It's Ramadan again! Time to sleep all day and party all night.

(At least it is here in Kailua-Kona, Hawaii, where I observed the thin crescent of the new moon on 5 June 2016 at 7:35 pm.)

For those of you who don't know, it's Ramadan -- the month in which Muslims believe the Quran was revealed to Muhammad (pb&jbuh). 

Here's how it's put in the Quran:

The month of Ramadan in which was revealed the Qur'an, a guidance for mankind, and clear proofs of the guidance, and the Criterion (of right and wrong). And whosoever of you is present, let him fast the month.... 2:185

So Muslims fast every day during the month of Ramadan from dawn to dusk. It's one of the five pillars of Islam.

And what does fasting entail? Here's a list of things that invalidate the fast.

1- Intercourse
2- Masturbation
3- Eating and drinking
4- Anything that is regarded as coming under the same heading as eating and drinking
5- Letting blood by means of cupping and the like
6- Vomiting deliberately
7- Menstruation and nifaas

(For a more extensive see here, where such important questions as "Does burping break the fast?" are answered.)

Well, that's clear enough, I guess. No sexual intercourse, masturbating, eating, drinking, bleeding, vomiting, or menstruating. (That's right, ladies, menstruating. Because Allah, like the God of the Bible, is disgusted by menstruating women.)

You have to go without all that stuff all day long. What's a person to do?

There's really only one good answer to that: sleep. Sleep as much as you can as long as you can during the day. Fasting is much easier while you're asleep and sleeping all day doesn't invalidate the fast.

That works great if you're a man (unless you have to work, that is), but not so well if you're a woman. Because a woman must spend all day in the kitchen preparing the huge feast (iftar) that breaks each day's fast, as well as shop for the food, clean up after last night's party, and prepare the morning meal (suhoor) that begins the fast the following day.

(There's a huge a competition among Muslim women to produce the most elaborate and extravagant iftar feast. Much more food is produced each night than can possibly be consumed, with the excess thrown away the next day, since leftovers are discouraged. And this goes on for the entire month of Ramadan.)

But for Muslim men there's only one plan for Ramadan: Sleep all day, party all night.

(I'm not making this Ramadan plan up. It is followed by most Muslim males, in so far as work, school, and other activities permit.)

Here's a song that expresses the idea exactly.

Eid al-Adha

It's Eid al-Adha agian. You know, the day where you're supposed to kill an animal for God in honor of Abraham's willingness to kill his son.

Hundreds of millions of animals throughout the world will have their throats slit today just to make Allah happy.



It is amazing how much evil can be caused by an imaginary God.

Science proves Muhammad right: Dogs avoid the E-W direction when pooping (because dogs are devils)

A recent study in Frontiers of Zoology has found that dogs use the earth's magnetic field to align themselves in a North-South direction while defecating or urinating.

Our analysis ... indicates that dogs not only prefer N-S direction, but at the same time they also avoid E-W direction.

This preference for N-S alignment was strictly forbidden by Muhammad, who insisted on facing east or west while answering the call of nature while out in the open spaces.

Allah's Apostle said, "If anyone of you goes to an open space for answering the call of nature he should neither face nor turn his back towards the Qibla; he should either face the east or the west." Bukhari-1.4.146

And why would dogs disobey Muhammad on so important a matter?

Because dogs are devils (especially the black ones).

The Messenger of Allah ... said: The black dog is a devil.
Sahih Muslim Book 004, Hadith Number 1032

And all of them should be killed (for pooping in the N-S direction?).

Allah's Apostle ordered that the dogs should be killed.
Bukhari-4.54.540

Surely this is one of the greatest miracles of Islam! Muhammad, who was illiterate and ignorant in science, was able to predict the direction of dog poops 1400 years before modern science discovered it.

If this doesn't convert you to Islam, nothing will.

Pope Francis: Islam and the Quran are opposed to every form of violence

In his first apostolic exhortation, Evangelii Gaudium ("The Joy of the Gospel"), Pope Francis pontificates about Islam.

Here's what he said in paragraph 253.

Faced with disconcerting episodes of violent fundamentalism, our respect for true followers of Islam should lead us to avoid hateful generalizations, for authentic Islam and the proper reading of the Koran are opposed to every form of violence.

So according to Pope Francis, we should replace "hateful generalizations" about Islam and the Quran with the hopeful (and obviously false) generalizations that Islam and the Quran "are opposed to every form of violence."

It is, of course, obvious to anyone who has read the Quran or today's newspaper that the pope's generalization is false. Islam is not opposed to every form of violence, and neither is the Quran.

Here are some verses from the Quran that the pope assures us are completely nonviolent.

1. Slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places  whence they drove you out ... If  they attack you (there) then slay them. Such is the reward of disbelievers. Quran 2:191
2. Fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. 2:193
3. We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151
4. Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other. ... So good women are the obedient. ... As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds  apart, and scourge them. 4:34
5. Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. 4:56
6. Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil. 4:76
7. Choose not friends from them [unbelievers]. ... Take them and kill them  wherever ye find them. 4:89
8. Take them [unbelievers] and kill them wherever ye find them. Against such We have given you clear warrant. 4:91
9. The disbelievers are an open enemy to you. 4:101
10. Choose not disbelievers for (your) friends in place of  believers. Would ye give Allah a clear warrant against you? 4:144
11. The only reward of those who make war upon Allah and His messenger ... will be that they will be killed or crucified, or have their hands and feet on alternate sides cut off, or will be expelled out of the land. Such  will be their degradation in the world, and in the Hereafter theirs will be an awful doom. 5:33
12. As for the thief, both male and female, cut off their hands. ... An exemplary punishment from Allah. 5:38
13. Take not the Jews and the Christians for friends. ... He among you who taketh them for friends is (one) of them. 5:51
14. The Jews ... We have cast among them enmity and hatred till the Day of Resurrection. 5:64
15. I will throw fear into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Then smite the necks and smite of them each finger. 8:12
16. Fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is all for Allah. 8:39
17. It is not for any prophet to have captives until he hath made slaughter in the land. 8:67
18. Slay the idolaters wherever ye  find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them, and prepare for them each ambush. 9:5
19. Choose not your fathers nor your brethren for friends if they take pleasure in disbelief rather than faith. Whoso of you taketh them for friends, such are wrong-doers. 9:23
20. The Jews ... and the Christians ... Allah (Himself) fighteth against them. How  perverse are they! 9:30
21. O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites! Be harsh with  them. Their ultimate abode is hell, a hapless journey's end. 9:73
22. O ye who believe! Fight those of the disbelievers who are near to you, and  let them find harshness in you. 9:123
23. But as for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will  be cut out for them; boiling fluid will be poured down on their heads, Whereby that which is in their bellies, and their skins too, will be melted; And for them are hooked rods of iron. 22:19-21
24. Muhammad is the messenger of Allah. And those with him are hard against the disbelievers and merciful among themselves. 48:29
25. Those who take for friends a folk with whom Allah is wroth ... Allah hath prepared for them a dreadful doom. 58:14
26. Tell their  brethren who disbelieve among the People of the Scripture ... that they verily are liars. 59:11
27. O ye who believe! Choose not My enemy and your enemy for allies. Do ye give them friendship when they disbelieve? 60:1
28. O Prophet! Strive against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be stern with them. Hell will be their home, a hapless journey's end. 66:9

Pat Condell: How gay is Islam?

0:28 - "Among UK Muslims disapproval is 100%."

"Muslims in Britain have zero tolerance towards homosexual acts. ... None of the 500 British Muslims interviewed believed that homosexual acts were morally acceptable."

Muslims in Britain have zero tolerance of homosexuality, says poll The Guardian, 7 May 2009

2:28 "In Iran, they've settled the matter by hanging them from cranes in public."

Gays should be tortured and hanged, says Iranian minister meeting British MPs Daily Mail, 14 Nov 2007

Execution in Iran

2:32 - "In Mauritania they use the more traditional method, stoning to death."

"Any adult Muslim man who commits an impudent act against nature with an individual of his sex will face the penalty of death by public stoning."

"Deciphering Motive: Establishing Sexual Orientation as the 'One Central Reason' for Persecution in Asylum Claims", Columbia Human Rights Law Review, authored by Ritu Ghai, 43.2:349 (2012), page 522, footnote #4

2:37 - "In Saudi Arabia they prefer beheading, as they do for many things in that country, including witchcraft."

In January 2002, Saudi Arabia executed three men for "sodomy, marriage among themselves, and inciting pedophilia" (Paris Le Monde 4 Jan. 2002). The three men were beheaded by sword in public.

Saudi Arabia: The situation of homosexuals, including treatment by authorities and legal penalties Refworld

2:45 - "In countries that don't include the death penalty for being gay, it's still punishable by flogging and imprisonment."

Maldives (100% Muslim) — House arrest for women; banishment or whippings for men.
Morocco (99.9% Muslim) — Fine and between six month and three years in jail.
Afghanistan (>99% Muslim) — Imprisonment.
Kuwait — (>99% Muslim) Up to seven years in jail.
Somalia (99% Muslim) — Possible death penalty by stoning in southern parts of the country; elsewhere, a jail sentence of up to three years.
Algeria (99% Muslim) — Fines and a jail sentence of up to three years.
Yemen (~99% Muslim) — Imprisonment up to seven years, whipping with 100 lashes, or death by stoning, depending on gender and circumstances.
Tunisia (~98%) — Up to three years in prison; same-sex activity between women is legal.
Sudan (>97% Muslim) — Five years in prison, life imprisonment, flogging, and/or death penalty.
Libya — (97% Muslim) Up to five years of jail time.
Pakistan (96.4%) — Between two and 10 years in prison.
Bangladesh (89% Muslim) — Fine and up to 10 years in prison.
Syria (~87% Muslim) — Up to three years in prison.
Qatar (81% Muslim) — Up to seven years in prison (and for Muslims, corporal punishment or death).
Oman (75% Muslim) — Imprisonment from six months to three years.
Malaysia (61.3% Muslim) — Up to 20 years in prison and possibly whipping.

BuzzFeed: 76 Countries Where Anti-Gay Laws Are As Bad As Or Worse Than Russia’s (% Muslim statistics from Wikipedia)

2:49 - "It was announced recently that several Islamic countries are trying to find a medical test to detect gay people and stop them at the border, so disgusted are they to homosexuality."

Gulf states to introduce medical testing on travelers to 'detect' gay people and stop them from entering the country Mail Online 8 October 2013

3:00 - "They even forced the United Nations to remove sexual orientation from a resolution condemning arbitrary executions, because Islamic countries want the right to arbitrarily execute gay people without being condemned for it."

UN cowardice is a betrayal of its gay citizens Patrick Strudwick: The Guardian, 23 Nov 2013

U.N. panel cuts gay reference from violence measure Reuters, Nov 17, 2010

Bill Maher: I am not an Islamophobe, I am a truth lover.

 Here's an excerpt.

Levin: It's not like it's people who are Muslim who do wacky things have a monopoly on it. We have hypocrites across faiths...

Maher: You know what, that is liberal bullshit right there. 

Levin: There are no religious hypocrites? You made a career on that.

Maher: They're not as dangerous. There's only one only one faith, for example, that kills you, or wants to kill you, if you draw a bad cartoon of the prophet. There's only on faith that kills you, or wants to kill you, if you renounce the faith. An ex-Muslim is a very dangerous thing. Talk to Salman Rushdie after the show about Christian versus Islam. 

Levin: I have a girl for you, Pam Geller, you can maybe meet.

Maher: I don't know what that means.

Levin: Well, she's an Islamophobe.

Maher: I'm not an Islamophobe, That's wrong. I am a truth lover. All religions are not alike.

Bill Maher is right: It's time to drop the liberal bullshit.

All religions are not the same. Let's stop pretending like they are.

No one was murdered (or blinded) because of this image

In my last post, I displayed the recent Muhammad cartoons that are causing such an uproar in the Muslim world. I hope no one was blinded by looking at them.

Here is a similar (but nsfw) cartoon that was featured in recent Onion article, with the caption, "No one was murdered because of this image."

Here is the text of the article:

WASHINGTON—Following the publication of the image above, in which the most cherished figures from multiple religious faiths were depicted engaging in a lascivious sex act of considerable depravity, no one was murdered, beaten, or had their lives threatened, sources reported Thursday. The image of the Hebrew prophet Moses high-fiving Jesus Christ as both are having their erect penises vigorously masturbated by Ganesha, all while the Hindu deity anally penetrates Buddha with his fist, reportedly went online at 6:45 p.m. EDT, after which not a single bomb threat was made against the organization responsible, nor did the person who created the cartoon go home fearing for his life in any way. Though some members of the Jewish, Christian, Hindu, and Buddhist faiths were reportedly offended by the image, sources confirmed that upon seeing it, they simply shook their heads, rolled their eyes, and continued on with their day.

And no one was murdered or blinded, at least as far as I know.

Which makes me wonder, what is wrong with non-Muslim believers these days?

I'm thinking especially about the Christians and Jews here. Haven't they read Leviticus 24:16?

He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.

That is about as clear as it gets in the Bible -- Blasphemers are to be stoned to death. (There is no Leviticus 24:16 analog in the Quran.)

So why aren't Christians and Jews calling for the deaths of the Onion blasphemers?

And why are only Muslims willing to follow God's clear command in Leviticus 24:16?

The naked Muhammad (Don't look or you'll go blind)

Yesterday, the French magazine, Charlie Hebdo, published some cartoons showing the prophet Muhammad (pb&jbuh). This, of course, is something no one is supposed to do, because it's blasphemy to show any kind of visual representation of Muhammad.

It all has to do with Muhammad's amazing modesty. He was the most modest person to have ever existed. He said so himself.

And he was especially modest when it came to exposing his private parts. No one, not even his favorite wife, Ayesha, ever saw him naked. Good thing, too, because if they did, they'd go blind.

Lady Ayesha … said, "I never saw the private parts of the Messenger of Allah." … The Prophet ... asked Imam Ali to ensure that no one other than himself should wash him (his covered body after his death). He told him, "No one has ever seen me naked, and if it were to happen he would become blind." Ash-Shifa, p.48

So please don't look at the cartoon below. If you do it will be the last thing you'll ever see.

Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom

You probably think that being a Muslim involves praying five times a day, eating halal food, fasting during Ramadan, and traveling to Mecca once in your lifetime. And, for many Muslims, it does. But there's a heck of lot more to it than that.

Take going to the bathroom, for instance.

Now it's true that Allah doesn't provide much bathroom guidance in the Quran, although there is this bit of helpful advice:

When ye rise up for prayer ... if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Quran 5:6

Which tells us that that kind of thing is important to Allah. He cares about your bathroom routine.

And so does Muhammad (PB&J be upon him). He was absolutely obsessed with it. Here is what he had to say:

Your Apostle (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) teaches you about everything, even about excrement. (1)

So let's take a look at some of the things that Muhammad taught about excrement.

1. Before entering the bathroom, cover your head, put shoes on your feet, and say this little prayer: "O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils."

   When going to the toilet the messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would wear footwear. He would cover his blessed head and before stepping into the room, he would read: 'O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils.' (1)

2. Enter the bathroom with your left foot.

   The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would enter the toilet with his left foot. (1)

3. Don't read the Quran while on the toilet.
   

   Any verse of the Qur'an, should be removed before entering the toilet. (1)

4. Don't let anyone see you pee. (No one ever saw Muhammad do it -- except for all those eyewitnesses who provided the glorious details about his peeing technique.)

   Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) states that, 'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself he would go so far that no-one could see him.' We should make sure that there is complete privacy whilst relieving one's self; this is modesty that every Muslim should have. (1)

   A person should be concealed from the sight of others when answering the call of nature. ... How can anybody uncover in front of other people the ‘awrah (private parts) which Allaah has placed between his legs to conceal it and commanded him to cover it? (2)

   One should move and hide himself from others, as the prophet SAAWS only relieved himself when he was out of site. (2)

5. Don't try to hold it before prayer. If you do, your prayer won't count. (Allah knows who has to pee or fart and who doesn't, and he gets pissed off when he sees people praying when they should be peeing.)

   When the time for prayer comes and one of you needs to relieve himself, he should do that first ... it is Makrooh-e-Tehrimi to hold urine/wind or the need to go to the toilet. One should relieve themselves first as the Salaah will have to be repeated. (1)

6. Keep all of your clothes on until the very last second. Then take off only the clothes that are absolutely necessary while getting as close to the ground as possible. (God hates to see you naked.)

   'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself, he would not remove the clothing from his body until he was close to the ground. (1)

   A person should not uncover his ‘awrah (private parts) until after he has squatted close to the ground, because this is more concealing, as Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to answer the call of nature, he would not lift his garment until he had squatted close to the ground.” (2)

7. Point your face in some other direction besides Mecca while pooping or peeing -- but for God's sake don't point your butt or penis in that direction either. (If your toilet at home is facing Mecca, you're up shit creek, so to speak. If you're a good Muslim, you'll remodel the bathroom so the toilet faces New York, Rome, or Salt Lake City instead.)

   Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. (1)

   “Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to defecate!” Salmaan said: “Yes, he forbade us to face the qiblah when urinating or defecating…” (2)

   The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you sits down to answer the call of nature, he should not face the qiblah or turn his back towards it.” (2)

8. When you're doing your business, don't touch your penis with your right hand. Use your left hand to hold it while peeing and to wipe your butt after you're done pooping. (Don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.)

   The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that, 'None of you should hold the private parts with the right hand while urinating, or wipe with the right hand in the privy. (1)

   [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wipes himself, he should not use his right hand.” (2)

9. Don't use the right hand for cleaning either. It's pretty much useless while in the bathroom. (I try to keep mine over my head or behind my back.)

   Do not use the right hand for cleansing (Istinja) as it goes against the Sunnah unless you have a problem with your right hand. We use the right hand for eating, drinking, shaking hands, reading the Qur'an etc. we should use the other hand for cleaning, holding shoes, cleaning the nose etc. (1)

   The Prophet’s wife Hafsah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use his right hand for eating, drinking, making wudoo (?), getting dressed, and giving and taking things, and he used to use his left hand for other things. (2)

10. Wash and wipe an odd number of times.

    Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times. (1)

    [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to wash his posterior three times. Ibn ‘Umar said: “We did this too and found it to be healing and cleansing.” (2)

11. Do all your clean-up with just three fingers: the middle fingers of your left hand. (May take some practice.)

    Use the left hand middle three fingers for cleanings. (1)

12. For an easier pee, try pushing on your left leg.

    Put slight pressure on the left leg it makes it relieving easier. (1)

13. Pee sitting down. Whoever pees standing up will go straight to hell when they die. (Muhammad's nine year old wife, Aisha, swore he was a sit-down pee-er.)

    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) says that, 'Whosoever says that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would stand up and urinate do not believe them, he would urinate but sitting down ... One of the reasons of the punishment in the grave is because of urinating standing up, Islam has given us a method to follow not only will you relieve yourself but you will be rewarded too. (1)

14. Don't get any urine on yourself. If you do you, Allah will torture you in hell for it. As the Prophet of Pee said so well, "Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."

    Once the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) while passing through a graveyard heard the voices of two persons who were being punished in their graves. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These two persons are being punished not for something major (it is not difficult to be save from it).' The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) then added, 'Yes! (They are being tortured for a major sin) Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine... (1)

    He should be careful to remove all impurity after answering the call of nature, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against being careless in cleaning oneself after urinating: “Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine.” (2)

15. Females should wipe with the heel of the left palm, being careful not to separate the legs too much.

    The sister should cleanse themselves with the lower palm of the left hand and do not separate the legs to wide. (1)

16. Males should hold the penis from the top with the left hand index finger and thumb, gently milking it until all the drops come out.

    When cleaning yourself, males should hold their penis from the top with the left hand index finger and the thumb. Gently work your way down (as if milking an animal) so if drops are left they will come out. (1)

17. Whatever you do, be sure to get that last drop out. Force the little bugger if you have to.

    After performing urination, if you feel that another drop of urine will come, then it is wajib for you to perform 'Istibrao' meaning after urination to perform some act that would force the urine left inside, to come out . (1)

18. First wash the front of the penis and then the back.

    First wash the front then the back. (1)

19. In all of this, try hard not to even look at your penis. Looking at your own penis can cause severe memory loss.

    Do not look at your private parts as there is a chance of the memory becoming weak. (1)

20. When you finally force that last drop out and you've washed your penis, front and back, wash your hands three times.

    After you have relieved yourself, wash your hands up to the wrists thrice. (1)

21. Don't talk in the bathroom. If someone else talks, cough three times. (God doesn't like it when people talk while not fully clothed.)

    One should not talk in the toilet without absolute necessity but if a person outside is calling and does not know then cough thrice to make them aware. ... When two people talk when the body is uncovered Allah (The Exalted) is displeased. (1)

    [A] man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whilst he was urinating, and greeted him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “If you see me in this state, do not greet me, because if you do, I will not respond.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 346; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 575). The majority of scholars say that it is makrooh (disliked) to speak in the restroom unnecessarily. (2)

22. Wipe your butt with your left hand, using at least three pebbles. But don't use bones or dung, for, as Muhammad said, "They are the food of the jinn."

    Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he used to carry a vessel for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to do wudoo’ and clean himself after answering the call of nature. Whilst he was following him, he (the Prophet) asked, “Who is that?” He said: “I am Abu Hurayrah.” He said: “Get me some stones I can use to clean myself, but do not bring me any bones or dung.” So I brought him some stones, carrying them in the hem of my garment, and placed them by his side, then I went away. When he had finished, I came back and asked him, “What is wrong with bones and dung?” He said: “They are the food of the jinn.” (2)

    No one shall make "Estinjaa" without using three stones. ... The prophet SAAWS asked his servant (Abdullah Ibn Masood) to bring him three stones for "Estinja", Ibn Masood RAA only found two stones so he brought him a piece of animal's droppings (dung) that was dry. When the prophet saw it, he threw it away and said that it is Najasah (impure). ... "Salman was once asked: Your prophet teaches you everything, even how to relieve yourselves? Salman said: Certainly.... he forbade us from facing the Qiblah while doing so, from cleaning ourselves with our right hand, and from cleaning ourselves with less than three stones. (3)

23. When you're done, wash your private parts with water. (Muhammad didn't have to do this, though, because his pee was special.)

    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that, 'The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) went to answer the call of nature, 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) bought some water. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'What is this'' He replied, 'Water for cleansing (Istinja).' The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'It has not been made necessary (Wajib) upon me after urinating to cleanse myself with water.'(1)

24. Watch out for jinns and devils. They like to hang out in bathrooms and mess with your private parts.

    [T]he Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These toilets are peopled by Jinn and devils, so when one of you goes there say, 'I seek protection in you from the male and female devil.'' Meaning pray the supplication before entering the toilet.
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'When one of you intends to go to the toilet then recite 'Bismillah' a veil will be placed between the jinn and the parts of your body.' This should be recited before entering the toilet. (1)

25. When you're all done, leave with your right foot.

    When leaving the toilet one should step out with the right foot. (1)

26. After leaving, say a little prayer to the toilet god.

    Once outside the toilet read this supplication: 'O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief.' (1)

    When leaving the toilet, he should say: “Ghufraanak (I seek Your forgiveness).” (2)

27. If you fail to follow any of these rules, the invisible bathroom devils will give you some sort of mental illness.

    We should try and learn these short supplications and practise them too. If we do not seek Allah's (The Exalted) protection from the devils, then there is a chance we can be affected with mental illnesses from the devils. We can not see the devils and when you can not see your enemy they are more dangerous. (1)

So you see what I mean. If you follow all those rules every time you go to the bathroom, you won't have much time for anything else.

---

1 Sunnah of Going to the Bathroom (Toilet)
2 Muslim Bathroom Etiquette
3 Istinjaa - Bathroom Etiquette

Can I be banned in Pakistan too?

Seven sites have been banned in Pakistan for offending the Quran.

Well, I try hard to offend the Quran. I just don't know how to offend a fucking book.

So I offend Islam instead.

Maybe I'm already banned, though. Someone emailed me (back when Pakistan banned Facebook for the "Draw Muhammad Day" thing) and told me that the SAQ was blocked in Pakistan. Maybe it still is. Could someone from Pakistan check and let me know?

That would be so cool. Then I'd know for sure that I had succeeded in offending that (god-awful) book.

It's Draw Muhammad Day!

Since I'm not much of an artist, I thought I'd post this video from the Amazing Atheist. I think he's really captured the essence of Muhammad (peanut butter and jelly be upon him) in his drawing.

The Bible and Islam agree: God hates mice (That includes you, Mickey!)

You've probably heard the news about Mickey Mouse: He's a soldier of Satan that should be killed on sight. Or so said Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, and he should know. I'll let him tell you about it.

So I couldn't help myself. I had to look in the Quran to see what it had to say about mice.

And do you know what I found? Nothing. Nada. The Quran doesn't mention mice. (Although the Hadith does. See here and here.)

But the Bible does. And it agrees with the Sheikh about them.

First of all mice are unclean to God (so they should be to you, too).

These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse.... Leviticus 11:29

It's true, of course, that many animals are unclean to God. But God is especially disgusted by mice. Here's what he said about them in Isaiah.

For, behold, the LORD will come with fire, and with his chariots like a whirlwind, to render his anger with fury, and his rebuke with flames of fire. For by fire and by his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD. Isaiah 66:15-17

So mice and pigs are just about the most disgusting things God can think of. And he's got quite an imagination.

You remember the story about the five golden hemorrhoids, don't you? Well the same story includes five golden mice. No kidding.

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice.
...
And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.
...
And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD ... And the golden mice.... 1 Samuel 6:4-18

God told the Philistines to make golden images of his least favorite things: hemorrhoids and mice. You see it was kind of a divine joke. It was really funny to God. (Laugh or he'll give you a disease that will make your bowels fall out.)

Clearly then, God hates mice just as much as Allah, Muhammad, and the Sheikh do.

So you Bible believers should stop laughing at the Muslims and proudly join the Fatwah against Mickey. (Or God may have to give you hemorrhoids in your secret parts.)

And for the disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom

For those of you who've never read the Quran, let me summarize it for you: And for the disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom.

This idea is so important that Allah (or his prophet) repeats more than 200 times in the Quran. Here are just a few variants.

For disbelievers is a painful doom. 2:104

Those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21

Give tidings (O Muhammad) of a painful doom to those who disbelieve. 9:3

Those who vex the messenger of Allah, for them there is a painful doom. 9:61

Theirs will be a boiling drink and painful doom because they disbelieved. 10:4

And that's just a sample of the 60 verses in the Quran that describe the "painful doom" that unbelevers will endure. There are also 25 "awful doom" verses, 10 "shameful dooms", 4 "dreadful dooms", 4 "dooms of fire", and another 40 or so differently named dooms. Plus 65 verses that mention just a plain old "doom" -- and a couple hundred or so that describe Hell, the Fire, etc.

But my favorite doom verse is this one (If you don't believe in hell, guess where you'll be going):

Those who believe not in the Hereafter, for them We have prepared a painful doom. 17:10

Pope vs. Islam cartoons (and a modest proposal)

Here are some of my favorites. (More here)

"Violence is incompatible with the nature of God"? Then why doesn't the Pope remove all the cruel and violent passages in the Bible? Catholics have (thankfully) ignored them (along with most of the Bible) anyway. Why not use the Pope's infallibility to get rid of the bad stuff in the Bible for good?

A good place to start would be to remove 2 Chronicles 15:13. Such a verse "is incompatible with the nature of God" and therefore could not have been inspired by him (her, etc.)

Christians, Jews, and Muslims should either accept the fact that their religions are based upon violent texts or clean up those texts so they are no longer violent.