07 October 2009

The Gospel According to Mark Andy: The Liberal plot against Jesus

The Conservative Bible Project is off to a fine start. It is rapidly converging on the absurd.

Here's my favorite verse so far:

The Liberals then fled from the scene to plot with Herod's people against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him. Mark 3:6

(Who knew that the Pharisees were liberals?)

Here are a few more fun verses from Mark's Andy's Gospel.

Mark 2:8

King James Version (KJV)
And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts?
Conservative Bible (CB)
Jesus perceived immediately what the intellectual types were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?
CBP Comment: the hostility was to the forgiveness

(Intellectual types hate forgiveness.)

Mark 2:16

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?
Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and intellectuals demanded of his disciples, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"

Mark 3:2

And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.
The Liberals watched Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.
CB comment: Tentatively using "Elite" rather than "Pharisees" or skeptical "teachers" for more modern accessability. See talk. - "Self proclaimed elite" = "liberals", fits modern terminology, see talk.

(It's hard to decide, isn't it? Were the bad guys Liberals, skeptics, or elites?)

Mark 3:4

And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.
Jesus asked the Liberals, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" The Liberals did not answer.

(The Liberals didn't answer because they're chicken shit and anti-life.)

Mark 3:22

And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.
Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"

(Don't you just love it when intellectuals come smearing Jesus? I do.)

I hope this project never dies!

What's your favorite verse from the Conservative Bible?

14 October 2009: The CBP has changed "Liberals" back to "Pharisees, but "scribes" are still "intellectual types".

15 October 2009: "Intellectuals" and "intellectual types" have reverted to "scribes". Can the "Divine Guide" be far behind?


Brucker said...

"Who knew that the Pharisees were liberals?"

Totally. The Pharisees were like the first-century Religious Right. This guy's nuts.

Mike aka MonolithTMA said...

This can't be serious. That's just crazy.

On a side note, my captcha word is "duckful" ;-)

Prometheus said...

So Andy doesn't approve of any attempt of liberals modernizing the bible, but it's ok for him to do so!

Quantum_Flux said...

This must be in response to Micheal Moore's Anti-Capitalist Propaganda Documentary....

Socialist Micheal Moore Vs Capitalist Sean Hannity

Baconsbud said...

I can understand why they would want to do this. It is much easier to keep those sitting on the fence leaning their way if they can get them to believe these are what their god meant when these words were written. It will also help when they finally start expecting there extreme followers to take truly extreme actions. The one question I have for them, how do you get past the claim that the only true version of the bible is the KJV?

Matthew Blanchette said...

The Bible was twisted already; these nutjobs are just adding fuel to the crazy-fire.

Tony said...

I do love this project, it's a boon for all us avid disciples of "dwindling".

I wonder if the jews will be portrayed differently when we get to the crucifixion. The conservapedophiles might view their demonization in the existing bible versions as being some prophetic liberal plot to undermine zionism several centuries later.

Nathan said...

I guess the Pharisees would have been considered liberal compared to the Sadducees.