Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

When I was a believer, I was always puzzled by the phrase "He descended into hell" in the Apostles' Creed. It just seemed strange to me. What was a nice guy like Jesus doing in a place like that?

But I guess Jesus did some time in hell; it says so right in the Bible.

He seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

Luckily he took some really cool pictures.

Here's a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


And here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


Jesus, in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Another photo of Jesus hanging out with Adam and Eve.


The sermon from hell.


And here's Jesus Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

Forget Easter: Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead!

The Harrowing of Hell

Now that Jesus is dead (they killed him in the Philippines earlier today), we can celebrate what happened after he died.

Happy Jesus-in-Hell Day!

Most Christians (well, Protestants, anyway) don't know this, but Jesus went directly to hell after he died.

Really, he did. It says so in the Bible.

He [David] seeing this before spake of the resurrection of Christ, that his soul was not left in hell, neither his flesh did see corruption. Acts 2:31

The above quote is from the speech that Peter gave on the day of Pentecost -- you know, the day that believers spoke in languages they didn't understand and acted like they were drunk.

So it must be true. (If you can't trust a drunken Pentecostal preacher who was also the first pope, whom can you trust?)

There are a couple of other references to Jesus's day in hell by someone who claimed to be Peter, but wasn't. Here's what the forger of 1 Peter said about it.

Christ ... went and preached unto the spirits in prison. 1 Peter 3:19

For this cause was the gospel preached also to them that are dead. 1 Peter 4:6

So Jesus preached the gospel to the dead people "in prison" -- that is, to the people in hell.

And then there's this from Ephesians (another forgery, this time attributed to Paul).

Christ ... descended first into the lower parts of the earth.  He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things. Ephesians 4:7-9

So Jesus descended "into the lower parts of the earth" -- which, as we all know, is where hell is. 

Of course, Catholics know all this. They are reminded every time they attend mass or say the rosary, because it's right there in The Apostles' Creed.

I believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried; he descended into hell....

So get out and celebrate Jesus's descent into hell. 

Here are some pictures that Jesus took during his visit to inspire you.

The first is a black and white photo of a very tall Jesus meeting Adam and Eve as they come out of their demon-mouth house.


Here's one, on Saturday night, after Jesus put on his transparent robe.


And here's Jesus in a hurry to meet the ladies of hell.


Here's Jesus delivering the sermon from hell.


And here he is Sunday morning before heading back to the tomb.

So to hell with Easter. Celebrate Jesus-in-Hell Day instead.

God has renamed Campus Crusade for Christ

It's now Cru.

“We believe wholeheartedly that God has given us this new name,” said Steve Sellers, vice president for the U.S. for Campus Crusade for Christ.

God gave the original name (Campus Crusade for Christ) to Bill Bright back in 1951, but God figures it's time to rename it now. Having the word "campus" or "crusade" or "Christ" in it just doesn't sound right to the big guy anymore.

So on Tuesday, God chose a new name from over 1600 suggested, using the same method that he used to replace Judas after Judas hung himself and/or splattered his guts on the ground: he put all the names in a hat and picked the winner.

And God picked "Cru."

God knows what "cru" means, but he's not telling. It isn't short for "Crusade," though, if that's what you're thinking. "Crusade is a 1970s kind of word," as Robert Stewart, the executive director of the Christian Service Center for Central Florida, explained. It's outdated and God doesn't like it anymore.

So now it's just "cru."
(Or maybe "Cru for you-know-who")

What the Bible says about the Republican Primary

It should be easy for Republicans to select a candidate for president.

Just let God do it for them.

The only problem with that is this: God has already endorsed several, if not all, of the candidates.

Fortunately, the Bible has a foolproof procedure guaranteed to work even when God can't make up his own mind. It's called a lottery.

That's how God selected the first king of Israel. Here's how it worked.

God told the people to present themselves to him by tribe and clan ("thousands").

Samuel called the people together unto the LORD ... And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD ... present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands. 1 Samuel 10:17-19

Then a tribe was selected by lot. (Benjamin had the lucky number.)

And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken. 1 Samuel 10:20

Next, a clan was selected. (Matri)

When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21a

And the king was selected from the clan. (Saul)

And Saul the son of Kish was taken. 1 Samuel 10:21b

But Shucks! When they looked, they couldn't find him.

When they sought him, he could not be found. 1 Samuel 10:21c

So they asked God what to do and God said that Saul was hiding in the stuff.

Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff. 1 Samuel 10:22

And sure enough, they found Saul hiding in the stuff. He was hard to miss since he stood head and shoulders above everyone in Israel. (He was also the best-looking.)

And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward. 1 Samuel 10:23

It all worked out great in the end. God chose the best (tallest, best-looking) candidate and all the people shouted, "God save the king."

And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king. 1 Samuel 10:24

Well, except for a few "children of Belial" (RINOs) who complained about it a bit.

But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him. 1 Samuel 10:27

So there you have it. No need for expensive campaigns, debates, caucuses, straw polls, primaries, or nominating conventions. God's party should select its candidate God's way: by lottery. (Either that or just choose the tallest, best looking candidate. It should work out the same.)

(By the way, this isn't the only time a lottery was used in the Bible to select an important candidate. Matthias was selected by lottery to replace Judas, who died by spilling his guts out and hanging himself.)

Should Christians grow the word of God by burning the Quran?

Here's what the Bible says about it:

Many of them also which used curious arts brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed. Acts 19:19-20

And here is the Brick Testament story:

The first book burning

The early Christians mightily grew the word of God and prevailed by burning the books of their competitors. If the Quran had of been around at the time, would they have burned it, too?

Herod was eaten by worms for not giving the God the glory

One day, King Herod (Aggripa) gave a speech to the people.

Upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them. Acts 12:21

The Bible doesn't tell us what he said, but it must have been one hell of a good speech, since when the people heard it they all shouted at once and in unison, "this is the voice of a god, not a man."

The people gave a shout, saying, It is the voice of a god, and not of a man. 12:22

But God didn't like the speech. And he was especially angry at Herod for not giving the glory to him. God wants all of the glory and it pisses him off when someone else gets some. So he sent an angel down to kill him.

Immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory. 12:23a

And then God fed King Herod to the worms.

And he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost. 12:23b

(I give God all the glory for this Bible story.)

God's next killing: Jesus

Ananias and Sapphira

Ananias and his wife, Sapphira, sold some land, gave some of the money to the apostles and kept the rest.

Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. Acts 5:1-2

The bible doesn't say how much the land sold for or what percentage they kept or gave away.

But whatever the selling price may have been, the percentage of the donation wasn't enough to satisfy Peter. Or God.

But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? ... Why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. Acts 5:3-4

I don't know how Peter would know that Satan was involved in any of this. God must have told him. But what about this "lie to the Holy Ghost" thing? So far, at least as far as the text goes, Ananias hasn't said a thing. Don't your lips have to move when you lie?

Maybe not. Maybe you lie to the Holy Ghost every time you don't give all of your money to the church. (Which church? The Holy Ghost's church, of course!)

In any case, Ananias fell over dead before getting to say a single word in his own defense.

And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost. Acts 5:5

A few hours later, they bring in Sapphira, who didn't yet know what had happened to her husband.

And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. Acts 5:7

Peter asked her if the land sold for a certain price, and she said, yes, that was what the land sold for.

And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. Acts 5:8

Then Peter asked her why she and her husband had tempted the Spirit of the Lord. And then, before she could answer, Peter told her that the guys who had just buried her husband were going to do the same to her.

Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Acts 5:9

After hearing Peter's words, she fell down dead. And the "young men" came in to bury her.

Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. Acts 5:10

And it scared the shit (and the shekels) out of everyone in the church.

And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. Acts 5:11

---

God's next killing: Herod Aggripa

How many has God killed?

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

See the complete list here.

Top 50 Bible Stories for kids

Cliff Richard (whoever he is) has come up with his top fifty Bible stories for kids. So I thought I'd list mine.

Here they are (in biblical order, as in Cliff's list). Which is your favorite?

1. "The serpent ... said unto the woman." Genesis 3:1-5
   
   A clever serpent talks to Eve about trees, death, and the knowledge of good and evil.
   
   
2. "In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children. ... Thy husband ... shall rule over thee." Genesis 3:16
   
   God punishes Eve, and all women after her, with the pains of childbirth and subjection to men.
   
   
3. "The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men." Genesis 6:2-4
   
   Angels had sex with women producing giant offspring.
   
   
   
4. "All flesh died that moved upon the earth." Genesis 7:21-23
   
   God drowned everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all.
   
   
5. "Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent." Genesis 9:20-25
   
   Noah gets drunk and curses his grandson (and all his descendants) because his son saw him naked.
   
   
6. "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." Genesis 19:1-8
   
   The just and righteous Lot offers his daughters to a sex-crazed mob of angel rapers.
   
   
7. "Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father." Genesis 19:30-38
   
   Lot gets drunk and impregnates his virgin daughters.
   
   
8. "And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son." Genesis 22:2-13
   
   Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God.
   
   
9. "When he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground." Genesis 38:8-10
   
   God killed Onan for ejaculating outside of a vagina.
   
   
10. "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." Genesis 38:13-18
    
    Judah has sex with his daughter-in-law and then orders her to be burned to death.
    
    
11. "The LORD met him, and sought to kill him." Exodus 4:24
    
    God tries to kill Moses. (It had something to do with foreskins.)
    
    
    
12. "The LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt." Exodus 12:29-30
    
    God kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. "There was not a house where there was not one dead."
    
    
13. "Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and ... slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." Exodus 32:27-28
    
    God forces the people to kill each other for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf.
    
    
14. "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts." Exodus 33:20-23
    
    God shows Moses his backparts.
    
    
15. "The sons of Aaron ... offered strange fire before the LORD... And there went out fire from the LORD, and devoured them, and they died before the LORD... And Aaron held his peace." Leviticus 10:1-3
    
    Aaron watched in silence as his sons were burned to death by God.
    
    
16. "Bring forth him that had cursed out of the camp, and stone him with stones." Leviticus 24:10-23
    
    Moses orders the people to stone to death a man who cursed. "And the children of Israel did as the LORD commanded Moses."
    
    
17. "When the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them." Numbers 11:1
    
    God burned people alive for complaining.
    
    
18. "And while the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the LORD smote the people with a very great plague." Numbers 11:4-33
    
    God sent a great plague on the people for complaining about the food.
    
    
19. "And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses... And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them... and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow." Numbers 12:1-10
    
    For criticizing Moses, God gave Miriam leprosy.
    
    
20. "A man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day." Numbers 15:32-36
    
    God commands the people to stone to death a man who gathered sticks on the Sabbath.
    
    
21. "And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up." Numbers 16:20-35
    
    Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, his companions, "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children."
    
    
22. "All the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD." Numbers 16:41-49
    
    After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 incense burners, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sent a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700."
    
    
23. "And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died." Numbers 21:6
    
    For complaining (again) about the lack of food and water, God sent fiery serpents to bite the people, and many of them died.
    
    
24. "And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam..." Numbers 22:23-30
    
    Balaam and his donkey have a nice little chat. Apparently, they do this often, since Balaam isn't the least bit surprised when his donkey starts talking to him.
    
    
25. "Phinehas ... thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." Numbers 25:1-13
    
    While God is talking to Moses about hanging up dead bodies, one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees the happy couple, he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died.
    
    
26. "Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." Numbers 31:1-54
    
    Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they let some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."
    
    
27. "I have a message from God unto thee." Judges 3:15-22
    
    Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab: a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out."
    
    
28. "Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground." Judges 4:17-23
    
    Jael offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head.
    
    
29. "As a dog lappeth" Judges 7:4-7
    
    God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight in Gideon's Holy War.
    
    
30. "At the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." Judges 11:29-39
    
    Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God.
    
    
31. "Samson went and caught three hundred foxes." Judges 15:4-5
    
    Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.
    
    
32. "The Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him... And he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and slew a thousand men therewith." Judges 15:14-15
    
    When the spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson, he kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass.
    
    
33. "Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you." Judges 19:22-30
    
    After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes it home. Then he chops the body up into twelve pieces and sends a piece to each of the twelve tribes of Israel.
    
    
34. "And they had emerods in their secret parts." 1 Samuel 5:6-12
    
    God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts."
    
    
35. "Because they had looked into the ark of the LORD" 1 Samuel 6:19
    
    God kills 50,070 for looking into the ark.
    
    
    
36. "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." 1 Samuel 11:6-7
    
    People do the strangest things when the Spirit of God comes upon them.
    
    
37. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 1 Samuel 15:2-3
    
    God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago.
    
    
38. "And David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife." 1 Samuel 18:25-27
    
    David buys his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins.
    
    
39. "The child also that is born unto thee shall surely die." 2 Samuel 12:13-18
    
    To punish David for having Uriah killed and causing others to blaspheme, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy.
    
    
40. "So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel ... and there died of the people ... seventy thousand men." 2 Samuel 24:1-15
    
    Because of David's census (which God inspired), Go killed 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children).
    
    
41. "And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." 1 Kings 1:1-4
    
    Poor old king David could get no heat. So they searched throughout the kingdom for a beautiful virgin. They found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but he still couldn't get any heat.
    
    
42. "If I be a man of God, then let fire come down from heaven, and consume thee and thy fifty." 2 Kings 1:9-12
    
    Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He did the job in two shifts of 51 men each.
    
    
43. "And Elijah said unto them, Take the prophets of Baal; let not one of them escape... and Elijah brought them down to the brook Kishon, and slew them there." 1 Kings 18:22-40
    
    Elijah killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest.
    
    
44. "Go up thou bald head." 2 Kings 2:23-24
    
    God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head.
    
    
45. "The whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters." Matthew 8:28-34
    
    The devils ask Jesus to cast them into a herd of pigs. He does, and the poor pigs run off into the sea and drown.
    
    
46. "For the time of figs was not yet." Mark 11:13
    
    Jesus curses a fig tree for not having fruit (even though it was not the right season for figs).
    
    
47. "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." Luke 19:11-27
    
    Jesus explains in a parable that those who refuse to submit to him will be killed before him.
    
    
48. "Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost." Acts 5:1-10
    
    Peter scares Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land.
    
    
49. "The hand of the Lord is upon thee, and thou shalt be blind." Acts 13:8-11
    
    Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind.
    
    
50. "The angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost." Acts 12:23
    
    The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory."