30 September 2009

Happy Blasphemy Day!

It's finally here: Blasphemy Day. So get out and blaspheme, gosh darn it.

But before you do, I thought I'd let you know what the Bible says about blasphemy.

  1. Blasphemers must be stoned to death.
    And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:13-16

  2. If you cause others to blaspheme, God might just have to kill your child, like he did to David and Bathsheba's baby boy.
    Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick ... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18
  3. If you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, God will never forgive you.
    (Fucking Holy Ghost!)
    All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32
    But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness Mark 3:29
    And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. Luke 12:10

  4. If you blaspheme, you will be delivered to Satan who will teach you not to blaspheme.
    (Who knew that Satan teaches people not to blaspheme?)
    Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme. 1 Timothy 1:20
  5. A slave ("servant" in the KJV) that doesn't give her master all honor blasphemes God.
    Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 1 Timothy 6:1
  6. To avoid blasphemy, wives must obey their husbands.
    Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5
  7. And, of course, Jews are blaspheming members of the synagogue of Satan.
    I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9

  8. Someday there will be a beast that comes out of the sea that has seven heads with a blasphemous name (Jesus Fucker) written on each head.
    I stood ... saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy ... And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death. Revelation 13:1-3

    Here's what it will look like.

But don't let any of this bullshit stop you. Write 'Jesus Fucker' on your forehead and get out there and blaspheme!


twillight said...

The next haloween-costume should be that beast-from-the-sea!

But I'll only really start to blasphem when I'm finished with the Bible and really know the consequences.
Just to be able to totally proud on it.

Matthew Blanchette said...

Want me to give you a hand with that? I've already read the entire Catholic version of that damned book, which includes several sections not in the regular Bible... and I was 10 upon first reading it!

Fuck the Bible! (There, I said it.)

Unknown said...