King David's amazing census

You just never know what's going to piss off the God of the Bible.

Take King David's censis, for example. The whole thing was God's idea, if you believe Second Samuel, anyway.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

But if you believe First Chronicles, it wasn't God's idea; it was Satan's.

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1

So what's a Bible-believer to believe here? Did God tell David to "Go, number Israel and Judah"? Or did Satan provoke "David to number Israel"? Or did the Dynamic Duo conspire together to make David do it? They worked together before to torment Job. Maybe they teamed up again to make David have a census. You just never know what those two might do.

But whoever was responsible for the dastardly census (Satan and/or God), it was David that God blamed. And God was really pissed off about it, too. So you might expect God to punish David for the census and he and/or Satan inspired, right?

Well, not exactly. Here's what God did according to 2 Samuel.

For when David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad, David's seer, saying, Go and say unto David, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? 2 Samuel 24:11-13

God decided not to punish David for the Divine/Satanic census. No, God liked David too much for that. So he decided to punish the people instead. But the Divine Decider just couldn't decide what punishment would be the most just. So he let David choose from three choices:

1. Seven years of famine,
2. Three months of war, or
3. Three days of pestilence

But David couldn't decide, so God chose option 3 for him, and 70,000 men (no one bothered to count women and children) died.

You can read all about it in 2 Samuel 21.

And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great: and let me not fall into the hand of man. So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:14-15

But if you believe that story, don't read the 1 Chronicles account. Here's what it says.

And the LORD spake unto Gad, David's seer, saying, Go and tell David, saying, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things: choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. So Gad came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee Either three years' famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee; or else three days the sword of the LORD, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me. And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let me fall now into the hand of the LORD; for very great are his mercies: but let me not fall into the hand of man. So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men. 1 Chronicles 21:8-12

So was option 1 seven or three years of famine? No wonder poor David couldn't decide! God's options as communicated by Gad were not clearly stated.

But at least both storytellers agree on the number of innocent people killed by God for a census that God and/or Satan inspired: 70,000 men (God only knows how many women and children he killed).

Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.

An excuse to buy Playboy (for me anyway)

Playing Devil's Advocate:
Blogger Steve Wells has counted the number of people killed in the Bible. God takes the lives of 2,270,365 (not including the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, and the many plagues and famines, etc.). Satan is repsonsible for only 10 deaths, those of Job's seven sons and three daughters.
Playboy Magazine, February 2007, Page 21

How many has God killed? (Complete list and estimated total)

kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

In a previous post, I've listed and counted God's killings in the Bible. But I only included those that said exactly how many were killed by God. I came up with 2,476,633.

But that didn't include some of God's most impressive slaughters. How many did God drown in the flood or burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? How many first-born Egyptians did he kill? The Bible doesn't say, so there's no way to know for sure. But it's possible to provide rough estimates in order to get a grand total, and that's what I'm attempting here.

Total with estimates: 25 million.

Here is a complete list of all of God's killings in the Bible.

Much more information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

God's uncounted killings revisited (with estimates for the number of victims)

It's impossible to know how many people God killed in the Bible.

Sometimes the Bible provides a number, sometimes it doesn't. In previous posts, I left out the un-numbered victims from the total, and just provided a list. But I'm frequently asked for a grand total, however inexact it might be. So here, once again, is the list of God's uncounted killings, with rough estimates of the number of victims. In my next post, I'll use these to get an estimate of the total death toll.

1. God drowns everyone on earth.
   30,000,000

   And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth. Genesis 7:23, Brick Testament

   God supposedly drowned the entire human population (except for Noah and his family) in a flood, somewhere around 2400 BCE. Wikipedia estimates the human population in the third millineum BCE to be around 30 million.

2. God rains fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah, killing everyone.
   1000

   the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. Genesis 19:24, BT

   No one knows what the population of Sodom and Gomorrah might have been at the time they were supposedly destroyed by God, or even if they ever existed at all. But Accuracy in Genesis says it was 600 to 1200. And they ought to know. So I just made it an even thousand.

3. The Seventh Plague: Hail
   30,000

   And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. Exodus 9:25, BT

   Wikipedia says the Egyptian population to be 3 - 5 million at the time the Exodus supposedly happened. So if maybe 1% of the Egyptians were in the field at the time, that would mean that about 30 - 50 thousand would have been killed by God's hailstorm. I used 30,000.

4. God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children.
   1,000,000

   At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29, BT

   According to Exodus 12:37 there were 600,000 Hebrew men that left Egypt. So the total number of Israelites must have been several million, when women and children are included. If there were several million Israelite slaves, there must have been many more Egyptians. Let's say there were twice as many. That would make 6 million Egyptians. If one-sixth of them were first born sons, a million Egyptians were killed by God (or the angel sent by God to do his dirty work for him).

5. God drowns Pharaoh's army in the sea.
   1000

   And the waters returned, and covered the chariots, and the horsemen, and all the host of Pharaoh that came into the sea after them; there remained not so much as one of them. Exodus 14:28, BT

   Since there's no way of knowing how many were supposed to have drowned, I just picked a number. 1000. I'll be (over)using that number a lot in these estimates.

6. God and Moses help Joshua kill the Amalekites.
   1000

   And Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword. Exodus 17:13, BT

7. God burned to death an unknown number for complaining.
   100

   And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Numbers 11:1, BT

8. God sent "a very great plague" for complaining about the food.
   10,000

   And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Numbers 11:33, BT

   Since this was a "very great plague," I figure at least 10,000 must have died.

9. God killed those who murmured with a plague.
   100

   Those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:36-37, BT

   How many would die in a regular plague? 100 or so maybe?

10. Massacre of the Aradites
    3000

    And the LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities. Numbers 21:3, BT

    Since God "utterly destroyed" several cities, at least a few thousand must have died.

11. For complaining about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.
    100

    Numbers 21:6, BT

    I figure "many" is maybe 100 or so.

12. God delivers the Bashanites into Moses' hands and Moses kills everyone "until there was none left alive."
    1000

    And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people ... So they smote him, and his sons, and all his people, until there was none left him alive. Numbers 21:34-35, BT

13. The slaughter of the Anakim, the childen of Esau, and the Horim
    5000

    A people great, and many, and tall, as the Anakims; but the LORD destroyed them ... As he did to the children of Esau, which dwelt in Seir, when he destroyed the Horims from before them ... And the Avims ... the Caphtorims ... destroyed them, and dwelt in their stead. -- Deuteronomy 2:21-22

    The usual 1000 from each group.

14. God hardened the king of Heshbon's heart so that the Israelites could massacre his people. (included several cities)
    3000

    And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people. And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain: -- Deuteronomy 2:33-34, BT

15. God delievered the king of Bashan so that the Israelites could massacre his people.
    60,000

    So the LORD our God delivered into our hands Og also, the king of Bashan, and all his people: and we smote him until none was left to him remaining. ... threescore cities ... And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city. -- Deuteronomy 3:3-6, BT

    60 cities were "utterly destroyed." That ought to be at least 60,000.

16. Massacre of Jericho
    1000

    And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city [Jericho], both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. -- Joshua 6:21, BT

17. God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as they try to escape.
    1000

    And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way ... the LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. -- Joshua 10:10-11

18. Massacre of 7 cities (Makkedah, Libnah, Lachish, Gezer, Eglon, Hebron, and Debir
    7,000

    So Joshua smote all the country of the hills, and of the south, and of the vale, and of the springs, and all their kings: he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:28-42, BT

    The massacre of 7 cities. At least another 7,000 must have died.

19. God delivers the Hazorites.
    1000

    The LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel ... and they smote them, until they left them none remaining. -- Joshua 11:8-12, BT

20. Massacre of the Anakim
    1000

    Joshua 11:20-21, BT

21. Massacre of the Canaanites
    1000

    Judges 4:15, BT

22. God delivered the Ammonites to Jephthah to slaughter.
    1000

    The LORD delivered them into [Jephthah's] hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. -- Judges 11:32-33

23. God forces the Philistine soldiers to kill each other.
    1000

    Every man's sword was against his fellow, and there was a very great discomfiture. -- 1 Samuel 14:20

24. God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite man, women, and child.
    10,000

    Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. -- 1 Samuel 15:2-18

    If this Bible story is true (which it isn't, of course), how many Amalekites were killed at God's command? I originally gave it the usual 1000 for a standard massacre, but Saul sent 210,000 soldiers to do the killing. He wouldn't send that many soldiers to kill only 1000 civilians, would he? So I've increased it to 10,000.

25. God delivers the Philistines.
    1000

    I will deliver the Philistines into thine hand. So David ... smote them with a great slaughter. -- 1 Samuel 23:2-5

26. God delivers the Philistines to David (again).
    1000

    And David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? ... And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. ... And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines." -- 2 Samuel 5:19, 25

27. God sent a three-year famine because of something Saul did.
    5000

    Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites." -- 2 Samuel 21:1

28. Baasha killed everyone in the house of Jeroboam "according to the saying of the Lord."
    1000

    He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD. -- 1 Kings 15:29-30

29. Zimri killed everyone in the house of Baasha "according to the word of the Lord."
    1000

    He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the LORD. -- 1 Kings 16:11-12

30. God calls for a seven year famine.
    10,000

    The LORD hath called for a famine; and it shall also come upon the land seven years. -- 2 Kings 8:1

31. Jehu shows his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord."
    100

    Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD. ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD, which he spake to Elijah. -- 2 Kings 10:16-17

32. God delivered the Israelites into the hand of the Chaldeans.
    1000

    The wrath of the LORD arose against his people, till there was no remedy. Therefore he brought upon them the king of the Chaldees, who slew their young men with the sword in the house of their sanctuary, and had no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand. -- 2 Chronicles 36:16-17

33. God and Satan kill Job's 10 children and all of his servants. The Bible doesn't say how many servants Job had, but it does say (Job 1:3) that he had 7000 sheep, 3000 camels, 500 oxen, 500 she-asses, and "a very great household." So he must have had a bunch of servants (slaves). I'll just say 50.

    And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them: And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Job 1:14-17

The Bible and the Quran agree: Stay away from menstruating women

But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not ... come near to a menstruous woman.... Ezekiel 18:5

They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times.... Quran 2:222

Finally, a topic upon which Muslims, Christians, and Jews can fully agree! Women are unclean when menstruating and men should stay the hell away from them.

Here's what the Bible has to say. (A women who is menstruating is unclean and should be kept away from everyone else for seven days. Whatever she touches or sits on is unclean. Whoever touches a such a women is unclean. Whoever touches her bed is unclean. Whoever touches anything that she sits on is unclean. And anyone who has sex with a menstruating woman is really unclean -- unclean for seven days.)

And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. Leviticus 15:19-24

The Bible goes on and on about this, but I think you get the idea. Finally the woman is allowed back into society, when on the eighth day she goes to the priest and sacrifices two pigeons or two doves ("turtles" in the KJV) as a "sin offering" -- "an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness."

But if she be cleansed of her issue, then she shall number to herself seven days, and after that she shall be clean. And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness. Leviticus 15:28-30

Other passages in the Bible also address menstruation, but this is one of the few topics upon which the Bible speaks consistently and clearly. (Except for the punishment of having sex with a woman during her menses.)

Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. Leviticus 18:19

And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people. Leviticus 20:18

In other places, the Bible refers to menstruation in ways that show how God sees it.

Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee: for the custom of women is upon me. Genesis 31:34-35

Thou shalt cast them away as a menstruous cloth. Isaiah 30:22

Jerusalem is as a menstrous woman. Lamentations 1:17

They humbled her that was set apart for pollution. Ezekiel 22:10

The Quran says it all in just one verse, but it is in complete agreement with the Bible.

They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. 2:222

Menstruation is a sickness. Menstrating women are unclean. Stay away from them while they are menstruating. And, for God's sake, don't have sex with them!

Allah hates pubic hair

I'm not sure why Allah feels this way, but according to Muhammad, he does. Here's what the prophet supposedly said about it.

Five practices are characteristics of the fitrah: circumcision, shaving the pubic hairs, cutting the mustaches short, clipping the nails and plucking the hair of the armpits. (Reported in Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)

And although the Quran is silent on pubic hair, it does say that everyone must do whatever Muhammad says.

And whatsoever the messenger giveth you, take it. And whatsoever he forbiddeth, abstain (from it). And keep your duty to Allah. Lo! Allah is stern in reprisal. Quran 59:7

So Muhammad says you must shave your pubic hair, and the Quran says you must do whatever Muhammad tells you to do. Now that you know, you have no excuse.

Here are detailed instructions on just how to do it.

It's a bit complicated ("...start shaving the pubic hair from beneath the navel, and to start on the right hand side...").

Be sure to read the instructions before starting.