29 December 2013

114 Bible-based New Year's Resolutions for 2014

The Christian Post has an article suggesting 10 Bible-based New Year's resolutions for 2014. And I think that's a wonderful idea. So wonderful, in fact, that I thought I'd try to help them out with that. Here is a list of 114 ways to apply the Bible to your daily life in 2014.
  1. Get drunk and naked. If your kids happen to see you in that condition, curse their children (your grandchildren) and all of their descendants with slavery.
    Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent ... And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father ... Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25
  2. Offer your virgin daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.
    I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8
  3. Get drunk and impregnate your virgin daughters.
    Lot went up ... and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters. And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth: Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. Genesis 19:30-37
  4. Have sex with someone by mistake.
    And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her. And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife that I may go in unto her ... And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her ... And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah. Genesis 29:20-25
  5. Buy sex with mandrakes.
    And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes. And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night. Genesis 30:15-16
  6. Have sex with your father's concubine.
    Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine. Genesis 35:22
  7. Have sex with your dead brother's wife. (But be sure not to spill it on the ground.)
    And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife ... And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground ... And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. Genesis 38:7-10
  8. Have sex with your dead son's wife. (And then threaten to burn her to death.)
    And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. And she put her widow's garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife. When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face. And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me? ... And he gave it her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him. ... And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt. Genesis 38:13-24
  9. Burn to death any whore-like daughters of priests.
    And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9
  10. Eat the flesh of your sons and daughters.
    Ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29
    And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53
  11. Drink dead people's blood.
    Rise up as a great lion ... and drink the blood of the slain. Numbers 23:24
  12. Hang all the heads of the people up before the Lord.
    Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away. Numbers 25:4
  13. Thrust a spear through the bellies of an inter-faith couple while they're having sex. (It will stop God from killing people.)
    Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-9
  14. Kill all the males and non-virgin females, but keep the women children alive for yourselves.
    Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:17-18
  15. Kill your entire family if they believe the wrong things.
    If thy brother ... or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... Thou shalt not consent unto him ... neither shall thine eye pity him ... But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-13
  16. Have a conversation with your donkey.
    And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass... Numbers 22:28-30
  17. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart.
    Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart. Deuteronomy 10:16
  18. Rend your clothes. (Then fall on your face and put dust on your head.)
    And Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads. Joshua 7:6
  19. Put your feet on the necks of kings. (Before killing them.)
    Joshua called for all the men of Israel, and said unto the captains of the men of war which went with him, Come near, put your feet upon the necks of these kings. And they came near, and put their feet upon the necks of them. And Joshua said unto them, Fear not, nor be dismayed, be strong and of good courage: for thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies against whom ye fight. Joshua 10:24-25
  20. Hang some dead bodies on trees until evening.
    And afterward Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees: and they were hanging upon the trees until the evening. Joshua 10:26
  21. Deliver a message from God. (A knife blade thrust into a fat man's belly.)
    And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab and Eglon was a very fat man. ... And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. Judges 3:17-22
  22. Kill 600 Philistines with an ox goad.
    Shamgar ... slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad. Judges 3:31
  23. Pound a tent stake through a sleeping man's head.
    Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. Judges 4:21
  24. Put God to the test.
    Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. Judges 6:36-40
  25. Offer your virgin daughter as a burnt sacrifice to God.
    The Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he ... vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt ... deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then ... whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return ... shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering ... The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter ... His daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances ... Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. Judges 11:29-39
  26. Take the shibboleth test.
    Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. Judges 12:6
  27. Kill 30 men for their clothes.
    And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ... and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle.Judges 14:19
  28. Get 300 foxes, tie their tails together, and light them on fire.
    Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go Judges 15:4-8
  29. Kill 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
    The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him ... And he found a new jawbone of an ass and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15
  30. Kill 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack.
    Now the house was full of ... about three thousand men and women ... And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God .. strengthen me ... that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes ... and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life. Judges 16:27-30
  31. Send a concubine body part message.
    And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel. Judges 19:29
  32. Kill everyone in town except the virgin females. (Then give the virgins to the men that survived your previous genocide.)
    What one is there of the tribes of Israel that came not up to Mizpeh to the LORD? And, behold, there came none to the camp from Jabeshgilead ... Destroy every male, and every woman that hath lain by man ... They found among the inhabitants of Jabeshgilead four hundred young virgins ... and they gave them [the Benjamites] wives. Judges 21:8-14
  33. Steal 200 dancing virgins.
    Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin? ... We may not give them wives of our daughters: for the children of Israel have sworn, saying, Cursed be he that giveth a wife to Benjamin ... If the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh ... And the children of Benjamin did so, and took them wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught. Judges 21:16-23
  34. Ask God to smite your enemies with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
    The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9
  35. Offer God five golden hemorrhoids (to get him to stop putting hemorrhoids in your secret parts).
    What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice. 1 Samuel 6:4-5
  36. Chop up an ox and send the body parts as messages.
    And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel. 1 Samuel 11:6-7
  37. Buy a wife with 200 foreskins.
    And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines ... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well ... Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:25-27
  38. Get naked and prophesy.
    And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied ... and lay down naked all that day and all that night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:24
  39. Sneak in the bathroom and cut off a man's shirt while he's peeing. (Without getting noticed.)
    Saul went in to cover his feet ... Then David arose, and cut off the skirt of Saul's robe privily. 1 Samuel 24:3-4
  40. Have a witch bring a dead person back to life.
    Divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up ... ... hen said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel ... An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it was Samuel ... And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? 1 Samuel 28:8-15
  41. Dance naked in front of God and everybody.
    And David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod ... Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20
  42. Have public sex with your father's concubines.
    Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house ... So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel. 2 Samuel 16:21-22
  43. Take a God (or Satan)-inspired census. (And don't complain when God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish you for it.)
    And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah.
    Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:1-15
  44. Find a hot young virgin to get you some heat.
    Now king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. Wherefore his servants said unto him, Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat. So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him. 1 Kings 1:1-4
  45. Ask your son to murder some of your enemies for you.
    Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying ... Thou knowest ... what Joab ... did to me ... let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace ... Shimei ... cursed me with a grievous curse ... Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:1-9
  46. Invite a prophet to dinner. Tell him God wants him to come. Then after he eats dinner with you, God will send a lion to kill him.
    Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And went after the man of God, and found him ... Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread ... So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water ... And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that ... a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 1 Kings 13:11-24
  47. Cut off anyone that pisses against a wall.
    (This is one of my wife's resolutions for 2011.)
    Behold, I will ... cut off ... him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14:10
  48. Have an old-fashioned prayer contest. (And kill all the losers.)
    Elijah came unto all the people, and said, How long halt ye between two opinions? if the LORD be God, follow him: but if Baal, then follow him ... Then said Elijah unto the people, I, even I only, remain a prophet of the LORD; but Baal's prophets are four hundred and fifty men ... Give us two bullocks; and let them choose one bullock for themselves, and cut it in pieces, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under: and I will dress the other bullock, and lay it on wood, and put no fire under. And call ye on the name of your gods, and I will call on the name of the LORD: and the God that answereth by fire, let him be God ... And they took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made. And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked. And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them ... And Elijah ... built an altar ... And he said ... Hear me, O LORD, hear me, that this people may know that thou art the LORD ... Then the fire of the LORD fell, and consumed the burnt sacrifice, and the wood, and the stones, and the dust, and licked up the water that was in the trench. And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces: and they said, The LORD, he is the God; the LORD, he is the God. And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape. And they took them: and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there. 1 Kings 18:19-40
  49. Gird up your loins.
    And the hand of the LORD was on Elijah; and he girded up his loins. 1 Kings 18:46
  50. Ask your neighbor to smite you. If he refuses, God will send a lion to eat him.
    A certain man of the sons of the prophets said unto his neighbour in the word of the LORD, Smite me, I pray thee. And the man refused to smite him. Then said he unto him, Because thou hast not obeyed the voice of the LORD, behold, as soon as thou art departed from me, a lion shall slay thee. And as soon as he was departed from him, a lion found him, and slew him. 1 Kings 20:35-36
  51. Prove you're a man of God by burning people to death.
    Elijah answered and said to the captain of fifty, If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty. And there came down fire from heaven, and consumed him and his fifty. 2 Kings 1:10
  52. Curse any little children that make fun of you for whatever reason. (God will send bears to rip them to pieces.)
    As he [Elisha] was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24
  53. Give someone leprosy (along with all of his or her descendants forever).
    And he [Elisha] said unto him ... Leprosy ... shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow. 2 Kings 5:26-27
  54. Make someone blind.
    Elisha prayed unto the LORD, and said, Smite this people, I pray thee, with blindness. And he smote them with blindness according to the word of Elisha.2 Kings 6:18
    And now, behold, the hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind, not seeing the sun for a season. And immediately there fell on him a mist and a darkness; and he went about seeking some to lead him by the hand. Acts 13:11
  55. Ask for 70 sons to be killed, with their heads delivered in two baskets.
    He [Jehu] wrote a letter the second time to them, saying ... take ye the heads of the men your master's sons, and come to me to Jezreel by to morrow this time ... They took the king's sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets ... They have brought the heads of the king's sons. And he said, Lay ye them in two heaps at the entering in of the gate until the morning. 2 Kings 10:6-10
  56. Show your zeal for the Lord by murdering the family of a former king.
    Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. 2 Kings 10:16-17
  57. Ask God to send lions to eat people that don't fear him enough.
    They feared not the LORD: thereforethe LORD sent lions among them, which slew some of them. 2 Kings 17:25-26 
  58. Wax mighty by marrying 14 wives.Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives. 2 Chronicles 13:21
  59. Kill anyone who refuses to seek the Lord, whether man or woman, young or old.
    Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman ... and the LORD gave them rest round about. 2 Chronicles 15:13-15
  60. Ask God to make someone's bowels fall out.
    The LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. And ... after the end of two years, his bowels fell. 2 Chronicles 21:18-19
  61. Throw 10,000 people off a cliff.
    Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD. ... Ten thousand ... [he] brought ... unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 2 Chronicles 24:1-12
  62. If you hear about any mingling of holy seed, pluck off your hair and beard, and sit down astonished. Or curse them and pluck off their hair. Your choice.
    For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands ... And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonished. Ezra 9:2-3
    And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves. Nehemiah 13:225
  63. Abandon any strange wives or children that you may have.
    We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them ... Ezra the priest stood up, and said unto them, Ye have transgressed, and have taken strange wives ... Now therefore ... separate yourselves ... from the strange wives ... Then all the congregation answered and said with a loud voice, As thou hast said, so must we do. Ezra 10:2-3, 10-12
  64. Wash your feet in the blood of the wicked.
    The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10
  65. Hate God-haters with a perfect hatred.
    Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? ... I hate them with perfect hatred. Psalm 139:21-22
  66. Pray that God will burn people to death.
    Let burning coals fall upon them: let them be cast into the fire; into deep pits, that they rise not up again. Psalm 140:102
  67. Beat the hell out of your children.
    He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. Proverbs 13:24
    Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Proverbs 19:18
    Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
    Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell. Proverbs 23:13-14
  68. Cast your bread upon the waters.
    Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. Ecclesiastes 11:1
  69. Make your bowels sound like a harp.
    My bowels shall sound like an harp. Isaiah 16:11
  70. Walk around naked and barefoot all year as a sign and a wonder.
    At the same time spake the LORD by Isaiah ... saying, Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder.Isaiah 20:2-3
  71. Suck the breasts of kings.
    Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings. Isaiah 60:16
  72. See God's loins (the glory of the Lord) and fall on your face.
    And I saw ... the appearance of his loins.... This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell upon my face. Ezekiel 1:27-28
  73. Fill your bowels with a roll.
    And he said unto me, Son of man, cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee. Then did I eat it; and it was in my mouth as honey for sweetness.Ezekiel 3:3
  74. Lie on your left side for 390 days and then on your right for 40 days.
    Lie thou also upon thy left side ... for ... three hundred and ninety days ... And when thou hast accomplished them, lie again on thy right side ... forty days. Ezekiel 4:4-6
  75. Bake some Ezekiel 4:12 bread.
    (It has a secret ingredient left out of Ezekiel 4:9 bread!)
    Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof ... And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man. Ezekiel 4:9-12
  76. Shave your head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind.
    And thou, son of man, take thee a sharp knife, take thee a barber's razor, and cause it to pass upon thine head and upon thy beard: then take thee balances to weigh, and divide the hair. Thou shalt burn with fire a third part in the midst of the city, when the days of the siege are fulfilled: and thou shalt take a third part, and smite about it with a knife: and a third part thou shalt scatter in the wind; and I will draw out a sword after them. Ezekiel 5:1-2
  77. Pluck off your own breasts.
    Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34
  78. Get drunk and uncover your foreskin.
    Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered. Habakkuk 2:16
  79. Spread dung on people's faces.
    Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3
  80. Pluck out an eye, cut off a hand, foot, or other body part.
    Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out ... And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:28-30
    If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire. Matthew 18:8-9
    And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off ... And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off ... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. Mark 9:43-48
  81. Tell devils and unclean spirits what to do.
    He gave them power against unclean spirits. Matthew 10:1
    Then he called his twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils. Luke 9:1
  82. Cast out devils, speak in tongues, handle snakes, drink poison, do some faith-healing.
    Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying ... cast out devils. Matthew 10:5-8
    And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. Mark 16:17-18
  83. Join the Tea Party. (Steal from the poor to give to the rich.)
    Whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12, Mark 4:25
    Unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. Matthew 25:29
  84. Cast a mountain or sycamore tree into the sea.
    Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20
    That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith. Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Mark 11:23-24
    If ye have faith, and doubt not ... if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:21-22
    If ye had faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye might say unto this sycamine tree, Be thou plucked up by the root, and be thou planted in the sea; and it should obey you. Luke 17:6
  85. Become a eunuch for heaven's sake.
    There are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. Matthew 19:12
  86. Abandon your wife and family for Jesus.
    Every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:29
  87. Curse a fig tree.
    When he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. Matthew 21:19
    And seeing a fig tree afar off having leaves, he came, if haply he might find any thing thereon: and when he came to it, he found nothing but leaves; for the time of figs was not yet. And Jesus answered and said unto it, No man eat fruit of thee hereafter for ever. Mark 11:13-14
  88. Stick your fingers in people's ears, spit in their eyes, and touch their tongues.
    And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue. Mark 7:33
    He took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands upon him, he asked him if he saw ought. Mark 8:23
    He spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay. John 9:6
  89. Do some impossible things.
    All things are possible to him that believeth. Mark 9:23
  90. Walk on snakes and scorpions.
    Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you. Luke 10:19
  91. Hate your family.
    If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
  92. Make water flow out of your belly.
    He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. John 7:38
  93. Hate your life.
    He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. John 12:25
  94. Eat Jesus' flesh and drink his blood.
    Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life ... For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed. He that eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, dwelleth in me, and I in him ... He that eateth me, even he shall live by me. John 6:53-57
  95. Kill anyone that doesn't obey Jesus.
    For Moses truly said unto the fathers, A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people. Acts 3:22-23
  96. Give all your possessions to the church. (Or God will kill you.)
    Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost ... And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost. Acts 5:1-10
  97. Kill some animals and eat them.
    He [Peter] fell into a trance, And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending upon him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth: Wherein were all manner of fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And there came a voice to him, Rise, Peter; kill, and eat. Acts 10:10-13
    In a trance I [Peter] saw a vision, A certain vessel descend, as it had been a great sheet, let down from heaven by four corners; and it came even to me: Upon the which when I had fastened mine eyes, I considered, and saw fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air. And I heard a voice saying unto me, Arise, Peter; slay and eat. Acts 11:5-7
  98. Believe in magic handkerchiefs.
    So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. Acts 19:12
  99. Burn some books.
    Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. Acts 19:19
  100. Obey Obama. (Or go to hell.)
    There is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation. Romans 13:1-2
  101. Eat everything, especially meat.
    (Don't be a wimpy latter-day vegetarian.)
    For one believeth that he may eat all things: another, who is weak, eateth herbs. Romans 14:2
    Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils ... commanding to abstain from meats. 1 Timothy 4:1-3
  102. Be persuaded in your own mind.
    Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. Romans 14:5
  103. Shun those that believe differently than you.
    Mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them. Romans 16:17-18
  104. Try to know nothing (except for Jesus).
    I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2
  105. If you're single, don't get married.
    Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:7
  106. If you're married, don't have sex.
    (Jesus is coming; there's no time for it.)
    The time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:7
  107. Shave the head of any women that you catch praying with an uncovered head.
    Every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head: for that is even all one as if she were shaven. For if the woman be not covered, let her also be shorn. 1 Corinthians 11:5-6
  108. If you're ignorant, stay ignorant.
    If any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant. 1 Corinthians 14:38
  109. Smell good to God.
    We are unto God a sweet savour. 2 Corinthians 2:15
  110. Don't look where you're going.
    Walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
  111. Greet everyone with a holy kiss.
    Greet one another with an holy kiss. 2 Corinthians 13:12
  112. Don't exercise.
    Bodily exercise profiteth little. 1 Timothy 4:8
  113. Stop drinking water. Drink wine instead.
    Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach's sake. 1 Timothy 5:23
  114. Refresh your bowels in the Lord.
    Refresh my bowels in the Lord. Philemon 1:20
Have a Happy New Year!

27 December 2013

The Gospel According to Sarah Palin

I may have misunderstood Sarah Palin's comment in my previous post.

She wasn't confusing First Corinthians with the gospels; she was referring to this statement by Phil Robertson, the one Greta Van Susterennd asked her about:
It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus.
Here is Van Susterend's question:
Do you have any problem about the manners of how he said it. I mean, we don't talk on television much, but if you actually read the article, there's some rather graphic and offensive description of it. ... Do you have any objection on the manners aspect, how he said it?
And here is Palin's answer:
I haven't read the article. I don't know exactly how he said it. But Greta, what he was doing in response to a question about a lifestyle that he disagrees with and yet he has said over and over again he doesn't hate the person engaging in a lifestyle he disagrees with, but he, um, in response was quoting the gospel.
So when Robertson was discussing the male desirability for anuses and vaginas, he was quoting the gospel--the Gospel According to Sarah Palin.

Here's the relevant part of the interview, in case you haven't seen it yet.

26 December 2013

Sarah Palin: Phil Robertson was quoting the gospel in his GQ interview

In her recent Fox News interview about Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson, Sarah Palin admitted she hadn't actually read the GQ article (What the Duck) that got him in so much trouble and about which she was being interviewed. Her ignorance on the subject is, no doubt, what qualified her as an expert Fox News contributor.

And although she hadn't read the article, she confidently asserted that Phil Robertson "was quoting the gospel."

But Robertson didn't quote from any of the gospels in his GQ interview--which isn't surprising since there are no nasty anti-gay gospel quotes.

Here is the Bible quote that got Phil Robertson in so much trouble:
Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God.
And here is its source:
Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate,nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners,shall inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10
Sarah Palin doesn't know the gospels from First Corinthians. Which isn't too surprising. She probably hasn't read them either.

18 December 2013

The Drunk With Blood audiobook is finally available on iTunes and Audible

I'm proud to announce that the audiobook version of Drunk With Blood is now for sale!

 Audiobook on Audible.com

Audible.com link                               iTunes link

We've also put up portions of the book for free on Youtube. Here are a few link:

We'd love to hear what you think. We're planning on using the same narrator for our next book, "Strange Flesh: What the Bible Says about Homosexuality" but depending on the feedback we might go with someone else. 

10 December 2013

The LDS church finally admits it was wrong about race. (So it now rejects its own scriptures.)

The LDS church has finally confessed. It admits that it was wrong about race from the church's beginning in 1830 until 1978 when God changed his mind about black people.

Here is what the new document "Race and the Priesthood" says about it:
Today, the Church disavows the theories advanced in the past that black skin is a sign of divine disfavor or curse ... that mixed-race marriages are a sin; or that blacks or people of any other race or ethnicity are inferior in any way to anyone else.
If that is true, then the LDS church disavows the Book of Mormon, which says that God cursed people by blackening their skin, causing them to be "a dark, filthy, and loathsome people," and that any "white and delightsome" person who "mixes seed" with them will be "cursed with the same cursing."

Here are just a few passages in the Book of Mormon that the Mormon church now disavows:
After they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark, and loathsome, and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations. 1 Nephi 12:23
He had caused the cursing to come upon them ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people ... Cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. 2 Nephi 5:21-23
And the skins of the Lamanites were dark ...which was a curse upon them because of their transgression against their brethren...therefore they were cursed; and the Lord God set a mark upon them. And this was done that their seed might be distinguished from the seed of their brethren, that thereby the Lord God might preserve his people. Alma 3:6-8
This people ... shall become a dark, a filthy, and a loathsome people ... because of their unbelief and idolatry ... They were once a delightsome people ... But now, behold, they are led about by Satan. Mormon 5:15-18
In the document, the LDS church tries to blame its racist past on the early 19th century American culture from which it arose. It claims, for example, that it was commonly believed in the early 1800s "that God’s 'curse' on Cain was the mark of a dark skin." And that "[a]ccording to one view, which had been promulgated in the United States from at least the 1730s, blacks descended from the same lineage as the biblical Cain, who slew his brother Abel."

Which is true enough (except for the fact that there was no United States in the 1730s). But what the document doesn't say is that this same view is clearly expressed in its own scripture (The book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price).
And Enoch also beheld the residue of the people which were the sons of Adam; and they were a mixture of all the seed of Adam save it was the seed of Cain, for the seed of Cain were black, and had not place among them. Moses 7:22 
The document also says that "[b]lack servitude was sometimes viewed as a second curse placed upon Noah’s grandson Canaan as a result of Ham’s indiscretion toward his father."

Which is true again. But it is also true that Mormon scripture says the same thing. 
There was a blackness came upon all the children of Canaan, that they were despised among all people. Moses 7:8 
Now this king of Egypt was a descendant from the loins of Ham, and was a partaker of the blood of the Canaanites by birth. ... from Ham, sprang that race which preserved the curse in the land ... Pharaoh ... seeking earnestly to imitate that order established by the fathers in the first generations, in the days of the first patriarchal reign, even in the reign of Adam, and also of Noah, his father, who blessed him with the blessings of the earth, and with the blessings of wisdom, but cursed him as pertaining to the Priesthood. Abraham 1:21-26
 So now the LDS church is no longer just embarrassed by its scriptures, it rejects them entirely.

Now it's time for all Mormons to do likewise.

05 December 2013

Smashing little ones against stones: Putting Psalm 137:9 in context

I'm often accused of taking things out of context. And sometimes, I suppose, I'm guilty of that. But generally if I fail to adequately consider the context of a biblical text, the context makes a seemingly bad passage even worse. Psalm 137:9 is a good example.
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9
Now, at first sight this verse seems bad enough. How could parents be happy while smashing their children against stones? 

But that's not what this verse is about. It's about other "happy" people who will smash Babylonian children. The happy children smashers will be sent by God to "reward" the Babylonians for "serving" (enslaving) the Israelites during the Babylonian captivity, as is made clear by the preceding verse.
O daughter of Babylon, who art to be destroyed; happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us. Psalm 137:8
This is more easily seen in other translations. Here, for example, is this passage in the English Standard Version:
O daughter of Babylon, doomed to be destroyed, blessed shall he be who repays you with what you have done to us! Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock! Psalm 137:8-9 (ESV)
The baby smashers are not only "happy" they are "blessed" -- blessed by God for doing his dirty work for him.

Here is how Matthew Henry explains it in his "Pulpit Commentary" on Psalm 137:9:
Happy shall he be, that rewardeth thee as thou hast served us; i.e. happy shall he be that completes thy destruction, and the destruction of thy people. He will be the instrument for carrying out God's vengeance.
The happy and blessed children smashers are God's instruments for carrying out his vengeance.

Context almost always makes the Bible worse.

04 December 2013

The two wives of Yahweh: Aholah and Aholibah

There's a strange story in Ezekiel 23 about two sisters, Aholah and Aholibah. It is a story that is seldom told by Bible believers. And that's a shame, since it sheds so much light upon God's biblical plan for marriage.

Aholah and Aholibah were sisters, both of whom were married to Yahweh.
The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying, Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother: ... And the names of them were Aholah the elder, and Aholibah her sister. And they were mine, and they bare sons and daughters. Ezekiel 23:1-4
But the marriage between God and his two wives was a troubled one. The older sister, Aholah, was unfaithful to Yahweh, having sex with her Assyrian neighbors.
Aholah played the harlot when she was mine; and she doted on her lovers, on the Assyrians her neighbours, Which were clothed with blue, captains and rulers, all of them desirable young men, horsemen riding upon horses. 23:5-6
She committed whoredoms with them and defiled herself with all of their idols.
She committed her whoredoms with them, with all them that were the chosen men of Assyria, and with all on whom she doted: with all their idols she defiled herself. 23:7
The Assyrians lay with her and bruised the breasts of her virginity, pouring all their whoredom upon her.
Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt: for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her. 23:8
So Yahweh delivered her into the hands of her Assyrian lovers who discovered her nakedness, enslaved her children, and killed her with the sword.
Wherefore I have delivered her into the hand of her lovers, into the hand of the Assyrians, upon whom she doted. These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword. 23:9-10
God’s other wife, Aholibah, was even more corrupt in her whoredoms than her older sister. She also doted upon her desirable, young Assyrian neighbors.
Her sister Aholibah ... was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms. She doted upon the Assyrians her neighbours, captains and rulers clothed most gorgeously, horsemen riding upon horses, all of them desirable young men. Then I saw that she was defiled, that they took both one way. 23:11-13
When she saw the images of Babylonian men on her wall, she invited them to come visit her.
And that she increased her whoredoms: for when she saw men pourtrayed upon the wall, the images of the Chaldeans pourtrayed with vermilion … And as soon as she saw them with her eyes, she doted upon them, and sent messengers unto them into Chaldea. 23:14-16
So the Babylonians came to her on her bed of love, discovered her nakedness and defiled her with their whoredoms.
And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them, So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness. 23:17-18a
When God saw all this, his mind was alienated from her, like it was from her sister.
Then my mind was alienated from her, like as my mind was alienated from her sister. 23:18b
Aholibah multiplied her whoredoms like she did in her younger days as a harlot in Egypt.
Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. 23:19
Where she doted upon men with donkey-sized penises and ejaculate as voluminous as horses.
For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. 23:20
Which reminded God again of the lewdness of her youth, where the Egyptians fondled her youthful breasts.
Thus thou calledst to remembrance the lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth. 23:21
To punish Aholibah, God brought lovers against her “on every side.”
Therefore, O Aholibah, thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will raise up thy lovers against thee, from whom thy mind is alienated, and I will bring them against thee on every side. 23:22
And set his jealousy against her, forcing her Egyptian “lovers” to cut off her nose and ears, enslave her children, and burn everyone else to death.
And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and … they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. 23:25
He forced Ahobiah to drink from Aholah’s cup, to suck it out, and to pluck off her own breasts. 
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Thou shalt drink of thy sister's cup deep and large: Thou shalt be filled with drunkenness and sorrow ... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. 23:34
Then God killed Ahobiah (as he did to Aholah) by stoning her to death and killing her with a sword. Then he killed her children (which are also his children) and burned their houses--to punish them for forgetting him.
Because thou hast forgotten me, and cast me behind thy back, therefore bear thou also thy lewdness and thy whoredoms. 23:35
For thus saith the Lord GOD ... stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire. 23:46-47
In this way taught women a lesson. Don't behave like God's wayward wives (Aholah and Ahobiah) or God will do likewise to you.
Thus will I cause lewdness to cease out of the land, that all women may be taught not to do after your lewdness. 23:48

Okay, so what can we learn from Yahweh's marriage to Aholah and Ahobiah?

Well, plenty, I'd say. After all it's God's own example.

Here are just a few things that come to mind:
  1. It's OK to have two wives. If it's good enough for God, it's good enough for anyone.
  2. If  either of your wives is unfaithful to you, invite everyone over to rape her in public, then cut off her nose and ears, force her to pluck off her breasts, and kill her by stoning or with a sword or (if at all possible) both.
  3. After you kill your wife (or wives) kill any of her children. (Sure some of these kids may be your own sons and daughters, but since your wife was a whore, they might be some other guy's kids. You just can't be too careful.)