What the Bible says about Liberals (and why Todd Akin should become one)

Congressmen Todd Akin (R-MO) recently said this about liberals:

At the heart of liberalism really is a hatred for God.

So I thought I'd check to see what the Bible says about them. Here's what I found.

1. God makes liberals fat.

   The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25

2. And since being fat is is sure sign of righteousness in the eyes of God, liberals are righteous people.

   The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat and flourishing. -- Psalm 92:12-14

3. Liberals are not lying, churlish, vile, villainous hypocrites that steal from the poor and hungry. (Guess who that would be.)

   The vile person shall be no more called liberal ... For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy ... to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail. The instruments also of the churl are evil: he deviseth wicked devices to destroy the poor with lying words. -- Isaiah 32:5-7

4. Liberals distribute wealth from the rich to the poor.

   For your liberal distribution ... unto all men ... Thanks be unto God. -- 2 Corinthians 9:13-15

5. And lastly, liberals devise and stand for liberal things.

   The liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand. -- Isaiah 32:8

God loves liberals. Todd Akin should become one. Then God would love him, too.

The Gospel According to Mark Andy: The Liberal plot against Jesus

The Conservative Bible Project is off to a fine start. It is rapidly converging on the absurd.

Here's my favorite verse so far:

The Liberals then fled from the scene to plot with Herod's people against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him. Mark 3:6

(Who knew that the Pharisees were liberals?)

Here are a few more fun verses from Mark's Andy's Gospel.

Mark 2:8

King James Version (KJV)

And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts?

Conservative Bible (CB)

Jesus perceived immediately what the intellectual types were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?

CBP Comment: the hostility was to the forgiveness

(Intellectual types hate forgiveness.)

Mark 2:16

KJV

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?

CB

Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and intellectuals demanded of his disciples, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"

Mark 3:2

KJV

And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.

CB

The Liberals watched Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.

CB comment: Tentatively using "Elite" rather than "Pharisees" or skeptical "teachers" for more modern accessability. See talk. - "Self proclaimed elite" = "liberals", fits modern terminology, see talk.

(It's hard to decide, isn't it? Were the bad guys Liberals, skeptics, or elites?)

Mark 3:4

KJV

And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.

CB

Jesus asked the Liberals, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" The Liberals did not answer.

(The Liberals didn't answer because they're chicken shit and anti-life.)

Mark 3:22

KJV

And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.

CB

Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"

(Don't you just love it when intellectuals come smearing Jesus? I do.)

I hope this project never dies!

What's your favorite verse from the Conservative Bible?

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14 October 2009: The CBP has changed "Liberals" back to "Pharisees, but "scribes" are still "intellectual types".

15 October 2009: "Intellectuals" and "intellectual types" have reverted to "scribes". Can the "Divine Guide" be far behind?