Billy Graham and Mark 7:9: No picking and choosing allowed! (You must stone to death your disobedient children.)

God, I love Billy Graham's answers. And they're getting better all the time.

Here, for example, is L.K.'s July 31 question:

I find it inspiring to read the Bible, but I can’t go along with those who say it’s the divine Word of God, because frankly I find some of it kind of hard to swallow. Why can’t we just choose the parts we agree with and leave the rest alone?

And Billy Graham's answer:

We could do this, of course; many people actually do exactly that — picking and choosing what they’ll believe in the Bible while rejecting the rest. They are like the people of whom Jesus said, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions!” (Mark 7:9).

So, Yes L.K., the Bible has some awful stuff in it. But you can't just pick and choose what to believe: you have to believe and obey it all -- just like Jesus said in Mark 7:9.

But what was Jesus talking about in Mark 7:9? To understand that, you need to look at the context. Here are the relevant verses from Mark 7.

7:5 Then the Pharisees and scribes asked him, Why walk not thy disciples according to the tradition of the elders, but eat bread with unwashen hands?

7:6 He answered and said unto them, Well hath Esaias prophesied of you hypocrites, as it is written, This people honoureth me with their lips, but their heart is far from me.

7:7 Howbeit in vain do they worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.

7:8 For laying aside the commandment of God, ye hold the tradition of men, as the washing of pots and cups: and many other such like things ye do.

7:9 And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition.

7:10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death:

In this passage, Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient children according to the commandment of God: "He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death."

The "commandment of God" that Jesus referred to is found in Leviticus 20:9.

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

And Jesus had a good point here. The Bible is clear about children -- those that curse their parents (Leviticus 20:9), or strike them (Exodus 21:15), or refuse to obey them (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) are to be killed, in the latter case by stoning to death. But the Bible is much less clear about washing hands before eating.

So don't worry too much about washing up before meals. There's not much in the Bible about it and Jesus didn't bother with it. But if your kids disobey you, you know what you have to do.

You don't have to ask Billy Graham about it. He and Jesus have already answered that question for you.

Woe is everyone!

My last post showed that God is woe. But he's got plenty of woe company.

Here's a list of woe people in the Bible.

1. Early rising, all-day drinkers
   
   Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink; that continue until night, till wine inflame them!  Isaiah 5:11
   
   
2. Drinkers, drunkards, and bartenders
   
   Woe unto them that are mighty to drink wine, and ... mingle strong drink. Isaiah 5:22
   
   Woe to ... the drunkards ... that are overcome with wine! Isaiah 28:1
   
   Woe unto him that giveth his neighbour drink, that puttest thy bottle to him, and makest him drunken. Habakkuk 2:15
   
   
3. People with unclean lips
   
   Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips. Isaiah 6:5
   
   
4. People that make a noise like the sea
   
   Woe to the multitude ... which make a noise like the noise of the seas. Isaiah 17:12
   
   
5. Spoiled people
   
   Woe unto us! for we are spoiled. Jeremiah 4:13
   
   
6. Foolish, free-spirited prophets
   
   Woe unto the foolish prophets, that follow their own spirit, and have seen nothing! Ezekiel 13:3
   
   
7. Women that sew pillows
   
   Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:18-20
   
   
8. Bloody cities
   
   Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it!   Ezekiel 24:6
   
   Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the bloody city I will even make the pile for fire great. Ezekiel 24:9
   
   Woe to the bloody city! Nahum 3:1
   
   
9. People that desire the day of the Lord
   
   Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light. Amos 5:18
   
   
10. People that are at ease
    
    Woe to them that are at ease. Amos 6:1
    
    
11. People who wake up wood or dumb stones
    
    Woe unto him that saith to the wood, Awake; to the dumb stone, Arise. Habakkuk 2:19
    
    
12. The inhabitants of the sea coast
    
    Woe unto the inhabitants of the sea coast ... I will even destroy thee, that there shall be no inhabitant. Zephaniah 2:5
    
    
13. Filthy and polluted women
    
    Woe to her that is filthy and polluted. Zephaniah 3:1
14. Idle shepherds
    
    Woe to the idle shepherd that leaveth the flock! the sword shall be upon his arm, and upon his right eye: his arm shall be clean dried up, and his right eye shall be utterly darkened.  Zechariah 11:17
    
    
15. Pregnant women and nursing mothers
    
    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19, Mark 13:17, Luke 21:23
    
    
16. Rich people
    
    Woe unto you that are rich! Luke 6:24
    
    
17. The well-fed
    
    Woe unto you that are full! Luke 6:25a
    
18. Those that laugh now
    
    Woe to you that laugh now. Luke 6:25b
    
    
19. Those with good reputations
    
    Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! Luke 6:26
    
    
20. Lawyers
    
    Woe unto you also, ye lawyers!  Luke 11:46
    
    
21. Everyone on earth
    
    Woe unto the world because of offences! Matthew 18:7
    
    Woe, woe, woe, to the inhabiters of the earth!   Revelation 8:13
    
    Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you.  Revelation 12:12

In my name they shall take up serpents

The last thing that Jesus supposedly said to his followers before beaming up to heaven after his resurrection was this:

And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18

Jesus said there are five signs of true believers, and one of them is handling snakes -- and walking on them.

Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19

There just aren't many true believers anymore.

And now there is one less.

Some Bible verses for Mother's Day

It's not easy to find a good Bible verse for Mother's Day.
But here are the best I can find.

From the book of Hosea.

Plead with your mother, plead: ... let her ... put away her whoredoms ... and her adulteries from between her breasts;  Lest I strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst.  

And I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms. ...For their mother hath played the harlot.

Now will I discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and none shall deliver her out of mine hand. Hosea 2:2-10

Give them, O LORD: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts. ... I will love them no more.  ... Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:14-16

 Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. Hosea 13:16

And Deuteronomy.

The tender and delicate woman among you ... her eye shall be evil ... toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:56-57

Or how about the inspiring words of Jesus?

I am come to set ... the daughter against her mother. ... He that loveth ... mother more than me is not worthy of me.  Matthew 10:35-37

Blessed is the womb that bare thee, and the paps which thou hast sucked. But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.  Luke 11:27-28 

If any man come to me, and hate not his ... mother ... he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26 

Behold, thy mother ... seek(s) for thee. And he answered them, saying, Who is my mother? Mark 3:32-33

Woman, what have I to do with thee? (Jesus talking to his mother)   John 2:4

Any of these would look nice on a Mother's Day card, don't you think?

Happy Mother's Day!

Who had the most powerful spit: Jesus or Muhammad?

This is an important question.

Luckily, the gospels and Ash-Shifa can answer it for us. (Ash-Shifa is a 12th century biography of Muhammad that is considered authoritative throughout the Muslim world.)

Let's take Jesus' spit first.

• In Mark's gospel, Jesus cured a deaf man by putting some of his holy spit on the deaf man's tongue.

  And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech ... And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue ... And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain. Mark 7:32-35

• And he cured a blind man by spitting on (or in) his eyes.

  And they bring a blind man unto him ... And ... he ... spit on his eyes [and] asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking. After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly. Mark 8:22-25

• The only other gospel that mentions Jesus' spit is John, which says that another blind man (or was it the same one?) was cured with mud made with Jesus spit followed by a holy water bath.

  And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him .... When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam ... He ... washed, and came seeing. John 9:1-7

Now let's consider the spit of the Prophet Muhammad (PB&J be upon him).
(All quotes are taken from Ash-Shifa.)

• Just like Jesus, Muhammad cured blind and deaf people by spitting in their eyes or ears.

  Habib, either the son of Fudayk or Furayk's said that his father's eyes became so white that he had no vision at all. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva in to his eyes whereupon his vision was immediately restored. He was even seen threading a needle at the age of eighty! (p. 188)

  At the Battle of Khybar, Ali's eyes became very painful. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on them and they were immediately healed. (p. 188)

  A lady from Khuth'am had a child who was mute. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked for some water to be brought with which he rinsed his mouth and washed hands. Then he gave it to the mother and told her to wash the child and wipe him with it. The mother did as the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, had said and the child was no longer mute and had an intellect superior to most people. (p. 189)

• And like Moses, he could make water miraculously appear. But he didn't have to strike a rock with his rod or even speak to the rock. He did it all with his spit.

  At Hudaybiyah, we are told by Al Bara', there were approximately 14,000 men, and the water well they found was insufficient to provide for even fifty sheep. The Companions crowded around the well until not one single drop remained. Then, the Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, came and sat beside it and a pail was brought to him in which he blew some of his saliva and supplicated. Salama reported that he either supplicated or blew some of his salvia in it whereupon water gushed forth and there was sufficient water for themselves and enough to fill their containers. (p. 170)

• Like Jesus, Muhammad cured people with mud made with his own spit. But Muhammad's muddy spit treatment was administered orally rather than topically.

  Mula'ib's son suffered from an edema of water fluid, and sent a messenger to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, to tell him of his condition. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, took some dust from the ground, blew some of his salvia upon it and gave to the Mula'ib's messenger who was amazed and took it fearing that he would be laughed at. He returned to Mulai'b's son who was now on the verge of death and gave it to him. He consumed it and Allah cured him.

• And Muhammad's spit, unlike Jesus', cured more than just blind and deaf people. It also worked on burn and hernia patients.

  There was a lady who brought her possessed son to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon, and Abbas' son tells us that the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked his chest whereupon the child vomited something that resembled a black puppy and was immediately cured. We are also told of the time Muhammad, Hatim's son was a child and a boiling pot overturned on his arm, the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked it, supplicated, then blew some of his salvia on it and it was immediately healed. (p. 189)

  A man came to him suffering from a hernia. He instructed that it be sprinkled with water from a spring into which he had blown some saliva. After this had been carried out the man was cured. (p. 196)

• Bad mannered girls behave much better after eating food from Muhammad's mouth. (There's nothing like this in the gospels.)

  A girl who was in the service of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked him for some food when he was eating and as he never refused anyone anything he gave her what was in front of him. The girl was persistent and said, "I want the food in your mouth." So he gave her what was in his mouth. After she had swallowed it, she became well mannered and the change was apparent for all to see, and she became among the most well mannered girls of Medina. (p. 189)

• Many soldiers were completely healed by rubbing Muhammad spit on their wounds. (Something similar occurred during Jesus' arrest, when a man with a severed ear was restored by Jesus' touch. But since no spit was involved, it doesn't count in the holy spit competition.)

  Abu Sa'id Al Khudri said that the Prophet, praise and peace, be upon him, put some of his saliva on the mark made by the arrow on the Day of Dhu Qarad and Abu Katada told him that it neither throbbed nor yet became infected. (p. 187)

  During the Battle of Uhud, Kulthum Hussain's son was shot in his throat. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it healed immediately. Abdullah, Anies' son was also among those injured during the encounter and sustained a wound to his head, once again the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it did not turn septic. (p. 188)

  Salama, Al Akwa's son sustained a wound to his thigh during the battle and a similar miracle occurred whereby he too was immediately healed. (p. 188)

• And finally, and most impressively, Muhammad cured amputees with his spit. (Not even God can do that!)

  It was during the Battle of Badr that Abu Jahl severed the hand of Mu'awwidh, Afra's son. Mu'awwidh went to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him carrying his severed hand, whereupon the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on it, replaced it was immediately miraculously rejoined to his arm. It was during the same battle Wahb's son tells us that Khubaby, Yasaf's son was severely struck on the neck and half of it was severed. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew his salvia upon it and it was immediately healed. (p. 188-9)

So Muhammad wins the holy spit contest. I guess we should all convert to Islam. (What more evidence could anyone ever ask for?)

What Jesus said about 'Job Creators'

As Jon Stewart points out, we are no longer allowed to say that rich people are rich. "You have to refer to them as 'job creators.' You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'"

Well then, here's what Jesus said about job creators.

Verily I say unto you, That a rich man job creator shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man job creator to enter into the kingdom of God. Matthew 19:23-24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25

Woe to you that are rich job creators! for ye have received your consolation. Luke 6:24

There was a certain rich man job creator, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's job creator's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man job creator also died, and was buried;

And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented. Luke 16:19-25

Clearly, according to Jesus, job creators are going to hell. Their best hope for salvation is higher taxes. The more we tax them, the greater their chance of making it through the eye of the needle.

So let's save the job creators by taxing the hell out of them.

Forget Camping: What Jesus said about the end of the world

Last month (seems longer ago than that, doesn't it?), Harold Camping predicted that the world would end at 6 pm local time on May 21, 2011. He figured it would have to happen then since it was exactly 7000 years after it started raining on Noah's ark.

He'd have never made that mistake, if he'd just listened to Jesus.

Here's what Jesus said about the end of the world.
(The synoptic gospels disagree a bit about the order of events, but this list is as close as I could get to what Jesus supposedly said.)

Before the end comes the following things must happen:

1. Many false Christs and false prophets will show off signs and wonders that will deceive many people. Some will claim the end is near. Don't believe them.

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:5

   Many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. Matthew 24:11

   If any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect. Matthew 24:23-24

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. Mark 13:6

   Many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and the time draweth near: go ye not therefore after them. Luke 21:8

   (I haven't noticed many "false Christs" or "great signs and wonders" lately, though there have been a few like Harold Camping, Hal Lindsey, William Miller, and the Jehovah's Witnesses that have said "the time draweth near." But they've been doing that forever. And they're always wrong.)

2. There will be wars, rumors of wars, and commotions. (Ignore all that.)

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet. Matthew 24:6

   Ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. Mark 13:7

   When ye shall hear of wars and commotions, be not terrified: for these things must first come to pass; but the end is not by and by. Luke 21:9

   (There will be wars. OK, he was right about that. But it hasn't been very helpful in setting the date for the end of the world.)

3. There will be earthquakes, famines, troubles, pestilences, fearful sights, and great signs from heaven. (This is just the beginning of sorrows.)

   There shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. Matthew 24:7-8

   There shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows. Mark 13:8

   Great earthquakes shall be in divers places, and famines, and pestilences; and fearful sights and great signs shall there be from heaven. Luke 21:11

   (This is one of the stupidest things Jesus is said to have said. There have always been earthquakes, diseases, etc. Couldn't God find a better way to communicate with us?)

4. Believers will be arrested, beaten, persecuted, and killed by Jews and kings.

   Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you. Matthew 24:9

   They shall deliver you up to councils; and in the synagogues ye shall be beaten: and ye shall be brought before rulers and kings for my sake, for a testimony against them. Mark 13:9

   They shall lay their hands on you, and persecute you, delivering you up to the synagogues, and into prisons, being brought before kings and rulers for my name's sake. Luke 21:12

   (This one has happened now and then, and still happens today in some parts of the world, though not noticeably more today than in in the past. But when did Jews persecute Christians? Seems like Jesus got this one backwards.)

5. But not a hair on a believer's head will perish. (Even if they are killed.)

   But there shall not an hair of your head perish. Luke 21:18

   (Since the visible part of hair is dead, I suppose Jesus was sort of right about this one. I guess the end is near.)

6. Believers will be hated by everyone (for Christ's sake).

   Ye shall be hated of all nations for my name's sake. Matthew 24:9

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Mark 13:13

   Ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake. Luke 21:17

   (The religious right in the United States is starting to make this one come true.)

7. Believers will hate one another.

   Then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. Matthew 24:10

   (Believers have been fighting among themselves since the time Jesus supposedly said this, but less today than in the past.)

8. Friends and family will betray each other and some will be put to death.

   Now the brother shall betray the brother to death, and the father the son; and children shall rise up against their parents, and shall cause them to be put to death. Mark 13:12

   Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks, and friends; and some of you shall they cause to be put to death. Luke 21:16

   (Have believers been betraying their family and friends to avoid persecution lately?)

9. Iniquity will abound and love wax cold. (But don't worry. If you make it this far, you'll be saved.)

   Iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Matthew 24:12-13

   He that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved. Mark 13:13

   (Is there more iniquity or less love than usual? I hadn't noticed. Still, I am encouraged since I've endured this far. I guess I'm saved after all.)

10. The gospel will be preached to all nations (and then the end will come).

    This gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come. Matthew 24:14

    The gospel must first be published among all nations. Mark 13:10

    (This one happened a long time ago. Paul even claimed it had happened back in his day. The entire world is sick of hearing about Jesus. Stop already!)

11. The abomination of desolations will be displayed where it shouldn't be. (When you see this, it's time to head for the hills. Whoso readeth, let him understand.)

    When ye ... see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:) Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:Matthew 24:15-16

    When ye shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, standing where it ought not, (let him that readeth understand,) then let them that be in Judaea flee to the mountains. Mark 13:14

    (Nobody knows what the hell Jesus was talking about here.)

12. Pregnant and nursing women will be especially screwed.

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Matthew 24:19

    Woe to them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days! Mark 13:17

    Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people. Luke 21:23

    (I suppose this one has always been true.)

13. Jerusalem will be trampled by non-Jews (until the time of the Gentiles be fulfilled).

    Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. Luke 21:24

    (I don't know what to make of this one. Has the time of the non-Jews been fulfilled?)

14. It will be bloody hell out there.

    Then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be. Matthew 24:21

    In those days shall be affliction, such as was not from the beginning of the creation which God created unto this time, neither shall be. Mark 13:19

    (I just checked and it looks pretty nice out there. Don't think this one has happened yet.)

15. Everyone will be afraid of everything.

    Men's hearts failing them for fear, and for looking after those things which are coming on the earth: for the powers of heaven shall be shaken. Luke 21:26

    (There's plenty of fear today, but is there any more than usual? And I'm pretty sure the powers of heaven haven't been shaken.)

16. The sun and moon will darken, the stars will fall down from the sky, the powers of heaven will shake, and waves on the sea will roar.

    The sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken. Matthew 24:29

    The stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. Mark 13:25

    And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring; Luke 21:25

    (Jesus was talking about things that he knew nothing about. Ignore him.)

17. Then, and only then, will Jesus come in all his glory.

    As the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be. Matthew 24:27

    Then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great glory. Matthew 24:30

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. Mark 13:26

    And then shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. Luke 21:26

    (Everyone will get to see Jesus come. He'll come in the clouds like lightning, with one great and powerful splurge of omnipotence. Don't miss it.)

18. And he'll come within the lifetime of his contemporaries.

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Matthew 24:34

    Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done. Mark 13:30

    Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass away, till all be fulfilled. Luke 21:32

    (Crap! We all missed it. It all happened nearly 2000 years ago. Oh well.)

So there you have it. That is what Jesus supposedly said about his own second coming and the end of the world. And he ought to know.

Except that it turns out he didn't. He had no idea when he was scheduled to return. Here's what he said about it (after he told everyone when he'd return).

Of that day and that hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels which are in heaven, neither the Son, but the Father. Mark 13:32

So forget Harold Camping. And forget Jesus, too.

The Conservative Bible: Putting fresh grape juice into old bottles

The Conservative Bible Project (CBP) is done with the Gospel of Mark. And I think they've done a fabulous job!

Take that pesky verse about wine and wineskins, for example. Here's how it reads in the CBP:

"And no man puts fresh grape juice into old bottles. The fresh juice will burst the bottles, spilling the juice and damaging the bottles. Fresh juice must be put into new bottles." Mark 2:22

Jesus was talking about grape juice here, not wine, as the note for this verse explains.

The Greek word οινος, translated "wine," actually meant "fruit of the vine" and was not fermented, as it commonly is today. Repeated references in the Book of Proverbs tell their readers specifically to avoid fermented grape juice. Furthermore, at least five methods of preservation were known to the ancients, methods that avoided fermentation, long before Louis Pasteur would invent his pressure-cooking method.

So drinking wine is wrong and Jesus sure as hell never drank any.

But if that's true, why does the CBP say that Jesus changed water into wine at the wedding at Cana? Shouldn't that be grape juice, instead?

Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the pots with water." And they filled them up to the brim. And he said to them, "Carry them out now to the host of this feast." And so they did. When the host of the wedding feast tasted the water, it had been made into wine, and he did not know where the wine had come from (though the servants knew), and so the host of the wedding feast called the groom, And said to him, "Usually, a man, at the beginning of a feast, sets out his good wine, and when all have drank their fill, then the poorer quality wine. But you have kept your good wine for last!" John 2:7-10

So I guess Jesus messed up here. Oh well, nobody's perfect.

And Jesus said, "Beware of the Bread of the Intellectuals"

OK, I spoke too soon. The intellectuals have not been completely cast out of Andy's gospel.

It's true that the scribes and the intellectuals departed from the verses that I quoted last week. But intellectuals still haunt other verses. (I haven't seen any Liberals masquerading as Pharisees lately, though.)

Here is my favorite.

And Jesus warned them, "I caution you, beware of the bread of the intellectuals and the bread of Herod." Mark 8:15

And here are the others that I could find.

The intellectuals came to him and began to try to tempt him with their questions, demanding a sign from heaven. Mark 8:11

Returning to his disciples, he found an enormous crowd had gathered around them, with the intellectuals interrogating them. Mark 9:14

Jesus demanded of the intellectuals, "What are you asking the people about?" Mark 9:16

The intellectuals and corrupt priests heard this and conspired to destroy him, fearing him and the people who were amazed by his teaching. Mark 11:18

When they returned to Jerusalem, the intellectuals (chief priests, scribes, and elders) came to him as He was walking in the temple. Mark 11:27

The "Analysis" for Mark 11:27 asks: "use intellectuals here? or incumbents, or elites?"

So the intellectuals replied to Jesus, "We cannot answer." And Jesus responded, "Neither do I reveal to you my authority for my good deeds." Mark 11:33

The furious intellectuals wanted to grab him them, but feared the public; they knew this parable was directed at them. They gave up for now and walked out. Mark 12:12

And there's still a few elites pestering Jesus.

"But Elijah has already come, and the elite did to him whatever they wanted, as was prophesied." Mark 9:13

"Analysis" for this verse: "Clarifying "they" (Herod et. al)". (Herod et. al were elites.)

Now, back to God's killings!

---

16 October 2009:

The "bread of the intellectuals" in Mark 8:15 has been changed to the "yeast of of the Pharisees."

"Intellectuals" in Mark 8:11 has been changed back to "Pharisees".

18 October 2009:

"Intellectuals" no longer in Mark 8:11; 9:14, 16; 11:18, 27, 33.

But "furious intellectuals" are still hiding in Mark 12:12!

Liberals and Intellectuals cast out of Conservative Bible

Can the Divine Guide be far behind?

Last week I posted some verses from the Conservative Bible. The Pharisees had become Liberals and scribes, intellectuals.

Well, Here's how Mark's Andy's Gospel looks today.

Mark 2:8

King James Version

And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts?

Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)

Jesus perceived immediately what the intellectual types were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?

Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)

Jesus immediately perceived in His spirit what they were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?

Mark 2:16

KJV

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?

Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)

Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and intellectuals demanded of his disciples, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"

Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)

Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and scribes demanded of His students, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"

(Oh, I like that! They've changed disciples to students. I guess Jesus was home schooling them.)

Mark 3:2

KJV

And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.

Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)

The Liberals watched Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.

Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)

They were watching Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.

Mark 3:4

KJV

And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.

Conservative Bible(7 October 2009)

Jesus asked the Liberals, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" The Liberals did not answer.

Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)

Jesus asked them, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" And they didn't answer.

Mark 3:6

KJV

And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.

Conservative Bible (7 October 2009)

Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"

Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)

The Pharisees then fled from the scene to plot with the Herodians against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him.

(Damn! I really liked having the intellectuals come smearing Jesus. Why did they remove that?)

Mark 3:22

KJV

And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.

Conservative Bible(7 October 2009)

Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"

Conservative Bible (15 October 2009)

Some scribes from Jerusalem came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and throws out demons by calling on the leader of demons!"

(Oh good, at least the scribes are still smearing Jesus, even if the intellectuals aren't.)

So now I'm worried.

How long will it be before the Divine Guide is cast out of the Conservative Bible? It would be such a shame to lose a verse like this:

Mary ... became pregnant with the child of the Divine Guide. Matthew 1:18

The Gospel According to Mark Andy: The Liberal plot against Jesus

The Conservative Bible Project is off to a fine start. It is rapidly converging on the absurd.

Here's my favorite verse so far:

The Liberals then fled from the scene to plot with Herod's people against Jesus, and plan how they might destroy him. Mark 3:6

(Who knew that the Pharisees were liberals?)

Here are a few more fun verses from Mark's Andy's Gospel.

Mark 2:8

King James Version (KJV)

And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts?

Conservative Bible (CB)

Jesus perceived immediately what the intellectual types were thinking, and he asked them, "Why are you so hostile to this?

CBP Comment: the hostility was to the forgiveness

(Intellectual types hate forgiveness.)

Mark 2:16

KJV

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw him eat with publicans and sinners, they said unto his disciples, How is it that he eateth and drinketh with publicans and sinners?

CB

Seeing him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, the Pharisees and intellectuals demanded of his disciples, "Why does he eat and drink with these tax collectors and sinners?"

Mark 3:2

KJV

And they watched him, whether he would heal him on the sabbath day; that they might accuse him.

CB

The Liberals watched Jesus to see if they might catch and accuse him of healing on the Sabbath.

CB comment: Tentatively using "Elite" rather than "Pharisees" or skeptical "teachers" for more modern accessability. See talk. - "Self proclaimed elite" = "liberals", fits modern terminology, see talk.

(It's hard to decide, isn't it? Were the bad guys Liberals, skeptics, or elites?)

Mark 3:4

KJV

And he saith unto them, Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath days, or to do evil? to save life, or to kill? But they held their peace.

CB

Jesus asked the Liberals, "Which is lawful on the Sabbath: doing good or evil? Saving a life, or killing one?" The Liberals did not answer.

(The Liberals didn't answer because they're chicken shit and anti-life.)

Mark 3:22

KJV

And the scribes which came down from Jerusalem said, He hath Beelzebub, and by the prince of the devils casteth he out devils.

CB

Jerusalem intellectuals came also, smearing Jesus by saying "He has Beelzebub and casts out devils by the power of the devil!"

(Don't you just love it when intellectuals come smearing Jesus? I do.)

I hope this project never dies!

What's your favorite verse from the Conservative Bible?

---

14 October 2009: The CBP has changed "Liberals" back to "Pharisees, but "scribes" are still "intellectual types".

15 October 2009: "Intellectuals" and "intellectual types" have reverted to "scribes". Can the "Divine Guide" be far behind?

Conservapedia is fixing the Bible (to make it fair and balanced)

This is going to be fun to watch! Conservapedia is doing the Bible the way Fox does the news.

The Conservative Bible Project is completely re-doing the Bible to make it fair and balanced by removing its well-known liberal bias. It's about time someone did that.

Here's an example.

You've probably heard through the liberal media that Jesus said while he was dying on the cross: "Forgive them father, for they no not what they do." Well that is a liberal falsehood. (He actually said, "You're all going to fry forever in Hell for this.") The liberals that created the KJV just added that verse to make Jesus look like fucking hippie.

But they haven't Conservapediaed this verse yet. They've only done Philemon and Mark 1-7 so far. (I guess they started with the New Testament since there's more liberal shit (i.e., good stuff) in there. Heck, they may just leave the Old Testament alone. It's already fair and balanced.

Here are a few verses that they've corrected so far.

KJV:

And when he was alone, they that were about him with the twelve asked of him the parable. And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them. Mark 4:10-12

Conservapedia Version:

Privately a few along with the twelve Apostles asked Jesus about the parable. He said to them, "You have been granted insight into the kingdom of God, but to others the parables contain the mysteries: that they may see but not perceive and hear but not understand; yet should they convert, then their sins shall be forgiven."

I guess sometimes Jesus is just too conservative for Conservapedia. In the KJV, Jesus explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so that they won't be converted (and will therefore go to Hell). Conservapedia gives it a new, liberal spin. Jesus talked in parables so that people wouldn't understand, but if they (somehow) convert (after being confused by the parables) their sins will be forgiven.

Here's another one where Jesus is going rogue and needs correction.

KJV:

And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Mark 7:9-10

Conservapedia Version:

Isaiah also told them, 'You turn your backs on the commandment of God, in order to cling to your own customs.' For Moses said, 'Honor your father and mother; and whoever curses his father or mother should receive the death penalty';

Once again, Jesus is just too conservative for Conservapedia. Jesus wouldn't say that the Pharisees should execute children for cursing their parents. (Sarah Palin might, but Jesus wouldn't.) So they blame it on Isaiah instead.

So some passages are too liberal and some are too conservative. But some are just right. Take Mark 4:25, for example.

KJV:

For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.

Conservapedia Version:

"He who has will be given, while he doesn't will see that little which he has taken from him."

Now that's a fair and balanced verse!

---

This is one of those really bad ideas that will die quickly. So see it now because it won't last long. (I suspect that Andy Schlafly and his mom are busy trying to find the least embarrassing way to quietly kill it.)

How long do you think it will last?

Happy Blasphemy Day!

It's finally here: Blasphemy Day. So get out and blaspheme, gosh darn it.

But before you do, I thought I'd let you know what the Bible says about blasphemy.

1. Blasphemers must be stoned to death.

   And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him. Leviticus 24:13-16

2. If you cause others to blaspheme, God might just have to kill your child, like he did to David and Bathsheba's baby boy.

   Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick ... And it came to pass on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

3. If you blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, God will never forgive you.
   (Fucking Holy Ghost!)

   All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men ... whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matthew 12:31-32

   But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness Mark 3:29

   And whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but unto him that blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven. Luke 12:10

4. If you blaspheme, you will be delivered to Satan who will teach you not to blaspheme.
   (Who knew that Satan teaches people not to blaspheme?)

   Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme. 1 Timothy 1:20

5. A slave ("servant" in the KJV) that doesn't give her master all honor blasphemes God.

   Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 1 Timothy 6:1

6. To avoid blasphemy, wives must obey their husbands.

   Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Titus 2:4-5

7. And, of course, Jews are blaspheming members of the synagogue of Satan.

   I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan. Revelation 2:9

   

8. Someday there will be a beast that comes out of the sea that has seven heads with a blasphemous name (Jesus Fucker) written on each head.

   I stood ... saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy ... And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death. Revelation 13:1-3

   Here's what it will look like.

   

But don't let any of this bullshit stop you. Write 'Jesus Fucker' on your forehead and get out there and blaspheme!

How many animals has God killed?

And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 1 Samuel 11:6-7

Too many to count, that's for sure.

How many animals did God drown in the flood? How many were sacrificed to him just so he could smell the sweet savor of their burning flesh?

Not even God knows that. He lost count long ago.

So I'll just list the times that God killed or commanded others to kill animals. (I wonder how many of these passages are marked green in the world's most dishonest book: The Green Bible*.)

1. Abel's offering: The first God-approved animal sacrifice

   And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering. (Genesis 4:4)

2. The flood of Noah: God kills every animal except those in the ark (because "The earth was filled with violence.")

   And all flesh died that moved upon the earth ... All in whose nostrils was the breath of life ... they were destroyed from the earth. (Genesis 7:21-23)

3. After God drowns all the animals except for those in the ark, Noah killed and sacrificed to God one of every surviving "clean" animal species. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." (This shows God's concern for endangered species.)

   And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

4. God has Abram kill some animals for him: A cow, goat, ram, dove, and pigeon.

   Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst. (Genesis 15:9)

5. God told Abraham to kill his son, but at the last moment, he changed his mind and told Abe to kill a ram for him instead.

   Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son. (Genesis 22:10-13)

6. To impress the Pharaoh, God turns the Nile into blood, killing all the fish. (It didn't work. The magicians of Egypt knew this trick, too.)

   And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

7. God kills all the cattle, horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep in Egypt.

   the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

8. God kills the (already dead) beasts of Egypt by smashing them with hail.

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

9. God kills all the firstborn (twice-dead) Egyptian cattle. (I don't know how God figured out which were firstborn, but, hey, that's why he's God, right?)

   at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. (Exodus 12:29)

10. God drowns more than 600 horses.

    And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt ... For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them. (Exodus 14:7; 15:1, 19)

11. "And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people."

    [Moses] offered burnt offerings, and sacrificed peace offerings of oxen unto the LORD. And Moses took half of the blood, and put it in basons; and half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar ... And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people. (Exodus 24:5)

12. Moses kills a bullock for God

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the bullock for the sin offering. And he slew it; and Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger. (Leviticus 8:14-15)

13. Aaron kills a ram "and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about."

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he killed it; and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moses burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat. (Leviticus 8:18-21)

14. Aaron kills another ram and "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot."

    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he slew it,; and Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot. And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. (Leviticus 8:22-24)

15. Aaron kills a calf for a sin offering "and he dipped his finger in the blood."

    Aaron ... slew the calf of the sin offering ... And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar: (Leviticus 9:8-9)

16. Aaron kills the burnt offering "and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar."

    And he slew the burnt offering; and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar. (Leviticus 9:12-14)

17. Aaron kills a bullock for a wave offering. "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD."

    He slew also the bullock and the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings, which was for the people: and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled upon the altar round about ... And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded. (Leviticus 9:18-21)

18. Killing more animals to satisfy a blood-thirsty god.

    He shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest ... and the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. (Numbers 6:10-20)

19. When Moses set up the tabernacle, each of the twelve tribes kills a bullock, lamb, ram, and a kid, two oxen, and five rams, goats, and lambs for God, for a grand total of 240 animal sacrifices. (Numbers 7:15-88)

20. The Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." (Numbers 8:8-12)

21. God commands Joshua to kill every animal in Jericho (because they are "accursed" to the Lord.)

    And the city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD. ... And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. (Joshua 6:17-21)

22. God tells the Israelites to stone and burn to death Achan's animals (along with Achan and his family, of course).

    And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep ... And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. (Joshua 7:24-25)

23. More burned offerings to the Lord.

    As Moses the servant of the LORD commanded ... they offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. (Joshua 8:31)

24. The spitit of the Lord came on Samson (and he killed a lion).

    Then went Samson down ... and, behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. (Judges14:5-8)

25. The Spirit of God comes on Saul (and he hacks a yoke of oxen to death and sends the pieces throughout Israel).

    And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers.(1 Samuel 11:6-7)

26. God was angry at Saul for not killing all the Amalekite animals. Saul killed all the people (except Agag), but he kept some of their animals. Because he didn't kill everything, God repented of choosing him for king. (So he made David king instead. David liked to kill things.)

    Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... Andand utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword ... But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs ... but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. ... Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. (1 Samuel 15:2-19)

27. When dedicating the temple, Solomon killed so many animals that it was impossible to number them. (Not even God knows how many animals were killed.)

    King Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel, that were assembled unto him, were with him before the ark, sacrificing sheep and oxen, that could not be told nor numbered for multitude.(1 Kings 8:5)

28. Just kidding -- God knows. It was 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep.

    And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. (1 Kings 8:63, 2 Chronicles 7:5)

29. To make God happy, the Israelites killed 700 oxen and 7,000 sheep (and all the non-believers).

    And they offered unto the LORD the same time, of the spoil which they had brought, seven hundred oxen and seven thousand sheep. ... That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.(2 Chronicles 15:11-13)

30. Seven bullocks, seven rams, seven lambs, and seven he-goats were killed, and their blood sprinkled around. Then the carcasses were burned and they sang "the song of the Lord."

    And they brought seven bullocks, and seven rams, and seven lambs, and seven he goats, for a sin offering ... So they killed the bullocks, and the priests received the blood, and sprinkled it on the altar: likewise, when they had killed the rams, they sprinkled the blood upon the altar: they killed also the lambs, and they sprinkled the blood upon the altar. And they brought forth the he goats for the sin offering ... And the priests killed them, and they made reconciliation with their blood upon the altar, to make an atonement for all Israel: for the king commanded that the burnt offering and the sin offering should be made for all Israel. ... And when the burnt offering began, the song of the LORD began.(2 Chronicles 29:21-27)

31. God and Satan not only killed Job's 10 children, they also killed his servants (I need to revise their kill numbers!) and burned to death his sheep.

    While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them (Job 1:16)

32. Jesus drowns a herd of devil-possessed pigs.

    And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

33. Jesus drowns 2000 pigs, after driving them out of a possessed man. (Notice that the other story says there were 2 men. So I guess Jesus must have done this nasty trick twice -- or maybe the stories were just made up.)

    And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit ... And cried with a loud voice, and said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the most high God? ... And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. (Mark 5:2-13)

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* I went back to the library to check on this. It turns out that 5 of the passages on the list are marked green in the Green Bible. Here they are, along with their comment for each.

1. Green Bible: "The stability of creation"

   (God drowned his creation and Noah sacrificed some of the few animals that survived; this shows how much God values the stability of his creation?)

   And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

2. Green Bible: "Polluted river was a plague of Egypt."

   (Yes, but who sent the plague? This should be marked red, not green.)

   And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

3. Green Bible: "The fifth plague: livestock diseased"

   (God killed all the horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep. What excuse could there be for marking this green?)

   the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

4. Green Bible: "The seventh plague: thunder and lightening"

   (God smashes animals and people with hail. This shows his concern for the environment?)

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

5. Green Bible: "Jesus sends demons into a herd of swine."

   (Yes he did. Kind of nasty, don't you think? I guess it was marked green because it had pigs and water in it.)

   And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

Things on which the Bible and Quran agree

In previous posts I've mentioned a few things that the Bible and Quran agree on. But I thought it might be useful to make a list and include them all here. I'll start with ones that I've previously mentioned and go from there. Let me know what I've missed and I'll add them to the list. (To keep it short, I'll just include links to previous posts and to the verses from the Bible and Quran.)

1. A woman is worth half as much as a man.

   Bible Leviticus 27:3-7
   Quran 4:11, 4:176, 2:282

2. Stay away from menstruating women.

   Bible Ezekiel 18:5, Leviticus 15:19-30, 18:19, 20:18
   Quran 2:222

3. Women must cover their heads and dress modestly.

   Bible 1 Corinthians 11:3-10, 1 Timothy 2:9
   Quran 24:31, 33:59

4. Insects have four legs.

   Bible Leviticus 11:22-23
   Quran 24:45

5. God and Satan force non-believers to disbelieve.

   Bible 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12, John 12:40, 2 Corinthians 4:3-4
   Quran 2:6-7, 6:25, 15:39-43, 7:16-18, 17:97-98, 18:57

6. Disbelievers should be killed.

   Bible Deuteronomy 13:6-15
   Quran 2:191, 4:89, 4:91, 9:5

7. Disbelievers will burn forever in hell.

   Bible John 3:18, 36, Mark 9:43-8, Matthew 25:41, Luke 16:22-24, 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9, Revelation 14:10-11, 20:10
   Quran 9:73, 66:9

8. Don't make friends with disbelievers.

   Bible 2 Corinthians 6:14-17
   Quran 3:28, 4:89, 4:144, 5:51, 60:1, 13

9. Lot was a just and righteous man.
   

   Bible 2 Peter 2:7-8
   Quran 7:80-3, 21:71-5, 27:54-7, 29:26-7, 66:10

10. God is the creator of evil.

    Bible Isaiah 45:7, Amos 3:6
    Quran 113:1-2

Top 50 Bible Stories for kids

Cliff Richard (whoever he is) has come up with his top fifty Bible stories for kids. So I thought I'd list mine.

Here they are (in biblical order, as in Cliff's list). Which is your favorite?

1. "The serpent ... said unto the woman." Genesis 3:1-5
   
   A clever serpent talks to Eve about trees, death, and the knowledge of good and evil.
   
   
2. "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. ... Thy husband ... shall rule over thee." Genesis 3:16
   
   God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to men.
   
   
3. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." Genesis 6:2-4
   
   Angels had sex with women producing giant offspring.
   
   
   
4. "All flesh died that moved upon the earth." Genesis 7:21-23
   
   God drowned everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all.
   
   
5. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." Genesis 9:20-25
   
   Noah gets drunk and curses his grandson (and all his descendants) because his son saw him naked.
   
   
6. "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." Genesis 19:1-8
   
   The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.
   
   
7. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." Genesis 19:30-38
   
   Lot gets drunk and impregnates his virgin daughters.
   
   
8. "And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." Genesis 22:2-13
   
   Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God.
   
   
9. "When he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Genesis 38:8-10
   
   God killed Onan for ejaculating outside of a vagina.
   
   
10. "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:13-18
    
    Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law and then orders her to be burned to death.
    
    
11. "The LORD met him, and sought to kill him." Exodus 4:24
    
    God tries to kill Moses. (It had something to do with foreskins.)
    
    
    
12. "The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt." Exodus 12:29-30
    
    God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. "There was not a house where there was not one dead."
    
    
13. "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and ... slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." Exodus 32:27-28
    
    God forces the people to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.
    
    
14. "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts." Exodus 33:20-23
    
    God shows Moses his backparts.
    
    
15. "The sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD... And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD... And Aaron held his peace." Leviticus 10:1-3
    
    Aaron watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.
    
    
16. "Bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones." Leviticus 24:10-23
    
    Moses orders the people to stone to death a man who cursed. "And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses."
    
    
17. "When the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them." Numbers 11:1
    
    God burned people alive for complaining.
    
    
18. "And while the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:4-33
    
    God sent a great plague on the people for complaining about the food.
    
    
19. "And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses... And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them... and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow." Numbers 12:1-10
    
    For criticizing Moses, God gave Miriam leprosy.
    
    
20. "A man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day." Numbers 15:32-36
    
    God commands the people to stone to death a man who gathered sticks on the Sabbath.
    
    
21. "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up." Numbers 16:20-35
    
    Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, his companions, "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."
    
    
22. "All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD." Numbers 16:41-49
    
    After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 incense burners, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sent a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700."
    
    
23. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Numbers 21:6
    
    For complaining (again) about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.
    
    
24. "And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam..." Numbers 22:23-30
    
    Balaam and his donkey have a nice little chat. Apparently, they do this often, since Balaam isn't the least bit surprised when his donkey starts talking to him.
    
    
25. "Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." Numbers 25:1-13
    
    While God is talking to Moses about hanging up dead bodies, one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees the happy couple, he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died.
    
    
26. "Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:1-54
    
    Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they let some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."
    
    
27. "I have a message from God unto thee." Judges 3:15-22
    
    Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab: a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out."
    
    
28. "Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground." Judges 4:17-23
    
    Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.
    
    
29. "As a dog lappeth" Judges 7:4-7
    
    God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight in Gideon's Holy War.
    
    
30. "At the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." Judges 11:29-39
    
    Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God.
    
    
31. "Samson went and caught three hundred foxes." Judges 15:4-5
    
    Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.
    
    
32. "The Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him... And he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and slew a thousand men therewith." Judges 15:14-15
    
    When the spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson, he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
    
    
33. "Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you." Judges 19:22-30
    
    After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces and sends a piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
    
    
34. "And they had emerods in their secret parts." 1 Samuel 5:6-12
    
    God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts."
    
    
35. "Because they had looked into the ark of the LORD" 1 Samuel 6:19
    
    God kills 50,070 for looking into the ark.
    
    
    
36. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." 1 Samuel 11:6-7
    
    People do the strangest things when the Spirit of God comes upon them.
    
    
37. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 1 Samuel 15:2-3
    
    God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago.
    
    
38. "And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." 1 Samuel 18:25-27
    
    David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.
    
    
39. "The child also that is born unto thee shall surely die." 2 Samuel 12:13-18
    
    To punish David for having Uriah killed and causing others to blaspheme, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.
    
    
40. "So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men." 2 Samuel 24:1-15
    
    Because of David's census (which God inspired), Go killed 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).
    
    
41. "And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." 1 Kings 1:1-4
    
    Poor old king David could get no heat. So they searched throughout the kingdom for a beautiful virgin. They found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but he still couldn't get any heat.
    
    
42. "If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty." 2 Kings 1:9-12
    
    Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He did the job in two shifts of 51 men each.
    
    
43. "And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape... and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there." 1 Kings 18:22-40
    
    Elijah killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest.
    
    
44. "Go up thou bald head." 2 Kings 2:23-24
    
    God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head.
    
    
45. "The whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters." Matthew 8:28-34
    
    The devils ask Jesus to cast them into a herd of pigs. He does, and the poor pigs run off into the sea and drown.
    
    
46. "For the time of figs was not yet." Mark 11:13
    
    Jesus curses a fig tree for not having fruit (even though it was not the right season for figs).
    
    
47. "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:11-27
    
    Jesus explains in a parable that those who refuse to submit to him will be killed before him.
    
    
48. "Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost." Acts 5:1-10
    
    Peter scares Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land.
    
    
49. "The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind." Acts 13:8-11
    
    Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.
    
    
50. "The angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23
    
    The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory."