The Chaser's War on Everything: Help me put my son to death

Here are the verses that tell you what to do with a son that curses you:

And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. Leviticus 20:9

For God commanded, saying, Honour thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death. Matthew 15:4

And here are some verses to deal with that homosexual, adulterous, fortune-telling, hump-backed, dwarf priest with crushed testicles.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

And the man that committeth adultery with another man's wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. Leviticus 20:10

A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:27

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God ... Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken ... shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD. Leviticus 21:16-21

A killing to end God's killing

This is really a strange one, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Maybe you can help me sort it out. (In any case, this is definitely a story to mark up in you next Gideon Bible.)

It all happens in the first few verses of Numbers 25, right after the story about Balaam's talking donkey.

It begins with the people having sex with the daughters of Moab.

And ... the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1

After sex, they ate dinner with them and worshiped their gods.

And they called the people unto the sacrifices of their gods: and the people did eat, and bowed down to their gods. Numbers 25:2

This angered God, so he told Moses to kill all the leaders and hang their dead bodies up on trees so that he wouldn't be so angry anymore.

And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel. And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. Numbers 25:3-4

Now this probably wasn't as bad as the King James Version makes it sound. "Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the Lord against the sun" sounds like God told Moses to cut off peoples' heads and hang the heads on trees. That would be kind of nasty.

But no. God just wanted Moses to kill the leaders ("the heads of the people") and hang their dead bodies on trees out in the sunshine so "that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel." That's not nearly so bad, now is it?

I can't tell, though, whether Moses did what God asked. Here's the next verse.

And Moses said unto the judges of Israel, Slay ye every one his men that were joined unto Baalpeor. Numbers 25:5

Moses tells the leaders (judges) to kill everyone who "were joined unto Baalpeor." I don't know if being joined to Baalpeor was having sex with the daughters of Moab or not. But clearly Moses wasn't following orders here. God told him to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees; Moses tells the leaders to kill the people who had sex with Moab women. Different thing entirely, I'd say.

Anyway, I guess neither God's nor Moses' plan was executed, because of what happened next.

And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation. Numbers 25:6

And then the real hero of the story shows up. Phinehas. He sees the happy couple and sticks a spear through their bodies while they were having sex.

And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8a

This double murder made God so happy that he stopped killing everyone. You see, while Moses was trying to get the leaders to kill people who had sex with Moabite women and God was trying to get Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, God was also busy killing people with a plague.

So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. And those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8b-9

Now God had planned to kill everyone, but he stopped with just 24,000 because of Phinehas' holy murder. (Paul said that only 23,000 died in the plague, but how would he know?)

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, hath turned my wrath away from the children of Israel, while he was zealous for my sake among them, that I consumed not the children of Israel in my jealousy. Numbers 25:10-11

So you see my problem here, don't you? How many killings do we have here?

God told Moses to kill the leaders and hang their bodies on trees, but we don't know whether Moses followed God's command.

Moses told the leaders to kill whoever had sex with the Moabite women, but we don't know if his order was carried out either.

Phinehas killed the two people having sex, but we don't know whether God told him to or not. (Even though God was clearly pleased by the killing. So much, in fact that he quit killing after only 24,000, when he'd planned to kill several million.)

And how many died in the plague? Was it 24,000 as Numbers 25:9 says or 23,000 as it says in 1 Corinthians 10:8?

So how do we keep score here? At least 24,002 people died (23,002 if we believe Paul), but in how many separate killing events? And should God get credit for Phinehas' double murder?

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I've decided to count Phinehas' double murder and God's plague as a single killing event. God clearly deserves credit for the plague, of course, but the Phinehas' affair is less clear.

However both Moses and God ordered people to be killed either for either having sex with the Midianites or for allowing them to do so (Numbers 25:3-5), and God was so pleased with the Phinehas' killing that he stopped his own mass murder. So I think God deserves credit for either inspiring or directly ordering Phinehas to impale the lovers while they were having sex.

God's next killing: The Midianite Massacre (Have ye saved all the women alive?)

We should all deface the Bible (Let's start with the Gideons)

Believers are in an uproar about an exhibit at the Glasgow Museum of Modern Art that invited viewers to add their thoughts about the Bible to the pages of the Bible itself. The offer was soon retracted, however, since many of the comments were critical of the Bible.

Imagine that.

No, don't just imagine that. Do it.

The next time you go to a hotel that has a Gideon Bible in its drawer, get out some highlighters and mark the passages that should horrify and offend anyone with any moral sense.

Make notes in the margins, inside the covers, and on the front page. And don't forget to attach a warning label.

There are hundreds of verses that you could highlight, of course, but here's a few to start your Gideon Bible desecration project. (Let me know if I've left out any of your favorites and I'll add them to the list.)

1. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

2. He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death. Exodus 21:17

3. If a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and ... if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. Exodus 21:20-21

4. Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. Exodus 22:18

5. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

6. And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Numbers 11:1

7. And the LORD said unto Moses, Take all the heads of the people, and hang them up before the LORD against the sun, that the fierce anger of the LORD may be turned away from Israel. Numbers 25:4

8. And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Numbers 31:15-19

9. If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers ... Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

10. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:20-21

11. He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

12. When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

13. And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters. Deuteronomy 28:53

14. Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

15. And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

16. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses. Ezekiel 23:20

17. Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

18. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3

19. If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

20. Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak ... And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home. 1 Corinthians 14:34-35

21. He was clothed with a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God ... And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword ... and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. Revelation 19:13-15

22. And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh. Revelation 19:21

You're in good hands with Moses

OK. This is just another boring massacre. Sorry about that.

You pretty much know the story line by now.

The Israelites were busy killing people and stealing their land, when they came upon King Og and the people of Bashan who fought back.

And they turned and went up by the way of Bashan: and Og the king of Bashan went out against them, he, and all his people, to the battle at Edrei. Numbers 21:33

Lucky for Moses, though, God was on his side, and God delivered the Bashanites into Moses' hands.

And the LORD said unto Moses, Fear him not: for I have delivered him into thy hand, and all his people. Numbers 21:34a

God tells Moses to do to them what he did to the Amorites.
(Gosh, I wonder what that was.)

And thou shalt do to him as thou didst unto Sihon king of the Amorites. Numbers 21:34b

So the Israelites killed king Og.

So they smote him Numbers 21:35a

And his sons.

and his sons, Numbers 21:35b

And all his people.

and all his people Numbers 21:35c

Not a single person was left alive.

until there was none left him alive. Numbers 21:35d

And they took their land.

and they possessed his land. Numbers 21:35e

You're in good hands with Moses.

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Note: Since Judges 11:21 makes it clear that God delivered the Amorites just like he did the Bashanites, I included both massacres in this killing.
Estimated victims: 2000.

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God's next killing

The context of John 3:16

The most popular verse in the Bible by far is John 3:16. Nearly everyone, believer or skeptic, can quote this verse. But in case you've forgotten it, here it is.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But let's look at it in context.

Just before Jesus (supposedly) spoke these words, he (supposedly) said:

And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up: That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:14-15

That's right. Jesus believed in the snake-on-a-pole story of Numbers 21, God's 23rd Killing. He believed that God sent fiery serpents to bite and kill the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. And he believed that God told Moses to make a brass serpent and put it on a pole so that those who looked at it would be magically cured. And he was OK with all that.

In fact, Jesus said his own death would be just like that. If you believe in Jesus' magical death, you'll be saved just like the people that had been bitten by God's fiery serpents were saved by looking at Moses' magic snake on a pole.

But what if you don't believe in Jesus' death any more than you do in Moses' magic snake pole? Well, here's what Jesus supposedly said right after the famous words of John 3:16.

He that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. John 3:18

And, a little later, in John 3:38:

He that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.

So let's put John 3:16 in context. If you believe in Jesus and in Moses' magic snake pole, you'll go straight to heaven after you die. If not you're going to hell.

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Thanks to matt311 and wise fool for pointing out Jesus' belief in the cruel and stupid story in Numbers 21.

God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

When it comes to this Bible story, there are only two kinds of believers: those who have never heard of it, and those who are embarrassed by it.

Here's the story.

The Israelites began to complain about the lack of food and water.

And the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way. And the people spake against God, and against Moses, Wherefore have ye brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? for there is no bread, neither is there any water; and our soul loatheth this light bread. Numbers 21:4-5

So God sent fiery serpents to bite the people.

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people... Numbers 21:6a

And many of the people died.

... and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Numbers 21:6b

Then the people apologized to Moses and God for complaining, and they asked Moses to do something to get rid of God's nasty fiery serpents.

Therefore the people came to Moses, and said, We have sinned, for we have spoken against the LORD, and against thee; pray unto the LORD, that he take away the serpents from us. And Moses prayed for the people. Numbers 21:7

God told Moses what to do. Make a fiery serpent out of brass (they had lots of that lying around) and put it on a pole. Then when a bitten person looks at it, he or she won't die. (Only God could come up with a plan like that!)

And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live. Numbers 21:8

So Moses made a brass snake and put it on a pole. And it worked just like God said it would.

And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived. Numbers 21:8

Now that's a lot more entertaining than a damned holy war massacre, isn't it?

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If there is a believer who is actually proud of this story, I'd love to hear about it. The rest of you can just go on being embarrassed by it.

Well, I guess there are some believers that like this story, since it is highlighted in the Green Bible. I bet that's because it has snakes in it. God loves snakes.

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God's next killing: Phbinehas' double murder

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The Massacre of the Aradites

Don't you just hate God-assisted, holy war massacres? I do. They're so damned boring.

But we might as well get used to them because God likes them. A lot. There are about 50 holy war massacres on the list of God's 135 killings in the Bible. So there's just no way to avoid them.

Here's what happened in this one.

King Arad heard that the Israelites were coming, so he fought against them when they tried to invade his land.

When king Arad the Canaanite, which dwelt in the south, heard tell that Israel came by the way of the spies; then he fought against Israel, and took some of them prisoners. Numbers 21.1

So the Israelites asked God for help, promising to kill everyone in several cities.

Israel vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou wilt indeed deliver this people into my hand, then I will utterly destroy their cities. 21.2

God didn't have to think about this one. Here's how he responded.

The LORD hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites. 21:3a

So the Israelites, with God's help, killed everyone in several Canaantie cites.

And they utterly destroyed them and their cities. 21.3b

I'm glad we got this one over with. It was pretty boring, wasn't it?

God's next killing will be better, I promise.

The Bible doesn't tell us the population of the Aradite cities. So I guessed there were 3 cities, each with 1000 people, for a total of 3000 victims.

God's next killing: God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water

And they fell on their faces (FOF)

When I was writing about God's last killing (His 21st, for those keeping score), I noticed that people were often falling on their faces (especially when they saw the glory of the Lord). So it got me thinking. This seems to be something that people in the Bible often do. But how often?

Well, I found 33 FOF events in the Bible. But my favorite is this one, from the Book of Ezekiel.

And I saw ... the appearance of his loins....
This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD.
And when I saw it, I fell upon my face.... Ezekiel 1:27-28

Well, if I saw God's loins, I'd probably fall on my face too.

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Here is a response to this post from The Pathway Machine.

What to do with the C Street Republicans (1 Corinthians 5:1-5)

It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles [Democrats]...
In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ...
deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved... 1 Corinthians 5:1-5

It almost sounds like Paul was talking about the C Street Republicans [Sen. John Ensign (R-NV), Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC), and former Rep. Chip Pickering (R-MS)]. (Of course he wasn't really. He was talking about a believer that had sex with his father's wife. But close enough.)

Still, the passage isn't entirely clear to me.

Let's say we try to apply Paul's instructions to the C Street adulterers. How would be go about it?

• How do we deliver them to Satan in the name of Jesus? I'm not even sure where Satan lives these days. And even if we can find him, how can we be sure that it's really him?

• After Satan gets them how will he destroy their flesh? Will he burn them to death like God often does? Or will he bury them alive or give them a disease that causes their bowels to fall out?

• And when Satan destroys their flesh, how will that cause their spirits to be saved? If Satan causes their spirits to be saved, does that mean that Satan is their savior?

It's a bit confusing to me. But I think it's worth a try.

14,700 killed for complaining about God's killings

In case you haven't been following along, here's what has happened so far in Numbers 16.

• Korah and his companions question Moses' leadership, saying "Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?" (vv. 1-3)
• Moses falls on his face. (v.4)
• The glory of the Lord appears to the congregation.(v.19)
• God tells Moses to get out of the way because he's going to kill everyone. (vv.20-21)
• Moses and Aaron fall on their faces. (v.22)
• Korah, his companions, and their families are buried alive. (vv.27-33)
• God burns to death 250 men for burning incense. (v.35)

So, as you might expect, the people who had witnessed all this were pretty freaked out by now.

But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. (v.41)

Then "the glory of the Lord" appeared and God tells Moses he's going to kill everyone (again).

Behold ... the glory of the LORD appeared.
...
And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. (v.42-45a)

I think you can guess by now what Moses and Aaron did next.

They fell upon their faces. (v.45b)

Then Moses told Aaron to burn some incense to try to stop God from killing everyone. But God's plague had already started.

And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun. (v.46)

But the incense burning worked, sort of, anyway. (Sometimes God will stop killing if you burn incense; sometimes he'll burn you to death instead. He works in mysterious ways.) But not before 14,700 had died in the plague.

Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah. (v.49)

So in this chapter, God threatened to kill everyone twice, but settled for killing 14,962 instead in three separate killing events (a dozen or so buried alive, 250 burned to death, and 14,700 killed in a plague).

But don't complain about it or he'll kill you, too.

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God's next killing: The massacre of the Aradites

Mr. Deity and the Book

They don't even like to talk about the bad things they said you did in that book. They're embarrassed by it, too.

Have you noticed how few responses there are lately from believers to the God's Killings posts? I wonder if that's because they're embarrassed by it, too.

(If a Christian blog or website would like to respond to the God's Killings posts, I'll link to them from Dwindling in Unbelief and the Skeptic's Annotated Bible.)

250 burned alive for burning incense

In his last killing, God showed whose side he's on by opening up the ground and burying alive the leaders that opposed Moses (along with their families). And it made quite an impression on everyone.

All Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. Numbers 16.34

But they were safe, at least for the moment, because God had his mind on other victims.

Remember Moses' original plan for dealing with Korah's rebellion? He told him and his associates to burn incense before the Lord and let God choose who is holy.

This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy. 16.6-7

But then God came up with the burying alive thing and the censer-swinging, prayer contest was put on hold.
In the meantime, 250 of Korah's followers did as Moses asked and burned some incense. So God burned them all alive to teach them a lesson or something. (If you do what he says he'll burn you to death?)

There came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense. 16.35

At least I don't have to guess the number of victims this time.

God's next killing: 14,700 killed for complaining about God's killings

The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

Our story begins with Korah and his companions confronting Moses. Here's what they say to him.

Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16:3

So what do you suppose Moses did when he heard this? Well, he fell on his face, of course. (People are always falling on their faces in the Bible.)

And when Moses heard it, he fell upon his face. Numbers 16:4

And (while still on his face) offers this ingenious plan.

This do; Take you censers, Korah, and all his company; And put fire therein, and put incense in them before the LORD to morrow: and it shall be that the man whom the LORD doth choose, he shall be holy. Numbers 16:6-7

So they're going to have an old-fashioned, incense-swinging, prayer contest, where God picks the winner. How cool is that?

And they took every man his censer, and put fire in them, and laid incense thereon, and stood in the door of the tabernacle of the congregation with Moses and Aaron. Numbers 16:18

But before they start swinging their censers, God in all his glory showed up.

And the glory of the LORD appeared unto all the congregation. Numbers 16:19

So God, Moses, and Aaron call a time out to talk things over.

And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying, Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment. Numbers 16:20-21

Remember how, just a couple killings ago, God threatened to kill everyone for complaining? Yeah, well, he's back at it again. He tells Moses and Aaron to stand back and get the hell out of the way because he's going to kill everybody.

So what do you figure Moses and Aaron do when they hear that? Well, they fell on their faces, of course.

And they fell upon their faces... Numbers 16:22a

And (while still on their faces) try to talk God out of it (again).

...and said, O God, the God of the spirits of all flesh, shall one man sin, and wilt thou be wroth with all the congregation? Numbers 16:22b

And it seemed to work again, too, since they came up with a new game plan.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the congregation, saying, Get you up from about the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram.
...
So they gat up from the tabernacle of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, on every side: and Dathan and Abiram came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children. And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me
...
If these men die the common death of all men, or if they be visited after the visitation of all men; then the LORD hath not sent me. But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. Numbers 16:23-30

So God and Moses arrange this test. If Korah and his companions die a normal, natural death, then God didn't send Moses. But if they (and their families) are buried alive, then Moses is God's special friend.

The test proved to everyone that God is Moses' special friend (and that they should get the hell away from him before he buries them alive, too).

And it came to pass ... that the ground clave asunder that was under them: And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up.... They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. Numbers 16:31-34

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God's next killing: 250 burned to death for burning incense

Did Stephen Harper put Jesus in his pocket?

This is too funny.

Stephen Harper (the fundamentalist protestant Canadian prime minister) apparently pocketed a communion host while attended a funeral mass for Romeo LeBlanc. The poor guy probably wound up in line for communion (by mistake) and didn't know what the heck to do with the wafer that the priest gave him. So he stuck it in his pocket when he thought no one was looking.

But someone was looking and videotaped it. Now it's on Youtube for God and everyone to see. (Harper receives the sacred cracker at about the 30 second mark.)

It's not clear to me what happened to the holy host. Did he put it in his pocket to save for later?

Poor Harper was in deep shit once he got in communion line. Catholics think it is sacrilegious for a non-catholic to receive communion. So what's he going to do when the priest hands him a cracker? He can either eat it or pocket it. He's damned either way.

A man gathering sticks on the sabbath day

This one is pretty simple.

A man is caught gathering sticks on the Sabbath day.

While the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the Sabbath day. Numbers 15.32

The people ask Moses what to do about it.

They … brought him unto Moses and Aaron … because it was not declared what should be done to him. 15.33-34

God tells Moses that everyone must stone the Sabbath breaker to death.

The LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones. 15.35

So that's what they do.

All the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses. 15.36

Immediately after the stoning, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments.

The LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Speak unto the children of Israel, and bid them that they make them fringes in the borders of their garments throughout their generations, and that they put upon the fringe of the borders a ribband of blue. 15.37-38

You see, God wants us to put fringes on our garments so that when we see the purple fringes we'll say to ourselves, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to follow all of God's laws."

It shall be unto you for a fringe, that ye may look upon it, and remember all the commandments of the LORD, and do them. 15.39a

That way, when we see someone working on the Sabbath, we'll remember to stone him or her to death, on the spot, instead of following our own heart.

That ye seek not after your own heart and your own eyes. 15.39b

People who follow their hearts seldom stone people to death.

God's next killing: The opposing party is buried alive (along with their families)

The Parable of the Good Gay Guy

Can you imagine a modern-day preacher coming up with a parable about the good gay guy? (Iranian, black man, atheist,etc.) Most people would find that pretty offensive, since it implies that there aren't many good gay people. Why then aren't we also offended by the parable of the good Samaritan?

Here's a video that makes the point better than I ever could.

Ten scouts are killed for their honest report

OK this one requires a bit of explanation.

The story begins in chapter 13 where Moses sends out 12 scouts (one from each of the tribes of Israel) to check out the land of Canaan.

Moses sent them to spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many. Numbers 13:17-18

So the twelve spies go and do that.

When they get back, Caleb says

Let us go up at once, and possess it; for we are well able to overcome it. Numbers 13:30

But the other ten (the Bible doesn't say what Joshua said) disagree.

The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature. And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:32-33

So Caleb (and Joshua?) say it would be easy to take over the land of Canaan, while the other ten say it would be hard, since the people that live there are giants. (The scouts were like grasshoppers in comparison to them.)

When the people heard the reports, they believed the giant story and were a bit discouraged. So they decided to elect a new leader and go back to Egypt.

And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! ... And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. Numbers 14:1-4

Joshua and Caleb try to talk them out of it.

And Joshua ... and Caleb ... rent their clothes ... saying, The land, which we passed through to search it, is an exceeding good land. If the LORD delight in us, then he will bring us into this land, and give it us; a land which floweth with milk and honey. Numbers 14:6-8

But the people weren't buying it. They didn't want to fight any damned giants. So they decide to stone Joshua and Caleb (with stones).

All the congregation bade stone them with stones. Numbers 14:10

And then God gets involved. He tells Moses that he's sick of their whining, so he's going to kill them all. He'll smite them with the pestilence and then make some better people to replace them. People who wouldn't whine so God damned much.

And the LORD said unto Moses, How long will this people provoke me? ... I will smite them with the pestilence, and disinherit them, and will make of thee a greater nation and mightier than they. Numbers 14:11-12

But Moses talks him out of it. He says the Egyptians will hear about it and say that God couldn't get the people to obey him so he had to kill them all. How would that look to the neighbors?

And Moses said unto the LORD, Then the Egyptians shall hear it ... And they will tell it to the inhabitants of this land ... Because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land which he sware unto them, therefore he hath slain them in the wilderness. Numbers 14:13-16

So God decided not to kill everyone. Not yet, anyway. But he says that he'll make sure that all their carcasses rot in the wilderness (at least all those that are over 20 years old).

Your carcases shall fall in this wilderness; and all that were numbered of you, according to your whole number, from twenty years old and upward which have murmured against me ... But as for you, your carcases, they shall fall in this wilderness. And your children shall wander in the wilderness forty years ... the LORD have said, I will surely do it unto all this evil congregation, that are gathered together against me: in this wilderness they shall be consumed, and there they shall die. Numbers 14:29-35

And that would have been the end of the story, except that God was still pissed off about those ten scouts, even though they were just doing their jobs ("To spy out the land of Canaan ... And see the land, what it is, and the people that dwelleth therein, whether they be strong or weak, few or many."). So he killed them in a plague.

And the men, which Moses sent to search the land, who returned, and made all the congregation to murmur against him, by bringing up a slander upon the land, Even those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:36-37

But God isn't quite finished yet. To further punish the Israelites for whining and plotting against Moses, God will send the Amelekites and Canaanites to smite them.

Ye shall fall by the sword: because ye are turned away from the LORD ... Then the Amalekites ... and the Canaanites ... smote them. 14:43-45

(Since the Bible doesn't say how many Israelites were killed by the Amalekites and Canaanites, I'll just add another 100 to God's total -- along with the ten honest spies -- for a total of 110.)

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This killing is highlighted in the Poverty and Justice Bible. Here's how they put it.

Ten of the men sent to explore the land had brought back bad news and had made the people complain against the Lord. So he sent a deadly disease that killed those men, but he let Joshua and Caleb live.

This verse was highlighted because it shows God's justice. If you bring back bad news, God will kill you with a deadly disease.

God's next killing: A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath