30 August 2011

Michele Bachmann's favorite Bible story: Jonathan and his gay companion slaughter the entire Philistine army

No, not that gay companion, silly. Not David. Jonathan's other gay companion.

Here's Ms. Bachmann's version of the story. (It starts at 4:30.)

And here's what really happened according to the Bible (1 Samuel 14:1-14).
(As always, be sure to read the Brick Testament story.)

One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.

Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14:6

Jonathan's amorous armor bearer said to him, "Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too." (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)

So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, "Wait there and we'll come over to you," then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, "Come up to us, and we will show you something," then they will attack, knowing that God will help kill them.

Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 1 Samuel 14:8-10

So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, "Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in."

And both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 1 Samuel 14:11

And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, "Come on up and we'll show you a thing or two."

And the men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 1 Samuel 14:12a

When Jonathan heard that, he told his partner that God would help them kill the Philistines.

And Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 1 Samuel 14:12b

So they crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.

And Jonathan climbed up upon his hands and upon his feet, and his armourbearer after him: and they fell before Jonathan; and his armourbearer slew after him. 1 Samuel 14:12

They killed about 20 of them, all in an area of half an acre or so. Which is not too bad for a very first slaughter.

And that first slaughter, which Jonathan and his armourbearer made, was about twenty men, within as it were an half acre of land, which a yoke of oxen might plow. 1 Samuel 14:14

But it is quite different from Ms. Bachmann's story. In her version, Jonathan and his friend kill the entire Philistine army, not just 20 guys in a half-acre.

Here's what she says (6:30 in the video).

And what was amazing is that Jonathan and his compatriot soldier took the entire army down. ... That's what God is looking for today.

But she was sort of right. After the 1/2 acre slaughter, God sent an earthquake and then he forced the Philistines to kill each other.

And there was trembling ... and the earth quaked: so it was a very great trembling. ... The multitude melted away, and they went on beating down one another ... Every man's sword was against his fellow. 1 Samuel 14:15-20

I guess the point is the same, though. God wants us to kill uncircumcised people (Muslims, Catholics, Democrats, old people, the poor, etc.). He will do it himself if he has to, but he'd like our help. Otherwise he'll have to send earthquakes and hurricanes and then force us all to kill each other. And you wouldn't want that to happen, would you?


Matthew Blanchette said...

I don't want to watch that; I'm afraid the crazy might get inside my head... :-S

That being said, there is an extraordinary amount of homoeroticism in a book that explicitly sentences gay couplings to the death penalty, no?

skanksta said...

It really is heartbreaking that The Land of the Free, of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and John Adams....

WTF is wrong with your politics America ?!?


skanksta said...

Keep up the ridicule Steve, but what's REALLY sad is, that this may not even hurt her electorally !

In Europe this would kill a political career stone dead.

JustJoeP said...

@Matthew B - hypocrisy and secret trysts (straight or not) are rampant throughout the old testament.

@Steven - M.B. is a plentiful source of guano. Shoot'em-Up-Hypocrite- Perry is stealing all of M.B's spotlight and oxygen. My hope is the right continues to be a circular firing squad and they run multiple Tea Party, Libertarian, and Secessionist (Texas) candidates.

skanksta said...

I HOPE this situation is a bit like that faced the British Labour (socialist) party in the 80s.

They had a committed hardcore of voters, but disappeared up their own arse, by repeatedly choosing WAY off the wall, unelectable leaders, until they basically, (after 14 years out of office) gave up socialism and came up with some sharp-suited candidates that could win elections - Tony Blair.

I'm hoping anyway, is this hope justified ?

Jinn Foxx said...

Reminds of playing World of Warcraft, actually. I mean David and his boyfriend slaying Philistines (they must have all been NPCs), not Michele Bachmann.

Bukko Boomeranger said...

I have an unQuranic quibble with your inclusion of Muslims amongst the uncircumcised minions that MMiicchheelee Bakkkhmann's gay warriors are ordered to kill. Getting snipped is almost as much of a tradition for them as it is for Jews. And that link is from an ANTI-circumcision webshite (sic), so you know it must be true. What brought this to mind is a recollection from a news story I read during the Yugoslav civil war about how murderous Serbs would look at the gear of Bosnians to see who had been clipped, so they'd know who they were going to cap.

Elroy said...

Uncircumcised people like Democrats?? Most American Jews are Democrats. You're inclusion of Democrats in that category of the persecuted doesn't make any sense, Stevie boy. I'm guessing that you're a Dem and so, doing what a lot of Dems love to do, decided to play the Victim Card. "Woe is me! Let me also crowbar my political party with the bunch!"