Who wins the Bible's Quiverfull prize?

Have you heard of the Quiverfull movement? It's a whacked-out group of fundamentalist Christians who try to have as many kids as they can, because they believe that children show God's favor on the men who father them.

The movement takes its name from Psalm 127, which says:

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. Psalm 127:3-5

Which got me to thinking. If children are a blessing from God, and happy is the man that has his quiver full of them, which man in the Bible was the happiest? Who had the fullest quiver, so to speak?

So I started with Adam and worked my way through all the quivers in the Bible. But Adam didn't seem too interested in children. His first son (Cain) killed his second son (Abel), yet Adam didn't bother having any more kids for another 130 years or so, when he finally had Seth. He and Eve were diddling for six score and ten years and all he had to show for it was two arrows in his quiver. He lived another 800 years after having Seth, but all the Bible says about it is this: "And the days of Adam after he had begotten Seth were eight hundred years: and he begat sons and daughters." No names, no numbers, no cigar for Adam.

Well then, maybe one of the patriarchs. Take Methuselah, for example. He lived to be 969, so he must have had lots of kids. But he was a slow starter, waiting until he was 187 before fathering his first son (Lamech). And although the Bible says he had other sons and daughters sometime in the next 782 years, it doesn't name names or give numbers. So forget Methuselah. No prize there either.

How about Methuselah's son, Lamaech? Lamech was the first of a long, proud line of polygamists in the Bible. But even with two wives he couldn't fill his quiver. When he was 182 he had his first son (Noah) and then had the usual nameless sons and daughters sometime in the next 595 years. What the fuck did he do with his wives, anyway?

OK, then what about Lamech's son, Noah? Nope. Noah waited until he was 500 to start a family. But he started with a bang, having three sons in a single year. I'm not sure how he managed that, since there is no mention of twins or triplets and the Bible only mentions one (nameless) wife. Fucking miracles, I guess. Anyway, the Bible doesn't say whether Noah had more children after the flood, though God did tell him and his sons to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth" (after God had drowned everyone on it).

What about King David? No one even tried to keep track of all his wives and concubines, so he must have had lots of children. 1 Chronicles 3:1-9 lists 19 sons and one daughter (which ties him with Jim Bob!). David must have had a hard time coming up with so many names because two sons are named Eliphelet and two are named Elishama. I suppose that's one of the hazards of a full quiver. You just can't keep your arrows straight.

Solomon was one of David's sons and he must have had quite a family since he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. If he kept up with the Duggars he'd have about 20,000 arrows in his quiver. But Solomon was the patron saint of birth control. The Bible only mentions one son (Rehoboam) and two daughters. The guy must have never taken his condom off!

It turns out that Solomon's (only?) son, Rehoboam wins the quiverfull prize, depending on how you keep score, that is. Rehoboam, like his dad, was a big-time polygamist, with 18 wives and 60 concubines. But unlike his dad, he used his wives to fill his quiver. And he had a quiverfull by the time he was done -- 88 total: 28 sons and 60 daughters.

But there were a few others that probably beat Rehoboam. Both Gideon and Ahab had 72 sons. But since the Bible doesn't mention their daughters, I guess Rehoboam can keep his prize. (Both sets of sons had unhappy endings: Gideon's 70 sons were murdered by one of their brothers, and Ahab's 70 sons were beheaded by Jehu at God's command.)

And there are several honorable mentions. Ibzan had 30 sons and 30 daughters. Abdon had 40 sons and 30 nephews. Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives, and begat 22 sons, and 16 daughters. And Jair had 30 sons that rode on 30 ass colts and had 30 cities.

Oh, and Heman (who wasn't quite as wise as Solomon or as happy as Jim Bob Duggar) had 14 sons and 3 daughters.

Here's a little table to keep the quivers straight.

Happy quivering!

Name	Sons	Daughters	Total	Verse
Rehoboam	28	60	88	2 Chr 11:21
Gideon	72	?	At least 72	Jg 8:30, 9:4-5
Ahab	72	?	At least 72	2 Kg 1:16-17, 10:1-7, 9:24-26
Ibzan	30	30	60	Jg 12:9
Abdon	40	?	At least 40	Jg 12:14
Abijah	22	16	38	2 Chr 13:21
Jair	30	?	At least 30	Jg 10:3-4
David	19	1	At least 20	1 Chr 3:1-9
Heman	14	3	17	1 Chr 25:5

For more information on the Quiverfull movement see Vyckie Garrison's blog, No Longer Quivering.

Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

I’m not sure what “thus” was, but it whatever it was, it wasn’t very nice.

First David sent Joab “and all Israel,” and “they destroyed the children of Ammon” and besieged the city of Rabbah.

And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. 2 Samuel 11.1

Joab led forth the power of the army, and wasted the country of the children of Ammon, and came and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried at Jerusalem. And Joab smote Rabbah, and destroyed it. 1 Chronicles 20.1

Then he went to Rabbah and put a gold crown on his head that weighted 1 talent (about 30 kilograms).

David …went to Rabbah and … took their king's crown from off his head, the weight whereof was a talent of gold with the precious stones: and it was set on David's head. And he brought forth the spoil of the city in great abundance. 2 Samuel 12.30

And finally he did this to “all the cities of the children of Ammon”:

He brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon. 2 Samuel 12.31

David’s treatment of the Ammonites is stated a bit more clearly in the 1 Chronicles version of this story.

He brought out the people that were in it, and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon. 1 Chronicles 20.3

Neither story says how many Ammonites were killed. I’ll guess 1000.

(We know that God approved of this killing because God approved of all of David’s killings, with the single exception of the matter of Uriah. See 1 Kings 15.5.)

God's next killing: God slowly kills a baby

David killed every male in Edom

There’s not a lot to go on here, just a few contradictory verses from four different books.

There’s a one-verse story from 2 Samuel saying that David got a name for himself by killing 18,000 Syrians in the valley of salt.

David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men. 2 Samuel 8.13

Then there’s a (sort of) similar verse from 1 Chronicles that agrees with 2 Samuel on the number killed (18,000) and the site of the killing (the valley of salt), but disagrees about the identities of the killer (Abishai vs. David) and the people killed (Syrians vs. Edomites).

Abishai … slew of the Edomites in the valley of salt eighteen thousand. 1 Chronicles 18.12

And there’s a Psalm story that says it was Joab who killed 12,000 in the valley of salt with the candlestick (or was it the lead pipe?).

Joab returned, and smote of Edom in the valley of salt twelve thousand. Psalm 60.1

In any case, whoever did the killing, whoever and however many were killed, it’s another example of God’s glorious killings, since we know that

The LORD preserved David whithersoever he went. 2 Samuel 8.14

And God approved of everything David ever did (with the single exception of the matter of Uriah).

David did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD, and turned not aside from any thing that he commanded him all the days of his life, save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite. 1 Kings 15.5

There’s something else we are told about this killing. After the 18,000 (or 12,000) Edomites (or Syrians) were killed in the valley of salt by David (or Abishai or Joab), Joab killed every male in Edom.

When David was in Edom, and Joab the captain of the host was gone up to bury the slain, after he had smitten every male in Edom; (For six months did Joab remain there with all Israel, until he had cut off every male in Edom:) 1 Kings 11.15-16

(A little later God will have to have them all killed again, but that’s another story.)

So how many were killed in this killing? 18,000 or 12,000 in the valley of salt? And how many males were killed in Edom in Joab’s male genocide?

I’ll take 15,000 (the average of 12,000 and 18,000) for the number of Edomite (or Syrian) soldiers that were killed, and guess that 50,000 males of all ages were slaughtered, for a total of 65,000 in all.

God's next killing: Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon

A List of God-Approved Killings in the Bible

This is a list of the God-approved killings in the Bible. It does not include the killings that God performed himself or those in which he took an active role. (See here for a complete list of those killings.)

I've already posted about some of the killings (see links in the table), and I'll be adding more later to explain how we know that God approved of these killings. Eventually, I'll combine the lists to show all of God's killings, those that he approved of and those that he did himself.

	Killing Event	Scriptural reference	Biblical number	Estimate
1	Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad	Jg 3.31	600	600
2	42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test	Jg 12.4-7, Heb 11.32	42,000	42,000
3	The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people	Jg 18.27	-	1,000
4	The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins	Jg 21.10-14	-	10,000
5	34,000 Israelites killed so that God could kill Eli's sons	1Sam 4.2-11	34,000	34,000
6	David or Elhanan killed Goliath	1Sam 17.51, 2Sam 21.19	1	1
7	David killed 200 Philistines for their foreskins (to buy his first wife)	1Sam 18.27	200	200
8	David slew the Philistines with a great slaughter	1Sam 19.8	-	10,000
9	David commited genocides for the Philistines	1Sam 27.8-11	-	50,000
10	David killed the messenger	2Sam 1.15	1	1
11	David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung up their dead bodies	2Sam 4.12	2	2
12	David killed 2/3 Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest	2Sam 8.2		667
13	David killed 22,000 Syrians	2Sam 8.5	22,000	22,000
14	David killed 18,000 Edomites in the Valley of Salt	2Sam 8.13, 1Kg 11.15-16, 1Chr 18.12	18,000	18,000
15	David killed 47,000 Syrians	2Sam 10.18, 1Chr 19.18	47,000	47,000
16	David's massacre of the Ammonites	2Sam 11.1, 1Chr 20.1	-	1,000
17	David's army killed 20,000 Israelites	2Sam 18.7	20,000	20,000
18	Adino killed 800 at one time with a spear	2Sam 23.8	800	800
19	Eleazar the son of Dodo smote the Philistines with a great slaughter	2Sam 23.9-10, 1Chr 11.12-14	-	1,000
20	Shammah slew the Philistines	2Sam 23.12	-	1,000
21	Abishai killed 300 with his spear	2Sam 23.18	300	300
22	Benaiah slew two lion-like men of Moah and a giant Egyptian	2Sam 23.20-21, 1Chr 11.22-23	3	3
23	Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab murdered	1Kg 2.29-34	1	1
24	Solomn has Shimei murdered (another of David's death bed wishes)	1Kg 2.44-46	1	1
25	Zimri burns to death	1Kg 16.18-19	1	1
26	Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest	1Kg 18.22-40	450	450
27	A skeptic is trampled to death	2Kg 7.2-20	1	1
28	Jehu killed Ahaziah's family	2Kg 10.12-13, 2Chr 22.7-9	42	42
29	Jehu assembles the followers of Baal and then slaughters them all	2Kg 10.18-25	-	1,000
30	Jehoiada killed Mattan the priest of Baal	2Kg 11.17-18	1	1
31	Athaliah	2Kg 11.20	1	1
32	Amaziah slew 10,000 Edomites	2Kg 14.7, 2Chr 25.11	10,000	10,000
33	Josiah killed all the priests of the high places	2Kg 23.20	-	100
34	Jashobeam killed 300 at one time with his spear	1Chr 11.11	300	300
35	Ahaziah of Judah	2Chr 22.7-9	1	1
36	Amaziah killed the people that killed his father	2Chr 25.3	-	10
37	Amaziah killed 10,000 Edomites	2Chr 25.11	10,000	10,000
38	Amaziah pushed 10,000 men off a cliff	2Chr 25.12	10,000	10,000
39	Amaziah	2Chr 25.27	1	1
40	Uzziah's wars	2Chr 26.3-7	-	3,000
41	Jotham's war with the Ammonites	2Chr 27.1-5	-	1,000
42	Esther hangs Haman and his ten sons	Est 7.6-10	11	11
43	The Jews killed those who wanted to kill them	Est 9.9-16	75,800	75,800
Total			291,518	371,295

Remember David: Don't fill out Satan's 2010 Census form

This is a census year in the United States. Article 1, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution requires a complete enumeration every ten years.

[An] Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.

But Michele Bachmann won't be participating.

She claims it has something to do with WWII Japanese American internment camps, but I think it's all about the Bible. Michele knows her Bible too well to participate in a God-damned government census.

Remember what happened with David's census? God killed 70,000 men (and who knows how many women and children) in three days of pestilence.

Why did God kill so many people? Because David had a census.

David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel ... and bring the number of them to me, that I may know it.
...
And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David.
...
And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel.
...
So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men. 1 Chronicles 21:2-14

And why did David have the census?

Because Satan told him to.

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21:1

Michele Bachmann knows that if Satan could fool David, a man after God's own heart, he sure as hell could fool the authors of the U.S. Constitution.

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Note: Michele also knows that Satan had help in inspiring the David's census.

And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24:1

Satan and God worked on it together. But that's beside the point. God got angry and he and/or Satan inspired David to have a census and then God killed a couple hundred thousand people because of the census.

So it doesn't matter whether the 2010 census was inspired by God or Satan or both. God hates censuses, and he kills those that participate in them.

Just another holy war

First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you're probably the first person who ever has.

But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there's another one of God's killings, one that I'd missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the "These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz....."

So anyway, here's the story. I'm sorry it's so damned boring.

It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.

The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18

All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.

They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19

While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.

And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20

And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is "of God," killing people is a piece of cake.

For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22

All that was left was to collect the booty.

They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21

Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.

But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It's a shame that God doesn't tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I'd think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.

God's next killing: half a million Israelite soldiers

David's Mighty Men and their Amazing Killings

There is a list of crazy single-handed killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that the God obviously approved of since the Bible brags about them so much. I’m including them all here.

These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Samuel 23:8a

These also are the chief of the mighty men whom David had ... to make him king, according to the word of the LORD concerning Israel. And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had: 1 Chronicles 11:10-11a

Adino and/or Jashobeam
There is some confusion about this one. Who was the chief of David’s captains (Adino or Jashobeam) and how many did he kill with his spear at one time (300 or 800)? Was it two different captains in two different slaughters? I'll give them both credit and call it 1100.

The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. 2 Samuel 23:8

Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. 1 Chronicles 11:11b

The son of Dodo
Next we have the son of Dodo who smote Philistines until his hand stuck to his sword, "and the LORD wrought a great victory that day." It doesn’t say how many he killed; I’ll guess 1000.

Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day. 2 Samuel 23:9-10

Eleazar the son of Dodo ... one of the three mighties ... slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance. 1 Chronicles 11:12-14

Shammah
Shammah isn't mentioned in the 1 Chronicles account, but according to 2 Samuel, God was involved since "the Lord wrought a great victory." I’ll give God and Shammah credit for another 1000 for this “great victory.”

Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory. 2 Samuel 23:11-12

Abishai
Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear.

Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18

Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20

Jehoiada
This one is my favorite. Jehoiada killed two lion-like men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian's spear.

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21

Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian's hand was a spear like a weaver's beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian's hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23

God's next killing: God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do

Inspired by the Bible: Rumsfeld's Secret Holy War

GQ has released copies of secret intelligence briefing covers that were sent by Donald Rumsfeld to president Bush and his senior military staff just after the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Here they are, along with links to the Bible verses.

Joshua 1:9

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1 Chronicles 16:11

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Psalm 33:16-19

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Psalm 139:9-10

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Proverbs 16:3

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Isaiah 5:28

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Isaiah 6:8

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Isaiah 26:2

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Daniel 5:5-28

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Ephesians 6:13

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1 Peter 2:15

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How many has God killed?

I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

See the complete list here.

The Top Ten Biblical Massacres

And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him ... and he [Samson] found a new jawbone of an ass ... and slew a thousand men therewith. Judges 15:14-15

Today is the sad anniversary of the Virginia Tech massacre, the deadliest school shooting in U.S. history. On 16 April 2007, 32 students were killed and many more wounded before the shooter, Sueng-Hui Cho, committed suicide.

The massacre was one of the worst in U.S. history, but it was small indeed by biblical standards.

Here is a list of massacres from the Bible, in ascending order by the number of victims. The list includes only those with a single killer where the number of victims is specified.

1. Elisha (with help from God) sent two bears to kill 42 children for making fun of his bald head. 2 Kings 2:22-23

2. Abimelech killed 69 of his brothers on a stone. Judges 9:5, BT

3. Doeg the Edomite killed 85 priests and all the men, women, children, infants, oxen, donkeys, and sheep with a sword. 1 Samuel 22:18-19, BT

4. Elijah (and God) burned to death 102 men. 2 Kings 1:10-12

5. David killed 200 Philistines to purchase his first wife with their foreskins. 1 Samuel 18:25-27, BT

6. Abishai killed 300 men with a spear. 2 Samuel 23:18, 1 Chronicles 11:20, BT

7. The chief of David's captains killed either 300 (1 Chronicles 11:11) or 800 (2 Samuel 23:8) men with a spear. (Sometimes it's hard to correctly count the number of dead bodies in a massacre.)

8. Elijah killed 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest. 1 Kings 18:22-40
   (The total in this massacre may have been 850 if it included the priests of the groves.)

9. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Judges 3:31, BT

10. Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass. Judges 15: 14-15, BT

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Update 1: Forgot the 85 priests that that were killed by Doeg the Edomite. (Thanks Aquaria.)

Update 2: Corrected the confusion between Elijah's massacres. (Thanks David.)

Mitt Romney is right about the Bible

It's boring!

Here's what Romney said about it:

I find myself having to read for an hour or so before I can fall asleep. And thanks to the Gideons, I've got good material.

Yes, Mitt is right about that. The Bible is boring. So boring, in fact, I've considered adding it as a separate category at the SAB. Try reading 1 Chronicles sometime. Now that's good Romney bedtime reading material.

But Mitt should give the Book of Mormon a try when he has trouble sleeping. Here's what Mark Twain said about it:

The book is a curiosity to me, it is such a pretentious affair, and yet so "slow," so sleepy; such an insipid mess of inspiration. It is chloroform in print. If Joseph Smith composed this book, the act was a miracle--keeping awake while he did it was, at any rate.

Try the Mitt Romney bedtime test yourself.

Which do you think is more boring?

How many has God killed? (Complete list and estimated total)

kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. -- Deuteronomy 32:39-42

In a previous post, I've listed and counted God's killings in the Bible. But I only included those that said exactly how many were killed by God. I came up with 2,476,633.

But that didn't include some of God's most impressive slaughters. How many did God drown in the flood or burn to death in Sodom and Gomorrah? How many first-born Egyptians did he kill? The Bible doesn't say, so there's no way to know for sure. But it's possible to provide rough estimates in order to get a grand total, and that's what I'm attempting here.

Total with estimates: 25 million.

Here is a complete list of all of God's killings in the Bible.

Much more information about God's killings, with a chapter on each of the 135 killing events, can be found int the book:

Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible