The LDS church finally admits it was wrong about race. (So it now rejects its own scriptures.)

The LDS church has finally confessed. It admits that it was wrong about race from the church's beginning in 1830 until 1978 when God changed his mind about black people.

Here is what the new document "Race and the Priesthood" says about it:

Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse ... that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else.

If that is true, then the LDS church disavows the Book of Mormon, which says that God cursed people by blackening their skin, causing them to be "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people," and that any "white and delightsome" person who "mixes seed" with them will be "cursed with the same cursing."

Here are just a few passages in the Book of Mormon that the Mormon church now disavows:

After they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations. 1 Nephi 12:23

He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... Cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23

And the skins of the Lamanites were dark ...which was a curse upon them because of their transgression against their brethren...therefore they were cursed; and the Lord God set a mark upon them. And this was done that their seed might be distinguished from the seed of their brethren, that thereby the Lord God might preserve his people. Alma 3:6-8

This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18

In the document, the LDS church tries to blame its racist past on the early 19th century American culture from which it arose. It claims, for example, that it was commonly believed in the early 1800s "that God’s 'curse' on Cain was the mark of a dark skin." And that "[a]ccording to one view, which had been promulgated in the United States from at least the 1730s, blacks descended from the same lineage as the biblical Cain, who slew his brother Abel."

Which is true enough (except for the fact that there was no United States in the 1730s). But what the document doesn't say is that this same view is clearly expressed in its own scripture (The book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price).

And Enoch also beheld the residue of the people which were the sons of Adam; and they were a mixture of all the seed of Adam save it was the seed of Cain, for the seed of Cain were black, and had not place among them. Moses 7:22 

The document also says that "[b]lack servitude was sometimes viewed as a second curse placed upon Noah’s grandson Canaan as a result of Ham’s indiscretion toward his father."

Which is true again. But it is also true that Mormon scripture says the same thing. 

There was a blackness came upon all the children of Canaan, that they were despised among all people. Moses 7:8 

Now this king of Egypt was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was a partaker of the blood of the Canaanites by birth. ... from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land ... Pharaoh ... seeking earnestly to imitate that order established by the fathers in the first generations, in the days of the first patriarchal reign, even in the reign of Adam, and also of Noah, his father, who blessed him with the blessings of the earth, and with the blessings of wisdom, but cursed him as pertaining to the Priesthood. Abraham 1:21-26

 So now the LDS church is no longer just embarrassed by its scriptures, it rejects them entirely.

Now it's time for all Mormons to do likewise.

A question for Mitt Romney in tonight's debate: Is dark skin a punishment from God?

Brother Bri Bri's readings from the Book of Mormon:

Wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey. 2 Nephi 5:21-24

Their scales of darkness shall begin to fall from their eyes; and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a white pure and delightsome people. 2 Nephi 30:6 

(Note: In the original 1830 edition of the Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 30:6 read "white and delightsome", but this was later changed  to hide its obvious racism.)

It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14-16

Did God curse Mitt Romney by darkening his skin?

It's a fair question. Really.

You see, some people have noticed that Mitt's skin looked noticeably darker when he was interviewed by Univision yesterday.

So the question is this: Did Romney use make-up to darken his skin in order to appear more Latino to the Univision viewers? Or was there something else going on? Something that went on all the time in Romney's second favorite book, the Book of Mormon.

That book makes it clear that the Mormon God prefers white skin and punishes people by darkening their skin.

And he [God] had caused the cursing to come upon them [the Lamanites] ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. 2 Nephi 5:21

The Lamanites ... were led by their evil nature that they became wild, and ferocious, and a bloodthirsty people, full of idolatry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey; dwelling in tents, and wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle about their loins and their heads shaven.... And many of them did eat nothing save it was raw meat; and they were continually seeking to destroy us" Enos 1:20

He did it to the Lamanites (Native Americans) and he did it to black people (the descendants of Cain). Maybe he did it to Romney.

Here is how Governor Romney looked four years ago when he ran for president.



And here's how he looked in the Univision interview.



I'd say he doesn't look nearly so "fair and delightsome" now, with that "skin of blackness" all over him. I wonder if he's also become  "wild, and ferocious, ... bloodthirsty ... full of idolatry and filthiness; feeding upon beasts of prey" and  "wandering about in the wilderness with a short skin girdle" upon his loins.

It's hard to say. But it's a fair question.

I guess we'll have to see how he acts on the campaign trail and at the debates.  I can hardly wait.

2 Nephi 31-33: Nephi makes an end of his prophesying and proposes a simple test

Well, we've finally made it to the end of 2 Nephi, where Nephi makes an end of his prophesying.

And now I, Nephi, make an end of my prophesying. 2 Nephi 31:1

And Nephi is quite proud of what he's written; it suffices him, since he has spoken plainly according to the plainness of his prophesying.

The things which I have written sufficeth me ... I shall speak unto you plainly, according to the plainness of my prophesying. 31:2

For his soul delights and glories in plainness.

For my soul delighteth in plainness ... I glory in plainness.  31:3, 33:6

And though he'd like to say more, he can't, because the Spirit stopped his utterance, leaving him to mourn because of the unbelief of people who just plain don't care about plainness.

And now I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance, and I am left to mourn because of the unbelief ... for they will not search knowledge, nor understand great knowledge, when it is given unto them in plainness, even as plain as word can be. 32:7

But Nephi has written what he's written and he thinks it's of great worth.

I, Nephi, have written what I have written, and I esteem it as of great worth. 33.3

And you'll agree with him about that, unless you're controlled by the devil.

No man will be angry at the words which I have written save he shall be of the spirit of the devil. 33:5

So if you believe in Christ, you'll believe in Nephi's words, because they are the words of Christ and Christ gave them to Nephi (550 years before Jesus was born).

If ye shall believe in Christ ye will believe in these words, for they are the words of Christ, and he hath given them unto me. 33:10

If you doubt that, here's a simple test: Ask Christ to show you that Nephi's words are Christ's words.

And if they are not the words of Christ, judge ye -- for Christ will show unto you, with power and great glory, that they are his words. 33:11

That'll work, guaranteed. 

Or it better, anyway. Because if it doesn't, God will condemn you to hell on the last day.

And you that will not partake of the goodness of God, and respect the words of the Jews, and also my words, and the words which shall proceed forth out of the mouth of the Lamb of God, behold, I bid you an everlasting farewell, for these words shall condemn you at the last day. 33:14

Good luck on the test.

2 Nephi 28-29: A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more Bible!

In the last chapter, Nephi revealed the Book of Mormon, 2400 years before Joseph Smith dug it up in his own backyard. Amazing stuff.

Now he tells us how it will be received by Christians everywhere.

But first he reminds us about how God views non-Mormon Christians.

Yea, and there shall be many which shall teach ... false and vain and foolish doctrines ... their works shall be in the dark. And the blood of the saints shall cry from the ground against them. ... Because of pride, and because of false teachers, and false doctrine, their churches have become corrupted ... They wear stiff necks and high heads; yea, and because of pride, and wickedness, and abominations, and whoredoms .... wo, wo, wo be unto them, saith the Lord God Almighty, for they shall be thrust down to hell! 2 Nephi 28:9-15

And that's the (more or less) good guys - the non-Mormon Protestants.

It's the Catholics that God really hates.

But behold, that great and abominable church, the whore of all the earth, must tumble to the earth, and great must be the fall thereof. ... the devil will grasp them with his everlasting chains, and they be stirred up to anger, and perish ... Yea, they are grasped with death, and hell; and death, and hell ... from whence they must go into the place prepared for them, even a lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 28:18-23

Which leaves the Mormons, Nephi's seed.


God will proceed to do a marvelous work and remember Nephi's seed, and the words of Nephi's seed will proceed out of God's mouth. They will hiss forth unto the ends of the earth, so to speak.

I shall proceed to do a marvelous work ... I would remember your seed; and that the words of your seed should proceed forth out of my mouth unto your seed; and my words shall hiss forth unto the ends of the earth. 29.1-2

And when God's words hiss forth in the Book of Mormon, many of the WASPs will say, "A Bible! We have a Bible; we don't need another Bible!"

And because my words shall hiss forth -- many of the Gentiles shall say: A Bible! A Bible! We have got a Bible, and there cannot be any more Bible. ... A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more Bible. 29:3-6

But God says it's his goddamned Bible and he can have as many of them as he pleases.

I speak forth my words according to mine own pleasure. And because that I have spoken one word ye need not suppose that I cannot speak another ... Wherefore, because that ye have a Bible ye need not suppose that it contains all my words; neither need ye suppose that I have not caused more to be written. 29:9-10

God made the Jews write a Bible; he made the Nephites write a Bible; he'll make the Lost Tribes of Israel write a Bible; everyone on earth will write a Bible. God likes Bibles. The more the merrier, he always says.

Behold, I shall speak unto the Jews and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto the Nephites and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto the other tribes of the house of Israel, which I have led away, and they shall write it; and I shall also speak unto all nations of the earth and they shall write it. 29:12

Before you know it the Jews will have the Nephite's Bible, the Nephites will have the Jews' Bible, the Nephites and the Jews will have the lost tribes' Bible, and the lost tribes will have the Bibles of the Nephites and the Jews. 

The Jews shall have the words of the Nephites, and the Nephites shall have the words of the Jews; and the Nephites and the Jews shall have the words of the lost tribes of Israel; and the lost tribes of Israel shall have the words of the Nephites and the Jews. 29:13

And God will show those that fight against the Book of Mormon that he is God and that he covenanted with Abraham and he'll remember his seed forever.

And I will show unto them that fight against my word and against my people, who are of the house of Israel, that I am God, and that I covenanted with Abraham that I would remember his seed forever. 29:14

Or something like that.

---

Next Episode: 2 Nephi 30: They shall be a white and delightsome people.

2 Nephi 27: The Book of Mormon prophesies itself

After taking a short break from quoting Isaiah, Nephi got tired of his own tiresome words, so he went back to quoting Isaiah again.

But this time, it's not just filler.

Isaiah 29 was selected because it refers to a special book, sealed by God, that the wise and learned  cannot understand. Only one very special person will be able to read it.

As Nephi explains:

It shall come to pass that the Lord God shall bring forth unto you the words of a book ... And behold the book shall be sealed.  

But the book shall be delivered unto a man ... which are the words of those who have slumbered in the dust. 

The book shall be hid from the eyes of the world, that the eyes of none shall behold it save it be that three witnesses shall behold it ... and they shall testify to the truth of the book and the things therein.  

And wo be unto him that rejecteth the word of God! 2 Nephi 27:6-14

The book, of course, is the Book of Mormon, "a marvelous work and a wonder," and the very special person is Joseph Smith.


It's all there in Isaiah 29, as quoted by Nephi (with a few extra "and it came to passes" and "beholds" thrown in to make it sound even more biblical than the Bible).

But behold, it shall come to pass that the Lord God shall say unto him to whom he shall deliver the book: Take these words which are not sealed and deliver them to another, that he may show them unto the learned, saying: Read this, I pray thee. And the learned shall say: Bring hither the book, and I will read them. 2 Nephi 27:15

And the man shall say: I cannot bring the book, for it is sealed. Then shall the learned say: I cannot read it. 2 Nephi 27:17-18

(And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which men deliver to one that is learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I cannot; for it is sealed: Isaiah 29:11)  

Wherefore it shall come to pass, that the Lord God will deliver again the book and the words thereof to him that is not learned; and the man that is not learned shall say: I am not learned. 2 Nephi 27:19

(And the book is delivered to him that is not learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I am not learned. Isaiah 29:12)

Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid. 2 Nephi 27:26

(Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among this people, even a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent men shall be hid. Isaiah 29:14)

The book of Mormon prophesies itself -- 2400 years before it was dug up and translated by Joseph Smith.

When it comes to prophesy, you just can't beat the Book of Mormon!

2 Nephi 26: All those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten.

Nephi tells us, once again, all about Jesus, 600 or so years before Jesus existed.

After Jesus dies he will rise from the dead and come visit the Nephites in North America. The Nephites will learn about his birth, death, and resurrection; then all hell will break loose. Proud and wicked Nephites will stone to death the Nephite saints and prophets, then God will cause the proud and the wicked to be swallowed by the earth, covered with mountains, carried away by whirlwinds, crushed by falling buildings, destroyed by thunder, lightening, earthquakes, and fire.

After Christ shall have risen from the dead he shall show himself unto you, my children.

Many generations shall pass away, and there shall be great wars and contentions among my people.

And after the Messiah shall come there shall be signs given unto my people of his birth, and also of his death and resurrection; and great and terrible shall that day be unto the wicked, for they shall perish; and they perish because they cast out the prophets, and the saints, and stone them, and slay them.

All those who are proud, and that do wickedly, the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the Lord of Hosts.

They that kill the prophets, and the saints, the depths of the earth shall swallow them up, saith the Lord of Hosts; and mountains shall cover them, and whirlwinds shall carry them away, and buildings shall fall upon them and crush them to pieces and grind them to powder.

And they shall be visited with thunderings, and lightnings, and earthquakes, and all manner of destructions, for the fire of the anger of the Lord shall be kindled against them, and they shall be as stubble, and the day that cometh shall consume them, saith the Lord of Hosts. 2 Nephi 26:1-6

After the wicked kill the righteous and God kills the wicked, Jesus will heal whatever survivors there may be and there will be peace for three or four generations. Then the Nephites will "yield to the devil," be destroyed again, and "go down to hell."

But the Son of righteousness shall appear unto them; and he shall heal them, and they shall have peace with him, until three generations shall have passed away, and many of the fourth generation shall have passed away in righteousness.

And when these things have passed away a speedy destruction cometh unto my people ... they shall reap destruction; for because they yield unto the devil ... therefore they must go down to hell. 2 Nephi 26:9-10 

Sometime after the Nephites are destroyed, the Gentiles (Non-Mormon Protestants) will start believing that Jesus is the Christ.

It must needs be that the Gentiles be convinced also that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God. 2 Nephi 26:12

In the last days, after the Gentiles are converted, Nephi's seed will dwindle in unbelief and be smitten by the Gentiles. God will camp out against the dwindlers and "all those that dwindle in unbelief shall not be forgotten."

I prophesy unto you concerning the last days.

After my seed ... shall have dwindled in unbelief, and shall have been smitten by the Gentiles; yea, after the Lord God shall have camped against them round about ... all those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten. 2 Nephi 26:14-15

Then, in the latter days of the last days, the truths in the Book of Mormon will be written, but those who dwindle in unbelief won't believe them because "they seek to destroy the things of God."

For thus saith the Lord God: They shall write the things which shall be done among them, and they shall be written and sealed up in a book, and those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not have them, for they seek to destroy the things of God. 2 Nephi 26:17

And it will come to pass that those who dwindle in unbelief will be smitten (again) by the Gentiles.

And it shall come to pass, that those who have dwindled in unbelief shall be smitten by the hand of the Gentiles. 2 Nephi 26:19

Then the Gentiles will stumble "because of the greatness of their stumbling block" by building evil churches according to the secret combinations of the devil (who founded all the non-LDS churches).

The Gentiles ... stumbled, because of the greatness of their stumbling block, that they have built up many churches ... which cause envyings, and strifes, and malice.

And there are also secret combinations ... according to the combinations of the devil, for he is the founder of all these things. 2 Nephi 26:20-22

Which leaves us with the only true church: the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You know, the one that teaches love and tolerance toward all. (Its code name is "Zion" in the Book of Mormon.)

The Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love, and except they should have charity they were nothing. 

But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish.

For ... the Lord ... denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile. 2 Nephi 26:30-33

2 Nephi 25: Nephi speaks (somewhat) plainly about Jews, Jesus, and Joseph Smith

Nephi finally gives us a break from quoting Isaiah (2 Nephi 11-24) and begins to speak (somewhat) about the the 13 chapters he copied from the King James Version of the Bible (about 2200 years before that translation existed).

Now I, Nephi, do speak somewhat concerning the words which I have written, which have been spoken by the mouth of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 25:1

First he tells us about Jews.

The Jews ... works were works of darkness, and their doings were doings of abominations. 2 Nephi 25:2

Then he explains why no one understands Isaiah.  To understand Isaiah properly, you need to delight in plainness and be filled with the spirit of prophecy. And Nephi is full of prophecy and plainness.

The words of Isaiah are not plain unto you, nevertheless they are plain unto all those that are filled with the spirit of prophecy ... My soul delighteth in plainness unto my people. 2 Nephi 25:4

But Nephi's soul delights in more than just plainness; it also delights in the words of Isaiah. (That's probably why he included 13 consecutive chapters from Isaiah. See 2 Nephi 11-24)

My soul delighteth in the words of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 25:5a

The only people that understand the prophets are people that are taught after the manner of the Jews (like early 19th century Americans.)

The Jews do understand the things of the prophets, and there is none other people that understand the things which were spoken unto the Jews like unto them, save it be that they are taught after the manner of the things of the Jews. 2 Nephi 25:5b

And lucky for us, Nephi is from Jerusalem and knows all about all things such as and suchlike.

 But behold, I, Nephi ... have dwelt at Jerusalem, wherefore I know concerning the regions round about. 2 Nephi 25:6

With his prophecy credentials intact, Nephi proceeds with his own prophecy according to his plainness.

Behold, I proceed with mine own prophecy, according to my plainness. 2 Nephi 25:7

He starts by telling us a bit more about Jews. God has destroyed them from one generation to the next because of their iniquities.

As one generation hath been destroyed among the Jews because of iniquity, even so have they been destroyed from generation to generation according to their iniquities. 2 Nephi 25:9

Nephi prophesies that in another 600 years or so, the evil Jews will reject and crucify Jesus because of their hard hearts and stiff necks.

The Father of heaven and of earth, shall manifest himself unto them in the flesh, behold, they will reject him, because of their iniquities, and the hardness of their hearts, and the stiffness of their necks ... They will crucify him. 2 Nephi 25:12-13

And woe unto whoever fights against God's church (the Mormons), which will show up in another 2400 years or so.

 Wo unto them that fight against God and the people of his church. 2 Nephi 25:14

And, of course, woe unto the the Jews. They'll be scattered among all nations and be scourged by God for many generations until, finally, they are persuaded to believe in Christ.

Wherefore, the Jews shall be scattered among all nations. ... After they have been scattered, and the Lord God hath scourged them by other nations for ... many generations ... they shall be persuaded to believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:15-16

Meanwhile, God will inspire Joseph Smith to write find and translate the Book of Mormon, which is, as I'm sure you've noticed by now, a marvelous work and a wonder. ("A Marvelous work and a wonder" is LDS-speak for the Book of Mormon.)

The Lord ... will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder. 2 Nephi 25:17

That the promise may be fulfilled unto Joseph [Smith], that his seed should never perish as long as the earth should stand." 2 Nephi 25:21

And now Nephi gets precise about his Christ prophecy: Jesus Christ, the Son of God, will be born 600 years after Nephi's dad (Lehi) left Jerusalem.

According to the words of the prophets, the Messiah cometh in six hundred years from the time that my father left Jerusalem ... his name shall be Jesus Christ, the Son of God. 2 Nephi 25:19

Nephi reminds us about some of the plain and wonderful things that are found in the Hebrew scriptures:  the fiery serpents (Num. 21:6-9) and the water-bearing rock (Ex.17:6, Num.20:11)..

I have spoken plainly that ... the Lord God ... gave unto Moses power that he should heal the nations after they had been bitten by the poisonous serpents, if they would cast their eyes unto the serpent which he did raise up before them, and also gave him power that he should smite the rock and the water should come forth. 2 Nephi 25:20

And the rest of his prophecy is all about Jesus H. Christ. There's no other name that can get you saved.

There is none other name given under heaven save it be this Jesus Christ, of which I have spoken, whereby man can be saved. 2 Nephi 25:20

So believe in Christ.

We labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:23

We believe in Christ. 2 Nephi 25:24a 

Look forward to Christ.

Look forward with steadfastness unto Christ. 2 Nephi 25:24b 

Be alive in Christ.

We are made alive in Christ because of our faith. 2 Nephi 25:25a

Talk of Christ.

We talk of Christ.  2 Nephi 25:26b

Rejoice in Christ.

We rejoice in Christ.  2 Nephi 25:26c

Preach of Christ.

We preach of Christ.  2 Nephi 25:26d

Prophesy of Christ.

We prophesy of Christ. 2 Nephi 25:26e

The Nephites did all these Christian things six centuries before Christianity existed.

So don't let anyone tell you Mormons aren't Christians.

Mitt Romney: The Ryan budget is a marvelous work and a wonder

A few weeks ago, President Obama made fun of Mitt Romney for describing Paul Ryan's budget as "marvelous" by saying,

Marvelous is a word you don't often hear when it comes to describing a budget. It's a word that you don't often hear generally.

Which is true, generally, unless you're a Mormon.

Mormons love the word "marvelous." It was one of Joseph Smith's favorite words. He used it 50 times in the book of Mormon, compared to the 24 times it is found in the King James Version of the Bible. And since the Bible is nearly five times as big as the Book of Mormon, the Book of Mormon is about ten times as "marvelous" as the Bible.

Here's a table to summarize the marvelousness of these two marvelous books.

	Bible	Book of Mormon
Marvelous	24	50
number of verses	31,102	6553
Occurrences per 10,000 verses	7.7	76.3

But one of the phrases that Joseph Smith loved the most was "a marvelous work and a wonder." He used it to describe his own work, the Book of Mormon, and Mormons have used it as a code name for their sacred text ever since.

Here is how the phrase is used in Mitt Romney's third favorite book. (His favorite book is either Battlefield Earth or the Bible.)

And the Lord will set his hand again the second time to restore his people from their lost and fallen state. Wherefore, he will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder among the children of men. 2 Nephi 25:17

Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid.2 Nephi 27:26

So when Romney called the Ryan budget "marvelous," he was using a word that is often heard in Mormondom. I suspect that if Romney was fully unzipped, he would say it is "a marvelous work and a wonder" just like the Book of Mormon.

Martin Basher: Book of Mormon condemns Mitt Romney to hell

Mitt Romney is going to hell, if the Book of Mormon is true, that is.

Martin Basher pointed this out on his MSNBC show by exposing a few of Mitt's more recent lies and quoting from Mormon scripture.

The first quote is from the Doctrine and Covenants.
(Mislabeled in the video as "Book of Mormon" -- The Doctrine and Covenants is a part of LDS scripture but it is not in the Book of Mormon.)

All liars, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death. Doctrine and Covenants 63:17

The second is from 2 Nephi. (9:34, not 2:34 as said in the video)

Wo unto the liar for he shall be thrust down to hell. 2 Nephi 9:34

Here's the video.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

2 Nephi 11-24: Padding Isaiah

I know, I've neglected the Book of Mormon lately. Sorry about that.

But now that it looks like Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee, I'm inspired to return to my efforts to slog through Mitt's favorite book. (Here's a list of my previous Blogging the BoM posts so you catch up on the details.)

So here goes.

In the last episode, we learned that Jews are the most wicked people on earth and that God gave America (his favorite country) to the Mormons.

In chapter 11, Nephi's little brother, Jacob, continues his preaching, saying "many more things," but, lucky for us, Nephi only wrote down those things that sufficed him.

And now, Jacob spake many more things to my people at that time; nevertheless only these things have I caused to be written, for the things which I have written sufficeth me. 2 Nephi 11:1

After sufficing himself with Jacob's words, Nephi decided to throw in another 13 or so chapters from the Book of Isaiah   (He's already included four chapters. See 1 Nephi 20-21; 2 Nephi 6-8), because he likes Isaiah so darned much (and he needs to make his little book a little bigger).

And now I, Nephi, write more of the words of Isaiah, for my soul delighteth in his words. 2 Nephi 11:2

Before doing that, though, Nephi tells us a bit more about Jesus.
If there's no Jesus, there's no God, and if there's no God, there's no creation. But there is a God and his name is Jesus and he'll be coming in his own time (about 570 years after Nephi's words.)

Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ ... And also my soul delighteth in the covenants of the Lord ... yea, my soul delighteth in his grace ... And my soul delighteth in proving unto my people that save Christ should come all men must perish. For if there be no Christ there be no God; and if there be no God we are not, for there could have been no creation. But there is a God, and he is Christ, and he cometh in the fulness of his own time. 2 Nephi 11:4-7

And with that, Nephi writes some words of Isaiah. (13 chapters: 2 Nephi 12-24)

And now I write some of the words of Isaiah. 2 Nephi 11:8

Which I'm going to skip, since it has nothing to do with Nephi's story. I recommend that you do too.

See you in Chapter 25.

2 Nephi 10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)

Jacob woke up the next day and started preaching again. He predicted that many Nephite children would "perish in the flesh because of unbelief." But not to worry, God will somehow restore the dead little unbelievers by forcing them to believe -- or something like that.

Many of our children shall perish in the flesh because of unbelief, nevertheless, God will be merciful unto many; and our children shall be restored, that they may come to that which will give them the true knowledge of their Redeemer. 2 Nephi 10:2

And now, for the first time, God reveals the last name of the Redeemer -- Christ.

Christ -- for in the last night the angel spake unto me that this should be his name. 2 Nephi 10:3a

Which is really cool, isn't it? An angel revealed Jesus H. Christ's last name 2600 years before Jesus was born!

(In the 1830 version of the Book of Mormon, Jesus' name is revealed in a bit earlier. 1 Nephi 12:18 read, "...Jesus Christ, which is the Lamb of God, of whom the Holy Ghost beareth record..." The LDS church changed "Jesus Christ" to "Messiah" so the angel wouldn't have to reveal it twice.)

The angel also told Jacob about Jews. They are, he said, the most wicked people on earth. Only Jews would crucify God.

The Jews ... are the more wicked part of the world; and they shall crucify him ... there is none other nation on earth that would crucify their God. For should the mighty miracles be wrought among other nations they would repent, and know that he be their God. 2 Nephi 10:3b-4

And because Jews are so darned evil, God will send them destruction, famines, diseases, and bloodshed. Most will be killed and the rest scattered.

Because of their iniquities, destructions, famines, pestilences, and bloodshed shall come upon them; and they who shall not be destroyed shall be scattered among all nations. 2 Nephi 10:6

But someday the Jews will believe in Jesus and return to Israel. (The prophecy was fulfilled in 1948 when every Jew became Christian and Israel became an independent state.)

When the day cometh that they shall believe in me, that I am Christ ... they shall be restored ... unto the lands of their inheritance. 2 Nephi 10:7

In the meantime, God will make the Gentiles (white, non-Catholic, Christian Americans) great (in the eyes of him, saith he).

The Gentiles shall be great in the eyes of me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:8

The Gentile kings will be the Nephites' nursing fathers and their queens their nursing mothers. God will bless the Gentiles, while giving the land (America) to the Nephites (Mormons).

The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers unto them, and their queens shall become nursing mothers ... this land, said God, shall be a land of thine inheritance, and the Gentiles shall be blessed upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:9-10

America will be "a land of liberty" for Gentiles, with no kings allowed. (Not even nursing kings?)

This land shall be a land of liberty unto the Gentiles, and there shall be no kings upon the land. 2 Nephi 10:11

God will fortify this land (America) against all other nations and whoever is against Zion (the Mormon church) is a dead, anti-God, cosmopolitan whore.

I will fortify this land against all other nations. And he that fighteth against Zion shall perish, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:12-13

He that fighteth against Zion, both Jew and Gentile, both bond and free, both male and female, shall perish; for they are they who are the whore of all the earth; for they who are not for me are against me, saith our God. 2 Nephi 10:16

Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment.

I will afflict thy seed by the hand of the Gentiles; nevertheless, I will soften the hearts of the Gentiles, that they shall be like unto a father to them; wherefore, the Gentiles shall be blessed and numbered among the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 10:18

God blessed America and consecrated it to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). The United States is God's favorite country, and someday all Americans will worship him and become Mormons.

I will consecrate this land unto thy seed, and them who shall be numbered among thy seed, forever, for the land of their inheritance; for it is a choice land, saith God unto me, above all other lands, wherefore I will have all men that dwell thereon that they shall worship me, saith God. 2 Nephi 10:19

And make Mitt Romney their president.

2 Nephi 7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day

Jacob takes a break from his preaching (again) by throwing in a few more chapters from Isaiah so that 2400 years later the true (LDS) church will know the covenants that God has covenanted with the Jews.

And now, my beloved brethren, I have read these things that ye might know concerning the covenants of the Lord that he has covenanted with all the house of Israel. That he has spoken unto the Jews ... until the time comes that they shall be restored to the true church. 2 Nephi 9:1-2

But I'm going to skip all that. Isaiah sucks (the breasts of kings).

After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they'll all burn in hell unless they repent, believe, and be baptized in the name of someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so.

If they will not repent and believe in his name, and be baptized in his name ... they must be damned [to] hell ... the lake of fire and brimstone, which is endless torment. 2 Nephi 9:24-26

Then he takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye.

Behold, I take off my garments, and I shake them before you; I pray ... God ... view me with his all-searching eye ... that I stand with brightness before him, and am rid of your blood. 2 Nephi 9:44

After that Jacob is not only naked, he's also a bit tired, so he'll finish his sermon tomorrow.

And now, my brethren, I would speak unto you more; but on the morrow I will declare unto you the remainder of my words. Amen. 2 Nephi 9:54

Tomorrow is a Latter Day.

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next Episode: 2 Nephi 10: Wicked Jews, Blessed Gentiles, and a Completely Mormon America (with a Mormon president)

2 Nephi 6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

Last time we learned what the LDS church really thinks about Native Americans: they are idle, mischievous, dark-skinned savages. They got that way because their ancestor Laman disobeyed Nephi, so God caused "a skin of blackness to come upon them" to make them "loathsome unto" the "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" Nephites.

Now we find out what Mormons think about everyone else.

The chapter begins with Jacob (Nephi's newly-ordained little brother) giving a speech about "exceedingly many things."

Behold, my beloved brethren, I, Jacob, having been called of God, and ordained after the manner of his holy order, and having been consecrated by my brother Nephi ... behold ye know that I have spoken unto you exceedingly many things. Nevertheless, I speak unto you again ... Yea ... I have spoken unto you concerning all things which are written, from the creation of the world. 2 Nephi 6:2-3

Before long, though, Jacob gets bored with his own words, so he begins reading from the book of Isaiah.

Behold ... I will read you the words of Isaiah ... the words which I shall read are they which Isaiah spake concerning all the house of Israel; wherefore, they may be likened unto you, for ye are of the house of Israel. And there are many things which have been spoken by Isaiah which may be likened unto you, because ye are of the house of Israel. 2 Nephi 6:4-5

The section he reads from (Isaiah 49:22-26) begins by saying that "the Gentiles" will will "be thy nursing fathers."

Thus saith the Lord God: Behold, I will lift up mine hand to the Gentiles, ... and they shall bring thy sons in their arms, and thy daughters shall be carried upon their shoulders. And kings shall be thy nursing fathers, and their queens thy nursing mothers; they shall bow down to thee with their faces towards the earth, and lick up the dust of thy feet. 2 Nephi 6:6-7 (Isaiah 49:22-23)

Now "Gentiles" has a special meaning to Mormons. It doesn't mean non-Jews; it means non-Mormon, non-Catholic Christians (WASPs).

White Anglo-Saxon Protestants will nurture and protect Mormons until the good WASPs become Mormons themselves.

Next Jacob tells us somewhat about something he heard from God and an angel: in another 600 years or so, the Jews will crucify Jesus.

And now I, Jacob, would speak somewhat concerning these words. For behold, the Lord has shown me ... that ... they [the Jews] should scourge him [Jesus] and crucify him, according to the words of the angel who spake it unto me. 2 Nephi 6:8-9

Then after the hard-hearted and stiff-necked Jews kill Jesus, God will punish them by having everyone smite and afflict them.

And after they have hardened their hearts and stiffened their necks against the Holy One of Israel, behold the judgments of the Holy One of Israel shall come upon them. And the day cometh that they shall be smitten and afflicted.2 Nephi 6:10

The Jews will be afflicted, scattered, smitten, and hated by pretty much everyone until they too (those that survive, anyway) become Christians.

Wherefore, after they are driven to and fro, for thus saith the angel, many shall be afflicted in the flesh, and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful; they shall be scattered, and smitten, and hated; nevertheless, the Lord will be merciful unto them, that when they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer, they shall be gathered together again to the lands of their inheritance.2 Nephi 6:11

But blessed are the WASPs, for if they become Mormons and stay the hell away from the Catholic church, they will be saved.

Blessed are the Gentiles ... for behold, if it so be that they shall repent and fight not against Zion, and do not unite themselves to that great and abominable church, they shall be saved.2 Nephi 6:12

Whoever opposes Zion (the Mormon church), though, will be licking dust off shameless Mormon feet.

They that fight against Zion ... shall lick up the dust of their feet; and the people of the Lord shall not be ashamed. 2 Nephi 6:13

Then, after they're done licking, they will die horrible deaths. God will burn them to death, kill them with storms, earthquakes, wars, disease, and starvation. That will teach them that God is a Mormon.

And they that believe not in him shall be destroyed, both by fire, and by tempest, and by earthquakes, and by bloodsheds, and by pestilence, and by famine. And they shall know that the Lord is God, the Holy One of Israel. 2 Nephi 6:15

But before they die, God will give them a special treat. He will force them to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood.

And I will feed them that oppress thee, with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood as with sweet wine; and all flesh shall know that I the Lord ... the Mighty One of Jacob. 2 Nephi 6:18

And then he'll torture them forever in hell.

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next Episode: 2 Nephi 7-9: Tomorrow is a Latter Day

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Bryan Fischer: Even more racist than the Book of Mormon

In my last post, I mentioned that the LDS church recently changed the introductory summary of 2 Nephi 5 from this:

The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple -- Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness, and become a scourge unto the Nephites.

to this:

The Nephites separate themselves from the Lamanites, keep the law of Moses, and build a temple—Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cut off from the presence of the Lord, are cursed, and become a scourge unto the Nephites.

The reason for the change is obvious: the former summary was too racist, even for the LDS church. So they softened it up and toned it down a bit. But the racism of 2 Nephi 5 remains.

Here's what it says about the Lamanites (Native Americans in the Book of Mormon):

He had caused the cursing to come upon them... that ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome ... God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them ... that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. ...

Cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. ...

Because of their cursing ... they did become an idle people, full of mischief. 2 Nephi 5:21-24

I'm sure the LDS church would like to do to the text of 2 Nephi 5 what they did to its chapter summary. Soften it up, tone it down, throw it out. And maybe they'll do that some day while no one is looking. But for now, at least, they are stuck with it.

Like the American Family Association is stuck with Bryan Fischer.

You remember, Bryan Fischer, don't you? He's the guy that thinks we should kill the bears, stone the whales, and become more Phinehas-like (by impaling interracial couples while they're having sex).

Now he tells us about Native Americans.

I'd link to his post, bit it's been removed from the AFA website. It seems that the AFA is as embarrassed by Fischer's post as the LDS church is with 2 Nephi 5.

Here are some excerpts from the original post.

The native American tribes at the time of the European settlement and founding of the United States were, virtually without exception, steeped in the basest forms of superstition, had been guilty of savagery in warfare for hundreds of years, and practiced the most debased forms of sexuality.

...

The [Lewis and Clark] journals record the morally abhorrent practice of many native American chiefs, who offered their own wives to the Corps of Discovery for their twisted sexual pleasure. (Regrettably, many members of the Corps, Lewis and Clark excepted, took advantage of these offers and contracted numerous and debilitating sexually transmitted diseases as a result.)

...

Many of the tribal reservations today remain mired in poverty and alcoholism because many native Americans continue to cling to the darkness of indigenous superstition instead of coming into the light of Christianity and assimilating into Christian culture.

...

God explained to the nation of Israel that because of the “abomination(s)” of the indigenous Canaanite tribes, the land had become unclean and “vomited out its inhabitants (Lev. 18:25).”

Is this to say the same holds true for native American tribes today? In many respects, the answer is of course no. But in some senses, the answer is yes. Many of the tribal reservations today remain mired in poverty and alcoholism because many native Americans continue to cling to the darkness of indigenous superstition instead of coming into the light of Christianity and assimilating into Christian culture.

OK. Maybe my title is a bit exaggerated. I'm not sure which is more racist, Bryan Fischer or the Book of Mormon. What do you think?

2 Nephi 4-5: Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness

The title to this post is taken from the official LDS summary for 2 Nephi 5 -- at least it was the official summary, until it was changed by the LDS church in December 2010. In the new revised version, the Lamanites (Native Americans) are no longer cursed by God with "a skin of blackness" for their unbelief, but are "cut off from the presence of the Lord."

Let's take a closer look and see what the Mormons are so embarrassed about.

Chapter 4 is a total waste of a golden plate. The 1350 or so words can be summed up with just two: Lehi died.

And It came to pass after my father, Lehi, had spoken unto all his household, according to the feelings of his heart and the Spirit of the Lord which was in him, he waxed old. And It came to pass that he died, and was buried. 2 Nephi 4:12

But chapter 5 is a another thing entirely.

It begins with Nephi's brothers rebelling against him again. (See here, here, here, here, here, and here for previous rebellions.)

So Nephi cries his little heart out to the Lord.

Behold, It came to pass that I, Nephi, did cry much unto the Lord my God, because of the anger of my brethren. 2 Nephi 5:1

And his brothers try to kill him (so they won't have to listen to him anymore).

But behold, their anger did increase against me, insomuch that they did seek to take away my life.

Yea, they did murmur against me, saying: Our younger brother thinks to rule over us; and we have had much trial because of him; wherefore, now let us slay him, that we may not be afflicted more because of his words. For behold, we will not have him to be our ruler; for it belongs unto us, who are the elder brethren, to rule over this people. 2 Nephi 5:2-3

Nephi didn't write down all the stuff they said about him. Suffice it to say that they said whatever and whatnot and so forth.

Now I do not write upon these plates all the words which they murmured against me. But it sufficeth me to say, that they did seek to take away my life. 2 Nephi 5:4

Then Nephi's good buddy (God) told him to get the heck out of there and take all his brown-nosing family and friends with him.

And It came to pass that the Lord did warn me, that I, Nephi, should depart from them and flee into the wilderness, and all those who would go with me.

Wherefore, It came to pass that I, Nephi, did take my family, and also Zoram and his family, and Sam, mine elder brother and his family, and Jacob and Joseph, my younger brethren, and also my sisters, and all those who would go with me. And all those who would go with me were those who believed in the warnings and the revelations of God; wherefore, they did hearken unto my words. 2 Nephi 5:5-6

So they took all their stuff and, after travelling for the space of many days, camped out for a while at a place they called Nephi.

And we did take our tents and whatsoever things were possible for us, and did journey in the wilderness for the space of many days. And after we had journeyed for the space of many days we did pitch our tents.

And my people would that we should call the name of the place Nephi; wherefore, we did call it Nephi. 2 Nephi 5:7-8

At Nephi they all decided to call themselves the people of Nephi (the Nephites).

And all those who were with me did take upon them to call themselves the people of Nephi. 2 Nephi 5:9

Everything was perfect with the people of Nephi. God was with them, they prospered exceedingly, had all kinds of crops and animals, along with the magic compass ball.

And the Lord was with us; and we did prosper exceedingly; for we did sow seed, and we did reap again in abundance. And we began to raise flocks, and herds, and animals of every kind. And I, Nephi, had also brought the records which were engraven upon the plates of brass; and also the ball, or compass, which was prepared for my father by the hand of the Lord, according to that which is written. And It came to pass that we began to prosper exceedingly, and to multiply in the land. 2 Nephi 5:11-13

They made lots of swords (patterned after the sword of Laban that Nephi cut Laban's head off with),

And I, Nephi, did take the sword of Laban, and after the manner of it did make many swords. 2 Nephi 5:14

And buildings,

And I did teach my people to build buildings. 2 Nephi 5:15a

And all kinds of stuff out of wood, iron, copper, brass, steel, gold, silver, and other precious metals that were lying around everywhere in great abundance.

And to work in all manner of wood, and of iron, and of copper, and of brass, and of steel, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious ores, which were in great abundance. 2 Nephi 5:15b

They built an exceedingly fine temple, just like Solomon's, except not quite as fancy. (According to the Bible it took 150,000 men seven years to build the temple, but Nephite crew of a dozen or so men managed just fine.)

And I, Nephi, did build a temple; and I did construct it after the manner of the temple of Solomon save it were not built of so many precious things; for they were not to be found upon the land, wherefore, it could not be built like unto Solomon's temple. But the manner of the construction was like unto the temple of Solomon; and the workmanship thereof was exceedingly fine. 2 Nephi 5:16

Then the people of Nephi who lived in a place called Nephi wanted to make Nephi their king.

And It came to pass that they would that I should be their king. 2 Nephi 5:18a

But Nephi said they should have no king.

But I, Nephi, was desirous that they should have no king; nevertheless, I did for them according to that which was in my power. 2 Nephi 5:18b

So Nephi became their ruler instead.

And behold, the words of the Lord had been fulfilled unto my brethren, which he spake concerning them, that I should be their ruler and their teacher. 2 Nephi 5:19

When Nephi's rebellious brothers found out that Nephi was the ruler, they rebelled against Nephi's rule, just as God said they would. So God cut them off from his presence.

Wherefore, the word of the Lord was fulfilled which he spake unto me, saying that: Inasmuch as they will not hearken unto thy words they shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord. And behold, they were cut off from his presence. 2 Nephi 5:20

And cursed them.

And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. 2 Nephi 5:21a

God's curse caused "a skin of blackness to come upon" the Lamanites to make them appear repulsive to the "white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome" Nephites.

For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21b-22

And if any white and delightsome Nephite tried to mix some seed with a loathsome, dark-skinned Lamanite, God would curse that Nephite with dark skin, too.

And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done. 2 Nephi 5:23

But God's curse of the Lamanites was more than skin deep. It affected their entire beings. They became idle, mischievous, savages -- and they remain so to this day, according to the LDS church. (Mormons believe Native Americans are the descendants of the Lamanites.)

And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become an idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey. 2 Nephi 5:24

But everything was exceedingly good with the Nephites. Nephi made priests out of his little brothers, Jacob and Joseph.

And It came to pass that I, Nephi, did consecrate Jacob and Joseph, that they should be priests and teachers over the land of my people. 2 Nephi 5:26

The Nephites were happy campers.

And It came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness. 2 Nephi 5:27

Nephi wrote stuff down on his plates.

And I, Nephi, had kept the records upon my plates, which I had made, of my people thus far. 2 Nephi 5:28

And on other plates that God told him to make. It was all good to God and profitable to his people.

And It came to pass that the Lord God said unto me: Make other plates; and thou shalt engraven many things upon them which are good in my sight, for the profit of thy people. 2 Nephi 5:30

God was pleased, Nephi was pleased, and the people of Nephi were so pleased they could hardly stand it. And if you're pleased with the things of God you'll be pleased with Nephi's plates, too.

And I engraved that which is pleasing unto God. And if my people are pleased with the things of God they will be pleased with mine engravings which are upon these plates. 2 Nephi 5:32

But if you want to know the more particular part of anything else you'll just have to search Nephi's other plates.

And if my people desire to know the more particular part of the history of my people they must search mine other plates. 2 Nephi 5:33

It suffices for me and Nephi to say that forty years passed away with some wars and whatnot. Read all about in Nephi's other plates.

And it sufficeth me to say that forty years had passed away, and we had already had wars and contentions with our brethren. 2 Nephi 5:34

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 2 Nephi 6: Someday God will force non-Mormons to eat their own flesh and get drunk on their own blood

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2 Nephi 1-3: A tale of four Josephs and loads of loin fruit

Second Nephi begins with Lehi rehearsing and rehashing the same old stories from Nephi's first book.

And now It came to pass that after I, Nephi, had made an end of teaching my brethren, our father, Lehi, also spake many things unto them, and rehearsed unto them.... 2 Nephi 1:1

So I'm going to skip the first two chapters of 2 Nephi and begin with chapter 3.

Chapter 3 is all about Joseph. Joseph Smith, that is, along with three other Josephs and lots of loin fruit. (See the LDS Seminary Manual's section on 2 Nephi 3 to see that I'm not making this up.)

The author of Second Nephi (God, Nephi, Joseph Smith, Matt Stone and Trey Parker?) really liked the phrase "fruit of thy loins." It, or variants of it, is used 21 times in chapter 3 alone, with verse 12 setting an all time fruit-of-thy-loins record for a single verse, with 5. Here it is.

Wherefore, the fruit of thy loins shall write; and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write; and that which shall be written by the fruit of thy loins, and also that which shall be written by the fruit of the loins of Judah, shall grow together, unto the confounding of false doctrines and laying down of contentions, and establishing peace among the fruit of thy loins, and bringing them to the knowledge of their fathers in the latter days, and also to the knowledge of my covenants, saith the Lord. 2 Nephi 3:12

If the above verse doesn't make much sense to you, maybe it will help to have it read to you. (Note: Drew mispronounced "Nephi", but otherwise the reading is perfect.)

And that is a good summary of the first three chapters of 2 Nephi.

But to understand it fully, you must sort through the Josephs and loin fruit.

The first Joseph is Lehi's youngest son, who was born in the wilderness and got hungry on the voyage to America. Here are the only two verses that mention him up to now.

And now, my father had begat two sons in the wilderness; the elder was called Jacob and the younger Joseph. 1 Nephi 18:7

And Jacob and Joseph also, being young, having need of much nourishment, were grieved because of the afflictions of their mother. 1 Nephi 18:19

Since the author of 2 Nephi likes the name Joseph so much, Lehi directs his prophesy to his son with that name (Joseph #1).

And now I speak unto you, Joseph, my last-born. Thou wast born in the wilderness. 2 Nephi 3:1

Next we meet Joseph #2, the one from Genesis. Lehi discovered that Joseph #2 was his ancestor by reading from the plates of Lehi (that Nephi stole from Laban after murdering him). So Lehi was a fruit from Joseph #2's loins.

For behold, thou art the fruit of my loins; and I am a descendant of Joseph who was carried captive into Egypt. 2 Nephi 3:4

And Joseph #2 (who was supposed to have lived ~1500 BCE) prophesied about another Joseph (#3) who would live 3300 years later in New York State.

Wherefore, Joseph truly saw our day. And he obtained a promise of the Lord, that out of the fruit of his loins the Lord God would raise up a righteous branch unto the house of Israel; not the Messiah, but a branch which was to be broken off, nevertheless, to be remembered in the covenants of the Lord that the Messiah should be made manifest unto them in the latter days, in the spirit of power, unto the bringing of them out of darkness unto light -- yea, out of hidden darkness and out of captivity unto freedom. 2 Nephi 3:5

That's right, Joseph #2 is talking about Joseph Smith, Jr. (Joseph #3).

Now that he's been properly introduced, Joseph Smith (or whoever wrote 2 Nephi) makes some modest prophecies about himself.

He will be a choice seer,

A seer shall the Lord my God raise up, who shall be a choice seer unto the fruit of my loins. Yea, Joseph truly said: Thus saith the Lord unto me: A choice seer will I raise up out of the fruit of thy loins. 2 Nephi 3:6-7a

esteemed highly,

He shall be esteemed highly among the fruit of thy loins. 2 Nephi 3:7b

and shall do "a work of great worth."

He shall do a work for the fruit of thy loins, his brethren, which shall be of great worth. 2 Nephi 3:7c

He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses,

And I will make him great in mine eyes ... And he shall be great like unto Moses. 2 Nephi 3:8-9

doing much good as an instrument in God's hands, with exceeding faith, working mighty wonders, doing great things in the sight of God.

And there shall rise up one mighty among them, who shall do much good, both in word and in deed, being an instrument in the hands of God, with exceeding faith, to work mighty wonders, and do that thing which is great in the sight of God ... unto the seed of thy brethren. 2 Nephi 3:24

God's finger will write the law down for him.

I will write unto him my law, by the finger of mine own hand; and I will make a spokesman for him. 2 Nephi 3:17

He will bring forth the word unto the seed of lots and lots of loins.

But a seer will I raise up out of the fruit of thy loins; and unto him will I give power to bring forth my word unto the seed of thy loins ... I will raise up unto the fruit of thy loins; and I will make for him a spokesman. And I, behold, I will give unto him that he shall write the writing of the fruit of thy loins, unto the fruit of thy loins; and the spokesman of thy loins shall declare it. 2 Nephi 3:11-18

It'll be as though the fruit of someone's loins cried out from the dust, "For I know their faith." Or something like that.

And the words which he shall write shall be the words which are expedient in my wisdom should go forth unto the fruit of thy loins. And it shall be as if the fruit of thy loins had cried unto them from the dust; for I know their faith. 2 Nephi 3:19

And now we come to back to verse 12, which I'll repeat for you in case you've forgotten it.

Wherefore, the fruit of thy loins shall write; and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write; and that which shall be written by the fruit of thy loins, and also that which shall be written by the fruit of the loins of Judah, shall grow together, unto the confounding of false doctrines and laying down of contentions, and establishing peace among the fruit of thy loins, and bringing them to the knowledge of their fathers in the latter days, and also to the knowledge of my covenants, saith the Lord. 2 Nephi 3:12

Makes perfect sense now, doesn't it?

The fruit of Joseph #2's loins (Joseph Smith, Jr., Joseph #3) shall write the Book of Mormon and the fruit of the loins of Judah shall write the Bible. And the Book of Mormon and the Bible will grow together confounding the false doctrines of the Catholics and other members of Satan's church.

Still, I don't see how Joseph #3 is the fruit of Joseph #2's loins, but the Mormon's say that he is. And Joseph #3 didn't write the Book of Mormon, did he? I thought he just translated it. Oh well, the rest of the story makes perfect sense.

But there's one more Joseph that I haven't mentioned. Joseph #4, Joseph Smith, Sr.

And his name shall be called after me; and it shall be after the name of his father. 2 Nephi 3:15

See how he fits in here? Joseph Smith, Jr. was named after his father, Joseph Smith, Sr.

So there you have it. Four Josephs and a ton of loin fruit all sorted out for you.

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 2 Nephi 4-5: Because of their unbelief, the Lamanites are cursed, receive a skin of blackness

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The Seven Wonders of the Book of Mormon

OK, it's finally over. Sarah Palin has returned to Alaska and Barack Obama is our new president. I feel like a born again American.

So I'm in the mood for something completely different. How about something from the Book of Mormon?

Although you may have missed it, Donald Parry, a BYU professor, said at a recent Book of Mormon Lands Conference that the Book of Mormon is filled with "wonder upon wonder upon wonder." Here is his list of the seven wonders of the Book of Mormon.

But I think he left out the most wonderful wonders of all. Here is my list.

1. The night before Jesus was born was as bright as day everywhere on earth.

   And it came to pass that ... the voice of the Lord came unto him, saying ... the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world ... It came to pass that ... behold, at the going down of the sun there was no darkness ... when the night came. ... [A]ll the people upon the face of the whole earth from the west to the east, both in the land north and in the land south, were so exceedingly astonished that they fell to the earth. ... It came to pass that there was no darkness in all that night, but it was as light as though it was mid-day. It came to pass that the sun did rise in the morning again, according to its proper order; and they knew that it was the day that the Lord should be born, because of the sign which had been given. 3 Nephi 1:12-19

2. For three days after Jesus died there was absolutely no light anywhere on earth -- not from the sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires.
   This was prophesied in 6 BCE by a North American prophet. How amazing is that?

   And now it came to pass that Samuel, the Lamanite, did prophesy ... behold, as I said unto you concerning another sign, a sign of his death, behold, in that day that he shall suffer death the sun shall be darkened and refuse to give his light unto you; and also the moon and the stars; and there shall be no light upon the face of this land, even from the time that he shall suffer death, for the space of three days. Helaman 14:1, 20

   And then in 34 CE it happened just like it was supposed to!

   And the people began to look with great earnestness for the sign which had been given by the prophet Samuel, the Lamanite, yea, for the time that there should be darkness for the space of three days over the face of the land ... ... It came to pass that there was thick darkness upon all the face of the land.... And there could be no light, because of the darkness, neither candles, neither torches; neither could there be fire kindled ... And there was not any light seen, neither fire, nor glimmer, neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars. 3 Nephi 8:3, 20-22

3. When Jesus died, the entire earth was deformed. Cities sunk into the sea and the inhabitants were drowned. Other cities were burned or destroyed by earthquakes. Highways were broken up and many people were carried away by whirlwinds.

   And now it came to pass that Samuel, the Lamanite, did prophesy ... But behold, as I said unto you concerning another sign, a sign of his death ... And behold, there shall be great tempests, and there shall be many mountains laid low, like unto a valley, and there shall be many places which are now called valleys which shall become mountains, whose height is great. ... And many highways shall be broken up, and many cities shall become desolate. Helaman 14:1, 20, 23-25

   And there was also a great and terrible tempest; and there was terrible thunder, insomuch that it did shake the whole earth as if it was about to divide asunder ... And the city of Zarahemla did take fire. And the city of Moroni did sink into the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof were drowned. And the earth was carried up upon the city of Moronihah that in the place of the city there became a great mountain. ... And many great and notable cities were sunk, and many were burned, and many were shaken till the buildings thereof had fallen to the earth, and the inhabitants thereof were slain, and the places were left desolate. ... And thus the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the quaking of the earth. 3 Nephi 8:6-17

4. A voice from the sky was heard by every person on earth. (It was the voice of Jesus bragging about burning and drowning entire cities.)

   It came to pass that there was a voice heard among all the inhabitants of the earth, upon all the face of this land, crying: Wo, wo, wo unto this people; wo unto the inhabitants of the whole earth except they shall repent; for the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice, because of the slain of the fair sons and daughters of my people; ... Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof. And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned. that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, and the inhabitants thereof ... And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, ... And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, and made hills and valleys in the places thereof; and the inhabitants thereof have I buried up in the depths of the earth ... And behold, that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire ... And behold, the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof ... And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people ... Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.... 3 Nephi 9:1-15

   (See 3 Nephi 10:3-6 and 11:3-51 for two other long speeches that Jesus delivered with his sky voice.)

5. God darkens people's skin to punish them for being evil and to separate them from the good (white) people.

   And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21-22

6. God sometimes makes especially well-behaved dark-skinned people white and delightsome again!

   It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14-16

7. Jesus made the already white skin of the Nephites ever whiter so that they became as white as he was, whiter than anything else on earth.

   It came to pass that Jesus blessed them as they did pray unto him; and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them, and behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus; and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof ... And when Jesus had spoken these words he came again unto his disciples ... and behold they were white, even as Jesus. 3 Nephi 19:25-30