Famine and Human Sacrifice

The Bible doesn't say much about this killing. It all happens in a single verse.

Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. 2 Samuel 21:1

We only know that God sent a three-year famine on Israel because Saul killed some Gibeonites. (The Bible doesn't say when or where Saul supposedly did this.)

So David asked the Gibeonites what he could do to make God stop starving the Israelites.

The Gibeonites said that David should give them Saul's seven sons so they could hang them up before the Lord.

And they answered the king ... Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:5-6

David agreed, giving them two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons. "And they hanged them in the hill before the Lord."

The king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul ... And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. 2 Samuel 21:8-9

And that satisfied God so that he quit starving the Israelites to death.

And after that God was intreated for the land. 2 Samuel 21:14

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The Bible doesn't say how many Israelites were starved to death by God during the three year famine. I'll guess 3000 -- 1000 each year for the famine, plus another 7 for Saul's 2 sons and 5 grandsons.

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This story (part of it, anyway) is highlighted in The Poverty and Justice Bible. Here are the highlighted words (2 Samuel 21:1-3).

While David was king, there were three years in a row when the nation of Israel could not grow enough food. So David asked the Lord for help, and the Lord answered, "Saul and his family are guilty of murder, because he had the Gibeonites killed.
David called the Gibeonites to him, and he talked with them. He said, "What can I do to make up for what Saul did, so that you'll ask the Lord to be kind to his people again."

And that does sound nice, doesn't it? David is trying to make amends with the Gibeonites for past injustices done by the Israelites. What a model for peace and justice today!
The editors aren't bothered by the idea that God would starve people to death for what their former and now-dead king did long ago.
And they are completely OK with the idea of sacrificing to God the sons and grandsons of the former king to encourage God to "be kind to his people again" (by not starving them to death).
Oh well, I guess they had to find something to highlight in 2 Samuel!

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God's next killing: David's mighty men and their amazing killings

Would the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act criminalize the preaching of Leviticus 20:13?

I think it would. Here's why.

Leviticus 20:13 reads as follows:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

This is, according to the Bible, a direct quote from God. It says simply this: "Male homosexual acts are an abomination. Anyone who performs such acts must be killed."

Or even more simply: "Kill Homosexuals."

If a pastor read Leviticus 20:13 and told his followers that they should do as God says in this verse, he or she would be advocating (and, therefore, aiding and abetting under Section 2, Title 18 of the U.S. code) a violent crime against homosexuals, which would be a criminal act under the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act.

Of course, it's unlikely that any Christian minister would read Leviticus 20:13 in church. Even the most vile and virulent Bible believers are embarrassed by this verse, and no one, not even Steven Anderson, Fred Phelps, or Doug Wilson is crazy enough to tell followers to do what God clearly commands them all to do in Leviticus 20:13.

But a preacher that did that would not just be crazy, but also a criminal under the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act.

God slowly killed David's baby boy to punish David for adultery

You've probably heard the story about David and Bathsheba. You know, the one where David sees Bathsheba taking a bath, and since he likes what he sees, he has sex with her.

In an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. And David sent and enquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her. 2 Samuel 11.2-4

She becomes pregnant with David's child and David sends her husband (Uriah) into the front lines to be killed.

The woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I am with child. 11.5

In the morning … David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah … saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die … And Uriah the Hittite died. 11.14-17

Well, that's not what this story is about. In fact, the killing of Uriah is the only one of David's many killings that God disapproved of. David had Uriah killed and God had nothing to do with it.

The thing that David had done displeased the LORD. 11.27

God was displeased with David for killing Uriah and taking his wife, but he forgave him for it.

The LORD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. 12.13

Still, God had to do something to show his displeasure. Here's what he decided to do: he'd have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches.

Thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will raise up evil against thee out of thine own house, and I will take thy wives before thine eyes, and give them unto thy neighbour, and he shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun. 12.11

It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom.

Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Go in unto thy father's concubines, which he hath left to keep the house … So they spread Absalom a tent upon the top of the house; and Absalom went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel. 2 Samuel 16.21-22

But that didn't quite do it. David had caused God's enemies to blaspheme, so God had to give them something else to blaspheme about. But what?

Kill the baby, that's what.

Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 12.14

And that's what God did, but not all at once. He let the baby suffer for a while.

The LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bare unto David, and it was very sick. 12.15

When God made the baby sick, David pleaded with God to stop tormenting him. But God wouldn't listen.

David therefore besought God for the child; and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth. 12.16

Finally, after the baby suffered for seven days, God killed him.

On the seventh day, that the child died. 12.18

After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son.

David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he ... did eat. 12.20

The story has a happy ending, though. After Bathsheba's baby boy is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." (He's such a nice guy!)

David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her. 12.24a

And Bathsheba conceives and bears another son (Solomon).

And she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon. 12.24b

And God loved Solomon.

And the LORD loved him. 12.24c

(He probably said to himself, as the Brick Testament suggests, “I don’t think I’ll kill this one.”)

 God's next killing: Famine and human sacrifice

God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling

The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.

Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it from one city after another trying to keep God away from their asses.

The Philistines finally got rid of the damned thing by giving God five golden hemorrhoids and sending the ark to Bethshemesh. But then they looked into the ark (all of them?), so God killed 50,070 Bethshemeshites.

And now David decides to bring the ark back to Jerusalem. During the trip David and his gang of 30,000 were madly singing and dancing away, when the oxen stumbled and the ark started to fall. Uzzah reached out and tried to steady the cart and, in so doing, touched the ark of the Lord. So God, of course, had to kill him.
That was the condensed version. Here's the story from the Bible.

David gathered together all the chosen men of Israel, thirty thousand. And David arose, and went with all the people that were with him from Baale of Judah, to bring up from thence the ark of God, whose name is called by the name of the LORD of hosts that dwelleth between the cherubims. And they set the ark of God upon a new cart, and brought it out of the house of Abinadab that was in Gibeah: and Uzzah and Ahio, the sons of Abinadab, drave the new cart. And they brought it out of the house of Abinadab which was at Gibeah, accompanying the ark of God: and Ahio went before the ark. And David and all the house of Israel played before the LORD on all manner of instruments made of fir wood, even on harps, and on psalteries, and on timbrels, and on cornets, and on cymbals. And when they came to Nachon's threshingfloor, Uzzah put forth his hand to the ark of God, and took hold of it; for the oxen shook it. And the anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God smote him there for his error; and there he died by the ark of God. 2 Samuel 6:1-7

I guess this was God's way of saying, "Thanks".

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God's next killing: David killed two-thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest

God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear

Now that Ishbosheth is dead, David is now king of both Israel and Judah, and he's fighting his old friends, the Philistines -- with God's help, of course.

God is David's military adviser. David asked him if he should attack the Philistines, and God said, "Attack: I will help you kill them."

David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand. 2 Samuel 5.19 

So David attacked and killed the Philistines. After the massacre, David said, "The Lord has burst forth before my enemies like a bursting flood" and he named it "Baalperazim" -- or some stupid name like that.

David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me, as the breach of waters. Therefore he called the name of that place Baalperazim. 5.20 

When they finished slaughtering the Philistines at Baalperazim, David asked God if they should do it again. And God said, "Yeah, let's do it again. Only this time attack from behind when you hear troops marching in the tree tops."

When David enquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees. Then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. 5.23-24 

God, I tell you, is a military genius!

So David waited until he heard noises in the mulberry trees and then followed God, smiting the Philistines from behind.

And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines. 5.25 

The Bible doesn't say how many Philistines died in these two killings, so I'll just give it the usual 1000 for each.

God's next killing: Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling