18 February 2010

God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills

Don't call God a God of the hills. He really doesn't like it.

The Syrians called him that.
The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills; therefore they were stronger than we; but let us fight against them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger than they. 1 Kings 20.23
Then an anonymous "man of God" told the king of Israel (Ahab) that God would slaughter the Syrians for calling him a hill god and, by so doing, show Ahab that he is the Lord.
There came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD. 20.28
So God delivered the Syrians into Ahab's hand and the Israelites killed 100,000 in one day.
And the children of Israel slew of the Syrians an hundred thousand footmen in one day. 20.29
(That's about twice as many as were killed in the three-day Battle of Gettysburg. But then, God wasn't involved in that one. He couldn't make up his mind which side he was on.)

God's next killing: God killed 27,000 Syrians with a falling wall


twillight said...

That wall-thing is one of my favourites :)

Would Adonai send a wall in e-mail nowdays? Then we could call him Wall-E. (I try to refer to that stupid cartoon if it's not obvious.)

skanksta said...

Just when you think he's come off his period, he gets stuck in to another 127,000 murders !

busterggi said...

Now is this the same Yahweh that is worshipped today in many churches named El Shaddai (god of the hills of Shaddai)?

If so, when did he change his mind?

Daniel Clements said...

"It was a really big wall."

Egads, that is laugh out loud funny. I'm going to tell this one to my kids (17 and 14) and I am sure I will get their usual bible-story reaction: they'll be giggling and laughing and challenging me to prove it, because they'll think I am just making it up.

God. Yer ridiculous.

Autumn said...

Noticed some mistypes.
The first quote has a capital "I" in kings.
Two lines below that, God is going to show Ahab that He is the Lord?
(*that and *He?)
Then the link in the next quote, 1 Kings 20:28

Steve Wells said...

Thanks for the corrections, Abeille.

Matthew Blanchette said...

This is nearly the exact same story as the previous Killing... save for the fact that in this one, God doesn't like one of the many names that people in that time called him.

Ah, creativity.

skanksta said...

Atheist proof number 57.

Last night I concentrated hard as follows....

I concentrated all my mind on seeking out God. I said, "God, you have no power over me at all on the plains - why, you're just a god of the hills! - what do you think about that?" Finally, (and I wish I had one of those cool linky things - Steve?), I cursed the holy ghost.

Then, I slept in my dreadful corporate quarters - next to the edge of an abandoned factory, which is slowly being demolished - RIGHT NEXT TO A HUGE WALL THAT COULD EASILY FALL DOWN.
I'm still here - woo !

Matt S said...

That's a zinger re: Gettysburg