The Bible's Fortune Cookie Commandments

I've named this category of commandments in honor of Antonin Scalia's famous footnote (#22) in his dissent to the Obergefell v. Hodges opinion, which reads:

The Supreme Court of the United States has descended from the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and Joseph Story to the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie.

Fortune Cookie Commandments

(In biblical order)

Don't be wicked in the sight of the Lord.

And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him. Genesis 38:7

Be holy.

Ye shall be holy men unto me. Exodus 22:31

I am the Lord your God: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and ye shall be holy; for I am holy. ... Ye shall therefore be holy, for I am holy. Leviticus 11:44-45

Ye shall be holy: for I the LORD your God am holy. Leviticus 19:2

Sanctify yourselves therefore, and be ye holy. Leviticus 20:7

Ye shall be holy unto me. Leviticus 20:26

Sanctify now yourselves.... 2 Chronicles 29:5

God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness. 1 Thessalonians 4:7

Follow ... holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

Be ye holy; for I am holy. 1 Peter 1:16

Don't be stiffnecked.

Be no more stiffnecked. Deuteronomy 10:16

Now be ye not stiffnecked, as your fathers were. 2 Chronicles 30:8

Don't observe times.

There shall not be found among you ... an observer of times. Deuteronomy 18:10

Manasseh ... did that which was evil in the sight of the LORD. ... For he ... observed times. 2 Chronicles 22:1-6

Don't be a charmer.

There shall not be found among you ... a charmer. Deuteronomy 18:10-11

Be perfect.

Thou shalt be perfect with the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 18:13

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Matthew 4:48

Be perfect. 2 Corinthians 13:11

Don't remove your neighbor's landmark.

Thou shalt not remove thy neighbour's landmark, which they of old time have set in thine inheritance, which thou shalt inherit in the land that the LORD thy God giveth thee to possess it. Deuteronomy 19:14

Cursed be he that removeth his neighbour's landmark. And all the people shall say, Amen. Deuteronomy 27:17

Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set. Proverbs 22:28

Remove not the old landmark. Proverbs 23:10

Rejoice.

Thou shalt rejoice in every good thing which the LORD thy God hath given unto thee. Deuteronomy 26:11

Rejoice with trembling. Psalm 2:11

Rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart. Psalm 32:11

Rejoice in the LORD, O ye righteous. Psalm 33:1

Rejoice before him. Psalm 68:4

Rejoice in the LORD, ye righteous. Psalm 97:12

Rejoice. Psalm 98:4

Be glad and rejoice. Joel 2:21

Be glad then, ye children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God. Joel 2:23

Be glad and rejoice with all the heart, O daughter of Jerusalem. Zephaniah 3:14

Rejoice, O daughter of Zion. Zechariah 2:10

Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion. Zechariah 9:9

Rejoicing in hope. Romans 12:12

Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice. Philippians 4:4

Rejoice evermore. 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Take twelve stones from the Jordan River as a memorial forever.

Take you hence out of the midst of Jordan, out of the place where the priests' feet stood firm, twelve stones, and ye shall carry them over with you, and leave them in the lodging place, where ye shall lodge this night.

Then Joshua called the twelve men, whom he had prepared of the children of Israel, out of every tribe a man:

And Joshua said unto them, Pass over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of Jordan, and take you up every man of you a stone upon his shoulder, according unto the number of the tribes of the children of Israel:

That this may be a sign among you, that when your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean ye by these stones?

Then ye shall answer them, That the waters of Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it passed over Jordan, the waters of Jordan were cut off: and these stones shall be for a memorial unto the children of Israel for ever.

And the children of Israel did so as Joshua commanded, and took up twelve stones out of the midst of Jordan, as the Lord spake unto Joshua, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, and carried them over with them unto the place where they lodged, and laid them down there.

And Joshua set up twelve stones in the midst of Jordan, in the place where the feet of the priests which bare the ark of the covenant stood: and they are there unto this day. Joshua 4:3-9

Show your children the twelve stones.

(To remind them about how they should fear God forever.)

And those twelve stones, which they took out of Jordan, did Joshua pitch in Gilgal.

And he spake unto the children of Israel, saying, When your children shall ask their fathers in time to come, saying, What mean these stones?

Then ye shall let your children know, saying, Israel came over this Jordan on dry land.

For the Lord your God dried up the waters of Jordan from before you, until ye were passed over, as the Lord your God did to the Red sea, which he dried up from before us, until we were gone over:

That all the people of the earth might know the hand of the Lord, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the Lord your God for ever. Joshua 4:20-24

Don't touch the ark.

The anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzza, and he smote him, because he put his hand to the ark: and there he died before God. 1 Chronicles 13:10

Don't touch the Lord's anointed.

Touch not mine anointed. 1 Chronicles 16:22, Psalm 105:15

Remove the filthiness from the holy place.

Carry forth the filthiness out of the holy place. 2 Chronicles 29:5b

Kiss the Son.

Kiss the Son, lest he be angry, and ye perish from the way, when his wrath is kindled but a little. Psalm 2:12

Stand in awe.

Stand in awe. Psalm 4:4

Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him. Psalm 33:8

Commune with your own heart upon your bed.

Commune with your own heart upon your bed. Psalm 4:4

Offer the sacrifices of righteousness.

Offer the sacrifices of righteousness. Psalm 4:5

Walk around Zion.

Walk about Zion. Psalm 48:12

Listen to Psalm 49.

Hear this, all ye people; give ear, all ye inhabitants of the world Psalm 49:1

Don't harden your heart.

Harden not your heart. Psalm 95:8

Make a loud noise.

Make a loud noise. Psalm 98:4

Don't be afraid of sudden fear.

(You have nothing to fear but fear itself.)

Be not afraid of sudden fear. Proverbs 3:25

Don't be afraid of the desolation of the wicked.

Be not afraid ... of the desolation of the wicked. Proverbs 3:25

Keep an eye on your heart.

Keep thy heart with all diligence. Proverbs 4:23

Let your fountains run into the streets.

Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Proverbs 5:16

Look straight ahead.

Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Proverbs 4:25

Watch your step.

Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. Proverbs 4:26

Make no right or left turns.

Turn not to the right hand nor to the left. Proverbs 4:27

If you step in something evil, remove your foot.

Remove thy foot from evil. Proverbs 4:27

Drink from your own well.

Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Proverbs 5:15

Don't share your fountains with strangers.

Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Proverbs 5:17

Let your fountain be blessed.

Let thy fountain be blessed. Proverbs 5:18

Learn from the ant, you sluggard.

Go to the ant, thou sluggard; consider her ways, and be wise: Which having no guide, overseer, or ruler, Provideth her meat in the summer, and gathereth her food in the harvest. Proverbs 6:6-8

Don't reprove a scorner.

Reprove not a scorner, lest he hate thee. Proverbs 9:8

Teach a just man.

Teach a just man, and he will increase in learning. Proverbs 9:9

Smite a scorner.

Smite a scorner, and the simple will beware. Proverbs 19:25

When you eat dinner with an important person, think about what to say and don't overeat.

When thou sittest to eat with a ruler, consider diligently what is before thee: And put a knife to thy throat, if thou be a man given to appetite. Be not desirous of his dainties: for they are deceitful meat.Proverbs 23:1-3

Don't eat bread with anyone who has an evil eye.

Eat thou not the bread of him that hath an evil eye, neither desire thou his dainty meats. Proverbs 23:6

Don't look at the wine while it is red.

(Or you'll see strange women and say perverse things.)

Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright. At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder. Thine eyes shall behold strange women, and thine heart shall utter perverse things. Proverbs 23:31-33

Kiss on the lips whoever has the right answer.

Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer. Proverbs 24:26

Complete your outdoor work before building your house.

Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house. Proverbs 24:27

Stay out of your neighbor's house.

Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee. Proverbs 25:17

Whip horses, bridle donkeys, and beat fools with a rod.

A whip for the horse, a bridle for the ass, and a rod for the fool's back. Proverbs 26:3

When disaster strikes, don't ask your brother for help. Ask your neighbor instead.

Neither go into thy brother's house in the day of thy calamity: for better is a neighbour that is near than a brother far off. Proverbs 27:10

Don't be overly wicked.

Be not over much wicked. Ecclesiastes 7:17

Don't be overly righteous.

Be not righteous over much. Ecclesiastes 7:16

Don't stand in an evil thing.

Stand not in an evil thing. Ecclesiastes 8:3

Always have some ointment on your head.

Let thy head lack no ointment. Ecclesiastes 9:8

Cast your bread upon the waters.

Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. Ecclesiastes 11:1

Give some to seven or eight.

Give a portion to seven, and also to eight; for thou knowest not what evil shall be upon the earth. Ecclesiastes 11:2

Wash yourself.

Wash you, make you clean. Isaiah 1:16

Cleanse your hands, ye sinners. James 4:8

Seek judgment.

Seek judgment. Isaiah 1:17

Bind up the testimony.

Bind up the testimony. Isaiah 8:16

Seal the law among Isaiah's disciples.

Seal the law among my disciples. Isaiah 8:16

Howl.

Howl ye; for the day of the LORD is at hand; it shall come as a destruction from the Almighty. Isaiah 13:6

Howl, O gate; cry, O city; thou, whole Palestina, art dissolved: for there shall come from the north a smoke, and none shall be alone in his appointed times. Isaiah 14:31

Howl, ye ships of Tarshish; for it is laid waste. Isaiah 23:1

Howl, ye inhabitants of the isle. Isaiah 23:6

Howl, ye shepherds, and cry; and wallow yourselves in the ashes, ye principal of the flock: for the days of your slaughter and of your dispersions are accomplished; and ye shall fall like a pleasant vessel. Jeremaiah 25:34

Howl and cry; tell ye it in Arnon, that Moab is spoiled. Jeremaiah 48:20

Howl, O Heshbon, for Ai is spoiled: cry, ye daughters of Rabbah, gird you with sackcloth; lament, and run to and fro by the hedges. Jeremaiah 49:3

Babylon is suddenly fallen and destroyed: howl for her. Jeremaiah 51:8

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Howl ye, Woe worth the day! Ezekiel 30:2

Howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth. Joel 1:5

Be ye ashamed, O ye husbandmen; howl, O ye vinedressers. Joel 1:11

Howl, ye ministers of the altar: come, lie all night in sackcloth. Joel 1:13

Howl, ye inhabitants of Maktesh, for all the merchant people are cut down; all they that bear silver are cut off. Zephaniah 1:11

Go to now, ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you. James 5:1

Don't trust anyone. Not even your family, friends, or neighbors.

Take ye heed every one of his neighbour, and trust ye not in any brother: for every brother will utterly supplant, and every neighbour will walk with slanders. And they will deceive every one his neighbour, and will not speak the truth: they have taught their tongue to speak lies, and weary themselves to commit iniquity. Thine habitation is in the midst of deceit; through deceit they refuse to know me, saith the Lord. Jeremiah 9:4-6

Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide. Micah 7:5

Don't be afraid of heathens.

Be not afraid of them [heathens]; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good. Jeremiah 10:5

Don't worry about the signs of heaven.

Be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. Jeremiah 10:2

Don't cry.

Thus saith the LORD; Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the LORD; and they shall come again from the land of the enemy. Jeremiah 31:16

Keep yourself and your daughters busy.

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom ... abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters. Ezekiel 14:49

Don't commit abominations in front of God.

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom ... they .... committed abomination before me. Ezekiel 14:49-50

Deal truly.

If a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right ... to deal truly. Ezekiel 18:5-8

Cast away the abominations of your eyes.

Cast ye away every man the abominations of his eyes. Ezekiel 20:7

Mourn like a virgin in sackcloth for the husband of her youth.

Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth. Joel 1:8

Mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. James 4:9

Sanctify a fast.

Sanctify ye a fast. Joel 1:14

Sanctify a fast. Joel 2:15

Call a solemn assembly.

Call a solemn assembly, gather the elders and all the inhabitants of the land into the house of the LORD your God. Joel 1:14

Call a solemn assembly. Gather the people ... assemble the elders, gather the children, and those that suck the breasts: let the bridegroom go forth of his chamber, and the bride out of her closet. Joel 2:15-16

Assemble yourselves, and come, all ye heathen, and gather yourselves together round about: thither cause thy mighty ones to come down, O LORD. Let the heathen be wakened. Joel 3:11-12

Gather yourselves together, yea, gather together, O nation not desired. Zephanaiah 2:3

Blow a trumpet in Zion.

Blow ye the trumpet in Zion. Joel 2:1

Blow the trumpet in Zion. Joel 2:15-16

Sound an alarm on God's holy mountain.

Sound an alarm in my holy mountain. Joel 2:1

Blow the trumpet in Zion, sanctify a fast, call a solemn assembly. Gather the people, sanctify the congregation, assemble the elders, gather the children, and those that suck the breasts: let the bridegroom go forth of his chamber, and the bride out of her closet. Joel 2:15-16

Assemble yourselves, and come, all ye heathen, and gather yourselves together round about: thither cause thy mighty ones to come down, O LORD. Let the heathen be wakened. Joel 3:11-12

Gather yourselves together, yea, gather together, O nation not desired. Zephanaiah 2:3

Sanctify the congregation.

Sanctify the congregation. Joel 2:16

Offer your body as a sacrifice to God.

Present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God. Romans 12:1

Be transformed by renewing your mind.

Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind. Romans 12:2

Be fervent in spirit.

Be ... fervent in spirit. Romans 12:10-11

Be patient in tribulation.

Be ... patient in tribulation. Romans 12:10-12

Agree with everyone about everything.

Be of the same mind one toward another. Romans 12:16

All speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment. 1 Corinthians 1:10

Be of one mind. 2 Corinthians 13:11

Stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel. Phillipians 1:27

Be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Phillipians 2:2

Do all things without ... disputings. Phillipians 2:14

Be ye all of one mind. 1 Peter 3:8

Hang out with the little people.

Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Romans 12:16

Please your neighbor.

Let every one of us please his neighbour for his good to edification. Romans 15:2

Don't glory in men.

Let no man glory in men. 1 Corinthians 3:21

Purge out the old leaven and become a new lump.

Purge out therefore the old leaven, that ye may be a new lump, as ye are unleavened. 1 Corinthians 5:7

Don't murmur.

Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer. 1 Corinthians 10:10

Do all things without murmurings. Philippians 2:14

Don't offend Jews, Gentiles, or the church.

Give none offence, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God: 1 Corinthians 10:28

Be children in malice.

Howbeit in malice be ye children. 1 Corinthians 14:20

If you are ignorant, stay ignorant.

If any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant. 1 Corinthians 14:38

Do everything decently and in order.

Let all things be done decently and in order. 1 Corinthians 14:40

Greet each other with a holy kiss.

Greet ye one another with an holy kiss. 1 Corinthians 16:20

Greet one another with an holy kiss. 2 Corinthians 13:12

Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss. 1 Thessalonians 5:26

Greet ye one another with a kiss of charity. 1 Peter 5:14

Cleanse yourself of all filthiness of flesh and spirit.

Let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God. 2 Corinthians 7:1

Be of good comfort.

Be of good comfort. 2 Corinthians 13:11

Comfort your hearts. 2 Thessalonians 2:17

Be led by the Spirit.

(If you're led by the spirit, you don't have to follow the law.)

If ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law. Galatians 5:18

Don't use your liberty to satisfy the flesh.

Use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh. Galatians 5:13

If you bite and devour one another, make sure you don't get eaten yourself.

If ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another. Galatians 5:15

Walk in the spirit.

(If you do, you'll never fulfill the lusts of the flesh.)

Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. Galatians 5:25

If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Galatians 5:16

Prove your own work.

Let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. Galatians 6:4

Share good things with your teacher.

Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things. Galatians 6:6

Don't joke.

Let it not be once named among you ... jesting. Ephesians 5:3-4

Give thanks.

Neither ... but rather giving of thanks. Ephesians 5:4

Be ye thankful. Colossians 3:15

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I exhort therefore, that ... and giving of thanks. 1 Timothy 2:1

Don't hang out with the children of disobedience.

(e.g., whoremongers, unclean, covetous idolaters)

For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. Be not ye therefore partakers with them. Ephesians 5:7

Walk as children of light.

Walk as children of light. Ephesians 5:8

Prove what is acceptable to the Lord.

Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:10

Don't have fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness.

Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness. Ephesians 5:11

Reprove the unfruitful works of darkness.

Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. Ephesians 5:11

Don't talk about the secret things done by the unfruitful works of darkness.

Have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. Ephesians 5:11-12

Wake up.

Awake thou that sleepest ... and Christ shall give thee light. Ephesians 5:14

Arise from the dead.

Arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. Ephesians 5:14

Walk circumspectly.

Walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise Ephesians 5:15

Redeem the time.

(Because the days are evil.)

Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:16

Redeeming the time. Colossians 4:5

Talk to yourself using psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs.

Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. Ephesians 5:19

Submit yourselves to one another.

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21

Beware of dogs.

Beware of dogs. Philiippians 3:2

Stand fast in the Lord.

Stand fast in the Lord. Philiippians 4:4

Let everyone know how moderate you are.

Let your moderation be known unto all men. Philiippians 4:5

Don't worry.

Be careful for nothing. Philiippians 4:6

Seek things that are above, not on things on the earth.

If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. Colossians 3:1-2

Mortify your members.

Mortify therefore your members which are upon the earth. Colossians 3:5

Don't be inordinately affectionate.

...inordinate affection ... For which things' sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience Colossians 3:5-6

Don't be unclean.

...uncleanness ...For which things' sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience. Colossians 3:5-6

God hath not called us unto uncleanness. 1 Thessalonians 4:7

Walk in wisdom toward nonbelievers.

Walk in wisdom toward them that are without. Colossians 4:5

Comfort one another with the words in 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17.

Comfort one another with these words [in the previous three verses]. 1 Thessalonians 4:18

For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17

Comfort yourselves together. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Don't sleep.

Let us not sleep, as do others. 1 Thessalonians 5:6

Warn the unruly.

Warn them that are unruly. 1 Thessalonians 5:14

Don't quench the Spirit.

Quench not the Spirit. 1 Thessalonians 5:19

Don't lay your hands suddenly on anyone.

Lay hands suddenly on no man. 1 Timothy 5:22

Keep yourself pure.

Keep thyself pure. 1 Timothy 5:22

Try to be godly.

Follow after ... godliness. 1 Timothy 6:11

Hold on to eternal life.

Lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:12

Partake in the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God.

Be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God. 2 Timothy 1:8

Endure afflictions. 2 Timothy 4:5

Don't be ashamed of the author of Second Timothy.

Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner. 2 Timothy 1:8

Hold fast to the words of the author of Second Timothy.

Hold fast the form of sound words, which thou hast heard of me, in faith and love which is in Christ Jesus. 2 Timothy 1:13

The things that thou hast heard of me among many witnesses, the same commit thou to faithful men, who shall be able to teach others also. 2 Timothy 2:2

Consider what I say; and the Lord give thee understanding in all things. 2 Timothy 2:7

Of these things put them in remembrance. 2 Timothy 2:14

Endure hardness.

Endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. 2 Timothy 2:3

Study to show that you are approved by God.

(Rightly dividing the word of truth, so you won't have to be ashamed.)

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. 2 Timothy 2:15

Meekly instruct those that oppose themselves.

(So they can free themselves from the the snare of the devil.)

In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth; And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will. 2 Timothy 2:25-26

Watch everything.

Watch thou in all things 2 Timothy 4:5

Be an evangelist.

Do the work of an evangelist. 2 Timothy 4:5

Prove your ministry.

Make full proof of thy ministry. 2 Timothy 4:5

Rebuke the Cretans.

(Because the people who live on the island of Crete are all liars, evil beasts, and slow bellies.)

The Cretians are alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies. This witness is true. Wherefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith. Titus 1:12

Tell young men to be sober-minded.

Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. Titus 2:6

Don't let anyone despise you.

Let no man despise thee. Titus 2:15

Don't lose your confidence.

Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward. Hebrews 10:35

Lift up your hands and knees.

lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees. Hebrews 12:12

Don't forget to entertain strangers.

(Some have unknowingly entertained strangers.)

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:2

Make straight paths for your feet.

Make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed. Hebrews 12:12-13

Don't make a mistake.

Do not err, my beloved brethren. James 1:16

Don't be filthy and naughty.

Lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness. James 1:21

Receive with meekness the planted word.

Receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:21

Purify your heart.

Purify your hearts, ye double minded. James 4:8

Be afflicted.

Be afflicted. James 4:9

Grudge not.

Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned James 5:9

If you are merry, sing psalms.

Is any merry? let him sing psalms. James 5:13

Don't fashion yourself according to your ignorant former lusts.

As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance. 1 Peter 1:14

Gird up the loins of your mind.

Gird up the loins of your mind. 1 Peter 1:13

Desire the sincere milk of the word.

As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby. 1 Peter 2:2

Be pitiful.

Be pitiful. 1 Peter 3:8

Everyone should be subject to everyone else.

Yea, all of you be subject one to another 1 Peter 5:5

Test spirits to see if they are from God.

Try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

Save others by pulling them out of the fire, while hating their garments that are spotted by the flesh.

Others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh. Jude 23

Hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches. Revelation 2:7, 11, 17, 29; 3:6, 13, 22

The Bible's commandments on marriage

(In Biblical order)

Don't commit adultery.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. Exodus 20:14, Deuteronomy 5:18, Romans 13:9

Jesus said, ... Thou shalt not commit adultery. Matthew 19:18

Do not commit adultery. Mark 10:19

If a man takes another wife, he must continue to feed, clothe, and have sex with his first wife.

If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish. Exodus 21:10

Maimonides #124: Not to withhold food, clothing, and sexual relations from your wife — Ex. 21:10

If, after taking a second wife, a man fails to feed, clothe, and have sex with his first wife, he must set her free.

And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money. Exodus 21:11

If you seduce and have sex with an unmarried woman, you must marry her.

If a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. Exodus 22:16

Maimonides #131: The court must fine one who sexually seduces a maiden — Ex. 22:15-16

If her father refuses to give her to you, you must pay him the customary price for virgins.

If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins. Exodus 22:17

Don't marry your wife's sister while your wife is still alive.

Neither shalt thou take a wife to her sister, to vex her, to uncover her nakedness, beside the other in her life time. Leviticus 18:18

Maimonides #154: Not to have sexual relations with your wife's sister — Lev. 18:18

The Law of Jealousies: What a man must do when he suspects that his wife has been unfaithful.

If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them, If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner; And the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him, and he be jealous of his wife, and she be not defiled: Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon; for it is an offering of jealousy, an offering of memorial, bringing iniquity to remembrance. Numbers 5:11-15

The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water."

And the priest shall bring her near, and set her before the Lord: And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water: And the priest shall set the woman before the Lord, and uncover the woman's head, and put the offering of memorial in her hands, which is the jealousy offering: and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse: Numbers 5:16-18

If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell.

And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband: Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The Lord make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the Lord doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell; And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. And the priest shall write these curses in a book, and he shall blot them out with the bitter water: And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse: and the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter. Then the priest shall take the jealousy offering out of the woman's hand, and shall wave the offering before the Lord, and offer it upon the altar: And the priest shall take an handful of the offering, even the memorial thereof, and burn it upon the altar, and afterward shall cause the woman to drink the water. And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. Numbers 5:19-27

If the woman is innocent, no harm done -- she is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity."

And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled; Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the Lord, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law. Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.Numbers 5:28-31

Don't marry non-believers.

Neither shalt thou make marriages with them ... For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly. Deuteronomy 7:3-4

And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not ... take their daughters ... for yourselves. Nehemiah 13:25

Maimonides #162: Not to marry non-Jews — Deut. 7:3

Don't let your children marry non-believers.

Thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly. Deuteronomy 7:3-4

The land, unto which ye go to possess it, is an unclean land with the filthiness of the people of the lands, with their abominations, which have filled it from one end to another with their uncleanness. Now therefore give not your daughters unto their sons, neither take their daughters unto your sons. Ezra 9:11-12

And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons. Nehemiah 13:25

If you have two wives, one beloved and another hated, and your firstborn son was born of your hated wife, then give him twice the inheritance of your beloved wife's firstborn son.

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated, and they have born him children, both the beloved and the hated; and if the firstborn son be hers that was hated: Then it shall be, when he maketh his sons to inherit that which he hath, that he may not make the son of the beloved firstborn before the son of the hated, which is indeed the firstborn: But he shall acknowledge the son of the hated for the firstborn, by giving him a double portion of all that he hath: for he is the beginning of his strength; the right of the firstborn is his. Deuteronomy 21:15-17

If a man accuses his wife of not being a virgin on her wedding night, and her parents are unable to produce the bloody sheets to disprove the accusation, then the men of the city shall stone her to death.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; ... But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

Maimonides #122: To marry a wife by means of ketubah and kiddushin — Deut. 22:13

If a man falsely accuses his wife of not being a virgin on her wedding night, then he can never divorce her and he must pay her father 100 shekels of silver.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. Deuteronomy 22:13-19

Maimonides #134: The slanderer must remain married to his wife — Deut. 22:19
Maimonides #135: He must not divorce her — Deut. 22:19

If a man is found raping an unmarried virgin, he must marry her, give her father fifty shekels, and never divorce her.

If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife." Deuteronomy 22:28-29

Maimonides #134: The rapist must marry his victim if she is unwed — Deut. 22:29
Maimonides #134: He is never allowed to divorce her — Deut. 22:29

If you take a wife, and you find some uncleanness in her, then divorce her and kick her out of your house.

When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house. Deuteronomy 24:1

Maimonides #126: To issue a divorce by means of a Get document — Deut. 24:1

A divorced wife may marry another man, but if her new husband divorces her because he hates her too (or if he dies), then her former husband must not remarry her.

(That would be an abomination to God.)

And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife. And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD. Deuteronomy 24:2-4

Maimonides #127: A man must not remarry his ex-wife after she has married someone else — Deut. 24:4

When a man takes a new wife, he shall not fight in war or do any business; he shall be free for one year to cheer up his new wife.

When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken. Deuteronomy 24:5

Maimonides #608: He who has taken a wife, built a new home, or planted a vineyard is given a year to rejoice with his possessions — Deut. 24:5

If a man dies before his wife has a child, the widow must marry her dead husband's brother.

If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her. Deuteronomy 25:5

Maimonides #128: To perform yibbum (marry the widow of one's childless brother) — Deut. 25:5

When a man marries his dead brother's wife, the firstborn son receives the dead brother's name.

And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel. Deuteronomy 25:6

If a man refuses to "go in unto" his dead brother's wife, she shall loosen his shoe and spit in his face.

And if the man like not to take his brother's wife, then let his brother's wife go up to the gate unto the elders, and say, My husband's brother refuseth to raise up unto his brother a name in Israel, he will not perform the duty of my husband's brother. Then the elders of his city shall call him, and speak unto him: and if he stand to it, and say, I like not to take her; Then shall his brother's wife come unto him in the presence of the elders, and loose his shoe from off his foot, and spit in his face, and shall answer and say, So shall it be done unto that man that will not build up his brother's house. Deuteronomy 25:7-9

Maimonides #129: To perform halizah (free the widow of one's childless brother from yibbum) — Deut. 25:9

A man who refuses to have sex with his dead brother's wife shall be called "him that has his shoe loosed."

And his name shall be called in Israel, The house of him that hath his shoe loosed. Deuteronomy 25:10

Put away your strange ex-wives.

We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land ... Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives ... according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law. Ezra 10:2-3

Rejoice with your wife.

Rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Proverbs 5:18

Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest. Ecclesiastes 9:9

Be satisfied with your wife's breasts.

Let her [your wife] be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love. Proverbs 5:19

Don't talk to your wife.

Keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom. Micah 7:5

Be kind to your wife.

Let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. ... Take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. Malachi 2:15-16

Don't divorce your wife (unless she has fornicated).

(If you divorce your wife, you cause her to commit adultery.)

Whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery. Matthew 5:32

Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery. Matthew 19:9

Don't marry a divorced woman.

(If you do, you are committing adultery.)

Whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. Matthew 5:32

Whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Matthew 19:9

Don't divorce your wife (even if she has fornicated).

(If you divorce her, you both commit adultery.)

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. ... And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery. Mark 10:9-12

If you can't control yourself, get married.

(It's better to marry than to burn.)

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2

I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

If you're not married, don't get married.

I would that all men were even as I myself. 1 Corinthians 7:7

I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. 1 Corinthians 7:8

Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment ... it is good for a man so to be. 1 Corinthians 7:25-26

Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. 1 Corinthians 7:27

A married believer should stay with an unbelieiving spouse, unless the unbelieving spouse decides to leave.

If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. ... But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 1 Corinthians 7:12-15

If you are married, don't have sex.

(There's no time for it. Jesus is coming.)

The time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none. 1 Corinthians 7:29

Have sex whenever your spouse requires it.

(To avoid fornication and Satan's temptation.)

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication ... Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. ... Defraud ye not one the other ... that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5

Wives, obey your husbands (as though they were Jesus).

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. Ephesians 5:22

As the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Ephesians 5:24

Let ... the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Colossians 3:18

Ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands. 1 Peter 3:1

Husbands, love your wife (like you love your own body).

Husbands, love your wives. Ephesians 5:25

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. Ephesians 5:28

Let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself. Ephesians 5:33

Husbands, honor your wife.

(As the weaker vessel.)

Ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, 1 Peter 3:7

How many animals must you sacrifice to God each year? (According to the Bible)

There are 85 commandments in the Bible that involve animal sacrifice, and some of the instructions are a bit hard to follow. So I'll try to summarize them for you.

Here are the sacrifices that everyone must make. (See the links for the details.)

• Two lambs every day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

• Two lambs every Saturday.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs on the first day of every month.

• One bull, one ram, and six lambs on each new moon.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs at harvest time.

• One bull, two rams, nine lambs, and a goat fifty days after harvest.

• One bull, one ram, seven lambs, and a young goat on the first day of the seventh month.

• Twelve bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the second day of the seventh month.

• Eleven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the third day of the seventh month.

• Ten bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the fourth day of the seventh month.

• Nine bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the fifth day of the seventh month.

• Eight bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the sixth day of the seventh month.

• Seven bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a goat on the seventh day of the seventh month.

• One bull, two rams, seven lambs, and a goat on the eighth day of the seventh month.

• One bull, one ram, seven lambs, and a young goat on the tenth day of the seventh month.

• Thirteen bulls, two rams, fourteen lambs, and a young goat on the fifteenth day of the seventh month.

• On the tenth day of the first month (Nisan), find an unblemished lamb and kill it on the evening of the 14th day.

• Two bulls, one ram, and seven lambs on each of the seven days of Passover.

• One bull, one ram, and one goat on Yom Kippur.

So to obey God, you must kill 1367 animals each year -- 127 bulls, 53 rams, 1175 lambs, and 12 goats.

And that's just the baseline. Other animal sacrifices are required in special circumstances. For example:

• If a woman has an unusually long (more than seven days) or irregular menstrual flow, she must kill two doves or pigeons, one as a sin offering and the other as a burnt offering.

• After childbirth, the mother must kill a lamb for a burnt offering and a dove or pigeon for a sin offering.

• On the eighth day after a man recovers from having an infected penis, he must bring two doves or two pigeons to a priest who will kill one for a sin offering and one for a burnt offering.

• On the eighth day after recovering from leprosy, you must kill two unblemished rams and one year-old unblemished lamb If you can't afford the rams and lamb, kill two doves or pigeons instead. (Either way, be sure to have a priest smear the animal's blood on the tip of your right ear, and on your right thumb, and on your right big toe.)

• All of your firstborn donkeys must be redeemed either by killing a lamb or breaking the donkey's neck.

• If you break certain commandments, then you must confess that you have sinned and kill a female lamb or young goat as a trespass offering. If you can't afford a lamb, kill two doves or pigeons instead.

• If you sin against your neighbor by lying, stealing, or violence, kill an unblemished ram as a trespass offering.

• If you sin through ignorance, kill a young unblemished female sheep or goat.

• If you sin without knowing it, you are still guilty. Kill an unblemished ram for a trespass offering.

• If you unknowingly defile some holy things, kill an unblemished ram or pay the priests whatever such a ram is worth. In addition you must pay the priests a 20% fine.

OK, that's pretty much it. It's enough to get you started, anyway.

Just make sure that you do all of these sacrifices. Otherwise God will smite you with hemorrhoids, have your wife raped, and force you eat your own children.

Jesus self-identifies as white (according to the Bible, anyway)

According to Don Asmussen at Bad Reporter, Jesus and his dad disagree about Jesus's race. Jesus self-identifies as white; his father says he is Middle Eastern.

But what does the Bible say about it?

Well, there's not much to go on in the gospels. Jesus didn't say anything about his race, and neither did his father or anyone else. But all that changes in the book of Revelation.

Jesus completely comes out and self-identifies as white in the first chapter of Revelation. Here's what he said:

Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth ... Saying, I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last ... And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned, I saw ... one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire; And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters. And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength. And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead. And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last: I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death. Revelation 1:5-17

So that pretty much settles it. Jesus is white -- as white as snow. (He also has flame-red eyes, feet of brass, seven stars in his hand, the keys to hell and death, and a sword sticking out of his mouth.)

Here's his self-portrait.

(From The Brick Testament)

Alma 49: A Gigantic Wall

In the last chapter, the Lamanites were getting ready to fight Moroni and his people. But when they approached the city of Ammonihah, they realized that they couldn't kill them, because Moroni's army had built a huge dirt wall around the city. The wall was so high that the Lamanites couldn't throw rocks or shoot arrows over it effectively, except near the entrance.

And now it came to pass in the eleventh month of the nineteenth year, on the tenth day of the month, the armies of the Lamanites were seen approaching towards the land of Ammonihah. Alma 49:1 

And behold, the city had been rebuilt, and Moroni had stationed an army by the borders of the city, and they had cast up dirt round about to shield them from the arrows and the stones of the Lamanites; for behold, they fought with stones and with arrows. Alma 49:2

Behold, I said that the city of Ammonihah had been rebuilt. I say unto you, yea, that it was in part rebuilt; and because the Lamanites had destroyed it once because of the iniquity of the people, they supposed that it would again become an easy prey for them. 49:3 

But behold, how great was their disappointment; for behold, the Nephites had dug up a ridge of earth round about them, which was so high that the Lamanites could not cast their stones and their arrows at them that they might take effect, neither could they come upon them save it was by their place of entrance. 49:4

The chief captains of the Lamanites were astonished at the wisdom of the Nephites. (I would have been astonished, too! That must have taken a while. I'm not sure if it was a wise use of time, exactly, but certainly impressive.)

Now at this time the chief captains of the Lamanites were astonished exceedingly, because of the wisdom of the Nephites in preparing their places of security. 49:5

The Lamanites thought that the Nephites would be easy pickings, especially since they were so prepared this time. Usually the Lamanites fought pretty much naked, with just a leather loincloth, but this time they came fully armed with breastplates, shields, and very thick garments to cover their nakedness. They were ready to either kill the Nephites, or to at least make them slaves.

Now the leaders of the Lamanites had supposed, because of the greatness of their numbers, yea, they supposed that they should be privileged to come upon them as they had hitherto done; yea, and they had also prepared themselves with shields, and with breastplates; and they had also prepared themselves with garments of skins, yea, very thick garments to cover their nakedness. 49:6 

And being thus prepared they supposed that they should easily overpower and subject their brethren to the yoke of bondage, or slay and massacre them according to their pleasure. 49:7

But once the Lamanite army saw the huge walls, and Moroni's well-prepared army, they weren't so sure. They needed a little encouragement from Amalickiah if they were to fight, but Amalickiah didn't come down to lead the charge. His commanders didn't order the attack, either, and the whole army retreated into the wilderness.

But behold, to their uttermost astonishment, they were prepared for them, in a manner which never had been known among the children of Lehi. Now they were prepared for the Lamanites, to battle after the manner of the instructions of Moroni. 49:8

And it came to pass that the Lamanites, or the Amalickiahites, were exceedingly astonished at their manner of preparation for war. 49:9

Now, if king Amalickiah had come down out of the land of Nephi, at the head of his army, perhaps he would have caused the Lamanites to have attacked the Nephites at the city of Ammonihah; for behold, he did care not for the blood of his people. 49:10

But behold, Amalickiah did not come down himself to battle. And behold, his chief captains durst not attack the Nephites at the city of Ammonihah, for Moroni had altered the management of affairs among the Nephites, insomuch that the Lamanites were disappointed in their places of retreat and they could not come upon them. 49:11 

Therefore they retreated into the wilderness. 49:12a

From the wilderness, Amalickiah's army decided to march toward the land of Noah. Historically, the land of Noah wasn't very well defended. Unfortunately for the Lamanite army, Moroni had fortified it along with all of the other cities. Before they even saw the fortifications, though, Amalickiah's captains took an oath that they would destroy the people in the land of Noah.

Therefore they ... took their camp and marched towards the land of Noah, supposing that to be the next best place for them to come against the Nephites. 49:12b For they knew not that Moroni had fortified, or had built forts of security, for every city in all the land round about; therefore, they marched forward to the land of Noah with a firm determination; yea, their chief captains came forward and took an oath that they would destroy the people of that city. 49:13

 Once they got to the city of Noah, they saw that it had been heavily fortified. (It was actually all part of Moroni's plan -- he knew that the Lamanites would think to attack the land of Noah, so he built it up extra strong... I guess...) Also, Lehi was chief captain over the city, and Amalickiah's men knew Lehi to be a powerful general. Still, they had sworn an oath, so they had to fight.

But behold, to their astonishment, the city of Noah, which had hitherto been a weak place, had now, by the means of Moroni, become strong, yea, even to exceed the strength of the city Ammonihah. 49:14

And now, behold, this was wisdom in Moroni; for he had supposed that they would be frightened at the city Ammonihah; and as the city of Noah had hitherto been the weakest part of the land, therefore they would march thither to battle; and thus it was according to his desires. 49:15

And behold, Moroni had appointed Lehi to be chief captain over the men of that city; and it was that same Lehi who fought with the Lamanites in the valley on the east of the river Sidon. 49:16 

And now behold it came to pass, that when the Lamanites had found that Lehi commanded the city they were again disappointed, for they feared Lehi exceedingly; nevertheless their chief captains had sworn with an oath to attack the city; therefore, they brought up their armies. 49:17

The Lamanites couldn't get into the city any way besides the entrance of the city, because the walls were so high everywhere else. Also, the Nephites were ready, with stones and arrows to kill anyone who tried to climb the ramparts. They also had a guard of their strongest men near the entrance, which they knew was the weakest.

Now behold, the Lamanites could not get into their forts of security by any other way save by the entrance, because of the highness of the bank which had been thrown up, and the depth of the ditch which had been dug round about, save it were by the entrance. 49:18 

And thus were the Nephites prepared to destroy all such as should attempt to climb up to enter the fort by any other way, by casting over stones and arrows at them. 49:19 

Thus they were prepared, yea, a body of their strongest men, with their swords and their slings, to smite down all who should attempt to come into their place of security by the place of entrance; and thus were they prepared to defend themselves against the Lamanites. 49:20

So the Lamanite army attacked at the entrance, but they were slaughtered, and driven back. They then attempted to sort of dig the wall down, which didn't work very well either. Who would have guessed?

About 1000 Lamanites were slain in this battle, and not a single Nephite was killed.

And it came to pass that the captains of the Lamanites brought up their armies before the place of entrance, and began to contend with the Nephites, to get into their place of security; but behold, they were driven back from time to time, insomuch that they were slain with an immense slaughter. 49:21 

Now when they found that they could not obtain power over the Nephites by the pass, they began to dig down their banks of earth that they might obtain a pass to their armies, that they might have an equal chance to fight; but behold, in these attempts they were swept off by the stones and arrows which were thrown at them; and instead of filling up their ditches by pulling down the banks of earth, they were filled up in a measure with their dead and wounded bodies. 49:22 

Thus the Nephites had all power over their enemies; and thus the Lamanites did attempt to destroy the Nephites until their chief captains were all slain; yea, and more than a thousand of the Lamanites were slain; while, on the other hand, there was not a single soul of the Nephites which was slain. 49:23

We get a surprising amount of details with this battle. Apparently 50 men were injured, but just in their legs, because the rest of their bodies were covered up.

There were about fifty who were wounded, who had been exposed to the arrows of the Lamanites through the pass, but they were shielded by their shields, and their breastplates, and their head-plates, insomuch that their wounds were upon their legs, many of which were very severe. 49:24

More importantly, all of the Lamanite chief captains were slain in the battle. They went back to the land of Nephi, and told their king, Amalickiah, about the lost battle. The king wasn't too happy -- he cursed God, and Moroni, and swore an oath to drink Moroni's blood.

And it came to pass, that when the Lamanites saw that their chief captains were all slain they fled into the wilderness. And it came to pass that they returned to the land of Nephi, to inform their king, Amalickiah, who was a Nephite by birth, concerning their great loss. 49:25 

And it came to pass that he was exceedingly angry with his people, because he had not obtained his desire over the Nephites; he had not subjected them to the yoke of bondage. 49:26 

Yea, he was exceedingly wroth, and he did curse God, and also Moroni, swearing with an oath that he would drink his blood; and this because Moroni had kept the commandments of God in preparing for the safety of his people. 49:27

 In contrast, the Nephites thanked God for helping protect them, and they enjoyed peace and prosperity in the land.

And it came to pass, that on the other hand, the people of Nephi did thank the Lord their God, because of his matchless power in delivering them from the hands of their enemies. 49:28 

Yea, and there was continual peace among them, and exceedingly great prosperity in the church because of their heed and diligence which they gave unto the word of God, which was declared unto them by Helaman, and Shiblon, and Corianton, and Ammon and his brethren, yea, and by all those who had been ordained by the holy order of God, being baptized unto repentance, and sent forth to preach among the people. 49:30

What is the most important thing a person can do? (According to Hillary Clinton)

To study and learn what the Bible says.

That's what she said to a man that she saw reading a Bible at a campaign stop in South Carolina.

You're doing what is the most important thing to do, it's continuing to study and learn what the scripture says and what it means.

And in an interview with the New York Times, she said that the Bible is her favorite book; it's what made her what she is today.

Now I very much doubt that Hillary Clinton believes any of this. Studying the Bible isn't the most important thing a person can do, it isn't her favorite book, and it hasn't made her what she is today (Whatever the hell that is). She's just saying whatever she thinks she needs to say to get elected.

To which I say: Run Bernie Run!

A Question for Ken Ham: Why not have sex with animals?

Ken Ham is mad at Miley Cyrus because she said this in an interview with Paper magazine:

I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn't involve an animal and everyone is of age. Everything that's legal, I'm down with. Yo, I'm down with any adult -- anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me," she said. "I don't relate to being boy or girl, and I don't have to have my partner relate to boy or girl.

So Ken Ham's question for Miley is this: "Why not have sex with an animal?"

Of course Miley already answered the question by saying she was open to "every single thing that is consenting" -- and it's hard to get non-human animals to consent to sex.

But Ham's question is much more difficult for Bible believers, since according to the Bible God created animals to provide a "help meet" (spouse) for Adam.

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18-20

God's original plan for marriage was for Adam to select an animal for a "help meet."

It turned out (apparently to God's surprise and disappointment) that none of God's creatures had what it takes to satisfy Adam. So God had to come up with Plan B by creating a woman.

So my question to Ken Ham is this: Why not have sex with animals? Isn't that what God created them for?