How many animals must you sacrifice to God each year? (According to the Bible)

There are 85 commandments in the Bible that involve animal sacrifice, and some of the instructions are a bit hard to follow. So I'll try to summarize them for you.

Here are the sacrifices that everyone must make. (See the links for the details.)

• Two lambs every day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

• Two lambs every Saturday.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs on the first day of every month.

• One bull, one ram, and six lambs on each new moon.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs at harvest time.

• One bull, two rams, nine lambs, and a goat fifty days after harvest.

• One bull, one ram, seven lambs, and a young goat on the first day of the seventh month.

• Twelve bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the second day of the seventh month.

• Eleven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the third day of the seventh month.

• Ten bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the fourth day of the seventh month.

• Nine bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the fifth day of the seventh month.

• Eight bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the sixth day of the seventh month.

• Seven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the seventh day of the seventh month.

• One bull, two rams, seven lambs, and a goat on the eighth day of the seventh month.

• One bull, one ram, seven lambs, and a young goat on the tenth day of the seventh month.

• Thirteen bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a young goat on the fifteenth day of the seventh month.

• On the tenth day of the first month (Nisan), find an unblemished lamb and kill it on the evening of the 14th day.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs on each of the seven days of Passover.

• One bull, one ram, and one goat on Yom Kippur.

So to obey God, you must kill 1367 animals each year -- 127 bulls, 53 rams, 1175 lambs, and 12 goats.

And that's just the baseline. Other animal sacrifices are required in special circumstances. For example:

• If a woman has an unusually long (more than seven days) or irregular menstrual flow, she must kill two doves or pigeons, one as a sin offering and the other as a burnt offering.

• After childbirth, the mother must kill a lamb for a burnt offering and a dove or pigeon for a sin offering.

• On the eighth day after a man recovers from having an infected penis, he must bring two doves or two pigeons to a priest who will kill one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering.

• On the eighth day after recovering from leprosy, you must kill two unblemished rams and one year-old unblemished lamb If you can't afford the rams and lamb, kill two doves or pigeons instead. (Either way, be sure to have a priest smear the animal's blood on the tip of your right ear, and on your right thumb, and on your right big toe.)

• All of your firstborn donkeys must be redeemed either by killing a lamb or breaking the donkey's neck.

• If you break certain commandments, then you must confess that you have sinned and kill a female lamb or young goat as a trespass offering. If you can't afford a lamb, kill two doves or pigeons instead.

• If you sin against your neighbor by lying, stealing, or violence, kill an unblemished ram as a trespass offering.

• If you sin through ignorance, kill a young unblemished female sheep or goat.

• If you sin without knowing it, you are still guilty. Kill an unblemished ram for a trespass offering.

• If you unknowingly defile some holy things, kill an unblemished ram or pay the priests whatever such a ram is worth. In addition you must pay the priests a 20% fine.

OK, that's pretty much it. It's enough to get you started, anyway.

Just make sure that you do all of these sacrifices. Otherwise God will smite you with hemorrhoids, have your wife raped, and force you eat your own children.

Jesus self-identifies as white (according to the Bible, anyway)

According to Don Asmussen at Bad Reporter, Jesus and his dad disagree about Jesus's race. Jesus self-identifies as white; his father says he is Middle Eastern.

But what does the Bible say about it?

Well, there's not much to go on in the gospels. Jesus didn't say anything about his race, and neither did his father or anyone else. But all that changes in the book of Revelation.

Jesus completely comes out and self-identifies as white in the first chapter of Revelation. Here's what he said:

Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth ... Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last ... And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw ... one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength. And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last: I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Revelation 1:5-17

So that pretty much settles it. Jesus is white -- as white as snow. (He also has flame-red eyes, feet of brass, seven stars in his hand, the keys to hell and death, and a sword sticking out of his mouth.)

Here's his self-portrait.

(From The Brick Testament)

Alma 49: A Gigantic Wall

In the last chapter, the Lamanites were getting ready to fight Moroni and his people. But when they approached the city of Ammonihah, they realized that they couldn't kill them, because Moroni's army had built a huge dirt wall around the city. The wall was so high that the Lamanites couldn't throw rocks or shoot arrows over it effectively, except near the entrance.

And now it came to pass in the eleventh month of the nineteenth year, on the tenth day of the month, the armies of the Lamanites were seen approaching towards the land of Ammonihah. Alma 49:1 

And behold, the city had been rebuilt, and Moroni had stationed an army by the borders of the city, and they had cast up dirt round about to shield them from the arrows and the stones of the Lamanites; for behold, they fought with stones and with arrows. Alma 49:2

Behold, I said that the city of Ammonihah had been rebuilt. I say unto you, yea, that it was in part rebuilt; and because the Lamanites had destroyed it once because of the iniquity of the people, they supposed that it would again become an easy prey for them. 49:3 

But behold, how great was their disappointment; for behold, the Nephites had dug up a ridge of earth round about them, which was so high that the Lamanites could not cast their stones and their arrows at them that they might take effect, neither could they come upon them save it was by their place of entrance. 49:4

The chief captains of the Lamanites were astonished at the wisdom of the Nephites. (I would have been astonished, too! That must have taken a while. I'm not sure if it was a wise use of time, exactly, but certainly impressive.)

Now at this time the chief captains of the Lamanites were astonished exceedingly, because of the wisdom of the Nephites in preparing their places of security. 49:5

The Lamanites thought that the Nephites would be easy pickings, especially since they were so prepared this time. Usually the Lamanites fought pretty much naked, with just a leather loincloth, but this time they came fully armed with breastplates, shields, and very thick garments to cover their nakedness. They were ready to either kill the Nephites, or to at least make them slaves.

Now the leaders of the Lamanites had supposed, because of the greatness of their numbers, yea, they supposed that they should be privileged to come upon them as they had hitherto done; yea, and they had also prepared themselves with shields, and with breastplates; and they had also prepared themselves with garments of skins, yea, very thick garments to cover their nakedness. 49:6 

And being thus prepared they supposed that they should easily overpower and subject their brethren to the yoke of bondage, or slay and massacre them according to their pleasure. 49:7

But once the Lamanite army saw the huge walls, and Moroni's well-prepared army, they weren't so sure. They needed a little encouragement from Amalickiah if they were to fight, but Amalickiah didn't come down to lead the charge. His commanders didn't order the attack, either, and the whole army retreated into the wilderness.

But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni. 49:8

And it came to pass that the Lamanites, or the Amalickiahites, were exceedingly astonished at their manner of preparation for war. 49:9

Now, if king Amalickiah had come down out of the land of Nephi, at the head of his army, perhaps he would have caused the Lamanites to have attacked the Nephites at the city of Ammonihah; for behold, he did care not for the blood of his people. 49:10

But behold, Amalickiah did not come down himself to battle. And behold, his chief captains durst not attack the Nephites at the city of Ammonihah, for Moroni had altered the management of affairs among the Nephites, insomuch that the Lamanites were disappointed in their places of retreat and they could not come upon them. 49:11 

Therefore they retreated into the wilderness. 49:12a

From the wilderness, Amalickiah's army decided to march toward the land of Noah. Historically, the land of Noah wasn't very well defended. Unfortunately for the Lamanite army, Moroni had fortified it along with all of the other cities. Before they even saw the fortifications, though, Amalickiah's captains took an oath that they would destroy the people in the land of Noah.

Therefore they ... took their camp and marched towards the land of Noah, supposing that to be the next best place for them to come against the Nephites. 49:12b For they knew not that Moroni had fortified, or had built forts of security, for every city in all the land round about; therefore, they marched forward to the land of Noah with a firm determination; yea, their chief captains came forward and took an oath that they would destroy the people of that city. 49:13

 Once they got to the city of Noah, they saw that it had been heavily fortified. (It was actually all part of Moroni's plan -- he knew that the Lamanites would think to attack the land of Noah, so he built it up extra strong... I guess...) Also, Lehi was chief captain over the city, and Amalickiah's men knew Lehi to be a powerful general. Still, they had sworn an oath, so they had to fight.

But behold, to their astonishment, the city of Noah, which had hitherto been a weak place, had now, by the means of Moroni, become strong, yea, even to exceed the strength of the city Ammonihah. 49:14

And now, behold, this was wisdom in Moroni; for he had supposed that they would be frightened at the city Ammonihah; and as the city of Noah had hitherto been the weakest part of the land, therefore they would march thither to battle; and thus it was according to his desires. 49:15

And behold, Moroni had appointed Lehi to be chief captain over the men of that city; and it was that same Lehi who fought with the Lamanites in the valley on the east of the river Sidon. 49:16 

And now behold it came to pass, that when the Lamanites had found that Lehi commanded the city they were again disappointed, for they feared Lehi exceedingly; nevertheless their chief captains had sworn with an oath to attack the city; therefore, they brought up their armies. 49:17

The Lamanites couldn't get into the city any way besides the entrance of the city, because the walls were so high everywhere else. Also, the Nephites were ready, with stones and arrows to kill anyone who tried to climb the ramparts. They also had a guard of their strongest men near the entrance, which they knew was the weakest.

Now behold, the Lamanites could not get into their forts of security by any other way save by the entrance, because of the highness of the bank which had been thrown up, and the depth of the ditch which had been dug round about, save it were by the entrance. 49:18 

And thus were the Nephites prepared to destroy all such as should attempt to climb up to enter the fort by any other way, by casting over stones and arrows at them. 49:19 

Thus they were prepared, yea, a body of their strongest men, with their swords and their slings, to smite down all who should attempt to come into their place of security by the place of entrance; and thus were they prepared to defend themselves against the Lamanites. 49:20

So the Lamanite army attacked at the entrance, but they were slaughtered, and driven back. They then attempted to sort of dig the wall down, which didn't work very well either. Who would have guessed?

About 1000 Lamanites were slain in this battle, and not a single Nephite was killed.

And it came to pass that the captains of the Lamanites brought up their armies before the place of entrance, and began to contend with the Nephites, to get into their place of security; but behold, they were driven back from time to time, insomuch that they were slain with an immense slaughter. 49:21 

Now when they found that they could not obtain power over the Nephites by the pass, they began to dig down their banks of earth that they might obtain a pass to their armies, that they might have an equal chance to fight; but behold, in these attempts they were swept off by the stones and arrows which were thrown at them; and instead of filling up their ditches by pulling down the banks of earth, they were filled up in a measure with their dead and wounded bodies. 49:22 

Thus the Nephites had all power over their enemies; and thus the Lamanites did attempt to destroy the Nephites until their chief captains were all slain; yea, and more than a thousand of the Lamanites were slain; while, on the other hand, there was not a single soul of the Nephites which was slain. 49:23

We get a surprising amount of details with this battle. Apparently 50 men were injured, but just in their legs, because the rest of their bodies were covered up.

There were about fifty who were wounded, who had been exposed to the arrows of the Lamanites through the pass, but they were shielded by their shields, and their breastplates, and their head-plates, insomuch that their wounds were upon their legs, many of which were very severe. 49:24

More importantly, all of the Lamanite chief captains were slain in the battle. They went back to the land of Nephi, and told their king, Amalickiah, about the lost battle. The king wasn't too happy -- he cursed God, and Moroni, and swore an oath to drink Moroni's blood.

And it came to pass, that when the Lamanites saw that their chief captains were all slain they fled into the wilderness. And it came to pass that they returned to the land of Nephi, to inform their king, Amalickiah, who was a Nephite by birth, concerning their great loss. 49:25 

And it came to pass that he was exceedingly angry with his people, because he had not obtained his desire over the Nephites; he had not subjected them to the yoke of bondage. 49:26 

Yea, he was exceedingly wroth, and he did curse God, and also Moroni, swearing with an oath that he would drink his blood; and this because Moroni had kept the commandments of God in preparing for the safety of his people. 49:27

 In contrast, the Nephites thanked God for helping protect them, and they enjoyed peace and prosperity in the land.

And it came to pass, that on the other hand, the people of Nephi did thank the Lord their God, because of his matchless power in delivering them from the hands of their enemies. 49:28 

Yea, and there was continual peace among them, and exceedingly great prosperity in the church because of their heed and diligence which they gave unto the word of God, which was declared unto them by Helaman, and Shiblon, and Corianton, and Ammon and his brethren, yea, and by all those who had been ordained by the holy order of God, being baptized unto repentance, and sent forth to preach among the people. 49:30

What is the most important thing a person can do? (According to Hillary Clinton)

To study and learn what the Bible says.

That's what she said to a man that she saw reading a Bible at a campaign stop in South Carolina.

You're doing what is the most important thing to do, it's continuing to study and learn what the scripture says and what it means.

And in an interview with the New York Times, she said that the Bible is her favorite book; it's what made her what she is today.

Now I very much doubt that Hillary Clinton believes any of this. Studying the Bible isn't the most important thing a person can do, it isn't her favorite book, and it hasn't made her what she is today (Whatever the hell that is). She's just saying whatever she thinks she needs to say to get elected.

To which I say: Run Bernie Run!

A Question for Ken Ham: Why not have sex with animals?

Ken Ham is mad at Miley Cyrus because she said this in an interview with Paper magazine:

I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn't involve an animal and everyone is of age. Everything that's legal, I'm down with. Yo, I'm down with any adult -- anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me," she said. "I don't relate to being boy or girl, and I don't have to have my partner relate to boy or girl.

So Ken Ham's question for Miley is this: "Why not have sex with an animal?"

Of course Miley already answered the question by saying she was open to "every single thing that is consenting" -- and it's hard to get non-human animals to consent to sex.

But Ham's question is much more difficult for Bible believers, since according to the Bible God created animals to provide a "help meet" (spouse) for Adam.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18-20

God's original plan for marriage was for Adam to select an animal for a "help meet."

It turned out (apparently to God's surprise and disappointment) that none of God's creatures had what it takes to satisfy Adam. So God had to come up with Plan B by creating a woman.

So my question to Ken Ham is this: Why not have sex with animals? Isn't that what God created them for?