Surah 2:159-189 -- Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex

The section begins in the usual way. Allah repeats his threats and curses for non-believers, as he does throughout the Quran. Believe whatever Allah revealed to Muhammad or Allah torture you forever after you die.

Lo! Those who hide the proofs and the guidance which We revealed, after We had made it clear to mankind in the Scripture: such are accursed of Allah and accursed of those who have the power to curse. 2:159

This verse is a bit different than most, though. Allah will curse those who "hide the proofs and the guidance" that he revealed. But how can you hide things that don't exist? There are no proofs anywhere in the Quran and whatever guidance is there is almost always bad.

But it gives me an idea, though. Maybe instead of a "Burn the Quran Day" we should have a "Hide the Quran Day." Put it where the sun doesn't shine.

In any case, since I do my best to expose the Quran for the vicious bullshit that it is, I suppose verse 159 would apply to me. But verses 161-2 apply to everyone who disbelieves in the Quran, for whatever reason. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.

So every good Muslim man must join Allah and the angels in cursing nonbelievers.

Lo! Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They ever dwell therein. The doom will not be lightened for them, neither will they be reprieved. 2:161-2

Whoever hides the Quran will get fire in his belly. (So that's where I got the fire in my belly!) And after they die they will get that painful doom that Allah is always promising in the Quran. "How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire!"

Lo! those who hide aught of the Scripture which Allah hath revealed and purchase a small gain therewith, they eat into their bellies nothing else than fire. ... Theirs will be a painful doom. Those are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, and torment at the price of pardon. How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire! 2:174-5

Yeah, that's right Allah. We unbelievers are just begging to have our skins burned off repeatedly after we die. It's about all we ever think about.

After Allah curses and threatens the unbelievers, he calls them names, like deaf, dumb, blind, and senseless.

The likeness of those who disbelieve (in relation to the messenger) is as the likeness of one who calleth unto that which heareth naught except a shout and cry. Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.2:171

Then Allah gets tired of cursing, threatening, and name-calling, and he gets down to some more practical matters. Don't eat carrion, blood, pork, or animals that have been sacrificed to other gods.

He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. 2:173

And then he says something nice for a change.

Giveth wealth ... to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free ... and payeth the poor-due. 2:177

"Set the slaves free." Does this mean that slavery is forbidden in the Quran? Don't ask me, I'm just one of those deaf, dumb, blind, senseless, and cursed unbelievers.

But I guess not. The next verse answers the question.

O ye who believe! Retaliation is prescribed for you in the matter of the murdered; the freeman for the freeman, and the slave for the slave, and the female for the female. ... He who transgresseth after this will have a painful doom. 2:178

If someone murders your slave, then you get to kill one of his. If it was a male that was killed, you kill one of the killer's male slaves. If a female, you kill a female. Murder for murder. Slave for slave. It all works out swell with Allah's wondrous rules. (Oh, and if you don't follow them, you'll have the usual painful doom.)

And there is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)

And there is life for you in retaliation, O men of understanding, that ye may ward off (evil). 2:179

The Republicans should like the next verse, though. It forbids what Tea Baggers they like to call the "death tax." So when rich Muslims die, they must leave all of their wealth to their families.

It is prescribed for you, when death approacheth one of you, if he leave wealth, that he bequeath unto parents and near relatives in kindness. (This is) a duty for all those who ward off (evil). 2:180

The section ends with rules for fasting and Ramadan, which are too boring to go through. But all Muslims must follow them "to ward off evil."

The good news is that it's OK to have sex with your wives during Ramadan (at least after sunset). In fact you must "hold intercourse with them." All of them. It is your sacred Muslim duty.

It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. ... So hold intercourse with them. 2:87

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Bogging the Quran

2: 190-217 -- Allah's rules for holy warfare

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Forget Jesus. The stars died so you could live.

That's just one of the many great quotes from this Lawrence Krauss lecture.

1 Nephi 14: There are only two churches - the church of God (the Mormons) and the church of the devil (everyone else)

Nephi's angel finally stops talking in this chapter. But he saved his best stuff for last.
Once again it's important to keep in mind the historical context of the angel's revelations to Nephi. This was 600 BCE, before most of the books in the Hebrew scriptures were written, about 700 years before the Christian New Testament existed, nearly 1000 years before the canon of the Christian Bible was established, and 2423 years before Joseph Smith found his golden plates. Yet the angel refers to, and often quotes from, all of these sources.
The angel starts off by giving all of you "gentiles" out there in "the promised land" a bit of hope. ("Gentiles" are non-Mormons and "the promised land" is the United States in Mormon-speak).

And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God ... And harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, ... and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever. 1 Nephi 14:1-2

All you have to do is become a Mormon and then everything will be cool. Otherwise -- well, you probably know what the otherwise is, but if not, just wait a few verses and the angel will tell you.
Remember the "great and abominable church founded by the devil" (the Catholic church) that the angel went on and on about in the last chapter? Well, it's back. And this time it's dug a pit, with the devil's help, to lead folks down to hell.

And that great pit, which hath been digged for them by that great and abominable church, which was founded by the devil and his children, that he might lead away the souls of men down to hell. 1 Nephi 14:3

So if you're a gentile, you've only got two choices: become a Mormon or fall into the Catholic pit that leads to hell.

And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, Nephi, saying: Thou hast beheld that if the Gentiles repent it shall be well with them ... [but] whoso repenteth not must perish. Therefore, wo be unto the Gentiles if it so be that they harden their hearts against the Lamb of God. 1 Nephi 14:5-6

Next, the angel tells Nephi that the lamb of God (Jesus) says that the time will come (2423 years later) when a 17 year old treasure digger from New York (Joseph Smith) will find some golden plates and translate them by staring into his hat at some magic rocks thereby producing the "great and marvelous work" that we now know as the Book of Mormon and that you and I now have the great pleasure of reading.
This book is, according to the angel, the best and most important book by far that you, me, or anyone else will ever read. And we'll be tortured forever after we die unless we believe it.

For the time cometh, saith the Lamb of God, that I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall be everlasting, either on the one hand or on the other -- either to the convincing of them unto peace and life eternal, or unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds unto their being brought down into captivity, and also into destruction, both temporally and spiritually, according to the captivity of the devil, of which I have spoken. 1 Nephi 14:7

Then the angel shows Nephi the Catholic church again.

And it came to pass that he said unto me: Look, and behold that great and abominable church, which is the mother of abominations, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:9

And then the angel says something completely different. He tells Nephi that there aren't many churches (there weren't any churches at the time, of course), there are only two churches: God's and Satan's. Lutherans, Presbyterians, Jehovah's Witnesses, Unitarians, whatever -- they're all the same. They all belong to "that great church, which is the mother of abominations ... the whore of all the earth that sat upon many waters."
All non-Mormons are God-damned Catholics in the eyes of God.

And he said unto me: Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth. And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the whore of all the earth, and she sat upon many waters; and she had dominion over all the earth, among all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people. 1 Nephi 14:10-11

Then the angel showed Nephi the Mormon church. There weren't many Mormons, though, because of that fucking whore that sat on many waters.

And it came to pass that I beheld the church of the Lamb of God, and its numbers were few, because of the wickedness and abominations of the whore who sat upon many waters; nevertheless, I beheld that the church of the Lamb, who were the saints of God, were also upon all the face of the earth; and their dominions upon the face of the earth were small, because of the wickedness of the great whore whom I saw. 1 Nephi 14:12

God hated pretty much everyone on earth (they were all just a bunch of Catholics to him) until the Mormons showed up.

And it came to pass that I beheld that the wrath of God was poured out upon that great and abominable church, insomuch that there were wars and rumors of wars among all the nations and kindreds of the earth. And as there began to be wars and rumors of wars among all the nations which belonged to the mother of abominations, the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold, the wrath of God is upon the mother of harlots; and behold, thou seest all these things -- And when the day cometh that the wrath of God is poured out upon the mother of harlots, which is the great and abominable church of all the earth, whose founder is the devil, then, at that day, the work of the Father shall commence. 1 Nephi 14:15-17

Then the angel told Nephi to look over there. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of Revelation about 700 years from now. (Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well.)

And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying: Look! And I looked and beheld a man, and he was dressed in a white robe. And the angel said unto me: Behold one of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. ... he shall also write concerning the end of the world. ... And I, Nephi, heard and bear record, that the name of the apostle of the Lamb was John, according to the word of the angel. 1 Nephi 14:18-22, 27

The white-robed guy will write things that are just and true just like everything else that is written in "the book that proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew." ("The book that prceeded out of the mouth of the Jew" is BoM-speak for the Bible.)

Wherefore, the things which he shall write are just and true; and behold they are written in the book which thou beheld proceeding out of the mouth of the Jew; and at the time they proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew, or, at the time the book proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew, the things which were written were plain and pure, and most precious and easy to the understanding of all men. 1 Nephi 14:23

And that's all Nephi is going to say about that. The angel won't let him say any more. So don't ask. But the angel showed Nephi lots of other cool stuff that he can't tell you about right now.

And behold, I, Nephi, am forbidden that I should write the remainder of the things which I saw and heard; wherefore the things which I have written sufficeth me; and I have written but a small part of the things which I saw. 1 Nephi 14:28

Finally the angel stopped talking and Nephi quit writing down the things that he saw while he got all carried away. But it's all true. And thus it is. Amen. 10-4 good buddy. Over and out.

And now I make an end of speaking concerning the things which I saw while I was carried away in the spirit; and if all the things which I saw are not written, the things which I have written are true. And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 14:30

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 1 Nephi 15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)

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Unitarian Sex: Doug Wilson explains why masturbation is wrong

I know, I've been spending way too much time with Doug Wilson. People are beginning to talk. But I can't help it. He's such a fun guy to hang out with.

Doug's latest post explains why masturbation is so dreadfully wrong. It has to do with Jesus and the church.

It goes like this.

Jesus never married, not when he was alive anyway. But later on, after he was dead, he married the church. And he and the church have been doing what comes naturally to normal heterosexual couples ever since.

Now if a man (Who gives a shit about women?) has sex with himself, well, that's like Jesus having sex, not with the church, but with himself. Which is really kind of creepy. And after Jesus has Unitarian sex with himself, he has to cut off his hand or pluck out his eye, or maybe even stone himself to death. (And he's already dead.) You wouldn't want to see that happen, now would you?

So remember, every time you masturbate, Jesus does too -- and then he stones himself to death after cutting off his hand and plucking out an eye. Think about that while you're masturbating to Christine O'Donnell!

Here's Doug's quote. It sounds so much better the way he says it.

And all men, single or married, should recognize that solitary sex is not the normative biblical pattern. Recalling that the love between a man and woman is a picture of Christ and the church, we should note that, quite apart from the moral and self-discipline issues involved, masturbation is lousy theology.

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Randomdude123, whose comment I mistakenly deleted (I've asked him to repost), has brought up an important point. Jesus is the husband and the church is his bride. So when a male member of the church masturbates, Jesus is like Christine O'Donnell saying, "Why am I here?" Jesus wants to have sex with you, but you're busy having UU sex with yourself.

But that would be a good thing, wouldn't it? If Jesus has sex with a male church member, then we'd have to kill him according to Leviticus 20:13. So by masturbating you are saving Jesus. Or something like that.

If you want to know for sure, go ask Doug.

The Moral Landscape: Get off your ass scientists

OK. That’s not really the title to the book. It was Jon Stewart’s suggested title during his interview of Sam Harris on the Daily Show. But as Sam said, it would have made a good subtitle.

It’s time for us all (scientists and non-scientists) to get off our asses and get to work.

For too long the semi-official position among scientists and other otherwise reasonable people has been this with regard to morality: Science has nothing to say about it. But it does. In fact, it is the only way we have of getting our morals right.

Obi-Wan Kenobi isn’t our only hope. Science is.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sam Harris
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Rally to Restore Sanity

It was an interesting interview, but the part I liked best was this:

The God of Abraham gets slavery wrong. Slavery is probably the easiest moral question we’ve ever had to face. And if this book [the Bible] was written by an omniscient deity, the true source of moral wisdom in the universe, it should at least get the question of whether it’s right to own people and treat them like farm equipment right. It doesn’t get that question right. The God of Abraham clearly expects us to keep slaves.

One of the reasons I haven't been posting much lately is that I've been harassing Doug Wilson at his blog. (The other is that I'm reading Sam Harris' new book.) I've especially been pestering him on the issue of slavery, which he used to call "a wonderful issue" about which "the Bible speaks most directly, again and again."

Here’s what he said in Southern Slavery As It Was.

The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented in this booklet is that we will say (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. But this "inflammatory" position is the very point upon which the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. In other words, more people will struggle with what we are saying at the point where the Bible speaks most clearly. There is no exegetical vagueness here.
...
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, and it acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe?

I'm trying to find out if Mr. Wilson still believes that slavery is "wonderful issue." I'm guessing that he doesn't, since he no longer likes to talk (out loud) about it.

I wonder if he agrees more now with the Bible or with Sam Harris?

I'll let you know if I get an answer.

(I recommend that you all visit Doug's blog. But if you do, be nice. Don't call the folks over there ignorant sluts. That really makes them mad.)

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October 7th Update: Apparently Doug Wilson's view of slavery hasn't changed, at least it was the same in 2005 when he published Black and Tan. Here are some excepts.

The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented here is that I am saying (out lout) that a godly man in 1850 could have been a slave owner. But this “inflammatory” position is the very point where the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. p.46
…
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, malum in se, and it acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians in slave-owning cultures to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe? p.46
…
The radical abolitionist maintained that slave-owning was inherently evil under any circumstances. But in this matter, the Christians who owned slaves in the South were on firm scriptural ground. May a Christian own slaves, even when this makes him part of a larger pagan system which is not fully scriptural, or perhaps not scriptural at all? Provided he owns them in conformity to Christ’s laws governing such situations, the Bible is clear that under such conditions Christians may own slaves. p.51
…
The bible teaches that a man may be a faithful Christian and a slave-owner in a pagan slave system. p.52
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As far as the apostle [Paul] was concerned, nothing can be plainer than the fact that a Christian could simultaneously be a slave owner and a member in good standing of the Christian church. p.52
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But apart from the slave trade, in a slave-holding society owning slaves per se was not an abomination. The Bible does not condemn it outright, and those who believe the Bible are bound to refrain in the same way. p.55
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It is time for us to stand and declare the truth about slavery and to expose the failures of the abolitionist worldview.p.58
…
When we set aside the teaching of Scripture on slavery, and begin to equivocate on what the Bible actually teaches, it was soon discovered that nonbelievers would not let us get away with it. It turns out that there are actual non-Christians out there who have read the Bible and who know what it says. p.62

So I guess Doug Wilson and I don't agree on everything anymore.