All things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:23

    Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19

    That which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. Luke 16:15

    Some of you shall they cause to be put to death ... but there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:16-18

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23

    He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. John 7:38

    And Jesus said, For judgment I am come into this world ... that they which see might be made blind. John 9:39

    He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25

41. He talked complete nonsense about the end of the world.

    Nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. ... In those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:8, 24-25, Matthew 24:3-30, Luke 21:10-11

42. He said that everyone who lived before him was a thief and a robber.

    All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers John 10:8

43. His neighbors rejected him.

    Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas? And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things? And they were offended in him. Matthew 13:55-57, Mark 6:3

    Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? how is it then that he saith, I came down from heaven? John 6:42

44. Many that saw him up close and personal thought he was mad and possessed by a devil.

    Many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him? John 10:20

45. His family didn't believe in him.

    For neither did his brethren believe in him. John 7:5

46. His friends thought he was insane.

    And when his friends heard of it, they went out to lay hold on him: for they said, He is beside himself. Mark 3:21

47. He said that his true followers would cast out devils, speak in tongues, handle snakes, and drink poisons.

    And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18

48. He said that disbelievers will be tormented forever in hell.

    He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. Mark 16:16

49. He dresses kind of funny.

    The Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass ... and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:13-16

    The Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass Revelation 2:18

    His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword ... And ... on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS. Revelation 19:12-16

50. He is the living dead with keys to hell and death.

    I am he that liveth, and was dead... and have the keys of hell and of death. Revelation 1:13-16

Jesus: I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven

Jesus was struck by lightning last night. I guess this is what he was talking about when told his disciples:

I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven. Luke 10:18

Of course, Jesus was in one of his crazy moods at the time. Here's what he said right after his vision of Satan.

Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19

In any case, this is what he look like yesterday.

And here's what he looked like last night after Satan fell as lightning from heaven.

I think he looks a lot better in the second picture. (Thanks Satan!)

Jesus

You’ve heard this one before: God killed his son in order to stop himself from torturing people forever after they die for something that someone else supposedly did thousands of years before they were born.

The story is known too well already. So I'm not going to waste any time on it here. There are only two things that you need to know.

1. God killed his own son.

He ... spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all. Romans 8:32

2. He had the whole thing planned from the very beginning.

Ye were not redeemed with corruptible things ... But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world. 1 Peter 1:18-20

It's hard to imagine something worse than a father planning to kill his own son. Except maybe a father killing his son in order to keep himself from torturing billions of others forever.

"He that spared not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone.

The Conservative Bible: Putting fresh grape juice into old bottles

The Conservative Bible Project (CBP) is done with the Gospel of Mark. And I think they've done a fabulous job!

Take that pesky verse about wine and wineskins, for example. Here's how it reads in the CBP:

"And no man puts fresh grape juice into old bottles. The fresh juice will burst the bottles, spilling the juice and damaging the bottles. Fresh juice must be put into new bottles." Mark 2:22

Jesus was talking about grape juice here, not wine, as the note for this verse explains.

The Greek word οινος, translated "wine," actually meant "fruit of the vine" and was not fermented, as it commonly is today. Repeated references in the Book of Proverbs tell their readers specifically to avoid fermented grape juice. Furthermore, at least five methods of preservation were known to the ancients, methods that avoided fermentation, long before Louis Pasteur would invent his pressure-cooking method.

So drinking wine is wrong and Jesus sure as hell never drank any.

But if that's true, why does the CBP say that Jesus changed water into wine at the wedding at Cana? Shouldn't that be grape juice, instead?

Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the pots with water." And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, "Carry them out now to the host of this feast." And so they did. When the host of the wedding feast tasted the water, it had been made into wine, and he did not know where the wine had come from (though the servants knew), and so the host of the wedding feast called the groom, And said to him, "Usually, a man, at the beginning of a feast, sets out his good wine, and when all have drank their fill, then the poorer quality wine. But you have kept your good wine for last!" John 2:7-10

So I guess Jesus messed up here. Oh well, nobody's perfect.

The context of John 3:16

The most popular verse in the Bible by far is John 3:16. Nearly everyone, believer or skeptic, can quote this verse. But in case you've forgotten it, here it is.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But let's look at it in context.

Just before Jesus (supposedly) spoke these words, he (supposedly) said:

And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:14-15

That's right. Jesus believed in the snake-on-a-pole story of Numbers 21, God's 23rd Killing. He believed that God sent fiery serpents to bite and kill the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. And he believed that God told Moses to make a brass serpent and put it on a pole so that those who looked at it would be magically cured. And he was OK with all that.

In fact, Jesus said his own death would be just like that. If you believe in Jesus' magical death, you'll be saved just like the people that had been bitten by God's fiery serpents were saved by looking at Moses' magic snake on a pole.

But what if you don't believe in Jesus' death any more than you do in Moses' magic snake pole? Well, here's what Jesus supposedly said right after the famous words of John 3:16.

He that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. John 3:18

And, a little later, in John 3:38:

He that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.

So let's put John 3:16 in context. If you believe in Jesus and in Moses' magic snake pole, you'll go straight to heaven after you die. If not you're going to hell.

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Thanks to matt311 and wise fool for pointing out Jesus' belief in the cruel and stupid story in Numbers 21.