Brucker's ASAB -- and was Jesus the (7th generation) son of a son of a bastard?

Some of you may recall Brucker's Bad News Bears post, which was a Christian response to God's 103rd killing. It is still the only response (after nearly four years) that I've had to my challenge to Christians, though I often get general excuses which can be summarized in this way: "God can kill whomever he wants, whenever he wants, anyway that he wants, for any reason he wants."

Brucker started the Annotated Skeptic's Annotated Bible back in 2005, beginning with Genesis 1, intending, I believe, to blog through the entire Bible. And he continued for for a few years until he finally got bogged down somewhere in Second Samuel. It was a valiant attempt, and I enjoyed reading his posts (though I seldom agreed with him) and I tried to put links to his posts at the bottom of the SAB's chapters.

Well, Brucker is back at it again, this time starting with Matthew. You can find his first post here.

Brucker's posts are especially interesting to me because he often points out things that I missed before. In his second paragraph of the Matthew 1 post, for example, Brucker brings up Jesus's questionable pedigree.

Jesus, according to Mathew 1:3-5, had a  seventh great grandfather (Phares) that was (from the Bible's point of view, anyway) a bastard.
(See also Luke 3:31-33)

Judas begat Phares ...
[Phares was a "bastard" to God. See Genesis 38:13-30]
[1] Esrom ...
[2] Aram ...
[3] Aminadab ...
[4] Naasson ...
[5] Salmon ...
[6] Booz ...
[7] Obed ...
[8] Jesse ....
[9] David.

And God said this in Deuteronomy 23:1:

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

So Jesus should never have entered the congregation of the Lord -- and yet God not only let him into the congregation, he made him king over it.

It looks like another contradiction to me.

Woe is everyone!

My last post showed that God is woe. But he's got plenty of woe company.

Here's a list of woe people in the Bible.

1. Early rising, all-day drinkers
   
   Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!  Isaiah 5:11
   
   
2. Drinkers, drunkards, and bartenders
   
   Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and ... mingle strong drink. Isaiah 5:22
   
   Woe to ... the drunkards ... that are overcome with wine! Isaiah 28:1
   
   Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken. Habakkuk 2:15
   
   
3. People with unclean lips
   
   Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. Isaiah 6:5
   
   
4. People that make a noise like the sea
   
   Woe to the multitude ... which make a noise like the noise of the seas. Isaiah 17:12
   
   
5. Spoiled people
   
   Woe unto us! for we are spoiled. Jeremiah 4:13
   
   
6. Foolish, free-spirited prophets
   
   Woe unto the foolish prophets, that follow their own spirit, and have seen nothing! Ezekiel 13:3
   
   
7. Women that sew pillows
   
   Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:18-20
   
   
8. Bloody cities
   
   Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it!   Ezekiel 24:6
   
   Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city I will even make the pile for fire great. Ezekiel 24:9
   
   Woe to the bloody city! Nahum 3:1
   
   
9. People that desire the day of the Lord
   
   Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light. Amos 5:18
   
   
10. People that are at ease
    
    Woe to them that are at ease. Amos 6:1
    
    
11. People who wake up wood or dumb stones
    
    Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise. Habakkuk 2:19
    
    
12. The inhabitants of the sea coast
    
    Woe unto the inhabitants of the sea coast ... I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant. Zephaniah 2:5
    
    
13. Filthy and polluted women
    
    Woe to her that is filthy and polluted. Zephaniah 3:1
14. Idle shepherds
    
    Woe to the idle shepherd that leaveth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye: his arm shall be clean dried up, and his right eye shall be utterly darkened.  Zechariah 11:17
    
    
15. Pregnant women and nursing mothers
    
    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19, Mark 13:17, Luke 21:23
    
    
16. Rich people
    
    Woe unto you that are rich! Luke 6:24
    
    
17. The well-fed
    
    Woe unto you that are full! Luke 6:25a
    
18. Those that laugh now
    
    Woe to you that laugh now. Luke 6:25b
    
    
19. Those with good reputations
    
    Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! Luke 6:26
    
    
20. Lawyers
    
    Woe unto you also, ye lawyers!  Luke 11:46
    
    
21. Everyone on earth
    
    Woe unto the world because of offences! Matthew 18:7
    
    Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth!   Revelation 8:13
    
    Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you.  Revelation 12:12

Some Bible verses for Mother's Day

It's not easy to find a good Bible verse for Mother's Day.
But here are the best I can find.

From the book of Hosea.

Plead with your mother, plead: ... let her ... put away her whoredoms ... and her adulteries from between her breasts;  Lest I strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst.  

And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms. ...For their mother hath played the harlot.

Now will I discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and none shall deliver her out of mine hand. Hosea 2:2-10

Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts. ... I will love them no more.  ... Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:14-16

 Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. Hosea 13:16

And Deuteronomy.

The tender and delicate woman among you ... her eye shall be evil ... toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:56-57

Or how about the inspiring words of Jesus?

I am come to set ... the daughter against her mother. ... He that loveth ... mother more than me is not worthy of me.  Matthew 10:35-37

Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.  Luke 11:27-28 

If any man come to me, and hate not his ... mother ... he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26 

Behold, thy mother ... seek(s) for thee. And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother? Mark 3:32-33

Woman, what have I to do with thee? (Jesus talking to his mother)   John 2:4

Any of these would look nice on a Mother's Day card, don't you think?

Happy Mother's Day!

Dan Savage is right about the Bible: It's Bullshit

A couple weeks ago, Dan Savage discussed the Bible with a group of journalism students.

Here is what he said (see video below) -- along with some of the bullshit from the Bible that believers ignore while pretending to believe it.

The Bible, we’ll just talk about the Bible for a second. People often point out that they can’t help it – they can’t help with the anti-gay bullying, because it says right there in Leviticus, it says right there in Timothy, it says right there in Romans, that being gay is wrong.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13 

The law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind.... 1 Timothy 1:9-10

 In the last days ... men will be ... without natural affection. 2 Timothy 3:1-3

 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:  And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another ... God gave them over to a reprobate mind ... they which commit such things are worthy of death. Romans 1:26-32

We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. [applause] The same way, the same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish,

And all that have not fins and scales in the seas ... shall be an abomination unto you: ... Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you. Leviticus 11:10-11

 about slavery, 

Of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you ... they shall be your possession. And ye shall take them as an inheritance for your children after you, to inherit them for a possession; they shall be your bondmen for ever.  Leviticus 25:44-46

If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21

Servants [slaves], be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. 1 Peter 2:18

(See here for more bullshit from the Bible on slavery.)

about dinner, 

These shall ye not eat ... swine ... it is unclean unto you. Deuteronomy 14:7-8

It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak. Romans 14:21

And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:12

about farming,

Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.  Deuteronomy 22:10

about menstruation, 

If a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. And if a woman have an issue of her blood many days out of the time of her separation, or if it run beyond the time of her separation; all the days of the issue of her uncleanness shall be as the days of her separation: she shall be unclean. Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation. And whosoever toucheth those things shall be unclean, and shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:19-30

If a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not ... come near to a menstruous woman..... Ezekiel 18:5-6

about virginity, 

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife. Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. Matthew 25:1

about masturbation. 

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:9-10

If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean. Leviticus 15:16

Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30

[applause]
We ignore bullshit in the Bible about all sorts of things. The Bible is a radically pro-slavery document. Slave owners waved Bibles over their heads during the Civil War and justified it. The shortest book in the New Testament is a letter from Paul to a Christian slave owner about owning his Christian slave. 

Philemon: This short letter was written by Paul to his slave-owner friend and fellow believer, Philemon. Paul was writing about Onesimus, who he had recently converted, and who happened to also be a runaway slave belonging to Philemon. Since Paul was in a position of authority among believers, this would have been a great opportunity for him (and God) to condemn slavery -- if he (and God) had anything against it, that is. But apparently he didn't. Instead he returned the slave to his owner without so much as a word against the institution of slavery. 

(Note: Philemon isn't quite "the shortest book in the New Testament" -- 2 and 3 John are a bit shorter.) 

And Paul doesn’t say “Christians don’t own people.” Paul talks about how Christians own people.

We ignore what the Bible says about slavery, because the Bible got slavery wrong. Tim — ah, Sam Harris, in A Letter To A Christian Nation, points out that the Bible got the easiest moral question that humanity has ever faced wrong. Slavery! What’re the odds that the Bible got something as complicated as human sexuality wrong? 100% percent.

The Bible says that if your daughter’s not a virgin on her wedding night – if a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she shall be dragged to her father’s doorstep and stoned to death. 

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... And say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And ... say ... these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. ... But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:13-17

Callista Gingrich lives. [applause] And there is no effort to amend state constitutions to make it legal to stone women to death on their wedding night if they’re not virgins. At least not yet. We don’t know where the GOP is going these days. [audience laughs]

People are dying because people can’t clear this one last hurdle. They can’t get past this one last thing in the Bible about homosexuality.

One other thing I wanna talk about is — [chuckles] — so, you can tell the Bible guys in the hall that they can come back now, because I’m done beating up the Bible. [applause]

It’s funny, as someone who’s on the receiving end of beatings that are justified by the Bible, how pansy-assed some people react when you push back. [applause]



And here's a great video on the subject by Zinnia Jones.

Luke 17:34 and Pray to be Gay Day

I don't know how I missed this before, but I did.

Luke 17:34, that is.

I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.

 And since Jesus clearly said that only a small minority would be saved,

Then said one unto him, Lord, are there few that be saved? And he said unto them, Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. Luke 13:23-24

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:13-14

the best way to improve your chances of being saved, if you are a man, is to go to bed with another man. (50% is better than a virtually zero chance.)

Or to spend you time grinding with other women, if you're a woman, as Jesus said in Luke 17:35.

Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.

But what if you're not blessed enough to be gay? It's not too late: Pray to be gay!

There's even a special day and place for it: Pray to be Gay Day at the Reason Rally on March 24th.

Watch Thunderf00t's video for all the details.

What Jesus said about 'Job Creators'

As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"

Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.

Verily I say unto you, That a rich man job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25

Woe to you that are rich job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24

There was a certain rich man job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man job creator also died, and was buried;

And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25

Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.

So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.

God has renamed Campus Crusade for Christ

It's now Cru.

“We believe wholeheartedly that God has given us this new name,” said Steve Sellers, vice president for the U.S. for Campus Crusade for Christ.

God gave the original name (Campus Crusade for Christ) to Bill Bright back in 1951, but God figures it's time to rename it now. Having the word "campus" or "crusade" or "Christ" in it just doesn't sound right to the big guy anymore.

So on Tuesday, God chose a new name from over 1600 suggested, using the same method that he used to replace Judas after Judas hung himself and/or splattered his guts on the ground: he put all the names in a hat and picked the winner.

And God picked "Cru."

God knows what "cru" means, but he's not telling. It isn't short for "Crusade," though, if that's what you're thinking. "Crusade is a 1970s kind of word," as Robert Stewart, the executive director of the Christian Service Center for Central Florida, explained. It's outdated and God doesn't like it anymore.

So now it's just "cru."
(Or maybe "Cru for you-know-who")

Forget Camping: What Jesus said about the end of the world

Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.

He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.

Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)

Before the end comes the following things must happen:

1. Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5

   Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11

   If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8

   (I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.)

2. There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7

   When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9

   (There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.)

3. There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)

   There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8

   There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8

   Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11

   (This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?)

4. Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.

   Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9

   They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9

   They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12

   (This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.)

5. But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)

   But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18

   (Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.)

6. Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).

   Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17

   (The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.)

7. Believers will hate one another.

   Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10

   (Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)

8. Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.

   Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12

   Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16

   (Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?)

9. Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)

   Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13

   He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13

   (Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.)

10. The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).

    This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14

    The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10

    (This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!)

11. The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this, it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)

    When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16

    When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14

    (Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.)

12. Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19

    Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23

    (I suppose this one has always been true.)

13. Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).

    Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24

    (I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?)

14. It will be bloody hell out there.

    Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21

    In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19

    (I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.)

15. Everyone will be afraid of everything.

    Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26

    (There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.)

16. The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.

    The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29

    The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25

    And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25

    (Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.)

17. Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.

    As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27

    Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26

    (Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.)

18. And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34

    Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32

    (Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)

So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.

Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).

Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32

So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.

And Palin washed her hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person

When Pilate saw that he could prevail nothing, but that rather a tumult was made, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person. Matthew 27:24

You can watch Palin wash her hands here.

Solutions for masturbaters

Christine O’Donnell, the 2010 Republican senate nominee from Delaware, was on a crusade during the 90s to stamp out masturbation. Here's what she said about it.

The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust.

And I think she's right about that. You can't masturbate without lust. (Go ahead and give it a try.)

And Jesus said that whoever lusts commits adultery.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

So there you go. Masturbation is adultery.

Now the Bible is clear on what we should do with adulterers (masturbaters).

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

So whether you commit adultery with another man's wife or you commit adultery with your own hand, it's all the same to God, Christine O'Donnell, and the Republican Tea Party. You shall surely be put to death.

But there is a way out, if you're man (or woman) enough to do it. Don't commit adultery with your hand; cut if off instead.

If thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:30

When you consider the options, it makes a lot of sense. Masturbation is adultery, adulterers must be executed, and God tortures dead masturbaters forever in hell.

So the next time you're tempted to commit adultery with your own hand, take Jesus and Christine O'Donnell's advice. Cut it off instead (hand, eye, whatever).

Or do as Stephen Colbert suggests and marry your hand!

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Libertea
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election Fox News

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Divine Guide, Amen

Here's a fun news item from Conservapedia.

Panic sweeps liberals about our Conservative Bible Project. Another newspaper in the increasingly atheistic Canada runs a story about us.[15] Why are liberals who do not read the Bible themselves so opposed to this project?

Well, I can't speak for liberals that don't read the Bible, but I'm a liberal who reads the Bible (way too much) and I absolutely love the Conservative Bible Project (CBP). It's more effective in pouring ridicule and scorn on both conservatives and the Bible than any of my poor efforts at the SAB could ever be.

One of the things that I like most about the CBP is that you can see what the contributors are thinking. Here for example is the discussion on what the hell they should call the Holy Spirit.

First they deal with the Holy Ghost.

Doesn't the term "Holy Ghost" not convey the intended meaning? Since ghost conjures up images of haunted houses and stuff like that. If the idea here is to use terminology that accurately conveys the intended meaning to people of today, then "Spirit" is probably a better word. AddisonDM 22:57, 17 August 2009 (EDT)

But then Andy explains that changing from "Holy Ghost" to "Holy Spirit"

...had the false effect of immobilizing it in the minds of Christians....--Andy Schlafly 23:01, 17 August 2009 (EDT)

(Ghosts move around a lot better than spirits do.)

So the next word they try out is "Force". Here's what Andy says about it.

I've also wondered if there isn't a word better than "ghost" and "spirit". Perhaps something like "wind" but without the nature-worship connotation.-Andy Schlafly 18:01, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

Yeah, those nature-worshiping liberals would like "Holy Wind" too way much. And it might be confused with "Holy Fart".

But Andy knows lots of other words.

Or perhaps a word borrowed from an entirely different context, such as physics: "energy" or "force"? --Andy Schlafly 18:01, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

And he's rapidly converging on the correct, conservative name for the third person of the Trinity.

Coincidentally, I also thought of "force," though it seems almost too mathematical and physics-related. "Breath" is like wind, but sounds too animistic, while "presence" seems as passive as "spirit." I also wondered about "hand," though that muddles the separateness of the Holy Spirit... DouglasA 18:06, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

So "Holy Force" is too sciency, "Holy Breath" is too animistic, and "Holy Presence" is no better than spirit. "Holy Hand" sounds good, but since Jesus and his dad both have hands it could confuse people.

But Andy likes "Holy Force". Here's why.

It takes some getting used to, but I like "Holy Force." The term may appeal even more to teenagers. It may also gain traction with the physics-students-headed-for-atheism crowd. --Andy Schlafly 18:14, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

Yeah, it will sound so cool to "the physics-students-headed-for-atheism crowd"!

But what about the whole "Holy" thing? Couldn't we scrap that too?

P.S. We don't have to be tied down with the first word "Holy". Perhaps "Divine Force" is better still? --Andy Schlafly 18:16, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

And fuck "force". Let's go with "guide".

This is actually very interesting. I like the sound of "Divine Force" but perhaps that undermines the fact that the Holy Spirit is actually a seperate person of the Trinity. "Divine Force" sounds like a Jehovah's Witness or other non-trinitarian way of describing it. Almost something like "Divine Guide" works better, if you're going to completely change the rendering. AddisonDM 19:00, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

How easy wast that? I guess great minds really do think alike. The "Holy Ghost" was converted into a "Divine Guide" just like that. (It was a Holy Hand job.)

All that's left now is to congratulate each other.

Divine Guide" is very nice! I like it.

No translation has yet been based on the wiki approach, or the conservative approach. I think this project has great potential. Already I have learned enormously from this, as I'm sure other participants have.--Andy Schlafly 19:55, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

But Holy Shit! Now some of the guys are having second thoughts!

I think that "Divine Guide" may be too liberal sounding; to me it sound too much like a Navajo spirit or something. ... It's far too nebulous and frankly, new-age.... User:m9999 09:45, 06 October 2009 (EDT)

I'm with m9999. Divine Guide sounds pretty emasculating to me. Wmarshall 18:50, 6 October 2009 (EDT)

"Divine Guide" is liberal sounding and emasculating. Heck, from that name you can't even tell if the Holy Ghost has a penis or not. (He does, by the way. A really big one.)

But Andy likes it, so the Holy Ghost has a new name.

Here's how it sounds in the CBP version of Matthew 28:19.

"So go and make students from all ethnic groups, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Divine Guide,

No wonder liberals are so panicked about the CBP!

Happy Blasphemy Day!

It's finally here: Blasphemy Day. So get out and blaspheme, gosh darn it.

But before you do, I thought I'd let you know what the Bible says about blasphemy.

1. Blasphemers must be stoned to death.

   And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:13-16

2. If you cause others to blaspheme, God might just have to kill your child, like he did to David and Bathsheba's baby boy.

   Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick ... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

3. If you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, God will never forgive you.
   (Fucking Holy Ghost!)

   All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32

   But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness Mark 3:29

   And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. Luke 12:10

4. If you blaspheme, you will be delivered to Satan who will teach you not to blaspheme.
   (Who knew that Satan teaches people not to blaspheme?)

   Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme. 1 Timothy 1:20

5. A slave ("servant" in the KJV) that doesn't give her master all honor blasphemes God.

   Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 1 Timothy 6:1

6. To avoid blasphemy, wives must obey their husbands.

   Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5

7. And, of course, Jews are blaspheming members of the synagogue of Satan.

   I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9

   

8. Someday there will be a beast that comes out of the sea that has seven heads with a blasphemous name (Jesus Fucker) written on each head.

   I stood ... saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy ... And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death. Revelation 13:1-3

   Here's what it will look like.

   

But don't let any of this bullshit stop you. Write 'Jesus Fucker' on your forehead and get out there and blaspheme!

The Chaser's War on Everything: Help me put my son to death

Here are the verses that tell you what to do with a son that curses you:

And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

And here are some verses to deal with that homosexual, adulterous, fortune-telling, hump-backed, dwarf priest with crushed testicles.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God ... Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken ... shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD. Leviticus 21:16-21

Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong

Christians claim that the Bible condemns gay marriage. It doesn't.^*

The Bible says nothing at all about gay marriage. But it has plenty to say about Christian "marriage."

1. The Bible says that Christians should not marry.
   (God doesn't want Christians to marry. We shouldn't either.)

   Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:27

   For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

2. But if a Christian man decides to get married (which he shouldn't), he can have more than one wife.

   If he take him another wife.... Exodus 21:10

3. And if he doesn't like one of his wives (like if she's unclean or ugly or something), he can divorce her.

   When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. Deuteronomy 24:1

4. If a Christian man gets married and then discovers on his wedding night that his new wife is not a virgin, then he and the other Christian men must stone her to death.

   If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-17

5. Christians shouldn't have sex (even if they are married, which they shouldn't be).
   

   But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:29

   It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

6. Christian parents must beat their children (which they shouldn't have, since they shouldn't get married or have sex).

   He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24

   Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18

   Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15

   Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14

7. Good Christians must hate their families.
   (If you abandon them for Jesus, he'll give you a big reward.)

   If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

   And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Mattthew 19:29

8. And kill their disobedient children.

   If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother ... Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city ... And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 21:18-21

   He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. Exodus 21:15

   He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

   For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

   God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

9. And kill their families, if they have religiously incorrect ideas.

   If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you ... Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

10. And finally, like Abraham (Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, et al.), Christian parents should be willing to kill their children for God.

    And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him ... Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. Genesis 22:1-2, 10

---

*The Bible tell us to kill homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13). Dead people seldom marry.

Swear not at all: Obama, the Bible, and the second oath of office

Since some of the words were flubbed a bit the first time around, Obama took the oath of office a second time. This time without a bible.

Which is as it should be, for two reasons:

1. The Bible is not required by the constitution. In fact, it would be unconstitutional for Chief Justice Roberts to insist, or even suggest, that Obama use a Bible in the ceremony. That would imply a religious test for office, which is disallowed by Article VI, section 3.

2. A Christian who believes in the Bible shouldn't swear on one.

The Bible, of course, is worse than useless when it comes to consistent advice on morality. But the New Testament (to avoid confusion, ignore the Old Testament on this one) is pretty clear about one thing: Christians shouldn't swear. Not to God and not on the Bible or on anything else.

Here's what Jesus (supposedly) said about it:

But I say unto you, swear not at all; neither by heaven for it is God's throne; Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King. Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Matthew 5:34-37

And the Book of James condemns swearing "above all things." I guess that would make it the worst possible sin.

But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation. James 5:12

It always seemed strange to me to swear on a book that is filled with lies.

I'm glad Obama got it right the second time around (except for the "So help me God" bullshit).

How many animals has God killed?

And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 1 Samuel 11:6-7

Too many to count, that's for sure.

How many animals did God drown in the flood? How many were sacrificed to him just so he could smell the sweet savor of their burning flesh?

Not even God knows that. He lost count long ago.

So I'll just list the times that God killed or commanded others to kill animals. (I wonder how many of these passages are marked green in the world's most dishonest book: The Green Bible*.)

1. Abel's offering: The first God-approved animal sacrifice

   And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering. (Genesis 4:4)

2. The flood of Noah: God kills every animal except those in the ark (because "The earth was filled with violence.")

   And all flesh died that moved upon the earth ... All in whose nostrils was the breath of life ... they were destroyed from the earth. (Genesis 7:21-23)

3. After God drowns all the animals except for those in the ark, Noah killed and sacrificed to God one of every surviving "clean" animal species. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." (This shows God's concern for endangered species.)

   And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

4. God has Abram kill some animals for him: A cow, goat, ram, dove, and pigeon.

   Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst. (Genesis 15:9)

5. God told Abraham to kill his son, but at the last moment, he changed his mind and told Abe to kill a ram for him instead.

   Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son. (Genesis 22:10-13)

6. To impress the Pharaoh, God turns the Nile into blood, killing all the fish. (It didn't work. The magicians of Egypt knew this trick, too.)

   And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

7. God kills all the cattle, horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep in Egypt.

   the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

8. God kills the (already dead) beasts of Egypt by smashing them with hail.

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

9. God kills all the firstborn (twice-dead) Egyptian cattle. (I don't know how God figured out which were firstborn, but, hey, that's why he's God, right?)

   at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. (Exodus 12:29)

10. God drowns more than 600 horses.

    And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt ... For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them. (Exodus 14:7; 15:1, 19)

11. "And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people."

    [Moses] offered burnt offerings, and sacrificed peace offerings of oxen unto the LORD. And Moses took half of the blood, and put it in basons; and half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar ... And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people. (Exodus 24:5)

12. Moses kills a bullock for God

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the bullock for the sin offering. And he slew it; and Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger. (Leviticus 8:14-15)

13. Aaron kills a ram "and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about."

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he killed it; and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moses burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat. (Leviticus 8:18-21)

14. Aaron kills another ram and "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot."

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he slew it,; and Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot. And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. (Leviticus 8:22-24)

15. Aaron kills a calf for a sin offering "and he dipped his finger in the blood."

    Aaron ... slew the calf of the sin offering ... And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar: (Leviticus 9:8-9)

16. Aaron kills the burnt offering "and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar."

    And he slew the burnt offering; and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar. (Leviticus 9:12-14)

17. Aaron kills a bullock for a wave offering. "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD."

    He slew also the bullock and the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings, which was for the people: and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled upon the altar round about ... And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded. (Leviticus 9:18-21)

18. Killing more animals to satisfy a blood-thirsty god.

    He shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest ... and the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. (Numbers 6:10-20)

19. When Moses set up the tabernacle, each of the twelve tribes kills a bullock, lamb, ram, and a kid, two oxen, and five rams, goats, and lambs for God, for a grand total of 240 animal sacrifices. (Numbers 7:15-88)

20. The Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." (Numbers 8:8-12)

21. God commands Joshua to kill every animal in Jericho (because they are "accursed" to the Lord.)

    And the city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD. ... And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. (Joshua 6:17-21)

22. God tells the Israelites to stone and burn to death Achan's animals (along with Achan and his family, of course).

    And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep ... And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. (Joshua 7:24-25)

23. More burned offerings to the Lord.

    As Moses the servant of the LORD commanded ... they offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. (Joshua 8:31)

24. The spitit of the Lord came on Samson (and he killed a lion).

    Then went Samson down ... and, behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. (Judges14:5-8)

25. The Spirit of God comes on Saul (and he hacks a yoke of oxen to death and sends the pieces throughout Israel).

    And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers.(1 Samuel 11:6-7)

26. God was angry at Saul for not killing all the Amalekite animals. Saul killed all the people (except Agag), but he kept some of their animals. Because he didn't kill everything, God repented of choosing him for king. (So he made David king instead. David liked to kill things.)

    Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... Andand utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword ... But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs ... but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. ... Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. (1 Samuel 15:2-19)

27. When dedicating the temple, Solomon killed so many animals that it was impossible to number them. (Not even God knows how many animals were killed.)

    King Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel, that were assembled unto him, were with him before the ark, sacrificing sheep and oxen, that could not be told nor numbered for multitude.(1 Kings 8:5)

28. Just kidding -- God knows. It was 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep.

    And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. (1 Kings 8:63, 2 Chronicles 7:5)

29. To make God happy, the Israelites killed 700 oxen and 7,000 sheep (and all the non-believers).

    And they offered unto the LORD the same time, of the spoil which they had brought, seven hundred oxen and seven thousand sheep. ... That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.(2 Chronicles 15:11-13)

30. Seven bullocks, seven rams, seven lambs, and seven he-goats were killed, and their blood sprinkled around. Then the carcasses were burned and they sang "the song of the Lord."

    And they brought seven bullocks, and seven rams, and seven lambs, and seven he goats, for a sin offering ... So they killed the bullocks, and the priests received the blood, and sprinkled it on the altar: likewise, when they had killed the rams, they sprinkled the blood upon the altar: they killed also the lambs, and they sprinkled the blood upon the altar. And they brought forth the he goats for the sin offering ... And the priests killed them, and they made reconciliation with their blood upon the altar, to make an atonement for all Israel: for the king commanded that the burnt offering and the sin offering should be made for all Israel. ... And when the burnt offering began, the song of the LORD began.(2 Chronicles 29:21-27)

31. God and Satan not only killed Job's 10 children, they also killed his servants (I need to revise their kill numbers!) and burned to death his sheep.

    While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them (Job 1:16)

32. Jesus drowns a herd of devil-possessed pigs.

    And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

33. Jesus drowns 2000 pigs, after driving them out of a possessed man. (Notice that the other story says there were 2 men. So I guess Jesus must have done this nasty trick twice -- or maybe the stories were just made up.)

    And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit ... And cried with a loud voice, and said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the most high God? ... And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. (Mark 5:2-13)

---

* I went back to the library to check on this. It turns out that 5 of the passages on the list are marked green in the Green Bible. Here they are, along with their comment for each.

1. Green Bible: "The stability of creation"

   (God drowned his creation and Noah sacrificed some of the few animals that survived; this shows how much God values the stability of his creation?)

   And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

2. Green Bible: "Polluted river was a plague of Egypt."

   (Yes, but who sent the plague? This should be marked red, not green.)

   And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

3. Green Bible: "The fifth plague: livestock diseased"

   (God killed all the horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep. What excuse could there be for marking this green?)

   the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

4. Green Bible: "The seventh plague: thunder and lightening"

   (God smashes animals and people with hail. This shows his concern for the environment?)

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

5. Green Bible: "Jesus sends demons into a herd of swine."

   (Yes he did. Kind of nasty, don't you think? I guess it was marked green because it had pigs and water in it.)

   And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

What the Bible says about Sarah Palin's new clothes

Everyone's talking about Sarah's new clothes. But what does the Bible say about them?

Well, here is what the Old Testament says:

"Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

I will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel. Zephaniah 1:8

I don't know whether Sarah's clothes were made of blended fabrics or if God considers them strange. Someone should check into that.

But the big problem comes from the New Testament. Here's what it has to say:

Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:9

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3

So costly apparel is out -- for women, anyway. I think even God might consider $150,000 costly.

And lastly we should ask, what would Jesus wear?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ... Therefore take no thought, saying, ... Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Matthew 6:28-32

So if Sarah cares about what Jesus said, she should either wear anything -- or nothing at all. Just like the lilies.

Bible-based Platforms for Republicans and Democrats

Since both parties are trying so hard to satisfy Bible-believing Christians, I thought I'd suggest a few bible verses to inspire them.

[I know I'm a little late, since the platforms are already available online (Republican, Democratic), but what the heck.]

Economic Policies

R: For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12

The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. Proverbs 13:22 (Thomas Muthee translation)

D: Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9 (NIV)

The Environment

R: The heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10
(So Sarah Palin is right: Global warming isn't man-made; it's God-made.)

D: And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee: For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp... Deuteronomy 23:13-14
(Clean up your own shit. You don't want God to step in it, do you?)

Health Care

R:Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. James 5:14-15
(See Faith-based medicine for Republicans)

D: But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. ... Then said Jesus ... Go, and do thou likewise. Luke 10:33-37

Homosexuality

R: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

D: He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone... John 8:7

Abortion

R: Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:16

D: If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. Exodus 21:22

National Defense and Security

R: Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears. Joel 3:10

D: ...they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up a sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. Micah 4:3