Surah 4:136-176 -- Jesus wasn't really crucified, it just looked that way

The end of Surah 4 contains a bit of news about Jesus, something you may not have heard about before.

Here it is: Allah and Jesus worked together to make his death appear to be a bloody crucifixion, but it was all just a fancy magic trick. Jesus didn't really die, it just looked that way.

Oh sure, the Jews like to brag about killing the Messiah (we've all heard them do that), but they didn't really. Allah tricked them, just for the heck of it.

And because of their saying: We slew the Messiah, Jesus son of Mary, Allah's messenger - they slew him not nor crucified him, but it appeared so unto them. 4:157a

Allah and Jesus faked the whole bloody mess. Jesus beamed up to heaven and had some stand-in^* do the crucifixion for him.

And lo! those who disagree concerning it are in doubt thereof; they have no knowledge thereof save pursuit of a conjecture; they slew him not for certain. But Allah took him up unto Himself. 4:157b-8

The rest of the section repeats the same old stuff that we've already heard and have grown tired of. Allah will neither help nor forgive disbelievers or apostates (4:137-143), but purposefully misleads them so that he can burn them in hell after they die (4:167-170). Muslims should not have them for friends (4:144). Oh, and women are worth half a much as men (4:176).

There is one other verse that I should mention, though. Here it is.

Do not exaggerate in your religion. 4:171

There's a name for people who don't exaggerate in their religion. They're called atheists.

---

* The gospel of Barnabas (a 16th century forgery) claims it was Judas.

Surah 4:81-135 Ponder on the Quran

The Rev. Terry Jones announced this week that he plans to put the Quran on trial. And I think that's a great idea, as long as the Bible is put on trial, as well, using the same standards that are applied to the Quran. The burning, firing squad, drowning, shredding thing is silly, of course, but the basic idea is sound enough. Read the Quran (Bible, Book of Mormon, etc.) and decide what it is worth.

And that's pretty much what the Quran says as well. Read the Quran, ponder on it, and decide for yourself what to make of it. If it is from Allah, you should find no incongruity. It should all be good, true, beautiful, perfect.

Will they not then ponder on the Qur'an? If it had been from other than Allah they would have found therein much incongruity. 4:82

With that in mind, then, let's continue to ponder the Quran by looking for incongruities in this section.

Let's start with the good.

1. What goes around comes around. (It's not true, but it's a nice thought.)

   Whoso interveneth in a good cause will have the reward thereof, and whoso interveneth in an evil cause will bear the consequence thereof. 4:85

2. If someone says Hi to you say Hi (or Howdy) back to them.

   When ye are greeted with a greeting, greet ye with a better than it or return it. 4:86

3. Be kind, help the poor, and strive for peace.

   There is .. good in ... him who enjoineth almsgiving and kindness and peace-making. 4:114

4. Value justice, for both poor and rich, even when it adversely affects you or your family's interests.

   Be ye staunch in justice, witnesses for Allah, even though it be against yourselves or (your) parents or (your) kindred, whether (the case be of) a rich man or a poor man 4:135

Now for the bad.

1. Most of us would be followers of Satan if it wasn't for Allah.

   If it had not been for the grace of Allah upon you and His mercy ye would have followed Satan, save a few (of you). 4:83

2. So fight for Allah. Allah will always rig the battle so that Muslims will defeat non-Muslims.

   So fight (O Muhammad) in the way of Allah ... Allah will restrain the might of those who disbelieve. 4:84

   Relent not in pursuit of the enemy. If ye are suffering, lo! they suffer even as ye suffer and ye hope from Allah that for which they cannot hope. 4:104

3. Don't try to convert apostates or Christians. Allah led them astray and he wants them to stay that way.

   The hypocrites, when Allah cast them back (to disbelief) because of what they earned? Seek ye to guide him whom Allah hath sent astray? 4:88

   Allah pardoneth not that partners should be ascribed unto Him ... Whoso ascribeth partners unto Allah hath wandered far astray. 4:116

   Plead not on behalf of (people) who deceive themselves. 4:107

4. After non-Muslims die, they will make excuses for their unbelief -- like saying that they were oppressed. Then the angels will ask them, "Why didn't you move to another country?" But the angels won't wait for an answer. They'll just take them all to hell, except for the feeble men, women, and children who couldn't devise a plan. Or whatever.

   Lo! as for those whom the angels take (in death) while they wrong themselves, (the angels) will ask: In what were ye engaged ? They will say: We were oppressed in the land. (The angels) will say: Was not Allah's earth spacious that ye could have migrated therein ? As for such, their habitation will be hell, an evil journey's end. Except the feeble among men, and the women, and the children, who are unable to devise a plan and are not shown a way. 4:97-98

5. All non-Muslims go to hell anyway.

   Whoso opposeth the messenger ... and followeth other than the believer's way, We ... expose him unto hell - a hapless journey's end! 4:115

6. So don't be friends with them. They are an open enemy to you. If they oppose you in any way, just kill them wherever you find them.

   Choose not friends from them till they forsake their homes in the way of Allah; if they turn back (to enmity) then take them and kill them wherever ye find them, and choose no friend ... from among them. 4:89

   The disbelievers are an open enemy to you ... Allah prepareth for the disbelievers shameful punishment. 4:101-2

   If they keep not aloof from you nor offer you peace nor hold their hands, then take them and kill them wherever ye find them. Against such We have given you clear warrant. 4:91

7. But don't kill any Muslims, unless it's by mistake, in which case you must set free a Muslim slave and pay some blood-money to the dead Muslim's family.

   Whoso slayeth a believer of set purpose, his reward is hell for ever ... an awful doom. 4:93

   It is not for a believer to kill a believer unless (it be) by mistake. He who hath killed a believer by mistake must set free a believing slave. 4:92

8. Those that have female gods pray to Satan.

   They invoke in His stead only females; they pray to none else than Satan. 4:117

9. Don't bother trying to treat your wives fairly. It's impossible.

   Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so). 4:129

10. Don't cut cattle's ears. (Men shouldn't shave their beards and women shouldn't pluck their eyebrows.) Allah commands non-Muslims to shave beards and pluck eyebrows so he can have an excuse to burn them in hell after they die.

    I will lead them astray, and surely I will arouse desires in them, and surely I will command them and they will cut the cattle' ears, and surely I will command them and they will change Allah's creation ... For such, their habitation will be hell. 4:119-121

So ponder the Quran with Allah and put it on trial with Terry Jones. Do the same with the Bible, Book of Mormon, or other supposed holy book. Refuse to believe in any book that is unworthy of your belief, and you'll be free from religion forever.

Surah 4:35-80 Fresh skins for Allah's fire

This section starts off well enough, with Allah telling us to be kind to our parents, relatives, orphans, the needy, neighbors, strangers, and travelers.

(Show) kindness unto parents, and unto near kindred, and orphans, and the needy, and unto the neighbour who is of kin (unto you) and the neighbour who is not of kin, and the fellow-traveller and the wayfarer. 4:36

And yet, even here, when the Quran is at its very best, its dark side seeps through.

Because the same verse with the good stuff above includes the bad stuff below.

Serve Allah. Ascribe no thing as partner unto Him. (Show) kindness unto ... (the slaves) whom your right hands possess. Lo! Allah loveth not such as are proud and boastful, 4:36

Serve Allah, who has no partners. Be kind to your slaves. Don't be proud and boastful or Allah won't love you.

That's not all that bad, you say. And I agree. But it gets worse from there.

Allah reminds us about his plans for disbelievers and those who have the wrong imaginary friend (Satan instead of Allah).

For disbelievers We prepare a shameful doom; And (also) those who ... believe not in Allah nor the Last Day. Whoso taketh Satan for a comrade, a bad comrade hath he. 4:37-38

Next Allah says that there are times when we shouldn't pray. Like when we are drunk, dirty, after going to the bathroom, or after touching a woman. But if you have soiled yourself by touching a women or some other dirty thing, you can clean up without water by rubbing your hands and face in some dirt. That'll do it.

O ye who believe! Draw not near unto prayer when ye are drunken, till ye know that which ye utter ... nor when ye are polluted, save when journeying upon the road, till ye have bathed. And if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have touched women, and ye find not water, then go to high clean soil and rub your faces and your hands (therewith). Lo! Allah is Benign, Forgiving. 4:43

Now that that's out of the way, Allah tells us about our enemies.

Allah knoweth best (who are) your enemies. 4:45

And who are our enemies? Everyone except Muslims, of course.

1. The Jews, whom Allah has cursed for their disbelief, causing them to disbelieve, "save a few."

   Some of those who are Jews change words from their context and say: "We hear and disobey; hear thou as one who heareth not" and "Listen to us!" distorting with their tongues and slandering religion. If they had said: "We hear and we obey: hear thou, and look at us" it had been better for them, and more upright. But Allah hath cursed them for their disbelief, so they believe not, save a few. 4:46

   But Allah has not only cursed the Jews (causing their disbelief), he turned some of them into apes!

   O ye unto whom the Scripture hath been given! Believe in what We have revealed confirming that which ye possess, before We destroy countenances so as to confound them, or curse them as We cursed the Sabbath-breakers (of old time). 4:47

2. The Christians, who say that Allah has a partner, when, as everyone knows, Allah has no friends or partners.

   Allah forgiveth not that a partner should be ascribed unto Him. He forgiveth (all) save that to whom He will. Whoso ascribeth partners to Allah, he hath indeed invented a tremendous sin. 4:48

3. Those that invent lies about Allah, believe in idols, claim to be more rightly guided, or whatnot. Allah curses them all.

   See, how they invent lies about Allah! That of itself is flagrant sin. Hast thou not seen those unto whom a portion of the Scripture hath been given, how they believe in idols and false deities, and how they say of those (idolaters) who disbelieve: "These are more rightly guided than those who believe"? Those are they whom Allah hath cursed, and he whom Allah hath cursed. 4:50-52

4. And former Muslims. Hell is sufficient for their burning.

   And of them were (some) who believed therein and of them were (some) who turned away from it. Hell is sufficient for (their) burning. 4:55

Allah will burn disbelievers in the Fire. And after there skin burns off, he'll replace their skins and do it again and again. Allah is ever Mighty, Wise, Sadistic.

Lo! Those who disbelieve Our revelations, We shall expose them to the Fire. As often as their skins are consumed We shall exchange them for fresh skins that they may taste the torment. Lo! Allah is ever Mighty, Wise. 4:56

But those that believe and do good works will go to gardens after they die, where they'll have lots of shade and pure companions to mess around with forever.

And as for those who believe and do good works, We shall make them enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow - to dwell therein for ever; there for them are pure companions - and We shall make them enter plenteous shade. 4:57

So obey Allah and his messenger Muhammad.

Obey Allah, and obey the messenger and those of you who are in authority; and if ye have a dispute concerning any matter, refer it to Allah and the messenger 4:59

Oppose those that refuse to obey.

Hast thou not seen those who pretend that they believe in that which is revealed unto thee and that which was revealed before thee, how they would go for judgment (in their disputes) to false deities when they have been ordered to abjure them ? Satan would mislead them far astray. And when it is said unto them: Come unto that which Allah hath revealed and unto the messenger, thou seest the hypocrites turn from thee with aversion ... So oppose them and admonish them. 4:60-63

Hang out with Muslims. "The best of company are they!"

Whoso obeyeth Allah and the messenger, they are with those unto whom Allah hath shown favour, of the prophets and the saints and the martyrs and the righteous. The best of company are they! 4:69

Fight the disbelieving minions of the devil in the cause of Allah.

Fight in the way of Allah ... Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward ... Those who believe do battle for the cause of Allah; and those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil.4:74-76

And don't worry about dying in battle. Remember the shade and the pure companions. Allah wouldn't hurt the down on a date-stone.

Hast thou not seen those ... when fighting was prescribed ... say: Our Lord! Why hast Thou ordained fighting for us? ... Say (unto them, O Muhammad): The comfort of this world is scant; the Hereafter will be better for him who wardeth off (evil); and ye will not be wronged the down upon a date-stone. 4:77

If something good happens to you, it is because of Allah. If something bad happens, it's your own damn fault. Heads, Allah wins; tails, you lose.

If a happy thing befalleth them they say: This is from Allah; and if an evil thing befalleth them they say: This is of thy doing (O Muhammad). Say (unto them): All is from Allah. Whatever of good befalleth thee (O man) it is from Allah, and whatever of ill befalleth thee it is from thyself. 4:78-79

Whoever obeys Muhammad, obeys Allah. Whoever doesn't, doesn't.

Whoso obeyeth the messenger hath obeyed Allah, and whoso turneth away: We have not sent thee as a warder over them. 4:80

So which would you prefer? Would you rather mess around in the shade with pure companions after you die or have your skin burned off over and over again by Allah?

Allah is Mighty, Wise, Sadistic.

Surah 4: 1-34 Woe to the Women

Surah 4 begins by repeating one of the first lies of Genesis. God created a man first, then a woman from the man, and all humans descended from them.

Your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. 4:1

Then Allah says something nice: don't steal from orphans or exchange the good for the bad.

Give unto orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. Lo! that would be a great sin. 4:2

If you mistreat orphans, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire. Fair is fair.

Those who devour the wealth of orphans wrongfully, they do but swallow fire into their bellies, and they will be exposed to burning flame. 4:10

Of course there are lots of other things that Allah will burn you forever for. Like disobeying him or his messenger Mo.

Whoso disobeyeth Allah and His messenger and transgresseth His limits, He will make him enter Fire, where he will dwell for ever; his will be a shameful doom. 4:14

Or killing people through injustice or aggression.

Kill not one another ... Whoso doeth that through aggression and injustice, we shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:29-30

Or behaving badly without repenting until nearly dead, or dying while disbelieving.

The forgiveness is not for those who do ill-deeds until, when death attendeth upon one of them, he saith: Lo! I repent now; nor yet for those who die while they are disbelievers. For such We have prepared a painful doom. 4:18

Next Allah lays down the law on inheritance.

The first part is clear enough. Females get half as much as males.

Allah chargeth you concerning (the provision for) your children: to the male the equivalent of the portion of two females... 4:11a

But things get confusing after that.

...and if there be women more than two, then theirs is two-thirds of the inheritance, and if there be one (only) then the half.And to each of his parents a sixth of the inheritance, if he have a son; and if he have no son and his parents are his heirs, then to his mother appertaineth the third; and if he have brethren, then to his mother appertaineth the sixth, after any legacy he may have bequeathed, or debt (hath been paid). Your parents and your children: Ye know not which of them is nearer unto you in usefulness. It is an injunction from Allah. Lo! Allah is Knower, Wise.

And unto you belongeth a half of that which your wives leave, if they have no child; but if they have a child then unto you the fourth of that which they leave, afte r any legacy they may have bequeathed, or debt (they ma y have contracted, hath been paid). And unto them belon geth the fourth of that which ye leave if ye have no ch ild, but if ye have a child then the eighth of that whi ch ye leave, after any legacy ye may have bequeathed, o r debt (ye may have contracted, hath been paid). And if a man or a woman have a distant heir (having left neit her parent nor child), and he (or she) have a brother o r a sister (only on the mother's side) then to each of them twain (the brother and the sister) the sixth, and if they be more than two, then they shall be sharers in the third, after any legacy that may have been bequeat hed or debt (contracted) not injuring (the heirs by wil ling away more than a third of the heritage) hath been 4:11b-12

None of that makes sense to me, but here's a link that explains it all for you.

But the focus of this Surah is, as its title suggests, on women.

Allah explains that it's OK to have two, three, or four wives, slave or free. Whatever.

Marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four; and if ye fear that ye cannot do justice (to so many) then one (only) or (the captives) that your right hands possess. 4:3

And if you can't afford to marry free Muslims women, go ahead and marry slaves, as long as they're Muslims.

Whoso is not able to afford to marry free, believing women, let them marry from the believing maids whom your right hands possess. 4:25a

But don't worry too much about it. If you decide you don't like some of your wives you can always exchange them for others.

And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another.... 4:20

Be careful, though, not to marry any women that are already married -- unless they're slaves that you obtained in war. Then it's OK.

All married women (are forbidden unto you) save those (captives) whom your right hands possess. 4:24

If any of your non-slave wives get lewd, cut off their inheritance and confine them to the house until they die.

It is not lawful for you forcibly to ... take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. 4:19

As for those of your women who are guilty of lewdness ... confine them to the houses until death take them. 4:15

If your slave wives are guilty of lewdness, punish them half as much as you punish your lewd free wives.

If when they are honourably married they commit lewdness they shall incur the half of the punishment (prescribed) for free women. 4:25b

Always remember that men are better than women because Allah made them that way and men spend lots of money on women.

Men are in charge of women, because Allah hath made the one of them to excel the other, and because they spend of their property (for the support of women). 4:34a

So good women are obedient to men, guarding the secret that Allah gave to them.

So good women are the obedient, guarding in secret that which Allah hath guarded. 4:34b

If your wives refuse to obey you, beat them and refuse to have sex with them.

As for those from whom ye fear rebellion, admonish them and banish them to beds apart, and scourge them. 4:34c

That'll teach them.

Surah 3 -- Allah is the best of schemers

The last surah (2) took eleven posts over a period of five months. Even considering its length (286 verses), that's just too darned long. At that rate, it'd take me about nine years to finish blogging the Quran. So I'm going to speed things up a bit.

That's not that hard to do, at least with Surah 3. It, too, is long (200 verses), but it doesn't have much to say. And what it does say, it says over and over again.

So I just went through the whole thing and grouped the interesting verses into categories. Here's what I came up with.

Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.

He it is Who hath revealed unto thee (Muhammad) the Scripture wherein are clear revelations - they are the substance of the Book - and others (which are) allegorical. But those in whose hearts is doubt pursue, forsooth, that which is allegorical seeking (to cause) dissension by seeking to explain it. None knoweth its explanation save Allah. 3:7

Take 3:13, for example, an allegorical scripture if there ever was one.

Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly, with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.)

There was a token for you in two hosts which met: one army fighting in the way of Allah, and another disbelieving, whom they saw as twice their number, clearly, with their very eyes. Thus Allah strengtheneth with His succour whom He will. Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who have eyes. 3:13

But Allah doesn't use allegory when he tells us how he feels about people. He has a simple rule that he always follows: he likes Muslims and hates everyone else.

Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency, and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him.

Ye are the best community that hath been raised up for mankind. Ye enjoin right conduct and forbid indecency; and ye believe in Allah. And if the People of the Scripture had believed it had been better for them. Some of them are believers; but most of them are evil-livers. 3:110

Still, he likes some Muslims more than others.

Allah preferred Adam and Noah and the Family of Abraham and the Family of 'Imran above (all His) creatures. They were descendants one of another. Allah is Hearer, Knower. 3:33-34

And he absolutely hates non-Muslims.

Allah loveth not the disbelievers. 3:32

Some day he'll even color-code the living dead by whitening the faces of Muslims and blackening the faces of non-Muslims.

On the Day when (some) faces will be whitened and (some) faces will be blackened; and as for those whose faces have been blackened, it will be said unto them: Disbelieved ye after your (profession of) belief ? Then taste the punishment for that ye disbelieved. 3:106

While they are alive, Allah will terrorize the non-Muslims.

We shall cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. 3:151

And after they die, he'll torment them forever by burning their resurrected bodies.

Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah, theirs will be a heavy doom. 3:4

Those who disbelieve ... will be fuel for Fire. 3:10

Those who disbelieve ... shall be ... gathered unto Hell. 3:12

Whoso disbelieveth the revelations of Allah (will find that) lo! Allah is swift at reckoning. 3:19

Lo! those who disbelieve the revelations of Allah ... promise them a painful doom. 3:21

They say: The Fire will not touch us save for a certain number of days. That which they used to invent hath deceived them regarding their religion. 3:24

As for those who disbelieve I shall chastise them with a heavy chastisement in the world and the Hereafter; and they will have no helpers. 3:56

Whoso seeketh as religion other than the Surrender (to Allah) it will not be accepted from him, and he will be a loser in the Hereafter. 3:85

Those who disbelieve, and die in disbelief ... Theirs will be a painful doom and they will have no helpers. 3:91

Those who separated and disputed after the clear proofs had come unto them. For such there is an awful doom, 3:105

Those who disbelieve ... are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 3:116

And ward off (from yourselves) the Fire prepared for disbelievers. 3:131

Those who purchase disbelief at the price of faith harm Allah not at all, but theirs will be a painful doom. 3:177

Those who disbelieve ... We only give them rein that they may grow in sinfulness. And theirs will be a shameful doom. 3:178

But there is one group of people that Allah hates even more than non-Muslims (if such a thing is possible): Muslim apostates. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.

People who disbelieved after their belief ... on them rests the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They will abide therein. Their doom will not be lightened, neither will they be reprieved. 3:86-88

So don't be friends with non-Muslims.

Let not the believers take disbelievers for their friends in preference to believers. 3:28

O ye who believe! Take not for intimates others than your own folk, who would spare no pains to ruin you; they love to hamper you. Hatred is revealed by (the utterance of) their mouths, but that which their breasts hide is greater. 3:118

Don't obey them.

O ye who believe! if ye obey those who disbelieve, they will make you turn back on your heels, and ye turn back as losers. 3:149

Or believe anything they say.

Believe not save in one who followeth your religion. 3:73

But ask Allah to help you defeat them.

Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 3:147

Because Muslims can beat non-Muslims any day of the week.

Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers. 3:139

And only Muslim chicken-shits are inspired by Satan.

Lo! those of you who turned back on the day when the two hosts met, Satan alone it was who caused them to backslide 3:155

So don't worry about dying in a holy war against non-Muslims.

Though ye be slain in Allah's way or die therein? Surely pardon from Allah and mercy are better than all that they amass. 3:157

Because Muslim holy war soldiers never die, they just hang out in nice gardens with pure companions.

For those who keep from evil, with their Lord, are Gardens underneath which rivers flow wherein they will abide, and pure companions, and contentment from Allah. 3:15

Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead. Nay, they are living ... Jubilant (are they) ... rejoicing ... neither shall they grieve. 3:169-170

Those who ... were slain, verily I shall remit their evil deeds from them and verily I shall bring them into Gardens underneath which rivers flow. 3:195

And then there are a few strange stories and tiny tidbits that Allah wants to share with you.

There's the one about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.

Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. 3:49

And this good advice for believers of all religions.

Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge? 3:66

And finally, my favorite verse in Surah 3: "Allah is the best of all schemers."

And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers. 3:54

Quran 2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories

Allah begins this section by asking Muhammad if he'd heard the story about the resurrected soldiers. You know, the one where back in the day there were thousands of soldiers that Allah told to die and then after they died he raised them from the dead. Yeah that one.

Bethink thee (O Muhammad) of those of old, who went forth from their habitations in their thousands, fearing death, and Allah said unto them: Die; and then He brought them back to life. 2:243

They even made a movie about it.

Next Allah tells us all to fight in the way of Allah.

Fight in the way of Allah. 2:244

And asks us for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.

Who is it that will lend unto Allah a goodly loan, so that He may give it increase manifold? Allah straiteneth and enlargeth. 2:245

Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark.

Their Prophet said unto them: Lo! Allah hath raised up Saul to be a king for you. ... And their Prophet said unto them: Lo! the token of his kingdom is that there shall come unto you the ark ... the angels bearing it. Lo! herein shall be a token for you if (in truth) ye are believers. 2:247-8

And then he confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7.

And when Saul set out with the army, he said: Lo! Allah will try you by (the ordeal of) a river. Whosoever therefore drinketh thereof he is not of me, and whosoever tasteth it not he is of me, save him who taketh (thereof) in the hollow of his hand. But they drank thereof, all save a few of them. And after he had crossed (the river), he and those who believed with him, they said: We have no power this day against Goliath and his hosts. But those who knew that they would meet Allah exclaimed: How many a little company hath overcome a mighty host by Allah's leave! 2:249

And, of course, every twenty verses or so, he throws in something like this.

The disbelievers, they are the wrong-doers. 2:254

Then Allah says something nice for a change.

There is no compulsion in religion. 2:256

But in the next verse he ruins it by saying he'll torture non-Muslims forever after they die. There's no compulsion in religion, but you'll be tortured forever if you don't accept the right religion.

As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:257

Next Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, "God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west." Which totally abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah.

Bethink thee of him who had an argument with Abraham about his Lord, because Allah had given him the kingdom; how, when Abraham said: My Lord is He Who giveth life and causeth death, he answered: I give life and cause death. Abraham said: Lo! Allah causeth the sun to rise in the East, so do thou cause it to come up from the West. Thus was the disbeliever abashed. And Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk. 2:258

Then Allah tells us about a guy who had been dead for 100 years that he brought back to life. That's even cooler than the Rip Van Winkle story.

Or (bethink thee of) the like of him who, passing by a township which had fallen into utter ruin, exclaimed: How shall Allah give this township life after its death ? And Allah made him die a hundred years, then brought him back to life. He said: How long hast thou tarried ? (The man) said: I have tarried a day or part of a day. (He) said: Nay, but thou hast tarried for a hundred years. Just look at thy food and drink which have not rotted! Look at thine ass! And, that We may make thee a token unto mankind, look at the bones, how We adjust them and then cover them with flesh! 2:259

But Abraham, even after hearing all of Allah's tall tales, still wasn't sure he believed. So Allah told him to put four birds on a hill and then call to them. (Here birdie, birdie!) Then when the birds come, you'll believe. Allah is mighty, wise, idiotic.

And when Abraham said (unto his Lord): My Lord! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead, He said: Dost thou not believe ? Abraham said: Yea, but (I ask) in order that my heart may be at ease. (His Lord) said: Take four of the birds and cause them to incline unto thee, then place a part of them on each hill, then call them, they will come to thee in haste, and know that Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:260

And now it's time for Allah to say something nasty again about disbelievers.

Allah guideth not the disbelieving folk. 2:264

The next 20 or so verses are too boring to comment on. But in verse 282, Allah tells us how much he thinks a woman is worth -- one half of a man.

And call two witness from among your men, two witnesses. And if two men be not at hand, then a man and two women. 2:282

And we finally come to an end of the longest surah in the Quran, where Allah asks himself (or somebody else) to "give us victory over the disbelieving folk."

Give us victory over the disbelieving folk. 2:286

Good luck with that, Allah.

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Bogging the Quran

3: --

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Surah 2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

If anyone asks you about drinking and gambling, here's what Allah says to say.

They question thee about strong drink and games of chance. Say: In both is great sin, and (some) utility for men; but the sin of them is greater than their usefulness. 2:219a

Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either.

If you're wondering how much is too much, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous.

And they ask thee what they ought to spend. Say: that which is superfluous. 2:219b

Allah makes all his revelations plain so you can happily reflect.

Thus Allah maketh plain to you (His) revelations, that haply ye may reflect. 2:219c

But don't drink and gamble away all your superfluous stuff. Save some for orphans.

And they question thee concerning orphans. Say: To improve their lot is best. 2:220

Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Mormon woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Christian man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway?

Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire. 2:221

And what about menstruation, you ask? Well, Allah has this to say about that.

Menstruation is a filthy disease. All good Muslim men should stay the hell away from menstruating women And for God sakes, don't have sex with them while they're menstruating. It creeps Allah out just to think of it.

But don't worry guys. After they clean up you can have sex with them whenever you want. Allah loves clean men as much as he hates menstruating women.

They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. Truly Allah loveth those who turn unto Him, and loveth those who have a care for cleanness. 2:222

You see, in the mind of Allah, women are like a dirty field for you to plow with your penis. Plow them whenever you like (as long as they're not menstruating, of course.)

Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will. 2:223

Still, if you decide you don't want to have sex with your wives, Allah is OK with that, too. Wait four months, then if you change your mind, go ahead and have sex with them. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Fucking Crazy.

Those who forswear their wives must wait four months; then, if they change their mind, lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:226

Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce. If they skip one of their filthy periods, they must not hide it. In such a case, Allah suggests that their ex-husbands take their pregnant wives back.

Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. 2:228a

Allah says that women have rights similar to the men that rule over them. It's just that men, you see, are better then women. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Misogynistic.

And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise. 2:228b

I'm not going to go through all of Allah's rules for Holy Divorce. But here are a few highlights. None of it makes any sense to me.

First of all, you must divorce your wife twice. And she can ransom herself, whatever that might mean.

Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers. 2:229

But if you divorce your wife for the third time, you can't have her again until she marries another guy. Then if the other guy divorces her, it's OK for you to have sex with your thrice-divorced wife. What the hell. These are the limits of Allah.

And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge. 2:230

After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock.

When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing-stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things. 2:231

If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again. It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.

And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not. 2:232

Mothers should breast feed their kids for two years, but they don't have to if they don't want to. And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.

Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do. 2:233

After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.

Such of you as die and leave behind them wives, they (the wives) shall wait, keeping themselves apart, four months and ten days. And when they reach the term (prescribed for them) then there is no sin for you in aught that they may do with themselves in decency. Allah is informed of what ye do. 2:234

Allah is telling you this so you can understand.

Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations so that ye may understand. 2:242

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Bogging the Quran

2:243-286 -- Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories

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Surah 2:190-217 -- Allah's Rules for Holy Warfare

In this section, Allah lays down the rules of war for the religion of peace.

The first rule is that you must "fight in the way of Allah," but only against those that fight against you, and, even then, you can't start the war yourself. So preemptive war is out for Muslims.

Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but begin not hostilities. Lo! Allah loveth not aggressors. 2:190

I'm confused by the next verse, though. "Slay them wherever you find them." Who is the "them" here? Disbelievers? Those that "persecute" Muslims? Soldiers and civilians? In warfare and in acts of terrorism?

And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. ... Such is the reward of disbelievers. 2:191

But whomever it is that Allah wants you to kill, you're supposed to stop killing them if they stop doing whatever it was (fighting with you, persecuting Islam, being disbelievers?) that you were busy killing them for. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful, Confusing.

But if they desist, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. 2:192

Or maybe not. Now Allah says that you must keep fighting until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim. Then you can stop killing people.

And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. 2:193a

Well, not quite, I guess. If there are any wrong-doers around after you've killed off all the disbelievers, persecutors and aggressors, then you'll have to kill them too.

But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers. 2:193b

Whatever nasty stuff people do to you in war, you must do to them. Rape for rape, genocide for genocide, torture for torture. Allah is with those who fight evil with evil.

The forbidden month for the forbidden month, and forbidden things in retaliation. And one who attacketh you, attack him in like manner as he attacked you. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is with those who ward off (evil). 2:194

Always remember that "warfare is ordained for you." Allah wants you to fight in wars. You probably don't want to, but Allah thinks it's good for you. And Allah knows best.

Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not. 2:216

It's you and your religion against them and theirs. They won't stop fighting until they make you a "renegade from your religion" and if they succeed in that so you die in disbelief, Allah will burn you forever in the Fire.

... persecution is worse than killing. And they will not cease from fighting against you till they have made you renegades from your religion, if they can. And whoso becometh a renegade and dieth in his disbelief: such are they whose works have fallen both in the world and the Hereafter. Such are rightful owners of the Fire: they will abide therein. 2:217

So get out there an fight in the way of Allah
(or he'll burn you forever in the Fire after you die).

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Bogging the Quran

2:218-242: Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

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Surah 2:159-189 -- Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex

The section begins in the usual way. Allah repeats his threats and curses for non-believers, as he does throughout the Quran. Believe whatever Allah revealed to Muhammad or Allah torture you forever after you die.

Lo! Those who hide the proofs and the guidance which We revealed, after We had made it clear to mankind in the Scripture: such are accursed of Allah and accursed of those who have the power to curse. 2:159

This verse is a bit different than most, though. Allah will curse those who "hide the proofs and the guidance" that he revealed. But how can you hide things that don't exist? There are no proofs anywhere in the Quran and whatever guidance is there is almost always bad.

But it gives me an idea, though. Maybe instead of a "Burn the Quran Day" we should have a "Hide the Quran Day." Put it where the sun doesn't shine.

In any case, since I do my best to expose the Quran for the vicious bullshit that it is, I suppose verse 159 would apply to me. But verses 161-2 apply to everyone who disbelieves in the Quran, for whatever reason. They are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined.

So every good Muslim man must join Allah and the angels in cursing nonbelievers.

Lo! Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined. They ever dwell therein. The doom will not be lightened for them, neither will they be reprieved. 2:161-2

Whoever hides the Quran will get fire in his belly. (So that's where I got the fire in my belly!) And after they die they will get that painful doom that Allah is always promising in the Quran. "How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire!"

Lo! those who hide aught of the Scripture which Allah hath revealed and purchase a small gain therewith, they eat into their bellies nothing else than fire. ... Theirs will be a painful doom. Those are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, and torment at the price of pardon. How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire! 2:174-5

Yeah, that's right Allah. We unbelievers are just begging to have our skins burned off repeatedly after we die. It's about all we ever think about.

After Allah curses and threatens the unbelievers, he calls them names, like deaf, dumb, blind, and senseless.

The likeness of those who disbelieve (in relation to the messenger) is as the likeness of one who calleth unto that which heareth naught except a shout and cry. Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.2:171

Then Allah gets tired of cursing, threatening, and name-calling, and he gets down to some more practical matters. Don't eat carrion, blood, pork, or animals that have been sacrificed to other gods.

He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. 2:173

And then he says something nice for a change.

Giveth wealth ... to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free ... and payeth the poor-due. 2:177

"Set the slaves free." Does this mean that slavery is forbidden in the Quran? Don't ask me, I'm just one of those deaf, dumb, blind, senseless, and cursed unbelievers.

But I guess not. The next verse answers the question.

O ye who believe! Retaliation is prescribed for you in the matter of the murdered; the freeman for the freeman, and the slave for the slave, and the female for the female. ... He who transgresseth after this will have a painful doom. 2:178

If someone murders your slave, then you get to kill one of his. If it was a male that was killed, you kill one of the killer's male slaves. If a female, you kill a female. Murder for murder. Slave for slave. It all works out swell with Allah's wondrous rules. (Oh, and if you don't follow them, you'll have the usual painful doom.)

And there is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)

And there is life for you in retaliation, O men of understanding, that ye may ward off (evil). 2:179

The Republicans should like the next verse, though. It forbids what Tea Baggers they like to call the "death tax." So when rich Muslims die, they must leave all of their wealth to their families.

It is prescribed for you, when death approacheth one of you, if he leave wealth, that he bequeath unto parents and near relatives in kindness. (This is) a duty for all those who ward off (evil). 2:180

The section ends with rules for fasting and Ramadan, which are too boring to go through. But all Muslims must follow them "to ward off evil."

The good news is that it's OK to have sex with your wives during Ramadan (at least after sunset). In fact you must "hold intercourse with them." All of them. It is your sacred Muslim duty.

It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. ... So hold intercourse with them. 2:87

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Bogging the Quran

2: 190-217 -- Allah's rules for holy warfare

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Blogging the Quran

1: The Opening

The Lord of the Worlds

2: The Cow

1-13: Allah is wise, mysterious, funny

14-24: Produce a surah the like thereof

25-34: Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever

35-74: Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow

75-105: Little is that which they believe

106-138: Abrogation, proof, and Allah's coloring book

139-158: Changing holy directions (qiblah)

159-189: Hiding the Quran, cursing unbelievers, eating pork, retaliating, the death tax, and Ramadan sex

190-217: Allah's rules for holy warfare

2:218-242 Allah's guide to alcohol, gambling, menstruation, sex, and divorce

2:243-286 Zombie soldiers, Rip Van Winkle, bird talk, and other silly stories

3: The Family Of 'Imran

3:1-200 -- Allah is the best of schemers

4: The Women

4:1-34 Woe to the Women

4:35-80 Fresh skins for Allah's fire

4:81-135 Ponder on the Quran

4:136-176 -- Jesus wasn't really crucified,
it just looked that way