31 January 2009

David Attenborough on Genesis

The influence of the book of Genesis, which says that the Lord God said to go forth and multiply to Adam and Eve, and that the natural world is there for you to dominate, you have dominion over the animals and plants of the world. And that basic notion, that the world is there for us and that if it doesn't serve our proposes, it is dispensable, that has produced the devastation of vast areas of the world's surface... That is why we are in the situation that we're in. (3:28 - 4:27)

Of course this verse (Genesis 1:28) is marked green in the world's most dishonest book: The Green Bible.

26 January 2009

Sodom and Gomorrah: Shall I hide from Abraham the thing that I do?

You may have noticed that God, after his first mass murder, showed a bit of remorse for needlessly drowning pretty much everything on earth. He even promised to never "smite any more every thing living." (Genesis 8.21)

And he kept his promise, too [if you ignore the anti-Sodomite slaughter], for another ten chapters or so. But in the end, God couldn't resist the temptation to kill again.

Abraham tried to talk him out of it, though. He and God and a couple of God's friends had been hanging out all day together. But after getting their feet washed and eating a big meal, God and his friends decided it was time to go.
The LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day; And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground, And said … wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree … And Abraham ran unto the herd, and fetcht a calf  … And he took butter, and milk, and the calf which he had dressed, and set it before them … and they did eat. Genesis 18.1-8
They were heading off toward Sodom and Abraham decided he'd better tag along.
The men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way. 18.16
As they were walking along, God said (to himself?), "Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do?"
The LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do? 18.17
How's that for weird? God asks himself if he should tell Abraham what he is about to do (which is, of course, kill everyone in two cities). He doesn't know what to do. Is he afraid that Abe will talk him out of it? Or try to stop him? Or what? Or is he just embarrassed to be having bad thoughts again?

But God finally snaps out of it and tells Abraham what he's up to. He has heard that the people in Sodom have sinned and he's decided to go to Sodom and see for himself.
The LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous; I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know. 18.20-21
Abraham was on to him right away. He said, "Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?"
Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked? 18.23
God, who is one of his moods, ignores him. So Abe starts to bargain. What if there are 50 good people in Sodom? Would you kill them, too? "Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?"
Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein? … Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? 18.24-25
God says if he can find 50 good citizens of Sodom, he won't kill everybody.
The LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes. 18.26
So Abe tries 45, and God says he wouldn't kill everyone if there were 45.
Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it. 18.28
Abe keeps going this way (knowing that God is a tad slow). How about 40? 30? 20? 10? And each time God answers the same way: If God can find a few good men (well ten, anyway), he won't kill the whole city.
He said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake. 18.32
And then God just takes off and Abraham goes home. "And the LORD went his way ... and Abraham returned unto his place."
And the LORD went his way, as soon as he had left communing with Abraham: and Abraham returned unto his place. 18.33
But God's two friends (they're called angels now) keep going to Sodom. Lot invites them in and gives them the usual God treatment (washes their feet and feeds them).
There came two angels to Sodom at even … and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground; And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night. And he pressed upon them greatly; and they turned in unto him, and entered into his house; and he made them a feast, and did bake unleavened bread, and they did eat. 19.1-3
Then a strange thing happened. (Strange things often happen in the Bible.) Every man in the city of Sodom came to Lot's house and demanded to have sex with Lot's two angel friends.
The men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them. 19.4-5
Man, those must have been some good looking angels!

Lot's response was to protect the angels (who you'd think could take care of themselves) by offering the sex-crazed mob his two virgin daughters instead.
Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. 19.8
[This is a man, by the way, whom the Bible calls "just and righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. A few verses later he will get drunk and impregnate both his virgin daughters (see Genesis 19:30-38), but that's another lovely Bible story.]

As it turns out, though, there is no time for Lot to make good on his kind offer because God is getting ready to commit another mass murder. The angels strike the people of Sodom blind, tell Lot, his virgin daughters (and their husbands!), and his wife to flee.
But the men … smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness … And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place … the LORD hath sent us to destroy it. 19.10-13
And then all hell breaks loose.
The LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. 19.24
Okay, so that's it. That is God's second mass murder.

But how many people did God smash and burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? Well, I, of course, have no idea. I don't think any of this actually happened. But I'll guess 2000, 1000 from each city.

God's next killing: Lot's wife

25 January 2009

All the Fat is the Lord's: What the Bible says about Fat People

First of all, it is important to understand that God really likes fat. So I suppose he likes fat people, too. (He's probably overweight himself.)
All the fat is the Lord's.-- Leviticus 3:16
Even God's sword is fat (and bloody).
The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness. -- Isaiah 34:6
God likes fat animals, too. He plans to feed people to to them to make them even fatter.
Thus saith the Lord GOD; Speak unto every feathered fowl, and to every beast of the field ... Ye shall eat the flesh of the mighty, and drink the blood of the princes of the earth ... And ye shall eat fat till ye be full, and drink blood till ye be drunken, of my sacrifice which I have sacrificed for you. -- Ezekiel 39:17-19
God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.)
The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 13:4
God makes liberals fat, too. (I guess religious liberals should be the fattest of all.)
The liberal soul shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 11:25
If you trust God, he will make you fat. (So if you want to lose weight, don't trust him.)
He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. -- Proverbs 28:25
Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.)
The righteous shall flourish like the palm tree ... they shall be fat. -- Psalm 92:12-14
How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are fat and get plenty to eat; the wicked are the ones who go hungry.
The righteous eateth to the satisfying of his soul: but the belly of the wicked shall want.-- Proverbs 13:25
So don't bother with the diet. Trust in God and be good, righteous, diligent, an liberal. And fat.

God - He's just a fat fairy

24 January 2009

The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth

God's first killing is hard to beat. He killed everything. Here's how he described it:
The LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them. Genesis 6.7
 Behold, I, even I, do bring a flood of waters upon the earth, to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and every thing that is in the earth shall die. 6.17 
Every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth. 7.4 
All flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man: All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died. And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark. 7.21-23
So the killing contest is over. God, in his very first killing, wins the prize. The guy who killed everything "on the face of the earth" is the world's top killer. He beats Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Ghengis Khan. All those guys. Maybe not in terms of the number killed, but certainly in percentage. You just can't beat 100%.

Of course, God had his reasons. God always has his reasons.
God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5-6
 The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. ... The earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. 6.11-13
Humans were wicked, they had bad thoughts, and the whole earth was violent and corrupt. So what's a good God to do?

Well, you might think he'd start a school to teach people how to behave, have them go to counseling, get them interested in other stuff -- like baseball or something. Anything to get their minds off their bad thoughts.

But no. God decided to drown them all. It was the best he could think of at the time. (He was having bad thoughts.)

The whole earth was filled with violence, so God killed everything on earth. (At least he found a nonviolent solution to the problem.)

Still, I don't quite get it. Did God drown the animals because they were too violent? Didn't he make them that way in the first place -- either at creation or after the fall of Adam?

But here is the excuse that I like the best:
God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the LORD that he had made man. 6.5-6.6
And here's what God says after he finishes the job and smells the burning flesh of Noah's sacrifice.
The LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done. 8.21
God regrets making humans because they have bad thoughts. So he kills them all. Then he regrets killing them all because they (still) have bad thoughts. (At least he fixed the problem!)

The mind of God is a frightening thing.

Okay so God drowned every person on earth except for Noah and his family. How many would that be?

Well, the flood was supposed to have happened about 2400 BCE, and the human population was somewhere around 20 million at the time. (McEvedy and Jones 1978)

Not a bad start for a serial killer. 
Estimated number killed: 20 million
Everyone on earth (except for Noah and his family)


God's next killing: Abraham's war to rescue Lot
List of God's killings


22 January 2009

Swear not at all: Obama, the Bible, and the second oath of office

Since some of the words were flubbed a bit the first time around, Obama took the oath of office a second time. This time without a bible.

Which is as it should be, for two reasons:

  1. The Bible is not required by the constitution. In fact, it would be unconstitutional for Chief Justice Roberts to insist, or even suggest, that Obama use a Bible in the ceremony. That would imply a religious test for office, which is disallowed by Article VI, section 3.

  2. A Christian who believes in the Bible shouldn't swear on one.

The Bible, of course, is worse than useless when it comes to consistent advice on morality. But the New Testament (to avoid confusion, ignore the Old Testament on this one) is pretty clear about one thing: Christians shouldn't swear. Not to God and not on the Bible or on anything else.

Here's what Jesus (supposedly) said about it:

But I say unto you, swear not at all; neither by heaven for it is God's throne; Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King. Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Matthew 5:34-37

And the Book of James condemns swearing "above all things." I guess that would make it the worst possible sin.

But above all things, my brethren, swear not, neither by heaven, neither by the earth, neither by any other oath: but let your yea be yea; and your nay, nay; lest ye fall into condemnation. James 5:12

It always seemed strange to me to swear on a book that is filled with lies.

I'm glad Obama got it right the second time around (except for the "So help me God" bullshit).

21 January 2009

The time has come to set aside childish things (and become a nation of nonbelievers)

...in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things.
...
We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers.
-- from Barack Obama's inaugural speech

Obama's speech yesterday was the first inaugural address to acknowledge the existence of nonbelievers.

Of course, it wasn't all sunshine and light.

There was Rick Warren's "Oh God, you are so big" - "It all belongs to you" - "History is your story" - bullshit prayer to Jebus. There was the "So help me God" phrase in the of the oath of office, contrary to the constitution. And there was the usual "God bless America" crap at the end.

Still, it was a great speech. I even liked Obama's use of scripture: 1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

The time has indeed come to set aside childish things (like believing stupid things that are contrary to all existing evidence) and become a nation of nonbelievers.

10 January 2009

How many animals has God killed?

And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 1 Samuel 11:6-7

Too many to count, that's for sure.

How many animals did God drown in the flood? How many were sacrificed to him just so he could smell the sweet savor of their burning flesh?

Not even God knows that. He lost count long ago.

So I'll just list the times that God killed or commanded others to kill animals. (I wonder how many of these passages are marked green in the world's most dishonest book: The Green Bible*.)

  1. Abel's offering: The first God-approved animal sacrifice
    And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering. (Genesis 4:4)

  2. The flood of Noah: God kills every animal except those in the ark (because "The earth was filled with violence.")
    And all flesh died that moved upon the earth ... All in whose nostrils was the breath of life ... they were destroyed from the earth. (Genesis 7:21-23)

  3. After God drowns all the animals except for those in the ark, Noah killed and sacrificed to God one of every surviving "clean" animal species. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." (This shows God's concern for endangered species.)
    And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

  4. God has Abram kill some animals for him: A cow, goat, ram, dove, and pigeon.
    Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. And he took unto him all these, and divided them in the midst. (Genesis 15:9)

  5. God told Abraham to kill his son, but at the last moment, he changed his mind and told Abe to kill a ram for him instead.
    Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son. (Genesis 22:10-13)

  6. To impress the Pharaoh, God turns the Nile into blood, killing all the fish. (It didn't work. The magicians of Egypt knew this trick, too.)
    And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

  7. God kills all the cattle, horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep in Egypt.
    the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

  8. God kills the (already dead) beasts of Egypt by smashing them with hail.
    And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

  9. God kills all the firstborn (twice-dead) Egyptian cattle. (I don't know how God figured out which were firstborn, but, hey, that's why he's God, right?)
    at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle. (Exodus 12:29)

  10. God drowns more than 600 horses.
    And he took six hundred chosen chariots, and all the chariots of Egypt ... For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them. (Exodus 14:7; 15:1, 19)

  11. "And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people."
    [Moses] offered burnt offerings, and sacrificed peace offerings of oxen unto the LORD. And Moses took half of the blood, and put it in basons; and half of the blood he sprinkled on the altar ... And Moses took the blood, and sprinkled it on the people. (Exodus 24:5)

  12. Moses kills a bullock for God
    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the bullock for the sin offering. And he slew it; and Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger. (Leviticus 8:14-15)

  13. Aaron kills a ram "and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about."
    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he killed it; and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moses burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat. (Leviticus 8:18-21)

  14. Aaron kills another ram and "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot."
    Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he slew it,; and Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot. And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about. (Leviticus 8:22-24)

  15. Aaron kills a calf for a sin offering "and he dipped his finger in the blood."
    Aaron ... slew the calf of the sin offering ... And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar: (Leviticus 9:8-9)

  16. Aaron kills the burnt offering "and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar."
    And he slew the burnt offering; and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar. (Leviticus 9:12-14)

  17. Aaron kills a bullock for a wave offering. "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD."
    He slew also the bullock and the ram for a sacrifice of peace offerings, which was for the people: and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled upon the altar round about ... And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded. (Leviticus 9:18-21)

  18. Killing more animals to satisfy a blood-thirsty god.
    He shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest ... and the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. (Numbers 6:10-20)

  19. When Moses set up the tabernacle, each of the twelve tribes kills a bullock, lamb, ram, and a kid, two oxen, and five rams, goats, and lambs for God, for a grand total of 240 animal sacrifices. (Numbers 7:15-88)

  20. The Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." (Numbers 8:8-12)

  21. God commands Joshua to kill every animal in Jericho (because they are "accursed" to the Lord.)
    And the city shall be accursed, even it, and all that are therein, to the LORD. ... And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword. (Joshua 6:17-21)

  22. God tells the Israelites to stone and burn to death Achan's animals (along with Achan and his family, of course).
    And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep ... And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones. (Joshua 7:24-25)

  23. More burned offerings to the Lord.
    As Moses the servant of the LORD commanded ... they offered thereon burnt offerings unto the LORD, and sacrificed peace offerings. (Joshua 8:31)

  24. The spitit of the Lord came on Samson (and he killed a lion).
    Then went Samson down ... and, behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. (Judges14:5-8)

  25. The Spirit of God comes on Saul (and he hacks a yoke of oxen to death and sends the pieces throughout Israel).
    And the Spirit of God came upon Saul ... And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers.(1 Samuel 11:6-7)

  26. God was angry at Saul for not killing all the Amalekite animals. Saul killed all the people (except Agag), but he kept some of their animals. Because he didn't kill everything, God repented of choosing him for king. (So he made David king instead. David liked to kill things.)
    Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. ... And Saul smote the Amalekites ... Andand utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword ... But Saul and the people spared Agag, and the best of the sheep, and of the oxen, and of the fatlings, and the lambs ... but every thing that was vile and refuse, that they destroyed utterly. ... Then came the word of the LORD unto Samuel, saying, It repenteth me that I have set up Saul to be king: for he is turned back from following me, and hath not performed my commandments. (1 Samuel 15:2-19)

  27. When dedicating the temple, Solomon killed so many animals that it was impossible to number them. (Not even God knows how many animals were killed.)
    King Solomon, and all the congregation of Israel, that were assembled unto him, were with him before the ark, sacrificing sheep and oxen, that could not be told nor numbered for multitude.(1 Kings 8:5)

  28. Just kidding -- God knows. It was 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep.
    And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. (1 Kings 8:63, 2 Chronicles 7:5)

  29. To make God happy, the Israelites killed 700 oxen and 7,000 sheep (and all the non-believers).
    And they offered unto the LORD the same time, of the spoil which they had brought, seven hundred oxen and seven thousand sheep. ... That whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman.(2 Chronicles 15:11-13)

  30. Seven bullocks, seven rams, seven lambs, and seven he-goats were killed, and their blood sprinkled around. Then the carcasses were burned and they sang "the song of the Lord."
    And they brought seven bullocks, and seven rams, and seven lambs, and seven he goats, for a sin offering ... So they killed the bullocks, and the priests received the blood, and sprinkled it on the altar: likewise, when they had killed the rams, they sprinkled the blood upon the altar: they killed also the lambs, and they sprinkled the blood upon the altar. And they brought forth the he goats for the sin offering ... And the priests killed them, and they made reconciliation with their blood upon the altar, to make an atonement for all Israel: for the king commanded that the burnt offering and the sin offering should be made for all Israel. ... And when the burnt offering began, the song of the LORD began.(2 Chronicles 29:21-27)

  31. God and Satan not only killed Job's 10 children, they also killed his servants (I need to revise their kill numbers!) and burned to death his sheep.
    While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them (Job 1:16)

  32. Jesus drowns a herd of devil-possessed pigs.
    And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

  33. Jesus drowns 2000 pigs, after driving them out of a possessed man. (Notice that the other story says there were 2 men. So I guess Jesus must have done this nasty trick twice -- or maybe the stories were just made up.)
    And when he was come out of the ship, immediately there met him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit ... And cried with a loud voice, and said, What have I to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of the most high God? ... And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine ... And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, (they were about two thousand;) and were choked in the sea. (Mark 5:2-13)

* I went back to the library to check on this. It turns out that 5 of the passages on the list are marked green in the Green Bible. Here they are, along with their comment for each.

  1. Green Bible: "The stability of creation"

    (God drowned his creation and Noah sacrificed some of the few animals that survived; this shows how much God values the stability of his creation?)

    And Noah builded an altar unto the LORD; and took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl, and offered burnt offerings on the altar. And the LORD smelled a sweet savour. (Genesis 8:20-21)

  2. Green Bible: "Polluted river was a plague of Egypt."

    (Yes, but who sent the plague? This should be marked red, not green.)

    And the fish that is in the river shall die, and the river shall stink; and the Egyptians shall lothe to drink of the water of the river ... And the fish that was in the river died. (Exodus 7:18-21)

  3. Green Bible: "The fifth plague: livestock diseased"

    (God killed all the horses, asses, camels, oxen, and sheep. What excuse could there be for marking this green?)

    the hand of the LORD is upon thy cattle which is in the field, upon the horses, upon the asses, upon the camels, upon the oxen, and upon the sheep: there shall be a very grievous murrain ... And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died. (Exodus 9:3-6)

  4. Green Bible: "The seventh plague: thunder and lightening"

    (God smashes animals and people with hail. This shows his concern for the environment?)

    And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast. (Exodus 9:25)

  5. Green Bible: "Jesus sends demons into a herd of swine."

    (Yes he did. Kind of nasty, don't you think? I guess it was marked green because it had pigs and water in it.)

    And when he was come to the other side into the country of the Gergesenes, there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs ... And, behold, they cried out, saying, What have we to do with thee, Jesus, thou Son of God? ... And there was a good way off from them an herd of many swine feeding. So the devils besought him, saying, If thou cast us out, suffer us to go away into the herd of swine. And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. (Matthew 8:28-32)

04 January 2009

How many has God killed?

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

See the complete list here.

03 January 2009

Who has killed more, Satan or God?

And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Job 1:1-19

Since I revised the number on God's kill list, I also have to change the God vs. Satan killing contest results. So here it is.

In a previous post, I counted the number of people that were killed by God in the Bible. I came up with 2,476,633, which, of course, greatly underestimates God's total death toll, since it only includes those killings for which specific numbers are given. No attempt was made to include the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, or the many plagues, famines, fiery serpents, etc., with which the good book is filled. Still, 2 million is a respectable number even for world class killers.

But how does this compare with Satan? How many did he kill in the Bible?

Well I can only find ten, and even these he shares with God, since God allowed him to do it as a part of a bet. I'm talking about the seven sons and three daughters of Job.

There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job ... And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
...
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the LORD ... put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD.
...
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house...And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. -- Job 1:1-19

So it seems that both Satan and God share the blame (or the credit) for these killings. If so, then the tally would be:




killings
God 2,476,633
Satan 10

No contest.

Update
I've tried to assign numbers to the un-numbered killings in the Bible. You can see the detailed list here.

The results were even more lopsided: 25 million (plus or minus a few million) for God; 60 for Satan.

Here is a more complete table.

numbered killings estimated total killings
God 2,476,633 25 million
Satan 10 60

How many has God killed?

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

How many people did God kill in the Bible?

It's impossible to say for sure, but plenty. How many did God drown in the flood or burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? How many first-born Egyptians did he kill? There's just no way to count them all. (But see here for a rough estimate.)

But sometimes the Bible tells us exactly how many were killed by God. Here's a list of those that I can find. (If you find any that I've missed, let me know and I'll add them to the list.)

So far I come up with a total of 2,316,428 (not including, at least in some cases, women and children).

VerseNumber killedCumulative total
1 God drowns everyone of earth (except Noah and his family) Genesis 7:23 ? ?
2 God rains fire and brimstone on Sodom and Gomorrah, killing everyone. Genesis 19:24 ? ?
3 Lot's wife for looking back Genesis 19:26 1 1
4 Er who was "wicked in the sight of the Lord" Genesis 38:7, 1 Chronicles 2:3 1 2
5 Onan for spilling his seed Genesis 38:10 1 3
6 A 7 year, world-wide famine Genesis 41:25-54 ? 3
7 7th Egyptian Plague: Hail Exodus 9:25 ? 3
8 God kills every Egyptian firstborn child. Exodus 12:29-30 ? 3
9 God drowns Egyptian army Exodus 14:8-26 600 603
10 God and Moses help Joshua kill the Amalekites Exodus 17:13 ? 603
11 Israelites for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf Exodus 32:27-28, 35 3000 3,603
12 God plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made Exodus 32:35 ? 3,603
13 Aaron's sons for offering strange fire before the Lord Leviticus 10:1-3; Numbers 3:4, 26:61 2 3,605
14 A blasphemer Leviticus 24:10-23 1 3,606
15 God burned people to death for complaining Numbers 11:1 ? 3,606
16 God sent "a very great plague" for complaining about the food. Numbers 11:33 ? 3,606
17 God killed ten scouts with a plague. Numbers 14:35-36 10 3,616
18 A man who gathered firewood on the sabbath Numbers 15:32-36 1 3,617
19 Korah, Dathan, and Abiram (and their families) Numbers 16:27 3 3,620
20 Burned to death for offering incense Numbers 16:35 250 3,870
21 For complaining Numbers 16:49 14,700 18,570
22 Massacre of the Aradites Numbers 21:1-3 ? 18,570
23 For complaining about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people. Numbers 21:6 ? 18,570
24 God delivers the Bashanites into Moses' hands and Moses kills everyone "until there was none left alive." Numbers 21:34-35 ? 18,570
25 Phinehas impales a mixed-race couple having sex Numbers 25:6-8 2 18,572
26 Israelites for "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab" Numbers 25:9 24,000 42,572
27 Midianite massacre (32,000 virgins were kept alive) Numbers 31:1-35 ? 42,572
28 God kills the entire Israelite army Deuteronomy 2:14-16 ? 42,572
29 The slaughter of the Zamzummim, Horim, Avim, and the Caphtorim Deuteronomy 2:21-22 ? 42,572
30 God hardened the king of Heshbon's heart so that the Israelites could massacre his people. (included several cities) Deuteronomy 2:33-34 ? 42,572
31 All the men, women, and children in 60 cities Deuteronomy 3:3-6 ? 42,572
32 Massacre of Jericho Joshua 6:21 ? 42,572
33 Achan (and his his sons and daughters) for taking the accursed thing Joshua 7:10-12, 24-26 1 42,573
34 The Ai Massacre Joshua 8:1-25 12,000 54,573
35 God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as they try to escape. Joshua 10:10-11 ? 54,573
36 Joshua kills 5 kings and hangs their dead bodies on trees Joshua 10:24-26 5 54,578
37 Massacre of 7 kingdoms Joshua 10:28-42 ? 54,578
38 The remaining kingdoms Joshua 11:8-12 10,000 64,578
39 Massacre of the Anakim Joshua 11:20-21 ? 64,578
40 God delivers the Canaanites and Perizzites Judges 1:4 ? 64,578
41 The Jerusalem Massacre Judges 1:8 ? 64,578
42 Ten Massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots Judges 1:9-25 ? 64,578
43 The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim Judges 3:7-10 ? 64,578
44 Ehud delivers a message from God: a knife in the belly Judges 3:15-22 1 64,579
45 God delivers 10,000 Moabites Judges 3:28-29 10,000 74,579
46 Barak and God Massacre the Canaanites Judges 4:14 ? 74,579
47 Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's head Judges 4:18-25 1 74,580
48 God forces Midianite soldiers to kill each other Judges 7:22, 8:10 120,000 194,580
49 A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit Judges 9:23-57 ? 194,580
50 The Ammonite massacre Judges 11:29-33 ? 194,580
51 Jephthah's daughter Judges 11:34-39 1 194,581
52 The spirit of the Lord comes on Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes Judges 14:19 30 194,611
53 The Spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass Judges 15:14-15 1,000 195,611
54 Samson's God-assisted act of terrorism Judges 16:27-30 3,000 198,611
55 "The Lord smote Benjamin" Judges 20:35-37 65,100 263,711
56 God kills Eli's sons 1 Samuel 2:25, 34; 4:11 2 263,713
57 God smote three cities with hemorrhoids in their secret parts 1 Samuel 5:1-12 ? 263,713
58 For looking into the ark of the Lord 1 Samuel 6:19 50,070 313,783
59 The LORD thundered with a great thunder upon the Philistines 1 Samuel 7: ? 313,783
60 The Ammonite Massacre (and another God-inspired body part message) 1 Samuel 7:11-13 ? 313,783
61 Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before) 1 Samuel 14:12 20 313,803
62 God forces the Philistine soldiers to kill each other. 1 Samuel 14:20 ? 313,803
63 The Amalekite Genocide 1 Samuel 15:2-3 ? 313,803
64 Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord 1 Samuel 15:32-33 1 313,804
65 God delivers the Philistines. 1 Samuel 23:2-5 ? 313,804
66 "The Lord smote Nabal." 1 Samuel 25:38 1 313,805
67 David spends the day killing Amalekites 1 Samuel 30:17 ? 313,805
68 God has the Philistines kill Israelite soldiers 1 Samuel 31:6, 1 Chronicles 10:6 ? 313,805
69 Saul and his three sons 1 Samuel 31:6, 1 Chronicles 10:6 4 313,809
70 God delivers the Philistines to David (from the front) 2 Samuel 5:19, 25 ? 313,809
71 God delivers the Philistines to David (from behind) 2 Samuel 5:19, 25 ? 313,809
72 Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling 2 Samuel 6:6-7, 1 Chronicles 13:9-10 1 313,810
73 David and Bathsheba's baby boy 2 Samuel 12:14-18 1 313,811
74 God sent a three-year famine because of something Saul did. 2 Samuel 21:1 ? 313,811
75 Saul's two sons and five grandsons hung up before the Lord 2 Samuel 21:6-9 7 313,818
76 God kills 70,000 men because David did a census that God told him to do 2 Samuel 24:15, 1 Chronicles 21:14 70,000 383,818
77 A lion is sent by God to kill a prophet for believing another prophet's lie 1 Kings 13:1-24 1 383,818
78 Jeroboam's son 1 Kings 14:17 1 383,820
79 Jeroboam's family 1 Kings 15:29 ? 383,820
80 Baasha's family and friends 1 Kings 16:11-12 ? 383,820
81 The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians 1 Kings 20:20-21 383,820
82 God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills 1 Kings 20:28-29 100,000 483,820
83 God makes a wall fall on Syrian soldiers 1 Kings 20:30 27,000 510,820
84 God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet 1 Kings 20:35-36 1 510,821
85 Ahab for not killing a captured king 1 Kings 20:42, 22:35 1 510,822
86 51 men are burned to death by God for asking Elijah to come down from his hill 2 Kings 1:10 51 510,873
87 Another 51 men are burned to death by God for asking Elijah to come down from his hill 2 Kings 1:12 51 510,924
88 Ahaziah is killed for asking the wrong god 2 Kings 1:2-4, 17; 2 Chronicles 22:7-9 1 510,925
89 God sent two bears to kill 42 children for making fun of Elisha's bald head 2 Kings 2:23-24 42 510,967
90 God delivers the Moabites 2 Kings 3:18-25 ? 510,967
91 God calls for a seven year famine. 2 Kings 8:1 ? 510,967
92 Jehoram of Israel 2 Kings 9:24 1 510,968
93 Jezebel 2 Kings 9:33-37 1 510,969
94 Ahab's 70 sons 2 Kings 10:6-10 70 511,039
95 Ahab's hometown family and friends 2 Kings 10:11 ? 511,039
96 Ahab's family in Samaria 2 Kings 10:17 ? 511,039
97 God sent lions to kill "some" foreigners for not fearing him enough 2 Kings 17:25-26 ? 511,039
98 Sleeping Assyrian soldiers 2 Kings 19:35; Isaiah 37:36 185,000 696,039
99 God caused Sennacherib to be killed by his sons 2 Kings 19:37 1 696,040
100 Just another holy war 1 Chronicles 5:18-22 ? 696,040
101 God killed a half million Israelite soldiers 2 Chronicles 13:15-17 500,000 1,196,040
102 Jeroboam 2 Chronicles 13:20 1 1,196,041
103 The Lord smote the Ethiopians. 2 Chronicles 14:9-14 1,000,000 2,196,041
104 Everyone helped to destroy each other 2 Chronicles 20:22-25 ? 2,196,041
105 God kills Jehoram of Judah by making his bowels fall out 2 Chronicles 21:14-19 1 2,196,042
106 God kills Jehoram's sons 2 Chronicles 22:1 ? 2,196,042
107 Joash, the princes of Judah, and the Judean army 2 Chronicles 24:20-25 ? 2,196,042
108 God destroys Amaziah 2 Chronicles 25:20-22 ? 2,196,042
109 God delivered Ahaz into the hand of the king of Syria 2 Chronicles 28:5 ? 2,196,042
110 120,000 soldiers killed for forsaking God 2 Chronicles 28:6 120,000 2,316,042
111 God delivered the Israelites into the hand of the Chaldeans. 2 Chronicles 36:16-17 ? 2,316,042
112 God and Satan kill Job's children and servants Job 1:1-19 10 2,316,052
113 Ezekiel's wife Ezekiel 24:15-18 1 2,316,053
114 Ananias and Sapphira Acts 5:1-10 2 2,316,055
115 Herod Acts 12:23 1 2,316,056
116 Jesus Eph 5:2,
Heb 10:10,
1 Pet 1:19-20,
Rev 13:8
1 2,316,057