19 May 2008

Real men pee standing up

Have you ever wondered why the God of the Bible likes the phrase "piss against the wall" so much? I know I have.

Well wonder no more, because Pastor Steven L Anderson explains it all for you.

Here are some of the good pastor's words in the sermon.

And God says, "A man is someone who pisses against a wall." ... And you say, "Ah, you're being vile." I'm not being vile. God's the one who wrote the Bible.
We got pastors that pee sitting down. We got the president of the United States who probably pees sitting down. ... The editors of the NIV pee sitting down. The editors of the New King James all pee sitting down. I'm gonna tell you something. I will never pee sitting down.

So there you have it. According to the Bible, real men pee standing up.

And in case you want to mark them in your Bible, here are the six verses where God uses the phrase "piss against the wall."

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22
...surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.1 Samuel 25:34
Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall... 1 Kings 14:10
... he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends.1 Kings 16:11
Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall....1 Kings 21:21
For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall,.... 2 Kings 9:8

18 May 2008

A sermon for Hillary

Poor Hillary had to sit through a long sermon on adultery this morning. The text was from Matthew 5 verses 27-30.

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:27-30

I'm sure the sermon was embarrassing for her, for obvious reasons, but that isn't what I want to discuss here. I am more interested in the biblical text itself.

Notice that Jesus says that anyone who looks at a woman with lust has committed adultery, and that it would be better for such a person to pluck out his eye (or cut off his hand if that is somehow involved) to avoid sinning. Because if you pluck out your eye (well you'd probably have to pluck them both out), then you can't commit adultery by looking at a woman. And since Jesus believes that all adulterers go to hell (including those who are "just looking"), wise men will pluck out their eyes. Can't argue with that.

Jesus' reasoning seems pretty clear here. 1) Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery. 2) All adulterers go to hell (which is a really nasty place -- much more unpleasant than plucking out eyes or cutting off hands). 3) Those who pluck their eyes out will never commit adultery by looking at women. Therefore, all men (at least those who might someday look lustfully at a woman) should pluck out their eyes (and maybe cut off their hands just for good measure).

But that's not what really bothers me. It's what Jesus said a few verses before.

Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Matthew 5:17-18

Not one jot or tittle, eh Jesus? Then this law must still apply:

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

So guys, Jesus gives you a choice. Either pluck out your eyes (and maybe cut off you hands) and thereby avoid committing adultery by looking or keep your eyes and hands, commit the inevitable adultery by looking at a woman, be executed for it, and then burn forever in hell. It's up to you.

Fair enough. But what about the woman with whom the man commits "just looking" adultery? Is she guilty of adultery too? Must we execute her also in accordance with Leviticus 10:20? And after we kill her, will she go to hell with the guy who was caught looking at her?

I'm just asking.

13 May 2008

Einstein on the Bible

What did Albert Einstein think about the Bible? Well, here's what he said a year before he died.
The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.

11 May 2008

Mothers are dirty and sinful (according to the Bible anyway)

I know it's an awful thing to say on Mother's Day, and I certainly don't believe it myself. (Honest Mom!) But the God of the Bible does. There's a whole chapter about it in Leviticus. Here's what it says.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, ... If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days. ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days. ... But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days. Leviticus 12:1-5

So the proud, new mother of a baby boy is unclean for a week and must purify herself for 33 days after her son is born. And if the baby is a girl, the mother is twice as dirty; she is unclean for two weeks and must be purified for 66 days after giving birth. (The take-home message here is that, to God, girls are twice as dirty as boys.)

But a new mother is not only dirty to the biblical God; she is sinful, as well. So sinful, in fact, that she must sacrifice a lamb as a burnt offering and a dove as a sin offering (or two doves if she can't find a lamb to kill).

And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering. ... And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering. Leviticus 12:6-8

Happy Mother's Day (to all you dirty, sinful mothers out there)!

08 May 2008

Top 50 Bible Stories for kids

Cliff Richard (whoever he is) has come up with his top fifty Bible stories for kids. So I thought I'd list mine.

Here they are (in biblical order, as in Cliff's list). Which is your favorite?

  1. "The serpent ... said unto the woman." Genesis 3:1-5

    A clever serpent talks to Eve about trees, death, and the knowledge of good and evil.

  2. "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. ... Thy husband ... shall rule over thee." Genesis 3:16

    God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to men.

  3. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." Genesis 6:2-4

    Angels had sex with women producing giant offspring.

  4. "All flesh died that moved upon the earth." Genesis 7:21-23

    God drowned everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all.

  5. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." Genesis 9:20-25

    Noah gets drunk and curses his grandson (and all his descendants) because his son saw him naked.

  6. "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." Genesis 19:1-8

    The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.

  7. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." Genesis 19:30-38

    Lot gets drunk and impregnates his virgin daughters.

  8. "And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." Genesis 22:2-13

    Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God.

  9. "When he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Genesis 38:8-10

    God killed Onan for ejaculating outside of a vagina.

  10. "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:13-18

    Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law and then orders her to be burned to death.

  11. "The LORD met him, and sought to kill him." Exodus 4:24

    God tries to kill Moses. (It had something to do with foreskins.)

  12. "The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt." Exodus 12:29-30

    God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. "There was not a house where there was not one dead."

  13. "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and ... slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." Exodus 32:27-28

    God forces the people to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.

  14. "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts." Exodus 33:20-23

    God shows Moses his backparts.

  15. "The sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD... And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD... And Aaron held his peace." Leviticus 10:1-3

    Aaron watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.

  16. "Bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones." Leviticus 24:10-23

    Moses orders the people to stone to death a man who cursed. "And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses."

  17. "When the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them." Numbers 11:1

    God burned people alive for complaining.

  18. "And while the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:4-33

    God sent a great plague on the people for complaining about the food.

  19. "And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses... And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them... and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow." Numbers 12:1-10

    For criticizing Moses, God gave Miriam leprosy.

  20. "A man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day." Numbers 15:32-36

    God commands the people to stone to death a man who gathered sticks on the Sabbath.

  21. "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up." Numbers 16:20-35

    Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, his companions, "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."

  22. "All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD." Numbers 16:41-49

    After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 incense burners, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sent a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700."

  23. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Numbers 21:6

    For complaining (again) about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.

  24. "And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam..." Numbers 22:23-30

    Balaam and his donkey have a nice little chat. Apparently, they do this often, since Balaam isn't the least bit surprised when his donkey starts talking to him.

  25. "Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." Numbers 25:1-13

    While God is talking to Moses about hanging up dead bodies, one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees the happy couple, he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died.

  26. "Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:1-54

    Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they let some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."

  27. "I have a message from God unto thee." Judges 3:15-22

    Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab: a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out."

  28. "Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground." Judges 4:17-23

    Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.

  29. "As a dog lappeth" Judges 7:4-7

    God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight in Gideon's Holy War.

  30. "At the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." Judges 11:29-39

    Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God.

  31. "Samson went and caught three hundred foxes." Judges 15:4-5

    Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.

  32. "The Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him... And he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and slew a thousand men therewith." Judges 15:14-15

    When the spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson, he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.

  33. "Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you." Judges 19:22-30

    After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces and sends a piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.

  34. "And they had emerods in their secret parts." 1 Samuel 5:6-12

    God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts."

  35. "Because they had looked into the ark of the LORD" 1 Samuel 6:19

    God kills 50,070 for looking into the ark.

  36. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." 1 Samuel 11:6-7

    People do the strangest things when the Spirit of God comes upon them.

  37. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 1 Samuel 15:2-3

    God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago.

  38. "And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." 1 Samuel 18:25-27

    David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.

  39. "The child also that is born unto thee shall surely die." 2 Samuel 12:13-18

    To punish David for having Uriah killed and causing others to blaspheme, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.

  40. "So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men." 2 Samuel 24:1-15

    Because of David's census (which God inspired), Go killed 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).

  41. "And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." 1 Kings 1:1-4

    Poor old king David could get no heat. So they searched throughout the kingdom for a beautiful virgin. They found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but he still couldn't get any heat.

  42. "If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty." 2 Kings 1:9-12

    Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He did the job in two shifts of 51 men each.

  43. "And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape... and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there." 1 Kings 18:22-40

    Elijah killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest.

  44. "Go up thou bald head." 2 Kings 2:23-24

    God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head.

  45. "The whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters." Matthew 8:28-34

    The devils ask Jesus to cast them into a herd of pigs. He does, and the poor pigs run off into the sea and drown.

  46. "For the time of figs was not yet." Mark 11:13

    Jesus curses a fig tree for not having fruit (even though it was not the right season for figs).

  47. "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:11-27

    Jesus explains in a parable that those who refuse to submit to him will be killed before him.

  48. "Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost." Acts 5:1-10

    Peter scares Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land.

  49. "The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind." Acts 13:8-11

    Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.

  50. "The angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23

    The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory."