25 February 2012

Who had the most powerful spit: Jesus or Muhammad?

This is an important question.

Luckily, the gospels and Ash-Shifa can answer it for us. (Ash-Shifa is a 12th century biography of Muhammad that is considered authoritative throughout the Muslim world.)

Let's take Jesus' spit first.

  • In Mark's gospel, Jesus cured a deaf man by putting some of his holy spit on the deaf man's tongue.
    And they bring unto him one that was deaf, and had an impediment in his speech ... And he ... put his fingers into his ears, and he spit, and touched his tongue ... And straightway his ears were opened, and the string of his tongue was loosed, and he spake plain. Mark 7:32-35
  • And he cured a blind man by spitting on (or in) his eyes.
    And they bring a blind man unto him ... And ... he ... spit on his eyes [and] asked him if he saw ought. And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees, walking. After that he put his hands again upon his eyes, and made him look up: and he was restored, and saw every man clearly. Mark 8:22-25
  • The only other gospel that mentions Jesus' spit is John, which says that another blind man (or was it the same one?) was cured with mud made with Jesus spit followed by a holy water bath.
    And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him .... When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay, And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam ... He ... washed, and came seeing. John 9:1-7
Now let's consider the spit of the Prophet Muhammad (PB&J be upon him).
(All quotes are taken from Ash-Shifa.)
  • Just like Jesus, Muhammad cured blind and deaf people by spitting in their eyes or ears.
    Habib, either the son of Fudayk or Furayk's said that his father's eyes became so white that he had no vision at all. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva in to his eyes whereupon his vision was immediately restored. He was even seen threading a needle at the age of eighty! (p. 188)
    At the Battle of Khybar, Ali's eyes became very painful. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on them and they were immediately healed. (p. 188)
    A lady from Khuth'am had a child who was mute. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked for some water to be brought with which he rinsed his mouth and washed hands. Then he gave it to the mother and told her to wash the child and wipe him with it. The mother did as the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, had said and the child was no longer mute and had an intellect superior to most people. (p. 189)
  • And like Moses, he could make water miraculously appear. But he didn't have to strike a rock with his rod or even speak to the rock. He did it all with his spit.
    At Hudaybiyah, we are told by Al Bara', there were approximately 14,000 men, and the water well they found was insufficient to provide for even fifty sheep. The Companions crowded around the well until not one single drop remained. Then, the Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, came and sat beside it and a pail was brought to him in which he blew some of his saliva and supplicated. Salama reported that he either supplicated or blew some of his salvia in it whereupon water gushed forth and there was sufficient water for themselves and enough to fill their containers. (p. 170)
  • Like Jesus, Muhammad cured people with mud made with his own spit. But Muhammad's muddy spit treatment was administered orally rather than topically.
    Mula'ib's son suffered from an edema of water fluid, and sent a messenger to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, to tell him of his condition. The Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, took some dust from the ground, blew some of his salvia upon it and gave to the Mula'ib's messenger who was amazed and took it fearing that he would be laughed at. He returned to Mulai'b's son who was now on the verge of death and gave it to him. He consumed it and Allah cured him.
  • And Muhammad's spit, unlike Jesus', cured more than just blind and deaf people. It also worked on burn and hernia patients.
    There was a lady who brought her possessed son to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon, and Abbas' son tells us that the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked his chest whereupon the child vomited something that resembled a black puppy and was immediately cured. We are also told of the time Muhammad, Hatim's son was a child and a boiling pot overturned on his arm, the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, stroked it, supplicated, then blew some of his salvia on it and it was immediately healed. (p. 189)
    A man came to him suffering from a hernia. He instructed that it be sprinkled with water from a spring into which he had blown some saliva. After this had been carried out the man was cured. (p. 196)
  • Bad mannered girls behave much better after eating food from Muhammad's mouth. (There's nothing like this in the gospels.)
    A girl who was in the service of the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, asked him for some food when he was eating and as he never refused anyone anything he gave her what was in front of him. The girl was persistent and said, "I want the food in your mouth." So he gave her what was in his mouth. After she had swallowed it, she became well mannered and the change was apparent for all to see, and she became among the most well mannered girls of Medina. (p. 189)
  • Many soldiers were completely healed by rubbing Muhammad spit on their wounds. (Something similar occurred during Jesus' arrest, when a man with a severed ear was restored by Jesus' touch. But since no spit was involved, it doesn't count in the holy spit competition.)
    Abu Sa'id Al Khudri said that the Prophet, praise and peace, be upon him, put some of his saliva on the mark made by the arrow on the Day of Dhu Qarad and Abu Katada told him that it neither throbbed nor yet became infected. (p. 187)
    During the Battle of Uhud, Kulthum Hussain's son was shot in his throat. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it healed immediately. Abdullah, Anies' son was also among those injured during the encounter and sustained a wound to his head, once again the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva upon it and it did not turn septic. (p. 188)
    Salama, Al Akwa's son sustained a wound to his thigh during the battle and a similar miracle occurred whereby he too was immediately healed. (p. 188)
  • And finally, and most impressively, Muhammad cured amputees with his spit. (Not even God can do that!)
    It was during the Battle of Badr that Abu Jahl severed the hand of Mu'awwidh, Afra's son. Mu'awwidh went to the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him carrying his severed hand, whereupon the Prophet, praise and peace be upon him, blew some of his saliva on it, replaced it was immediately miraculously rejoined to his arm. It was during the same battle Wahb's son tells us that Khubaby, Yasaf's son was severely struck on the neck and half of it was severed. The Messenger of Allah, praise and peace be upon him, blew his salvia upon it and it was immediately healed. (p. 188-9)

So Muhammad wins the holy spit contest. I guess we should all convert to Islam. (What more evidence could anyone ever ask for?)


Nathan said...

But could either of them spit like Gaston?

TWF said...

Holy spit! That's hilarious!

Thanks for taking on this challenging question. :-)

Mormon411 said...

Are you a former Mormon?

"Dwindling in Unbelief" is a quote right out of the Book of Mormon.

Stephen said...

For those who did not appreciate Nathan's question, the relevant holy text is below. Although Gaston seems to lack the healing abilities of Jesus and Mo, he certainly has more power and range; that is probably equally impressive to the right type of mind. ;-)
As to the question, "nobody spits like Gaston". Settled.
Steve Weeks

No one fights like Gaston
Douses lights like Gaston
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston
For there's no one as burly and brawny

"As you see I've got biceps to spare"

Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny

"(That's right!)And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with hair"

No one hits like Gaston
Matches wits like Gaston
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston

"I'm espcially good at expectorating" (Ptooey!)

Ten points for Gaston!

Steve Wells said...


No I'm not a Mormon or ex-Mormon, but I did steal the phrase from the Book of Mormon. It caught my eye when I was creating the SABOM and thought it'd make a swell name for a blog.

Drake Shelton said...

Will you answer my ten questions?

1. What is your answer to the Pre-Socratic era of Greek Philosophy, and Zeno’s Paradox? Zeno of Elea (490-430 B.C.) brought the Pre Socratic era to a close with his devastating arguments against sensation, space and motion. First, was his famous Paradox. To be brief, Zeno’s argument, in essence, is that in order for Achilles to move from point A to point B he must come at least half the space. If so then he has to come at least a tenth; a hundredth; a millionth, etc. He must pass through an infinite number of points in a finite segment. Motion is therefore impossible and space is indefinable. (The essence of his argument is not a relation of motion to time but the impossibility of exhausting an infinite series. Neither is his argument that Achilles has to exhaust the series to the last point for there is no last point. Also, one cannot divide an infinite series. To do so one must assumethat the object in motion stops in mid-motion to create a mid-point. The mid-point then is only potential and not actual. I admit that it is possible to exhaust an infinite series of potential points, but not actual points. Also, you cannot appeal to imaginary, indemonstrable units of measurement like Plank Units to answer this paradox.) In a further complaint against the concept of space, Zeno argued that if atoms and motion required space there must also be super-space for space to exist in and another super-space for that, ad infinitum. Zeno also refuted the idea of sensation in the Atomistic system which denied qualities to atoms. In an exposition of Zeno’s criticism of Democritus’ Atomism (Later to dominate the Scientific Revolution) Dr. Clark says,

“When an ocean wave ‘thunders’ against the rocks, no atom produces an audible sensation; but the wave is nothing but atoms; therefore, it produces no sound.” (Ancient Philosophy, 272)...


Ian said...

#10 is a hoot, Drake Shelton. You forgot to mention that space aliens and the illuminati are also working with the Catholic Church to overthrow the US government and replace it with the New World Order.

Santorum's candidacy must scare the crap out of you, given how his supporters are overwhelmingly evangelical. I'm scared by it too, but for different reasons.

skanksta said...

those ten questions are very interesting Drake..

Can you answer the ONE question in the post - who has more powerful spit - Jesus or Muhammed ?

You could grow this in to a kind of top trumps superpower face-off between jc and Mo !
- maybe even some statistics on their magic powers...?

Fed Up With Faith said...

Hello, Love the Blog. Been reading a few lately! I started my own If you get time have a look



the eradicator said...

You guys are really morons, aren't you? Can you even begin to realise how great a sin it is to make fun of prophets? You could do worse than heed this advise of a wise man (paraphrase): "I'd rather believe in an unseen God and die to find it's untrue than unbelive and die to find it's true and that He exists to punish or reward me for my actions.". Ergo, take heed and cease and desist from such mischief and you may receive His guidance. Aameen.

Unknown said...

This article is awesome, by the way, and both enlightening and enjoyable (plus a pinch of epic and two cloves of awesome.)

But just one thing to consider:

Jesus and Muhammad are very similar, both in backstory and supposed ability. This being said, it might be that Jesus and Muhammad were equal in ability, as they were equally perceived as great prophets (And hardcore peace-hippies).

Then why is Muhammad’s spit so much more O.P.?

Could it be that the Allah simply felt that spit needed to be discussed more than Yahweh did, Making the Quran have more on the topic than the Bible?

In short, Jesus and Muhammad had the same spitting ability, the Bible just leaves out all the details.

P.S. Gaston has superior spitting ability to both of them, therefore Gaston is God. (And that’s why so many women and children were slaughtered in the old testament.)

Unknown said...

Awesome!! I was rolling with laughter.