God's 9th Killing: "The Lord took off their chariot wheels."

God's last mass murder pretty much did the trick. The very night that God killed every firstborn Egyptian child and animal, Pharaoh told Moses to go.

And he called for Moses and Aaron by night, and said, Rise up, and get you forth from among my people, both ye and the children of Israel; and go, serve the LORD, as ye have said. Also take your flocks and your herds, as ye have said, and be gone; and bless me also. Exodus 12:31-32

So Moses rounded up all three million or so Israelites, all their flocks, and herds, and cattle, all their baked unleavened cakes, and all the silver, gold, and clothes that they could steal from the Egyptians, and left town.

And everything would have ended happily ever after, too, if God could have resisted the temptation to harden the Pharaoh's heart a few more times.

But a God's gotta do what a God's gotta do.

You see, the Pharaoh's heart was just too damned soft to suit God. So he set about hardening it a bit more. (He had to harden it 8 times in order to pull off his 8th killing.)

I will harden Pharaoh's heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the LORD. Exodus 14:4

And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh. Exodus 14:8

I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen. Exodus 14:17-18

So God hardened Pharaoh's heart some more and got himself a little more honor.

Of course he had to kill some more Egyptians so that they would know that he is the Lord. Sometimes you have to kill people in order to teach them something.

So that's what God did. And you saw the movie so you know the rest of the story. God parted the sea so the Israelites could cross and then drowned the Egyptian army.

But part I like best they didn't show in the movie. God got right out there with his wrenches and whatnot and removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. How cool is that?

And it came to pass, that in the morning watch the LORD looked unto the host of the Egyptians through the pillar of fire and of the cloud, and troubled the host of the Egyptians, And took off their chariot wheels. Exodus 14:24-25

That would have been fun to watch.

OK. So how many Egyptians drowned to get God some more honor?

Well we know there were at least 600, since that's how many chariots the Pharaoh sent after the Israelites. But Pharaoh would probably have sent a lot more than that to go after a few million escaping slaves.

I probably greatly underestimated the number (Is the amount of honor that God gets proportional to the number he kills?), but I said 1000.

What verse is Carrie Prejean reading?

It's hard to tell, but it looks like it's from near the end of the Old Testament.

It's probably something on Biblically correct "opposite marriage."

Maybe it's

Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them. Ezekiel 16:17

Or

For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20

Or

Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

Or

Drink thou also, and let thy foreskin be uncovered. Habakkuk 2:16

Or

Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3

Which verse do you think it is?

God's 8th KIlling: "The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt."

Since I've already dealt with this in a previous post, and the story is familiar to most people, I'll keep this short. What I'd like to focus on here is God's motive for the killings.

God starts planning the mass murder in Chapter 3 of Exodus, and he doesn't stop talking about it until he kills every Egyptian firstborn child (and animal!) in Exodus 12.

So why did God do it?

Well, it seems that he did it mostly just to show off.

To show off his signs and wonders:

I will stretch out my hand, and smite Egypt with all my wonders. Exodus 3:20

I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and multiply my signs and my wonders in the land of Egypt ... And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD. Exodus 7:5-7

Go in unto Pharaoh: for I have hardened his heart, and the heart of his servants, that I might shew these my signs before him: Exodus 10:1

And the LORD said unto Moses, Pharaoh shall not hearken unto you; that my wonders may be multiplied in the land of Egypt. Exodus 11:9

To show what he can do:

Now shalt thou see what I will do to Pharaoh. Exodus 6:1

To show that there is nobody else on earth quite like him:

For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth. Exodus 9:14

To make himself famous (so that everyone will know his name):

That my name may be declared throughout all the earth. Exodus 9:16

To give us a story to tell our children and grandchildren:

That thou mayest tell in the ears of thy son, and of thy son's son, what things I have wrought in Egypt. Exodus 10:2

To show that the whole earth belongs to him:

That thou mayest know how that the earth is the LORD's. Exodus 9:29

To prove that he is God:

In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD. Exodus 7:17

That ye may know how that I am the LORD. Exodus 10:2

To show that he likes Israelites more than Egyptians:

That ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel. Exodus 11:7

And to punish the Egyptian Gods:

Against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment. Exodus 12:12

Well, I guess those motives are about as good as any for a mass murder.

In any case, God is clearly proud of this one. And it's no wonder. It wasn't all that easy to pull off, even for God.

God had to harden the Pharaoh's heart eight times (Exodus 4:21; 7:3, 13; 9:12; 10:1, 20, 27; 11:10) to make it all work out as planned.

Some hearts are hard for even the Bible god to harden.

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Notes:

• I originally set the number of victims at 500,000, from a conservative estimate of the Egyptian population at the time the Exodus was supposed to have occurred. But in this case, as was pointed out in the comments, the number can be derived directly from the Bible.

  According to Exodus 12:37 there were 600,000 Hebrew men that left Egypt. So the total number of Israelites must have been several million, when women and children are included. If there were several million Israelite slaves, there must have been many more Egyptians. Let's say there were twice as many. That would make 6 million Egyptians. If one-sixth of them were first born sons, a million Egyptians were killed by God (or the angel sent by God to do his dirty work for him).

• This killing is highlighted in the Green Bible. I think that's because God killed all the firstborn Egyptian animals, too. Animals are important to God; he wouldn't have killed them otherwise.

Why Christian "Marriage" is Wrong

Christians claim that the Bible condemns gay marriage. It doesn't^*.

The Bible says nothing at all about gay marriage. But it has plenty to say about Christian "marriage."

1. The Bible says that Christians should not marry.
   (God doesn't want Christians to marry. We shouldn't either.)

   Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:27

   For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

2. But if a Christian man decides to get married (which he shouldn't), he can have more than one wife.

   If he take him another wife.... Exodus 21:10

3. And if he doesn't like one of his wives (like if she's unclean or ugly or something), he can divorce her.

   When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. Deuteronomy 24:1

4. If a Christian man gets married and then discovers on his wedding night that his new wife is not a virgin, then he and the other Christian men must stone her to death.

   If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate.... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-17

5. Christians shouldn't have sex (even if they are married, which they shouldn't be).
   

   But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:29

   It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

6. Christian parents must beat their children (which they shouldn't have, since they shouldn't get married or have sex).

   He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24

   Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18

   Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15

   Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14

7. Good Christians must hate their families.
   (If you abandon them for Jesus, he'll give you a big reward.)

   If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

   And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Mattthew 19:29

8. And kill their disobedient children.

   If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother ... Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city ... And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 21:18-21

   He that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. Exodus 21:15

   He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

   For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

   God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

9. And kill their families, if they have religiously incorrect ideas.

   If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you ... Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

10. And finally, like Abraham (Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, et al.), Christian parents should be willing to kill their children for God.

    And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him ... Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. Genesis 22:1-2, 10

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*The Bible tell us to kill homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13). Dead people seldom marry.

Legos: The perfect medium for the book of Revelation

It's impossible for a sane person to take the Book of Revelation seriously. But it can be a lot of fun to read -- especially when illustrated with legos.

The Reverend Brendan Powell Smith has begun to do stories from the book of Revelation. The first four are now available here.

What other medium could deal with this description of Jesus?

And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw seven golden candlesticks; And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword. Revelation 1:12-16

Here's the illustration from the Brick Testament.

Now that's what Jesus looks like!

Or used to, anyway. Jesus' appearance changes a bit toward the end of Revelation. By then he has tortured and killed billions of people. And you just can't do that without messing up your clothes a bit. So Jesus' gown is dripping with blood, but he still has the sword sticking out of his mouth.

And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war. His eyes were as a flame of fire, and on his head were many crowns; and he had a name written, that no man knew, but he himself. And he was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God. And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. Revelation 19:11-15

But I guess we'll have to wait to see the new lego Jesus with his clothes dripping in blood.

The Passover Plot -- God's Intelligently Designed Mass Murder

(Re-post for Passover)

Today at sunset is the beginning of Passover, a religious festival celebrating the mass murder of every non-Jewish "firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast." And the murderer is God himself.

Of course God had a motive for the murders. The Israelites (his favorite people) were enslaved by the Pharaoh, and God wanted them to be set free. And he tried all sorts of things to get Pharaoh's attention.

First he taught Moses some magic tricks. Like how to throw his rod on the ground and turn it into a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and make it a rod again.

And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it. And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand. Exodus 4:2-4

Next God showed Moses how to make his hand leprous and then cure it.

And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow. And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh. Exodus 4:6-7

And finally, God taught Moses to turn water into blood.

And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land. Exodus 4:9

God knew that none of this would work though, since he planned to harden Pharaoh's heart. (I guess he just wanted Moses to show off his magic tricks in front of Pharaoh anyway.)

And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:21

So God teaches Moses the magic tricks and then hardens the Pharaoh's heart to ensure that the tricks won't work. How's that for an intelligently designed plan?

But God had another plan up his sleeve: murder.

And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn: And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

In the very next verse, God's plans are interrupted by another divine impulse to kill. God tries to kill Moses!

And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Exodus 4:24

The Bible doesn't say why God tried to kill Moses, but it had something to do with foreskins. Here's what the holy book says.

Then Zipporah [Moses' wife] took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. Exodus 4:25

Makes sense to me. But back to the main murder story.

Moses recruits his brother, Aaron, to be his spokesman (since Moses has "uncircumscribed lips") and Aaron performs the rod to serpent magic trick for the Pharaoh. But darn it all! Pharaoh's magicians know that trick, too. Luckily it ends well, since Aaron's rod/snake swallows theirs.

And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron's rod swallowed up their rods. Exodus 7:10-12

Even with such a great trick, the Pharaoh was still unconvinced. But then I guess that was because God hardened his heart again.

And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them.Exodus 7:13

So enough with the tricks. It's time for God to get serious. He begins with the famous ten plagues of Egypt. I won't go through all that, since I want to complete this post while it's still passover. But here's a list.

1. Rivers turned to blood. (Pharaoh's magicians did this one too.) Exodus 7:17-24 BT

2. Frogs. (The magicians know the frog trick too!) Exodus 8:1-7 BT

3. Lice. (This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs.) Exodus 8:16-19 BT

4. Flies (continuing the frogs and lice theme) Exodus 8:21 BT

5. All cattle in Egypt die. Exodus 9:3-6 BT

6. Boils and blains upon man and beast. Exodus 9:9 BT

7. Hail. Exodus 9:19 BT

8. Locusts. Exodus 10: 4-15 BT

9. Three days of darkness. Exodus 10:21-23 BT

10. God kills all Egyptian firstborn humans and animals. Exodus 12: 29-30 BT

It is, of course, the last plague that is celebrated at passover, with the focus on how God knew who to kill.

Even for God, mass murder is a complicated and messy business. But God learned from his previous mistakes. In Noah's flood and at Sodom and Gomorrah, God didn't worry too much about collateral damage. He just drowned or burned to death everyone (except Noah, Lot, and some family members). This time, though, God wanted to be more selective in his killings.

So how did he decide which children to kill? Well, here's what he came up with.

Speak ye unto all the congregation of Israel, saying ... they shall take to them every man a lamb ... without blemish, a male of the first year ... and the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel shall kill it in the evening. And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses. ... For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast. ... And when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt. Exodus 12: 3-13

You've got to hand it to God. That is quite a plan.

God himself will come down and kill every firstborn child and animal (How did he know which was firstborn?) except for in houses that had lamb's blood smeared on door posts. But if he sees blood on door posts he will "passover" that house and refrain from murdering any children or pets.

And, if you are foolish and nasty enough to believe in the Bible, that is exactly what God did.

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12: 29-30

How could anyone celebrate passover or worship the God of the passover plot?