Jehoram of Israel

Remember when God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king? You might have thought that that would be the end of it. But no. God still had Ahab's family to kill. It was sort of his way of paying it forward.
The story is a bit complicated, but it starts with Elisha, who called one of "the children of the prophets" and told him to "gird his loins," get some oil, and go anoint Jehu as king of Israel. (You know you're in for some big-time prophet action when Elisha tells you to grab some oil and gird your loins.)

Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil ... And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu ... and ... take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. 2 Kings 9:1-3

So that's what that son of a prophet did. He girded his loins and made Jehu king.
Then he told the new king that God had a job for him.

Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. 2 Kings 9:6-7

Just in case it wasn't clear, the son of the prophet elaborated a bit. God wanted Jehu to kill everyone in Ahab's family, especially those that had ever "pissed against a wall."

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 2 Kings 9:8

He reminded Jehu of the last two families that God had executed: Jeroboam's and Baasha's. He wanted Jehu to go and do likewise to Ahab's family.

I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha. 2 Kings 9:9

But there was one person that God wanted more than just dead. Ahab's wife, Jezebel, was to be not just killed, but fed to the dogs, so that there would be nothing left of her body to bury.

And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9:10

And that was the end of the message from God.
(As you may have noticed by now, God has a one-track mind.)
So Jehu took off in his chariot to get started on God's killings. When people saw him coming, they'd say, "That must be Jehu because he's driving like crazy." (Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers.)

And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. 2 Kings 9:20

It wasn't long before Jehu found God's first victim: Ahab's son, Jehoram -- a wall-pisser if there ever was one!
So Jehu did what God told him to do. He shot him right through the heart and threw his dead body in the field of Naboth, "according to the word of the Lord."

Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart ... Then said Jehu to Bidkar his captain ... cast him into the plat of ground, according to the word of the LORD. 2 Kings 9:24-26

And so died the first wall-pisser in Ahab's family.
Then Jehu got back in his chariot and drove off furiously to find the rest.

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God's next killing: Jezebel

Baasha's family and friends

Remember how God made Jeroboam king and then killed his son and the rest of his family because he didn't like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he's at it again.

This time it's king Baasha that he's is pissed off about. Baasha became king by killing Jeroboam's son and then slaughtered the rest of Jeroboam's family, "according to the saying of the Lord."

Now you'd think that God would thank Baasha for doing his dirty work for him. But if so, you'd be wrong about that. God was angry at Baasha for killing Jeroboam's family, even though he apparently inspired him to do it. God works in really creepy ways.

God made his plans known in the usual way: he sent a prophet (Jehu) to tell Baasha the bad news.

Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu the son of Hanani against Baasha, saying, Forasmuch as I exalted thee out of the dust, and made thee prince over my people Israel; and thou hast walked in the way of Jeroboam, and hast made my people Israel to sin, to provoke me to anger with their sins; Behold, I will take away the posterity of Baasha, and the posterity of his house; and will make thy house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat. Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat. 1 Kings 16:1-4

Yep, that's right. God will kill everyone in Baasha's family and feed their bodies to the dogs and birds.

But God doesn't do anything to Baasha. He just waits for him to die and then has his family slaughtered to teach him a lesson. (The best way to teach a man a lesson is to kill his family after he dies.)

So Baasha slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tirzah: and Elah his son reigned in his stead. 1 Kings 16:6

After Baasha died, his son Elah was king for two years. Then God got to work on his next mass murder.
One of Elah's captains (Zimri) was selected by God to do the killing. First he killed Elah (while he was "drinking himself drunk") and then all of Baasha's family and friends -- all those that pissed against a wall, anyway.

His servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him, ... drinking himself drunk. ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead. ...
And it came to pass, when he began to reign, as soon as he sat on his throne, that he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake against Baasha by Jehu the prophet. 1 Kings 16:9-12

So God had all of Baasha's wall-pissing friends and family killed. It doesn't say how many that was, so I'll just guess 20: 10 friends and 10 family members.

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Since I'm not having much luck getting apologists to defend God's killings, I thought I'd add a note from one of my favorite Bibles, the Quest Study Bible (QSB). Here's what they say about God's 80th killing. (p. 492)

Why did God punish Baasha? (16:7)
Baasha's violence accomplished God's purpose, but that one act did not make him a servant of God. God held him accountable for his evil intentions, not for inadvertently full fulling God's will. Baasha had wiped out Jeroboam's clan to increase his power base, not to honor God.

[Note that the editors of the QSB don't deny that God wanted Baasha to kill Jeroboam's family. In fact, they clearly believe that the slaughter was a good and noble act. The problem, they say, was Baasha's intention (which, by the way, the Bible says nothing about). If Baasha had of massacred Jeroboam's family to "honor God," it would have been (in their warped minds) a wonderful, virtuous act! You have to have the right intention when you slaughter a family for God.

But because Baasha didn't have the proper intention when performing the mass murder, God was forced to have someone else (Zimri) murder Baasha's family and friends. One holy mass murder leads to another.
But I guess Zimri didn't have the right intention either when he slaughtered Baasha's family and friends, so he burned himself to death because he did "evil in the sight of the LORD." But that's another story.]

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God's next killing: Zimri burns to death

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Jeroboam's son: God kills another child

The story begins with a sick child, Abijah the son of king Jeroabom.

At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14:1

Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.

And Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself ... and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people ... He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 1 Kings 14:2-3

(Why did Jeroboam tell his wife to disguise herself? Would it matter much to a blind prophet?)
So she went to Ahijah's house.

And Jeroboam's wife did so, and arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4a

Before her visit, God came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam's wife would be coming to visit. God told him what he planned to do.

But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman.1 Kings 14:4b-5

So when Jeroboam's wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.

And it was so, when Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door, that he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 1 Kings 14:6

He said that God made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn't perfect like God's servant David was. (See here for some of the perfect acts of David.) In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (God loves to exaggerate!)

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods. 1 Kings 14:7-9

So to punish Jeroboam, God would kill all of Jeroboam's sons (or, as God put it, all those "that pisseth against the wall").

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall ... 1 Kings 14:10a

And dispose of Jeroboam's family as though they were pieces of shit.

... and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10b

Then he'll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11

And finally, God will kill Jeroboam's sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.

Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12

After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And God killed the sick boy the moment his mother entered his room.

And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17

Could anyone love the God of the Bible after reading this story?

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God's next killing: Jeroboam's family

God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)

After God's last killing, David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was "covering his feet" (the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom") and cut off end of Saul's skirt.
This feat impressed Saul so much that he said:

Thou art more righteous than I ... And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king. 1 Samuel 24:17-20

And I suppose that I'd be pretty impressed too, if someone cut off my shirttail or something with a sword while I was doing my business without me even noticing.
After David's amazing bathroom caper, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and decided to send ten of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.

Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.1 Samuel 25:8

But Nabal was on to their protection racket. He refused to give his belongs to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.

And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11

When David heard about it, he swore he'd kill Nabal and all of his men (everyone that pisses against a wall).

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22

Meanwhile, Nabal's wife, Abigail, decided to go visit David and try to smooth things over a bit. She brought lots of food and wine.

Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 1 Samuel 25:18

And the bribe worked. David said that he no longer planned to kill every last swinging dick (those that piss against the wall).

For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:34

Abigail returned home and found that Nabal was partying with his friends, celebrating his freedom from David's extortion. She waited until he woke up the next morning (since he was too drunk the night before) to tell him what had happened. (That she gave David a huge bribe to keep him from killing Nabal and his men.) Then Nabal had a stroke or heart attack and was paralyzed. About ten days later, God killed him.

And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38

When David heard that Nabal was dead,

He said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39

So God killed Nabal and David got his wife along with all his other stuff.
(Actually he got two new wives, Abigail and Ahinoam, along with five other "damsels". But Saul gave away his first wife to some other guy. So, for those keeping score, I guess he gained seven wives and lost one. I don't know what happened to all the wall pissers.)

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God's next killing: David commits random acts of genocide

Real men pee standing up

Have you ever wondered why the God of the Bible likes the phrase "piss against the wall" so much? I know I have.

Well wonder no more, because Pastor Steven L Anderson explains it all for you.

Here are some of the good pastor's words in the sermon.

And God says, "A man is someone who pisses against a wall." ... And you say, "Ah, you're being vile." I'm not being vile. God's the one who wrote the Bible.
...
We got pastors that pee sitting down. We got the president of the United States who probably pees sitting down. ... The editors of the NIV pee sitting down. The editors of the New King James all pee sitting down. I'm gonna tell you something. I will never pee sitting down.

So there you have it. According to the Bible, real men pee standing up.

And in case you want to mark them in your Bible, here are the six verses where God uses the phrase "piss against the wall."

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22

...surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.1 Samuel 25:34

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall... 1 Kings 14:10

... he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends.1 Kings 16:11

Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall....1 Kings 21:21

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall,.... 2 Kings 9:8