14 October 2009

Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

This is hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1.

After the Jerusalem Massacre, the "children of Judah" go on a God-assisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms "with the edge of the sword."

You can read all about it in Judges 1.10-25, if you really want to.

It's hard to say how many cities were massacred. But there were at least five: three in Hebron, one in Zephath, and Bethel.
Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron … and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai. Judges 1.10
Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. 1.17
And they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them. … And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family. 1.22-25
And there would have been a lot more if it weren't for those damned iron chariots. Some things are just too hard, even for God.
The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. 1.19
These killings also contain an important message about Biblical Family Values. Look at the timeless example that Caleb gives to fathers everywhere.
And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. 1.12-13
Isn't that a sweet story? God's special hero gave his daughter to the man who could kill the most people. Now that's Biblical Family Values for you!

(Since five cities were massacred, I gave it the usual 1000 per city for a total of 5000.)

God's Next Killing: The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim
Table of God's Killings

6 comments:

busterggi said...

"God's special hero gave his daughter to the man who could kill the most people. Now that's Biblical Family Values for you!"

G'wan, Dick Cheney would do the same thing.

twillight said...

And that wish for blood was so strong, that it didn't even changed the slightest that this marriage happened to be incest.

matt311 said...

I assume he thought a blood-thirsty warrior was tender enough to take on his daughter; that's what all father-in-laws think, right?

twillight said...

This is the 42th killing. An incomplete killing. Maybe this is why 42 is not God's favourite number? Or at least one of the reasons.

joshua said...

Perhaps God-scopes cancel out God-proof iron chariots?

Also, since this is such a good blog, thought I'd mention a little typo:

"a God-assisted [a] smiting spree"

Steve Wells said...

Thanks Joshua for pointing out the extra a in there.