Surah 2: 35-74 -- Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow

Last time we learned that Iblis (pbuh) became the first disbeliever by refusing to worship Adam.

We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. 2:34

From that quote, I got the impression that Iblis was an angel, but I was told in the comments that that is incorrect. Iblis is not an angel; he's a jinn. Which is a different thing entirely. (A jinn is a creature made from fire that has free will. Angels are messengers of Allah that have no free will. Elves are small semi-divine beings with pointy ears.)

Still, I'm not convinced. Sometimes Iblis is called an angel in the Quran, and sometimes a jinn. And sometimes he seems to be both angel and jinn. (Is Iblis an angel or a jinn?)

But on with our story, such as it is.

Verses 35-38 repeat the Bible's story about Adam and the Garden of Eden (though the Quran doesn't call it that), with the talking serpent replaced by Satan.

Then Allah throws out his favorite line, where he tells us what he has planned for disbelievers. It's almost as common in the Quran as "And it came to pass" is in the Book of Mormon.

But they who disbelieve, and deny Our revelations, such are rightful Peoples of the Fire. They will abide therein. 2:39

A few verses later Allah says something good (the first good thing in the Quran). Don't hide the truth with falsehood.

Confound not truth with falsehood, nor knowingly conceal the truth.2:42

Then Allah gets back to hiding truth with falsehood.

But first he warns you about a time when he will refuse all prayers and help no one.

Guard yourselves against a day when no soul will in aught avail another, nor will intercession be accepted from it, nor will compensation be received from it, nor will they be helped. 2:48

Then, in verses 59-63, Allah repeats more nonsense from the Bible. Remember how he drowned the Egyptians, gave Moses the Law, and whatnot? How you worshiped the calf?

And how Allah told you to kill yourself?

And when Moses said unto his people: O my people! Ye have wronged yourselves by your choosing of the calf (for worship) so turn in penitence to your Creator, and kill (the guilty) yourselves. 2:54a

(See Who is on the Lord's side? for the Bible story that this is based upon.)

Yeah well, Allah did that because killing yourself would be "best for you." Allah is Relenting, Merciful, Retarded.

That will be best for you with your Creator and He will relent toward you. Lo! He is the Relenting, the Merciful. 2:54b

As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel.

When Moses asked for water for his people, We said: Smite with thy staff the rock. And there gushed out therefrom twelve springs (so that) each tribe knew their drinking-place. 2:60

2:62 is often quoted to show that the Quran is tolerant of other religions.

Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve. 2:62

But this verse is far from clear (Must you believe in Allah, whatever was revealed to Muhammad, and the Last Day to avoid hell?) and it contradicts other verses.

And now we finally get to the fun stuff.

First Allah brags about turning Jewish Sabbath-breakers into "despised and hated" apes.

Ye know of those of you who broke the Sabbath, how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated! 2:65

Then he tells the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow.

Allah commandeth you that ye sacrifice a cow, they said: Dost thou make game of us? He answered: Allah forbid that I should be among the foolish! ... They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. ... Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us of what colour she is. (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith: Verily she is a yellow cow. Bright is her colour, gladdening beholders. 2:67-69

But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews.

They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. Lo! cows are much alike to us; and Lo! if Allah wills, we may be led aright. 2:70

Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow.

And now you've got to help me understand the rest of the story, which happens in just two verses.

When ye slew a man and disagreed concerning it and Allah brought forth that which ye were hiding. And We said: Smite him with some of it. Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life. 2:72-73

OK, I don't get much out of that. But this is what supposedly happened:
(Maybe a Muslim can explain it better for us in the comments.)

A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)

You can read all about it here.

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Bogging the Quran

Surah 2:75-105 -- Little is that which they believe

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Mr. Deity's Back

(And I'll be back soon with another Quran post. Until then, here's something fun to watch: The Prequel for the new season.)

1 Nephi 5: After this manner of language did they speak

In this chapter, Nephi and his brothers, along with Laban's servant Zoram, return to the wilderness from Jerusalem.

And it came to pass that after we had come down into the wilderness unto our father. 1 Nephi 5:1a

I guess the 400+ kilometer trip was getting routine by now, because Nephi says nothing at all about it. His parents, though, were filled with joy, exceedingly glad even, to see them.

Behold, he was filled with joy, and also my mother, Sariah, was exceedingly glad, for she truly had mourned because of us. 1 Nephi 5:1b

In fact, after the boys got back, the parents just couldn't stop talking about it. After this manner of language did they speak:

And after this manner of language had my mother complained against my father. 1 Nephi 5:3

And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother. 1 Nephi 5:6

And after this manner of language did she speak. 1 Nephi 5:8

After they were done speaking in that manner of language, Lehi took a look at the brass plates. They had all kinds of cool stuff written on them: the five books of Moses, the history of the Jews, and the prophecies of Jeremiah.

Lehi ... beheld that they did contain the five books of Moses ... And also a record of the Jews from the beginning, even down to the commencement of the reign of Zedekiah ... And also the prophecies which have been spoken by the mouth of Jeremiah. 1 Nephi 5:10-13

And, most important of all, the plates had Lehi's genealogy, which showed that Lehi was a descendant of Joseph. (Joseph is a really important name in the Book of Mormon. I'm not sure why.)

And it came to pass that my father, Lehi, also found upon the plates of brass a genealogy of his fathers. wherefore he knew that he was a descendant of Joseph; yea, even that Joseph who was the son of Jacob. 1 Nephi 5:14

When Lehi found out that he was a descendant of Joseph, he was filled up with the Spirit and started to prophesy about his seed, saying the plates would never perish or dim with time. (No one has seen them since.)

When my father saw all these things, he was filled with the Spirit, and began to prophesy concerning his seed -- That these plates of brass should go forth unto all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people who were of his seed. Wherefore, he said that these plates of brass should never perish; neither should they be dimmed any more by time. 1 Nephi 5:17-19a

And then he prophesied some more stuff about his seed.

And he prophesied many things concerning his seed. 1 Nephi 5:19b

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Blogging the Book of Mormon

Next episode -- 1 Nephi 6: It mattereth not to me that I am particular

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Surah 2: 25-34 -- Believers get pure companions in heaven, Adam learns the animals' names, and Iblis becomes a disbeliever

Yep, all that in just ten verses.

Here's a summary.

If you believe and do good works, you will have pure companions in heaven.

And give glad tidings (O Muhammad) unto those who believe and do good works ... for them are pure companions. 2:25

Allah created seven heavens. (I think there was a TV show about that.)

He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens. And He is knower of all things. 2:29

Allah will shed human blood while angels praise him in heaven. (The angels question why Allah has to kill people; Allah says they'd understand if they knew everything like he does.)

And when thy Lord said unto the angels: Lo! I am about to place a viceroy in the earth, they said: Wilt thou place therein one who will do harm therein and will shed blood, while we, we hymn Thy praise and sanctify Thee ? He said: Surely I know that which ye know not. 2:30

Allah taught Adam all the names (of the animals, I guess).

And He taught Adam all the names. 2:31a

Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful).

Then [he] showed them to the angels, saying: Inform Me of the names of these, if ye are truthful. 2:31b

But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly.

They said: Be glorified! We have no knowledge saving that which Thou hast taught us. Lo! 2:32

Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!"

He said: O Adam! Inform them of their names, and when he had informed them of their names, He said: Did I not tell you that I know the secret of the heavens and the earth? And I know that which ye disclose and which ye hide. 2:33

Finally, just to rub it in, Allah tells the angels to worship Adam. And they all did except for Iblis, who became the first disbeliever.

And when We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. He demurred through pride, and so became a disbeliever. 2:34

And the only reasonable person (so far, anyway) in the Quran.

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Bogging the Quran

Surah 2: 35-74 -- Allah turns Jews into apes and solves a murder mystery with a dead yellow cow

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Can I be banned in Pakistan too?

Seven sites have been banned in Pakistan for offending the Quran.

Well, I try hard to offend the Quran. I just don't know how to offend a fucking book.

So I offend Islam instead.

Maybe I'm already banned, though. Someone emailed me (back when Pakistan banned Facebook for the "Draw Muhammad Day" thing) and told me that the SAQ was blocked in Pakistan. Maybe it still is. Could someone from Pakistan check and let me know?

That would be so cool. Then I'd know for sure that I had succeeded in offending that (god-awful) book.