20 November 2012

All the fat is the Lord's: The Bible's guide to Thanksgiving dinner

There are some things that God cares deeply about -- sex, foreskins, menstruation, and animal sacrifice, for example.

And food.

Most Christians forget about that. They prepare and eat food on Thanksgiving that God abhors, while thanking him for it. And it really pisses him off (insofar as an imaginary being can be pissed off, that is).

Don't make that mistake this Thanksgiving.

Here are some suggestions for a biblically correct Thanksgiving dinner.
  1. Some things are abominations to God. Don't eat them. This includes:

    pork (No Thanksgiving ham),
    The swine ... is unclean to you ... their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch. Leviticus 11:7-8
    clams, lobsters, shrimp,
    All that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: Leviticus 11:10
    four-legged creeping fowls,
    All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:20
    most four-legged flying creeping things with legs above their feet (grasshoppers, locusts, and beetles are exceptions)
    All other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:21-23
    Every creeping thing that flieth is unclean unto you: they shall not be eaten. Deuteronomy  14:19
    whatever crawls on its belly, goes on all four, or has lots of legs
    Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet among all creeping things that creep upon the earth ... are an abomination. Leviticus 11:42
  2. Don't eat anything with blood. (No goddamned Thanksgiving blood sausage)
    Ye shall eat no manner of blood, whether it be of fowl or of beast. Leviticus 7:26

    Ye shall not eat any thing with the blood. Leviticus 19:26
  3. Don't eat anything with fat (God loves fat and he doesn't like to share. So no animal fat or gravy.)
    All the fat is the Lord's. Leviticus 3:16

    Ye shall eat no manner of fat. Leviticus 7:23
  4. Don't eat any uncircumcised fruit.
    When ye shall come into the land, and shall have planted all manner of trees for food, then ye shall count the fruit thereof as uncircumcised: three years shall it be as uncircumcised unto you: it shall not be eaten Leviticus 19:23
OK, but what can be eaten on Thanksgiving without upsetting God too much?

Here are a few biblically-based suggestions.
  1. Invite your family, friends, and neighbors over for Thanksgiving.
    And eat them.
    Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

    Thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53

    I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

    The fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10
  2. Eat the flesh of your own arm and get drunk on your own blood (as with sweet wine).
    They shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9:19-20

    I will feed them ... with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26
  3. Spice things up a little. Eat your own dung and drinking your own piss.
    Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18:27, Isaiah 36:12
  4. Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.
    Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof. Ezekiel 4:9

    And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 12
But what about turkey? Is it OK to eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

Well, that is a disputed topic.
I'll let the Bible believers fight it out.


Stephen said...

Happy Thanksgiving, Steve!
One of the things I'm thankful for is "Dwindling in Unbelief".
Steve Weeks

GMpilot said...

Ha! Now that's food for thought!

Love Bomb said...

Man if I were to even try to follow "The bible" I wouldn't be able to eat shrimp! That seals it, I'm an athiest.

Stephen said...

Another thing I'm thankful for is creationists. Life would be so much less amusing with their crazy claims about the madcap misadventures of their deity. It's also good to have a lower limit for human intelligence, so there's a standard to measure progress against... it's only "up" from there!
Happy Thanksgiving.
Steve Weeks

Stephen said...

Jason Kemp said...

"Are all creationists illiterate?"

Well, Jason, the amzaing thing is, no they're not. But when you see lots of spelling and punctuation errors bcoz the divine spell-checker is not working, you shd realize you are in the presence of one who IS. ;-)
Steve Weeks

Pamela Rdz said...

Don't know what made me laugh more, the post or the crazy creationist comment xD

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone that can eat whatever they want :D

Stephen said...

Where did our apologist go?
I guess deleting the comments is the best way to cut the losses, though. Not likely to make any converts here.
Steve Weeks

Unknown said...

No Steve, I think your apologist doesn't like hypocrites. I like your blog fine but when it comes to you being just like the Christians who hold on to the bible no matter what anybody tells; you don't want to listen to what "creationist" or anyone else tries to tell you. Christians would try to explain but you would chicken out, playing sacarstict when you don't know what to say.
You are totally convinced that God doesn't exist. You think just becoz the bible has faults and scientists believe the world just evolved somehow. People experience things, things you will never believe unless you experience them or you heard them from scientists I guess.
But scientists have turned things around; they gave most of these things a name "psychological problems." God is believed to communicate through one's mind so is the devil. Think of it as how a computer virus works. Computers and viruses didn’t just evolve, then how did the human brain?
Scientists believe mental problems come from our everyday problems or genetic inheritance. Did you know Muslims and Christians have always believe that demons are passed on to family generations and that they can destroy your mind, make you suffer or even kill you? These things are believed to be spirits; how the hell did they know they pass on to family generations while they didn't know shit about science.
In remote villages, Arabic coasts, even Zanzibar coast a lot of weird things happen. Whatever happens to these people like speaking in tongues, being possessed, gay suicides, and no educated person believes becoz they say they are psychological problems, but who said God or the Devil works from any other thing than the mind which affects neurons and the whole being. If anything God is a scientist and it is how he works, he doesn’t always show up in your room.
There is a sister call Sister Briedge McKenna, she has the biggest healing ministry, If you really want to know If God exists, look for her, If you don't then you will know why Christians won't leave the bible because they are blinded by faith just like you.

Stephen said...

I don't think it's hypocrisy to call "Bull Shit". You need to read a good book on evolution; I recommend "Why Evolution is True", by Jerry Coyne. You probably wouldn't be caught dead with anything by Richard Dawkins, though "The Greatest Show on Earth" gives an excellent explanation of evolution. And neither I nor, I dare say, any of the other posters here is "blinded by faith". Mark Twain said "Faith is believin' what you know ain't so." I happen to think he was right.
As for Sister Briedge McKenna, when I see verifiable evidence that she has healed an amputee, meaning a missing limb has been restored to both form and function, I will worship the ground she walks on.
Your move.
Steve Weeks (not Steve Wells, BTW)

Anonymous said...

Great post! I love your blog! It is a breath of fresh air and I enjoy your humor/wit! I am currently reading your annotated Book of Mormon and could not stop laughing my socks off when Nephi and company had to eat raw meat (sweetened by god), the weird compass/ball that floats around the desert, god physically shocking the hell out of Nephi's brothers, the use of "exceedingly" and "and it came to pass", the whole rant about Nephi's loins, Nephi's nameless women who birth in the desert, etc.

As I read, I've made a concerted effort to visualize the scenes and I'm laughing to the point of busting a gut! I was in Israel this summer and there is NO WAY anyone can trek from Jerusalem to the Red Sea (Eilat) in four days...ROFLMAO! I'm beginning to see the BOM as a dark comedy! I also love the fact that you don't censor your blog & allow all kinds of comments. Good for you! Thanks! I plan to be a regular reader & will recommend it! :D

christmasbb said...

Poor Steve! You are like a man who has locked himself in a round room and then decided to go sit in the corner.

I chose a church to support my spirituality. I chose one that accepts evolution, allows that the Bible is divinely inspired, and advises me that it is more like a library than a textbook. My religion/church tells me my library of divinely inspired books includes books of biography, history, poetry, myth, and recordkeeping. That library documents the history of mankind's relationship with God from the Judaic perspective through the first few years after Christ. The Qur`an documents the Arabic world's history of the relationship of man with God. Man has evolved.

Man once believed God would tell him (Abraham) to go kill his only begotten son (Isaac) as proof of faithfulness. Mankind evolved.

Man once believed the proper thing to do with a thief was to cut off his hand (Islamic law). Civilized societies don't believe that anymore.

If your religion does support your connection with ans understanding of the "divine whatever," try astronomy. But picking apart the sacred? Does that make you feel intelligent? I'm guessing you are cynical and resentful at some church that burned you, but any physician or religious person can advise you to drop the resentment and find something more constructive, less self-absorbed, to do with your time.

I choose to believe; when I enter the round room I choose to dance; not look for the corner.

But go right ahead; at least you are reading.


Stephen said...

Yes, I need to join a "feel-good" church that lets me cherry-pick the scriptures and call it "evolution". Thanks for that advice; enjoy your dance! :-)
Steve Weeks

Unknown said...

Oh! I read Richard Dawkins premature conclusion theories. He is absolutely ignorant (or chooses to be) of the fact that the universe let alone earth is too big and complex for him to be a know it all.
Steve, how will you know if Sister Briedge heals while you are against God like Lucifer and Vishnu put together?
I was almost like you, only I tried researching from the believers. I was humble and repent full for real coz I was very sick; I had diabetes that made me faint hopelessly, I was continuously depressed, I had no job, I was full of self pity, I was about to go nuts with the thought of does or doesn't God exists. I was obsessed with God.
One day I met the book by sister Briedge "miracles do happen". I read it all. So I prayed n promised 2go to church the next morning for the Eucharist even though I was not baptised or anything and Steve for the sake of just so yo I cried like a kid during that mass while. I felt happy that day and relieved, something that never happened when I talked to anyone else. I Kept saying in my head “Jesus go away for now please they'll think I am loosing it" and after mass I went straight to check diabetes, it was gone! The very same day my dad introduced me to this university principle and I got a job as a lecturer which I began the following Monday. And there is much more i could tell u, some are just extra ordinary coincidences and some are doubtlessly miracles. But that didn’t help like 2years later when prayers were not answered, I went back to reading "Does God exists blogs?" and the depression returned like a charm. Here I am in doubt again almost about to believe you.
When you tell an unbeliever about a miracle and they say "it's just in ur mind" its like smoking weed and telling someone you r high on weed and they say "no you are not high on weed, it's just psychological" you don't know what else to say to them.
Steve people don't hold on to the bible because it's so correctly perfect, it because of their walk with that big guy; God. People are not stupid, yes they are a little silly becoz they give ridiculous explanations when you point to them faults in the bible. All that is becoz they don't take the bible as a sign post to God written by normal men, with their own experiences and exaggerations and all.
BTW How'd did you know I thought it was Steve Wells? r u the devil? lol!

Jferrin said...

Tycoon, you mention that you have or had a job as a lecturer at a college... please tell me which college so I can avoid sending my children there. You have demonstrated an inability to write with even the most basic understanding of grammar and demonstrate a lackluster at best attempt at compiling cogent thoughts in a structured format.
You ramble and rant, proselytize and promote bullshit because you believe... you have no proof. Faith healing is bullshit. Prayer has proved ineffectual in every clinical study ever performed throughout the history of mankind. Your God does not exist. All proof points to undermine your credibility and that of your belief and yet you and your ilk continue to bleet on and on about the greatness of God and the love of your saviour. Do us all a favor, shut up. Keep your bat-shit insane craziness to yourself. We do not care about your imaginary friend. We do not care that you think he is better than everyone else's imaginary friends.

Unknown said...

Jferrin? It's called the world and not everyone speaks English or always writes in English in the world. You should know that since you know everything.
You get so mad as if you had gone to hell and back, how DARE U BELIEVE you know everything? You live in your little world and think you know everything. Who the fuck does your little mind tell you, you are? A Genius or a fucking Vishnu?
I am trying to learn about the truth here not spellings and how to write like Americans to please knowitalls like you. As far as supernatural powers are concerned, you must be possessed coz there is no way you can be that mad at God! Fuck my spelling mistakes go check your demonic temper!
And JSYK, we stone gays to death in my country so your adopted kids will’ve to make it to the admission office fatherless or "imaginary motherless".
You don't know shit yet! You little programmed imaginary mother!!!!

Stephen said...

Jferrin, I guess you lose the argument, you "little programmed imaginary mother!!"
I'm glad that rapier wit isn't turned in my direction. Oh wait, maybe it is!

Tycoon, I'm not the devil; the devil is just as imaginary as your god. It was a lucky guess.
I'm glad your diabetes is under control, but I'm afraid the "gold standard" for miracles is the restoration of an amputated limb to form and function. When I see credible evidence of that, I will be grovelling at the feet of the deity responsible. Of course, I'm not holding my breath.
Steve Weeks

Anonymous said...

Christmasbb brings up an interesting point concerning the Bible as a library. I first heard that analogy from a Catholic priest when I was in college. The priest told me that the Bible was like a library and that each book required a specific,specialized, "hermeneutical" approach. I became a librarian and I now see that the "library/Bible" must be weeded so that innocent bystanders don't end up dancing or squatting in a round room...or worse.

As a librarian, part of my job is to WEED my library every year. I use the acronym MUSTY to evaluate the collection after running my statistics reports. The "M" stands for MISLEADING so I weed books that are dated, contain obsolete information or racial, cultural, and sexual stereotyping. The "U" stands for ugly and refers to the physical condition of the book. The "S" stands for SUPERSEDED, newer editions are available. The "T" stands for TRIVIAL and I look for poor writing, inaccurate information,etc. The "Y" stands for "Your collection has no use for
the book.It is irrelevant to your

If we subject the Bible to MUSTY, I'm afraid we'd end up with a scrawny pamphlet, crumpled up somewhere in the 200 section of the Dewey Decimal System (religion and mythology)...I'm just sayin'... :D

Stephen said...

Carmelita, Thomas Jefferson did something like "MUSTY" to the New Testament... there's probably an acronym in there somewhere... using a razor blade.
That "M" thing you do... what about classics like "Huckleberry Finn"? Might that be included in "dated", "racist", "cultural", and so on?
Yes, the "library" analogy is OK to a point, but it helps to keep a skeptical eye on it (and the "Bullshit Detector" fully engaged). The different categories are scattered around, making it very difficult to believe the bible is "divinely inspired". Some of the books in *my* library, apart from the bible (RSV), are by Bart Ehrman... scholarly works that confirm that the bible is purely a product of human enterprise. I'm looking forward to adding the SAB to my shelf!
Steve Weeks

Jferrin said...

Tycoon, Not one part of my post claimed I know everything. The only thing I stated was that there is no evidence for any of your claims. None. In fact, every clinical study trying to prove your claims has turned up with squat. There is not a respected scientific journal on the planet that would publish a paper on faith healing as confirmed. Not a one would publish a paper touting the benefits of prayer. And the irony of you foaming at the mouth with anger at me, telling me to calm down when it is heaped on the irony of you telling me I think I know everything when you are teh one claiming to have a deeper understanding of reality and proof of God's existence is just too much.
I will concede that my post was not friendly. I used straight forward talk and did not beat around the bush when it came to the fact of your insanity/delusion. You believe in something despite evidence to the contrary. Just because it is important to you doesn't make that any less insane. Go look at any asylum and see how fervently the people there believe in their twisted little worlds.
Also, I do not "Believe" anything. I only take in what is observed and supported through experimentation and math. I do not make up hypothesis about the world and cling to them even when proof comes along debunking them. As we get deeper understanding, as new information comes to bear, my worldview changes. That is not the approach of a man who knows everything. You on the otherhand stay steadfast in your belief regardless of what new information is obtained. So, who is the "know-it-all"?
As for your English, well done taking on a second language (or maybe more). I do admit my assumption was you were a native speaker. My bad there.

Jferrin said...

Oh and Tycoon, my children are not adopted, nor am I gay. Nice veiled threat though about stoning me to death. Real great values you have there: Stone the people that disagree with you. Kill everyone that dare question your delusion.
There, there, don't get so worked up. Just wrap yourself in your cocoon of ignorance and block your eyes and ears and maybe, just maybe you can get back to that happy place in your mind where everything you want to be true, is.

patrickc said...

First of all, I think Jferrin was a straight out idiot to attack Tycoon on the first instance. The man (Tycoon) is just trying to share his experience. He has nothing to gain by doing so; but you might if you listen and have an open mind. I neither believe nor disbelieve what Tycoon says, but I must admit that Jferrin's reasoning does not possess much merit--at least no more than his assumptive nature.

patrickc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
patrickc said...

"You have demonstrated an inability to write with even the most basic understanding of grammar and demonstrate a lackluster at best attempt at compiling cogent thoughts in a structured format."

In the above sentence, Jferrin attacks Tycoon on the grounds that his grammar is bad. Yet the very sentence he uses to transport the attack is riddled with grammatical errors and a "lackluster at best attempt at compiling cogent thoughts in a structured format".

Let's look at the sentence a bit more closely. First, he uses "have demonstrated" which is an action that took place some time in the past and is concluded. In the same sentence, supposedly a "cogent thought in a structured format", he uses the present tense "demonstrate", which is an action that is happening "right now in real time".

At first glance, these idiots can blind anyone into "believing" they are intelligent, but as David says in Psalms, "the idiot says in his heart, there is no God". (Emphasis mine).