Tim Profitt, Tea Party Joshua

You've probably heard about Tim Profitt, the Rand Paul coordinator that stomped on the neck and head of a woman protester. If not, here's a video.

In the interview, Mr. Profitt says it was "no big deal." In fact, he thinks the victim, Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org, owes him an apology.

I wonder if he got the idea for his neck stomping from Bible. There's a similar story that involves one of God's special heroes: Joshua.

Here's what Joshua did to his opponents.

And it came to pass, when they brought out those kings unto Joshua, that Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. Joshua 10:24

But Joshua's captains were reluctant to do it, so Joshua had to encourage them a bit.

And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:25

God himself would put his foot on the necks of all his enemies. So go and do likewise.

And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:25

So Joshua (and God?) put his foot on the kings' necks. Then he killed them and hung their bodies on trees until evening.

And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. Joshua 10:26

So if Mr. Profitt was inspired by the story in Joshua 10, I'm glad he stopped reading at verse 25.

Current's Wager

If you wear garlic around your neck and vampires don't exist, you have nothing to lose.

But if vampires do exist and you don't have garlic around your neck, you have everything to lose. (About 12 pints of blood, anyway.)

So wearing garlic around your neck for your whole entire life is clearly the safest bet.

1 Nephi 16: A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow

After Nephi finished preaching to his evil older brothers, they all got down to more important matters.

Like sex.

Remember how Lehi's family left Jerusalem to "go into the wilderness" and somehow ended up more than 400 kilometers away on the shores of the Red Sea; then they remembered they forgot something (Lehi's brass plates), so Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem to get them; and then when they got back from that trip (after murdering Laban with God's help and stealing the plates) they remembered that they forgot to bring any women (except for their mom); So they went back to get some?

Well they got some alright (Ishmael's daughters), but they never got around to doing anything with them because Lehi, Nephi, God, and the camp-following angels wouldn't STFU.

So when it finally came to pass that he, Nephi, made an end of his speaking, Nephi, his brothers, and Zoram (Laban's servant) all got married to Ishmael's nameless daughters.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also, my brethren took of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also Zoram took the eldest daughter of Ishmael to wife. 1 Nephi 16: 7

It was a group wedding with Lehi serving as the Reverend Moon, saying stuff like, "Do you [Nephi, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Zoram] take what's her name here to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

After getting that all taken care of, God showed Lehi something really interesting.

And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass. And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 10

A magic brass ball of curious workmanship that was designed and made by God himself! God's magic ball had two spindles on it, one pointing the way to go and the other pointing in some other direction.

Here's what it looked like.

So now that they had their magic ball, they packed up camp, gathered seeds of every kind, crossed the River Laman, and took off in whatever direction God's brass ball pointed. After traveling for four days in a SSE direction, they set up camp at a place they called Shazer.

And it came to pass that we did ... take seed of every kind ... across the river Laman. And it came to pass that we traveled for the space of four days, nearly a south-southeast direction, and we did pitch our tents again; and we did call the name of the place Shazer. 1 Nephi 16: 11-13

They followed God's magic ball around for four more days in "the more fertile parts of the wilderness," killing stuff for food with their bows and arrows and slings.

And it came to pass that we did travel for the space of many days, slaying food by the way, with our bows and our arrows and our stones and our slings. And we did follow the directions of the ball, which led us in the more fertile parts of the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 15-16

And then it came to pass that Nephi broke his steel bow.

And it came to pass that as I, Nephi, went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine steel. 1 Nephi 16: 18

Of course steel didn't exist at the time, wouldn't work well for a bow anyway, and would be hard to break. But, oh well. This is the Book of Mormon.

Apparently none of the other bows worked either, because after Nephi broke his no one else could kill a thing.

And it came to pass that we did return without food to our families, and being much fatigued, because of their journeying, they did suffer much for the want of food. 1 Nephi 16: 19

So everyone "began to murmur exceedingly." Heck even Nephi's dad Lehi "began to murmur against the Lord."

And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael did begin to murmur exceedingly, because of their sufferings and afflictions in the wilderness; and also my father began to murmur against the Lord his God; yea, and they were all exceedingly sorrowful, even that they did murmur against the Lord. 1 Nephi 16: 20

So Nephi made another bow and arrow out of wood and a straight stick.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food? 1 Nephi 16: 23a

But Nephi didn't know where to hunt with his new bow. So he asked his dad (when he had stopped murmuring).

And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food? 1 Nephi 16: 23b

Lehi inquired of the Lord (Hey God. Where should we go to kill some animals?) Then voice of the Lord came to Lehi telling him to look on the magic ball where he'd find a text message from God.

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came unto my father; and he was truly chastened because of his murmuring against the Lord, insomuch that he was brought down into the depths of sorrow. And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord said unto him: Look upon the ball, and behold the things which are written. 1 Nephi 16: 25-26

And it came to pass that when they saw the text message from God they did fear and tremble exceedingly.

And it came to pass that when my father beheld the things which were written upon the ball, he did fear and tremble exceedingly 1 Nephi 16: 27

Now the magic brass ball didn't work like a magic 8 ball. Magic 8 balls work all of the time for everyone, whereas the brass ball only works if you believe it will work. And, of course, Nephi believed anything and everything, the crazier the better.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the pointers which were in the ball, that they did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them. 1 Nephi 16: 28

So the pointers pointed in just the right directions if you believed that they pointed in just the right directions.

But the coolest thing of all was the text messages. They "changed from time to time" according to the faith of the person reading the message.

And there was also written upon them a new writing, which was plain to be read, which did give us understanding concerning the ways of the Lord; and it was written and changed from time to time, according to the faith and diligence which we gave unto it. And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things. 1 Nephi 16: 29

The message on the brass ball told Nephi to go to the top of the mountain.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did go forth up into the top of the mountain, according to the directions which were given upon the ball. 1 Nephi 16: 30

So Nephi went to the mountain top and killed wild beasts.

And it came to pass that I did slay wild beasts, insomuch that I did obtain food for our families. 1 Nephi 16: 31

(Stay with me here. The chapter's almost done, I promise.)
After eating the wild beasts, they traveled many days.

And it came to pass that we did again take our journey, traveling nearly the same course as in the beginning; and after we had traveled for the space of many days we did pitch our tents again, that we might tarry for the space of a time. 1 Nephi 16: 33

Then Ishmael dies, his daughters mourn exceedingly, and Nephi's brothers and Ishmael's sons decide to kill Nephi and Lehi.

And it came to pass that Ishmael died, and was buried in the place which was called Nahom. And it came to pass that the daughters of Ishmael did mourn exceedingly ... And Laman said unto Lemuel and also unto the sons of Ishmael: Behold, let us slay our father, and also our brother Nephi. 1 Nephi 16: 34-37

But then "the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them" and gave them some food. So they decided not to kill Nephi and Lehi.

And it came to pass that ... the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them ... did bless us again with food, that we did not perish. 1 Nephi 16: 37

And with that the chapter finally comes to an end.

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 1 Nephi 17: The Trip to Bountiful

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Surah 2:190-217 -- Allah's Rules for Holy Warfare

In this section, Allah lays down the rules of war for the religion of peace.

The first rule is that you must "fight in the way of Allah," but only against those that fight against you, and, even then, you can't start the war yourself. So preemptive war is out for Muslims.

Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but begin not hostilities. Lo! Allah loveth not aggressors. 2:190

I'm confused by the next verse, though. "Slay them wherever you find them." Who is the "them" here? Disbelievers? Those that "persecute" Muslims? Soldiers and civilians? In warfare and in acts of terrorism?

And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. ... Such is the reward of disbelievers. 2:191

But whomever it is that Allah wants you to kill, you're supposed to stop killing them if they stop doing whatever it was (fighting with you, persecuting Islam, being disbelievers?) that you were busy killing them for. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Confusing.

But if they desist, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:192

Or maybe not. Now Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people.

And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. 2:193a

Well, not quite, I guess. If there are any wrong-doers around after you've killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you'll have to kill them too.

But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers. 2:193b

Whatever nasty stuff people do to you in war, you must do to them. Rape for rape, genocide for genocide, torture for torture. Allah is with those who fight evil with evil.

The forbidden month for the forbidden month, and forbidden things in retaliation. And one who attacketh you, attack him in like manner as he attacked you. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is with those who ward off (evil). 2:194

Always remember that "warfare is ordained for you." Allah wants you to fight in wars. You probably don't want to, but Allah thinks it's good for you. And Allah knows best.

Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. 2:216

It's you and your religion against them and theirs. They won't stop fighting until they make you a "renegade from your religion" and if they succeed in that so you die in disbelief, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire.

... persecution is worse than killing. And they will not cease from fighting against you till they have made you renegades from your religion, if they can. And whoso becometh a renegade and dieth in his disbelief: such are they whose works have fallen both in the world and the Hereafter. Such are rightful owners of the Fire: they will abide therein. 2:217

So get out there an fight in the way of Allah
(or he'll burn you forever in the Fire after you die).

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Bogging the Quran

2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

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1 Nephi 15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)

Remember back in chapter 8 when Lehi had a dream about a tree? Yeah, well, it's back again. And this time it's causing all sorts of trouble for Nephi's brothers.

You see, they just couldn't figure it all out. What was it, anyway? And who cares? A crazy old man dreams about a tree and they're supposed to believe it has some cosmic significance, some deep spiritual meaning?

Well, yes they are. This is the Book of Mormon after all.

And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been carried away in the spirit, and seen all these things, I returned to the tent of my father.

And it came to pass that I beheld my brethren, and they were disputing one with another concerning the things my father had spoken unto them.

...

And it came to pass that after I had received strength I spake unto my brethren, desiring to know of them the cause of their disputations.

And they said: Behold, we cannot understand the words which our father hath spoken concerning the natural branches of the olive-tree, and also concerning the Gentiles. 1 Nephi 15:1-7

Of course the main problem with Nephi's brothers was that they didn't inquire of the Lord enough. It's nearly impossible to believe complete and obvious bullshit without God's help.

And I [Nephi] said unto them: Have ye inquired of the Lord?

And they said unto me: We have not. 1 Nephi 15:8-9

Another reason they didn't believe the stuff about the tree is that they were such evil bastards. They didn't follow the commandments and their hearts were way too hard.

Behold, I [Nephi] said unto them: How is it that ye do not keep the commandments of the Lord? How is it that ye will perish, because of the hardness of your hearts? Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said? -- If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you. 1 Nephi 15:10-11

So Nephi explained it all to them again. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will (2423 years later) find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the Gentiles. (And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord.)

And now, the thing which our father meaneth concerning the grafting in of the natural branches through the fulness of the Gentiles, is, that in the latter days, when our seed shall have dwindled in unbelief, yea, for the space of many years, and many generations after the Messiah shall be manifested in body unto the children of men, then shall the fulness of the gospel of the Messiah come unto the Gentiles, and from the Gentiles unto the remnant of our seed. 1 Nephi 15:13

Nephi says that someday the Native Americans (who centuries later will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people for dwindling in unbelief) will all become Mormons and be saved. (I suppose God will then make them fair , white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today.)

And at that day shall the remnant of our seed know that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the covenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and come to the knowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved. 1 Nephi 15:14

Nephi goes on to explain the tree, iron rod, and river to his hard-hearted evil brothers.

And it came to pass that I did speak many words unto my brethren, that they were pacified and did humble themselves before the Lord. 1 Nephi 15:20

But I'm going to skip all that. Nephi and I told you about it once before, and once was once too many.

But there is something new in Nephi's spiel. It's all about filthiness.

It goes like this: If your works are filthy, then you are filthy. And if you're filthy, you can't go to heaven because you'd make God's kingdom filthy.

Wherefore, if they should die in their wickedness they must be cast off also ... to be judged of their works; and if their works have been filthiness they must needs be filthy; and if they be filthy it must needs be that they cannot dwell in the kingdom of God; if so, the kingdom of God must be filthy also. 1 Nephi 15:33

But, you see, the kingdom of God isn't filthy, so God had to make a filthy place to put filthy people like you in after you die.

But behold, I say unto you, the kingdom of God is not filthy, and there cannot any unclean thing enter into the kingdom of God; wherefore there must needs be a place of filthiness prepared for that which is filthy. 1 Nephi 15:34

And that filthy place is hell. "And the devil is the preparator of it." (Joseph Smith liked to make up words just like Sarah Palin!)

And there is a place prepared, yea, even that awful hell of which I have spoken, and the devil is the preparator of it 1 Nephi 15:35

And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen.

And thus I spake unto my brethren. Amen. 1 Nephi 15:36

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next Episode: 1 Nephi 16 -- A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow

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