Richard Dawkins: The God of the Old Testament

(29 July 17: I originally posted this nearly nine years ago, soon after Richard Dawkins's wonderful speech. More recently, the Freedom From Religion Foundation created a new website based upon this speech and Dan Barker's book - God: the Most unpleasant Character in all Fiction. So I thought I'd repost this and update the list with additions from FFRF's site and Dan's Book.)

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it

How jealous and proud is he? Well, his name is Jealous. And he named himself!

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14

Here are some more verses where God brags about his jealousy.

I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Deuteronomy 5:9

(For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the LORD thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 6:15

The LORD will not spare him, but then the anger of the LORD and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the LORD shall blot out his name from under heaven. Deuteronomy 29:20

They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger. Deuteronomy 32:16

They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. Deuteronomy 32:21

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

And Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked him to jealousy with their sins. 1 Kings 14:22

And he put forth the form of an hand, and took me by a lock of mine head; and the spirit lifted me up between the earth and the heaven, and brought me in the visions of God to Jerusalem, to the door of the inner gate that looketh toward the north; where was the seat of the image of jealousy, which provoketh to jealousy. Ezekiel 8:3

Then said he unto me, Son of man, lift up thine eyes now the way toward the north. So I lifted up mine eyes the way toward the north, and behold northward at the gate of the altar this image of jealousy in the entry. Ezekiel 8:5

I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy. Ezekiel 16:38

So will I make my fury toward thee to rest, and my jealousy shall depart from thee, and I will be quiet, and will be no more angry. Ezekiel 16:42

And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. Ezekiel 23:25

Surely in the fire of my jealousy have I spoken against the residue of the heathen. Ezekiel 36:5

For in my jealousy and in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel. Ezekiel 38:19

God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; Nahum 1:2

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I am jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion with a great jealousy. Zechariah 1:14

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury. Zechariah 8:2

All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3:8

a petty,

A golden bell and a pomegranate ... shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. Exodus 28:34-35

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. Leviticus 19:19

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. Leviticus 19:27

Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 17:1

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself. Deuteronomy 22:12

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation. Deuteronomy 23:2

Thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee. For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp. Deuteronomy 23:13-14

Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:20

unjust,

If thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

The LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast. Exodus 13:15

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers. Isaiah 14:21

(See here for a more complete list of Old Testament injustices.)

unforgiving

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

For the innocent blood that he shed: for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood; which the LORD would not pardon. 2 Kings 24:4

Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up a cry or prayer for them: for I will not hear them in the time that they cry unto me for their trouble. Jeremiah 11:14

When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. Jeremiah 14:12

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

control-freak;

But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: ... The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods (hemorrhoids), and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart: ... Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: ... The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head. ... And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters ... The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:15-68

For another 1647 examples see Every Jot and Tittle: All of the Commandments in the Bible

a vindictive,

I kill .. I wound ... I will render vengeance to mine enemies ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

He will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries. Deuteronomy 32:43

To me belongeth vengeance and recompence ... for the day of their calamity is at hand. Deuteronomy 32:35

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Nunbers 11:1

Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by famine: Jeremiah 11:22

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard. Micah 5:15

bloodthirsty

And the priest shall dip his finger in some of the blood, and sprinkle it seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:17

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

I kill .. I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34:5

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, ... their land shall be soaked with blood, ... For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance. Isaiah 34:7-8

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63:2-6

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ezekiel 39:17

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18

And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:19

And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17 (See here for a more complete list of Old Testament cruelties.

ethnic cleanser;

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

a misogynistic,

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged. Leviticus 19:20

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Nunbers 31:15-19

And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women ... shalt thou take unto thyself. Deuteronomy 20:13-14

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her .... Thou shalt go in unto her. Deuteronomy 21:11-13

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated .... Deuteronomy 21:15

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... Deuteronomy 22:13

I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid. Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city. But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:14-21

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11

And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I am the LORD Ezekiel 26:6

homophobic,

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

racist,

One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-8

The LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 7:6

An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever. Deuteronomy 23:3

infanticidal,

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29

Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:16

I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. Leviticus 26:22

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick... on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

genocidal,

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. Deuteronomy 20:16-17

So smote all the country ... he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:40

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

filicidal,

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering. Genesis 22:2

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death. Leviticus 20:9

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... hou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9

pestilential,

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Nunbers 11:33

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Nunbers 21:6

The hand of the LORD was against the city ... and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9

So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:13

So will I send upon you famine and evil beasts, and they shall bereave thee: and pestilence and blood shall pass through thee; and I will bring the sword upon thee. I the LORD have spoken it. Ezekiel 5:17

megalomaniacal,

Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly. 2 Samuel 22:8-11

Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:23

sadomasochistic,

Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

capriciously malevolent

Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark ... fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city. Ezekiel 9:4-7

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

And the cities that are inhabited shall be laid waste, and the land shall be desolate; and ye shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 12:20

bully.

And I will appoint over them four kinds, saith the LORD: the sword to slay, and the dogs to tear, and the fowls of the heaven, and the beasts of the earth, to devour and destroy. Jeremiah 15:3

And I will call for a sword against him throughout all my mountains, saith the Lord GOD: every man's sword shall be against his brother. And I will plead against him with pestilence and with blood; and I will rain upon him, and upon his bands, and upon the many people that are with him, an overflowing rain, and great hailstones, fire, and brimstone. Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:21-23

Mother's Day: A few good examples from the Bible

Last year, I posted some Bible verses for Mother's Day.

I thought this year I'd try to find a few good examples from the Bible. Here's what I could find.
(Taken from my Good People in the Bible post.)

Hagar
At Sarah and God's insistence, Abraham sent Hagar and their son Ishmael into the desert. When Ishmael was about to die, Hagar left him under a bush and cried because she couldn't bear to see him die. 

And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. Genesis 21:15-16

Later, of course, an angel came to save Ishmael. (Angels always come to save Abraham's sons before he kills them or after he abandons them - as he was asked to do by God).  She raised Ishmael by herself, becoming the patron saint of single moms.

Rizpah
To appease God and end a famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord."

There was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. ...
Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement. ...
And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:1-6

So David rounded up and delivered two sons of Rizpah, Saul's concubine, and five sons of his daughter Michal, and they hung them up before the Lord.

The king took the two sons of Rizpah ... whom she bare unto Saul ... and the five sons of Michal ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they fell all seven together, and were put to death. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

Rizpah stayed with her dead sons, chasing the birds away in the daytime and animals away at night.

And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth, and spread it for her upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven, and suffered neither the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night. 2 Samuel 21:10

And God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him.

They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land 2 Samuel 21:13-14

Jeroboam's wife
Jeroboam's wife (the Bible doesn't bother giving her a name) was worried about her sick son. So she went to see the blind prophet Ahijah to see if he could help.

Jeroboam's wife ... arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4

When she arrived, Ahijah had a message from God regarding her son.

Bhold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10

Which wasn't particularly good news to Jeroboam's wife, since her sick son had pissed on a few walls here and there.
But it got worse as the prophet elaborated a bit.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11

So God was going to kill all of the male descendants of Jeroboam, strew their dead bodies on the ground like dung, and use them for dog and bird food.
Oh and her son? He would be dead by the time she got home.

Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12

After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And, sure enough, God killed her sick little boy the moment she entered his room.

And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17

The good people in the Bible

A while back, I said that Vashti was the best person in the Bible. And while I still think she's a good choice for that award, I'd like to consider all possible candidates. Here is my attempt to do that. Let me know if I've left out any of your favorite Bible characters.

1. The Talking Serpent

   OK, so maybe he wasn't human, but he was the wisest and most honest character in Genesis. Here's his conversation with Eve.

   Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

   And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

   But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

   And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

   For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:1-5

   And the serpent was correct, according to the Bible anyway. When Eve and Adam ate from the tree of knowledge, they didn't die^*, and their eyes were opened to know good and evil.

   
   

2. Eve

   The Bible doesn't say much about Eve. There is only one conversation recorded and that is with a talking serpent. But in it she shows a courageous love of goodness, beauty, and truth.

   When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat. Genesis 3:6

3. Hagar

   At Sarah and God's insistence, Abraham sent Hagar and their son Ishmael into the desert. When Ishmael was about to die, Hagar left him under a bush and cried because she couldn't bear to see him die.

   And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs. And she went, and sat her down over against him a good way off, as it were a bow shot: for she said, Let me not see the death of the child. And she sat over against him, and lift up her voice, and wept. Genesis 21:15-16

4. Zipporah

   Zipporah saved Moses from being killed by God by cutting off the foreskin of their son with a sharp stone. I don't know how she knew what had upset Moses' psychopathic god, but she figured it out quickly and did what had to be done. Then she threw the bloody foreskin at Moses' feet saying, "a bloody husband you are to me."

   It came to pass ... that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him.

   Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. Exodus 4:24-25

5. The ten honest scouts

   Moses sent out twelve scouts to check out the land of Canaan. When they returned, one of the scouts (Caleb and maybe Joshua) told Moses that it would be easy to invade and conquer the people of Canaan. But ten other scouts disagreed.

   The land, through which we have gone to search it, is a land that eateth up the inhabitants thereof; and all the people that we saw in it are men of a great stature.

   And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight. Numbers 13:32-33

   So God, who only likes good news, killed them for their honest report.

   Those men that did bring up the evil report upon the land, died by the plague before the LORD. Numbers 14:37

6. Korah and his companions

   Moses and Aaron had absolute authority over the Israelites -- until it was challenged by Korah and his companions. Here's what they said to Moses.

   Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD? Numbers 16:3

   So God and Moses arranged a test. If Korah and his companions die a natural death, then God didn't send Moses. But if Korah and his friends (and their families) are buried alive, then God is Moses' special friend.

   And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me.
   ...
   If these men die the common death of all men ... then the LORD hath not sent me.

   But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. Numbers 16:28-30

   The test proved that Moses is God's special friend (since the other guys were buried alive).

   But if the LORD make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD.

   And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:

   And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.

   They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. Numbers 16:28-33

7. The people who complained about God's killings

   During the Exodus, God burned and buried people alive, had people stoned to death, and killed tens of thousands in plagues. So, as you might expect, the people were pretty freaked out about it. Here's what they said:

   All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD. Numbers 16:41

   So God sent a plague and killed another 14,700.

   And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

   Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. ...

   Behold, the plague was begun among the people. ...

   Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred. Numbers 16:44-49

   
   

8. The couple murdered by Phinehas

   The Israelites pissed off God by having sex with Moabite women.

   the people began to commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab. Numbers 25:1

   So God sent a plague to kill them all. Then Phinehas saw an Israelite man and a Moabite woman,

   One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman. Numbers 25:6

   and impaled them with a spear through their bellies.

   When Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand ... and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. Numbers 25:7-8

   God was so pleased by Phinehas' double murder that he stopped killing people with the plague, after only 24,000 died. (Well, 23,000 if you believe Paul.)

   So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. nd those that died in the plague were twenty and four thousand. Numbers 25:8-9

9. The daughters of Zelophehad

   Then came the daughters of Zelophehad ... Mahlah, Noah, and Hoglah, and Milcah, and Tirzah.

   And they stood before Moses, and before Eleazar the priest, and before the princes and all the congregation, by the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, saying,

   Our father died in the wilderness ... and had no sons.

   Why should the name of our father be done away from among his family, because he hath no son? Give unto us therefore a possession among the brethren of our father.

   And Moses brought their cause before the LORD.

   And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

   The daughters of Zelophehad speak right: thou shalt surely give them a possession of an inheritance among their father's brethren; and thou shalt cause the inheritance of their father to pass unto them. Numbers 27:1-7

10. The peaceful unsuspecting people of Laish

    The children of Dan ... came unto Laish, unto a people that were at quiet and secure: and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and burnt the city with fire. Judges 18:26-27

11. Nabal

    When David was fighting with Saul, he hung out "in the wilderness" with a gang of outlaws. While there, he heard about a rich man named Nabal and sent some of his "young men" to pay him a visit. So they went and introduced themselves to Nabal and told him to give them whatever he owned.

    David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name. ...

    Give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David. 1 Samuel 25:5-8

    But Nabal was on to David's protection racket. He refused to give his belongings to people he didn't even know just to get them to go away and leave him alone.

    And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? ...

    Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be? 1 Samuel 25:10-11

    When David heard about it, he swore to kill Nabal and all his men (everyone "that pisseth against the wall").

    So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22

    But, as it turns out, God beat him to it and killed Nabal for David,

    And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died. 1 Samuel 25:38

    and gave David his wife and other stuff.

    When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD .... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife. 1 Samuel 25:39

12. Phaltiel

    After Michal helped David escape from her father Saul, Saul gave her away to another man named Phalti.

    Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti.

    But later, after he had collected a half dozen or more wives, David demanded Michal back. (Heck, he paid 200 foreskins for her!)

    And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul's son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. 2 Samuel 3:14

    Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her."

    And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish. And her husband went with her along weeping behind her. 2 Samuel 3:15

13. Uzzah

    When the ark was being transported to Jerusalem, Uzzah, one of the drivers of the cart, reached out his hand to steady the ark to keep it from falling. God thanked him in his usual way: he killed him.

    And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. ...

    And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor , Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it.

    And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:3-7

14. Michal

    David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins. She was the daughter of Saul and her name was Michal. She rescued David from her father by lowering him on a rope through the window (1 Samuel 19:11-17), which was both brave and clever. But what impresses me even more was the way she criticized David for dancing nearly naked in front of God and everybody.

    David danced before the LORD with all his might; and David was girded with a linen ephod. ...

    Michal ... said, How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself! 2 Samuel 6:14-20

    Of course God doesn't like it when anyone criticizes David. So he made her die childless. (But not really.)

    Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death. 2 Samuel 6:23

15. Rizpah

    To appease God and end a famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord."

    There was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. ...

    Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement. ...

    And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:1-6

    So David rounded up and delivered two sons of Rizpah, Saul's concubine, and five sons of his daughter Michal, and they hung them up before the Lord.

    The king took the two sons of Rizpah ... whom she bare unto Saul ... and the five sons of Michal ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD: and they fell all seven together, and were put to death. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

    Rizpah stayed with her dead sons, chasing the birds away in the daytime and animals away at night.

    And Rizpah the daughter of Aiah took sackcloth, and spread it for her upon the rock, from the beginning of harvest until water dropped upon them out of heaven, and suffered neither the birds of the air to rest on them by day, nor the beasts of the field by night. 2 Samuel 21:10

    And God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him.

    They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land 2 Samuel 21:13-14

16. Jeroboam's wife

    Jeroboam's wife (the Bible doesn't bother giving her a name) was worried about her sick son. So she went to see the blind prophet Ahijah to see if he could help.

    Jeroboam's wife ... arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 1 Kings 14:4

    When she arrived, Ahijah had a message from God regarding her son.

    Bhold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel, and will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung, till it be all gone. 1 Kings 14:10

    Which wasn't particularly good news to Jeroboam's wife, since her sick son had pissed on a few walls here and there.

    But it got worse as the prophet elaborated a bit.

    Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 1 Kings 14:11

    So God was going to kill all of the male descendants of Jeroboam, strew their dead bodies on the ground like dung, and use them for dog and bird food.

    Oh and her son? He would be dead by the time she got home.

    Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 1 Kings 14:12

    After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam's wife returned home. And, sure enough, God killed her sick little boy the moment she entered his room.

    And Jeroboam's wife arose, and departed, and came to Tirzah: and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died; 1 Kings 14:17

17. Vashti: The best person in the Bible?

    Vashti refused to entertain the king's drunken guests.

    The king made a feast ... seven days, in the court of the garden of the king's palace ... And they gave them drink in vessels of gold ... and royal wine in abundance.

    On the seventh day, when the heart of the king was merry with wine, he commanded ... Vashti the queen ... with the crown royal, to shew the people and the princes her beauty: for she was fair to look on.

    But the queen Vashti refused. Esther 1:5-12

18. Job's wife

    In the book of Job, God and Satan play a cruel gambling game with the lives of Job and his family. Satan bets that Job will curse God to his face if Job's life is made unpleasant enough. So God (or Satan, it's hard to tell them apart) kills Job's family and sends various torments upon him.

    Job's wife rightly says that if Job is to keep his integrity, he should curse God (for playing vicious games with Satan) and die. She is the only voice of reason in the book of Job.

    Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die. Job 2:9

---

* God told Adam that he would die the day that he ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Yet he and Eve ate from that tree and lived another 930 years. (In the case of Adam, anyway. The Bible doesn't say how long Eve lived.)

Who wins the Bible's Quiverfull prize?

Have you heard of the Quiverfull movement? It's a whacked-out group of fundamentalist Christians who try to have as many kids as they can, because they believe that children show God's favor on the men who father them.

The movement takes its name from Psalm 127, which says:

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. Psalm 127:3-5

Which got me to thinking. If children are a blessing from God, and happy is the man that has his quiver full of them, which man in the Bible was the happiest? Who had the fullest quiver, so to speak?

So I started with Adam and worked my way through all the quivers in the Bible. But Adam didn't seem too interested in children. His first son (Cain) killed his second son (Abel), yet Adam didn't bother having any more kids for another 130 years or so, when he finally had Seth. He and Eve were diddling for six score and ten years and all he had to show for it was two arrows in his quiver. He lived another 800 years after having Seth, but all the Bible says about it is this: "And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters." No names, no numbers, no cigar for Adam.

Well then, maybe one of the patriarchs. Take Methuselah, for example. He lived to be 969, so he must have had lots of kids. But he was a slow starter, waiting until he was 187 before fathering his first son (Lamech). And although the Bible says he had other sons and daughters sometime in the next 782 years, it doesn't name names or give numbers. So forget Methuselah. No prize there either.

How about Methuselah's son, Lamaech? Lamech was the first of a long, proud line of polygamists in the Bible. But even with two wives he couldn't fill his quiver. When he was 182 he had his first son (Noah) and then had the usual nameless sons and daughters sometime in the next 595 years. What the fuck did he do with his wives, anyway?

OK, then what about Lamech's son, Noah? Nope. Noah waited until he was 500 to start a family. But he started with a bang, having three sons in a single year. I'm not sure how he managed that, since there is no mention of twins or triplets and the Bible only mentions one (nameless) wife. Fucking miracles, I guess. Anyway, the Bible doesn't say whether Noah had more children after the flood, though God did tell him and his sons to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth" (after God had drowned everyone on it).

What about King David? No one even tried to keep track of all his wives and concubines, so he must have had lots of children. 1 Chronicles 3:1-9 lists 19 sons and one daughter (which ties him with Jim Bob!). David must have had a hard time coming up with so many names because two sons are named Eliphelet and two are named Elishama. I suppose that's one of the hazards of a full quiver. You just can't keep your arrows straight.

Solomon was one of David's sons and he must have had quite a family since he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. If he kept up with the Duggars he'd have about 20,000 arrows in his quiver. But Solomon was the patron saint of birth control. The Bible only mentions one son (Rehoboam) and two daughters. The guy must have never taken his condom off!

It turns out that Solomon's (only?) son, Rehoboam wins the quiverfull prize, depending on how you keep score, that is. Rehoboam, like his dad, was a big-time polygamist, with 18 wives and 60 concubines. But unlike his dad, he used his wives to fill his quiver. And he had a quiverfull by the time he was done -- 88 total: 28 sons and 60 daughters.

But there were a few others that probably beat Rehoboam. Both Gideon and Ahab had 72 sons. But since the Bible doesn't mention their daughters, I guess Rehoboam can keep his prize. (Both sets of sons had unhappy endings: Gideon's 70 sons were murdered by one of their brothers, and Ahab's 70 sons were beheaded by Jehu at God's command.)

And there are several honorable mentions. Ibzan had 30 sons and 30 daughters. Abdon had 40 sons and 30 nephews. Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives, and begat 22 sons, and 16 daughters. And Jair had 30 sons that rode on 30 ass colts and had 30 cities.

Oh, and Heman (who wasn't quite as wise as Solomon or as happy as Jim Bob Duggar) had 14 sons and 3 daughters.

Here's a little table to keep the quivers straight.

Happy quivering!

Name	Sons	Daughters	Total	Verse
Rehoboam	28	60	88	2 Chr 11:21
Gideon	72	?	At least 72	Jg 8:30, 9:4-5
Ahab	72	?	At least 72	2 Kg 1:16-17, 10:1-7, 9:24-26
Ibzan	30	30	60	Jg 12:9
Abdon	40	?	At least 40	Jg 12:14
Abijah	22	16	38	2 Chr 13:21
Jair	30	?	At least 30	Jg 10:3-4
David	19	1	At least 20	1 Chr 3:1-9
Heman	14	3	17	1 Chr 25:5

For more information on the Quiverfull movement see Vyckie Garrison's blog, No Longer Quivering.

Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

I’m not sure what “thus” was, but it whatever it was, it wasn’t very nice.

First David sent Joab “and all Israel,” and “they destroyed the children of Ammon” and besieged the city of Rabbah.

And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. 2 Samuel 11.1

Joab led forth the power of the army, and wasted the country of the children of Ammon, and came and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried at Jerusalem. And Joab smote Rabbah, and destroyed it. 1 Chronicles 20.1

Then he went to Rabbah and put a gold crown on his head that weighted 1 talent (about 30 kilograms).

David …went to Rabbah and … took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance. 2 Samuel 12.30

And finally he did this to “all the cities of the children of Ammon”:

He brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. 2 Samuel 12.31

David’s treatment of the Ammonites is stated a bit more clearly in the 1 Chronicles version of this story.

He brought out the people that were in it, and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon. 1 Chronicles 20.3

Neither story says how many Ammonites were killed. I’ll guess 1000.

(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)

God's next killing: God slowly kills a baby

David killed every male in Edom

There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

In any case, whoever did the killing, whoever and however many were killed, it’s another example of God’s glorious killings, since we know that

The LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.14

And God approved of everything David ever did (with the single exception of the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16

(A little later God will have to have them all killed again, but that’s another story.)

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.

God's next killing: Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

As I mentioned in the last killing, God approved all of David’s killings (except for the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15:5

He even helped out with most of them. Still, some of the ones from 2 Samuel 8-10 are just too damned boring to deal with separately, so I’m going to lump them together here.

2 Samuel 8 begins by telling us that David somehow found some more Philistines to smite.

It came to pass that David smote the Philistines, and subdued them. 2 Samuel 8:1

Then David smote Hadadezer, the king of Zobah, "taking" 1000 chariots, 700 (or 7000, if you believe the story told in 1 Chronicles 18:3-4) horsemen, and 20,000 foot soldiers. [Since text doesn't say that David killed the 20,700 (or 27,000) soldiers, I’n not counting them in God's killings.]

David smote also Hadadezer ... king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 2 Samuel 8:3-4a

David smote Hadarezer king of Zobah ... And David took from him a thousand chariots, and seven thousand horsemen, and twenty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 18:3-4

David hamstrung ("houghed" in the KJV) all but 100 of the 1000 horses.

David houghed all the chariot horses, but reserved of them for an hundred chariots. 2 Samuel 8:4b

Then he killed 22,000 Syrians. “And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” (NIV)

When the Syrians of Damascus came to succour Hadadezer king of Zobah, David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men … and the Syrians became servants to David, and brought gifts. … And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.5-6

And another 47,000 Syrians (or was it 40,700?).

The Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew the men of seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen. 2 Samuel 10.18

But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand men which fought in chariots, and forty thousand footmen. 1 Chronicles 19.8

So I'll give David (and God) credit for 66,850: 1000 Philistines and 65,850 Syrians. (22,000 in the first killing and 43,850 in the second, taking the average of 47,000 and 40,070 from the stories in 2 Samuel 10 and 1 Chronicles 19.

God's next killing: David killed every male in Edom

David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool

After Saul’s death, David became king of Judah and Saul’s son, Ishbosheth, king of Israel. Things didn’t go well for poor Ishbosheth, though. First his father and brothers were killed by God. Then his captain, Abner, was killed by David’s captain, Joel. And his army was always fighting a losing battle with David’s. He was about ready to call it quits.

When Saul's son heard that Abner was dead in Hebron, his hands were feeble, and all the Israelites were troubled. 2 Samuel 4.1

After Abner died, Rechab and Baanah became Ishbosheth’s captains.

Saul's son had two men that were captains of bands: the name of the one was Baanah, and the name of the other Rechab. 4.2

One day Rechab and Baanah went to visit Ishbosheth, who was taking a nap at the time.

Rechab and Baanah, went, and came about the heat of the day to the house of Ishbosheth, who lay on a bed at noon. 4.5

They pretended to be picking up some wheat, but they really stopped by to kill him. And they “smote him under the fifth rib” (the preferred place to smite someone in the Bible).

They came thither into the midst of the house, as though they would have fetched wheat; and they smote him under the fifth rib. 4.6

After smiting him, they cut off his head and took it to David.

When they came into the house, he lay on his bed in his bedchamber, and they smote him, and slew him, and beheaded him, and took his head. And they brought the head of Ishbosheth unto David. 4.7-8

They figured David would be pleased, since he and Ishbosheth were enemies. But they were wrong.

David told them about how he killed the Amalekite who killed Saul, even though Saul asked him to since he was mortally wounded. Now he was going to kill them for killing Saul’s son, Ishbosheth.

When one told me, saying, Behold, Saul is dead, thinking to have brought good tidings, I took hold of him, and slew him … How much more, when wicked men have slain a righteous person in his own house upon his bed? 4.10-11

So David had his “young men” kill Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hang their bodies up over the pool in Hebron.

David commanded his young men, and they slew them, and cut off their hands and their feet, and hanged them up over the pool in Hebron. 4.12

Mutilated bodies hanging over pools make such nice decorations!

(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)

God's next killing: God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

How should we treat prisoners of war? Fortunately, as with so many difficult questions, the Bible has the answer!

Bible believers don't need to worry about the Geneva Convention. God tells them directly what to do with their POWs in the Bible. All they have to do is follow David's example.

David ... smote Moab, and measured them with a line, casting them down to the ground; even with two lines measured he to put to death, and with one full line to keep alive. And so the Moabites became David's servants, and brought gifts. 2 Samuel 8:1-2

When it comes to POWS, we know what is right in the eyes of the Lord: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest.*

That is the Bible's infallible answer.

(My estimate of 667 is two thirds of the standard Biblical slaughter.)

* How do we know this is right in the eyes of the Lord? Because the Bible tells us so.

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

God's next killing The Lord gave David victory wherever he went

The Morality of David: How to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord

If believers want to know what God thinks is right, they should look at the life of David. He is the gold standard of biblical morality.

How do we know that that? Because it says so in the Bible.

Everything David did "was right in the eyes of the Lord," except for one thing: "the matter of Uriah."

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

So as long as we stay away from the Uriah affair, we can be absolutely certain that we are doing right in the eyes of the Lord whenever we follow David.

And since there are so many stories about David in the Bible, we can derive an infallible, Bible-based morality from them. That is what God wants us to do. That's why he put those stories in the Bible.

So let's get started.

Here are some of the things that we know are "right in the eyes of the Lord."

1. It's OK to kill people.

   As long as your killing is similar to one of David's, you can be sure that it's perfectly moral and that God will bless it.

   But before you start, check the context of David's killings to make sure that yours is OK with God.

   Here is a list of 22 killings that David either performed himself or had other people do for him. God approved of every one of them. He even helped out on many. It should be easy to find one to serve as a model for the killing that you have in mind.

   David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19
   David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27
   David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8
   The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines	1Sam 23:2-5
   David committed genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11
   David spends the day killing Amalekites	1Sam 30:17
   David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15
   David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their dead bodies over the pool	2Sam 4.12
   God helps David smite Philistines from the front and the rear	2Sam 5:19-25
   David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2
   David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5
   David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12
   David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18
   David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1
   David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7
   Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8
   Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14
   Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12
   Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18
   Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23
   Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34
   Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46

2. It's OK to decapitate people after you kill them. (1 Samuel 17.51)

3. You can kill Philistines and Amalekites pretty much whenever you see them. Still, it's a good idea to ask God first. (1Sam 18.27, 19.8, 23:2-5, 30:17; 2Sam 5:19-25, 23.9-10, 23.12)

4. Moabites, Syrians, Edomites, Ammonites, and Egyptians are generally OK to kill, too. But some restrictions may apply. See your Bible for context, just to be sure. (2Sam 8.2, 8.5, 8.13, 10.18, 11.1)

5. It's OK to kill up to 200 men for their foreskins to pay for a wife. (1Sam 18.27)

6. You can have as many wives as you like. No one knows how many David had; no one needs to know how many you have either. (It's nobody's business but God's, and he approves of that sort of thing.) (1 Samuel 18:25-27, 25:39, 25:41-44, 2 Samuel 3:2-5, 5:13, 12:7-8)

7. Genocide is OK, at least when you are doing it for the Philistines. (1 Samuel 27:8-11)

8. It's OK to lie, if it will help you out of a difficult situation. (1 Samuel 21:2-8)

9. Cut off the hands and feet of executed people and hang their dead, mutilated bodies up for everyone to see. They make nice decorations. (2 Samuel 4:12)

10. Encourage others to kill people with disabilities -- like "the lame and the blind that are hated of David's soul." (2 Samuel 5:8)

11. A good rule to follow with prisoners of war is this: kill two-thirds of them and enslave the rest. (2 Samuel 8:2-3)

12. If your concubines have sex with your son in front of God and everybody (because God is punishing you for your adultery), just refuse to have any more sex with them and force them to "keep house" for you for the rest of their lives. (2 Samuel 20:3)

13. If God sends a famine, you might try killing the sons and grandsons of your predecessor and then hang their dead bodies up to God so that he will stop starving people to death. It worked for David. It should work for you too. (2 Samuel 21:1-9)

14. When you are old man and can't get any more heat, look around for a young virgin to "lie in your bosom" and "minister" to you so you can get your heat back. (1 Kings 1:1-4)

15. And when you are dying, be sure to ask your son to murder any enemies that you didn't get a chance to kill. No enemies left behind. That was David's rule; it should be yours, too. (1 Kings 2:1-9)

See how easy that was? It makes you feel sorry for all those atheists who have to actually think about what is right and wrong, doesn't it?

A List of God-Approved Killings in the Bible

This is a list of the God-approved killings in the Bible. It does not include the killings that God performed himself or those in which he took an active role. (See here for a complete list of those killings.)

I've already posted about some of the killings (see links in the table), and I'll be adding more later to explain how we know that God approved of these killings. Eventually, I'll combine the lists to show all of God's killings, those that he approved of and those that he did himself.

	Killing Event	Scriptural reference	Biblical number	Estimate
1	Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad	Jg 3.31	600	600
2	42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test	Jg 12.4-7, Heb 11.32	42,000	42,000
3	The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people	Jg 18.27	-	1,000
4	The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins	Jg 21.10-14	-	10,000
5	34,000 Israelites killed so that God could kill Eli's sons	1Sam 4.2-11	34,000	34,000
6	David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19	1	1
7	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27	200	200
8	David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8	-	10,000
9	David commited genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11	-	50,000
10	David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15	1	1
11	David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung up their dead bodies	2Sam 4.12	2	2
12	David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2		667
13	David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5	22,000	22,000
14	David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12	18,000	18,000
15	David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18	47,000	47,000
16	David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1	-	1,000
17	David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7	20,000	20,000
18	Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8	800	800
19	Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14	-	1,000
20	Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12	-	1,000
21	Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18	300	300
22	Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23	3	3
23	Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34	1	1
24	Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46	1	1
25	Zimri burns to death	1Kg 16.18-19	1	1
26	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40	450	450
27	A skeptic is trampled to death	2Kg 7.2-20	1	1
28	Jehu killed Ahaziah's family	2Kg 10.12-13, 2Chr 22.7-9	42	42
29	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25	-	1,000
30	Jehoiada killed Mattan the priest of Baal	2Kg 11.17-18	1	1
31	Athaliah	2Kg 11.20	1	1
32	Amaziah slew 10,000 Edomites	2Kg 14.7, 2Chr 25.11	10,000	10,000
33	Josiah killed all the priests of the high places	2Kg 23.20	-	100
34	Jashobeam killed 300 at one time with his spear	1Chr 11.11	300	300
35	Ahaziah of Judah	2Chr 22.7-9	1	1
36	Amaziah killed the people that killed his father	2Chr 25.3	-	10
37	Amaziah killed 10,000 Edomites	2Chr 25.11	10,000	10,000
38	Amaziah pushed 10,000 men off a cliff	2Chr 25.12	10,000	10,000
39	Amaziah	2Chr 25.27	1	1
40	Uzziah's wars	2Chr 26.3-7	-	3,000
41	Jotham's war with the Ammonites	2Chr 27.1-5	-	1,000
42	Esther hangs Haman and his ten sons	Est 7.6-10	11	11
43	The Jews killed those who wanted to kill them	Est 9.9-16	75,800	75,800
Total			291,518	371,295