Just another holy war

First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you're probably the first person who ever has.

But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there's another one of God's killings, one that I'd missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the "These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz....."

So anyway, here's the story. I'm sorry it's so damned boring.

It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.

The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18

All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.

They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19

While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.

And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20

And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is "of God," killing people is a piece of cake.

For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22

All that was left was to collect the booty.

They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21

Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.

But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It's a shame that God doesn't tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I'd think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.

God's next killing: half a million Israelite soldiers

God caused king Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

Poor king Hezekiah was upset, so upset, in fact, that he "rent his clothes."

And it came to pass, when king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19.1, Isaiah 37.1

You see, Hezekiah had just heard the commanding officer (Rabshakeh) of the Assyrian army say that Hezekiah and his people would soon be "eating their own dung and drinking their own piss."

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18.27, Isaiah 36.12

So Hezekiah, who didn't much like eating dung or drinking piss, sent a message to Isaiah, asking him what he should do about it. Isaiah told him not to worry. God would put a spirit (or "a blast" in the KJV) in the king of Assyria (Sennacherib) so that he will "hear a rumor" to return to his home in Ninevah. Then God will cause him to be killed with the sword.

Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land. 2 Kings 19.7, Isaiah 37.7

And that's what happened. Sennacherib returned to Ninevah and was killed by his sons while he was in church praying.

And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword. 2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38

But then, he was praying to the wrong God so he deserved it.

God's next killing: Josiah killed all the priests of the high places

An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers, "and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead."

Well, the title pretty much says it all, since it all happens place in a single verse (that is repeated twice in the Bible).

185,000 sleeping Assyrian soldiers were killed by an angel of the Lord. And when they woke up the next morning "behold, they were all dead."

The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. 2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36

They probably all woke up and said in unison (as is customary in the Bible), "Shucks, I'm dead."

God's next killing: God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

God sent lions to eat those that didn't fear him enough

God wants you to fear him. If you don't fear him enough, he'll do something to make you afraid of him. Like send lions to eat you.

They feared not the LORD: therefore the LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17.25

He also likes you to obey his laws, even if you've never heard of them before. If you are unfamiliar with his laws or don't follow them properly, he'll send lions to eat you.

The nations which ... know not the manner of the God of the land: therefore he hath sent lions among them, and, behold, they slay them, because they know not the manner of the God of the land. 17.26

I just thought you should know that.

(The Bible only says that God's lions killed "some of them." I'll guess that there were 10 that were eaten by lions.) 

God's next killing: An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers

The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah

The high priest Jehoiada arranged an agreement between God, the king, and the people. The king and the people would be God’s people.

Jehoiada made a covenant between the LORD and the king and the people, that they should be the LORD's people; between the king also and the people. 2 Kings 11.17

And as God’s people, they would destroy the religious symbols of all other Gods, and kill their priests. So God’s people went into a murderous rampage. They started by killing Mattan, the priest of Baal, at the altar.

All the people of the land went into the house of Baal, and brake it down; his altars and his images brake they in pieces thoroughly, and slew Mattan the priest of Baal before the altars. 11.18

And finished by killing Queen Athaliah. 

And all the people of the land rejoiced, and the city was in quiet: and they slew Athaliah with the sword beside the king's house. 11.20

God's next killing: God sent lions to eat those that didn’t fear him enough