28 January 2012

Islam: It's mostly about going to the bathroom

You probably think that being a Muslim involves praying five times a day, eating halal food, fasting during Ramadan, and traveling to Mecca once in your lifetime. And, for many Muslims, it does. But there's a heck of lot more to it than that.

Take going to the bathroom, for instance.

Now it's true that Allah doesn't provide much bathroom guidance in the Quran, although there is this bit of helpful advice:
When ye rise up for prayer ... if ye ... cometh from the closet, or ye have had contact with women, and ye find not water, then go to clean, high ground and rub your faces and your hands with some of it. Quran 5:6
Which tells us that that kind of thing is important to Allah. He cares about your bathroom routine.

And so does Muhammad (PB&J be upon him). He was absolutely obsessed with it. Here is what he had to say:
Your Apostle (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) teaches you about everything, even about excrement. (1)
So let's take a look at some of the things that Muhammad taught about excrement.
  1. Before entering the bathroom, cover your head, put shoes on your feet, and say this little prayer: "O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils."
    When going to the toilet the messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would wear footwear. He would cover his blessed head and before stepping into the room, he would read: 'O Allah I seek your protection from the male and female devils.' (1)
  2. Enter the bathroom with your left foot.
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would enter the toilet with his left foot. (1)
  3. Don't read the Quran while on the toilet.
    Any verse of the Qur'an, should be removed before entering the toilet. (1)
  4. Don't let anyone see you pee. (No one ever saw Muhammad do it -- except for all those eyewitnesses who provided the glorious details about his peeing technique.)
    Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him) states that, 'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself he would go so far that no-one could see him.' We should make sure that there is complete privacy whilst relieving one's self; this is modesty that every Muslim should have. (1)
    A person should be concealed from the sight of others when answering the call of nature. ... How can anybody uncover in front of other people the ‘awrah (private parts) which Allaah has placed between his legs to conceal it and commanded him to cover it? (2)
    One should move and hide himself from others, as the prophet SAAWS only relieved himself when he was out of site. (2)
  5. Don't try to hold it before prayer. If you do, your prayer won't count. (Allah knows who has to pee or fart and who doesn't, and he gets pissed off when he sees people praying when they should be peeing.)
    When the time for prayer comes and one of you needs to relieve himself, he should do that first ... it is Makrooh-e-Tehrimi to hold urine/wind or the need to go to the toilet. One should relieve themselves first as the Salaah will have to be repeated. (1)
  6. Keep all of your clothes on until the very last second. Then take off only the clothes that are absolutely necessary while getting as close to the ground as possible. (God hates to see you naked.)
    'When the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would go to relieve himself, he would not remove the clothing from his body until he was close to the ground. (1)
    A person should not uncover his ‘awrah (private parts) until after he has squatted close to the ground, because this is more concealing, as Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) wanted to answer the call of nature, he would not lift his garment until he had squatted close to the ground.” (2)
  7. Point your face in some other direction besides Mecca while pooping or peeing -- but for God's sake don't point your butt or penis in that direction either. (If your toilet at home is facing Mecca, you're up shit creek, so to speak. If you're a good Muslim, you'll remodel the bathroom so the toilet faces New York, Rome, or Salt Lake City instead.)
    Facing or keeping the back towards the Qibla whilst going to the toilet is forbidden. We should take care of this at all times. If the toilet is facing the Qibla in your home then try and sacrifice some money and have it changed as you will be sinning every time you use the toilet. (1)
    Your Prophet has taught you everything, even how to defecate!” Salmaan said: “Yes, he forbade us to face the qiblah when urinating or defecating…” (2)
    The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you sits down to answer the call of nature, he should not face the qiblah or turn his back towards it.” (2)
  8. When you're doing your business, don't touch your penis with your right hand. Use your left hand to hold it while peeing and to wipe your butt after you're done pooping. (Don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.)
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that, 'None of you should hold the private parts with the right hand while urinating, or wipe with the right hand in the privy. (1)
    [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you wipes himself, he should not use his right hand.” (2)
  9. Don't use the right hand for cleaning either. It's pretty much useless while in the bathroom. (I try to keep mine over my head or behind my back.)
    Do not use the right hand for cleansing (Istinja) as it goes against the Sunnah unless you have a problem with your right hand. We use the right hand for eating, drinking, shaking hands, reading the Qur'an etc. we should use the other hand for cleaning, holding shoes, cleaning the nose etc. (1)
    The Prophet’s wife Hafsah (may Allaah be pleased with her) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to use his right hand for eating, drinking, making wudoo (?), getting dressed, and giving and taking things, and he used to use his left hand for other things. (2)
  10. Wash and wipe an odd number of times.
    Wash in odd numbers i.e. 1, 3, 5 or 7 times. (1)
    [T]he Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to wash his posterior three times. Ibn ‘Umar said: “We did this too and found it to be healing and cleansing.” (2)
  11. Do all your clean-up with just three fingers: the middle fingers of your left hand. (May take some practice.)
    Use the left hand middle three fingers for cleanings. (1)
  12. For an easier pee, try pushing on your left leg.
    Put slight pressure on the left leg it makes it relieving easier. (1)
  13. Pee sitting down. Whoever pees standing up will go straight to hell when they die. (Muhammad's nine year old wife, Aisha, swore he was a sit-down pee-er.)
    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) says that, 'Whosoever says that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) would stand up and urinate do not believe them, he would urinate but sitting down ... One of the reasons of the punishment in the grave is because of urinating standing up, Islam has given us a method to follow not only will you relieve yourself but you will be rewarded too. (1)
  14. Don't get any urine on yourself. If you do you, Allah will torture you in hell for it. As the Prophet of Pee said so well, "Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine."
    Once the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) while passing through a graveyard heard the voices of two persons who were being punished in their graves. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These two persons are being punished not for something major (it is not difficult to be save from it).' The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) then added, 'Yes! (They are being tortured for a major sin) Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine... (1)
    He should be careful to remove all impurity after answering the call of nature, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against being careless in cleaning oneself after urinating: “Most of the punishment of the grave will be because of urine.” (2)
  15. Females should wipe with the heel of the left palm, being careful not to separate the legs too much.
    The sister should cleanse themselves with the lower palm of the left hand and do not separate the legs to wide. (1)
  16. Males should hold the penis from the top with the left hand index finger and thumb, gently milking it until all the drops come out.
    When cleaning yourself, males should hold their penis from the top with the left hand index finger and the thumb. Gently work your way down (as if milking an animal) so if drops are left they will come out. (1)
  17. Whatever you do, be sure to get that last drop out. Force the little bugger if you have to.
    After performing urination, if you feel that another drop of urine will come, then it is wajib for you to perform 'Istibrao' meaning after urination to perform some act that would force the urine left inside, to come out . (1)
  18. First wash the front of the penis and then the back.
    First wash the front then the back. (1)
  19. In all of this, try hard not to even look at your penis. Looking at your own penis can cause severe memory loss.
    Do not look at your private parts as there is a chance of the memory becoming weak. (1)
  20. When you finally force that last drop out and you've washed your penis, front and back, wash your hands three times.
    After you have relieved yourself, wash your hands up to the wrists thrice. (1)
  21. Don't talk in the bathroom. If someone else talks, cough three times. (God doesn't like it when people talk while not fully clothed.)
    One should not talk in the toilet without absolute necessity but if a person outside is calling and does not know then cough thrice to make them aware. ... When two people talk when the body is uncovered Allah (The Exalted) is displeased. (1)
    [A] man passed by the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) whilst he was urinating, and greeted him. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him: “If you see me in this state, do not greet me, because if you do, I will not respond.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, 346; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 575). The majority of scholars say that it is makrooh (disliked) to speak in the restroom unnecessarily. (2)
  22. Wipe your butt with your left hand, using at least three pebbles. But don't use bones or dung, for, as Muhammad said, "They are the food of the jinn."
    Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) reported that he used to carry a vessel for the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to do wudoo’ and clean himself after answering the call of nature. Whilst he was following him, he (the Prophet) asked, “Who is that?” He said: “I am Abu Hurayrah.” He said: “Get me some stones I can use to clean myself, but do not bring me any bones or dung.” So I brought him some stones, carrying them in the hem of my garment, and placed them by his side, then I went away. When he had finished, I came back and asked him, “What is wrong with bones and dung?” He said: “They are the food of the jinn.” (2)
    No one shall make "Estinjaa" without using three stones. ... The prophet SAAWS asked his servant (Abdullah Ibn Masood) to bring him three stones for "Estinja", Ibn Masood RAA only found two stones so he brought him a piece of animal's droppings (dung) that was dry. When the prophet saw it, he threw it away and said that it is Najasah (impure). ... "Salman was once asked: Your prophet teaches you everything, even how to relieve yourselves? Salman said: Certainly.... he forbade us from facing the Qiblah while doing so, from cleaning ourselves with our right hand, and from cleaning ourselves with less than three stones. (3)
  23. When you're done, wash your private parts with water. (Muhammad didn't have to do this, though, because his pee was special.)
    Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) narrates that, 'The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) went to answer the call of nature, 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) bought some water. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'What is this'' He replied, 'Water for cleansing (Istinja).' The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'It has not been made necessary (Wajib) upon me after urinating to cleanse myself with water.'(1)
  24. Watch out for jinns and devils. They like to hang out in bathrooms and mess with your private parts.
    [T]he Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'These toilets are peopled by Jinn and devils, so when one of you goes there say, 'I seek protection in you from the male and female devil.'' Meaning pray the supplication before entering the toilet.
    The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, 'When one of you intends to go to the toilet then recite 'Bismillah' a veil will be placed between the jinn and the parts of your body.' This should be recited before entering the toilet. (1)
  25. When you're all done, leave with your right foot.
    When leaving the toilet one should step out with the right foot. (1)
  26. After leaving, say a little prayer to the toilet god.
    Once outside the toilet read this supplication: 'O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief.' (1)
    When leaving the toilet, he should say: “Ghufraanak (I seek Your forgiveness).” (2)
  27. If you fail to follow any of these rules, the invisible bathroom devils will give you some sort of mental illness.
    We should try and learn these short supplications and practise them too. If we do not seek Allah's (The Exalted) protection from the devils, then there is a chance we can be affected with mental illnesses from the devils. We can not see the devils and when you can not see your enemy they are more dangerous. (1)
So you see what I mean. If you follow all those rules every time you go to the bathroom, you won't have much time for anything else.

1 Sunnah of Going to the Bathroom (Toilet)
2 Muslim Bathroom Etiquette
3 Istinjaa - Bathroom Etiquette

15 January 2012

Tebow 136: God's message from last night's game

In last week's overtime win against the Steelers, Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards. And, of course, believers everywhere immediately knew that God was trying to tell us all something.

You see, God carefully arranged (fixed) the game so that Tebow's passing yards would match the numbers of his favorite verse -- the only verse that he and his followers seem to know or care much about -- John 3:16.

God, it seems, likes to communicate using Tim Tebow's stats.

So what was God saying in last night's game against the Patriots?

Well, God is really into passing yardage, and last night Tebow passed for 136 yards.

Which could only mean one thing: God wants us all to read and obey a particular Bible verse involving the digits in the number 136.

After a careful check of the Bible, I think I know what verse God had in mind: Deuteronomy 13:6 (and following verses).

Here's what God says in the passage beginning with that verse:

13:6 If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

13:8 Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:

13:9 But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.

13:10 And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die.

God wants us to stone to death our family and friends, without pity (God hates pity), if they encourage us to worship the wrong god. (Which, of course, would include any Mormons, Catholics, Jews, Muslims, etc.)

I can't wait to see Tebow's eye-black for next season's opening game!

14 January 2012

Mitt Romney and the Curse of Blackness

Obey Hendricks has a great article at HuffingtonPost entitled, "Mitt Romney and the Curse of Blackness." Here are some excerpts.
...there is something about Mitt Romney's religion that I find deeply troubling, particularly in light of the possibility that he could become the next president of this nation. What concerns me is this: the Book of Mormon, the book that Mitt Romney and all Mormons embrace as divinely revealed scripture ... declares that black people are cursed. That's right. Cursed. And not only accursed, but lazy and aesthetically ugly to boot.

...the Book of Morman says it explicitly and in numerous passages: black people are cursed by God and our dark skin is the evidence of our accursedness. Here are a few examples:

And the Lord had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them (2 Nephi 5:21).

And I beheld, after they had dwindled in unbelief they became a dark and loathsome and a filthy people, full of idleness and all manner of abominations (1 Nephi 12:23).

O my brethren, I fear that unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours, when ye shall be brought with them before the throne of God. (Jacob 3:8).

And the skins of the Lamanites were dark, according to the mark which was set upon their fathers, which was a curse upon them because of their transgression and their rebellion against their brethren, who consisted of Nephi, Jacob, and Joseph, and Sam, who were just and holy men (Alma 3: 6).

...at no time has Mitt Romney ever publicly indicated that he seriously questioned the divine inspiration of the Book of Mormon's teachings about race, much less that he has repudiated them. It is true that in a 2008 Meet the Press interview with the late Tim Russert, Romney did vigorously assert his belief in equal rights for all Americans in every facet of life. As part of that narrative, he cited his parents' "tireless" advocacy for blacks' civil rights, including the dramatic exit of his father, Michigan Governor George Romney, from the 1964 Republican convention as a protest against nominee Barry Goldwater's racial politics. He also shared that he wept when he learned of Spencer Kimball's aforementioned revelation. Yet from Romney's remarks it is not clear whether he wept for joy because Mormonism was eschewing its segregationist policies or if he wept from relief that the announcement promised to quiet the public outrage that those policies were causing. And significantly, while he recited his parents' efforts to confront racial injustice, Mitt Romney pointed to no such activities of his own.

...Mitt Romney himself owes it to America to address the issue. Why? Because Romney was tutored into adulthood by a holy book that declares that all Americans like me are cursed by God. And he is not only a believer; he has served as a leader in his faith.

....when Tim Russert invited Romney to repudiate his Church's racist legacy on Meet the Press, Romney refused.

That is why, Mr. Romney, as an American citizen whose president you seek to become, I must insist that you honestly and forthrightly attest to me and all Americans of goodwill that you actually can be my president, too, fully and completely. You can accomplish this by publicly disavowing the portions of your holy book that so sorely denigrate the humanity of me, my loved ones and all people of black African descent.

It is incumbent that you do this, candidate Romney, for the sake of all Americans.

No one should vote for Mitt Romney unless he does exactly that.