05 October 2009

Conservapedia is fixing the Bible (to make it fair and balanced)

This is going to be fun to watch! Conservapedia is doing the Bible the way Fox does the news.

The Conservative Bible Project is completely re-doing the Bible to make it fair and balanced by removing its well-known liberal bias. It's about time someone did that.

Here's an example.

You've probably heard through the liberal media that Jesus said while he was dying on the cross: "Forgive them father, for they no not what they do." Well that is a liberal falsehood. (He actually said, "You're all going to fry forever in Hell for this.") The liberals that created the KJV just added that verse to make Jesus look like fucking hippie.

But they haven't Conservapediaed this verse yet. They've only done Philemon and Mark 1-7 so far. (I guess they started with the New Testament since there's more liberal shit (i.e., good stuff) in there. Heck, they may just leave the Old Testament alone. It's already fair and balanced.

Here are a few verses that they've corrected so far.

And when he was alone, they that were about him with the twelve asked of him the parable. And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them. Mark 4:10-12

Conservapedia Version:
Privately a few along with the twelve Apostles asked Jesus about the parable. He said to them, "You have been granted insight into the kingdom of God, but to others the parables contain the mysteries: that they may see but not perceive and hear but not understand; yet should they convert, then their sins shall be forgiven."

I guess sometimes Jesus is just too conservative for Conservapedia. In the KJV, Jesus explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so that they won't be converted (and will therefore go to Hell). Conservapedia gives it a new, liberal spin. Jesus talked in parables so that people wouldn't understand, but if they (somehow) convert (after being confused by the parables) their sins will be forgiven.

Here's another one where Jesus is going rogue and needs correction.

And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Mark 7:9-10

Conservapedia Version:
Isaiah also told them, 'You turn your backs on the commandment of God, in order to cling to your own customs.' For Moses said, 'Honor your father and mother; and whoever curses his father or mother should receive the death penalty';

Once again, Jesus is just too conservative for Conservapedia. Jesus wouldn't say that the Pharisees should execute children for cursing their parents. (Sarah Palin might, but Jesus wouldn't.) So they blame it on Isaiah instead.

So some passages are too liberal and some are too conservative. But some are just right. Take Mark 4:25, for example.

For he that hath, to him shall be given: and he that hath not, from him shall be taken even that which he hath.

Conservapedia Version:
"He who has will be given, while he doesn't will see that little which he has taken from him."

Now that's a fair and balanced verse!

This is one of those really bad ideas that will die quickly. So see it now because it won't last long. (I suspect that Andy Schlafly and his mom are busy trying to find the least embarrassing way to quietly kill it.)

How long do you think it will last?


Jim Thompson said...

I'm sure they will be using Greek, Aramic, and Hebrew scholars as well.

PersonalFailure said...

or, you know, not.

vp said...

They think that the Gospel of Mark was written by a ten-year old. That's pretty impressive.

twillight said...

What will they get for this from John? As it is in Revelations: If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book.
(I wonder that "in this book" only refers to John's revelations? And does it refer to changes too? (like the famous 616 to 666 change) How about the different translations?)

Unknown said...

The sermon on the mount could prove interesting for them to apply their New Speak on.

Naturally, this situation has already been parodied in Yes, Minister (ep: The Greasy Pole):

Jim Hacker: Anything could be misinterpreted. The Sermon on the Mount could be misinterpreted!

Sir Humphrey: Indeed – it could be argued that the Sermon on the Mount, had it been a government report, would almost certainly not have been published. A most irresponsible document. All that stuff about the meek inheriting the earth could do irreparable damage to the defence budget.

The ironing is delicious.

Matthew Blanchette said...

I read this a couple of minutes ago, and my jaw dropped. What's next? Jewish people revising the Bible to reflect their own bel--

Wait... haven't I seen that somewhere on here, before? ;-)

sconnor said...

The Conservative Bible Project is completely re-doing the Bible to make it fair and balanced by removing its well-known liberal bias.

Why stop now?

This isn't anything new.

The New Testament was embellished with each author -- to push their own polluted agendas, during each of the writers specific time and culture.

The bible: a very human construct, where people use the supposed voice of god -- as their own -- to push ANY agenda under the sun.


busterggi said...

The unchangable word of god changes again.

Brucker said...

This is a joke, right?

Steve Wells said...

No, it's not a joke.
They really think the KJV, NIV, and other translations have a liberal bias and need correcting. I know it sounds like something from the Onion, but it's not.

The Biblical Christian said...

I can't believe this... Those conservatives would do anything, even twist God's words, to just fit their political agenda. Although I support neither party, and I do not think that either party does what God wants them to do, at least the Democrats don't seem to twist the Bible for their own agenda. But what the Republicans do is disgusting, for they manipulate His words for their politics. This is sad...

Anonymous said...

(REV 22:18-19) "If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book."
Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life.

From the skepticsannotatedbible.com

i hate tossing out scripture since I don't actually believe in any of it but I thought I would toss this out there just to show that what these idiots are doing are directly against what the book says. Not that they really care.

Really, if you think about it, these people, I think, already know that the bible is not a word of god but the words of men and are simply remaking their god in their own image, as has been done for thousands of years.

Ritchie Annand said...

I don't think Andy is trying to kill it at all, Steve, at least judging from the Talk: pages in there and the edit histories.

Folks are also having a grand old time over his suggested replacement of "bimbo" for "damsel" in Mark 6:28

Steve Wells said...

You're probably right, Richie.

I sure hope you are, because the whole world is laughing at them. And I've seen almost no support from conservatives or believers.

Matthew Blanchette said...

Hell, even Stephen Colbert is laughing at them, and that's saying something...

Mountain Mom said...

Cool. It's like the Jefferson Bible. Cut and paste, fair and balanced, wtf!