27 October 2010

Tim Profitt, Tea Party Joshua

You've probably heard about Tim Profitt, the Rand Paul coordinator that stomped on the neck and head of a woman protester. If not, here's a video.

In the interview, Mr. Profitt says it was "no big deal." In fact, he thinks the victim, Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org, owes him an apology.

I wonder if he got the idea for his neck stomping from Bible. There's a similar story that involves one of God's special heroes: Joshua.

Here's what Joshua did to his opponents.

And it came to pass, when they brought out those kings unto Joshua, that Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. Joshua 10:24

But Joshua's captains were reluctant to do it, so Joshua had to encourage them a bit.

And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:25

God himself would put his foot on the necks of all his enemies. So go and do likewise.

And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:25

So Joshua (and God?) put his foot on the kings' necks. Then he killed them and hung their bodies on trees until evening.

And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. Joshua 10:26

So if Mr. Profitt was inspired by the story in Joshua 10, I'm glad he stopped reading at verse 25.

Current's Wager

If you wear garlic around your neck and vampires don't exist, you have nothing to lose.

But if vampires do exist and you don't have garlic around your neck, you have everything to lose. (About 12 pints of blood, anyway.)

So wearing garlic around your neck for your whole entire life is clearly the safest bet.

24 October 2010

1 Nephi 16: A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow

After Nephi finished preaching to his evil older brothers, they all got down to more important matters.

Like sex.

Remember how Lehi's family left Jerusalem to "go into the wilderness" and somehow ended up more than 400 kilometers away on the shores of the Red Sea; then they remembered they forgot something (Lehi's brass plates), so Nephi and his brothers had to go back to Jerusalem to get them; and then when they got back from that trip (after murdering Laban with God's help and stealing the plates) they remembered that they forgot to bring any women (except for their mom); So they went back to get some?

Well they got some alright (Ishmael's daughters), but they never got around to doing anything with them because Lehi, Nephi, God, and the camp-following angels wouldn't STFU.

So when it finally came to pass that he, Nephi, made an end of his speaking, Nephi, his brothers, and Zoram (Laban's servant) all got married to Ishmael's nameless daughters.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also, my brethren took of the daughters of Ishmael to wife; and also Zoram took the eldest daughter of Ishmael to wife. 1 Nephi 16: 7

It was a group wedding with Lehi serving as the Reverend Moon, saying stuff like, "Do you [Nephi, Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Zoram] take what's her name here to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

After getting that all taken care of, God showed Lehi something really interesting.

And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass. And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 10

A magic brass ball of curious workmanship that was designed and made by God himself! God's magic ball had two spindles on it, one pointing the way to go and the other pointing in some other direction.

Here's what it looked like.

So now that they had their magic ball, they packed up camp, gathered seeds of every kind, crossed the River Laman, and took off in whatever direction God's brass ball pointed. After traveling for four days in a SSE direction, they set up camp at a place they called Shazer.

And it came to pass that we did ... take seed of every kind ... across the river Laman. And it came to pass that we traveled for the space of four days, nearly a south-southeast direction, and we did pitch our tents again; and we did call the name of the place Shazer. 1 Nephi 16: 11-13

They followed God's magic ball around for four more days in "the more fertile parts of the wilderness," killing stuff for food with their bows and arrows and slings.

And it came to pass that we did travel for the space of many days, slaying food by the way, with our bows and our arrows and our stones and our slings. And we did follow the directions of the ball, which led us in the more fertile parts of the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 15-16

And then it came to pass that Nephi broke his steel bow.

And it came to pass that as I, Nephi, went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine steel. 1 Nephi 16: 18

Of course steel didn't exist at the time, wouldn't work well for a bow anyway, and would be hard to break. But, oh well. This is the Book of Mormon.

Apparently none of the other bows worked either, because after Nephi broke his no one else could kill a thing.

And it came to pass that we did return without food to our families, and being much fatigued, because of their journeying, they did suffer much for the want of food. 1 Nephi 16: 19

So everyone "began to murmur exceedingly." Heck even Nephi's dad Lehi "began to murmur against the Lord."

And it came to pass that Laman and Lemuel and the sons of Ishmael did begin to murmur exceedingly, because of their sufferings and afflictions in the wilderness; and also my father began to murmur against the Lord his God; yea, and they were all exceedingly sorrowful, even that they did murmur against the Lord. 1 Nephi 16: 20

So Nephi made another bow and arrow out of wood and a straight stick.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food? 1 Nephi 16: 23a

But Nephi didn't know where to hunt with his new bow. So he asked his dad (when he had stopped murmuring).

And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food? 1 Nephi 16: 23b

Lehi inquired of the Lord (Hey God. Where should we go to kill some animals?) Then voice of the Lord came to Lehi telling him to look on the magic ball where he'd find a text message from God.

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came unto my father; and he was truly chastened because of his murmuring against the Lord, insomuch that he was brought down into the depths of sorrow. And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord said unto him: Look upon the ball, and behold the things which are written. 1 Nephi 16: 25-26

And it came to pass that when they saw the text message from God they did fear and tremble exceedingly.

And it came to pass that when my father beheld the things which were written upon the ball, he did fear and tremble exceedingly 1 Nephi 16: 27

Now the magic brass ball didn't work like a magic 8 ball. Magic 8 balls work all of the time for everyone, whereas the brass ball only works if you believe it will work. And, of course, Nephi believed anything and everything, the crazier the better.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld the pointers which were in the ball, that they did work according to the faith and diligence and heed which we did give unto them. 1 Nephi 16: 28

So the pointers pointed in just the right directions if you believed that they pointed in just the right directions.

But the coolest thing of all was the text messages. They "changed from time to time" according to the faith of the person reading the message.

And there was also written upon them a new writing, which was plain to be read, which did give us understanding concerning the ways of the Lord; and it was written and changed from time to time, according to the faith and diligence which we gave unto it. And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things. 1 Nephi 16: 29

The message on the brass ball told Nephi to go to the top of the mountain.

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did go forth up into the top of the mountain, according to the directions which were given upon the ball. 1 Nephi 16: 30

So Nephi went to the mountain top and killed wild beasts.

And it came to pass that I did slay wild beasts, insomuch that I did obtain food for our families. 1 Nephi 16: 31

(Stay with me here. The chapter's almost done, I promise.)
After eating the wild beasts, they traveled many days.

And it came to pass that we did again take our journey, traveling nearly the same course as in the beginning; and after we had traveled for the space of many days we did pitch our tents again, that we might tarry for the space of a time. 1 Nephi 16: 33

Then Ishmael dies, his daughters mourn exceedingly, and Nephi's brothers and Ishmael's sons decide to kill Nephi and Lehi.

And it came to pass that Ishmael died, and was buried in the place which was called Nahom. And it came to pass that the daughters of Ishmael did mourn exceedingly ... And Laman said unto Lemuel and also unto the sons of Ishmael: Behold, let us slay our father, and also our brother Nephi. 1 Nephi 16: 34-37

But then "the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them" and gave them some food. So they decided not to kill Nephi and Lehi.

And it came to pass that ... the voice of the Lord came and did speak many words unto them ... did bless us again with food, that we did not perish. 1 Nephi 16: 37

And with that the chapter finally comes to an end.


Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 17: The Trip to Bountiful

22 October 2010

Surah 2:190-217 -- Allah's Rules for Holy Warfare

In this section, Allah lays down the rules of war for the religion of peace.

The first rule is that you must "fight in the way of Allah," but only against those that fight against you, and, even then, you can't start the war yourself. So preemptive war is out for Muslims.

Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but begin not hostilities. Lo! Allah loveth not aggressors. 2:190

I'm confused by the next verse, though. "Slay them wherever you find them." Who is the "them" here? Disbelievers? Those that "persecute" Muslims? Soldiers and civilians? In warfare and in acts of terrorism?

And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. ... Such is the reward of disbelievers. 2:191

But whomever it is that Allah wants you to kill, you're supposed to stop killing them if they stop doing whatever it was (fighting with you, persecuting Islam, being disbelievers?) that you were busy killing them for. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Confusing.

But if they desist, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:192

Or maybe not. Now Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people.

And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. 2:193a

Well, not quite, I guess. If there are any wrong-doers around after you've killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you'll have to kill them too.

But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers. 2:193b

Whatever nasty stuff people do to you in war, you must do to them. Rape for rape, genocide for genocide, torture for torture. Allah is with those who fight evil with evil.

The forbidden month for the forbidden month, and forbidden things in retaliation. And one who attacketh you, attack him in like manner as he attacked you. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is with those who ward off (evil). 2:194

Always remember that "warfare is ordained for you." Allah wants you to fight in wars. You probably don't want to, but Allah thinks it's good for you. And Allah knows best.

Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. 2:216

It's you and your religion against them and theirs. They won't stop fighting until they make you a "renegade from your religion" and if they succeed in that so you die in disbelief, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire.

... persecution is worse than killing. And they will not cease from fighting against you till they have made you renegades from your religion, if they can. And whoso becometh a renegade and dieth in his disbelief: such are they whose works have fallen both in the world and the Hereafter. Such are rightful owners of the Fire: they will abide therein. 2:217

So get out there an fight in the way of Allah
(or he'll burn you forever in the Fire after you die).


Bogging the Quran
2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

15 October 2010

1 Nephi 15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)

Remember back in chapter 8 when Lehi had a dream about a tree? Yeah, well, it's back again. And this time it's causing all sorts of trouble for Nephi's brothers.

You see, they just couldn't figure it all out. What was it, anyway? And who cares? A crazy old man dreams about a tree and they're supposed to believe it has some cosmic significance, some deep spiritual meaning?

Well, yes they are. This is the Book of Mormon after all.

And it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been carried away in the spirit, and seen all these things, I returned to the tent of my father.

And it came to pass that I beheld my brethren, and they were disputing one with another concerning the things my father had spoken unto them.

...

And it came to pass that after I had received strength I spake unto my brethren, desiring to know of them the cause of their disputations.

And they said: Behold, we cannot understand the words which our father hath spoken concerning the natural branches of the olive-tree, and also concerning the Gentiles. 1 Nephi 15:1-7

Of course the main problem with Nephi's brothers was that they didn't inquire of the Lord enough. It's nearly impossible to believe complete and obvious bullshit without God's help.

And I [Nephi] said unto them: Have ye inquired of the Lord?

And they said unto me: We have not. 1 Nephi 15:8-9

Another reason they didn't believe the stuff about the tree is that they were such evil bastards. They didn't follow the commandments and their hearts were way too hard.

Behold, I [Nephi] said unto them: How is it that ye do not keep the commandments of the Lord? How is it that ye will perish, because of the hardness of your hearts? Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said? -- If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you. 1 Nephi 15:10-11

So Nephi explained it all to them again. The grafting of the branches thing is all about Joseph Smith who will (2423 years later) find and translate the golden plates and thereby produce the Book of Mormon that will bring "the fulness of the gospel" to the Gentiles. (And if that isn't perfectly obvious to you, you are an evil bastard that hasn't inquired of the Lord.)

And now, the thing which our father meaneth concerning the grafting in of the natural branches through the fulness of the Gentiles, is, that in the latter days, when our seed shall have dwindled in unbelief, yea, for the space of many years, and many generations after the Messiah shall be manifested in body unto the children of men, then shall the fulness of the gospel of the Messiah come unto the Gentiles, and from the Gentiles unto the remnant of our seed. 1 Nephi 15:13

Nephi says that someday the Native Americans (who centuries later will become a dark, loathsome, filthy, idle, and abominable people for dwindling in unbelief) will all become Mormons and be saved. (I suppose God will then make them fair , white, and delightsome like good Mormons are today.)

And at that day shall the remnant of our seed know that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the covenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and come to the knowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved. 1 Nephi 15:14

Nephi goes on to explain the tree, iron rod, and river to his hard-hearted evil brothers.

And it came to pass that I did speak many words unto my brethren, that they were pacified and did humble themselves before the Lord. 1 Nephi 15:20

But I'm going to skip all that. Nephi and I told you about it once before, and once was once too many.

But there is something new in Nephi's spiel. It's all about filthiness.

It goes like this: If your works are filthy, then you are filthy. And if you're filthy, you can't go to heaven because you'd make God's kingdom filthy.

Wherefore, if they should die in their wickedness they must be cast off also ... to be judged of their works; and if their works have been filthiness they must needs be filthy; and if they be filthy it must needs be that they cannot dwell in the kingdom of God; if so, the kingdom of God must be filthy also. 1 Nephi 15:33

But, you see, the kingdom of God isn't filthy, so God had to make a filthy place to put filthy people like you in after you die.

But behold, I say unto you, the kingdom of God is not filthy, and there cannot any unclean thing enter into the kingdom of God; wherefore there must needs be a place of filthiness prepared for that which is filthy. 1 Nephi 15:34

And that filthy place is hell. "And the devil is the preparator of it." (Joseph Smith liked to make up words just like Sarah Palin!)

And there is a place prepared, yea, even that awful hell of which I have spoken, and the devil is the preparator of it 1 Nephi 15:35

And thus it is and so on and so forth. Amen.

And thus I spake unto my brethren. Amen. 1 Nephi 15:36

Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next Episode: 1 Nephi 16 -- A group marriage, magic brass ball, and broken steel bow

14 October 2010

12 October 2010

Surah 2:159-189 -- Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex

The section begins in the usual way. Allah repeats his threats and curses for non-believers, as he does throughout the Quran. Believe whatever Allah revealed to Muhammad or Allah torture you forever after you die.

Lo! Those who hide the proofs and the guidance which We revealed, after We had made it clear to mankind in the Scripture: such are accursed of Allah and accursed of those who have the power to curse. 2:159

This verse is a bit different than most, though. Allah will curse those who "hide the proofs and the guidance" that he revealed. But how can you hide things that don't exist? There are no proofs anywhere in the Quran and whatever guidance is there is almost always bad.

But it gives me an idea, though. Maybe instead of a "Burn the Quran Day" we should have a "Hide the Quran Day." Put it where the sun doesn't shine.

In any case, since I do my best to expose the Quran for the vicious bullshit that it is, I suppose verse 159 would apply to me. But verses 161-2 apply to everyone who disbelieves in the Quran, for whatever reason. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.

So every good Muslim man must join Allah and the angels in cursing nonbelievers.

Lo! Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They ever dwell therein. The doom will not be lightened for them, neither will they be reprieved. 2:161-2

Whoever hides the Quran will get fire in his belly. (So that's where I got the fire in my belly!) And after they die they will get that painful doom that Allah is always promising in the Quran. "How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire!"

Lo! those who hide aught of the Scripture which Allah hath revealed and purchase a small gain therewith, they eat into their bellies nothing else than fire. ... Theirs will be a painful doom. Those are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, and torment at the price of pardon. How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire! 2:174-5

Yeah, that's right Allah. We unbelievers are just begging to have our skins burned off repeatedly after we die. It's about all we ever think about.

After Allah curses and threatens the unbelievers, he calls them names, like deaf, dumb, blind, and senseless.

The likeness of those who disbelieve (in relation to the messenger) is as the likeness of one who calleth unto that which heareth naught except a shout and cry. Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.2:171

Then Allah gets tired of cursing, threatening, and name-calling, and he gets down to some more practical matters. Don't eat carrion, blood, pork, or animals that have been sacrificed to other gods.

He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. 2:173

And then he says something nice for a change.

Giveth wealth ... to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free ... and payeth the poor-due. 2:177

"Set the slaves free." Does this mean that slavery is forbidden in the Quran? Don't ask me, I'm just one of those deaf, dumb, blind, senseless, and cursed unbelievers.

But I guess not. The next verse answers the question.

O ye who believe! Retaliation is prescribed for you in the matter of the murdered; the freeman for the freeman, and the slave for the slave, and the female for the female. ... He who transgresseth after this will have a painful doom. 2:178

If someone murders your slave, then you get to kill one of his. If it was a male that was killed, you kill one of the killer's male slaves. If a female, you kill a female. Murder for murder. Slave for slave. It all works out swell with Allah's wondrous rules. (Oh, and if you don't follow them, you'll have the usual painful doom.)

And there is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)

And there is life for you in retaliation, O men of understanding, that ye may ward off (evil). 2:179

The Republicans should like the next verse, though. It forbids what Tea Baggers they like to call the "death tax." So when rich Muslims die, they must leave all of their wealth to their families.

It is prescribed for you, when death approacheth one of you, if he leave wealth, that he bequeath unto parents and near relatives in kindness. (This is) a duty for all those who ward off (evil). 2:180

The section ends with rules for fasting and Ramadan, which are too boring to go through. But all Muslims must follow them "to ward off evil."

The good news is that it's OK to have sex with your wives during Ramadan (at least after sunset). In fact you must "hold intercourse with them." All of them. It is your sacred Muslim duty.

It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. ... So hold intercourse with them. 2:87

Bogging the Quran
2: 190-217 -- Allah's rules for holy warfare

10 October 2010

09 October 2010

1 Nephi 14: There are only two churches - the church of God (the Mormons) and the church of the devil (everyone else)

Nephi's angel finally stops talking in this chapter. But he saved his best stuff for last.
Once again it's important to keep in mind the historical context of the angel's revelations to Nephi. This was 600 BCE, before most of the books in the Hebrew scriptures were written, about 700 years before the Christian New Testament existed, nearly 1000 years before the canon of the Christian Bible was established, and 2423 years before Joseph Smith found his golden plates. Yet the angel refers to, and often quotes from, all of these sources.
The angel starts off by giving all of you "gentiles" out there in "the promised land" a bit of hope. ("Gentiles" are non-Mormons and "the promised land" is the United States in Mormon-speak).
And it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God ... And harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, ... and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever. 1 Nephi 14:1-2
All you have to do is become a Mormon and then everything will be cool. Otherwise -- well, you probably know what the otherwise is, but if not, just wait a few verses and the angel will tell you.
Remember the "great and abominable church founded by the devil" (the Catholic church) that the angel went on and on about in the last chapter? Well, it's back. And this time it's dug a pit, with the devil's help, to lead folks down to hell.
And that great pit, which hath been digged for them by that great and abominable church, which was founded by the devil and his children, that he might lead away the souls of men down to hell. 1 Nephi 14:3
So if you're a gentile, you've only got two choices: become a Mormon or fall into the Catholic pit that leads to hell.
And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, Nephi, saying: Thou hast beheld that if the Gentiles repent it shall be well with them ... [but] whoso repenteth not must perish. Therefore, wo be unto the Gentiles if it so be that they harden their hearts against the Lamb of God. 1 Nephi 14:5-6
Next, the angel tells Nephi that the lamb of God (Jesus) says that the time will come (2423 years later) when a 17 year old treasure digger from New York (Joseph Smith) will find some golden plates and translate them by staring into his hat at some magic rocks thereby producing the "great and marvelous work" that we now know as the Book of Mormon and that you and I now have the great pleasure of reading.
This book is, according to the angel, the best and most important book by far that you, me, or anyone else will ever read. And we'll be tortured forever after we die unless we believe it.
For the time cometh, saith the Lamb of God, that I will work a great and a marvelous work among the children of men; a work which shall be everlasting, either on the one hand or on the other -- either to the convincing of them unto peace and life eternal, or unto the deliverance of them to the hardness of their hearts and the blindness of their minds unto their being brought down into captivity, and also into destruction, both temporally and spiritually, according to the captivity of the devil, of which I have spoken. 1 Nephi 14:7
Then the angel shows Nephi the Catholic church again.
And it came to pass that he said unto me: Look, and behold that great and abominable church, which is the mother of abominations, whose founder is the devil. 1 Nephi 14:9
And then the angel says something completely different. He tells Nephi that there aren't many churches (there weren't any churches at the time, of course), there are only two churches: God's and Satan's. Lutherans, Presbyterians, Jehovah's Witnesses, Unitarians, whatever -- they're all the same. They all belong to "that great church, which is the mother of abominations ... the whore of all the earth that sat upon many waters."
All non-Mormons are God-damned Catholics in the eyes of God.
And he said unto me: Behold there are save two churches only; the one is the church of the Lamb of God, and the other is the church of the devil; wherefore, whoso belongeth not to the church of the Lamb of God belongeth to that great church, which is the mother of abominations; and she is the whore of all the earth. And it came to pass that I looked and beheld the whore of all the earth, and she sat upon many waters; and she had dominion over all the earth, among all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people. 1 Nephi 14:10-11
Then the angel showed Nephi the Mormon church. There weren't many Mormons, though, because of that fucking whore that sat on many waters.
And it came to pass that I beheld the church of the Lamb of God, and its numbers were few, because of the wickedness and abominations of the whore who sat upon many waters; nevertheless, I beheld that the church of the Lamb, who were the saints of God, were also upon all the face of the earth; and their dominions upon the face of the earth were small, because of the wickedness of the great whore whom I saw. 1 Nephi 14:12
God hated pretty much everyone on earth (they were all just a bunch of Catholics to him) until the Mormons showed up.
And it came to pass that I beheld that the wrath of God was poured out upon that great and abominable church, insomuch that there were wars and rumors of wars among all the nations and kindreds of the earth. And as there began to be wars and rumors of wars among all the nations which belonged to the mother of abominations, the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold, the wrath of God is upon the mother of harlots; and behold, thou seest all these things -- And when the day cometh that the wrath of God is poured out upon the mother of harlots, which is the great and abominable church of all the earth, whose founder is the devil, then, at that day, the work of the Father shall commence. 1 Nephi 14:15-17
Then the angel told Nephi to look over there. You see that guy in the white robe? That's the apostle John who will write the Book of Revelation about 700 years from now. (Which doesn't make a lot of sense since the apostle John didn't write Revelation, but oh well.)
And it came to pass that the angel spake unto me, saying: Look! And I looked and beheld a man, and he was dressed in a white robe. And the angel said unto me: Behold one of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. ... he shall also write concerning the end of the world. ... And I, Nephi, heard and bear record, that the name of the apostle of the Lamb was John, according to the word of the angel. 1 Nephi 14:18-22, 27
The white-robed guy will write things that are just and true just like everything else that is written in "the book that proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew." ("The book that prceeded out of the mouth of the Jew" is BoM-speak for the Bible.)
Wherefore, the things which he shall write are just and true; and behold they are written in the book which thou beheld proceeding out of the mouth of the Jew; and at the time they proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew, or, at the time the book proceeded out of the mouth of the Jew, the things which were written were plain and pure, and most precious and easy to the understanding of all men. 1 Nephi 14:23
And that's all Nephi is going to say about that. The angel won't let him say any more. So don't ask. But the angel showed Nephi lots of other cool stuff that he can't tell you about right now.
And behold, I, Nephi, am forbidden that I should write the remainder of the things which I saw and heard; wherefore the things which I have written sufficeth me; and I have written but a small part of the things which I saw. 1 Nephi 14:28
Finally the angel stopped talking and Nephi quit writing down the things that he saw while he got all carried away. But it's all true. And thus it is. Amen. 10-4 good buddy. Over and out.
And now I make an end of speaking concerning the things which I saw while I was carried away in the spirit; and if all the things which I saw are not written, the things which I have written are true. And thus it is. Amen. 1 Nephi 14:30


Blogging the Book of Mormon
Next episode -- 1 Nephi 15: Nephi explains his dad's magic tree (again)

08 October 2010

Unitarian Sex: Doug Wilson explains why masturbation is wrong

I know, I've been spending way too much time with Doug Wilson. People are beginning to talk. But I can't help it. He's such a fun guy to hang out with.

Doug's latest post explains why masturbation is so dreadfully wrong. It has to do with Jesus and the church.

It goes like this.

Jesus never married, not when he was alive anyway. But later on, after he was dead, he married the church. And he and the church have been doing what comes naturally to normal heterosexual couples ever since.

Now if a man (Who gives a shit about women?) has sex with himself, well, that's like Jesus having sex, not with the church, but with himself. Which is really kind of creepy. And after Jesus has Unitarian sex with himself, he has to cut off his hand or pluck out his eye, or maybe even stone himself to death. (And he's already dead.) You wouldn't want to see that happen, now would you?

So remember, every time you masturbate, Jesus does too -- and then he stones himself to death after cutting off his hand and plucking out an eye. Think about that while you're masturbating to Christine O'Donnell!

Here's Doug's quote. It sounds so much better the way he says it.

And all men, single or married, should recognize that solitary sex is not the normative biblical pattern. Recalling that the love between a man and woman is a picture of Christ and the church, we should note that, quite apart from the moral and self-discipline issues involved, masturbation is lousy theology.

Randomdude123, whose comment I mistakenly deleted (I've asked him to repost), has brought up an important point. Jesus is the husband and the church is his bride. So when a male member of the church masturbates, Jesus is like Christine O'Donnell saying, "Why am I here?" Jesus wants to have sex with you, but you're busy having UU sex with yourself.

But that would be a good thing, wouldn't it? If Jesus has sex with a male church member, then we'd have to kill him according to Leviticus 20:13. So by masturbating you are saving Jesus. Or something like that.

If you want to know for sure, go ask Doug.

06 October 2010

The Moral Landscape: Get off your ass scientists



OK. That’s not really the title to the book. It was Jon Stewart’s suggested title during his interview of Sam Harris on the Daily Show. But as Sam said, it would have made a good subtitle.

It’s time for us all (scientists and non-scientists) to get off our asses and get to work.

For too long the semi-official position among scientists and other otherwise reasonable people has been this with regard to morality: Science has nothing to say about it. But it does. In fact, it is the only way we have of getting our morals right.

Obi-Wan Kenobi isn’t our only hope. Science is.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Sam Harris
www.thedailyshow.com
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It was an interesting interview, but the part I liked best was this:

The God of Abraham gets slavery wrong. Slavery is probably the easiest moral question we’ve ever had to face. And if this book [the Bible] was written by an omniscient deity, the true source of moral wisdom in the universe, it should at least get the question of whether it’s right to own people and treat them like farm equipment right. It doesn’t get that question right. The God of Abraham clearly expects us to keep slaves.
One of the reasons I haven't been posting much lately is that I've been harassing Doug Wilson at his blog. (The other is that I'm reading Sam Harris' new book.) I've especially been pestering him on the issue of slavery, which he used to call "a wonderful issue" about which "the Bible speaks most directly, again and again."

Here’s what he said in Southern Slavery As It Was.
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented in this booklet is that we will say (out loud) that a godly man could have been a slave owner. But this "inflammatory" position is the very point upon which the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. In other words, more people will struggle with what we are saying at the point where the Bible speaks most clearly. There is no exegetical vagueness here.
...
This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, and it acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe?
I'm trying to find out if Mr. Wilson still believes that slavery is "wonderful issue." I'm guessing that he doesn't, since he no longer likes to talk (out loud) about it.

I wonder if he agrees more now with the Bible or with Sam Harris?

I'll let you know if I get an answer.

(I recommend that you all visit Doug's blog. But if you do, be nice. Don't call the folks over there ignorant sluts. That really makes them mad.)



October 7th Update: Apparently Doug Wilson's view of slavery hasn't changed, at least it was the same in 2005 when he published Black and Tan. Here are some excepts.
The reason why many Christians will be tempted to dismiss the arguments presented here is that I am saying (out lout) that a godly man in 1850 could have been a slave owner. But this “inflammatory” position is the very point where the Bible speaks most directly, again and again. p.46

This entire issue of slavery is a wonderful issue upon which to practice. Our humanistic and democratic culture regards slavery in itself as a monstrous evil, malum in se, and it acts as though this were self-evidently true. The Bible permits Christians in slave-owning cultures to own slaves, provided they are treated well. You are a Christian. Whom do you believe? p.46

The radical abolitionist maintained that slave-owning was inherently evil under any circumstances. But in this matter, the Christians who owned slaves in the South were on firm scriptural ground. May a Christian own slaves, even when this makes him part of a larger pagan system which is not fully scriptural, or perhaps not scriptural at all? Provided he owns them in conformity to Christ’s laws governing such situations, the Bible is clear that under such conditions Christians may own slaves. p.51

The bible teaches that a man may be a faithful Christian and a slave-owner in a pagan slave system. p.52

As far as the apostle [Paul] was concerned, nothing can be plainer than the fact that a Christian could simultaneously be a slave owner and a member in good standing of the Christian church. p.52

But apart from the slave trade, in a slave-holding society owning slaves per se was not an abomination. The Bible does not condemn it outright, and those who believe the Bible are bound to refrain in the same way. p.55

It is time for us to stand and declare the truth about slavery and to expose the failures of the abolitionist worldview.p.58

When we set aside the teaching of Scripture on slavery, and begin to equivocate on what the Bible actually teaches, it was soon discovered that nonbelievers would not let us get away with it. It turns out that there are actual non-Christians out there who have read the Bible and who know what it says. p.62
So I guess Doug Wilson and I don't agree on everything anymore.