More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
| Killing Event | Verse | Estimated number killed | Cumulative total | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | God killed Eli's sons | 4:11 | 2 | 2 |
| 2 | God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts | 5:6 | 3000 | 3002 |
| 3 | 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord | 6:19 | 50,070 | 53,072 |
| 4 | The Lord thundered with great thunder upon the Philistines | 7:10-11 | 1000 | 54,072 |
| 5 | The Ammonite Massacre | 11:11 | 1000 | 55,072 |
| 6 | Jonathan's very first slaughter | 14:14 | 20 | 55,092 |
| 7 | God forces the Philistines to kill each other | 14:20 | 1000 | 56,092 |
| 8 | The Amalekite massacre | 15:2-3 | 10,000 | 66,092 |
| 9 | Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord | 15:32-33 | 1 | 66,093 |
| 10 | The Lord said unto David, go and smite the Philistines | 23:2-5 | 1000 | 67,093 |
| 11 | The Lord smote Nabal | 25:38 | 1 | 67,094 |
| 12 | David spends the day killing Amalekites | 30:17 | 1000 | 68,094 |
| 13 | Israelite soldiers killed (to punish Saul for not killing all the Amalekites -- or for not inquiring of the Lord) | 31:1 | 100 | 68,194 |
| 14 | Saul and his sons | 31:2-4 | 4 | 68,198 |
There are other notable killings in 1 Samuel that involve God in one way or another. I didn't include them in God's killings since it wasn't entirely clear (to me at least) that God was directly involved. Here are a few posts about these killings.
Let me know if I missed any or if I got some of the numbers wrong.
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
After David won the trust of the Philistine king, Achish, by happily performing random acts of genocide on the surrounding people, Achish said it was time for him to start killing Israelites. David could hardly wait.
The Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men. And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. 1 Samuel 28:1-2
When Saul saw that the Philistines (along with David) were preparing to attack, he was afraid. He asked God what to do, but God ignored him.
And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets. 1 Samuel 28:6
Since God wouldn't talk to him and Samuel was dead, Saul asked a witch to bring Samuel back from the dead to deliver a message from God.
And God went along with the whole witch-seance-necromancy thing. He repeated the same old stuff about how he took away Saul's kingdom and gave it to David because Saul didn't kill all the Amalekites like he told him to.
The LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, even to David: Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day. 1 Samuel 28:17-18
God also said that he had other punishments planned for Saul. Tomorrow he was going to have the Philistines defeat the Israelites and kill him and his sons.
Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow shalt thou and thy sons be with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines. 1 Samuel 28:19
So God spoke to Saul through a dead man brought back to life by a witch. And the message was this: I'll have the Philistines kill you and your sons tomorrow because you left one Amalekite alive when I told you to kill them all.
Kind of makes you feel warm all over, doesn't it?
A new episode of Mr. Deity is out. I don't want to spoil it for you, so watch it first before reading the rest of this post.
Did you notice all the biblical references? Me too. Here's just a few of the verses that Mr. Deity referred to in this episode.
Utterly destroy
And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them. Deuteronomy 7:2
But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth: But thou shalt utterly destroy them ... as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee. Deuteronomy 20:16-17
Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.1 Samuel 15:3
Hailstorms and Sun
And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way.... And it came to pass, as they fled from before Israel ... the LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ...and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword. Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Joshua 10:10-13
War Rape
When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will; but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not make merchandise of her, because thou hast humbled her. Deuteronomy 21:10-14
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
If you haven't already seen this ABC report on the Bible verses inscribed on U.S. Military rifle scopes, then be sure to take a look. (I'd embed the video here, if I could figure out how to do it.)
Here's what Rachel Maddow had to say about it.
Anyway, it turns out that a major military supplier, Trijicon, has been putting secret bible codes on their scopes for years, and no one (except all the soldiers who call them "Jesus guns" and batshit crazy gun nuts) ever seemed to notice.
I'm trying to find out all the verses that are put on the Trijicon sights, but so far I've only found two: 2 Corinthians 4:6 and John 8:12.
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:12
But the ABC report says there are other verses on the sights from Matthew and Revelation. If you find out what they are, let me know and I'll add them here and at the SAB.
In the meantime I'd like to suggest a few verses to inscribe on the scopes. They seem more fitting than the wussy quotes from 2 Corinthians and John.
For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies ... he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3
And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17
Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18
The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked. Psalm 58:10
That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:23
And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26
Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:12
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25:17, Pulp Fiction version (Thanks Benita)
I bet sootch00 would just love to own a gun with Is49:26 on it. And all the non-Christians could well, you know, get over it..
After God's last killing, David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was "covering his feet" (the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom") and cut off end of Saul's skirt.
This feat impressed Saul so much that he said:
Thou art more righteous than I ... And now, behold, I know well that thou shalt surely be king. 1 Samuel 24:17-20
And I suppose that I'd be pretty impressed too, if someone cut off my shirttail or something with a sword while I was doing my business without me even noticing.
After David's amazing bathroom caper, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and decided to send ten of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.
Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.1 Samuel 25:8
But Nabal was on to their protection racket. He refused to give his belongs to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.
And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master. Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11
When David heard about it, he swore he'd kill Nabal and all of his men (everyone that pisses against a wall).
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22
Meanwhile, Nabal's wife, Abigail, decided to go visit David and try to smooth things over a bit. She brought lots of food and wine.
Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. 1 Samuel 25:18
And the bribe worked. David said that he no longer planned to kill every last swinging dick (those that piss against the wall).
For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:34
Abigail returned home and found that Nabal was partying with his friends, celebrating his freedom from David's extortion. She waited until he woke up the next morning (since he was too drunk the night before) to tell him what had happened. (That she gave David a huge bribe to keep him from killing Nabal and his men.) Then Nabal had a stroke or heart attack and was paralyzed. About ten days later, God killed him.
And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38
When David heard that Nabal was dead,
He said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39
So God killed Nabal and David got his wife along with all his other stuff.
(Actually he got two new wives, Abigail and Ahinoam, along with five other "damsels". But Saul gave away his first wife to some other guy. So, for those keeping score, I guess he gained seven wives and lost one. I don't know what happened to all the wall pissers.)
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
I'm sure you've heard the latest crazy thing that Pat Robertson has said: that the earthquake in Haiti was a punishment from God for the slave revolt of 1791 in which the Haitian slaves made a pact with the devil.
You've probably also seen Jon Stewart's reaction.
After showing the Robertson video clip, Stewart got out a jumbo edition of the Bible and said:
Look how big your book is!
As if the Bible were filled with good, comforting verses for the devastated people of Haiti. He even found and quoted four verses from four different translations of the Bible.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
Thou who hast made me see many sore troubles wilt revive me again; from the depths of the earth thou wilt bring me up again. Psalm 71:20
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10
And in a way, Jon Stewart and his staff should be commended for this. Because although the Bible is indeed a very big book, it is not a very good one. So it's not easy to find good stuff in the Bible, no matter what translation you use.
It's much easier to find verses that support Pat Robertson's position. God killed millions of people in the Bible for all kinds of stupid reasons or for no reason at all. And he enjoyed every minute of it.
God sent a flood to drown people, smashed them with burning stones, burned them to death for complaining, sent fiery serpents to bite them, bears to rip up their children, forced family and friends to kill each other, and gave people hemorrhoids in their secret parts. And that's just a small sample of God's killings. He is proud of each and every one of them.
Here's what he has to say about them:
I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42
If God exists, he sent the earthquake on the people of Haiti. And he did it for a reason that is every bit as stupid as the one that Pat Robertson came up with. (Someone spilled his seed on the ground, had inter-racial sex, danced naked around a golden calf, picked up some sticks on the sabbath, complained about the lack of food and water, made fun of a bald-headed preacher, had a census of some kind, burned the wrong kind of incense, believed in the wrong god, had the wrong parents, was born in the wrong country, or made a pact with the devil.)
It's true, of course, that Pat Robertson is full of shit. But the shit that he's full of is the Bible, the whole Bible, and nothing but the Bible. It should be exposed for what it is instead of trying to cover it up with a few good verses and a swipe at Rachel Maddow.
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
I know, I'm getting bogged down in 1 Samuel, completely distracted from God's killings. But there's so much crazy shit in this book that I just can't pass it up. Sorry about that.
So back to the story.
After David bought Saul's daughter (Michal) with 200 Philistine foreskins, Saul told his son Jonathan and all his servants to kill David. But Jonathan "delighted much in David" and talked his dad out of it. So Saul swears he won't kill David.
Then David went out and slaughters some more Philistines.
David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter. 1 Samuel 19:8
Meanwhile, God sent another evil spirit to torment Saul as he sat in his house with his spear, while David played with his hand.
And the evil spirit from the LORD was upon Saul, as he sat in his house with his javelin in his hand: and David played with his hand. 1 Samuel 19:9
You can probably guess what happened next. Saul threw his spear at David, trying to pin him to the wall. (When God's evil spirit comes upon Saul he either throws a spear at David or prophesies.)
And Saul sought to smite David even to the wall with the javelin: but he slipped away out of Saul's presence, and he smote the javelin into the wall. 1 Samuel 19:10
But Saul missed again and David fled to his house. Saul told his servants to go to David's house and kill him, but Michal lowered him out the window in a basket, while putting an idol with a goat skin pillow in bed to fool Saul's servants.
After his escape, David went to Ramah to hang out with Samuel. But Saul found out where he went so he sent messengers to capture him.
When the messengers arrived, they found David, Samuel, and everyone else prophesying. Then the Spirit of God came upon the messengers, too, and they began to prophesy.
And Saul sent messengers to take David: and when they saw the company of the prophets prophesying, and Samuel standing as appointed over them, the Spirit of God was upon the messengers of Saul, and they also prophesied. 1 Samuel 19:20
When Saul heard about this, he sent more messengers, and when they arrived, they all began prophesying, too!
And when it was told Saul, he sent other messengers, and they prophesied likewise. 1 Samuel 19:21a
So Saul sent more messengers. Guess what happened to them.
And Saul sent messengers again the third time, and they prophesied also. 1 Samuel 19:21b
Finally Saul gets tired of this shit and goes himself. Here's how that turned out.
And he went thither to Naioth in Ramah: and the Spirit of God was upon him also, and he went on, and prophesied. 1 Samuel 19:23
Yeah, that's right. The Spirit of God came upon Saul and he prophesied too.
In fact, he not only prophesied, but he took off his clothes and laid around naked all night long in front of God and everybody.
And he stripped off his clothes also, and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. 1 Samuel 19:24a
And that is why you often hear people say, "Is Saul among the prophets?"
Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets? 1 Samuel 19:24b
So I just had to tell you this story. God wanted you to know. That's why he put it in the Bible.
But I still can't figure it out. Is Saul among the prophets?
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul's incomplete genocide, he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.
But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After all, God told Saul to kill all the Amalekites, and Saul saved one guy alive, along with some animals he planned to sacrifice to God later on. (How would you feel if you told someone to commit genocide and then they went and left one person alive?)
Samuel never saw Saul again (not with his clothes on anyway -- see 1 Samuel 19:24), but he "mourned" for him. And God repented of making Saul king.
And Samuel came no more to see Saul until the day of his death: nevertheless Samuel mourned for Saul: and the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel. 1 Samuel 15:35
So God and Saul found another king, someone who would gladly kill anyone at any time for any reason, a man after God's own heart: David.
I'm going to skip the details about how God and Samuel selected David so I can get on with the story at hand. (But be sure to read the Brick Testament story.) But since the same pair (God and Samuel) that conspired to produce the Amalekite massacre selected David as king, you know it was a good selection!
When Samuel anointed David as king, the Spirit of the Lord came on David and it was with him for the rest of his life. At the same time, of course, the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul and was replaced by an evil spirit from God, as required by the first law of spiritual thermodynamics.
Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. ...
But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. 1 Samuel 16:13-14
This dastardly evil spirit from God caused Saul lots of problems. And only one thing seemed to help: David and his harp.
I guess Saul was too busy with God's evil spirit to notice that David had replaced him as king. In any case he seems to have fallen in love with him.
David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly ... And Saul sent to Jesse, saying, Let David, I pray thee, stand before me; for he hath found favour in my sight. And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him. 1 Samuel 16:19-23
And now we finally get the the story I'm supposed to be telling. The one you already know. David and Goliath.
It begins with a Philistine named Goliath, who was a big guy, even by NBA standards. At 6 cubits and a span, he would have been about 3 meters (nearly 10 feet) tall. His armor weighed 5000 shekels (57.5 kg, 126 lb) and he threw a spear with at iron tip that weighed 600 shekels (6.9 kg, 15 lb).
Goliath had a plan to limit the smiting that was always going on between the Philistines and the Israelites -- a fair fight between two guys: him and whoever the Israelites chose.
David heard about it and volunteered for the job. It might have had something to do with the reward.
What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? 1 Samuel 17:26
And the men of Israel said, Have ye seen this man that is come up? surely to defy Israel is he come up: and it shall be, that the man who killeth him, the king will enrich him with great riches, and will give him his daughter, and make his father's house free in Israel. 1 Samuel 17:25
(OK, the verses are out of order, but hey, this is the Bible.)
Then Eliab, David's oldest brother, said that David was just doing it because he had a proud, naughty heart and wanted to get out of watching the sheep.
And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart. 1 Samuel 17:28
But David ignored Eliab and went to talk to king Saul.
[It's getting a bit confusing, isn't it? In the last chapter David was anointed king by Samuel and then did a harp-playing gig to help get rid of Saul's evil spirit from God. But let's forget about all that (let the believers sort it all out) and get back to the story.]
David finds Saul and offers his services as giant killer but Saul is skeptical. So David tells him a confusing story about how once, while tending sheep, he killed a lion (and a bear?) with his bare hands. God helped him kill the lion (and the bear?); he'll do the same with the 10 foot giant.
And David said unto Saul, Thy servant kept his father's sheep, and there came a lion, and a bear, and took a lamb out of the flock: And I went out after him, and smote him, and delivered it out of his mouth: and when he arose against me, I caught him by his beard, and smote him, and slew him. Thy servant slew both the lion and the bear: and this uncircumcised Philistine shall be as one of them, seeing he hath defied the armies of the living God. David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee. 1 Samuel 17:34-37
So Saul gives David the job, putting his own sword, helmet, and coat of mail on him. But David wasn't used to it, so he decided to go with just his staff, a sling, and five stones instead.
As he was leaving, Saul said to his captain Abner, "Who's son is that boy?"
And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell. And the king said, Enquire thou whose son the stripling is. 1 Samuel 17:55-56
(In the previous chapter, Saul sent a messenger to tell Jesse to send his son David, David came and played his harp for Saul to get rid of God's evil spirit, and Saul "loved him greatly" for it. Yet now he doesn't even know who David is.)
So David goes off and confronts Goliath, after making a little speech.
Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied. This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands. 1 Samuel 17:45-47
And you know the rest of the story: David killed Goliath, cut off his head and brought it to Jerusalem.
(There is a completely different Bible story about Goliath's death, but I'm going to ignore that for now. 2 Samuel 21:19 says that Elhanan killed Goliath.)
The question I have is this: does God deserve credit for this killing?
David said that God would deliver Goliath into his hand, but maybe he was wrong about that. What do you think? Should I include this in God's killings?
Much more information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
More information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:
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