Oh! Susanna

Chapter 13 in the book of Daniel tells the story of Susanna. Don’t look for it in the Protestant Bible, though. They left it out for some reason. They just don’t know what they’re missing.

The story begins with a man named Joakim and his beautiful wife, Susanna.

Now there was a man that dwelt in Babylon, and his name was Joakim: And he took a wife whose name was Susanna ... a very beautiful woman, and one that feared God. Daniel 13:1-2

Joachim was a rich man with an orchard near his house.

Now Joakim was very rich, and had an orchard near his house. 13:4

A couple of old judges liked to hang out there, just to get a glimpse of Susanna.

There were two of the ancients of the people appointed judges that year … These men frequented the house of Joakim.
Susanna ... walked in her husband' s orchard … And the old men saw her ... walking: and they were inflamed with lust towards her … And they watched carefully every day to see her. 13:5-10

On one hot day, Susanna went into the orchard to take a bath. And, as usual, the old men were hiding there to watch.

It fell out, as they watched a fit day, she went ... to wash herself in the orchard: for it was hot weather. And there was nobody there, but the two old men that had hid themselves and were beholding her. 13:15-16

When the dirty old men saw Susanna, they ran to her and said, “We’re in love with you. Let’s have sex.”

The two elders arose, and ran to her, and said: Behold the doors of the orchard are shut, and nobody seeth us, and we are in love with thee: wherefore consent to us, and lie with us. 13:19-20

If she refused, they would claim to have witnessed her having sex with a young man.

But if thou wilt not, we will bear witness against thee, that a young man was with thee. 13:21

After hearing that, Susanna started screaming and both elders did likewise.

With that Susanna cried out with a loud voice: and the elders also cried out against her. 13:24

When the everyone heard the screaming, they came to see what was up. And the old men accused Susanna of having sex with a young man.

The two elders rising up in the midst of the people … said: As we walked in the orchard alone, this woman came in with two maids, and shut the doors of the orchard, and sent away the maids from her. Then a young man that was there hid came to her, and lay with her. 13:34-37

They all believed them and condemned Susanna to death.

The multitude believed them as being the elders and the judges of the people, and they condemned her to death. 13:41

But then, just at the last minute, the Lord raised up the holy spirit of a young boy, whose name was Daniel.

And when she was led to be put to death, the Lord raised up the holy spirit of a young boy, whose name was Daniel. 13:45

Daniel, with the help of the holy spirit, knew just what to do. Interrogate each of the old men separately.

Daniel said to the people: Separate these two far from one another, and I will examine them. 13:51

So that’s what he did. 

Daniel asked the first old guy, under pain of being cut in two, “Under what tree did you see the Susanna and the young man conversing?”

So when they were put asunder one from the other, he called one of them, and said to him ... if thou sawest her, tell me under what tree thou sawest them conversing together. 13:52-54a

He answered, under a mastic tree.

He said. Under a mastic tree. And Daniell said: Well hast thou lied against thy own head: for behold the angel of God having received the sentence of him, shall cut thee in two. 13:54b-55

Then he asked the second old lecher the same question.

And ... he commanded that the other should come, and he said ... tell me, under what tree didst thou take them conversing together. 13:56-58a

He answered, “Under a holm tree.”

And he answered: Under a holm tree. And Daniel said to him: Well hast thou also lied against thy own head: for the angel of the Lord waiteth with a sword to cut thee in two, and to destroy you. 13:58b-59

When the people heard that, they all screamed, blessed God, and killed the two dirty old men, presumably by cutting each of them into two pieces -- just as Daniel said under the inspiration of the holy spirit.

With that all the assembly cried out with a loud voice, and they blessed God And they rose up against the two elders ... and they put them to death. 13:60-62

And Daniel, who was already great, became even greater in the sight of all the people from that day forward.

And Daniel became great in the sight of the people from that day, and thenceforward. 13:64

How many has God killed? Complete list and estimated total (Including Apocryphal killings)

Drunk With Blood Audiobook: Introduction

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and mine sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

The table shows two numbers: the number given by the Bible, if any, and an estimate, when no biblical number is available.

Total number killed by God in the Bible
- Using biblical numbers only: 2,821,364
 - With estimates: 25 million

(The table has been updated to include God's killings in the Apocrypha/Deuterocanonical books. I'll be adding the missing Apocryphal stories in the next few days.)

Killing Event		Reference	Bible's Number	Estimate
1	The Flood of Noah	Gen 7:23		20,000,000
2	Abraham's war to rescue Lot	Gen 14:17-19		1,000
3	Sodom and Gomorrah	Gen 19:24		2,000
4	Lot's wife	Gen 19:26	1	1
5	While they were sore, Dinah's brethren slew all the males	Gen 34:1-31, Judith 9:2-3	2	1,000
6	Er for being wicked in the sight of the Lord	Gen 38:7	1	1
7	Onan for spilling his seed	Gen 38:10	1	1
8	A seven year worldwide famine	Gen 41:25-54		70,000
9	There will be blood: The first plague of Egypt	Ex 7:15-27 , Wis 11:7-8		10,000
10	The seventh plague: hail	Ex 9:25		300,000
11	Firstborn Egyptian children	Ex 12:29-30		500,000
12	The Lord took off their chariot wheels	Ex 14:8-26	600	5,000
13	Amalekites	Ex 17:13		1,000
14	Who is on the Lord's side?: Forcing friends and family to kill each other	Ex 32:27-28	3,000	3,000
15	Aaron's golden calf	Ex 32:35		1,000
16	God burns Aaron's sons to death for offering "strange fire"	Lev 10:1-3	2	2
17	A blasphemer is stoned to death	Lev 24:10-23	1	1
18	When the people complained, God burned them to death	Num 11:1		100
19	While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them will a very great plague	Num 11:33		10,000
20	Ten scouts are killed for their honest report	Num 14:35-45	10	110
21	A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day is stoned to death	Num 15:32-35	1	1
22	Korah, his companions, and their families are buried alive	Num 16:27	3	9
23	God burns 250 people to death for burning incense	Num 16:35	250	250
24	God kills 14,700 for complaining about God's killings	Num 16:49	14,700	14,700
25	The massacre of the Aradies	Num 21:1-2		3,000
26	God sent serpents to bite people for complaining about the lack of food and water	Num 21:6		100
27	Phineas's double murder: A killing to end God's killing	Num 25:1-11	24,002	24,002
28	The Midianite massacre: Have ye saved all the women alive?	Num 31:1-35	6	200,000
29	God slowly killed the Israelite army	Dt 2:14-16		500,000
30	God the giant killer	Dt 2:21-22		5,000
31	God hardens King Sihon's heart so all his people can be killed	Dt 2:33-34	1	5,000
32	Og and all the men women, and children in 60 cities	Dt 3:6	1	60,000
33	The Jericho massacre	Jos 6:21		1,000
34	Achan and his family	Jos 7:10-26	1	5
35	The Ai massacre	Jos 8:1-25	12,000	12,000
36	God stops the sun so Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight	Jos 10:10-11		5,000
37	Five kings killed and hung on trees	Jos 10:26	5	10,000
38	Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord commanded	Jos 10:28-42	7	7,000
39	The genocide of twenty cities: There was not any left to breathe	Jos 11:8-12	2	20,000
40	The Anakim: some more giant killing	Jos 11:20-21		5,000
41	The Lord delivered the Canaanites and Perizzites	Jg 1:4	10,000	10,000
42	The Jerusalem massacre	Jg 1:8		1,000
43	Five massacres, a wedding, and God-proof iron chariots	Jg 1:9-25		5,000
44	The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim	Jg 3:7-10	1	1,000
45	Ehud delivers a message from God	Jg 3:15-22	1	1
46	God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites	Jg 3:28-29	10,000	10,000
47	Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad	Jg 3:31	600	600
48	Barak and God massacre the Canaanites	Jg 4:15-16		1,000
49	Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull	Jg 4:18-22	1	1
50	Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow	Jg 7:22	120,000	120,000
51	A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit	Jg 9:23-27	1,001	2,000
52	The Ammonite massacre	Jg 11:32-33		20,000
53	Jephthah's daughter	Jg 11:39	1	1
54	42,000 die for failing the "shibboleth" test	Jg 12:4-7	42,000	42,000
55	Samson murdered 30 men for their clothes	Jg 14:19	30	30
56	Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass	Jg 15:14-15	1,000	1,000
57	Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack	Jg 16:27-30	3,000	3,000
58	A holy civil war (it had something to do with rotting concubine body part messages)	Jg 20:35-37	65,100	65,100
59	The end of Judges: two genocides and 200 stolen virgins	Jg 21:10-14		4,000
60	God killed Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers	1 Sam 2:25, 4:11	34,002	34,002
61	God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts	1 Sam 5:1-12		3,000
62	50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord	1 Sam 6:19	50,070	50,070
63	The Lord thundered a great thunder upon the Philistines	1 Sam 7:10-11		1,000
64	Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)	1 Sam 11:6-13		1,000
65	Jonathan's first slaughter	1 Sam 14:12-14	20	20
66	God forces the Philistines to kill each other	1 Sam 14:20		1,000
67	The Amalekite genocide	1 Sam  15:2-3		10,000
68	Samuel hacks Agag to death before the Lord	1 Sam 15:32-33	1	1
69	In the valley of Elah: Goliath	1 Sam 17:51, 2 Sam 21:19	1	1
70	David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins	1 Sam  18:27	200	200
71	The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines	1 Sam 23:2-5		10,000
72	God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)	1 Sam 25:38	1	1
73	David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines	1 Sam 27:8-11		60,000
74	David spends the day killing Amalekites	1 Sam 30:17		1,000
75	God kills Saul, his sons, and his soldiers (because Saul didn't kill all the Amalekites)	1 Sam 31:2, 2 Chr 10:6	4	100
76	David kills the messenger	2 Sam 1:15	1	1
77	David killed, mutilated, and hung Rechab and Baanah	2 Sam 4:12	2	2
78	God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear	2 Sam 5:19-25		2,000
79	God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling	2 Sam 6:6-7, 1 Chr 13:9-10	1	1
80	David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2 Sam 8:2		667
81	And the Lord gave David victory wherever he went	2 Sam 8 - 10	65,850	66,850
82	David killed every male in Edom	2 Sam 8:13-14, 1 Kg 11:15-16, 1 Chr 18:12, Ps 60:1	15,000	25,000
83	Thus did David do to all the children of Ammon	2 Sam 11:1, 1 Chr 20:1		1,000
84	God slowly kills a baby	2 Sam 12:14-18	1	1
85	Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord	2 Sam 21:1-9	7	3,000
86	David's mighty men and their amazing killings	2 Sam 23, 1 Chr 11	1,403	3,400
87	God killed 70,000 because of David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do	2 Sam 24:15, 1 Chr 21:14	70,000	200,000
88	Solomon murdered Job and Shimei (per David's deathbed wish)	1 Kg 2:29-46	2	2
89	A tale of two prophets	1 Kg 13:11-24	1	1
90	Jeroboam's son: God kills another child	1 Kg 14:17	1	1
91	Jeroboam's family	1 Kg 15:29		10
92	Baasha's family and friends	1 Kg 16:11-12		20
93	Zimri burns to death	1 Kg 16:18-19	1	1
94	The drought of Elijah	1 Kg 17:1, Luke 4:25, James 5:17-18		3,000
95	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1 Kg 18:22-40	450	450
96	The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians	1 Kg 20:20-21		10,000
97	God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a god of the hills	1 Kg 20:28-29	100,000	100,000
98	God killed 27,000 Syrians by making a wall fall on them	1 Kg 20:30	27,000	27,000
99	God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet	1 Kg 20:35-36	1	1
100	God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king	1 Kg 20:42, 22:35	1	1
101	God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill	2 Kg 1:10-12	102	102
102	God killed Ahaziah for asking the wrong God	2 Kg 1:16-17, 2 Chr 22:7-9	1	1
103	God sent bears to kill 42 boys for making fun of a prophet's bald head	2 Kg 2:23-24	42	42
104	The Lord delivered the Moabites	2 Kg 3:18-25		5,000
105	A skeptic is trampled to death	2 Kg 7:2-20	1	1
106	God's seven year famine	2 Kg 8:1		7,000
107	Jehoram of Israel	2 Kg 9:24	1	1
108	Jezebel	2 Kg 9:33-37	1	1
109	Ahab's sons: 70 heads in two baskets	2 Kg 10:6-10	70	70
110	Ahab's hometown family, friends, and priests	2 Kg 10:11		20
111	Jehu killed Ahaziah's family	2 Kg 10:12-13, 2 Chr 22:7-9	42	42
112	Jehu and his partner kill the rest of Ahab's family	2 Kg 10:17		20
113	Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and then slaughtered them all	2 Kg 10:18-25		1,000
114	Mattan the priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah	2 Kg 11:17-20	2	2
115	God sent lions to eat those who didn't fear him enough	2 Kg 17:25-26		10
116	An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers	2 Kg 19:34, 37:36	185,000	185,000
117	God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons	2 Kg 19:37, Tobit 1:21	1	1
118	Josiah killed all the priests of the high places	2 Kg 23:20		100
119	Just another holy war	1 Chr 5:18-22		50,000
120	God killed a half million Israelite soldiers	2 Chr 13:17-18	500,000	500,000
121	Jeroboam	2 Chr 13:20	1	1
122	God killed a million Ethiopians	2 Chr 14:9-14	1,000,000	1,000,000
123	Friendly fire: God forced "a great multitude" to kill each other	2 Chr 20:22-25		30,000
124	God made Jehoram's bowels fall out	2 Chr 21:14-19	1	1
125	God killed Jehoram's sons	2 Chr 22:1		3
126	Ahaziah of Judah	2 Chr 22:7-8	1	1
127	Joash, the princes, and army of Judah	2 Chr 24:20-25	1	10,000
128	God destroyed Amaziah	2 Chr 25:15-27	1	1,000
129	God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria	2 Chr 28:1-5	1	10,000
130	God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him	2 Chr 28:6	120,000	120,000
131	The fall of Jerusalem	2 Chr 36:16-17		10,000
132	The Purim killings: God hath done these things	Esther 2 - 9, 10:4	75,813	75,813
133	God and Satan kill Job's children and slaves	Job 1:18-19	10	60
134	Hananiah	Jer 28:15-16	1	1
135	Ezekiel's wife	Ezek 24:15-18	1	1
136	Oh! Susanna	Dan 13:6-62	2	2
137	Judith is blessed above all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)	Judith 13:6-10	1	1
138	The Judith massacre: hang ye up this head upon our walls	Judith 15:1-6		1,000
139	Mathathias's double murder	1 Mac 2:24-25	2	2
140	Mathathias and his friends slay the wicked sinners	1 Mac 2:44		100
141	God killed Andronicus, the sacrilegious wretch	2 Mac 4:38	1	1
142	A Jewish mob killed Lysimachus, the sacrilegious fellow	2 Mac 4:42	1	1
143	God helped Judas Machabeus destroy the wicked	1 Mac 3:1-26, 2 Mac 8:5-6	800	4,900
144	Judas and his unarmed men kill 3000 of Gorgias's soldiers	1 Mac 3:44-4:24	3,000	3,000
145	The Hanukkah killings	1 Mac 4:34-5:7	5,000	17,000
146	The Machabees brothers slaughter the heathens	1 Mac 5:21-51	11,000	37,000
147	Nicanor's army: The Almighty being their helper, they slew above nine thousand men	1 Mac 7:32-47, 2 Mac 8:24, 15:27	147,002	147,002
148	Jonathan and Simon destroy the wicked out of Israel	1 Mac  9:46-49, 2 Mac  8:30-33, 10:61	1,000	1,200
149	Five heavenly horsemen cast darts and fireballs at the enemy	2 Mac 8:32-10:38	21,103	21,400
150	God killed Antiochus with an incurable bowel disease	2 Mac 9:5-28	1	1
151	Idumeans, traitors, and Jews in two towers	2 Mac 10:16-17	40,000	40,100
152	Nicanor's head: A manifest sign of the help of God	1 Mac 7:33-48, 2 Mac  15:1-35	35,000	35,000
153	Aliens at Cades	1 Mac 11:74	3,000	3,000
154	John burns to death 2000 in the tower of Azotus	1 Mac 16:10	2,000	2,000
155	God sent wasps to slowly destroy people	Wisdom 12:8-9		1,000
156	Ananias and Sapphira	Acts 5:5-10	2	2
157	Herod Aggripa	Acts 12:23	1	1
158	Jesus	Rom 8:32, 1 Pet 1:1820	1	1
	Totals		2,821,364	24,994,828