Jesus

You’ve heard this one before: God killed his son in order to stop himself from torturing people forever after they die for something that someone else supposedly did thousands of years before they were born.

The story is known too well already. So I'm not going to waste any time on it here. There are only two things that you need to know.

1. God killed his own son.

He ... spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all. Romans 8:32

2. He had the whole thing planned from the very beginning.

Ye were not redeemed with corruptible things ... But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot: Who verily was foreordained before the foundation of the world. 1 Peter 1:18-20

It's hard to imagine something worse than a father planning to kill his own son. Except maybe a father killing his son in order to keep himself from torturing billions of others forever.

"He that spared not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone.

Herod was eaten by worms for not giving the God the glory

One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.

Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21

The Bible doesn't tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, "this is the voice of a god, not a man."

The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22

But God didn't like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.

Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a

And then God fed King Herod to the worms.

And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b

(I give God all the glory for this Bible story.)

God's next killing: Jesus

Hananiah

Whenever two prophets get together in the Bible, you can be pretty sure that one of them will soon be killed by God. Remember how God sent a lion to kill a prophet for believing another prophet’s lie? And then he sent another lion to kill another prophet for refusing to smite fellow prophet? Yeah, well, the same thing happens to here to Hananiah, sans lion.

The trouble starts when Hananiah prophesies good news for the people of Judah. God was going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and bring the people of Judah back home.

Hananiah … the prophet … spake … in the presence of the priests and of all the people, saying, Thus speaketh the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel, saying, I have broken the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two full years … I will bring again to this place … all the captives of Judah … for I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Jeremiah 28.1-4

Which contracted what Jeremiah had been telling everyone. Lately, in fact, Jeremiah was running around wearing a wooden yoke, symbolizing Nebuchadnezzar’s absolute power over Israel. So Hananiah’s good news was anathema to him.

Jeremiah replied with his usual sarcasm.

Amen: the LORD do so: the LORD perform thy words which thou hast prophesied, to bring again the vessels of the LORD's house, and all that is carried away captive, from Babylon into this place. 28.6

Then Hanaiah took Jeremiah’s silly yoke and broke it in front of everyone.

Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah's neck, and brake it. 28.10

And he repeated his prophecy about the end of Judah’s exile within two years.

And Hananiah spake in the presence of all the people, saying, Thus saith the LORD; Even so will I break the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon from the neck of all nations within the space of two full years. 28.11

Jeremiah went away after that. But a little later God told Jeremiah to tell Hananiah that he wants everyone to serve Nebuchadnezzar, even the animals.

Go and tell Hananiah, saying, Thus saith the LORD … I have put a yoke of iron upon the neck of all these nations, that they may serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon; and they shall serve him: and I have given him the beasts of the field also. 28.14

Oh, yeah, and that within a year God would kill him.

Hear now, Hananiah; The LORD hath not sent thee; but thou makest this people to trust in a lie. Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will cast thee from off the face of the earth: this year thou shalt die, because thou hast taught rebellion against the LORD. 28.15-16

And, by golly, that’s what happened.

So Hananiah the prophet died the same year in the seventh month. 28.17

God's next killing: Ezekiel’s wife

Ananias and Sapphira

Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles and kept the rest.

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. Acts 5:1-2

The bible doesn't say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.

But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn't enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.

But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? ... Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. Acts 5:3-4

I don't know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this "lie to the Holy Ghost" thing? So far, at least as far as the text goes, Ananias hasn't said a thing. Don't your lips have to move when you lie?

Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don't give all of your money to the church. (Which church? The Holy Ghost's church, of course!)

In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.

And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. Acts 5:5

A few hours later, they bring in Sapphira, who didn't yet know what had happened to her husband.

And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. Acts 5:7

Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.

And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Acts 5:8

Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.

Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Acts 5:9

After hearing Peter's words, she fell down dead. And the "young men" came in to bury her.

Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. Acts 5:10

And it scared the shit (and the shekels) out of everyone in the church.

And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. Acts 5:11

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God's next killing: Herod Aggripa

God kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her death

I guess God was trying to make some kind of point in this killing. Maybe you can help me figure out what it was.

God had just revealed some important stuff to Ezekiel.

Thus saith the Lord GOD ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it! ... That it might cause fury to come up to take vengeance; I have set her blood upon the top of a rock, that it should not be covered. ... Woe to the bloody city! ... Heap on wood, kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... that the filthiness of it may be molten in it, that the scum of it may be consumed. She hath wearied herself with lies, and her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire. ... I the LORD have spoken it: it shall come to pass, and I will do it; I will not go back, neither will I spare. Ezekiel 24:3-14

So there you have it. God is going to make a bloody, scum-filled soup using human blood, bones, and body parts. It will come to pass and God will spare no one.

Then in the next verse he announces his next killing: Ezekiel's wife.

Also the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Son of man, behold, I take away from thee the desire of thine eyes with a stroke. Ezekiel 24:15-16aa

Now, I don't think God meant to say here that he was going to kill Ezekiel's wife "with a stroke." Here's how the Revised Standard Version puts it.

Son of Man, behold, I am about to take the delight of your eyes away from you at a stroke." Ezekiel 24:16a (SRV)

So although we don't know how, we do know he's going to kill her right away, "in a stroke."

And when he does, God doesn't want Ezekiel to mourn her death in any way. He's not allowed to cry, take his shoes off, cover his lips, bind the tire of his head, or eat the bread of men.

Yet neither shalt thou mourn nor weep, neither shall thy tears run down. Forbear to cry, make no mourning for the dead, bind the tire of thine head upon thee, and put on thy shoes upon thy feet, and cover not thy lips, and eat not the bread of men. Ezekiel 24:16a-17

And that's what happens. God killed Ezekiel's wife and Ezekiel didn't give a shit.

My wife died; and I did in the morning as I was commanded. Ezekiel 24:16

Then God and Ezekiel explain the whole point of this killing to everyone in Israel. God will kill their sons and daughters, and no one is allowed to mourn them after they die, like Ezekiel didn't mourn his wife when God killed her. (At least I think that's the point here. Let me know if you think I'm wrong.)

Here's what Ezekiel told the people after God killed his wife.

The word of the LORD came unto me, saying ... your sons and your daughters ... shall fall by the sword. And ye shall do as I have done: ye shall not cover your lips, nor eat the bread of men. And your tires shall be upon your heads, and your shoes upon your feet: ye shall not mourn nor weep ... Thus Ezekiel is unto you a sign: according to all that he hath done shall ye do. Ezekiel 24:20-24

Well, now, that's a point worth killing for, isn't it?

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God's next killing: Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)

Job's Daughters (even prettier than the originals!)

Remember how, in God's 107th killing, a big wind blew down the house that Job's children were partying in? Well, it was all a part of God's plan -- or in this case, his bet with Satan.

In case you were wondering, God won the bet. Job never cursed God, even after he killed his children, slaves and animals, and then tormented Job with all kinds of nasty diseases.

And in the end, everything worked out well for Job. God gave him twice as much stuff as he had before, and even gave him seven new sons and three new daughters to replace the ones that he killed in his bet with Satan.

The new daughters even had names. And, best of all, the they were even prettier than the originals! They were the fairest women in all the land (fairer even than Snow White and the witch).

And he called the name of the first, Jemima; and the name of the second, Kezia; and the name of the third, Kerenhappuch. And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:14-15

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You've probably heard of the masonic organization, "Job's Daughters," where young girls dress up in sheets and old men decide who is prettiest.

Yeah, well, now you know where the name comes from: the three pretty replacement daughters for the original (not as pretty) daughters of Job.

How sick is that?

God and/or Satan kill Job's children, slaves, and animals

This is the only killing in the Bible that Satan had anything to do with. And he didn't do it alone; God was a co-conspirator.

The story begins by introducing Job.

Job was a perfect man with 7 sons, 3 daughters, 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she asses, and lots of slaves. He was the greatest man east of the Mediterranean.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. Job 1:1-3

Job's sons liked to party a lot, and they often invited their sisters over to party with them.

And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Job 1:4

Job worried that his sons (he didn't worry about about his daughters) might sin while they were partying, so Job spent all his time killing animals for God in order to sanctify his sons.

And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. Job 1:5

One day the sons of God came over to to God's place. And Satan was with them.

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Job 1:6

God ignored his other sons, but was especially interested in Satan. He hadn't seen him for a while and wanted to know what he'd been up to lately.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Job 1:7a

Satan said that he'd been down hiking around on earth.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Job 1:7b

God asked Satan if he'd seen Job, you know, the guy that is perfect, upright, God-fearing, and whatnot.

And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Job 1:8

Satan knew who God was talking about. He told God that Job had a good reason to be good. God made Job the biggest big shot east of Eden, protecting him from everything bad and giving him everything good.

Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Job 1:9-10

Take away the protection and mess with his stuff, and he'll curse you to your face, Big Guy.

But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Job 1:11

So God said, "You're on, Satan. Go back down to earth and and do whatever the hell you want with his stuff. But don't do anything to him."

And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Job 1:12a

So Satan left God's place and, presumably, went down to earth to visit Job.

So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. Job 1:12b

When Satan got down to earth, he found Job's children partying, as usual.

And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: Job 1:13

And then all hell broke loose.

A messenger came to tell Job that the Sabeans had taken his oxen and asses and killed all his slaves ("servants" in the KJV).

And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:14-15

And then, while he was still talking to the first messenger, another messenger showed up, telling him that "a fire from God had fallen from heaven" and burned up Job's sheep and slaves (I guess some slaves must have survived the Sabean attack).

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 116:

And then while the second messenger was talking, a third messenger arrived to tell Job that a wind came up and knocked down the house that his children were partying at, killing them all.
(These three messengers were, of course, the only ones who survived.)

While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house: And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:18-19

After Job heard these three messages he ripped up his clothes, shaved his head, fell on his face, and worshiped the God who had just murdered his children.

Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped. Job 1:20

Oh, and he also said that he was born naked and would die naked, God gives and takes away, blessed be his name.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. Job 1:21

God burned to death his slaves and animals and murdered his children, but Job didn't blame God.

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. Job 1:22

But God was to blame, even if Job didn't have the guts to say so.

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We know that God and Satan killed Job's seven sons and three daughters. Job also owned a lot of slaves, which were killed in God's little bet with Satan, but the Bible doesn't say how many. I'll guess there were 50 slaves that died (some burned to death).

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God's next killing: Hananiah

Remember David: Don't fill out Satan's 2010 Census form

This is a census year in the United States. Article 1, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution requires a complete enumeration every ten years.

[An] Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.

But Michele Bachmann won't be participating.

She claims it has something to do with WWII Japanese American internment camps, but I think it's all about the Bible. Michele knows her Bible too well to participate in a God-damned government census.

Remember what happened with David's census? God killed 70,000 men (and who knows how many women and children) in three days of pestilence.

Why did God kill so many people? Because David had a census.

David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel ... and bring the number of them to me, that I may know it.
...
And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David.
...
And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel.
...
So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men. 1 Chronicles 21:2-14

And why did David have the census?

Because Satan told him to.

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1

Michele Bachmann knows that if Satan could fool David, a man after God's own heart, he sure as hell could fool the authors of the U.S. Constitution.

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Note: Michele also knows that Satan had help in inspiring the David's census.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

Satan and God worked on it together. But that's beside the point. God got angry and he and/or Satan inspired David to have a census and then God killed a couple hundred thousand people because of the census.

So it doesn't matter whether the 2010 census was inspired by God or Satan or both. God hates censuses, and he kills those that participate in them.

The Fall of Jerusalem

There are only two kinds of kings in the Bible: those that were like David and did right in the sight of the Lord and those that were not like David and did evil in the sight of the Lord. Zedekiah was in the latter group. He didn’t humble himself in front of Jeremiah, he rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar, stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart.

Zedekah … did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD his God, and humbled not himself before Jeremiah the prophet speaking from the mouth of the LORD. And he also rebelled against king Nebuchadnezzar, who had made him swear by God: but he stiffened his neck, and hardened his heart from turning unto the LORD God of Israel. 2 Chronicles 36.11-13

And everyone else in Judah was just as bad. They did all the basic heathen-like abominations, polluted the temple. You name it.

Moreover all the chief of the priests, and the people, transgressed very much after all the abominations of the heathen; and polluted the house of the LORD which he had hallowed in Jerusalem. 36.14

They even ignored, mocked, and mistreated God’s messengers.

And the LORD God of their fathers sent to them by his messengers, rising up betimes, and sending; because he had compassion on his people, and on his dwelling place. But they mocked the messengers of God, and despised his words, and misused his prophets. 36.15-16a 

Well, there’s only so much of that shit that God will put up with. Finally he couldn’t take it any longer and unleashed his wrath upon them.

The wrath of the LORD arose against his people, till there was no remedy. 36.16b

He sent the Babylonians (Chaldees) to slaughter the people of Jerusalem. Young men, little girls, old people – God had them all killed without pity.

Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand. 36.17

Well, not all, I guess. Some survived and were carried off to Babylon.

Jeremiah gets even more carried away with this story. Here's what he says.

Thus saith the LORD God of Israel; Behold, I will turn back the weapons of war that are in your hands, wherewith ye fight against the king of Babylon, and against the Chaldeans … And I myself will fight against you with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm, even in anger, and in fury, and in great wrath. ... I will deliver Zedekiah king of Judah, and his servants, and the people, and such as are left in this city from the pestilence, from the sword, and from the famine, into the hand of Nebuchadrezzar king of Babylon, and into the hand of their enemies, and into the hand of those that seek their life: and he shall smite them with the edge of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. ... He that abideth in this city shall die by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence: but he that goeth out, and falleth to the Chaldeans that besiege you, he shall live, and his life shall be unto him for a prey. For I have set my face against this city for evil, and not for good, saith the LORD: it shall be given into the hand of the king of Babylon, and he shall burn it with fire. Jeremiah 21:4-10

The Bible doesn't say how many God killed with the sword, famine, and disease. But according to Jeremiah, everyone in Jerusalem died, except for those who surrendered to Nebachadnezzar. So I'll guess 10,000. 

God's next killing: The Purim killings

Friendly Fire: God forced "a great multitude" to kill each other

"A great multitude" of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites gathered to attack the kingdom of Judah.

There cometh a great multitude against thee from beyond the sea ... the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir [the Edomites]. 2 Chronicles 20.2

The king of Judah, Jehoshaphat, prays and prays and prays some more, asking God for help.

And Jehoshaphat stood in the congregation of Judah ... And said, O LORD God of our fathers, art not thou God in heaven? and rulest not thou over all the kingdoms of the heathen? and in thine hand is there not power and might, so that none is able to withstand thee?
...
...
...
And now, behold, the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir ... invade.
...
...
O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee. 20.5-12

Everyone in Judah heard Jehoshaphat's boring prayer.

All Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. 20.13

And then the spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph) who told the people of Judah not to worry. They didn’t even need to fight; God would fight for them.

Then upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, came the Spirit of the LORD in the midst of the congregation; And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God's. ... Ye shall not need to fight in this battle. 20.14-17

Then Jehoshaphat and the entire population of Judah fell on their faces.

Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the LORD, worshipping the LORD. 20.18

Jehoshaphat appointed singers to praise the beauty and holiness and say to the army, "Praise the Lord."

Jehoshaphat ... appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD. 20.20-21

And God took care of everything else.

He ambushed the opposing army, forcing the Ammonites and the Moabites to kill the Edomites, and vice versa until "every one helped to destroy another."

When they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten. For the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of mount Seir, utterly to slay and destroy them: and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, every one helped to destroy another. 20.22-23

And so when everyone in Judah went up to the watch tower, they saw nothing but dead bodies.

When Judah came toward the watch tower in the wilderness, they looked unto the multitude, and, behold, they were dead bodies fallen to the earth, and none escaped. 20.24

Then the people of Judah came down from the watch tower and stripped all the booty from the dead bodies. It took them three days, but they got lots of cool stuff, including precious jewels. But there was just too much for them to carry away.

When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away the spoil of them, they found among them in abundance both riches with the dead bodies, and precious jewels, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away: and they were three days in gathering of the spoil, it was so much. 20.25

(Since there was "a great multitude" of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites, I estimated 30,000, 10,000 from each tribe.)

God's next killing: God made Johoram's bowels fall out

God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him

After God smote Ahaz by delivering him into the hand of the Syrian king, he delivered him into the hand of another king (Pekah, the king of Israel) for some more smiting. I guess the Syrian king didn't smite Ahaz hard enough.

God should have been pleased with the second smiting, though, since it was "a great slaughter."

He [Ahaz] was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 2 Chronicles 28.5b

And it was a great slaughter, too. 120,000 valiant men died in one day! (And 200,000 women and children were taken for slaves.)

For Pekah the son of Remaliah slew in Judah an hundred and twenty thousand in one day, which were all valiant men; because they had forsaken the LORD God of their fathers. ... And the children of Israel carried away captive of their brethren two hundred thousand, women, sons, and daughters. 28.6-8

But God wasn't pleased with this slaughter either. In fact, the fierce wrath of God was now on the smiters.

A prophet of the LORD was there, whose name was Oded: and he ... said unto them, Behold, because the LORD God of your fathers was wroth with Judah, he hath delivered them into your hand, and ye have slain them in a rage that reacheth up unto heaven. ... for the fierce wrath of the LORD is upon you. 28.9-11

You see, in the first smiting, the Syrians didn't kill enough people; in the second, the Israelites killed too many. God has a golden mean, sort of a Goldilocks standard for smiting. I'm guessing that God thought that 60,000 to 80,000 was the proper amount of smiting to pay forward king Ahaz for his children/incense burning activities.

In any case, the Israelites worked things out with God by sending the slaves back to Judah and giving them their stuff back. And God forgot his rage toward the Israelites and moved on to his next killing.

God's next killing: Jerusalem

God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria

Ahaz was another king that God didn't like very much. He just wasn't enough like David to suit him.

Ahaz ... did not that which was right in the sight of the LORD, like David his father. 2 Chronicles 28.1

And, it's true; he did seem to lack parenting skills.

Moreover he ... burnt his children in the fire. 28.3

But worst of all, he was a compulsive incense burner, burning incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree in Judah.

He burnt incense in the high places, and on the hills, and under every green tree. 28.4

So, of course, God had to put a stop to that.

He did it in the usual way; he smote him by delivering him into the hand of another king (this time the king of Syria).

Wherefore the LORD his God delivered him into the hand of the king of Syria; and they smote him … And he was also delivered into the hand of the king of Israel, who smote him with a great slaughter. 28.5

The text doesn't say how many of Judah's soldiers died in this smiting. But since in the next verse 120,000 soldiers die in one day, I figure it must have been at least 10,000.

God's next killing: 120,000 valiant men

God destroys Amaziah

The first thing we are told about king Amaziah (besides when he began to reign and the name of his parents) is that "did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart."

Amaziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, but not with a perfect heart. 2 Chronicles 25.1-2

And the first thing that he did was murder the murderers of his father.

Now it came to pass, when the kingdom was established to him, that he slew his servants that had killed the king his father. 25.3

Next he killed 10,000 Edomites (children of Seir).

Amaziah strengthened himself, and led forth his people, and went to the valley of salt, and smote of the children of Seir ten thousand. 25.11

And then he rounded up another 10,000 Edomites and pushed them all off a cliff. And "they all were broken in pieces."

And other ten thousand left alive did the children of Judah carry away captive, and brought them unto the top of the rock, and cast them down from the top of the rock, that they all were broken in pieces. 25.12

But then, after he got back from slaughtering the Edomites, Amaziah began to worship the Edomite gods.

After that Amaziah was come from the slaughter of the Edomites, that he brought the gods of the children of Seir, and set them up to be his gods, and bowed down himself before them, and burned incense unto them. 25.14

Which, unlike throwing 10,000 people off a cliff, was not right in the eyes of the Lord.

So God sent a prophet to tell Amaziah that God was going to destroy him.

Wherefore the anger of the LORD was kindled against Amaziah, and he sent unto him a prophet, which said unto him ... God hath determined to destroy thee. 25.15-16

Next Amaziah had a meeting with king Joash of Israel, who has this to say to Amaziah:

The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon, saying, Give thy daughter to my son to wife: and there passed by a wild beast that was in Lebanon, and trode down the thistle. 25.18

Which means nothing at all to me.

But then Joash says something a bit more comprehensible.

Thou sayest, Lo, thou hast smitten the Edomites; and thine heart lifteth thee up to boast: abide now at home; why shouldest thou meddle to thine hurt, that thou shouldest fall, even thou, and Judah with thee? 25.19

Which means, I guess, "Back off, big guy."

But Amaziah didn't back off and Joash defeated him ("for it came of God").

But Amaziah would not hear; for it came of God, that he might deliver them into the hand of their enemies, because they sought after the gods of Edom. ... And Judah was put to the worse before Israel. 25.20-22

Although Amaziah's army was defeated by Joash's, Amaziah survived the battle. But years later there was a conspiracy against him and he was killed.

Now after the time that Amaziah did turn away from following the LORD they made a conspiracy against him in Jerusalem; and he fled to Lachish: but they sent to Lachish after him, and slew him there. 25.27

So God caused the death of Amaziah and the defeat of his army, and, therefore the death of many of his soldiers. So I’ll add another 1000 to God’s total.

God's next killing: Ahaz

Did God kill Uzziah?

Uzziah was one of God's favorite kings. He did right in the sight of the Lord just like his father, Amaziah.

Uzziah ... did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, according to all that his father Amaziah did. 2 Chronicles 26:3-4

God helped him kill Philistines, Arabians, and Mehunim.

He went forth and warred against the Philistines ... And God helped him against the Philistines, and against the Arabians that dwelt in Gurbaal, and the Mehunims. 2 Chronicles 26:6-7

But one day Uzziah did something really awful. He burned some incense without a license.

He transgressed against the LORD his God, and went into the temple of the LORD to burn incense upon the altar of incense. 2 Chronicles 26:16

Azariah and 80 priests descended upon him and told him that only priest can burn incense.

And Azariah the priest went in after him, and with him fourscore priests of the LORD, that were valiant men ... and said unto him, It appertaineth not unto thee, Uzziah, to burn incense unto the LORD, but to the priests. 2 Chronicles 26:

So God, who saw the whole thing, did what he had to do: he gave Uzziah leprosy. (He was out of small pox at the time.)

"Behold, he was leprous in his forehead ... because the LORD had smitten him. 2 Chronicles 26:20

And Uzziah had leprosy for the rest of his life.

And Uzziah the king was a leper unto the day of his death. 2 Chronicles 26:21

The Bible doesn't say that Uzziah died of leprosy. But since leprosy is often fatal when untreated, it is likely that he did.

So what do you think? We know that God gave Uzziah leprosy. But did he kill him?

All God's Killings: Search the scriptures to find them all

Those who have been following along with me know that I'm nearing the end of God's killings, at least those that I've included on the list. I worry, though, that I've missed some and I'd like to make the list as complete as possible, giving God all the credit or blame that is due, depending on one's point of view.

So I'll be starting another series of posts on God's suspected killings, those killings in which God would be a "person of interest" based upon the evidence provided by the Bible.

And I'd like you all to help me with this. Search the scriptures to uncover the bodies in the Bible and find scriptural evidence for God's guilt or innocence. Then let me know in the comments or by email, so we can start an investigation. Let's not let any of these cases become cold.

I'd especially like help on this from believers (I know you're out there). It's your book and your God. So you should be interested in knowing whom he has killed and why. Once you are convinced that God was responsible for a particular killing, why not explain why the killing was justified in the comments or guest post?

Because when it comes to these cases, we are all believers, with the Bible our only witness and its words infallible (except when it contradicts itelf).

Joash, the princes, and the army of Judah

Here's another boring one. Sorry about that.

It starts with the spirit of God coming on Zechariah, which, of course, makes him condemn everybody else.

The Spirit of God came upon Zechariah the son of Jehoiada the priest, which stood above the people, and said unto them, Thus saith God, Why transgress ye the commandments of the LORD, that ye cannot prosper? because ye have forsaken the LORD, he hath also forsaken you. 2 Chronicles 24.20

Then the people get pissed off at him, so they stone him (with stones).

And they conspired against him, and stoned him with stones at the commandment of the king [Joash] in the court of the house of the LORD. 24.21

As Zechariah died he asked God to avenge his death.

When he died, he said, The LORD look upon it, and require it. 24.22

So God sends "the host of Syria" to Judea to kill its princes.

At the end of the year … the host of Syria came up against him: and they came to Judah and Jerusalem, and destroyed all the princes of the people from among the people. 24.23

And defeat the "very great" Judean army, which the Syrians were able to do with "a small company of men" because the Lord delivered the army of Judah into their hand.

For the army of the Syrians came with a small company of men, and the LORD delivered a very great host into their hand, because they had forsaken the LORD God of their fathers. So they executed judgment against Joash. 24.24

In the process, Joash was wounded and then killed in his bed.

When they were departed from him, (for they left him in great diseases,) his own servants conspired against him for the blood of the sons of Jehoiada the priest, and slew him on his bed, and he died 24.25 

The Bible doesn't say how many died, but since the Lord delivered "a very great host" into the hand of the Syrians, I'll say 10,000.

God's next killing: Amaziah

ZJ hanging out with some friends

For those of you who don't have Ezekiel 23:20 and Leviticus 26:29 memorized:

For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

God killed Jehoram's sons

In Elijah's letter to Jehoram, he said that God would smite his children and his wives with a great plague.

Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 2 Chronicles 21.14

From that, I expected God to send a disease to kill Jehoram's wives, children, and people. But he sent some Arabians instead.

Moreover the LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king's house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17

So I figured the Arabians just enslaved Jehoram's wives and sons (Elijah, God, and the Bible say nothing about the daughters). But then, the next chapter starts with this:

The inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his stead: for the band of men that came with the Arabians to the camp had slain all the eldest. 22.1

Which means that the Arabians didn't just take his sons and wives away; they killed them. And since God was the one who stirred them up in the first place, he deserves credit for killing Jehoram's sons. (The verse doesn't say what happened to the wives, daughters, or the rest of the people of Judah.)

How many sons were killed by the Arabians? The text doesn't say, so I'll guess 3.

God's next killing: Ahaziah (of Judah)

God made Jehoram's bowels fall out

Jehoram (of Judah) was not a very nice guy. When he became king he killed all of his brothers along with some Israelite princes.

Now when Jehoram was risen up to the kingdom of his father, he strengthened himself, and slew all his brethren with the sword, and divers also of the princes of Israel. 2 Chronicles 21.4

And then he did something that really pissed off God: he made all the people commit fornication.

Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication. 21.11

When the news got to Elijah, he sent Jehoram a letter telling him he was in big trouble with God. God will smite his children, wives, and all the people of Judah with a great plague.

Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 21.14

And he will smite Jehoram with a disease of his bowels until his bowels fall out.

And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 21.15

God first "stirred up" some people to carry away his sons and wives.

The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away his sons also, and his wives ... save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17

And then God smote Jehoram in his bowels with an incurable disease.

After all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. 21.18

For two years Jehoram suffered from the disease, until his bowels finally fell out.

After the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. 21.19

God's next killing: Jehoram's sons

God is no smarter than Sarah Palin (He writes on his palm, too!)

Remember how Sarah Palin wrote crib notes on her hand at the Tea Party Convention?

Yeah well, she's not the only one. God did it, too!

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. Isaiah 49:16

And now she's quoting this verse to justify using her palm for a cheat sheet.

Here's what she said at a Ohio Right To Life fundraiser Friday night.

"If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us,"

Of course the Right To Life folks loved it. They're all palm writers, too.

God killed one million Ethiopians

In the killing before last, God killed 500,000 Israelites. That was pretty impressive. But here, in the next chapter, God killed a million Ethiopians.

God got involved in this killing because he liked Asa, the king of Juda, so much. Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord by destroying the temples of other gods and forbidding their worship.

Asa did that which was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God: For he took away the altars of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves. 2 Chronicles 14.2-3

And he drove homosexuals out of the land.

And he took away the sodomites out of the land. 1 Kings 15.12

So when the Ethiopians attacked Judah while Asa was king, you know which side God was on.

There came out against them Zerah the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand. 2 Chronicles 14.9

All Asa had to do was ask.

Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. 2 Chronicles 14.11

And God killed all 1,000,000 Ethiopians, apparently all at once, in a single day.

So the LORD smote the Ethiopians ... they were destroyed before the LORD. 2 Chronicles 14.12-13

It was the largest, single, God-assisted slaughter in the Bible. (And according to McEvedy and Jones, it would have killed five times the entire Ethiopian population at the time.)

God's next killing: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other

Jeroboam

After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers, he killed their leader, king Jeroboam.

Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13.20

You see, God hated Jeroboam. To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD .... thou hast ... done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14.7-9

(Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them. See 1 Kings 12.28)

God had already killed Jeroboam's son, and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family.
I'm not sure why. I guess it's all a part of God's family values.

This killing is a bit out of place chronologically. But I've decided to order God's killings according to the order that they occur in the Bible. It's hard to be sure of the correct chronology of mythical events.

God's next killing: a million Ethiopians 

God killed a half million Israelite soldiers

Sometimes God has to kill a half million of his favorite people just to make a point of some kind. I'm not sure what the point was in this case, but that's beside the point, whatever it might have been.

Here's what happened.

There was a war between king Abijah of Judah and Jeroboam of Israel. Abijah had 400,000 "chosen men" and Jeroboam had 800,000 "mighty men of valor."

Abijah set the battle in array with an army of valiant men of war, even four hundred thousand chosen men: Jeroboam also set the battle in array against him with eight hundred thousand chosen men, being mighty men of valour. 2 Chronicles 13.3

Abijah stood on a hilltop and delivered a long, boring speech to all 1.2 million men. (He had a very loud voice.)

Abijah stood up upon mount Zemaraim, which is in mount Ephraim, and said, Hear me, thou Jeroboam, and all Israel; Ought ye not to know that the LORD God of Israel gave the kingdom over Israel to David for ever, even to him and to his sons by a covenant of salt?
...
...
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And, behold, God himself is with us for our captain, and his priests with sounding trumpets to cry alarm against you. O children of Israel, fight ye not against the LORD God of your fathers; for ye shall not prosper. 13.4-12

When Abijah was done with his speech, Jeroboam's mighty men attacked from behind.

But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them. 13.13

But then the chosen men of Judah cried to God, blew some trumpets, and shouted all at once.

When Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets. Then the men of Judah gave a shout. 13.14-15a

And then God got involved, killing 500,000 Israelite soldiers.

As the men of Judah shouted … God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. 13.15b-17

But it was all for a good cause. I'm just not sure what the cause was.

God's next killing: Jeroboam

Just another holy war

First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you're probably the first person who ever has.

But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there's another one of God's killings, one that I'd missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the "These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz....."

So anyway, here's the story. I'm sorry it's so damned boring.

It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.

The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18

All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.

They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19

While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.

And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20

And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is "of God," killing people is a piece of cake.

For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22

All that was left was to collect the booty.

They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21

Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.

But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It's a shame that God doesn't tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I'd think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.

God's next killing: half a million Israelite soldiers

God caused king Sennacherib to be killed by his sons

Poor king Hezekiah was upset, so upset, in fact, that he "rent his clothes."

And it came to pass, when king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes. 2 Kings 19.1, Isaiah 37.1

You see, Hezekiah had just heard the commanding officer (Rabshakeh) of the Assyrian army say that Hezekiah and his people would soon be "eating their own dung and drinking their own piss."

But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? 2 Kings 18.27, Isaiah 36.12

So Hezekiah, who didn't much like eating dung or drinking piss, sent a message to Isaiah, asking him what he should do about it. Isaiah told him not to worry. God would put a spirit (or "a blast" in the KJV) in the king of Assyria (Sennacherib) so that he will "hear a rumor" to return to his home in Ninevah. Then God will cause him to be killed with the sword.

Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land. 2 Kings 19.7, Isaiah 37.7

And that's what happened. Sennacherib returned to Ninevah and was killed by his sons while he was in church praying.

And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword. 2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38

But then, he was praying to the wrong God so he deserved it.

God's next killing: Josiah killed all the priests of the high places

An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers, "and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead."

Well, the title pretty much says it all, since it all happens place in a single verse (that is repeated twice in the Bible).

185,000 sleeping Assyrian soldiers were killed by an angel of the Lord. And when they woke up the next morning "behold, they were all dead."

The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses. 2 Kings 19.35, Isaiah 37.36

They probably all woke up and said in unison (as is customary in the Bible), "Shucks, I'm dead."

God's next killing: God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons