Elisha and the dead boy

I've been busy working on another project lately that involves this Bible story. So I thought I'd share it with you, since I haven't had time for posting lately.

It's about Elisha. You know, the prophet who sent two bears to kill 42 boys for making fun of his bald head.

The story begins when a woman from Shunem befriends Elisha. She immediately recognized him as a man of God, so she fed him and convinced her husband to give him a place to stay.

Elisha passed to Shunem, where was a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And so it was, that as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this is an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually. Let us make a little chamber, I pray thee, on the wall; and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither. 2 Kings 4:8-10

So Elisha stayed in the room they made for him.

And... he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there. 2 Kings 4:11

Elisha wanted to repay the woman and her husband. So he asked his servant, Gehazi, to look into it. Gehazi said, “Well, she has no children and her husband is old.”

He said to Gehazi his servant … What then is to be done for her? And Gehazi answered, Verily she hath no child, and her husband is old. 4:12-14

Which gave Elisha an idea. He'd make the old woman pregnant!

He said, Call her. And when he had called her, she stood in the door. And he said, About this season, according to the time of life, thou shalt embrace a son. 4:15

The woman thought that was a crazy idea. She and her husband were too old to have kids.

And she said, Nay, my lord, thou man of God, do not lie unto thine handmaid. 4:16

But Elisha made her pregnant anyway. And she had a baby boy. (Boys always result from miracle pregnancies in the Bible.)

And the woman conceived, and bare a son at that season that Elisha had said unto her, according to the time of life. 4:17

Years later, the boy was out helping his dad when he grabbed his head and cried out, “My head, My head.”

When the child was grown, it fell on a day, that he went out to his father to the reapers. And he said unto his father, My head, my head. 4:18-19

And by the time they got back to the house, the boy was dead.

And when he had taken him, and brought him to his mother, he sat on her knees till noon, and then died. 4:20

The woman put her dead son on Elisha’s bed and went to find Elisha on Mount Carmel.

And she went up, and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and shut the door upon him, and went out. So she went and came unto the man of God to mount Carmel. 4:21-25

When she found him, she said, “Why did you give me a son? I didn’t ask for one!”

Then she said, Did I desire a son of my lord? did I not say, Do not deceive me? 4:28

Elisha responded by telling Gehazi to gird his loins, go back to Shunem, and lay Elisha’s staff on the face of the child.

He said to Gehazi, Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand, and go thy way … and lay my staff upon the face of the child. 4:29

So Gehazi traveled to Shunem and laid Elisha’s staff on the dead boy’s face. (The body must have been getting a bit stinky by now since Shunem is 15 miles from Mount Carmel.)

And Gehazi ... laid the staff upon the face of the child. 4:31a

But Shucks! The magic trick didn’t work.

But there was neither voice, nor hearing. 4:31b

Gehazi went back to Mount Carmel to tell Elisha the bad news.

Wherefore he went again to meet him, and told him, saying, The child is not awaked. 4:31c

So Elisha returned to Shunem to take care of things himself. When he arrived, he went into the room, closed the door, and prayed to God.

And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, and laid upon his bed. He went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the LORD. 4:32-33

Then he lay down on top of the dead boy's body, placing his mouth on the boy's mouth, his eyes on the boy’s eyes, and his hands on the boy’s hands.

And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands. 4:34a

While still in this position, he stretched himself upon the dead boy's body until the flesh began to warm.

And [he] stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm. 4:34b

But Elisha still wasn’t through. He got off of the boy and walked around a bit.

Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro. 4:35a

Then he lay down on top of the warming body until the boy sneezed  seven times.

And [he] went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times. 4:35b

And with that, the boy opened his eyes.

And the child opened his eyes. 2 Kings 4:35c

Jehoram of Israel

Remember when God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king? You might have thought that that would be the end of it. But no. God still had Ahab's family to kill. It was sort of his way of paying it forward.
The story is a bit complicated, but it starts with Elisha, who called one of "the children of the prophets" and told him to "gird his loins," get some oil, and go anoint Jehu as king of Israel. (You know you're in for some big-time prophet action when Elisha tells you to grab some oil and gird your loins.)

Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil ... And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu ... and ... take the box of oil, and pour it on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. 2 Kings 9:1-3

So that's what that son of a prophet did. He girded his loins and made Jehu king.
Then he told the new king that God had a job for him.

Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel. 2 Kings 9:6-7

Just in case it wasn't clear, the son of the prophet elaborated a bit. God wanted Jehu to kill everyone in Ahab's family, especially those that had ever "pissed against a wall."

For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 2 Kings 9:8

He reminded Jehu of the last two families that God had executed: Jeroboam's and Baasha's. He wanted Jehu to go and do likewise to Ahab's family.

I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... and Baasha. 2 Kings 9:9

But there was one person that God wanted more than just dead. Ahab's wife, Jezebel, was to be not just killed, but fed to the dogs, so that there would be nothing left of her body to bury.

And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 2 Kings 9:10

And that was the end of the message from God.
(As you may have noticed by now, God has a one-track mind.)
So Jehu took off in his chariot to get started on God's killings. When people saw him coming, they'd say, "That must be Jehu because he's driving like crazy." (Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers.)

And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. 2 Kings 9:20

It wasn't long before Jehu found God's first victim: Ahab's son, Jehoram -- a wall-pisser if there ever was one!
So Jehu did what God told him to do. He shot him right through the heart and threw his dead body in the field of Naboth, "according to the word of the Lord."

Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart ... Then said Jehu to Bidkar his captain ... cast him into the plat of ground, according to the word of the LORD. 2 Kings 9:24-26

And so died the first wall-pisser in Ahab's family.
Then Jehu got back in his chariot and drove off furiously to find the rest.

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God's next killing: Jezebel

God calls for a seven year famine

Well, there's not much to say about this one. It all happens in a single verse. 

Then spake Elisha unto the woman, whose son he had restored to life, saying, Arise, and go thou and thine household, and sojourn wheresoever thou canst sojourn: for the LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. 2 Kings 8.1

God called for a seven year famine. The Bible doesn't say why God did this.

But I guess God can starve people to death if he wants to, for any reason, or for no reason at all.

The Bible doesn't say how many God starved to death in the seven year famine, so I'll just guess 7000, 1000 per year.

God's next killing: Jehoram of Israel

A skeptic is trampled to death

There was a famine in Samaria that was so severe that a donkey's head and a cup of bird dung sold for 80 and 5 shekels of silver, respectively. (About 500 and 32 current U.S. dollars)

There was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver. 2 Kings 6.25

And women were busy negotiating a schedule for eating each other's sons.

This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him. 6.28

But Elisha and God said things were about to change. Tomorrow, 7.5 liters of flour and 15 liters of barley will sell for 1 shekel of silver. (About 6 current U.S. dollars)

Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria. 7.1

An officer overheard Elisha's forecast for the commodities market, and he didn't believe it would happen. He said that even if God made it rain, prices wouldn't fall so much in a single day.

Then a lord on whose hand the king leaned answered the man of God, and said, Behold, if the LORD would make windows in heaven, might this thing be? 7.2a

Elisha responded that the skeptical officer would see it happen, but wouldn't be able to take advantage of the low prices. (Because he'd be dead.)

Behold, thou shalt see it with thine eyes, but shalt not eat thereof. 7.2b

Later that day, God made the Syrians hear things. The whole Syrian army heard the noise of non-existent chariots, horses, and soldiers. It was one massive, God-induced, collective, auditory hallucination. It was like the entire army was on a bad acid trip, and it scared the hell out of them.

The LORD had made the host of the Syrians to hear a noise of chariots, and a noise of horses, even the noise of a great host: and they said one to another, Lo, the king of Israel hath hired against us the kings of the Hittites, and the kings of the Egyptians, to come upon us. 7.6

So the Syrian army left Samaria because of the noises that God put in their heads.

Wherefore they arose and fled in the twilight, and left their tents, and their horses, and their asses, even the camp as it was, and fled for their life. 7.7

And the price of commodities fell, just like God and Elisha predicted.

So a measure of fine flour was sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, according to the word of the LORD. 7.16

But what happened to the skeptical officer?

He was trampled to death.

And the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate: and the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died, as the man of God had said ... And so it fell out unto him: for the people trode upon him in the gate, and he died. 7:17-20

(I don’t know if God caused this to happen or not. But it seems pretty clear that he approved of it.)

God's next killing: God's seven year famine

Leprosy shall cleave unto thee and unto thy seed forever.

That's what Elisha said to his servant, Gehazi. And when Elisha speaks, he speaks for God.

So God gave Gehazi and all of his descendants leprosy. He had a reason, of course. He always has a reason. But it really doesn't matter what it was, does it? The punishment was unjustified no matter what the crime may have been.

But I suppose I should tell the story anyway.

It all starts out well enough, with Elisha curing a man named Naaman of leprosy by having him wash seven times in the Jordan River.

Then went he down, and dipped himself seven times in Jordan, according to the saying of the man of God: and his flesh came again like unto the flesh of a little child, and he was clean. 2 Kings 5:14

Naaman offered to pay Elisha for the cure, but Elisha refused his offer. Gehazi, Elisha's servant, thought a payment was reasonable, though, so he went to talk to Naaman about it.

Gehazi told Naaman that Elisha wanted a talent of silver (about 35 kg) and two sets of clothing.

My master hath sent me, saying, Behold, even now there be come to me from mount Ephraim two young men of the sons of the prophets: give them, I pray thee, a talent of silver, and two changes of garments. 2 Kings 5:22

Naaman thought that was reasonable enough, so he gave him the silver and clothes.

When Gehazi returned, Elisha asked him where he went, and he said, "thy servant went no whither." ("I didn't go anywhere.")

But Elisha, like God, knows pretty much everything, so he knew Gehazi was lying about that. So Elisha cursed Gehazi and all of his descendants with leprosy.

The leprosy therefore of Naaman shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow. 2 Kings 5:27

The Bible doesn't say what became of Gehazi, whether he died because of the leprosy or not. (Although he does show up a few chapters later talking to a king, which would be unlikely for a person who was "unclean" because of leprosy.) But in those days, giving someone leprosy would be a death sentence.

Giving someone leprosy for lying is cruel and unjust; giving leprosy to the unborn future descendants of such a person is even more so. No reasonable person could think otherwise.

But did God kill anyone in this little Bible episode? Well, if God gave Gehazi and all his descendants leprosy, then some of them died because of it. But the Bible doesn't say whether Gehazi had any children, and it doesn't say what happened to Gehazi. And it is possible that "leprosy" in the Bible refers to some other type of skin disease.

So I'm not going to include this in God's killings, although it is a good story to remember. Bible believers believe that God gave Gehazi and all of his descendants some type of nasty skin disease.

Only a nasty God would do something like that.

The Lord delivered the Moabites

This is a boring one. But since the Bible gives God the credit for this killing, so will I.

Here's the story.

Elisha tells the Israelites that God will deliver the Moabites into their hand.

The LORD ... will deliver the Moabites ... into your hand. 2 Kings 3.18

And when he does, God wants the Israelites to chop down the trees, ruin the wells, and destroy the land.

Ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones. 3.19

So the Israelites kill the Moabites, their trees and crops, and ruin their cities and wells.

The Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, so that they fled before them: but they went forward smiting the Moabites ... And they beat down the cities, and on every good piece of land cast every man his stone, and filled it; and they stopped all the wells of water, and felled all the good trees. 3.24-25

Finally, the Moabite king sacrificed his son as a burnt offering in a desperate attempt to stop the massacre. And it seemed to work, too, since the Israelites stopped killing after that.

Then he took his eldest son that should have reigned in his stead, and offered him for a burnt offering upon the wall. And there was great indignation against Israel: and they departed from him, and returned to their own land. 3.27

Since God helped the Israelites smite several Moabite cities, I'll guess 1000 Moabites were killed in five cities, for a total of 5000.

God's next killing: A skeptic is trampled to death

God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head

After Elijah went up to heaven in a chariot of fire, his disciple Elisha put on Elijah's mantle and started to perform miracles of his own. First he parted the Jordan River by slapping it with Elijah's mantle, and then he healed some water by adding a bit of salt.

And then he decided to go to Bethel.

While he was walking along, a group of 42 young boys started to make fun of Elisha's bald head.

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23

So Elisha decided to try his new-found prophet powers by cursing the little buggers in the name of the Lord. Then he stood back and watched what happened.

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. 2 Kings 2:24a

What happened must have been hard for him to watch. Two she bears came out of the woods and tore all 42 of the boys apart.

And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:24b

The Bible doesn't say how Elisha reacted to the slaughter. It just says that he kept going on his journey to Bethel.

And he went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria. 2 Kings 2:25

But I bet God got a kick out of the whole thing. He's the type.

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See Brucker's guest post on this killing: The Bad-News Bears

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God's next killing: The Lord delivered the Moabites