David killed every male in Edom

There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

In any case, whoever did the killing, whoever and however many were killed, it’s another example of God’s glorious killings, since we know that

The LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.14

And God approved of everything David ever did (with the single exception of the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16

(A little later God will have to have them all killed again, but that’s another story.)

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.

God's next killing: Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

Bible Quiz Show

The 700 / 7000 horsemen thing in my last post reminded me of this fun NonStampCollector video.

Here are links to the contradictions mentioned in the video.

1. How long does God's anger last?

2. Does Yahweh tempt people?

3. Is salvation by faith alone?

4. Can God be seen?

5. Does Yahweh delight in burnt offerings?

6. Is God the author of evil?

7. According to Genesis, were humans created before the animals?

8. On the road to Damascus, did Paul's traveling companions hear the voice that spoke to Paul?

9. Will the earth last forever?

10. Is Jesus the only man to have ascended into heaven?

11. In Old Testament Law, were children to be punished for the sins of their fathers?

12. Does God ever get tired?

13. How many valiant men drew the sword for Israel as counted by Joab?

14. How many horsemen did David take ?

15. How much did David pay for the threshing floor?

16. How many men did the chief of David's captains kill?

17. When are two thieves one thief?

18. How many blind men did Jesus heal near Jericho?

19. How many women came to the tomb?

20. Whom did the women see at the tomb?

21. Are riches a curse or a blessing?

22. Did the temple curtain rip before or after Jesus died?

23. Who put the gorgeous purple robe on Jesus, Herod's soldiers or Pilate's soldiers?

24. Did Jesus curse the fig tree before or after driving the merchants from the temple?

25. Should homosexuals be killed or exiled?

26. Given that Quirinius became governor of Syria nine years after king Herod's death, was Jesus born during the reign of King Herod or the governorship of Quirinius?

27. When the women arrived at the tomb of Jesus, was the tomb opened or closed?

28. Did Judas die by hanging himself or by falling over in a field and having his guts fall out?

29. Is God the author of confusion?

And the crimes punishable by death in the Bible:

1. Fortune telling (Leviticus 20:27)

2. Hitting a parent (Exodus 21:15)

3. Cursing a parent (Leviticus 20:9)

4. Not listening to a priest (Deuteronomy 17:12)

5. Following another religion (Exodus 22:20)

6. Adultery (Leviticus 20:10)

7. Not seeking the Lord God of Israel (2 Chronicles 15:12-13)

8. Fornication (Leviticus 21:9)

9. Prophesying falsely (Zechariah 13:3)

10. Who has to kill a false prophet? (Zechariah 13:3)

11. Homosexuality (Leviticus 20:13)

12. Blasphemy (Leviticus 24:10-16)

13. Working on the Sabbath (Exodus 31:12-15)

14. Having a few people in your town worshiping another god (Deuteronomy 13:13-16)

The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

As I mentioned in the last killing, God approved all of David’s killings (except for the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

He even helped out with most of them. Still, some of the ones from 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m going to lump them together here.

2 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.

It came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1

Then David smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, "taking" 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story told in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since text doesn't say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I’n not counting them in God's killings.]

David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a

David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4

David hamstrung ("houghed" in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.

David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b

Then he killed 22,000 Syrians. “And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” (NIV)

When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. … And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.5-6

And another 47,000 Syrians (or was it 40,700?).

The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10.18

But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19.8

So I'll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.

God's next killing: David killed every male in Edom

David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

After Saul’s death, David became king of Judah and Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel. Things didn’t go well for poor Ishbosheth, though. First his father and brothers were killed by God. Then his captain, Abner, was killed by David’s captain, Joel. And his army was always fighting a losing battle with David’s. He was about ready to call it quits.

When Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1

After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.

Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 4.2

One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.

Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 4.5

They pretended to be picking up some wheat, but they really stopped by to kill him. And they “smote him under the fifth rib” (the preferred place to smite someone in the Bible).

They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 4.6

After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.

When they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 4.7-8

They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.

David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul, even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.

When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 4.10-11

So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.

David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 4.12

Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!

(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)

God's next killing: God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

Abraham's war to rescue Lot

Here's one that I forgot to add to God's list.

It's about two of God's favorite people: Abraham and Lot.

God gave Abraham (God called him "Abram" back then) pretty much everything on earth, as far as he could see.

The LORD said unto Abram … Lift up now thine eyes, and look from the place where thou art northward, and southward, and eastward, and westward … All the land which thou seest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed for ever. Genesis 13:14-15

Lot had lots of stuff, too – too much stuff, in fact, to keep it all separate from Abraham’s.

Lot … had flocks, and herds, and tents. And the land was not able to bear them, that they might dwell together: for their substance was great, so that they could not dwell together. Genesis 13:5-6

So Lot decided to move to Sodom.

Abram dwelled in the land of Canaan, and Lot dwelled in … Sodom. Genesis 13:12

Soon after Lot got settled in Sodom, a war broke out between the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah and some of the other local kingdoms. The Sodomites were defeated and Lot was taken prisoner.

They took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed. Genesis 14:12

That’s when Abraham got involved. He and 318 of his slaves took off after the anti-Sodomites.

And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained servants, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued them unto Dan. Genesis 14:14

And they “smote” the heck out of them, chasing them all the way to Damascus.

He and his servants … smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which is on the left hand of Damascus. Genesis 14:15

Abraham brought back Lot, the women, and the Sodomite stuff.

And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people. Genesis 14:16

When Abraham returned “from the slaughter,” the king of Sodom went out to greet him, along with Melchizedek, “the priest of the most high God,” who brought some bread and wine.

The king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter … And Melchizedek … brought forth bread and wine: and he was the priest of the most high God. Genesis 14:17-18

(Melchizedek, by the way, had no father or mother, no beginning or end, just like the Son of God.)

Without father, without mother, without descent, having neither beginning of days, nor end of life; but made like unto the Son of God. Hebrews 7:3

And Melchizedek thanked God for helping Abraham slaughter the anti-Sodomites.

Blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. Genesis 14:20a

Then Abraham gave Melchizedek a tenth of all the stuff he got in the slaughter.

And he gave him tithes of all. Genesis 14:20b

A nice fee for such a puny prayer.
(I gave this the usual 1000 for a regular God-assisted slaughter.)

---

God's next killing: Sodom and Gomorrah

David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

How should we treat prisoners of war? Fortunately, as with so many difficult questions, the Bible has the answer!

Bible believers don't need to worry about the Geneva Convention. God tells them directly what to do with their POWs in the Bible. All they have to do is follow David's example.

David ... smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David's servants, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:1-2

When it comes to POWS, we know what is right in the eyes of the Lord: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest.*

That is the Bible's infallible answer.

(My estimate of 667 is two thirds of the standard Biblical slaughter.)

* How do we know this is right in the eyes of the Lord? Because the Bible tells us so.

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

God's next killing The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

The Bible verse that dare not speak its name

Chris Trumbull of Casper, Wyoming has painted a sign on his fence with a verse from the Bible. Here's what it looks like.

This is a verse that believer's never quote -- not even Fred Phelps, Steven Anderson, or Doug Wilson. It's as though it had been removed from the Bible. But it hasn't.

Here is what it says:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

Mr. Trumbull's interpretation is a bit weak, though. Leviticus 20:13 doesn't say: "To be gay = death." It says, "Kill homosexuals."

And not even Chris Trumbull is willing to say that.

It's time for believers to remove the verse that they cannot say out loud -- or just throw the whole damn Bible away.

What the Bible says about the Tea Party Movement

The Lord knoweth how to ... reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished: But chiefly them that ... despise government.

These ... speak evil of the things that they understand not.

They ... count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings.

Beguiling unstable souls ... cursed children. 2 Peter 2:9-14

But then, some people interpret this passage differently.

The Morality of David: How to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord

If believers want to know what God thinks is right, they should look at the life of David. He is the gold standard of biblical morality.

How do we know that that? Because it says so in the Bible.

Everything David did "was right in the eyes of the Lord," except for one thing: "the matter of Uriah."

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

So as long as we stay away from the Uriah affair, we can be absolutely certain that we are doing right in the eyes of the Lord whenever we follow David.

And since there are so many stories about David in the Bible, we can derive an infallible, Bible-based morality from them. That is what God wants us to do. That's why he put those stories in the Bible.

So let's get started.

Here are some of the things that we know are "right in the eyes of the Lord."

1. It's OK to kill people.

   As long as your killing is similar to one of David's, you can be sure that it's perfectly moral and that God will bless it.

   But before you start, check the context of David's killings to make sure that yours is OK with God.

   Here is a list of 22 killings that David either performed himself or had other people do for him. God approved of every one of them. He even helped out on many. It should be easy to find one to serve as a model for the killing that you have in mind.

   David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19
   David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
   David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8
   The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines	1Sam 23:2-5
   David committed genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11
   David spends the day killing Amalekites	1Sam 30:17
   David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15
   David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their dead bodies over the pool	2Sam 4.12
   God helps David smite Philistines from the front and the rear	2Sam 5:19-25
   David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2
   David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5
   David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12
   David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18
   David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1
   David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7
   Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8
   Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14
   Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12
   Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18
   Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23
   Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34
   Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46

2. It's OK to decapitate people after you kill them. (1 Samuel 17.51)

3. You can kill Philistines and Amalekites pretty much whenever you see them. Still, it's a good idea to ask God first. (1Sam 18.27, 19.8, 23:2-5, 30:17; 2Sam 5:19-25, 23.9-10, 23.12)

4. Moabites, Syrians, Edomites, Ammonites, and Egyptians are generally OK to kill, too. But some restrictions may apply. See your Bible for context, just to be sure. (2Sam 8.2, 8.5, 8.13, 10.18, 11.1)

5. It's OK to kill up to 200 men for their foreskins to pay for a wife. (1Sam 18.27)

6. You can have as many wives as you like. No one knows how many David had; no one needs to know how many you have either. (It's nobody's business but God's, and he approves of that sort of thing.) (1 Samuel 18:25-27, 25:39, 25:41-44, 2 Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13, 12:7-8)

7. Genocide is OK, at least when you are doing it for the Philistines. (1 Samuel 27:8-11)

8. It's OK to lie, if it will help you out of a difficult situation. (1 Samuel 21:2-8)

9. Cut off the hands and feet of executed people and hang their dead, mutilated bodies up for everyone to see. They make nice decorations. (2 Samuel 4:12)

10. Encourage others to kill people with disabilities -- like "the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul." (2 Samuel 5:8)

11. A good rule to follow with prisoners of war is this: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest. (2 Samuel 8:2-3)

12. If your concubines have sex with your son in front of God and everybody (because God is punishing you for your adultery), just refuse to have any more sex with them and force them to "keep house" for you for the rest of their lives. (2 Samuel 20:3)

13. If God sends a famine, you might try killing the sons and grandsons of your predecessor and then hang their dead bodies up to God so that he will stop starving people to death. It worked for David. It should work for you too. (2 Samuel 21:1-9)

14. When you are old man and can't get any more heat, look around for a young virgin to "lie in your bosom" and "minister" to you so you can get your heat back. (1 Kings 1:1-4)

15. And when you are dying, be sure to ask your son to murder any enemies that you didn't get a chance to kill. No enemies left behind. That was David's rule; it should be yours, too. (1 Kings 2:1-9)

See how easy that was? It makes you feel sorry for all those atheists who have to actually think about what is right and wrong, doesn't it?

God's Top 50 Killings

Here is the list that I put together based on your ratings. Thanks for your help!

(See here for a complete list and estimated total for all of God's killings in the Bible.)

More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

1	God killed every first born Egyptian child	Ex 12:29-30
2	God sent two bears to rip apart 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head	2Kg 2:23-24
3	God killed 14,700 for complaining about his killings	Num 16:49
4	The Amalekite genocide	1Sam 15:2-3
5	God killed 70,000 because David had a census that he (or Satan) inspired him to have	2Sam 24:15, 1Chr 21:14
6	God slowly killed David's baby boy to punish David for adultery	2Sam 12:14-18
7	Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God as a burned offering (to pay him back for helping him slaughter 20 cities)	Jg 11:39
8	The Flood of Noah	Gen 7:23
9	When the people complained, God burned them to death	Num 11:1
10	Sodom and Gomorrah	Gen 19:24
11	God killed 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord	1Sam 6:19
12	God and Satan kill Job's children in a bet	Job 1:18-19
13	The opposing party is buried alive (with their families)	Num 16:27
14	Jeroboam's son: God kills another child	1Kg 14:17
15	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40
16	God killed one million Ethiopians	2Chr 14:9-14
17	The Midianite Massacre: Have you saved the women alive?	Num 31:1-35
18	Onan for spilling his seed	Gen 38:10
19	The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people	Jg 18.27
20	Who is on the Lord's side? (Family and friends are forced to kill each other because of Aaron's golden calf)	Ex 32:27-28
21	God made Jehoram's bowels fall out	2Chr 21:14-19
22	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
23	Phinehas' double murder stops God's plague (after 14,000 were killed)	Num 25:1-11
24	God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering him "strange fire"	Lev 10:1-3
25	God sent snakes to bite people for complaining	Num 21:6
26	God commands a blasphemer to be stoned to death	Lev 24:10-23
27	God burned to death 102 men for asking Elijah to come down from his hill	2Kg 1:10-12
28	Herod was eaten by worms for not giving God the glory	Acts 12:23
29	God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet	1Kg 20:35-36
30	God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts	1Sam 5:1-12
31	God sent lions to eat those that don't fear him enough	2Kg 17:25-26
32	An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers	2Kg 19:34, Is 37:36
33	250 are burned to death for burning incense	Num 16:35
34	Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death	Jos 7:10-12, 24-26
35	Ananias and Sapphira were killed by God for not giving Peter all their money	Acts 5:1-10
36	God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death	Ezek 24:15-18
37	God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling	2Sam 6:6-7, 1Chr 13:9-10
38	Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack	Jg 16:27-30
39	Ehud delivers a message from God: A knife blade into a fat man's belly	Jg 3:15-22
40	A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day	Num 15:32-35
41	Seventy heads in two heaps	2Kg 10:6-10
42	Samson murders 30 men for their clothes	Jg 14:19
43	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25
44	God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)	1Sam 25:38
45	Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass	Jg 15:14-15
46	A holy civil war (called by rotting concubine body part messages)	Jg 20:35-37
47	Jeroboam's family: God kills a family	1Kg 15:29
48	God stops the sun so Joshua can kill in the daylight	Jos 10:10-11
49	Baasha's family and friends: God kills another family	1Kg 16:11-12
50	A tale of two prophets	1Kg 13:11-24

Ahaziah (of Judah)

It's hard to keep track of Bible characters. They often have the same name, live at the same time, do pretty much the same things (are evil in the sight of the Lord), and have the same fate (God usually kills them). It will drive you nuts if you're not careful.

Take king Ahaziah, for example.

First of all, there were two of them: Ahaziah of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. They lived at about the same time (9th century BCE), were evil in the sight of the Lord, and they were both (more of less) killed by God.

I've already told you about Ahaziah of Israel. He was the guy that God killed for asking the wrong god if he would die after God burned to death 102 messengers for asking Elijah to come down from his hill so that Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to die (even though he'd already been told God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god).

But this story is not about him. It's about the other Ahaziah, king Ahaziah of Judah.

There are a couple things to keep in mind about him.

1. Ahaziah of Judah had an alias: Jehoahaz (2 Chronicles 21:17, 25:23).

2. And he is the only person in the Bible (or anywhere else as far as I know) who was older than his own father. Here's how we know that.

Ahaziah of Judah began to reign when he was 42 years old after God killed his father Jehoram (by making his bowels fall out).

Ahaziah the son of Jehoram king of Judah reigned. Forty and two years old was Ahaziah when he began to reign. 2 Chronicles 22:1-2

And his father's bowels fell out (with a little help from God) when he was 40 years old.

The LORD smote him [Jehoram] in his bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pass ... his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness ... Thirty and two years old was he when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem eight years. 2 Chronicles 21:18-20

(2 Kings 8:26 says that Ahaziah was 22 years old when he began to reign, which means that he was both 22 and 42 years old when God made his dad's bowels fall out -- and that's almost as cool as being older than your father.)

Okay, but how did Ahaziah of Judah die?

For that we have to go back to the Jehu chronicles. You remember Jehu, don't you? The guy who madly drove around in his chariot killing people for God? Yeah, well, Ahaziah was on his list.

Jehu's first victim was Ahab's son, Jehoram, the king of Israel. (God wanted him killed since his father, Ahab, didn't kill a captured king.)

But Ahaziah was with Jehoram at the time and was pursued and wounded by Jehu. Ahaziah fled to Megiddo and died there.

When Ahaziah the king of Judah saw this, he fled by the way of the garden house. And Jehu followed after him, and said, Smite him also in the chariot. And they did so ... And he fled to Megiddo, and died there. 2 Kings 9:27

Since I couldn't tell from this story whether or not Ahaziah died from the wound or later from natural causes, I left it off the list of God's killings.

But then I read the story in 2 Chronicles.

And Azariah the son of Jehoram king of Judah went down to see Jehoram the son of Ahab at Jezreel, because he was sick. And the destruction of Ahaziah was of God by coming to Joram [Jehoram]: for when he was come, he went out with Jehoram against Jehu the son of Nimshi, whom the LORD had anointed to cut off the house of Ahab. And it came to pass, that, when Jehu was executing judgment upon the house of Ahab, and found the princes of Judah, and the sons of the brethren of Ahaziah, that ministered to Ahaziah, he slew them. And he sought Ahaziah: and they caught him, (for he was hid in Samaria,) and brought him to Jehu: and when they had slain him, they buried him. 2 Chronicles 22:6-9

According to this story, Jehu killed Ahaziah while he was hiding out in Samaria. "And the destruction of Ahaziah was of God."

So I don't know who to believe. Did Ahaziah die in Meggido or in Samaria?

I'm not sure. But I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that God approved of his killing, however and wherever he might have died. For "the destruction of Ahaziah was of God."

God's next killing: Joash, the princes, and army of Judah

42,000 killed for failing the "Shibboleth" test

After Jephthah finished killing and burning his daughter for God (51) to pay God back for helping him slaughter twenty Ammonite cities (50), he ran into some Ephraimites who were angry about being left out of the Ammonite slaughter.

The men of Ephraim gathered themselves together, and went northward, and said unto Jephthah, Wherefore passedst thou over to fight against the children of Ammon, and didst not call us to go with thee? Judges 12.1a

They were so pissed off about the whole thing that they threatened to burn down Jephthah’s house.

We will burn thine house upon thee with fire. 12.1b

Jephthah claimed that he invited them to join him in the God-assisted slaughter, but they didn’t come.

Jephthah said unto them, I and my people were at great strife with the children of Ammon; and when I called you, ye delivered me not … and the LORD delivered them into my hand. 12.2-3

Clearly, there was only one thing for Jephthah to do: call for a holy civil war.

Then Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead, and fought with Ephraim. 12.4a

So that’s what he did, and the men from Gilead defeated the Ephraimites.

And the men of Gilead smote Ephraim. 12.4b

After the battle, Jephthah posted guards at the Jordan River where the fleeing Ephraimites would have to cross.

The Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites. 12.5a

When an escaping Ephraimite would come to the crossing, the Gileadites would ask him if he was an Ephraimite. If he said, “no”, they’d ask him to say “Shibboleth.” (Ephraimites couldn’t pronounce it correctly. It was like asking George Bush or Sarah Palin to say “nuclear.”)

When those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. 12.5b-6a

Then when the Ephraimite mispronounced Shibboleth by saying Sibboleth, they’d kill him.

Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan. 12.6b

And the Shibboleth test worked like a charm. 42,000 Ephraimites failed the test and were killed trying to cross the Jordan.

And there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. 12.6c

And they deserved it, too, for not participating in the slaughter of the Ammonites, threatening to burn down Jephthah's house, failing to pronounce "Shibboleth" correctly, or whatever.

(Note: Jephthah is one of the heroes of God in Hebrews 11, so we can be pretty sure that God approved of the whole "Shibboleth" test / holy civil war massacre.)

God's next killing: Samson murders 30 men for their clothes

A List of God-Approved Killings in the Bible

This is a list of the God-approved killings in the Bible. It does not include the killings that God performed himself or those in which he took an active role. (See here for a complete list of those killings.)

I've already posted about some of the killings (see links in the table), and I'll be adding more later to explain how we know that God approved of these killings. Eventually, I'll combine the lists to show all of God's killings, those that he approved of and those that he did himself.

	Killing Event	Scriptural reference	Biblical number	Estimate
1	Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad	Jg 3.31	600	600
2	42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test	Jg 12.4-7, Heb 11.32	42,000	42,000
3	The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people	Jg 18.27	-	1,000
4	The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins	Jg 21.10-14	-	10,000
5	34,000 Israelites killed so that God could kill Eli's sons	1Sam 4.2-11	34,000	34,000
6	David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19	1	1
7	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27	200	200
8	David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8	-	10,000
9	David commited genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11	-	50,000
10	David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15	1	1
11	David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung up their dead bodies	2Sam 4.12	2	2
12	David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2		667
13	David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5	22,000	22,000
14	David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12	18,000	18,000
15	David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18	47,000	47,000
16	David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1	-	1,000
17	David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7	20,000	20,000
18	Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8	800	800
19	Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14	-	1,000
20	Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12	-	1,000
21	Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18	300	300
22	Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23	3	3
23	Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34	1	1
24	Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46	1	1
25	Zimri burns to death	1Kg 16.18-19	1	1
26	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40	450	450
27	A skeptic is trampled to death	2Kg 7.2-20	1	1
28	Jehu killed Ahaziah's family	2Kg 10.12-13, 2Chr 22.7-9	42	42
29	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25	-	1,000
30	Jehoiada killed Mattan the priest of Baal	2Kg 11.17-18	1	1
31	Athaliah	2Kg 11.20	1	1
32	Amaziah slew 10,000 Edomites	2Kg 14.7, 2Chr 25.11	10,000	10,000
33	Josiah killed all the priests of the high places	2Kg 23.20	-	100
34	Jashobeam killed 300 at one time with his spear	1Chr 11.11	300	300
35	Ahaziah of Judah	2Chr 22.7-9	1	1
36	Amaziah killed the people that killed his father	2Chr 25.3	-	10
37	Amaziah killed 10,000 Edomites	2Chr 25.11	10,000	10,000
38	Amaziah pushed 10,000 men off a cliff	2Chr 25.12	10,000	10,000
39	Amaziah	2Chr 25.27	1	1
40	Uzziah's wars	2Chr 26.3-7	-	3,000
41	Jotham's war with the Ammonites	2Chr 27.1-5	-	1,000
42	Esther hangs Haman and his ten sons	Est 7.6-10	11	11
43	The Jews killed those who wanted to kill them	Est 9.9-16	75,800	75,800
Total			291,518	371,295