Richard Dawkins: The God of the Old Testament

(29 July 17: I originally posted this nearly nine years ago, soon after Richard Dawkins's wonderful speech. More recently, the Freedom From Religion Foundation created a new website based upon this speech and Dan Barker's book - God: the Most unpleasant Character in all Fiction. So I thought I'd repost this and update the list with additions from FFRF's site and Dan's Book.)

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.

The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it

How jealous and proud is he? Well, his name is Jealous. And he named himself!

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God: Exodus 34:14

Here are some more verses where God brags about his jealousy.

I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God. Deuteronomy 4:24

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Deuteronomy 5:9

(For the LORD thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the LORD thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 6:15

The LORD will not spare him, but then the anger of the LORD and his jealousy shall smoke against that man, and all the curses that are written in this book shall lie upon him, and the LORD shall blot out his name from under heaven. Deuteronomy 29:20

They provoked him to jealousy with strange gods, with abominations provoked they him to anger. Deuteronomy 32:16

They have moved me to jealousy with that which is not God; they have provoked me to anger with their vanities: and I will move them to jealousy with those which are not a people; I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation. Deuteronomy 32:21

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

And Judah did evil in the sight of the LORD, and they provoked him to jealousy with their sins. 1 Kings 14:22

And he put forth the form of an hand, and took me by a lock of mine head; and the spirit lifted me up between the earth and the heaven, and brought me in the visions of God to Jerusalem, to the door of the inner gate that looketh toward the north; where was the seat of the image of jealousy, which provoketh to jealousy. Ezekiel 8:3

Then said he unto me, Son of man, lift up thine eyes now the way toward the north. So I lifted up mine eyes the way toward the north, and behold northward at the gate of the altar this image of jealousy in the entry. Ezekiel 8:5

I will judge thee, as women that break wedlock and shed blood are judged; and I will give thee blood in fury and jealousy. Ezekiel 16:38

So will I make my fury toward thee to rest, and my jealousy shall depart from thee, and I will be quiet, and will be no more angry. Ezekiel 16:42

And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire. Ezekiel 23:25

Surely in the fire of my jealousy have I spoken against the residue of the heathen. Ezekiel 36:5

For in my jealousy and in the fire of my wrath have I spoken, Surely in that day there shall be a great shaking in the land of Israel. Ezekiel 38:19

God is jealous, and the LORD revengeth; the LORD revengeth, and is furious; Nahum 1:2

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I am jealous for Jerusalem and for Zion with a great jealousy. Zechariah 1:14

Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury. Zechariah 8:2

All the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy. Zephaniah 3:8

a petty,

A golden bell and a pomegranate ... shall be upon Aaron to minister: and his sound shall be heard when he goeth in unto the holy place before the LORD, and when he cometh out, that he die not. Exodus 28:34-35

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. Leviticus 19:19

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. Leviticus 19:27

Thou shalt not sacrifice unto the LORD thy God any bullock, or sheep, wherein is blemish, or any evilfavouredness: for that is an abomination unto the LORD thy God. Deuteronomy 17:1

Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself. Deuteronomy 22:12

He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation. Deuteronomy 23:2

Thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee. For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp. Deuteronomy 23:13-14

Behold, I am against your pillows. Ezekiel 13:20

unjust,

If thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

The LORD slew all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both the firstborn of man, and the firstborn of beast. Exodus 13:15

I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation. Exodus 20:5

Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers. Isaiah 14:21

(See here for a more complete list of Old Testament injustices.)

unforgiving

He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins. Joshua 24:19

For the innocent blood that he shed: for he filled Jerusalem with innocent blood; which the LORD would not pardon. 2 Kings 24:4

Therefore pray not thou for this people, neither lift up a cry or prayer for them: for I will not hear them in the time that they cry unto me for their trouble. Jeremiah 11:14

When they fast, I will not hear their cry; and when they offer burnt offering and an oblation, I will not accept them: but I will consume them by the sword, and by the famine, and by the pestilence. Jeremiah 14:12

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

control-freak;

But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: ... The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods (hemorrhoids), and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. The LORD shall smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart: ... Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her: ... The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head. ... And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters ... The tender and delicate woman among you, which would not adventure to set the sole of her foot upon the ground for delicateness and tenderness, her eye shall be evil toward the husband of her bosom, and toward her son, and toward her daughter, And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them. Deuteronomy 28:15-68

For another 1647 examples see Every Jot and Tittle: All of the Commandments in the Bible

a vindictive,

I kill .. I wound ... I will render vengeance to mine enemies ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

He will avenge the blood of his servants, and will render vengeance to his adversaries. Deuteronomy 32:43

To me belongeth vengeance and recompence ... for the day of their calamity is at hand. Deuteronomy 32:35

And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them. Nunbers 11:1

Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, Behold, I will punish them: the young men shall die by the sword; their sons and their daughters shall die by famine: Jeremiah 11:22

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

And I will execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen, such as they have not heard. Micah 5:15

bloodthirsty

And the priest shall dip his finger in some of the blood, and sprinkle it seven times before the LORD. Leviticus 4:17

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

I kill .. I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

But God shall wound the head of his enemies ... That thy foot may be dipped in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same. Psalm 68:21-23

For the indignation of the LORD is upon all nations, and his fury upon all their armies: he hath utterly destroyed them, he hath delivered them to the slaughter. Their slain also shall be cast out, and their stink shall come up out of their carcases, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood. Isaiah 34:2-3

For my sword shall be bathed in heaven. Isaiah 34:5

The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, ... their land shall be soaked with blood, ... For it is the day of the LORD's vengeance. Isaiah 34:7-8

And I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine. Isaiah 49:26

I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment. Isaiah 63:2-6

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

For this is the day of the Lord GOD of hosts, a day of vengeance, that he may avenge him of his adversaries: and the sword shall devour, and it shall be satiate and made drunk with their blood. Jeremiah 46:10

Cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. Jeremiah 48:10

Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field, Assemble yourselves, and come; gather yourselves on every side to my sacrifice that I do sacrifice for you, even a great sacrifice upon the mountains of Israel, that ye may eat flesh, and drink blood. Ezekiel 39:17

Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth. Ezekiel 39:18

And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. Ezekiel 39:19

And I will bring distress upon men, that they shall walk like blind men, because they have sinned against the LORD: and their blood shall be poured out as dust, and their flesh as the dung. Zephaniah 1:17 (See here for a more complete list of Old Testament cruelties.

ethnic cleanser;

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

a misogynistic,

Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, an do ye to them as is good in your eyes. Genesis 19:8

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged. Leviticus 19:20

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive? ... Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves. Nunbers 31:15-19

And when the LORD thy God hath delivered it into thine hands, thou shalt smite every male thereof with the edge of the sword: But the women ... shalt thou take unto thyself. Deuteronomy 20:13-14

And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her .... Thou shalt go in unto her. Deuteronomy 21:11-13

If a man have two wives, one beloved, and another hated .... Deuteronomy 21:15

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her ... Deuteronomy 22:13

I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid. Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city. But if ... the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die. Deuteronomy 22:14-21

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. Deuteronomy 22:23-24

When two men strive together on with another, and the wife of the one ... putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. 1 Samuel 18:27

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 2 Samuel 12:11

And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I am the LORD Ezekiel 26:6

homophobic,

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. Leviticus 18:22

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

racist,

One of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses ... And when Phinehas ... saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. Numbers 25:6-8

The LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth. Deuteronomy 7:6

An Ammonite or Moabite shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to their tenth generation shall they not enter into the congregation of the LORD for ever. Deuteronomy 23:3

infanticidal,

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon. Exodus 12:29

Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:16

I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. Leviticus 26:22

And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:29

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. ... And the LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick... on the seventh day, that the child died. 2 Samuel 12:14-18

Therefore the fathers shall eat the sons in the midst of thee, and the sons shall eat their fathers. Ezekiel 5:10

And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9

genocidal,

Thou shalt surely smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword. Deuteronomy 13:15

But of the cities of these people, which the LORD thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth. Deuteronomy 20:16-17

So smote all the country ... he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded. Joshua 10:40

Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. 1 Samuel 15:2-3

filicidal,

And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering. Genesis 22:2

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death. Leviticus 20:9

And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. Leviticus 21:9

If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods ... hou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. Psalm 137:9

pestilential,

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague. Nunbers 11:33

And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. Nunbers 21:6

The hand of the LORD was against the city ... and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 1 Samuel 5:9

So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? ... So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24:13

So will I send upon you famine and evil beasts, and they shall bereave thee: and pestilence and blood shall pass through thee; and I will bring the sword upon thee. I the LORD have spoken it. Ezekiel 5:17

megalomaniacal,

Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly. 2 Samuel 22:8-11

Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:23

sadomasochistic,

Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt break the sherds thereof, and pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:34

capriciously malevolent

Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women: but come not near any man upon whom is the mark ... fill the courts with the slain: go ye forth. And they went forth, and slew in the city. Ezekiel 9:4-7

Therefore will I also deal in fury: mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity: and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them. Ezekiel 8:18

And the cities that are inhabited shall be laid waste, and the land shall be desolate; and ye shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 12:20

bully.

And I will appoint over them four kinds, saith the LORD: the sword to slay, and the dogs to tear, and the fowls of the heaven, and the beasts of the earth, to devour and destroy. Jeremiah 15:3

And I will call for a sword against him throughout all my mountains, saith the Lord GOD: every man's sword shall be against his brother. And I will plead against him with pestilence and with blood; and I will rain upon him, and upon his bands, and upon the many people that are with him, an overflowing rain, and great hailstones, fire, and brimstone. Thus will I magnify myself, and sanctify myself; and I will be known in the eyes of many nations, and they shall know that I am the LORD. Ezekiel 38:21-23

The Best Fathers in the Bible: Examples for Father's Day

Since it's getting close to Father's Day, I'm bumping this post up again.

---

1. Noah, the just preacher of righteousness
   For some reason, God really liked Noah. He hated everyone else, though. Hated them so much, in fact, that he drowned every last one of them, except for Noah (and his family), that is.
   
    What was it that God liked about Noah? Well, the bible doesn't say. It only says that he was a "just and perfect preacher of righteousness." (Genesis 6:9, 7:1; 2 Peter 2:5)
   
   It isn't until after the flood, though, that we find out about his true character. Noah plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan.
   

   And Noah ... planted a vineyard: And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without. And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces were backward, and they saw not their father's nakedness. And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren. Genesis 9:20-25

    So drink up on Father's Day all you dads out there. Pass out and lie around naked in front of God and everybody. If any of your kids happen to see you, curse them in the name of the Lord -- or better yet, curse your unborn grandkids and all of their descendants with slavery. Just follow the example of that just and perfect, godly preacher of righteousness, Noah!
   
   
2. Lot, the just and righteous
   Lot was a family man and one of God's special heroes. Out of all of the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah, God saved only Lot and his family, because Lot was, according to the bible, a just and righteous man (2 Peter 2:7-8). He was also, no doubt, an excellent father. Here is what the Bible says about him.
   
   He offered his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers, saying:
   

   "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." -- Genesis 19:8

   Later he got drunk and impregnated them.

   Lot ... dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him.... And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. -- Genesis 19:30-36

   So if you are attacked by a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers on Father's Day, follow the just and righteous Lot's example. Offer your virgin daughters to the mob to do whatever they want to do with them and then (if your daughters survive that) get drunk and impregnate them.
   
   
3. Abraham
   Abraham abandoned his first son, Ishmael, sending him and his mother into the desert to die.
   

   Wherefore she (Sarah) said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael) ... And God said unto Abraham ... hearken unto her voice. ... And Abraham ... took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness. -- Genesis 21:10-14

   He then agreed to sacrifice his second son (his "only" son) to God as a burnt offering.

   And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and ... offer him there for a burnt offering.... And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son. -- Genesis 22:2, 10

   So if your wife can't stand one of your kids and tells you to throw him or her out of the house, follow Father Abraham's example and do what she says. Then later, if God asks you to kill one of your other children, do that too. Don't worry about it. God will probably send an angel to protect the abandoned child and provide a goat for you to kill instead of your kid at the last minute. Just be willing to abandon and kill your children for God if he asks you to. That's the important thing.
   
   
4. Isaac
   Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Isaac loved Esau (because he liked to eat his venison), Rebekah loved Jacob (God knows why), and God hated Esau.
   

   Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob. -- Genesis 25:28

   Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated. -- Romans 9:13

   The Bible doesn't say anything more about Isaac's relationship with his two sons until he is about to die, when Rebekah, Jacob, and God all work together to steal Isaac's blessing of Esau and make it apply to Jacob instead. It's a bit too long to tell here, so I suggest you read the Brick Testament story instead. There is an important message for fathers here. Every father should understand that God will love some of his children and hate others. Don't worry about it. Just try to find out which of you children God hates and then go and do likewise.
   
   
5. Jacob
   Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.)
   

   Now Israel [Jacob] loved Joseph more than all his children ... And when his brethren saw that their father loved him more than all his brethren, they hated him. -- Genesis 37:3-4

   So don't fall for the modern secular lie that a father should love all of children as much and as equally as possible. Follow the example of Jacob and love one of your children more than all of the others.
   
   
6. Aaron
   Aaron watched quietly as his sons were burned to death by God.
   

   And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not. And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. .... And Aaron held his peace. -- Leviticus 10:1-3

   So if God decides to burn your children to death for burning incense or whatever, just watch quietly. And for God's sake, don't complain about it.
   
   
7. Caleb
   Caleb was one of the twelve scouts that Moses sent out during the Exodus to check out the land of Canaan. Since Caleb told Moses what he wanted to hear (that it would be easy to conquer the Canaanites), he was rewarded, while the ten honest scouts (who filed more discouraging reports) were killed by God in a plague (God's 18th killing).
   
   Forty years later, when the Israelites were busy killing Canaanites, Caleb offered a reward to whomever could smite (kill all the inhabitants of) the city of Kirjathsepher. The reward was his daughter, Achsah.
   

   Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife. Joshua 15:16

   The guy who won the reward happened to be one of Caleb's relatives.
   

   And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife. Joshua 15:17

   It's hard to tell from that verse whether Othniel was Caleb's brother or nephew, but whichever it was God approved of the whole thing. Because Caleb was "God's servant."
   

   And the LORD said ... my servant Caleb, because he had another spirit with him, and hath followed me fully, him will I bring into the land whereinto he went; and his seed shall possess it. Numbers 15:20-23

   So to all you dads out there, God says it's OK to give your daughter to someone who commits genocide for you, even if the someone is a close relative, like a uncle or even a brother. What the heck.
   
   
8. Gideon
   Gideon is a great example for all Christian men. He had many wives and seventy sons.
   

   And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. -- Judges 8:30

   He taught taught his sons what it means to be a real man.
   

   And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, and slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he was yet a youth. ... And Gideon arose, and slew [them]. -- Judges 8:20-21

   This one is pretty obvious. Try to have as many wives and sons as possible. And teach your sons what it means to be real men. (Real men are not afraid to kill people.)
   
   
9. Jephthah
   When the spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, he promised to offer to God as a burnt offering whatever came to greet him when he returned from battle. When his daughter greeted him after a successful God-assisted slaughter, he honored his promise to God by killing and burning his daughter for God.
   

   Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah.... And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands, Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands. And he smote them ... with a very great slaughter. ... And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances.... And ... when he saw her... said, Alas, my daughter! ... I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back. And she said unto him ... Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows. ... And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed. -- Judges 11:29-39

   So when the spirit of the Lord comes upon you and you promise God to kill whomever you happen to see first when you get home from your latest God-assisted genocide, remember Jephthah and fulfill your promise to God, even if it means you have to kill and burn your daughter as a sacrifice to God.
   
   
10. Saul
    Saul offered to sell his daughter for 100 Philistine foreskins.
    

    And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. -- 1 Samuel 18:25

    David bought her for twice the asking price (200 foreskins).

    Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 1 Samuel 18:27

    And since "David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD ... save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite," we know that God approved of the transaction. So don't settle for just a few foreskins when selling your daughters.
    
    
11. David
    You can tell a lot about a father by his last words to his children. Take David for example.
    David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
    

    Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6

    So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.
    

    It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 1 Kings 2:29-34

    And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

    Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2:8-9

    So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.

    So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2:44-46

    The lesson here is this: have a list of people you'd like your children to kill for you after your die.
    
    
12. Job
    Job was a perfect man (and perfect father) with ten children, seven sons and three daughters.
    

    There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect ... There were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Job 1:1-2

    As part of a bet, God and Satan killed Job's children. After the killing, Job "blessed God" and didn't "foolishly" blame God for his murderous Satanic bet. (See here for details. Or read all 8 of the Brick Testament stories about Job.)
    
    In the end, God rewarded Job for not complaining by replacing the dead children with a completely a new set of ten kids. And the new daughters were even prettier than before!
    

    So the LORD blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning ... He had also seven sons and three daughters ... And in all the land were no women found so fair as the daughters of Job. Job 42:12-13

    So remember dads, if you don't like your children all that much, or have some ugly daughters or whatnot, just ask God and Satan to kill them for you. That way you're sure to get a better set of kids.
      
13. Hosea
    Hosea's family life was prearranged by God, and was, therefore, perfect by definition.
    
    God told him to take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer.
    

    The LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD.  So he went and took Gomer. Hosea 1:2-3

    Gomer had a daughter, which God told Hosea to name "unloved."
    

    Gomer ... conceived ... and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah. Hosea 1:3-6

    Hosea tells his unloved daughter that her mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks her to tell her  mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he (Hosea or God?) will "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst."
    

    Plead with your mother, plead: for she is not my wife, neither am I her husband: let her therefore put away her whoredoms out of her sight, and her adulteries from between her breasts. Lest I strip her naked, and set her as in the day that she was born ... and slay her with thirst. Hosea 2:

    God (or Hosea, it's hard to tell them apart) says he will not have mercy on Hosea's children, because their mother is a whore.
    

    I will not have mercy upon her children; for they be the children of whoredoms.
    For their mother hath played the harlot. Hosea 2:4-5

    So there you have it: the perfect example for godly fathers.
    
    Marry a whore, give your children nasty names like "unloved," tell them their mother is a whore, and have no mercy on them since they are "the children of whoredoms."
    
    
14. Simon Peter
    We don't know from the gospels whether or not Peter was a father, but he was definitely a married man, since Jesus rebuked Peter's mother-in-law's fever.
    

    He [Jesus] arose out of the synagogue, and entered into Simon's house. And Simon's wife's mother was taken with a great fever; and they besought him for her. And he stood over her, and rebuked the fever; and it left her: and immediately she arose and ministered unto them. Luke 4:38-39

    Since Peter was married, it's reasonable to suppose that he had children, not that it matters much since Jesus encouraged his disciples to abandon their wives and children. (The first pope abandoned his family for Jesus in Luke 5:11.)
    

    Jesus said ... Every one that hath forsaken ... wife, or children ... for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life. Matthew 19:28-29 Mark 10:29-30, Luke 18:29-30

    So to hell with fatherhood. Forsake wife and children for Jesus. (He'll give you a big reward for it!)
    
    
15. God the Father
    Somehow I forgot about him. But you can read all about his fathering skills here: here.
    
    

A Darwin quote for Darwin Day

For Darwin Day, I thought I'd (re)post one of my favorite Darwin quotes. Here it is:

I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent & omnipotent God would have designedly created the Ichneumonidae with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of caterpillars, or that a cat should play with mice. -- From a letter to Asa Gray, 22 May 1860

The Ichneumonidae is a family of wasps. A very big family. It is, in fact, one of the largest families in the largest class of animals, the insects. There are over 60,000 species of ichneumonid wasps, each one, according to creationists, specially designed by God. My question for them is the same as Charles Darwin's: Why? Why would a beneficent and omnipotent God do such a thing?

To understand the question, it is necessary to know a bit about the ichneumonids. First of all, most are parasitoids, which means that their larvae develop inside the body of a living host, which they slowly eat alive. Eventually, when the wasp larvae pupate, they erupt out of the body of the host that they have gradually consumed, tormented, and destroyed as larvae.

It is easy to see how such a thing could exist from an evolutionary standpoint. The body of a caterpillar is good food for larvae. It's not surprising that some organisms have evolved to take advantage of it. But what kind of a God would purposefully design it to be that way?

I have heard five different answers:

1. God originally made everything good; there was no suffering or death until the fall of Adam. Then all hell broke loose. Animals immediately began to kill and eat each other, and predators, parasites, parasitoids, and pathogens roamed the earth. (Creation Ministries)

2. God made things nasty right from the start just to show us how important we are to him. He knew that Adam would sin, so he made nature cruel to show us the serious nature of sin. (Dembski's Defective Design Inference)

3. God made everything good and then Satan messed everything up. (Gregory Boyd's Cosmic Warfare Theodicy)

4. God likes it just fine the way it is. He created it that way for is own pleasure. He likes to watch things suffer. (David Snoke)

5. God couldn't help it and had nothing to do with it. He would have liked to create a kind and peaceful world, but he had to let things play out according to the laws of nature, over which he had no control. So the ichneumonid wasps just evolved, along with everything else, over millions of years while God sadly watched from a distance, unable to affect the outcome. (Ken Miller)

For each of these answers, though, I have a question.

1. How did things change so quickly? Were the 60,000 ichneumonid species specially created by God the moment Adam sinned? Or did God magically turn 60,000 butterfly species into parasitic wasps? Or did they all evolve (super)naturally in a few thousand years?

2. How do the ichneumonids teach us about sin? Until about the time of Darwin no one (except God) even knew they existed? Yet God created them just for us, just to teach us a lesson?

3. So Satan created the Ichneumonids? Along with scorpions, spiders, snakes, and sharks? He must have been a busy guy!

4. How could a kind and loving God create things just to watch them suffer?

5. A God who can't create or control anything isn't a God at all.

Here are some cool videos about the Ichneumonids.

The first one is from David Attenborough's marvelous "Life in the Undergrowth."

And here's one showing a Ichneumonid wasp (Megarhyssa sp.) drilling through the bark of an oak tree to deposit an egg in the tunnel of the siricid wood wasp, whose larva the Maegarhyssa lava will eat alive from the inside in the traditional Ichneumonid fashion (just like God intended it to be).

Call me Ishi

That's what God wants you to call him. He said so in the Bible.

It shall be at that day, saith the LORD, that thou shalt call me Ishi. Hosea 2:16

If you call him "Ishi" (hubsand),  he'll make a covenant with the beasts, fowls, and creeping things.

In that day will I make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and with the fowls of heaven, and with the creeping things of the ground. 2:18

Then he'll marry and get to know you.

I will betroth thee unto me for ever ... and thou shalt know the LORD. 2:19-20

On his (and your) wedding day, he (Ishi) will hear the heavens and the heavens will hear the earth. The earth will hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil. And Ishi will sow his wife (you) on the earth. (Or something like that.)

In that day, I will hear, saith the LORD, I will hear the heavens, and they shall hear the earth. And the earth shall hear the corn, and the wine, and the oil ... And I will sow her unto me in the earth. 2:21-23

So give it some thought. It might be a lot of fun.

Make God happy; call him "Ishi" and marry him. He'll get to know you and sow you like a field.

He'll make a deal with the animals; he'll hear the heavens, the heavens will hear the earth, and the earth will hear the corn, wine, and oil.

A good time will be had by all.

And you and Ishi will live happily together forever.

The worst person in the Bible

As anyone who has read the Bible knows, there are a lot of bad people in the (not so very) Good Book. Noah, Abraham, Lot, Moses, Joshua, Jephthah, Gideon, Samson, David, Elijah, Elisha, Jesus -- there are many candidates for the worst person in the Bible award.

My choice for the award isn't on the above list. It is someone that many Bible believers have never even heard of.

His name is Jehu.

The story of Jehu is told in 2 Kings chapters 9 and 10, where God, through the prophet Elisha, anoints Jehu as king and commands him to perform a series of serial killings. First he is told to kill everyone in Ahab's family, especially all those who have ever "pissed against a wall."

Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab ... For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall. 2 Kings 9:7-9

So Jehu rides off in his chariot to kill Ahab's son, Jehoram -- a wall pisser if ever there was one.

After killing Jehoram, Jehu killed Ahab's wife, Jezebel, whom God wanted not just dead, but treated like shit and fed to the dogs.

And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and there shall be none to bury her. 9:10

This is the word of the LORD ... dogs [shall] eat the flesh of Jezebel: And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field. 9:36-37

So Jehu had Jezebel thrown off a wall to be trampled by horses and fed to the dogs.

Then it was time to take care of the rest of Ahab's family. So Jehu ordered the rulers of Jezreel to cut off the heads of 70 of Ahab's sons and deliver them to him in two baskets.

But there were still a few other wall-pissers on God's hit list. So Jehu searched the town of Jezreel for any and all of Ahab's remaining family and friends -- whoever was associated somehow with Ahab and might have pissed against a wall at one time or another.

Then he killed them all.

So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining. 2 Kings 10:11

But there were still more of Ahab's family to kill. (Ahab had a very large family.) So Jehu drove off to Samaria to meet with the family of King Ahaziah of Judah (a relative of Ahab).

It was a short, productive meeting. Jehu had only one action item: kill all 42 attendees.

Jehu met with the brethren of Ahaziah king of Judah ... And he [Jehu] said, Take them alive. And they took them alive, and slew them at the pit of the shearing house, even two and forty men; neither left he any of them. 10:13-14

There were still a few more of Ahab's relatives to kill, however. So Jehu and a very close friend show off their "zeal for the Lord" by slaughtering the rest of Ahab's family.

When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab the son of Rechab coming to meet him: and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. If it be, give me thine hand. And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot. And he said, Come with me, and see my zeal for the LORD ... And when he came to Samaria, he slew all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him, according to the saying of the LORD. 10:15-17

And finally, after Jehu finished killing Ahab's family in Samaria, he called an assembly to worship Baal. Then when the worshipers arrived, he killed them all.

Jehu said, Proclaim a solemn assembly for Baal. And they proclaimed it. And Jehu sent through all Israel: and all the worshippers of Baal came, so that there was not a man left that came not. And they came into the house of Baal; and the house of Baal was full from one end to another. ... As soon as he had made an end of offering the burnt offering, that Jehu said to the guard and to the captains, Go in, and slay them; let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword. 2 Kings 10:20-25

And that's all the Bible says about Jehu. Still it seems enough to award him the title of the worst person in the Bible.

But what about God? Since he ordered the killings, isn't he even worse than Jehu?

And the LORD said unto Jehu, Because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart, thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel. 2 Kings 10:30

Well, yes he is. Richard Dawkins was quite right when he said that "the God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction." But he's not human (or a corporation), so he doesn't qualify as a person.

To be fair to God, I should mention that God seemed to change his mind about the Jehu mass murders.

And the LORD said unto him, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu, and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel. Hosea 1:4

---

The Watchtower, however, has no such reservations about Jehu. It calls Jehu "a champion of pure worship" and a model for disfellowshipping.

[T]o rid the congregation of potentially corrupting influences, Christian elders may have to act with courage similar to that of Jehu. And all members of the congregation need to be determined to avoid the company of disfellowshipped individuals. ... No doubt you can see that circumstances faced by Christians today require that they manifest certain qualities possessed by Jehu. Watchtower, Nov 15, 2011

Woe is God.

Woe to them that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds! Micah 2:1

Thus saith the LORD; Behold, against this family do I devise an evil. Micah 2:3

Remember David: Don't fill out Satan's 2010 Census form

This is a census year in the United States. Article 1, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution requires a complete enumeration every ten years.

[An] Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.

But Michele Bachmann won't be participating.

She claims it has something to do with WWII Japanese American internment camps, but I think it's all about the Bible. Michele knows her Bible too well to participate in a God-damned government census.

Remember what happened with David's census? God killed 70,000 men (and who knows how many women and children) in three days of pestilence.

Why did God kill so many people? Because David had a census.

David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel ... and bring the number of them to me, that I may know it.
...
And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David.
...
And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel.
...
So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men. 1 Chronicles 21:2-14

And why did David have the census?

Because Satan told him to.

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1

Michele Bachmann knows that if Satan could fool David, a man after God's own heart, he sure as hell could fool the authors of the U.S. Constitution.

---

Note: Michele also knows that Satan had help in inspiring the David's census.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

Satan and God worked on it together. But that's beside the point. God got angry and he and/or Satan inspired David to have a census and then God killed a couple hundred thousand people because of the census.

So it doesn't matter whether the 2010 census was inspired by God or Satan or both. God hates censuses, and he kills those that participate in them.

God is no smarter than Sarah Palin (He writes on his palm, too!)

Remember how Sarah Palin wrote crib notes on her hand at the Tea Party Convention?

Yeah well, she's not the only one. God did it, too!

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands. Isaiah 49:16

And now she's quoting this verse to justify using her palm for a cheat sheet.

Here's what she said at a Ohio Right To Life fundraiser Friday night.

"If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us,"

Of course the Right To Life folks loved it. They're all palm writers, too.

Jon Stewart finds a few good Bible verses

I'm sure you've heard the latest crazy thing that Pat Robertson has said: that the earthquake in Haiti was a punishment from God for the slave revolt of 1791 in which the Haitian slaves made a pact with the devil.

You've probably also seen Jon Stewart's reaction.

After showing the Robertson video clip, Stewart got out a jumbo edition of the Bible and said:

Look how big your book is!

As if the Bible were filled with good, comforting verses for the devastated people of Haiti. He even found and quoted four verses from four different translations of the Bible.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

Thou who hast made me see many sore troubles wilt revive me again; from the depths of the earth thou wilt bring me up again. Psalm 71:20

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

And in a way, Jon Stewart and his staff should be commended for this. Because although the Bible is indeed a very big book, it is not a very good one. So it's not easy to find good stuff in the Bible, no matter what translation you use.

It's much easier to find verses that support Pat Robertson's position. God killed millions of people in the Bible for all kinds of stupid reasons or for no reason at all. And he enjoyed every minute of it.

God sent a flood to drown people, smashed them with burning stones, burned them to death for complaining, sent fiery serpents to bite them, bears to rip up their children, forced family and friends to kill each other, and gave people hemorrhoids in their secret parts. And that's just a small sample of God's killings. He is proud of each and every one of them.

Here's what he has to say about them:

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

If God exists, he sent the earthquake on the people of Haiti. And he did it for a reason that is every bit as stupid as the one that Pat Robertson came up with. (Someone spilled his seed on the ground, had inter-racial sex, danced naked around a golden calf, picked up some sticks on the sabbath, complained about the lack of food and water, made fun of a bald-headed preacher, had a census of some kind, burned the wrong kind of incense, believed in the wrong god, had the wrong parents, was born in the wrong country, or made a pact with the devil.)

It's true, of course, that Pat Robertson is full of shit. But the shit that he's full of is the Bible, the whole Bible, and nothing but the Bible. It should be exposed for what it is instead of trying to cover it up with a few good verses and a swipe at Rachel Maddow.

Steven Weiberg doesn't like God

(No one does who is honest about it.)

I really don't like God. It's silly to say that I don't like God, because I don't believe believe in God. But in the same sense that I don't like Iago, or the Reverend Slope, or any of the other villains of literature. The God of traditional Judaism, Christianity and Islam seems to me a terrible character. He's a God who is obsessed with the degree to which people worship him and anxious to punish with the most awful torments those who don't worship him in the right way.

God the giant killer

After God kills off the old soldiers in his early retirement program and before the new, youthful army begins to kill again for him, he brags a bit about some of his past killings. He is especially proud of knocking off an entire race of giants, the Zamzummim.

That also was accounted a land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time; and the Ammonites call them Zamzummims; A people great, and many, and tall, as the Anakims; but the LORD destroyed them before them; and they succeeded them, and dwelt in their stead. Deuteronomy 2:20-21

There were a few other groups that God also killed that I don't think I've accounted for yet: the Horim, Avim, and the Caphtorim.

As he did to the children of Esau, which dwelt in Seir, when he destroyed the Horims from before them; and they succeeded them, and dwelt in their stead even unto this day: And the Avims which dwelt in Hazerim, even unto Azzah, the Caphtorims, which came forth out of Caphtor, destroyed them, and dwelt in their stead. Deuteronomy 2:22-23

The Bible doesn't say how many were in these groups. So I'll just guess 5,000 for the lot of them.

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God's next killing: God hardens King Sihon's heart so he can kill him and all of his people

And they fell on their faces (FOF)

When I was writing about God's last killing (His 21st, for those keeping score), I noticed that people were often falling on their faces (especially when they saw the glory of the Lord). So it got me thinking. This seems to be something that people in the Bible often do. But how often?

Well, I found 33 FOF events in the Bible. But my favorite is this one, from the Book of Ezekiel.

And I saw ... the appearance of his loins....
This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD.
And when I saw it, I fell upon my face.... Ezekiel 1:27-28

Well, if I saw God's loins, I'd probably fall on my face too.

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Here is a response to this post from The Pathway Machine.

God's Killings in Leviticus

I can only find two killings in Leviticus, but they are both doosies.

1. God burned to death Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire."
   Leviticus 10:1-3

   

2. A blasphemer is stoned to death at God's command.
   Leviticus 24:11-23

   

And although God only kills three people, he orders everyone else to kill plenty of others.

Some he wants you to stone to death.

• Blasphemers Leviticus 24:16

• People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) Leviticus 20:27

And others you must burn.

• A man that has sex with his wife and mother-in-law (burn all three) Leviticus 20:14

• A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" Leviticus 21:9

But most he just says you should kill, without specifying the method. (Although you should make sure, whatever method you use, that "their blood be upon them." It's probably best to use a humane, God-approved method like stoning or burning.)

• Children who curse their parents Leviticus 20:9

• Both parties in adultery Leviticus 20:10

• If a man has sex with his father's wife (kill them both) Leviticus 20:11

• A man that "lies" with his daughter-in-law (kill them both) Leviticus 20:12

• A man that has sex with another man (kill them both) Leviticus 20:13

• A man or woman that "lies with a beast" (kill man or woman and the beast) Leviticus 20:15-16

And of course God wants you to kill animals for him. Lots and lots of animals.

Indeed, the first 9 chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, wave the body parts over your head, and burn the whole bloody mess for a "sweet savor unto the Lord."

And what if you refuse to kill all these people and animals?

Here's what God will do to you.

If ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it.
...
I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children
...
And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. Leviticus 26:14-29

So it's up to you. Burn, stone, kill and slosh the blood of dead animals round about. Or God will force you to eat your children. It's just that simple.

And now on to God's killings in the Book of Numbers.

The Passover Plot -- God's Intelligently Designed Mass Murder

(Re-post for Passover)

Today at sunset is the beginning of Passover, a religious festival celebrating the mass murder of every non-Jewish "firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast." And the murderer is God himself.

Of course God had a motive for the murders. The Israelites (his favorite people) were enslaved by the Pharaoh, and God wanted them to be set free. And he tried all sorts of things to get Pharaoh's attention.

First he taught Moses some magic tricks. Like how to throw his rod on the ground and turn it into a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and make it a rod again.

And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it. And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand. Exodus 4:2-4

Next God showed Moses how to make his hand leprous and then cure it.

And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow. And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh. Exodus 4:6-7

And finally, God taught Moses to turn water into blood.

And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe also these two signs, neither hearken unto thy voice, that thou shalt take of the water of the river, and pour it upon the dry land: and the water which thou takest out of the river shall become blood upon the dry land. Exodus 4:9

God knew that none of this would work though, since he planned to harden Pharaoh's heart. (I guess he just wanted Moses to show off his magic tricks in front of Pharaoh anyway.)

And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go. Exodus 4:21

So God teaches Moses the magic tricks and then hardens the Pharaoh's heart to ensure that the tricks won't work. How's that for an intelligently designed plan?

But God had another plan up his sleeve: murder.

And thou shalt say unto Pharaoh, Thus saith the LORD, Israel is my son, even my firstborn: And I say unto thee, Let my son go, that he may serve me: and if thou refuse to let him go, behold, I will slay thy son, even thy firstborn. Exodus 4:23

In the very next verse, God's plans are interrupted by another divine impulse to kill. God tries to kill Moses!

And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Exodus 4:24

The Bible doesn't say why God tried to kill Moses, but it had something to do with foreskins. Here's what the holy book says.

Then Zipporah [Moses' wife] took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. Exodus 4:25

Makes sense to me. But back to the main murder story.

Moses recruits his brother, Aaron, to be his spokesman (since Moses has "uncircumscribed lips") and Aaron performs the rod to serpent magic trick for the Pharaoh. But darn it all! Pharaoh's magicians know that trick, too. Luckily it ends well, since Aaron's rod/snake swallows theirs.

And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron's rod swallowed up their rods. Exodus 7:10-12

Even with such a great trick, the Pharaoh was still unconvinced. But then I guess that was because God hardened his heart again.

And he hardened Pharaoh's heart, that he hearkened not unto them.Exodus 7:13

So enough with the tricks. It's time for God to get serious. He begins with the famous ten plagues of Egypt. I won't go through all that, since I want to complete this post while it's still passover. But here's a list.

1. Rivers turned to blood. (Pharaoh's magicians did this one too.) Exodus 7:17-24 BT

2. Frogs. (The magicians know the frog trick too!) Exodus 8:1-7 BT

3. Lice. (This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs.) Exodus 8:16-19 BT

4. Flies (continuing the frogs and lice theme) Exodus 8:21 BT

5. All cattle in Egypt die. Exodus 9:3-6 BT

6. Boils and blains upon man and beast. Exodus 9:9 BT

7. Hail. Exodus 9:19 BT

8. Locusts. Exodus 10: 4-15 BT

9. Three days of darkness. Exodus 10:21-23 BT

10. God kills all Egyptian firstborn humans and animals. Exodus 12: 29-30 BT

It is, of course, the last plague that is celebrated at passover, with the focus on how God knew who to kill.

Even for God, mass murder is a complicated and messy business. But God learned from his previous mistakes. In Noah's flood and at Sodom and Gomorrah, God didn't worry too much about collateral damage. He just drowned or burned to death everyone (except Noah, Lot, and some family members). This time, though, God wanted to be more selective in his killings.

So how did he decide which children to kill? Well, here's what he came up with.

Speak ye unto all the congregation of Israel, saying ... they shall take to them every man a lamb ... without blemish, a male of the first year ... and the whole assembly of the congregation of Israel shall kill it in the evening. And they shall take of the blood, and strike it on the two side posts and on the upper door post of the houses. ... For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast. ... And when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt. Exodus 12: 3-13

You've got to hand it to God. That is quite a plan.

God himself will come down and kill every firstborn child and animal (How did he know which was firstborn?) except for in houses that had lamb's blood smeared on door posts. But if he sees blood on door posts he will "passover" that house and refrain from murdering any children or pets.

And, if you are foolish and nasty enough to believe in the Bible, that is exactly what God did.

At midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle ... and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead. Exodus 12: 29-30

How could anyone celebrate passover or worship the God of the passover plot?